Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Hidden Treasures.

I found a dollar in the pocket of a skirt I was listing today.
That was cool.

I also found a used (and quite vintage) handkerchief in the pocket of a circa 1950s jacket I listed today.
That was not cool.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

So then I go...

Things I'm thankful for today:
Fellow bloggers
Good friends
Fellow bloggers who are also good friends
Frozen Snickers bars


Anything you want to know?
Any burning questions?

We've played this before...but some of you weren't here then.

I'll even tell the truth.
Most probably.
(oh, your question will be published...)

Crap, I had something to put here, and I just now forgot it.

If I were a song, what do you think it would be called?
And what genre?

What about you?

Can you tell I gots nothin' today?

Maybe it's just the fat girl in me talking...but
size "0" in clothing should not be allowed.
It doesn't even sound like a real size.
Is all I'm sayin'.

That is all (too much of nothing, really).
Have a day.

Monday, May 29, 2006

In Which I Say Thank You

"Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good..."
~~Julie Andrews & Christopher Plummer, The Sound Of Music

So...thanks so much know.
Quite frankly I often wonder what I did to deserve you.
And I mean that in the good way.

I was wondering...
How is it that when I'm at my friends' house, they get to control the remote...and when they come to my house, they still get to control the remote?
This confuses me every.single.time.

OH! Quick book review.
Ever since I saw the movie The General's Daughter, I've been a huge fan of Nelson DeMille.
I love that guy.

So I've just immersed myself in this:

...and the main character, John Sutter, could actually be a member of my family.
The book is written in such a...conversational tone.
With high doses of sarcasm.
The funniest thing is that some of the remarks John Sutter made could have come straight from my mouth.

In fact I read a particular line that I actually thought I made up, even though I've only had occasion to use it perhaps three or four times...

Someone: "I can't join you; I'm having people for dinner tonight."
ME: "Oh? You must give me the recipe!"

I read that in the book. Perhaps not word for word, but close enough.

How can this be? Dammit.
I'm guessing that most of the little things I say have already been said.
Are there no original ideas left????

But read it's good.

Do you have auto-responses?
You know, the ones that pop out before you can catch them...

Someone: "To make a long story short..."
ME: "Too late!"
(sometimes this is followed by a horrified look, because I couldn't stop it before it leaked out)

Someone: "Go to hell!"
ME: "I did, but your mom said you weren't home."

Aaaaand, the one mentioned above, about the recipe.
Please tell me I'm not the only one.

P.S. I ♥ you. Pass it on.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

In Which I Send You Down Under

Please do me a favor and go wish my dear friend PETER a happy birthday!
He's an old geezer He turns 70 today! I love Peter~~he makes me laugh with his jokes, and he writes lovely poetry.
Go on, tell him happy birthday.
Only don't jump out and yell surprise, because we don't want him to keel over. :)

Love to you, Peter.
I hope you have 70 more that we can share with you.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Trigger ain't just a horse

I never know what the trigger will be.
Sometimes it is the easy familiarity of a couple sitting comfortably in silence.
Sometimes it is a brief, absentminded kiss for no apparent reason except, perhaps, to feel grounded.
It can be the way he orders for her without asking.
It can be the way she casually brushes lint from the front of his shirt, and his smile of thanks.
It can be the glow in two pairs of eyes as they see each other.

I never know, therefore I cannot prepare for the onslaught.

Sometimes~rarely, thankfully~it swamps me, overwhelms me, engulfs me...I am paralyzed, held captive in its debilitating embrace.

I yearn.
I want.
I cry.

I have done more than my fair share of whining lately; for that, I apologize. It isn't fun for any of us.

But when Loneliness comes to call, I find that I must indulge it so that its visit will be brief and...not too damaging.
Loneliness is not a neat or thoughtful houseguest.

Forgive me, I can't come out to play today.

That is all.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

In Which There Is A Bazillion Pictures

but first...
Thanks to the delightfully devilish Webkittyn for dedicating a song to me on her radio show last night.
Oh, the song? "Evil Woman".
I love the Kittyn. She knows me so well.

