A lot of things, only a couple of which are of any importance

First...
A big hug, smooch, and THANK YOU to my darling friend IcePrincezz (with whom I share a brain) for sending me THIS ITEM from my wishlist.
IT.IS.AWESOME!!!! Thank you, IcePrincezz!! xoxoxox

---

My irrational yet stupefying fear of bugs makes mowing the lawn a challenge.
We've got a zillion of those things that look like giant industrial-size mosquitos that roun' these parts we call Skeeter Eaters. Whether or not they actually eat skeeters is debatable...anyway, they swarmed me and I nearly lost my mind. *shudder*
Plus the innumerable crickets, grasshoppers, ticks, wasps, beetles, and those HORRID black things that fly in from outside and look like 4 inch long roaches. *gag**gag*
And even the butterflies. Pretty to look at, but I don't want them on me. And the yards of (please God, uninhabited) spider webs.
Now the sun is gone, the sky has clouded up, and I'm praying for rain so that I don't have to do the backyard today.

---

Speaking of mowing...
My daughter is going to be sad because I had to mow down her little cache of weeds wildflowers that she picks for me most every day.

---

Also speaking of mowing...
I was listening to some music whilst I worked, and every time I hear Carrie Underwood sing "Before He Cheats", I laugh when she says, "Right now, he's probably dabbin' on three dollars worth of that bathroom Polo" because it reminds me of the time B.C. (that's Before Children, although I'm nearly old enough for it to have meant the other kind of B.C.) when we used to go out dancin'. A boy might dance with me a few times, and when it got close to closing time (if he thought he might get lucky--HAHA! SUCKER!) he'd scurry off to the men's room and come back a few minutes later smelling of...you guessed it...Polo. Sometimes Obsession. Rarely Poison, for which I was glad because the stink of that makes me retch. I knew it had to've come from the machine in the bathroom, because their Wranglers were so tight that not only could I count the change in their pockets, there was not even a smidge of extra room in which to hide a bottle of cologne.

---

And to finish up with the mowing...
If any of you live close by and you're one of those freakish weird kooky outdoorsy people who really actually likes to mow, I will gladly work a little more overtime in order to pay you to come and do it for me. Because I really, really, really, really, really hate it. Really.

---

AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...
Time to reveal my MIXMANIA LIST!
Our theme this time? Time.
Now, I tend to take things more...literally...than most of my fellow Mixologists. I'm not capable of thinking around corners or outside the box, that particular streak of creativity is missing in me.
Nonetheless, I usually manage to come up with a decent mix, if a bit obvious.

Time is like liquid, conforming to whatever we need it to be...We spend time, we waste it, we take it, do it, and kill it. Time flies, it stands still, it slips away. We count it, measure it, in seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years...Sometimes there's plenty, sometimes there's none.
So if you were my MixMatch, here's what you got:

Disc One
Time - Alan Parsons Project
Hourglass - The Squeeze
New York Minute - The Eagles
Time For Me To Fly - REO Speedwagon
Taking My Time - Boston
One Minute - Kelly Clarkson
5 O'Clock World - The Vogues
The Best Of Times - Styx
Theme from "A Clockwork Orange" (aka Beethovenia) - From "A Clockwork Orange"
The Second Time Around - Shalimar
Wasted Time - The Eagles
Still Doing Time - George Jones
Killin' Time - Clint Black
Party All The Time - Eddie Murphy
Time Stood Still - Bad English
Feels Like The First Time - Foreigner
Time Of The Season - The Zombies
Time To Change - The Brady Bunch

Disc Two
No Time - The Guess Who
Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce
Good Timing - Jimmy Jones
Fly Like An Eagle - Steve Miller Band
Minute by Minute - Doobie Brothers
Loving Every Minute Of It - Loverboy
Lovin' Every Minute - Mark Wills
60 Minute Man - Billy Ward & The Dominoes
Whatcha Waitin' For (TickTock) - Gwen Stefani
My Baby's Got Good Timing - Dan Seals
First Time For Everything - Little Texas
Cadillac, One Piece At A Time - Johnny Cash
Part Time Lover - Stevie Wonder
Bad Timing - Blue Rodeo
Tick Tock - Stevie Ray Vaughn
After Hours - Velvet Underground featuring Maureen "Mo" Tucker
Brand New Day - Sting
Rock Around The Clock - Bill Haley
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Hour Follows Hour - Ani DiFranco
Time Warp - from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (I'd be disappointed if you didn't know that already)

Hope you enjoyed it, MixMatch!! :)

---

Did I mention that I'd buy you beer if you mow my lawn?
Consider it mentioned.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Mother Talk Blog Bonanza!

