Thursday, April 27, 2006

Games people play

but first....
No news on the doggie front. *sigh*
At least I haven't seen them IN the road, if you know what I mean.

I have a weird thing.

Okay, okay, I'm lying. I have a lot of weird things.
Like when I finish brushing my teeth I make this sort of growly noise into the towel when I'm drying my mouth, then I smack my lips, look in the mirror and say "AAAAHHH".

But right now I'm talking about a specific weird thing~Tornado Season.

I LOVE this season.
I also have a healthy fear of the wrath of Mother Nature, but still.

I LOVE looking into the black clouds of the distance that are made luminous by the sunshine that I'm standing in, sunshine that is a rich antique gold color.
I LOVE the contrast between the darkness in my rearview mirror and the sunny skies ahead when I'm driving away from a storm.
I can sit for HOURS mesmerized by the changing screens of the Doppler radar, hypnotized by the weatherman's voice, listening and watching and watching and listening.

There's something about the weathermen that make me feel safe and soothed...because they know JUST what is going to happen, JUST when and JUST where.
I love them with a deep and abiding passion.

I suddenly have a strong need to go hug a weather dude.

So, I stole this from Sleeping Mommy, and if you have ever lived in Oklahoma this game will make perfect sense to you.
Hell, if you've ever visited Oklahoma it will make perfect sense to you.

Have fun!

(I left SleepingMommy's comments in parentheses because they made me giggle)(and I strongly suggest that you stock the liquor cabinet or invest in a keg before starting the game)


*1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Castor.
(Monty sez: I choose Hank when I just want a little buzz. He doesn't get as much action)
(Val lives in Stillwater and Gary talks to him CONSTANTLY.)
Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser.
Take four drinks if your storm chaser says “tornado on the ground.”

2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County.
(Because we are always hearing about Pottawatomie County.)
Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county.
Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your county.

*One drink

*1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:
“Hook echo” | “Updraft” | “Metro” | “Doppler radar” | “Wall cloud” |”Ranger 9″ | “Underground” | “Mobile home”
2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list.
(Oklahoma has 77 counties but somehow they all get mentioned at some point.)
3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program.
Take one drink if Gary says “You’re not missing any of [program name].” (This is a major concern damnit!)
Take one drink when Gary says “We’ll keep you advised.” (Like we had any doubt that you wouldn’t.)

*Two drinks

*1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:
“Baseball-sized hail” | “Waterloo Road” | “Pottawatomie County” | “Deer Creek High School” (How many times has that high school been hit anyway?!?)
2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:
Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici |Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah (The only one that is even slightly big is Altus.)
3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Castor. (Now we are gonna get really drunk!)

*Three drinks

*1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Castor.
2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.
3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:
“Immediate tornado precautions” | “National Weather Service” | “Mesocyclone” | “Portable Radio” | “Take shelter” | “Tornado warning in effect until …”

*Four drinks

*1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel. (Notice it doesn’t say when it lands to take cover, we don’t land our aircraft in a tornado around here, we fly AROUND them.)
2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized by the NWS (He’s a renegade that way) or says the following:
“Will someone please answer that phone?” (He takes this stuff seriously damn it, answer the phone.) or “Do you see the power flashes?”
3. Take four drinks if a shirt-less tornado victim is interviewed. (Redneck land, yo. There is a reason I get dressed and put on shoes when a storm is in the vicinity.)

*Finish your drink

*1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary mentions the cross streets nearest to you.
2. If Gary says “We’ve lost Val,” pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink. (Poor Val…)

If THAT won't get you drunk, it can't be done.

That is all.
Have a day.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

To Change The Subject...

Shitty Blogs Survivor TASK #3 is here!


The task was this: Take a picture of yourself either nekkid or wearing 40 pieces of clothing.

Simple choice.
There's only one person who reads this thing who has actually seen me naked, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Until one of my pretend boyfriends starts putting out.

Any one of them.

So I went for the 40 pieces of clothing...

First of all, who knew I had so many tank tops?
And do you have any idea how hot and sweaty FORTY pieces of clothing are?
And finally, I do not actually weigh 473 lbs, even though it appears to be so.

