TMW you noticed earlier that black hairy spider on the ceiling and now you can't see it but you know they are the tricksy ones that often wait until you walk under the doorway so they can drop down on your head and now you are pretty sure it might be in your hair and you squeal and start to to flick your fingers through your hair to get it out and then realized that you slept on your back last night and YES IT IS 3PM RIGHT NOW and you haven't brushed your hair yet today SO WHAT MIND YOUR BUSINESS and it's a yuge rat's nest on the back of your head and there could actually be a small community of spiders living in that thing and you'd never know it so then you have to scream (and possibly pee a little if you're old and you've had kids and stuff like me shut up) and bend over to start shaking your rat's nest and whack your forehead on the desk and yell for help or scream GET IT OUT GET IT OUT and turns out there was nothing in there and now you see the spider near your doorway and now you're trapped in your room with a possible concussion at least until you can find a hairbrush and/or Windex.
via GIPHY
Showing posts with label funny thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 06, 2019
Friday, November 01, 2019
Little of this, little of that.
If I ever get another animal I'm naming it Peeve, so I can say, "Yeah this is my pet, Peeve."
I feel like I'm going to have a lot of animals with the same name.
Speaking of Peeves, I've already put in a request to be a poltergeist after I die, and I will be like Harry Potter's Peeves and follow people around making sarcastic remarks and spitting paper wads at them.
So just like in my real life.
In my facebook memories:
"If I ever open a tattoo parlor, it's going to be called Tattooine."
You will not get it if you're not cool.
ALSO STILL A VIABLE PLAN SO DON'T STEAL IT. GAH.
Also in facebook memories:
"If you don't get my jokes, you probably don't deserve to be my friend."
#TrueStory
I'm opting for National Need Books & Booze Month, or NaNeeBooBooMo.
Which reminds me I tried NaNoWriMo one time and did like two days before it completely fled my mind, which is why you will never ever have to worry about competing against me on the NY Times Bestseller List.
YOU ARE WELCOME.
Also it's MOVEMBER so the air will soon carry the scent of Jovan Musk and Boogie Nights.
Becca took The Littles (my nieces) trick or treating last night so she got paid in candy and I'm figuring out my fee but mathing is hard.
So, like 4 twizzlers, 12 bite snickers, 7 Reese's peanut butter cups, and 8 fun size three musketeers makes like, what, one regular size candy bar, right? #Frankenbar
Don't worry, I left Becca all the mounds, milky ways, and generic gross stuff.
Don't forget, this Sunday the other half of your clocks will be correct.
I feel like I'm going to have a lot of animals with the same name.
Speaking of Peeves, I've already put in a request to be a poltergeist after I die, and I will be like Harry Potter's Peeves and follow people around making sarcastic remarks and spitting paper wads at them.
So just like in my real life.
In my facebook memories:
"If I ever open a tattoo parlor, it's going to be called Tattooine."
You will not get it if you're not cool.
ALSO STILL A VIABLE PLAN SO DON'T STEAL IT. GAH.
Also in facebook memories:
"If you don't get my jokes, you probably don't deserve to be my friend."
#TrueStory
I'm opting for National Need Books & Booze Month, or NaNeeBooBooMo.
Which reminds me I tried NaNoWriMo one time and did like two days before it completely fled my mind, which is why you will never ever have to worry about competing against me on the NY Times Bestseller List.
YOU ARE WELCOME.
Also it's MOVEMBER so the air will soon carry the scent of Jovan Musk and Boogie Nights.
Becca took The Littles (my nieces) trick or treating last night so she got paid in candy and I'm figuring out my fee but mathing is hard.
So, like 4 twizzlers, 12 bite snickers, 7 Reese's peanut butter cups, and 8 fun size three musketeers makes like, what, one regular size candy bar, right? #Frankenbar
Don't worry, I left Becca all the mounds, milky ways, and generic gross stuff.
Don't forget, this Sunday the other half of your clocks will be correct.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Lost In Translation II
When I said: "Agree to disagree."
What I meant: "You are still SO VERY WRONG but I'm bored of you now."
When I said: "Have a blissful day!"
What I meant: "Ignorance is bliss and you are a ginormous ignorant assclam."
When I said: "I can't even!"
What I meant: "I'm fixin' to cut a bitch."
When I said: "Of COURSE it's not about you!"
What I meant: "Of COURSE it's about you!"
When I said: "I HATE EVERYONE."
What I meant: "I HATE EVERYONE."
If I made crayons, they would be named "Depression Blue" and "Hot Flash Red" and "Bitter Envy Green."
One thing Nicole and I discovered on our Haunted Road Trip Adventure is that NO TOWN is too small for Dollar General. No, srsly.
What I meant: "You are still SO VERY WRONG but I'm bored of you now."
When I said: "Have a blissful day!"
What I meant: "Ignorance is bliss and you are a ginormous ignorant assclam."