MotherTalk is hereby dubbing Friday April 27th as Fearless Friday!
"During a Blog Bonanza, bloggers everywhere write about a single topic on the same day, and on that day we’re able to click from blog to blog, reading our friends thoughts, finding new wisdom, having as close to a major conversation as blogging might allow."

---

In celebration of Arianna Huffington's book, On Becoming Fearless...In Love, Work, and Life, the Blog Bonanza topic is Fearless Friday.
So. Let the Bonanza begin.

---

I am fearless.

I realize that by definition fearless means without fear, but when I say "I am fearless", what I mean is that I am fearless about trying to become...fearless.
By which I mean that I am not afraid to try.
We are to blog about a moment when we were fearless, or perhaps started overcoming a fear, or felt empowered, stepped outside our comfort zone. I have spent much of my adult life being afraid of one thing or another.

I am fearless.

I was married to a man who abused me physically, mentally, and emotionally for better than five years. I was convinced that I deserved it; if only I hadn't (said what I said)(done what I did)(had that look on my face)(been so impatient)(fill in the blank--it all applies). Being told daily that you're fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, and no-one else would have you anyway starts to convince you that you are indeed fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, and no-one else would have you anyway.
I lived in fear. And I was so cowed that for a time I couldn't leave, I made excuses like "OH! I can't face taking down all the pictures off the wall! And OH! The packing! And OH! He'll beat me up if I try to sneak out! And OH! I'm not strong enough, and maybe he really, truly means it this time when he says he'll change."
Yeah.
Until.
Until I reached the line, the point of no return, the final straw. And it wasn't anything in particular that put me in that place, I was just there.
As I waited for a girlfriend of mine to pick me up for work, my heart started pounding and I started shaking and I suddenly thought "I.CANNOT.DO.THIS.ANYMORE."
I left with nothing except my purse. I left my clothes, my furniture, my mementos behind...and walked out the door.

I am fearless.

My children were born so early, so tiny, just a tad over a pound each, and I was afraid for their lives every moment of every day. I have become somewhat less fearful as each year passes...but it never truly has left me. I have grasped my children tightly and can hardly bear to have them out of my sight, out of arm's reach, for more than a minute.
But how are they to grow, to become who they are supposed to be?
I have to let them.
I have to let them go.
I had to reach into the deepest part of me to let my daughter walk to school by herself...and eventually I let her stop calling me when she got there.
I had to be brave and let her go out of town for the weekend with a friend.
She wants to go to camp with our church youth group for a whole week this summer...and I will loosen my stranglehold and let her.
Let her go. Let her grow. Let her become.

I am fearless.

I have been afraid to speak out, to voice my opinion, for fear of what others would think. Blogging has given me a voice, and I've discovered that I don't have to shout my opinions to be heard, to be understood.

I am fearless.

It's hard to try. It's hard, knowing that I will fail sometimes. It's hard, knowing that I have to take that first step even though I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. That's why I am fearless. Because I'll take the step.
I'll take it because YOU, YOUR fearlessness, inspires me. Your support holds me upright. Your affection soothes my heart. YOU are a large part of my fearlessness.
Many of you have unrealized courage, but I see it, read it, in your stories.

You're fearless too, you know.

I am fearless.

Except, you know, for bugs.

Thought For The Day

"Sometimes you have to eat shit and just keep on smiling like it was creme brulee." ~~aka Monty

Hmmm

I saw this billboard on Hefner Parkway the other day that read "1 in 3 women will die from heart disease".
That scared me, so I decided to start hanging out exclusively with women who look really sick--like they could go at any minute.
I figure that ups my odds, right?

---

Help save internet radio. Check it out. Thanks.

