When I said: "Agree to disagree."
What I meant: "You are still SO VERY WRONG but I'm bored of you now."
When I said: "Have a blissful day!"
What I meant: "Ignorance is bliss and you are a ginormous ignorant assclam."
When I said: "I can't even!"
What I meant: "I'm fixin' to cut a bitch."
When I said: "Of COURSE it's not about you!"
What I meant: "Of COURSE it's about you!"
When I said: "I HATE EVERYONE."
What I meant: "I HATE EVERYONE."
If I made crayons, they would be named "Depression Blue" and "Hot Flash Red" and "Bitter Envy Green."
One thing Nicole and I discovered on our Haunted Road Trip Adventure is that NO TOWN is too small for Dollar General. No, srsly.
Showing posts with label i am a bitch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i am a bitch. Show all posts
Monday, January 23, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
An Advice Column
If you only knew how many times per week I think - I should write something on my blog! And then I go and turn a post into a Twitter reduction and pour the glaze on Facebook.
So my friend Neil of Citizen of the Month mentioned that he wanted to get back to regular blogging, at least once a week, just to basically reclaim the space. Then Melissa of Stirrup Queens said that she has a small group of people doing a thing called #MicroblogMonday, again, to take back our little space on the web.
I'm not much of a bandwagoner most of the time but since this happens to be something I was thinking of anyway...
Although in all fairness and honesty I tried 30 days of blogging (last year? year before? 5 years ago?) and failed miserably. But hope springs eternal and all that so here we are again.
PLUS I HAVE 56 FREAKING DRAFTS.
That's more than enough for a year's worth of once-a-week posts and I wouldn't even have to come up with anything new. Except some of those drafts are like....5-6 years old and wouldn't make much sense if I posted them now. So probably I will because it will make me laugh.
This draft is quite old and was clearly waiting on more inspiration but HEY, we work with what we gots.
Don't be that person who is so self-involved and self-centered that *your* problems are the only "real" problems and everyone else's are just petty annoyances.
Because eventually, nobody likes that guy.
Don't let your problem be that you listen to everyone tell you what your problem is.
Don't confuse 'muscles' for 'mussels' unless you want a weird looking partner or a completely disgusting non-seafood dish. #SpellingMatters
Don't be a know-it-all. People often love a wise-ass, but rarely like a know-it-all.
I should know. I know all of the things. Which is, of course, quite a different thing altogether.
So my friend Neil of Citizen of the Month mentioned that he wanted to get back to regular blogging, at least once a week, just to basically reclaim the space. Then Melissa of Stirrup Queens said that she has a small group of people doing a thing called #MicroblogMonday, again, to take back our little space on the web.
I'm not much of a bandwagoner most of the time but since this happens to be something I was thinking of anyway...
Although in all fairness and honesty I tried 30 days of blogging (last year? year before? 5 years ago?) and failed miserably. But hope springs eternal and all that so here we are again.
PLUS I HAVE 56 FREAKING DRAFTS.
That's more than enough for a year's worth of once-a-week posts and I wouldn't even have to come up with anything new. Except some of those drafts are like....5-6 years old and wouldn't make much sense if I posted them now. So probably I will because it will make me laugh.
This draft is quite old and was clearly waiting on more inspiration but HEY, we work with what we gots.
Don't be that person who is so self-involved and self-centered that *your* problems are the only "real" problems and everyone else's are just petty annoyances.
Because eventually, nobody likes that guy.
Don't let your problem be that you listen to everyone tell you what your problem is.
Don't confuse 'muscles' for 'mussels' unless you want a weird looking partner or a completely disgusting non-seafood dish. #SpellingMatters
Don't be a know-it-all. People often love a wise-ass, but rarely like a know-it-all.
I should know. I know all of the things. Which is, of course, quite a different thing altogether.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Things I Wanted To Say
Just a fun little exercise in which I relieve the pressure of Not Engaging and point no fingers.