Now, today's post idea was stolen straight from the delicious and brilliant GRINS. You should visit her. She cracks my ass sideways.
It is a pictorial review of...
A Day In The Life Of Monty

I chose a workday because as boring as that is, it is still better than my weekends. That would be a quick review, with a picture of the television and a picture of the computer.

Come spend the day with me, won't you?

Oh dear. It is early, isn't it?
I hope I didn't scare you.
I call this stage "Incoherence"...

...if you try to talk to me during this phase, you will most likely be answered with animal-like grunts and perhaps a violent shove as I make my way to the
Prime Objective...

Aaaah, much better. Now I can speak.
Okay, time to get everyone ready.
Child #1 off to school...The Walker.
We've caught her in the lookback/kiss-blow/wave maneuver:

That little boy in yellow? The one who rode her double on his bike. *sigh*

Now Child #2 hits the bus. He does not look happy:

OH. I suppose I should introduce you to one of my pets, Sammy The Squirrel.
He lives in my side yard.
I think he may be feeling a little under the weather, because he hasn't been very active lately.
Wave to the people, Sammy!

Do you think I should take him to the vet?
Oh well.
Did you know that in the whole of Midwest City, there's no STARBUCKS??
So I stop in the mornings at my local Pseudo-Starbucks, right around the corner from my house, for my Triple Shot Venti Mocha Latte.
It's called "The Underground"

They have free WiFi, so sometimes I take my computer in and sit for an hour or two on my day off...

Be a lot easier on me if I had a laptop.
Toting that tower around gets heavy.
Anyway. Off to the job. Here's a main reason I don't mind the 30 minute commute to work every day~even at 8:30 am, no traffic!

Here's a college campus I pass twice a day, and I always wave and shout "HI AMANDA!!, because she works there:

One of my favorite parts of the drive to work is going around the lake..isn't it pretty? I do love this area:

Time for work now! Here we are.
This is the sight that greets me every morning when I open the door:

Good thing I'm not claustrophobic. Want a little tour?
Okay, this next room is where we
make Jaime Gumb Brand Suits O'Flesh
take pictures of the beautiful(?) clothes:

"It puts the lotion on its skin..."

How did that get in there? Creepy.
So, here are my underlings

I am the boss of them.
But those bad girls don't always mind me, especially when I tell them to do stuff like Go get me a mocha frappuccino. Dammit.
Now, here is the place where I will spend my day, from 9am to 7pm...

Gee, how interesting is that? Wow. I rock.
If I lean a little to my right, this is the view out my window (and one of the 1,000 Reasons I Love My Job):

I like to take a little break now & then to sit on the grass and watch the water lap the shoreline. You know how after awhile it feels like you're the one moving?
Yeah, that's cool.

Whew, it's been a long day, hasn't it? Time to head for home.
Here's our big 'downtown' area...actually it's sort of pretty when the light hits it just right:

I didn't say that now was one of those times.
Almost home now!
OH! Here's the place just around the corner, where I plan to take MommaK for dinner whenever she decides to visit me...
Rib Crib:

AAAaahhh, finally home again, home again, jiggety jig:

And my tired old eyes are refreshed when I see this beautiful sight riding toward me:

See, I usually get home from work at about 7:45-ish, so I don't cook dinner on work days. We eat out at a local restaurant which, fortuitously, is within walking distance. Right next door, in fact!
It is called The House Of My Mom, although the little people in my neighborhood refer to it as Grandma's House:

It even has outdoor seating for those lovely summer nights.
Always the best in homestyle food, I can tell you.
It is so very homestyle, in fact, that I have to fix my own plate:

mmmmm...homemade taco salad. Delish.
I really should start tipping, although I do wash my dishes sometimes.
Next, a little conversation with the proprietress of The House Of My Mom, who declined to have her photo taken. A little TV, then a half-hour or so on this thing:

I'd show you my real one that resides in my bedroom, but then you'd see how messy my room is...with the piles of shoes, the stacks and boxes of books, the thick layer of dust on the TV...
Believe me when I say you're better off not knowing.