When I said: "I can't even!"
What I meant: "I'm fixin' to cut a bitch."
When I said: "Of COURSE it's not about you!"
What I meant: "Of COURSE it's about you!"
When I said: "I HATE EVERYONE."
What I meant: "I HATE EVERYONE."
If I made crayons, they would be named "Depression Blue" and "Hot Flash Red" and "Bitter Envy Green."
One thing Nicole and I discovered on our Haunted Road Trip Adventure is that NO TOWN is too small for Dollar General. No, srsly.
Friday, July 17, 2015
A PSA - Parental Service Announcement
You know, my parents never told me about RHPS. Not once was it mentioned in our house - I had to learn about it the hard way, on the streets. In fact, the very first time I really even heard of RHPS was from a church friend when I was IN COLLEGE.
COLLEGE, PEOPLE.
I felt so...Amish.
I've never felt so alone in my life as that long ago midnight when I went for my first viewing.
I decided right then and there that my kids would never suffer from RHPS deficiency! Their lullabies were Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul and Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me. We Time Warped our way through toddlerhood. My daughter's first word was "antici....
.....
.....
.....
pation."
So please, parents, don't let YOUR child be the one getting hit in the head with bits of toast or toilet paper without knowing what's going on - you don't want the kid to be afraid there's a riot breaking out, right? Make sure yours is not the only one not shouting "ASSHOLE!" whenever he or she hears the name "Brad Majors." Don't let them suffer the embarrassment of not knowing how to do the Time Warp. And above all, teach them the "Sweet Transvestite" lyrics.
I mean, can you imagine the humiliation when walking into your first midnight showing, and you know none of the words? Or characters? When you have no clue how to even begin to Time Warp?
Do the right thing - sit your (age appropriate) kids down in front of the blu-ray with you tonight.
TEACH THEM. It's your job as a parent.
You can thank me later.
Some of the above story may or may not be true, and may or may not be exaggerated or possibly completely made up in all ways. Except for the first part, which is totally true, much to my embarrassment.
COLLEGE, PEOPLE.
I felt so...Amish.
I've never felt so alone in my life as that long ago midnight when I went for my first viewing.
I decided right then and there that my kids would never suffer from RHPS deficiency! Their lullabies were Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul and Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me. We Time Warped our way through toddlerhood. My daughter's first word was "antici....
.....
.....
.....
pation."
So please, parents, don't let YOUR child be the one getting hit in the head with bits of toast or toilet paper without knowing what's going on - you don't want the kid to be afraid there's a riot breaking out, right? Make sure yours is not the only one not shouting "ASSHOLE!" whenever he or she hears the name "Brad Majors." Don't let them suffer the embarrassment of not knowing how to do the Time Warp. And above all, teach them the "Sweet Transvestite" lyrics.
I mean, can you imagine the humiliation when walking into your first midnight showing, and you know none of the words? Or characters? When you have no clue how to even begin to Time Warp?
Do the right thing - sit your (age appropriate) kids down in front of the blu-ray with you tonight.
TEACH THEM. It's your job as a parent.
You can thank me later.
Some of the above story may or may not be true, and may or may not be exaggerated or possibly completely made up in all ways. Except for the first part, which is totally true, much to my embarrassment.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Monday, August 05, 2013
Stream Of Consciousness - A brief & uncensored peek into my brain.
I dare you to try it. Close your eyes like you're preparing to meditate and just type whatever floats across your mind. No peeking! Ready? Okay. Now what? I can't think of anything because I'm tryig to think of something. I think this is why I stopped blogging. No, actually I think I stopped because I started making more friends and then my family started reading and I started caring what people thought. I mean I've always sort of cared what people think about what I write, but I don't get all weird about it because I typically try to offset my bitchiness with a litle humor and oh shit I think I just made a typo. OMG what if my fingers were on the wrong keys all along and this is a bunch of gibberish? Did I spell gibberish correctly? I wnat to peek but I won't cheat. OH cheating. I could write something about that. This will probably be the longest paragraph ever, sort of like one of Danielle Steele's paragraphs only without eleventy three commas per sentence. But she makes millions so I guess maybe I should try doing things her way. I wonder if anyone else ever picks up a Danielle Steele book and thinks well, I wonder who is giong to die or get maimed first? Because that seems to be a recurring theme, not to mention all the broken hearts that happen. Where was I going with that? Diphenhydramine. I don't even know what that is or why I just htought of it. I wonder if I spelled it correctly? WTF am I even thinking about? I am clearly a lunatic.
Your turn - I triple-dog dare you.
Your turn - I triple-dog dare you.
Thursday, August 01, 2013
In Which I Take Up A Challenge
I miss blogging - I may have mentioned that a time or two. I read back over the last 5 or 6 years' worth of posts and sometimes think I have already written my best posts and thought my best thoughts.