Holy Crapoly, you've gotta be kidding.

My incredibly discerning and brilliantly intelligent darling friend Ms Finn has chosen to honor me with one of these:



Thank you, Ms Finn! I'm pleased to know that I have said something that caused you to think--and I'm very touched to be chosen, most especially by you whom I admire and respect so very much.

I've seen these around here and there and in a couple of cases--if I'm being honest *she said in a snide Simon Cowell voice*--I had no idea why the person was a recipient.
I can also say that just as easily about myself, so don't get your knickers in a twist.

Now my friend Brian (well-deservedly) received one, and he had the most complete directions I'd seen so naturally I copied off him (and not for the first time).

Not only is a the Thinking Blogger Award for recognition, it's also a meme and the rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to five blogs that make you think.

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

3. (Optional) Proudly display the "Thinking Blogger Award" with a link to the post that you wrote.

Right then! If Ms Finn and Brian had not already been chosen, rest assured that they would have been on my list.

There are many of you who make me think...well, some of you make me think you're just silly. Or something. So this is going to be a difficult choice.

I think I'll start with Annie from Smart At Love. She's not only smart at love, she's smart at lots of stuff. I've heard her on a podcast, and I can tell you she's brilliant and eloquent, and knows how to put things so that regular folks like me can understand. Believe me when I say she knows what she's talking about...there isn't a post she's written that does NOT make me think about my own relationships. So far? She's been on the nose every time.

I don't do politics as a general rule, too complicated and headachy for me. However, I do want to keep abreast of what's going on in the world. I get my info from The Doctors at Sigmund, Carl, and Alfred.
They MAKE me think...sometimes they make me think a lot. They are opinionated and erudite, and encourage open and honest (and respectful!) discussion of often inflammatory topics.

Next has to be the person I want to be when I grow up, Mamacita of Scheiss Weekly. She's got book smarts and REAL common sense. She's the kind of educator I wish we had a million more of; she's wise, she's funny, she's The Real Thing. Mamacita's posts often make me think about--and sometimes re-evaluate--my feelings on particular issues. She's a Thinking Blogger if ever there was one.

I cannot possibly leave Steph from Incurable Insomniac off of my list. Steph is articulate, an artist of music, a composer, and has a fabulous dry wit. Steph leads Round Table discussions that are always interesting and informative, and often make me pause and reconsider my own points of view. A great Thinker, is Steph, and one of my favorite people in the world.

Last but certainly not least is the inimitable Meg Fowler (formerly of BlogCabin). Oh, I love the Meg-a-licious. We've gone round and round, head to head, and still I love her dearly. She's so very brainy, she tells the best stories from the bus, she has fun interactive lists that everyone loves...but I give her this award for the other things. For the issues that she is passionate about that make me think more deeply. For the emotion she brings, for her love of so much and so many. She often causes me to think seriously when my instinct would be to answer with flippancy.

From my heart to yours, THANK YOU all for the thoughts you've made me think.
Even when I didn't want to.

---

**there is at least one more I would give to a person who has a semi-secret blog, but he hates awards & memes.
You have no-one to blame but yourself. :) But I totally would have given you one of these awards. xoxox

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

but first...
If you missed the PREMIERE, just download it here:

Click here to get your own player.

---

and then...
THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, e-cards, and gifts. :)

You rock my world.

---

My Birthday.

The worst of times...briefly:

*Woke up with DMS
*Daughter tried to serve me some attitude
*Before I had coffee
*Son bit me. Hard. Left a bruise on the meaty part of my thumb
*Still no coffee
*Had a small nervous breakdown
*Threw a temper tantrum
*Went to my room, slammed the door. Threw socks at the wall. Screamed. Cried. Cursed a lot.
*Composed myself, went to the kitchen, found coffee and a note:
"Dear Mom, Happy Birthday. I'm sorry I got on your nerves. Here's some birthday coffee for you."
*Cried some more because I'm a mean evil mother
*Drank my birthday coffee. The balance of nature was restored.