*yaaaaawn* It's been a long day, hasn't it? I'm tired.
And we've come full circle, as I crawl into bed for a nice snooze so that I can begin it all over again tomorrow.

Say, thanks for spending the day with me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


Come on people, the evil (but extremely cute) WEBKITTYN is taking the lead over at GENUINE'S place...
Are you going to let her readers out-do you???
Surely not.

Go see Genuine. Leave a comment. Add "Monty sent me. Be Proud, Be Shitty!"
Cake & pie, people.
Thank you.

I belched really long and loud this morning...then I was sad that no one was around to appreciate it.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

We don't need no steeenking ideas!

but first...
Please GO VISIT GENUINE and leave a comment ending with
Monty sent me. Be Proud, Be Shitty!
He loves the attention. I promise.
Thank you!

and then...
I'm so excited that JULES will be joining me for the BRAD & COLIN show next month.
We're gonna have us a time.
Yes we are.

our top story...

****Disclaimer: There is no knocking or mocking intended with regard to the following activities~simply a handy-dandy list of things to do when you're stuck.
Thank you,
The Management

So, here's what I've come across in the last week:

Click & Comment Monday
Two-For Tuesday (or) Tell It Tuesday
Weigh In (or) Wordless Wednesday
Half-Nekkid Thursday (or) Thursday Thirteen
Stuff Portrait Friday
Saturday Photo Scavenger Hunt

Throw in a Sunday Meme and who needs to blog anymore?

This is really the only one I like to participate in...

...brain-child of my most wonderful landlady, The Rock Bitch.
I'm hoping that I'll be able to play this Friday...
...which will support Hangover Saturday in the House Of Monty.

That is all.
Have a day.

Monday, May 22, 2006


Tomorrow is the Last Day Of School.

How the hell did that happen already?!?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Sunday Stuff

Don't forget to visit Genuine and leave a comment, followed by "Monty sent me. Be Proud, Be Shitty!"
Thank you.

Clickie clickie. Let's try a cuppa together, shall we? Meg, my fellow triple-shotter, you in?

I got my MixMania! CD yesterday~~it is TEEEEEriffic!
I actually have a pretty good idea who authored this fab mix, and IF perchance I am correct then I know that person will see this mini-review.
Am I allowed to say who I think it is?

The final 22 second track of Mix#1 was an inspired choice and I immediately recognized it. :)
And many of the tracks from Mix#2 in particular are personal favorites of mine.

Thank you for making my first time so special. *wink* You know how I love you.

It amuses me that people who take such pleasure in being such...bullies...who spend their days being nasty and rude to everyone else (in the name of *fun*) can get so bent out of shape over innocent remarks made in jest when they are the subject.
Talk about poster children for arrested development.
I so outgrew the whole emo/teenage angsty thing years ago.
I'm bored with it.

Pity that so many adults never figure out how to get past that.

Is all I'm sayin'.

That is all.
Have a day.

It's all DOWN TO YOU. Fo' reals.


Time for the next task!
Not to worry~it's completely easy...and completely in your hands.
Scared? ;)

Because I will totally blame you if I lose and get kicked off the SBC Survivor Island.

I need your help...and here's all that you have to do.

Go visit GENUINE (I know for a fact that many of you are regulars there anyways).
Leave GENUINE a comment.
End that comment with these words:
Monty sent me. Be Proud, Be Shitty!

or if you prefer...

Monty sent me. Be Proud, Be Sh*tty!

Either way will work, I think. Please visit Genuine every day (at least until this coming Thursday) and leave a comment ending with the phrase above.

Compliance will surely earn you a spot on the yacht when I eventually win the Lottery.

Is there anyone else who is a huuuuuge fan of Whose Line Is It Anyway (v.Drew Carey)?
Because I am.