And then I go back to composing blog posts in my head while I'm in the shower (because everyone knows that's when you think your best thoughts) and end up never typing them or even writing notes. Then a friend posted this "one paragraph a day for 30 days" challenge and I figure that SURELY (don't call me Shirley) I can come up with one tiny paragraph. Until I forget and skip a day which becomes four days and then I give it up as a bad job due to very poor memory.
But for today, I accept the challenge and count this as my paragraph.
And then I go back to composing blog posts in my head while I'm in the shower (because everyone knows that's when you think your best thoughts) and end up never typing them or even writing notes. Then a friend posted this "one paragraph a day for 30 days" challenge and I figure that SURELY (don't call me Shirley) I can come up with one tiny paragraph. Until I forget and skip a day which becomes four days and then I give it up as a bad job due to very poor memory.
But for today, I accept the challenge and count this as my paragraph.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A codicil
Okay, so if you've been hanging around this joint for the last few years, you've probably read about my final wishes once I've shuffled off this mortal coil.
And I'm not even joking you.
HOWEVER.
Late one night I had a ...if I do say so myself...BRILLIANT IDEA.
Also it made me laugh a lot because it is sort of sick and twisted and totally Me.
Maybe a little gross too.
I have decided to be cremated - seriously, who wants to take up space and have groundwater (possibly SEWER WATER EW) seepage and rats trying to chew in to eat your face?
NOT ME.
So cremation.
And a memorial service at which My Final Wishes are strictly followed -- with an added...bonus.
I am going to get keychains with little urns (or GENIE LAMPS! YES!) attached to them, and EVERYONE GETS A SCOOP OF ME TO TAKE HOME.
Like a party favor.
No, you have to take me. It's the rule.
Also I am hoping (FINGERS CROSSED!!) that this makes haunting easier.
Because I'm totes hoping that God and I can come to some agreement on that.
Yeah.
Putting the Fun into Funeral.
The recessional music will be Paul Young singing:
Every time you go away
You take a piece of me with you
You'll be there, right?
And I'm not even joking you.
HOWEVER.
Late one night I had a ...if I do say so myself...BRILLIANT IDEA.
Also it made me laugh a lot because it is sort of sick and twisted and totally Me.
Maybe a little gross too.
I have decided to be cremated - seriously, who wants to take up space and have groundwater (possibly SEWER WATER EW) seepage and rats trying to chew in to eat your face?
NOT ME.
So cremation.
And a memorial service at which My Final Wishes are strictly followed -- with an added...bonus.
I am going to get keychains with little urns (or GENIE LAMPS! YES!) attached to them, and EVERYONE GETS A SCOOP OF ME TO TAKE HOME.
Like a party favor.
No, you have to take me. It's the rule.
Also I am hoping (FINGERS CROSSED!!) that this makes haunting easier.
Because I'm totes hoping that God and I can come to some agreement on that.
Yeah.
Putting the Fun into Funeral.
The recessional music will be Paul Young singing:
Every time you go away
You take a piece of me with you
You'll be there, right?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Seeking Minions
Qualifications:
Prefer short and shadowy with glowing white eyes but will consider other types (EMEOC* Compliant)
Must be versatile: able to head-stab and fetch me a venti quad mocha, xtra-hot no-whip with equal panache
Must be on call 24/7 because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHEN I'LL NEED A MINION.
Uprisings (against enemies/frienemies only) encouraged
Must be a "Yes-Person" and able to do the Bobblehead NodAlong
Must work for free.
Please submit applications ASAP - position open for immediate start.
*Equal Minion Employment Opportunity Commission
Prefer short and shadowy with glowing white eyes but will consider other types (EMEOC* Compliant)
Must be versatile: able to head-stab and fetch me a venti quad mocha, xtra-hot no-whip with equal panache
Must be on call 24/7 because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHEN I'LL NEED A MINION.
Uprisings (against enemies/frienemies only) encouraged
Must be a "Yes-Person" and able to do the Bobblehead NodAlong
Must work for free.
Please submit applications ASAP - position open for immediate start.
*Equal Minion Employment Opportunity Commission
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Reading Between The Lines ...
A companion guide to Lost In Translation.
What I said: "It's great that you're so...passionate...about that."
What I meant: "Seriously you just rambled and raved like a drunken sailor coming off a 21 day binge."
What I said: "Nice!"
What I meant: "I have no idea what you said, I tuned you out 10 minutes ago because I was I was about to pass out from sheer boredom."
What I said: "That sucks for you!"
What I meant: "Sucks to be you. Heh."
What I said: "Sounds interesting!"
What I meant: "MUST.KEEP.EYES.FROM.ROLLING."
What I said: "No, of course I didn't mean YOU."
What I meant: "OF COURSE I MEANT YOU, DOUCHEBAG."
What I said: "I hate people."
What I meant: "I hate people."
What I said: "It's great that you're so...passionate...about that."
What I meant: "Seriously you just rambled and raved like a drunken sailor coming off a 21 day binge."