To itemize for Jeckles:
7 pairs of panties
3 thongs
3 bras
8 tank tops
5 tee shirts
1 sweat pants
1 pair of thermal underwear bottoms
3 shorts
2 pairs socks
1 pair of shoes
1 skirt
1 flannel shirt
1 jacket
1 belt
1 bandana (complete with Russell Crowe's sweat)
1 straw hat

and now the weather report...
Yesterday's high temp: 92º
Today's high temp: 57º


No sign of my doggies yet.
Not at the pound.
Not anywhere I've searched.
I'm very sad.

And a little angry that they don't love us enough to come home.

Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts. :)

I'm hoping that I've created some good karma by always feeding every stray cat or dog that has crossed my path...and maybe it will be repaid by some nice family taking good care of my babies.

When I find the rat bastard who opened my back gate...
I weel keel him.
But I keel him slooooooow.

That is all.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Without further ado...

The moment you've been waiting for!

Better late than never, I always say.
Please forgive the delay~my week has been filled with unexpected things, adaptations, and busy-ness.

AND now I go out this morning to find out that
A. Someone has stolen my dogs
2. Someone, with malicious intent, let my dogs out.

At about 2am this morning, I woke thinking I heard one of my dogs barking, but it sounded like it was coming from the field behind my house.
Then I thought "I should go check"
Then I went back to sleep.

Talk about your bad decisions.

How do I know they were let out deliberately?
Because my back gate is hard to open and takes considerable strength and tugging to open it.
I went out this morning and LO! The gate was open.

Damn me for not getting up last night.
My babies.
They've only been out of the backyard once when my lawnmower guy (don't get me started on THAT moron) let them out.
But I got 'em right back in.

Stupid dogs.
Come home.

Sorry, got sidetracked. I guess there was some further ado.
I will now draw for the CONTEST WINNERS....
(P.S. Ignore the dates on the pics, I always forget to re-set the date when I change the batteries)



Congratulations, you two! I will be sending you each a $15 iTunes Gift Card.
And thanks so much for playing, everyone.
If I would have hit the lotto last night, I'd buy you ALL something special. :)

Now I must go drive around aimlessly and look for my dumbasses doggies.
That is all.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Last, not least

**So I know I said I'd draw for the iTunes Gift Cards today...but me and my super-cute new haircut have a date tonight.
PLUS I still have one last entry to show you.

I will put ALL the entrant's names into a bowl and randomly draw TWO winners tomorrow morning.

But I want you to know you're all weiners to me.

From my lovely friend (and neighbor!) AMANDA, I give you
How Monty and I Celebrated Her Birthday

The day before her birthday, Monty and I met at the airport at 5:00AM for our 7:00 o'clock flight to Vegas. Monty looked refreshed and relaxed like she'd had a good night's sleep. I'm pretty sure I looked like a train wreck still reeking of beer and cigarettes from the pre-Vegas prep party that wrapped up at about 4:45AM. It didn't take long for me to convince her we'd have a lot more fun if she let me "sleep it off" on the plane. The flight was uneventful, and we arrived in Vegas unscathed. After we picked up our rental car, a Mustang convertible, we stopped by our hotel to shower, freshen up, and dress for the 36 hour party that was about to begin. We opted to say at a less expensive hotel off of the strip since we weren't going to spend much time there anyway. Refreshed and looking fabulous, we hopped in the car, put the top down, and headed for the strip. We spent the entire first day doing touristy things, hitting casinos, free shows, free drinks, stuff like that. After a quick nap, we headed to Club Rain to loosen up. We had a couple of drinks, danced on a couple of tables, did some body shots before leaving to see the Thunder from Down Under!!! We had great seats, and since it was Monty's birthday, they pulled her up on stage. After the show, the hot hunks of Aussie man meat invited us back stage for a post show party. On that note, I'd like to remind you that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, but I can guarantee Monty and I will have smiles on our faces for days.

If I ever get to go to Vegas, I'm so taking Amanda with me.

P.S. This is my favorite line ever: "hot hunks of Aussie man meat"
It just sounds so...yummy and dirty.