AAAAAND I'm getting tickets to see my pretend boyfriend Brad Sherwood and Colin Mochrie next month (June 17th, I think).

Gee, I wonder who would like to go with me...???

I'm not even kidding, I'm so pathetic I don't want to go by myself....

Friday, May 19, 2006

Get out. Stay out.

Dear Lauren and/or Casse,
STOP SNOOPING AROUND. Um, seriously, I can see that you spent 35 minutes here today WHILE YOU WERE ON THE CLOCK.
I'm totally docking your pay.
Go away, because chances are that I will be talking about you at some point and then you'll get your little feelings hurt & stuff.
Don't say you weren't warned.
Duh, I've got the IP address. I work there too.
And stay the hell off my computer, you know I don't like people messing with my stuff when I'm not there.
Thank you.
Buh bye.

on a happier note...
I got to have lunch (mmmmmmm...Chinese food!) with the lovely Rose today. We chattered like magpies for two hours and I must say she is a delight!
If you don't read her blog, you should. She makes me laugh.
Thanks, Rose! It was ever so much fun! I look forward to the next time. :)

I think I say this every time I get a chance to meet one of my online friends, but hey, it's still true:
"The nice thing about meeting other bloggers is that there is always someone something to talk about. Always."

I have so much that I want to is logjammed in my mind.
It is so tightly packed that I can't even get in there to sort out what is appropriate to post and what should be kept to myself.

So I stole this MEME from one of my all time favoritest funniest ladies, Golfwidow, in hopes that it would help me unjam.
(perhaps you can tell by her "Ministry Of Silly Walks" why I adore her)

List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.
Don't say who they are, don't confirm or deny any 'comment speculation', and use people only once.

(no exceptions, so please don't ask)

1. I could say "Thank You" one hundred times a day for the rest of my life and still not adequately convey the gratitude I feel for you.

2. My admiration for your amazing talent and brilliance is so immense that it even squeezes out the envy.

3. You play the martyr so often and so well that it has become the norm. And seriously, if you look up "vanity" in the dictionary, you'll see one of the 7 bazillion pictures a picture of yourself.

4. We get it. You're super. You're the smartest of everyone. Can we move on now? (and P.S. you're not as cool as you think you are. I mean it.)

5. I'm tired of redrawing the boundaries of friendship; perhaps you should learn to watch where you step.

6. I don't love you anymore.

7. I am humbled by your faith and trust in me. I am relieved at your patience with me. I am puzzled at your love for me. Don't be blinded by me.

8. You always know the right thing to say at just the right time~~for that and so much more I love you.

9. Stop that freaking whining. Not everything is about you. Not even half of everything. Get over yourself.

10. YOU are the reason someone wrote this line: "Of course you have a sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do, even people who don't." (Barney Coopersmith, My Blue Heaven)

This was actually more difficult for me than I had originally supposed...some of the remarks I wanted to make were so pointed that their subjects seemed glaringly obvious.
Then I remembered that some people are so self-UNaware that I could've used their initials in the post and they still wouldn't get it.

And then I remembered that some people (like me, for instance) are so paranoid that they will worry that most of the remarks are directed at them.

And then I remembered that I have just enough of a mean streak to be amused at the thought of who would try to attribute which remarks to themselves.
Please forgive me for that, I've a touch of schadenfreude today.
Stand back, it may be contagious.

That is all.
Have a day.
(**I should add that some of the remarks are directed at "real life" friends & family)

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Love thy neighbor. Yeah. Whatev.

but first...
The Blogger Formerly Known As THE ROCK BITCH is kindly allowing me to rent space on her blog this week. Please go say hello.

and then...
MONDAY: Sent MixMania! CD, right on time.

TUESDAY: Sent SBC SURVIVOR song, right on time. Sort of.
OH, and if you want to listen to all the songs that were submitted, be sure to TUNE IN HERE on THURSDAY, 9PM EST. See you there.