What I said: "Nice!"
What I meant: "I have no idea what you said, I tuned you out 10 minutes ago because I was I was about to pass out from sheer boredom."
What I said: "That sucks for you!"
What I meant: "Sucks to be you. Heh."
What I said: "Sounds interesting!"
What I meant: "MUST.KEEP.EYES.FROM.ROLLING."
What I said: "No, of course I didn't mean YOU."
What I meant: "OF COURSE I MEANT YOU, DOUCHEBAG."
What I said: "I hate people."
What I meant: "I hate people."
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Flying The Friendly Skies
Okay, the last post was about Amtrak and my trip TO Chicago for BlogHer 09. THIS one is about my trip HOME from Chicago -- I'm saving the In-Between until some of the furor dies down; everyone is doing recaps and frankly I HAVE THINGS TO SAY and I don't want them to get lost in everyone else's bitching because you KNOW that MY bitching takes precedence because let's face it, I have the experience as a Professional Bitcher. Look, it's MY BLOG NAME for crap's sake.
ANYWAY.
Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Northwest Airlines for making my trip home from Chicago a most excellent one--especially since this was my first time on Northwest.
**DISCLAIMER: No one at Northwest Airlines has paid me in goods or actual money to say nice things, this is just KUDOS FOR A GREAT CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE and FOR ALL I KNOW they do not want me to associate myself with them.
Also does it count as joining the Mile High club if you only have your B.O.B.?
I'm just asking.
For research purposes.
Yeah.
So I go to O'Hare almost 3 hours before my flight, because I shared a cab with these two crazy ladies (HI FabGirl's mom!)...and when I got to the counter the lady said that my flight was in DELAYED status.
No problemo, though, she got me on an earlier flight.
And when I got to the boarding area, I noticed something even more important:
UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS.
So maybe that's not a big deal for you. Maybe you only fly first class.
But for me? MY FIRST TIME.
It was EXCITING! I felt a little like a celebrity.
Naturally I was a total tyrant and ordered the flight attendants around, but I could tell they REALLY truly liked their nicknames HEY GIRL and YOU THERE.
I was pampered with hot towels, free drinks, tons of leg room, FINALLY enough seat room for my wide-load ass, and a delish Cobb salad for lunch. I SO wanted to hold up my tray and look around the divider curtain and go HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE COACH LOSERS!
AND.
Our attendant, Jerome Miller, was THE SHIZZZZZ. He was so cute and sweet and attentive and NICE, I wanted to just take him home with me.
(HI JEROME!!!)
Also he appreciated my good attitude (SHUT UP I CAN BE NICE WHEN I WANT TO I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO MOST OF THE TIME)(Also sorry if that caused you to have a small stroke but I SWEAR I was being on My Best Behavior).
Also ALSO I sat next to this guy who was a pilot for that airline and MAN OH MAN did he have the SEXIEST ARMS EVAR. He was quite handsome.
And has a girlfriend which sucked and had I known that in the beginning I would totally not have spent so much time talking to him.
KIDDING.
He was nice. And funny. And smart.
And the guy sitting in front of me was ALSO a pilot - I was all DID THEY BRING SPARES? WHAT? - and he was SUCH a Silver Fox.
Northwest Airlines definitely has the yummiest pilots I've ever seen.
Too bad I didn't get a peek into the cock...pit.
Is all I'm saying.
HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, *I'M* NOT THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE NAME.
ANYWAY.
Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Northwest Airlines for making my trip home from Chicago a most excellent one--especially since this was my first time on Northwest.
**DISCLAIMER: No one at Northwest Airlines has paid me in goods or actual money to say nice things, this is just KUDOS FOR A GREAT CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE and FOR ALL I KNOW they do not want me to associate myself with them.
Also does it count as joining the Mile High club if you only have your B.O.B.?
I'm just asking.
For research purposes.
Yeah.
So I go to O'Hare almost 3 hours before my flight, because I shared a cab with these two crazy ladies (HI FabGirl's mom!)...and when I got to the counter the lady said that my flight was in DELAYED status.
No problemo, though, she got me on an earlier flight.
And when I got to the boarding area, I noticed something even more important:
UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS.
So maybe that's not a big deal for you. Maybe you only fly first class.
But for me? MY FIRST TIME.
It was EXCITING! I felt a little like a celebrity.
Naturally I was a total tyrant and ordered the flight attendants around, but I could tell they REALLY truly liked their nicknames HEY GIRL and YOU THERE.
I was pampered with hot towels, free drinks, tons of leg room, FINALLY enough seat room for my wide-load ass, and a delish Cobb salad for lunch. I SO wanted to hold up my tray and look around the divider curtain and go HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE COACH LOSERS!
AND.
Our attendant, Jerome Miller, was THE SHIZZZZZ. He was so cute and sweet and attentive and NICE, I wanted to just take him home with me.
(HI JEROME!!!)