My toesies.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Aw, yous guys...

Things I Am Thankful For Today (and every day, really):
And most especially

THANKS SO MUCH for all the kind words and birthday wishes yesterday.
I'll have you know that you spoiled my bad mood completely. :)
I ♥ you.

To continue....
Here's my pal MIKEY'S entry into the contest.
Sounds like a ROCKIN' good time!!
Bonus points for including the kids. :)
**random drawing will be held for the winner on FRIDAY

How Monty and I Celebrated Her Birthday

The celebration of Monty's birthday was a two-part event. First we had a party for her earlier in the day so the kids could participate. She always thinks of her kids first. That is one of her qualaties that I like. It was a lot of fun playing games, until we played "Pin The Tail On The Donkey." Monty is still mad at me when it was my turn to be blind-folded. I can still hear her yelling "It's Pin the tail on the donkey! Not pin the tail on Monty!!

After the kids' party broke up, the guests were gone, and her kids were in bed, it was time for Monty and I to celebrate her birthday. We listened to a little music, danced a bit to some slow tunes, had some "adult punch," and discussed world politics. I had brought with me, besides the flowers and a gift, a small cake. After I lit the candles, we had removed the batteries from the smoke detectors just to be safe, I sang "Happy Birthday" in a voice that sounded like Kermit the Frog gargling peanut butter, it was time for her to blow out the candles. Maybe because she was tired or a little bit tipsy, she had difficuly blowing out the candles. So I bent forward to help her. Because my lips were pursed, she thought I was trying to steal a kiss. (I was.) She leaned forward some more and lost her balance and she fell face first into half of the cake. I too was leaning forward because I thought she was going to return the kiss. (Was she?) You guessed right. I too ended up face first in the other half of the cake.

Well as we were looking at each other with our faces covered with cake and icing, we couldn't help but break out in hysterical laughter. Luckily, neither Jules nor Ivy was there with a camera. (Those pics would be all over Blogdom by now.) Each thinking that the other was still looking for a kiss, we leaned forward toward each other again. But when our lips touched we each tasted the cake. Well, the cake was so good that we continued to taste the cake from each other's faces. I can still hear her yelling, "Hey there was no cake there!" I'll bet she can still hear me yelling, "There was no cake there either!"

Suddenly I had to yelp in in pain. I yelled, "It's pin the tail on the donkey, not on Mike!"

I guess you can say that we proved you can have your cake and eat it too! All in all, you can say we had a great time. It was a most memorable birthday. The rest of the evening was ... well ... private. Monty and I both promised not to eat cake and tell! We will not talk any more about pinning and tails.

Thanks Mikey. I had a blast.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

PSSST! A little help, if you please!

SSSH! I need a teensy favor from you, my wonderful friends...

Today is the birthday of one of my Beloved Bosomed Buddies, the Megalicious MEG. (she's 32)

Oh. Right. SSSSHHHH.
What I'd like for you to do is run over to her place, BlogCabin, hide behind the sofa...
...oh hell, she's Canadian, so we'd better say the davenport...
...and when she comes in just pop up and yell

I'm hoping that we can startle her enough so that she pees her pants.

That would totally be cool.

P.S. It's my birthday too, yeah.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

He knows me.

but first...
My daughter always, always offers me the last.
Last cookie.
Last bite.
Last piece of candy in the package.
Last drink.

Once in awhile, I take it.

The Breakfast Club came on whilst I was working today...and I remembered exactly why I fell in love with Judd Nelson

And our next entry is from none other than the man who claims to have a face made for radio and a voice made for print, my buddy TIM VAN SANT!
His entry is short and sweet, in direct opposition to yesterday's entry.

PLUS Tim gets bonus points for paying attention to my needs and going for the sure thing.

"How Monty And I Celebrated Her Birthday"

The soft music of Seal murmurs dreamily in the background

The lights are dimmed

The candles are flickering, dancing their patterns on the walls

The fragrance of Ysatis (her favorite) perfumes the air

The ringers are off

The wine is poured

At last, that long-awaited moment is here.
Only one thing remains to carry the scene to completion.

We slip into a bath....