WEDNESDAY: Powerball=114 million.
Wish me luck.
If I win, we're all going on a cruise together.
And then VEGAS.
On me.

I'd like to find a man who truly understands my need for a triple shot venti mocha latte.

and finally...
New neighbors moved in a few weeks ago.
They're a little strange but hey, who isn't?

Except that they're really strange.
They've got ponies, which is cool because my daughter is learning to ride (and fall off, like yesterday, but I digress)(hahahaha)
And horses are AAAAAALLLL they know how to talk about.
And then some.
Okay, no problem, I can be nice polite.
BUT OH MY DAMN they're annoying.
Like, the kids come over...
Girl: "Can Becca come out?"
ME: "No, she's out of town with her grandparents. She'll be back in a few hours."
Girl: "oh. Because we wanted her to come out, I'm really bored and my mom wants us out of the house right now."
ME: "Sorry. I'll be sure to send Becca out when she gets home. In a few hours."

a half hour later...
Girl: "Is she back yet?"
ME: "No, I told you it would be a few hours. I'll send her over when she gets home. Promise."
Girl: "I'm so bored..."

And so on and so forth every hour or so.

Coincidentally, it turns out that the very night my gate was left open and my doggies escaped that family was IN.MY.BACKYARD.
While I wasn't home.
The mom said Oh, yeah, she was in my backyard trying to rescue a cat (sadly, my dogs were serial cat killers~but that's another story)(cat people, don't eat me. I can't help it that they came willingly into my backyard where two large dogs lived. I put up warning signs for the cats. I love kitties too)

But oh no, she came in the other gate, not the one that was left open.

Really now?
Isn't that funny. Ha. Can't you hear me laughing?
So, why would you come on my property when I wasn't even home?
What if one of my dogs (for the first time ever) would have bitten you?

AND to top it all off...
The youngest daughter is 5 years old and doesn't speak in complete sentences (no kidding). This...this feral child has been caught several times not only plucking up all my mom's flowers, but peeing in the bushes next to my mom's house.
Yesterday? She took a dump in my mom's flower bed.

What the fuck?

No more Ms. Nice Neighbor.

On a lighter note, I am working on a little project.
You'll see.

That is all.
Have a day.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Book Of Sighs

Who wants to give me an attitude adjustment?
Everything I want to say is mean and critical.

Step up and get your autographed copies of
"How To Lose Friends And Alienate People"
I've got extras.

The girl who brought our lunches back today ate mine without even noticing.

I'd set mine aside for a bit because I was waiting until I got to a stopping place... didn't seem to matter that we got something totally different.

Friends and family alike should really take note...
If you poke at me with a stick long enough, eventually I'm going to take a bite of you.
With relish.
Is all I'm sayin'.

And another random sampling from the inbox...


Oh for crap's sake.

Quote Of The Day:
"Parents who do not have Internet should have their children taken away." ~~Peggy Hill

That is all.
Have a day.

Saturday, May 13, 2006


Dear Mr. Kotter,
Please excuse Epstein Monty from blogging this weekend as she has to finish her SBC SURVIVOR Task AND finish up her MixMania! CD.
My Mother

To all you beautiful, talented, wonderful mommies that I love so dearly:

a final thought...

I notice weird stuff...and I noticed that some blogs' regular commenters are almost exclusively women.
Some, like this one, have a fairly even boy/girl mix.

I don't think I've ever run across a blog whose commenters are all (or mostly) men.

Does it mean that women are (finally) taking over the world? (hooooAH!)
(or maybe we just like to chatter)

What about your commenters?
Mostly women, mostly men, or a nice wholesome mix?

**Addendum: After receiving a couple emails regarding the digressionary (no, I don't know if that's a real word or not) portion of yesterday's post, I feel I should clarify.

The only reason I mentioned it is because it struck me as amusing...sort of like a verbal tic in written form.
I never noticed it until I tried to read two week's worth of posts all at once on the blogs I was visiting. Then it stood out.