Also he appreciated my good attitude (SHUT UP I CAN BE NICE WHEN I WANT TO I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO MOST OF THE TIME)(Also sorry if that caused you to have a small stroke but I SWEAR I was being on My Best Behavior).
Also ALSO I sat next to this guy who was a pilot for that airline and MAN OH MAN did he have the SEXIEST ARMS EVAR. He was quite handsome.
And has a girlfriend which sucked and had I known that in the beginning I would totally not have spent so much time talking to him.
KIDDING.
He was nice. And funny. And smart.
And the guy sitting in front of me was ALSO a pilot - I was all DID THEY BRING SPARES? WHAT? - and he was SUCH a Silver Fox.
Northwest Airlines definitely has the yummiest pilots I've ever seen.
Too bad I didn't get a peek into the cock...pit.
Is all I'm saying.
HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, *I'M* NOT THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE NAME.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Helpful Hints From Monty
Dear Men,
We girls do NOT (NOT! NOT! NOT!) like it when you're drama-queenier* than we are.
Is all I'm saying.
*unless of course you're gay in which case it is not only ALLOWED but also EXPECTED and even ENCOURAGED because then it's fun and we can bitch about stuff together but I mean straight guys who are boyfriends/husbands/insignificant others
Sincerely,
Single-For-Good-Reasons Monty
We girls do NOT (NOT! NOT! NOT!) like it when you're drama-queenier* than we are.
Is all I'm saying.
*unless of course you're gay in which case it is not only ALLOWED but also EXPECTED and even ENCOURAGED because then it's fun and we can bitch about stuff together but I mean straight guys who are boyfriends/husbands/insignificant others
Sincerely,
Single-For-Good-Reasons Monty
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Because my life IS a reality show.
Working on the pilot episode of "Real Housewives of The Trailer Park".
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Social Media Diseases - SMTDs
Because Social Media folk have made themselves such easy targets.
I just can't help myself.
They have only themselves to blame.
Clammydia - Transferred by contact.
Symptoms: sweaty palms due to too much glad-handing and patting oneself on the back.
Twitterrhea - Contracted when assuming that giant numbers of followers make one an "expert", "guru", "maven", or "specialist".
Symptoms: Increasing douchebaggery, self-importance; eventual career suicide and abject failure as the rest of us laugh derisively.
Tooles - Much like herpes, there is no cure and the treatment is only about 50% effective. Some people, unfortunately, are just born with the Tool-es gene.
Symptoms: People start avoiding you. Eventually you will attempt to avoid even yourself.
Simpilis - Occurs when one does nothing but simper, suck up, asskiss, and fawn.
Symptoms: Start writing nothing but overblown, flowery cliches, most of which have already been said - and better - by someone else. This disease is EXTREMELY infectious, causing others to repeat the phrases as if they actually had some sort of great meaning. DANGER WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPLY THEM TO REAL LIFE. You will go mad because they Just.Don't.Work.
PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PROTECT YOURSELVES.
Some of these conditions may be life-threatening if they are allowed to remain untreated.
Or at least cause one to be universally disliked apart from one's own kind.
I just can't help myself.
They have only themselves to blame.
Clammydia - Transferred by contact.
Symptoms: sweaty palms due to too much glad-handing and patting oneself on the back.
Twitterrhea - Contracted when assuming that giant numbers of followers make one an "expert", "guru", "maven", or "specialist".
Symptoms: Increasing douchebaggery, self-importance; eventual career suicide and abject failure as the rest of us laugh derisively.
Tooles - Much like herpes, there is no cure and the treatment is only about 50% effective. Some people, unfortunately, are just born with the Tool-es gene.
Symptoms: People start avoiding you. Eventually you will attempt to avoid even yourself.
Simpilis - Occurs when one does nothing but simper, suck up, asskiss, and fawn.
Symptoms: Start writing nothing but overblown, flowery cliches, most of which have already been said - and better - by someone else. This disease is EXTREMELY infectious, causing others to repeat the phrases as if they actually had some sort of great meaning. DANGER WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPLY THEM TO REAL LIFE. You will go mad because they Just.Don't.Work.
PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PROTECT YOURSELVES.
Some of these conditions may be life-threatening if they are allowed to remain untreated.
Or at least cause one to be universally disliked apart from one's own kind.
Friday, October 24, 2008
EVERY moment could be a Hallmark moment
The other day on Twitter we were thinking up greeting cards that really ARE for every occasion.
Here are a few of my favorites that I came up with.
If you follow me on Twitter, feel free to skip this because you've probably already seen it.
You treat me like a Queen!
But for the last time, I swear I AM STRAIGHT.
I don't know what I'd do without you!
But I'd like to give it a six-month try.
I'm so sorry...
That on our recent trip to Mexico I drank the water...and shit my pants.
I'm sorry...
That I got so drunk on our date that I killed your fish when I puked in your aquarium.