It was the best of times...briefly:

*My friend Zero sent me THIS MOVIE FROM MY WISHLIST
*I got an assload of love from you guys
*I got birthday money that I promptly spent on 1GB of RAM and a headset
*I got to talk to two of my favorite man-friends on the phone. Both of them made me laugh. One cheered me up, the other guided me through the murky waters of technology in language that even a dope like me could understand.
*I got flowers
*and PRESENTS
*and cards in the mail
*Mom made me homemade chicken caesar salad and cookie pizza

---

Have a day.
That is all.

Tonight's the night...

Imagine, if you will, a big sparkly marquee with blinking and flashing lights:

****PREMIERE!*******PREMIERE!********PREMIERE!****

FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE
With MONTY
Tune it in. I double-dog dare ya.

7pm in California
9pm Central
10pm Eastern

ONLY ON



Come on. Join the Empire.

---

Hey, guess what? I taught my daughter how to shoot whiskey today!
Only she was using cough syrup, but still.

---

Tomorrow, I'll tell you some birthday stories.

happy birthday to me

Time Out

It was an honor just to be nominated...

...but let's face it--it's so much better when you win!

THANK YOU to EVERYONE who voted for me in the BoB Awards...

And THANK YOU for winning me THE BEST PODCAST!

I so totally rock.
*she said modestly*

You all share this honor with me (if you're one of the ones who voted for me, that is--if not, then screw you)...but I get to keep it at my house.

THANKS EVERYONE!!

---

Dear Mother Nature,

Now that's more like it.
Thanks, Big Mama.

Love and kisses,
Monty

I can't feel my fingers. Or toes.

Dear Mother Nature,

Yo' girl, whassup? I'd like to point out that this is the second time I've had to contact you in order to set some things straight.
Now, I'd like to know...have you gone off your meds again? Is it global warming? Is Al Gore putting too much pressure on you?

Because you do realize, I'm sure, that it's April. Mid-April, even. We're all prepared here for severe thunderstorms, a little hail, some straight line winds, and plenty of tornadic activity.

It snowed at my house a few days ago.
Snow.
In mid-April.

What the hell? It's been rainy (which is nice, and not unexpected), but we're not supposed to be getting snow and near freezing temperatures here in the middle of the country in April. I should have my windows thrown open to catch the breezes, smelling my lovely lilac bushes...but you know what? MY LILACS ARE NEARLY DEAD because of you. That blood sap is on your hands.
And my heater is on. It's frigging cold.

Please pull your head out of your ass and wipe the shit from your eyes & put things back to normal.
The basement is all prepared for a tornado. We're waiting.

Sincerely,
A concerned inhabitant of Planet Earth

---

Dear KFC drive-thru girl,

I don't think that you're actually supposed to have the microphone IN your mouth when working the drive-thru window.
Just a little FYI.

Sincerely,
The customer who couldn't understand a bloody word you said

---

Dear Freak Show,

*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*
You bore me. And I laugh when you keep making a giant ass out of yourself.
OH and PS, I'm not the only one laughing.

Sincerely,
Monty

---

4 out of 5 skanky hos surveyed agreed that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones.

UPDATE your ITUNES!!

JOIN US FRIDAY, APRIL 13
and help us launch a brand new station!

NEW VIBE. NEW STATION.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC



The launch party promises to be filled with good music and fun...

COME ON. JOIN THE EMPIRE.

---

Then join me next Friday (4/20) at 9pm Central for Friday Night Live with Monty!
New night. New time. New station.
Same old me.

---

**NOT in ANY WAY affiliated with any other stations that may have been here previously.

I didn't see my name in the obits, so I decided to get out of bed

The number 39 looms larger in my mind every day. And there are only !8! days left.
THIRTY.NINE.
Probably it's because if you do the math correctly and don't cheat, that's only one year away from
FORTY
Forty
Forty
Forty.

See how it echoes?

Somebody just shoot me now.
Well, okay, maybe not exactly now.
You can wait until just after the party.

You are giving me a birthday party, are you not?
I promise, I'll act surprised.

---

I so often want to take the high road...but I can only manage to climb as far as my high horse.

Brain Soup. Hungry?

Nearly everyone thinks that they have a great sense of humor...but a lot of them are just fooling themselves.

---

My sense of humor is often so bizarre that even I don't get it.