My reaction is just the same as when I wrote it...


Monday, April 17, 2006


Thanks to everyone who has submitted a story for my li'l contest. (I'll be taking submissions up until WEDNESDAY).
I thought this week I would share them with you...

Submitted by my buddy ZERO (he of the birthday gifts I received last week):

Saturday, April 15, 2006

10:58 P.M.

It would be the perfect crime—and the perfect way to celebrate Monty’s birthday.

We had spent the last month planning the heist. We had the timing
down to the second. We had our escape route planned to the inch. We
had contingency plans in place. We even kept track of historical
weather trends. It all pointed to the coming Wednesday as the perfect
day to carry out the deed. We were so brazenly confident we would
pull this off without a hitch, we could barely contain our
enthusiasm ... or our dreams.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

7:12 A.M.

The morning of the heist, I called Monty. Her voice was sleepy and
confused. I knew that was a bad sign.

“Wha ... who ... who is this?”

“It’s H-Day, Monty. You’re supposed to be at our rendezvous point
in forty-five minutes.”

There was a moment of silence before her trademark, almost violent
laugh shook my handset.

“Oh, come on. It’s my birthday! Not this ‘8-Day’ or whateverthehell
you said ... you said ... holy shit!

Again, it was a bad sign. I reassured her that our plan was still
intact, but she had to get her ass out of bed and hit the road
immediately. She hung up before I could even finish my sentence.

7:57 A.M.

I was sitting on the western-most bench in the Benny Hill Memorial
Park on 17th Avenue when the telltale screeching of car brakes
informed me Monty had arrived. I turned around and saw her
approaching. Good; she remembered to wear the right outfit. Our
appearance would be paramount to our success.

“Well, well.” I couldn’t help but be impressed. “You look like a ’50s
tourist straight out of Denmark.”

Monty scowled and spit out, “I look like a damned idiot, and it’s
supposed to be Norway.

8:31 A.M.

We had scoped out the intersection of 19th Avenue and Moss Street
every day for the last two weeks, to get the timing perfect. There
was an approximate three-minute window every day that offered an
opportunity. That small window would be our opportunity today.

Monty lit a cigarette.

“I thought you had quit.”

She scowled again—a common reaction to me nowadays—and replied, “I’m
not smoking. You’re seeing things.”

Knowing better than to argue with her, I nodded and returned my gaze
to the waiting intersection.

“Besides ... I’m nervous as hell.” She straightened her chic,
fashionable hat and squinted at the sun. “And why is it so friggin’
hot already?”

I grinned. “Don’t worry. This is gonna work like a charm.”

She exhaled quietly and retrieved a stopwatch from her massive,
chillingly stylish handbag.

“I can’t believe I’m letting myself be seen with this purse.” I
waited for her scowl. Instead, she gasped. “Dammit! They’re early!”

I wheeled around, and couldn’t believe my eyes. As if shot through
with electricity, I sprang upwards and grabbed Monty by the arm.
“Let’s go!”

8:40 A.M.

Moss Street was like any other thoroughfare in any other major city
in the country. It was lined with every conceivable merchant: mom-’n-
pop stores, pharmacies, bookstores, banks, Starbucks. Its sidewalks
were lined with every conceivable pedestrian: kids running about,
elderly couples quietly window shopping, businessmen pacing with
takeover bids running through their heads.

It was also where busy moms carted their kids around in strollers.

A few minutes early today, a particular woman was wheeling her
MetroLite LX stroller, with child securely tucked inside, past the
aged facade of Walt’s Office Supplies. In a matter of seconds she
would turn onto 19th and angle toward a tiny rest area, just beyond
the busy Save-Shop corner market.

She was aggressively bland in her sweats and her pony tail. Just
another mom out with her baby.

We approached the woman from a perpendicular direction, Monty
several steps ahead and to the right of me. Smoothly and expertly,
she intercepted the busy mom. With perhaps the worst Norwegian accent
a human could summon, Monty, with city map in hand eagerly bubbled,
“Excuse—I am looking for History Museum? Thank you!”

As I stepped up behind them, I could make out the woman’s eyes
growing large—no doubt due to Monty’s hat—and a puzzled expression
immediately appeared on her face.