(#NINAY Lisa)(heehee)(I knew you would ask)
1. You haven't heard from me because sorry, I can't bear watching you make the exact same decision over and over again when it's destroying your life.
2. I question the state of your mental health.
3. You actually are an idiot in a good disguise.
4. Grow up and get over the one-upmanship. This isn't high school, that ship sailed about 30 years ago and it's very unattractive.
5. There comes a time when you have to stop dressing like you're still in your 20s. You're not actually as cute as you think you are.
6. Stop gender-neutralizing your "friends" when you talk about "them" because that's always a dead giveaway.
7. I only ... creatively fictionalized...my answer a little bit so I wouldn't hurt your feelings, because you are important to me.
8. Your ability to turn even good things into whiny complaints has made me wash my hands of you.
9. If you're promoting the message of hate and intolerance while calling yourself a Christian, you aren't one. Period.
10. It hurts my feelings a tiny bit when you go out of your way to publically thank people...except somehow never Me. Ridiculous of me to be hurt, but nonetheless, it does.
11. None of these are about any of you.
(#NINAY Lisa)(heehee)(I knew you would ask)
1. You haven't heard from me because sorry, I can't bear watching you make the exact same decision over and over again when it's destroying your life.
2. I question the state of your mental health.
3. You actually are an idiot in a good disguise.
4. Grow up and get over the one-upmanship. This isn't high school, that ship sailed about 30 years ago and it's very unattractive.
5. There comes a time when you have to stop dressing like you're still in your 20s. You're not actually as cute as you think you are.
6. Stop gender-neutralizing your "friends" when you talk about "them" because that's always a dead giveaway.
7. I only ... creatively fictionalized...my answer a little bit so I wouldn't hurt your feelings, because you are important to me.
8. Your ability to turn even good things into whiny complaints has made me wash my hands of you.
9. If you're promoting the message of hate and intolerance while calling yourself a Christian, you aren't one. Period.
10. It hurts my feelings a tiny bit when you go out of your way to publically thank people...except somehow never Me. Ridiculous of me to be hurt, but nonetheless, it does.
11. None of these are about any of you.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Getting personal
My friend Lisa said that I should write something about her during my "one paragraph per day" challenge. I told her I wasn't sure I could come up with a whole paragraph or maybe even a whole sentence past "Lisa sucks". But in order to prevent much whining (like she does whenever she doesn't get her own personal ringtone on my phone), I guess I can tell you that she's probably one of the best people I've ever met - she's generous to a fault and she can be sort of mean and very sarcastic and of course you know I like that in person. If she were an animal, she'd be a bulldog because she does NOT LET (the Guinness*) GO. That can be sort of bad if she's on the wrong track, but mostly it's a very good thing except if she's nagging. Also? She's really pretty and she lets me say rude things to her in texts. She exercises a lot which makes me hate her a little, but she makes up for it by not reminding me that I'm fat and lazy. She's a good houseguest too, except when she makes me fetch her coffee like eleventy-three times per day. But I guess I love her anyway. Mostly.
Don't be jealous because I didn't write about you - she asked, you didn't. Also she is an attention hoor.
*inside joke
Don't be jealous because I didn't write about you - she asked, you didn't. Also she is an attention hoor.
*inside joke
Friday, February 19, 2010
The One In Which I Get All Yelly And Mean And Offend People
(well, maybe it's not the FIRST one in which I've gotten ranty and mean)
Okay, so the other day I was on Twitter and someone in my stream was involved in a conversation with people that I do not follow. I was interested enough to click through a few people (whom I ALSO do not follow) and came across some dude who was getting all judgy and shouting "HEY PEOPLE QUIT BITCHING ABOUT MISSING OUT ON SOCIAL EVENTS BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS! FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! I WOULD GIVE UP ALL SOCIAL EVENTS IF I HAD MY KIDS FULL TIME!"