I fell in love with you in cyberspace/But then we met and I saw your face/Now that's a memory I long to erase.
If I had a quarter for every time I thought of you...
I could pay the parking meter for a whole hour.
I smile when I think about you every morning...
Because I'm plotting your death.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I bought you this very expensive gift so you'd feel guilty about missing MY birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY from all of us!
Because none of us likes you well enough to spring for a card individually.
So...how many can I put you down for?
TONIGHT - 9pm Central/10pm Eastern/7pm Pacific
for
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
Tonight's show: MOOD MUSIC
And we all know I'm a woman of many, many moods.
Tune it in. TURN IT UP.
Join the true insanity in the Chat Room.
Here are a few of my favorites that I came up with.
If you follow me on Twitter, feel free to skip this because you've probably already seen it.
You treat me like a Queen!
But for the last time, I swear I AM STRAIGHT.
I don't know what I'd do without you!
But I'd like to give it a six-month try.
I'm so sorry...
That on our recent trip to Mexico I drank the water...and shit my pants.
I'm sorry...
That I got so drunk on our date that I killed your fish when I puked in your aquarium.
I fell in love with you in cyberspace/But then we met and I saw your face/Now that's a memory I long to erase.
If I had a quarter for every time I thought of you...
I could pay the parking meter for a whole hour.
I smile when I think about you every morning...
Because I'm plotting your death.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I bought you this very expensive gift so you'd feel guilty about missing MY birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY from all of us!
Because none of us likes you well enough to spring for a card individually.
So...how many can I put you down for?
for
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
Tonight's show: MOOD MUSIC
And we all know I'm a woman of many, many moods.
Tune it in. TURN IT UP.
Join the true insanity in the Chat Room.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I'm your huckleberry
If I was rich, I'd totally be someone's Sugar Mama.
For real.
See, I've been doing the single mom thing for about 11 years now, and I'm mostly content with it.
Except for sometimes.
If I was a Sugar Mama, it'd be perfect.
If I wanted to dress up and go out of an evening, My Beck-and-Call Boy would be available to dance attendance upon me.
If I wanted him to sleep over, he would.
If I wanted someone to come over at 11pm and snuggle me on a cold winter's night, all I'd have to do is call.
Bonus if he's handy at fixing stuff and/or computer savvy.
I wonder if he'd do the grocery shopping sometimes...
Of course he'd have to have a really superior ass.
And then I wouldn't have to share the remote, or add another person to take care of, another person after whom I'd have to pick up, or make conversation when I (frequently) don't feel like talking.
The toilet seat wouldn't be left up. There wouldn't be any extra laundry to do.
A relationship-less relationship.
This is a GREAT idea.
Now if only I could find a Beck-And-Call Boy to work for $20 a week, I could get started RIGHT NOW.
Golly, doesn't that make you just want to apply for the position?
For real.
See, I've been doing the single mom thing for about 11 years now, and I'm mostly content with it.
Except for sometimes.
If I was a Sugar Mama, it'd be perfect.
If I wanted to dress up and go out of an evening, My Beck-and-Call Boy would be available to dance attendance upon me.
If I wanted him to sleep over, he would.
If I wanted someone to come over at 11pm and snuggle me on a cold winter's night, all I'd have to do is call.
Bonus if he's handy at fixing stuff and/or computer savvy.
I wonder if he'd do the grocery shopping sometimes...
Of course he'd have to have a really superior ass.
And then I wouldn't have to share the remote, or add another person to take care of, another person after whom I'd have to pick up, or make conversation when I (frequently) don't feel like talking.
The toilet seat wouldn't be left up. There wouldn't be any extra laundry to do.
A relationship-less relationship.
This is a GREAT idea.
Now if only I could find a Beck-And-Call Boy to work for $20 a week, I could get started RIGHT NOW.
Golly, doesn't that make you just want to apply for the position?
Thursday, August 28, 2008
So you can make an informed decision...
in the Hot Blogger Calendar contest:
1. I'm already a giant attention whore.
READ MY BLOG! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! LISTEN TO MY LIVE SHOW! DOWNLOAD MY PODCAST! CHECK OUT MY RACK!
See? (okay, the rack is still pretty swell for 40)
2. That picture up in the sidebar is like 4 years old. Now I'm less cute and more wrinkly. Also fatter. But my hair still looks damn good.
3. As I may have mentioned
4. I say a lot of hateful things, and mostly I mean them.
5. If you start talking to me about politics, my eyes will glaze over and possibly I'll have a small stroke, because I'm absolutely apolitical. Yell at me all you want about how people like me are why there is never any real change, I promise it won't do any good - I'll just tell you what you want to hear so you'll SHUT THE FUCK UP already.
6. I firmly believe that a lot of that newfangled "Social Media" stuff is just an excuse for people to get together, get drunk, and sing karaoke. I really don't drink, so I'm underqualified. And people actually MAKE MONEY somehow. It's so confusing.