---

and now for something completely different...

Did you ever go waaay back and read your first ever post? Or the ones from two years ago? Last year?
And you don't even recognize your own words or writing style?

Or is that just me?

Sometimes I think hey, that was bloody clever/funny/brilliant!...
but usually just think hey, what a pantload of crap.

---

Yesterday I discovered that the Hot Fudge Oreo shake from The Crack House is--just as I suspected--not hot at all.
But it is incredibly delicious.
Be jealous.

---

and now for something completely different.

Sometimes I get a little sad when I stop to wonder how much longer I have until...

she decides she's "too old" to hold my hand in public...
she doesn't need me to come in and kiss her goodnight...
she gets embarrassed to kiss me and say "Love you, Ma" in front of her friends...
she starts shutting her bedroom door and shutting me out...
she doesn't want to tell me about her day...
she forgets to give me the lookback/wave/kiss-blow as I watch her walk down the street on her way to school...
I have to let go...

If I could save time in a bottle...

From this morning's Drudge Report

READ THE WHOLE STORY about "A Call for Manners in the World of Nasty Blogs".

Basically it seems to boil down to this: some people think that deleting ugly/rude/nasty comments left by 'trolls' smacks of denying the right to free speech.
Other bloggers think that a code of conduct is in order.

"Bloggers could then pick a set of principles and post the corresponding badge on their page, to indicate to readers what kind of behavior and dialogue they will engage in and tolerate. The whole system would be voluntary, relying on the community to police itself."

What do I think? I think those "prominent" bloggers that the article speaks of would get hate-mail either way.
People are jealous of others' successes (I'm often jealous, so I know), and will try to torment them.
Do I need a "badge" to advertise what I'll put up with and what I won't?
No, you'll find out quick enough if you cross a line with me.

And what about those bloggers (I know that you've run across them from time to time as well!) who think that ANY comment/remark that is in disagreement with their own opinion is a "troll" comment?
I've left comments that weren't particularly..."nice", I guess...but they weren't trollish either. Just my take on what the person had to say. TWICE one of my LiveJournal friends has taken down a post because she didn't like my comment--and frankly, she's not the only one who's done that. Then she re-posted the entry later...sans my comment. She doesn't particularly like comments that don't feed her ego. Hey, that's her right...even though it made me feel like a troll. My solution is/was to stay away from her blog.

So far *knock wood* *taptaptap*, the only comments I've deleted are the ones offering me Viagra or Cialis...but if I want to delete something, I will--whether or not it's right or wrong. I don't see any need to discuss that with you first.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Blogs are like titty bars. If you don't like what they've got on display, don't go there.

Seems pretty simple to me.

Your opinions? What do you think--do we bloggers need a "Code Of Conduct"? And if it's instituted, do you think it will actually be respected or do any good?

I hope your Piggy Banks are filling up!

Just a reminder that BLOGATHON 2007 is only a couple-three months away!
I want to make sure that you've been saving your pennies...and if you haven't, you can start now.
Here's what I do: I keep a coffee can on the dining room table, and every evening before bed I put in all the change that has accumulated in my pockets and purse throughout the day.
I encourage you to do the same.
Most likely I will be blogging for United Cerebral Palsy again, since--as you may be aware--that's what my son's got. CP, that is.

Now, as to the bribes for this year...

Okay, you remember all the silly songs I did last year?
Well, since I do so enjoy making an utter fool of myself entertaining you, and since I am so damn good at it (making a fool of myself, that is)...here's my offer:

When I raise $500, I will sing another White Girl Rap.

If When I make it to $1000, I will sing three songs that will be chosen for me by those who have donated. You'll have to talk amongst yourselves to come up with three that you can agree on.

If we go all the way to $2000...........I will sing all the songs from the movie GREASE.

And should by some miracle I manage to raise $3500, I will sing, just for you, all the songs from The Sound Of Music.

I think that's a fair offer, don't you?
Just something to think about.

---

Click here to get your own player.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

I LOVE the Subway commercial where the lady in the drive-thru says, "Instead of blubber, can I get some thunder thighs and a badonkadonk butt?"