I never said there was anything wrong with using the phrase "but I digress".

I thought it was funny that I read it so often, but I don't recollect ever hearing it spoken during any conversation I've ever had.

Please smooth out the wad that your panties have gotten into.

Thank you.
That is all.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Friday Flashback

but first...

I never realized how many people consistently use "But I digress" until I try to cram all my blogreading into two days.

I swear I've already read that phrase 37 times today. And it's only 10AM.

and then...

Do you have any idea how much I love Friday mornings?
It's like a...big bowl of nothingness that I dive into with relish.

I work 10 hour days Monday-Thursday so I can have my deliciously delightful Friday-morning-nothings.

The kids are at school. Yeah.

I may go to the Thrift Store.
I may go to WalMart The Evil Empire.
I may go to the used book store.
I need to go to the grocery store...but I may put it off until tomorrow morning.
I may take a nap.
The choices are endless! It's quite liberating.
The only thing I can say with any certainty is that I will be going to Sonic for my Friday morning bacon-egg-cheese toaster sandwich and big ass coke. Although sometimes I go wild and get a SuperSonic Breakfast Burrito instead(made super-dee-dooper yummilicious with tomatoes, onions, tater tots, and jalapenos).
I always keep my date with Sonic.

and finally...

As Mother's Day quickly approaches (and yes, I'm completely UNPREPARED and I have TWO mothers to pay homage to), I dug into my archives so that I could present you with

The Top Five Reasons why I will not be receiving the "Mother Of The Year" award...

5. My daughter's favorite CD is David Cassidy & The Partridge Family.
Shut up, it was a gift. Yeah. Yeah, a gift. I didn't buy it...mmm mmm, no sirree Bob.

4. I have taught my daughter the words to the song "Leprosy". You know, the one sung to the tune of "Yesterday". And also The Lumberjack Song from Monty Python.

3. I have also recently been teaching my daughter to play Texas Hold 'Em and Blackjack. I feel these are basic, useful skills that every 11 year old needs.
Plus she might want to be a professional gambler someday. You never know.

2. I allow her to play Hoyle Casino which is installed on my computer, even tho' she persists in calling it "Holy Casino". Hey, she made more than 3K yesterday playin' the ponies.

1. Last weekend I tried to coerce my daughter into tasting a dog treat.

She fooled me.

She took a bite.

Man, I love that kid. :)

That is all.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Boy Talk

Boys, did you know I have the power to potentially cure your allergies??
Just ask my pretend boyfriend MIKEY. Then come back here and pucker up.
Yeah, baby.
I always knew that certain talents of mine would eventually come in handy.

Reason #87 Why Monty Doesn't Have A Boyfriend

A random sampling of what I have to choose from. This guy is 39 and evidently has never heard of spell check:

"hello my name is *CENSORED*
I like to know more about you
i have twins two there 8 *CENSORED* an *CENSORED* is 7
my odd ball daddys gril for sure. i'v not ben doing the hole dating thing for some time now 3 yrs i think just me an kids they are moving in with there mom on the 27th for a while so i can get some things done i'v ben wanting to do bulid me a house im not looking for a 2 or 3 mo thing im looking for a soul mate someone to spend my life with. spoil/love/care for
most of my time will be spent on fixing this land the way i want it but will make dam sure the one im with will not be lonley
if u like to know more just let me know be good.........*censored*"

Well, I'm just happy to know that I wouldn't be lonley.

And could someone please tell me what the hole dating thing is?

Never mind. On second thought, I don't want to know...*shudder*

A Helpful Hint:

Gentlemen, when a lady says "I'm not ready to take that step with you just yet"
it does NOT mean
"Just kidding! I'm playing hard to get!"
it does NOT mean
"Please keep trying to get in my pants!"

NO means NO.
I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT means...well, it's pretty self-explanatory. You'd think.

Feel free to write that down.

That is all.
Have a day.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A little help here...THE NEXT TASK.

but first...

Break out the booze for THE DRINKING GAME, because severe weather is on the way today!