7. I really don't like people.
8. I am made of asshole.
9. I often feel a really strong urge to headstab people. Usually it's the same handful of folks, but occasionally there's a new & improved douchebag that I really, really want to get.
10. Probably you should now review #s 3, 4, 7 and 8 especially.
That is all.
Have a day.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Some things which are of no particular importance.
Quote Of The Day...
In the Great Paragraph Of Life, I am usually out of context.
Yeah no, I don't really know what it means either.
But it sounded really smart when it was in my head.
So let me take a moment to mention that the voting is OPEN at Hot Blogger Calendar!
Yes, I consider it an honor to be nominated; no, I am not campaigning for votes (although, you know, if you vote for me and I win there could be something in it for you. Maybe).
I was reading on blogs and on Twitter all about how stupid the contest is and how "hot" is so subjective and how some of the people nominated were really very far from hot and how if "I were nominated I would SO ask to have my name removed" and how "this is a joke, right?" and blahblahblah.
How those people could even speak through the mouthsful (mouthfuls?) of sour grapes, I have no idea.
I say... sometimes, things are just for fun.
I say... I'm JAZZED someone liked me enough to nominate me.
I say... There's more to being HOT than just looks. (Obviously. I mean, Ms. America I ain't. And plus also I'm mean and sort of rude and occasionally have a fucking foul mouth, so I'm not going to win on personality. How the hell did I end up on the list anyway?) (OH yeah, bribery and sex. Don't try that at home - it's for professionals only).
If you don't like it, don't go to the site. But also, don't run your ever-flapping lame-hole about shit when you haven't even bothered to check it out.
Is all I'm saying.
If a hooker tells you that you look like such a professional, it's only polite to tell her she looks like a real pro too.
OH. Did you miss the All-Dedication Show on Friday?
Too bad. It was great.
But you can listen to the podcast, I GUESS:
In the Great Paragraph Of Life, I am usually out of context.
Yeah no, I don't really know what it means either.
But it sounded really smart when it was in my head.
So let me take a moment to mention that the voting is OPEN at Hot Blogger Calendar!
Yes, I consider it an honor to be nominated; no, I am not campaigning for votes (although, you know, if you vote for me and I win there could be something in it for you. Maybe).
I was reading on blogs and on Twitter all about how stupid the contest is and how "hot" is so subjective and how some of the people nominated were really very far from hot and how if "I were nominated I would SO ask to have my name removed" and how "this is a joke, right?" and blahblahblah.
How those people could even speak through the mouthsful (mouthfuls?) of sour grapes, I have no idea.
I say... sometimes, things are just for fun.
I say... I'm JAZZED someone liked me enough to nominate me.
I say... There's more to being HOT than just looks. (Obviously. I mean, Ms. America I ain't. And plus also I'm mean and sort of rude and occasionally have a fucking foul mouth, so I'm not going to win on personality. How the hell did I end up on the list anyway?) (OH yeah, bribery and sex. Don't try that at home - it's for professionals only).
If you don't like it, don't go to the site. But also, don't run your ever-flapping lame-hole about shit when you haven't even bothered to check it out.
Is all I'm saying.
If a hooker tells you that you look like such a professional, it's only polite to tell her she looks like a real pro too.
OH. Did you miss the All-Dedication Show on Friday?
Too bad. It was great.
But you can listen to the podcast, I GUESS:
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Twitter Dating 101
I'm always just a tad bit surprised when I hear of all the hook-ups that happen on Twitter - up to and including a marriage proposal and acceptance! Also a later public announcement of the broken engagement, but that's another story.
Then again maybe it shouldn't surprise me, as I see some girls marketing their considerable "girlfriend" skills ... ever-so-subtly letting the boys know through their tweets that not only are they SO AVAILABLE, but also they're SUCH A GOOD CATCH, REALLY FOR REALS.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, but MYslutty "girlfriend" marketing skills are completely UNsubtle. I'll tell you straight out that I'd probably put out if you take me to the Neil Diamond concert here in October (although that deal ALSO requires that you buy me a concert t-shirt, but still).
So I was on my way to work this morning (I do my bestdaydreaming thinking in the car) and decided to tweet a series about what I imagine a twitter date would be like.
Or at least, what my twitter date would probably be like.
So if you missed it this morning...
Twitter Dating: A series. Tweet #1: "OMG @--- is even cuter than his mangatar! I need a tictac."
Twitter Dating #2: "@--- & I are at the movies watching Dark Knight. He "accidentally" touched my boob! Also he is hogging the popcorn."
Twitter Dating #3: "At dinner with @---. He has spinach in his teeth. SO GROSS but FUNNY, so I'm not going to tell him. DO NOT TWEET HIM!"