“His Tree Museum? Gosh ... I’ve never heard of such a place.” I think
she was more amused than taken aback.

“No, no. His-tory Museum. You know, old stuff?”

“Oh, yes. Yes.” The woman turned around and pointed down the street.

This was my chance. I looked down into the stroller. The baby—a girl,
as I had known—was adorable, a tuft of golden hair atop a truly
cherubic face, and was wrapped in pink polka dot blankets. She eyed
me innocently. I was immediately surprised, perhaps even worried,
about something else I saw. Knowing each second counted, I brushed
aside my concern and reached into the stroller.

“—you make a left on 18th—”

I gingerly placed my fingers around the small, violet-hued candy
firmly held in the baby’s grasp, and deftly pulled in a motion I had
practiced a hundred times.

Too firmly held. The kid wouldn’t let go.

“—two blocks down you turn left—”

I yanked hard. The little shit wouldn’t let go! Instead of a
handful of candy, I was the recipient of an earful of wailing. The
ruse was up as soon as it had begun. Monty instantly panicked.
“Come on! Let’s get out of here!”

The woman, completely surprised, turned around. “What the hell—”

In my eagerness to retrieve the prize, compounded by the day's
unusual heat, the candy had warmed up slightly in my fingers. Now
those same fingers were stuck. I couldn’t escape my victim.

The woman, horrified, took her purse and whacked me in the head.
(Good thing it wasn’t Monty’s purse, or I’d have been killed
instantly.) The force of the impact somehow dislodged my fingers from
their sugary trap, and Monty and I bolted down the street.

“You fucking idiot,” she screamed at me. “Didn’t you think to wear
teflon-coated gloves?” Between panicked gasps, I wheezed out, “The
temperature is seven degrees warmer today than I expected. And this
wasn’t the candy the baby normally eats.”

We had barely made it to our getaway car before the all-too-familar
sound of sirens pierced the din of the city.


I began to open the car door—and then realized, to my horror, that my
fingers had glued themselves to the handle.

I’m stuck!

Monty howled in anger and ran to my side of the car.

“What the hell kind of candy was that, anyway?”

It dawned on me. “Oh, it must have been that anti-theft candy that’s
become so popular. Goddamn!”

Monty reached into her purse and pulled out a knife. (Why was she
carrying a knife with her?)

“I’ll cut them off!”

My eyes practically bulged out of their sockets. “Are you out of your
fucking mind? Get away from me! Get in the car!” I think my Jack
Torrance impersonation genuinely scared her, as she looked at me
warily while racing back to the passenger side. The obvious solution
suddenly coming to mind, I clambered in, and we drove off—my arm
outside, twisted at a perverse angle, my hand still attached to the

We got precisely one block before the cops pulled in front of our car.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

4:42 P.M.

Monty had been released from prison a week earlier. As I stepped
through the gate of the penitentiary, I saw her right in front of me,
suavely leaning against her car. She let out a yelp and ran up to me
and hugged me tightly. I didn’t expect that ... but then, I didn’t
expect the last two years. She smiled that winning smile of hers.
“How’re you doin’?”

Without even waiting for an answer, she grabbed my duffel bag and
threw it in the trunk. I shrugged and shook my head. I measured my
words. “I’m okay. Happy to be out. Happy to get on with my life.” We
got into the car and Monty drove us out of the prison grounds, back
into what most of us call normal existence.

I turned to her, gazing with a bit of amazement and amusement and
asked, “How are you? You seem rather perky.”

Monty grinned and exclaimed, “Why, I’m just fine! Life is good again.”

I nodded and turned my attention out the window, awed by the simple
sights of what had been the outside world and was now our world again.

After a couple of quiet, contemplative minutes, Monty cleared her

“My birthday’s in about a month. Any plans?”

Two drops of pee actually squirted out because I laughed so hard.

Good job, Zero. :)

And yeah, I totally would have sacrificed your hand.

I truly meant to come visit you this weekend, but I was held hostage by a chocolate bunny. I will make it up to you.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Please RSVP

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate the day...