When I went outside this morning (fighting my way through the thick, swamp-humid air), I cleaned my glasses several times before I realized that it was the air that was hazy; it was like looking through gauze and everything was a little bit blurry.



For the next task I must write a song and sing it (or have someone sing it for me...Sudie? Deni? Megan? MommaK? Raehan? I know you all have gorgeous voices) regarding the Shitty Blog Club Survivor.

I need your creative input~together we can build a beautiful song.

Help a girl out.
Fo' reals yo'.
I need you.

***Edit: People who live in tight-assed judgmental worlds shouldn't throw around words like "idiotic".
If you don't want God in our country, that's fine...but don't call someone 'idiotic' because they do.
If you don't want to own a gun, that's fine...but don't call someone 'idiotic' because they do.
Fuck off.

Is all I'm sayin'.

See, this is why I don't really like people.

That is all.

Monday, May 08, 2006

From The Pulpit.

but first...

Do you suppose the dairy folks would consider putting these faces on a milk carton?
*heavy sigh*

No sign of 'em.
I'm telling myself that a nice young family has taken them in.
Or maybe they ran off to join the circus.

Okay, I meant to post this yesterday but I spent the day illegally downloading music I mean I'm incredibly lazy I got busy doing stuff.

I've been reading the The Da Vinci Code, and coincidentally I watched a program the other night called "Breaking The Da Vinci Code".

Man, the derision in their voices whenever those 'experts' said the name Dan Brown made me feel a little sorry for the guy.

I didn't want to talk about that, necessarily.

(*******As far as I know, that book is a work of fiction. It only made me think of some "WHAT IFs")

I know next to nothing about most religions, so if I seem ignorant it's only because I am.
And I'm not mocking your religion, I sincerely have questions.

I've read that nuns wear a wedding band and profess themselves "Brides of Christ".

And then yesterday at church, some of our (Methodist) women went to a retreat and one of the speakers told the ladies that we are all "Brides of Christ".

See, I'm terribly uncomfortable with that notion.
Are we equal to Jesus Christ, that we could be his brides?
(yes, I'm aware of the symbolism, but go with me here).

Has bride been given some other meaning that I'm not aware of?
And don't get me started on the polygamy issues that this raises in my mind.
(again, I know they don't mean literally, but still)

And then I'm reading the book, and it puts forth the notion that Mary Magdalene was in fact not a prostitute, but Jesus' WIFE!

Now, I know I'm stupid about this...but so what if Jesus did have a wife?
Son of God AND son of man, remember?
God doesn't mind if we get married.

And if nuns (and apparently Methodist women) can call themselves "Brides Of Christ", why would it be so scandalous if Jesus had a real wife?

Is all I'm wondering.

If someone wants to explain the ramifications to me, I'm all ears (eyes).

That is all.
Have a day.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Better to be pissed off...

...than pissed on. I'm guessing.

but first...

Do you suppose this means I'm finally going to get probed?

Don't you hate it when you get a nice big head of steam worked up, write up a draft, and then one (or more) of your good blogfriends posts the exact same topic--only they take the extreme opposite side?

That's happened to me like three times in the last month.
I'm guessing it is some sort of sign and I should be grateful that the posts remain in draft form.

See, I write my posts in bits and pieces...I love WordPad. I'll set down thoughts as I get them, maybe even over a week or two, and eventually draft it when I'm ready to put it all together.

I've probably got 10 or 12 drafts at any given time. Many of them never see the light of day.

I have a couple of semi-ranting posts that have been patiently awaiting their turn, and now I can't post them because it will seem as though I'm blatantly pointing a big fat finger in a certain direction (or two)(or three), even though it isn't really meant to be that way.

Timing...a-tick a-tick a-tick a-tick...TIMING...a-tock a-tock a-tock a-tock...

It's funny how we all seem to go in cycles, sort of like women who live together get on the same menstrual cycle. Bloggers who 'hang out' together sometimes get on blogging cycles. We have the same sort of ideas at the same time.