Or words to that effect.
And I agree - family IS the important thing.
But here's the what: You DON'T have your kid(s) full time. You have ZERO FUCKING IDEA what it's like to have your kids with you 24 hours a day. ZERO. NONE. NADA.
You're FREE to flit about at a moment's notice. You're free to drop what you're doing when your friends call and say HEY MEET ME AT THE BAR/RESTAURANT/BEACH/WHATEVER.
You don't have to have 3 weeks advance notice so that you can arrange a babysitter.
Also? If you have "regular" or "normal" kids that you can leave alone, you STILL have no idea what MY life is like.
I realize that we ALL have things we take for granted, even when we don't mean to. But I resent people who think like THAT guy trying to make people like me (oh, not ME personally, I don't even know the dude) feel bad for occasionally wishing for a short escape from family.
My twins just turned 15... and I have been a single parent for about 13 of those years.
My son is severely disabled, as most of you know -- he's like an infant. He doesn't do anything for himself, he can't hold a cup, he has to be fed and lifted and carried and diapered.
You can image the number of babysitters, including family, who are just CLAMORING to sit for me. Uh huh.
(If you guessed "NONE", you would be correct)(that is NOT A COMPLAINT, it is a simple FACT)
Besides the fact that I can't AFFORD a nanny or babysitting service, not many people want to be responsible for watching a kid who is heavy but has to be lifted, who has to be cared for as though he is a 3 month old, who has a seizure disorder.
They say "it's scary". And so it is.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I AM SUPREMELY HAPPY AND THANKFUL FOR EVERY DAY THAT MY CHILDREN DRAW BREATH. I am not blaming anyone for the way things are, for my situation. I deal with it, I try not to bitch about it very often - it's my job as a parent.
But I am mostly tied to my house. My son is too heavy to carry and he has a special wheelchair, not a regular one that can just fold in half, so it takes about 20-30 minutes just to take it apart to load it in the car.
I go practically NOWHERE except to work while the kids are in school. Or to the grocery store. And for the last 2 years I have been so lucky to get away for a weekend to go to Blogher, and it took at least 2 months of arranging to get THAT figured out, even though it was their FATHER who was to have them at that time.
AND since we're on the subject: working at a daycare, being a camp counselor or a teenage babysitter is a whole different animal than being a parent. The feelings you have are different, the LEVEL of the feelings you have are different, your thought processes are different.
So if I say I'm sad to miss out on this event or that social gathering, don't tell me how I SHOULD act, how I SHOULD feel, how I SHOULD parent.
Don't you DARE imply that I am LESS THAN AN EXCELLENT PARENT simply because I might occasionally say "OH I WISH I COULD GO TO 'this event' OR 'that social gathering'".
You talk to me when you've walked a couple of miles in my shoes. Until then? SHUT YOUR LAMEHOLE.
And also, fuck you and the high horse you rode in on, pal.
Okay, so the other day I was on Twitter and someone in my stream was involved in a conversation with people that I do not follow. I was interested enough to click through a few people (whom I ALSO do not follow) and came across some dude who was getting all judgy and shouting "HEY PEOPLE QUIT BITCHING ABOUT MISSING OUT ON SOCIAL EVENTS BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS! FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! I WOULD GIVE UP ALL SOCIAL EVENTS IF I HAD MY KIDS FULL TIME!"
Or words to that effect.
And I agree - family IS the important thing.
But here's the what: You DON'T have your kid(s) full time. You have ZERO FUCKING IDEA what it's like to have your kids with you 24 hours a day. ZERO. NONE. NADA.
You're FREE to flit about at a moment's notice. You're free to drop what you're doing when your friends call and say HEY MEET ME AT THE BAR/RESTAURANT/BEACH/WHATEVER.
You don't have to have 3 weeks advance notice so that you can arrange a babysitter.
Also? If you have "regular" or "normal" kids that you can leave alone, you STILL have no idea what MY life is like.