Twitter Dating #4: "OMG I'm totally DOING IT with @--- RIGHT NOW! After all, he DID spring for dinner & movie & you should see size of his c
(ed. note: Aw, too bad! That one must have been over 140 characters)
Twitter Dating #5: oaifhjkajsadhjuiwhrjh
Twitter Dating #6 (the next morning): "Hm. Daylight changes things. & now he knows where I live. I might have to move."
Twitter Dating #7: "Unfollowing/blocking @---."
The end.
Then again maybe it shouldn't surprise me, as I see some girls marketing their considerable "girlfriend" skills ... ever-so-subtly letting the boys know through their tweets that not only are they SO AVAILABLE, but also they're SUCH A GOOD CATCH, REALLY FOR REALS.
Oh, I know what you're thinking, but MY
So I was on my way to work this morning (I do my best
Or at least, what my twitter date would probably be like.
So if you missed it this morning...
Twitter Dating: A series. Tweet #1: "OMG @--- is even cuter than his mangatar! I need a tictac."
Twitter Dating #2: "@--- & I are at the movies watching Dark Knight. He "accidentally" touched my boob! Also he is hogging the popcorn."
Twitter Dating #3: "At dinner with @---. He has spinach in his teeth. SO GROSS but FUNNY, so I'm not going to tell him. DO NOT TWEET HIM!"
Twitter Dating #4: "OMG I'm totally DOING IT with @--- RIGHT NOW! After all, he DID spring for dinner & movie & you should see size of his c
(ed. note: Aw, too bad! That one must have been over 140 characters)
Twitter Dating #5: oaifhjkajsadhjuiwhrjh
Twitter Dating #6 (the next morning): "Hm. Daylight changes things. & now he knows where I live. I might have to move."
Twitter Dating #7: "Unfollowing/blocking @---."
The end.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Me thinks.
You may have already seen some of these on Twitter. But I'm trying to spend less time there, as it is a giant time-suck.
Smiling and telling people to 'have a nice day' when they're enraged is a sure-fire way to make them pop a vessel.
Also it's a source of great amusement for me.
If I should ever become an "A-List" blogger (I KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!), I will go out of my way to be approachable and not a total douchebag.
You know you've been watching too much porn when you're actually surprised - and a little disappointed- that the pizza-delivery guy didn't make a move on you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a $20 in the g-string.
I stole the term "girl-wood" from one of Golfwidow's podcasts.
The best way to be remembered by your gyno is to ALWAYS carry a strand of pearls to drape artfully across your vajayjay -while half-closing your eyes and biting your lip in a sexy manner- during the exam.
I'm not good or bad, I'm just inevitable.
Sometimes when I say "you're the whole package!" what I really mean is "you're a real tool".
If I was a hooker, I would nickname my vagina "The Money Pit".
I wanted to be a massage therapist, then I realized my aversion to touching strangers might prove a wee bit of a hindrance.
I giggle every time I hear the commercial where the burly guy says "I'm so glad I switched to Cox!" Say it out loud. It's funny. Yes, I'm 12.
I'd like to tell myself that if I didn't work full time & had help with the kids, my house would be cleaner. But that'd probably be a lie.
I have given my phone # out more times on twitter than I did that time I got really drunk at the bar & danced on the speaker.
I was surprised to see that Speedos are no longer the fashion in Olympic men's swimming. Guess they needed to streamline their junk to be more hydrodynamic.
You know you're really old when that hot mermaid tattoo you got at 18 now just looks like a manatee.
Smiling and telling people to 'have a nice day' when they're enraged is a sure-fire way to make them pop a vessel.
Also it's a source of great amusement for me.
If I should ever become an "A-List" blogger (I KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!), I will go out of my way to be approachable and not a total douchebag.
You know you've been watching too much porn when you're actually surprised - and a little disappointed- that the pizza-delivery guy didn't make a move on you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a $20 in the g-string.
I stole the term "girl-wood" from one of Golfwidow's podcasts.
The best way to be remembered by your gyno is to ALWAYS carry a strand of pearls to drape artfully across your vajayjay -while half-closing your eyes and biting your lip in a sexy manner- during the exam.
I'm not good or bad, I'm just inevitable.
Sometimes when I say "you're the whole package!" what I really mean is "you're a real tool".
If I was a hooker, I would nickname my vagina "The Money Pit".
I wanted to be a massage therapist, then I realized my aversion to touching strangers might prove a wee bit of a hindrance.
I giggle every time I hear the commercial where the burly guy says "I'm so glad I switched to Cox!" Say it out loud. It's funny. Yes, I'm 12.
I'd like to tell myself that if I didn't work full time & had help with the kids, my house would be cleaner. But that'd probably be a lie.
I have given my phone # out more times on twitter than I did that time I got really drunk at the bar & danced on the speaker.
I was surprised to see that Speedos are no longer the fashion in Olympic men's swimming. Guess they needed to streamline their junk to be more hydrodynamic.
You know you're really old when that hot mermaid tattoo you got at 18 now just looks like a manatee.
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