Now my posts will never see the light of day (okay, so they probably weren't all that great to begin with) because there are those amongst you whose feelings I wouldn't hurt for a million dollars.

Two million, maybe. But not one.

I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself that I didn't put mine out there first, so that you would seem like the finger-pointing copy-cat.
And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Tales From The Dark Side...

I'll tell you a secret.
As a single parent, one of my biggest fears is that I'll die at home and my daughter will suffer the trauma of actually having to find me.

Now that thought does keep me awake at night.
I actually pray that when God decides to call me home, it won't be from my home.
I want to die at work or at the grocery store or something, so I can traumatize grownups. :)

Is all I'm saying.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Potty Mouth

Shizznit? Pizzoop?

I've often wondered who was on the committee that decided "SHIT" was a swear word and "POOP" was more...socially acceptable.

Both words get used as expletives; I'm as likely to say "OH POOP!" or the more advanced "CACA POOPIE DOOPIE!" when I'm really angry as well as "SHIT" or "SHIT A BRICK!".

So, which is worse?

You can be in deep shit or deep poop~~I'm pretty sure it's about the same depth.

You can get your shit together...although I'm not completely certain as to why you'd want to.

See, here's where it starts to get confusing.

You don't want to get the shits, and you may not take any shit, but you do want to take a poop.
And then I might tell you not to give me any shit.
But I don't think I'd say don't give me any poop.
Even though I don't want either of those from you.
Because I don't give a shit either.

But if someone thinks they're hot shit, it conjures up a completely different picture than hot poop, which to my recollection I've never heard.

I've been called the shit, but thankfully I've never been called the poop.
Being "The Shit" sounds cool...being "The Poop" sounds like something you should go scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

Having shit for brains means you're stupid, and you don't want to be called either a shit-head OR a poop-head, although poopie-head rears it's ugly head on the playground more often than not.

Most people know that getting shit-faced means you've over-imbibed...but if I said I got poop-faced, well, that just sounds like I need a good wash-up.

They say shit floats, so I guess that's why it's so bad to be up shit creek without a paddle.
I'm not sticking my hand in that.

If you get too arrogant you might be called King Shit of Turd Hill, but everyone knows that shit rolls downhill.

Either way, you're in the crapper.

I shit you not.

The President hisself (yes, I know I said hisself. It was on purpose. And I don't know why I felt it necessary to explain that to you) is speaking at OSU Commencement this Saturday.

Man, we totally got ripped off at my graduation...we only had Frosty Troy.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Speechless...which is a rarity.

The remarkable and lovely RAEHAN has singled me out for this month's

for this particular post.

I can't tell you how touched I am to be given this award; in fact, I told MommaK last week that I would be unable to give out an award this month because I haven't had time to even read what you all have to say lately (and I do apologize for that)
(**to whoever hit the FAST FORWARD on my life, would you please take your finger off the button so I can resume normal play? Thanks ever so.).

Thanks Raehan, I am moved beyond words, completely flattered, and utterly humbled.

Whilst watching Peter Pan this weekend with my kids, I was reminded why I never liked that little bitch Tinkerbell (although I do love THIS Tink).

Her vile villainy is as bad as Captain Hook's; worse, because she betrayed Peter.
She's the epitome of every ex-wife and/or girlfriend that I have suffered for, because she done him wrong.

I will never clap to keep her alive, I can tell you.

OH, and I have to tell you about my lovely Friday. I got to have lunch with the effervescent AMANDA!
We went for some yummy Mexican food at El Chico, and while I can't speak for her I can tell you that I had a fabulous time.
She's much like me~an interrupter.
Which is great because I know she won't get annoyed when I interrupt her, and she knows I won't get annoyed when she interrupts my interruption.
We chattered like magpies and giggled and naturally talked about you.

Which is the nice thing when bloggers meet~they never lack for someone something to talk about.

Thanks Amanda! It was fun!