I realize that we ALL have things we take for granted, even when we don't mean to. But I resent people who think like THAT guy trying to make people like me (oh, not ME personally, I don't even know the dude) feel bad for occasionally wishing for a short escape from family.
My twins just turned 15... and I have been a single parent for about 13 of those years.
My son is severely disabled, as most of you know -- he's like an infant. He doesn't do anything for himself, he can't hold a cup, he has to be fed and lifted and carried and diapered.
You can image the number of babysitters, including family, who are just CLAMORING to sit for me. Uh huh.
(If you guessed "NONE", you would be correct)(that is NOT A COMPLAINT, it is a simple FACT)
Besides the fact that I can't AFFORD a nanny or babysitting service, not many people want to be responsible for watching a kid who is heavy but has to be lifted, who has to be cared for as though he is a 3 month old, who has a seizure disorder.
They say "it's scary". And so it is.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I AM SUPREMELY HAPPY AND THANKFUL FOR EVERY DAY THAT MY CHILDREN DRAW BREATH. I am not blaming anyone for the way things are, for my situation. I deal with it, I try not to bitch about it very often - it's my job as a parent.
But I am mostly tied to my house. My son is too heavy to carry and he has a special wheelchair, not a regular one that can just fold in half, so it takes about 20-30 minutes just to take it apart to load it in the car.
I go practically NOWHERE except to work while the kids are in school. Or to the grocery store. And for the last 2 years I have been so lucky to get away for a weekend to go to Blogher, and it took at least 2 months of arranging to get THAT figured out, even though it was their FATHER who was to have them at that time.
AND since we're on the subject: working at a daycare, being a camp counselor or a teenage babysitter is a whole different animal than being a parent. The feelings you have are different, the LEVEL of the feelings you have are different, your thought processes are different.
So if I say I'm sad to miss out on this event or that social gathering, don't tell me how I SHOULD act, how I SHOULD feel, how I SHOULD parent.
Don't you DARE imply that I am LESS THAN AN EXCELLENT PARENT simply because I might occasionally say "OH I WISH I COULD GO TO 'this event' OR 'that social gathering'".
You talk to me when you've walked a couple of miles in my shoes. Until then? SHUT YOUR LAMEHOLE.
And also, fuck you and the high horse you rode in on, pal.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Reading Between The Lines ...
A companion guide to Lost In Translation.
What I said: "It's great that you're so...passionate...about that."
What I meant: "Seriously you just rambled and raved like a drunken sailor coming off a 21 day binge."
What I said: "Nice!"
What I meant: "I have no idea what you said, I tuned you out 10 minutes ago because I was I was about to pass out from sheer boredom."
What I said: "That sucks for you!"
What I meant: "Sucks to be you. Heh."
What I said: "Sounds interesting!"
What I meant: "MUST.KEEP.EYES.FROM.ROLLING."
What I said: "No, of course I didn't mean YOU."
What I meant: "OF COURSE I MEANT YOU, DOUCHEBAG."
What I said: "I hate people."
What I meant: "I hate people."
What I said: "It's great that you're so...passionate...about that."
What I meant: "Seriously you just rambled and raved like a drunken sailor coming off a 21 day binge."
What I said: "Nice!"
What I meant: "I have no idea what you said, I tuned you out 10 minutes ago because I was I was about to pass out from sheer boredom."
What I said: "That sucks for you!"
What I meant: "Sucks to be you. Heh."
What I said: "Sounds interesting!"
What I meant: "MUST.KEEP.EYES.FROM.ROLLING."
What I said: "No, of course I didn't mean YOU."
What I meant: "OF COURSE I MEANT YOU, DOUCHEBAG."
What I said: "I hate people."
What I meant: "I hate people."
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Lost In Translation
What I said: "I'm sure it was a really tough situation and you handled it the best way you could."