There's something about the words 'badonkadonk butt' that makes me laugh every time.
Probably it's because I have one.

---

Sometimes I do the Prince-in-Purple-Rain thingy and talk to myself in the mirror...only I have to use a sock puppet because I don't have one of those groovy pop-up deals.
Okay, it isn't really a sock puppet.
It's just a sock. But still.
Mostly I just say, "What is wrong with you??!??"
Mirror-Me usually just shrugs and says, "Hell if I know."

---

Stop looking at me like that.

---

Remember when you were young and you first got contact lenses?
You'd carefully scrub your hands and dry them on a lint-free towel, make sure you had removed any eye makeup (especially the boys)(haha! just kidding, boys!)(well, mostly), and then handle the lenses as gently as plutonium...

Now here it is 20 or so years later & if we get something under our contact in the middle of lunch, we can yank that sucker out & dunk it in our glass of ice water--or pop it in the mouth for a quick spit shine--and have it back in the eye in seconds, all without so much as smearing our eyeliner.

That's the sort of talent that can only come with age.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Ain't you sweet?

I would like to thank the poor, misguided souls wonderfully fabulous friends who made this possible:


P.S. Voting is open until April 13! My friend Miss Cellania is nominated for funniest blog--and she is! Also be sure to check out my pal Nat from MINI-OBS for best music blog. And if you're looking for a very funny (and a little dirty!) podcast, GOLFWIDOW & ANDY is the one to hear!

Big gaggy tongue kisses to each of you.

---

Would you believe that after several days of 75-80º weather, we're currently under a FROST warning?
O Spring, why have you flown??

---

In the interest of inside jokes, I'd just like to say:

CATFISH!
and
JUNE BUG BOY
and
OUT OF THE BLUE...
and
ShitCake Mushrooms

Don't you wish you had an inside joke with me too?
Because then you'd be laughing your ass off right now.

OH, I almost forgot:
Dear Captain Kangaroo,
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Kirk out.

---

I'm frightened.
In 15 short days, I will be 39 years old.
Hold me.

Brain Soup Du Tuesday

Stolen kisses are frequently the ones that taste the most delicious.

---

Actually, that's just a theory--I have no working knowledge of the situation.
Or if I do, I can't remember it.
And sometimes I just like to follow a fine family tradition and make shit up.

---

Whenever I type the brand name Versace (which is often in my line of work), I hear Elizabeth Berkely's voice from The Worst Movie Ever saying, "It's a Versaaaysse."

---

Speaking of The Worst Movie Ever...
When I was in the hotel business, many of my colleagues/good friends were gay men. Every time I attended a party at one of their houses, I knew they were going to force me to sit through that movie. And dance a little bit as payment for my drinks
It was the precursor to the pr0n, you know.
Which I sat through willingly.

---

Speaking of pr0n...
There was this one particular movie we watched at one of those parties (oh seriously, it wasn't an orgy or anything, we watched the movies and made fun of the "dialogue")(and so what if I admired the nude male form)(it was all for art's sake!) and there was this really cheesy scene which involved a pantsless lumberjack-y guy, a donut, a cup of coffee...well, suffice it to say that THAT particular scene made me laugh hysterically every time I thought about it for months afterward.
Hell, it made me laugh just now. O! The Cinema!

---

Hey, don't act like you never watched the pr0n.

---

Dear Me,

You know, if you weren't so abrupt with people and--let's face it--a rude assclown half the time...and if you didn't treat some of your friends like shit for no apparent reason, you probably wouldn't have to spend so much time apologizing.
Is all I'm saying.
Think about it.

Love,
Monty

---

Dear Liar,

I smell smoke. Could it be because your pants are on fire?
Is all I'm wondering.

Love,
Monty

Blue Monday

HEY! Voting is finally up for The Best of Blogs (BoB Awards)!
I'm very happy to see that some of the names I submitted for nomination made the list.
Now Go. Read all the blogs. VOTE ONCE A DAY.

---

Okay, I'd REALLY love to know how my formerly straight-haired son suddenly grew this corkscrewy Greg Brady white boy 'fro.




Can hormones & puberty curl your hair like that?

---

That is all.
Have a...Monday.