What I meant: "STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND GROW A PAIR! What are you, a GIRL?"
What I said: "I'm really sorry to hear that! It must be hard."
What I meant: "STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC with your every single thought! Also who CARES?"
What I said: "That never gets old!"
What I meant: "PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE YOU TELL THAT STORY AGAIN FOR THE FORTY-ELEVENTH TIME."
What I said: "Sure, that sounds like fun!"
What I meant: "DAMMIT, why couldn't I think of an excuse faster??"
What I said: "How interesting!"
What I meant: "I wish I had a gun with which to shoot myself in the leg, just to have something to do that would KEEP ME AWAKE."
What I said: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."
What I meant: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."
This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Now carry on with your lives, citizens.
What I meant: "STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND GROW A PAIR! What are you, a GIRL?"
What I said: "I'm really sorry to hear that! It must be hard."
What I meant: "STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC with your every single thought! Also who CARES?"
What I said: "That never gets old!"
What I meant: "PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE YOU TELL THAT STORY AGAIN FOR THE FORTY-ELEVENTH TIME."
What I said: "Sure, that sounds like fun!"
What I meant: "DAMMIT, why couldn't I think of an excuse faster??"
What I said: "How interesting!"
What I meant: "I wish I had a gun with which to shoot myself in the leg, just to have something to do that would KEEP ME AWAKE."
What I said: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."
What I meant: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."
This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Now carry on with your lives, citizens.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Social Media Diseases - SMTDs
Because Social Media folk have made themselves such easy targets.
I just can't help myself.
They have only themselves to blame.
Clammydia - Transferred by contact.
Symptoms: sweaty palms due to too much glad-handing and patting oneself on the back.
Twitterrhea - Contracted when assuming that giant numbers of followers make one an "expert", "guru", "maven", or "specialist".
Symptoms: Increasing douchebaggery, self-importance; eventual career suicide and abject failure as the rest of us laugh derisively.
Tooles - Much like herpes, there is no cure and the treatment is only about 50% effective. Some people, unfortunately, are just born with the Tool-es gene.
Symptoms: People start avoiding you. Eventually you will attempt to avoid even yourself.
Simpilis - Occurs when one does nothing but simper, suck up, asskiss, and fawn.
Symptoms: Start writing nothing but overblown, flowery cliches, most of which have already been said - and better - by someone else. This disease is EXTREMELY infectious, causing others to repeat the phrases as if they actually had some sort of great meaning. DANGER WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPLY THEM TO REAL LIFE. You will go mad because they Just.Don't.Work.
PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PROTECT YOURSELVES.
Some of these conditions may be life-threatening if they are allowed to remain untreated.
Or at least cause one to be universally disliked apart from one's own kind.
I just can't help myself.
They have only themselves to blame.
Clammydia - Transferred by contact.
Symptoms: sweaty palms due to too much glad-handing and patting oneself on the back.
Twitterrhea - Contracted when assuming that giant numbers of followers make one an "expert", "guru", "maven", or "specialist".
Symptoms: Increasing douchebaggery, self-importance; eventual career suicide and abject failure as the rest of us laugh derisively.
Tooles - Much like herpes, there is no cure and the treatment is only about 50% effective. Some people, unfortunately, are just born with the Tool-es gene.
Symptoms: People start avoiding you. Eventually you will attempt to avoid even yourself.
Simpilis - Occurs when one does nothing but simper, suck up, asskiss, and fawn.
Symptoms: Start writing nothing but overblown, flowery cliches, most of which have already been said - and better - by someone else. This disease is EXTREMELY infectious, causing others to repeat the phrases as if they actually had some sort of great meaning. DANGER WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPLY THEM TO REAL LIFE. You will go mad because they Just.Don't.Work.
PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, PROTECT YOURSELVES.
Some of these conditions may be life-threatening if they are allowed to remain untreated.
Or at least cause one to be universally disliked apart from one's own kind.
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