And you're all invited to join me tomorrow as we dine on our traditional Family Easter dinner of egg salad and hasenpfeffer.


My good buddy MIKEY has given me a little should go check it out. And don't let him outbid you for the eBay pics. I know you want 'em.

P.S. Mike, don't forget you're in charge of bringing the roast chick and Peeped yams.

Friday, April 14, 2006

A Weather Report.

Whew, it is windy outside today!

Well, it's a good thing I was not wearing underwear, otherwise everyone would have seen it when my skirt blew up in the parking lot.
That sure would've been embarrassing.

Oh, wait.


Thursday, April 13, 2006


Marshmallow Peeps, whilst fun to look at, should never, under any circumstances, be eaten.
If you want to live, that is.

When I use a headset with one earpiece, it MUST be in my left ear.
When I talk on the phone, I MUST use my right ear.

That's weird.

I stole this from my friend Twisted Chili:

Yes, it is sort of a meme.
Bite me. I haven't done one in ages.

Go to Wikipedia, and type in your birth date (minus the year) in the search box.

From the lists displayed, pick 3 interesting events, 2 births, and 1 death which occurred on the same day as your birthday, and show the year.

April 19th **coming soon! Wishlist items still available! Don't forget~I'm giving out iTunes Gift Cards!

Three interesting events...

1775- American Revolutionary War: The Battle of Lexington and Concord – British General Thomas Gage attempts to confiscate American colonists' firearms. Captain John Parker orders his band of minutemen to not fire unless fired upon. Random shots rang out among the British soldiers. The minutemen promptly fired back. This was the "shot heard round the world." The British are driven back to Boston, Massachusetts, thus beginning the American Revolutionary War.

1927: Mae West is sentenced to 10 days in jail for obscenity for her play Sex.
(I knew there was a reason she's one of my favorite actresses)

1995: Oklahoma City bombing: The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA, is bombed, killing 168.

Two births...

1903: Eliot Ness, American lawman

1968: (same as me!) Ashley Judd, American actress

One death...

1882: Charles Darwin, English biologist

Now, I was thinking of tagging Brandon (because he's just a boy who cain't say no)
my pretend boyfriend Bob Gentry (because I owe him one)...

But color me nice~I'm not going to do it.

I hereby tag all and sundry who want to play.
If you don't, then don't.

That is all.
Have a day.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The One That Is Untitled

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

If there was a 12-step program for malaise, you guys'd be it.
I ♥ you.

Sometimes I like to watch my fingers fly as I hands look so competent.

Sometimes I feel like Mr. Heckles from FRIENDS with

My book is full this month, for some reason.
Maybe it's me.

So our first week on the Shitty Blogs Island has come to an we must vote someone OFF the island.

I trust you are all smart enough to figure out that I DO NOT want you to vote for ME this time.

But if you'd like to help vote someone else off the island, you can GO HERE TO DO IT

That is all.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Heading South...

...a departure from the norm.

Sunday I hit the road...destination Ardmore, America, to pick up my daughter.
It was a lovely, perfect day for a road trip.

As I drove along the highway admiring the long stretches of fields and tree-covered hills, I noticed my mind was brimming over with things.
Just things that needed to be thought.

So I allowed my mind to be lulled by the hum of the tires on the road, half-hypnotized by the road before me...the sounds of the radio faded into the background...
...most of my brain was still on my driving, still registering the dead coyote on the side of the road...
...the scorchmarks on the earth from the raging wildfires...
...the bright new green growth inside the burned patches, so much richer than the untouched grass...
...the fields of rock and cactus...
...six circling buzzards dancing their intricate dance on the wind, marking the kill...

And the rest of my mind was somewhere in the back, with these things tumbling over themselves like rocks in a polisher.
Every so often one of these things would pop out, half-finished, inscribed with a title.
The most persistent of these was "Things That Get My Goat".

Which is funny because I don't even have a goat...hyuk hyuk hyuk.

One of the largest things that Gets My nonexistent Goat is Questions To Which I Have No Answer.

Or more accurately, Questions To Which I Must Answer 'I Don't Know'.
I really, really dislike those questions.
They Get My Goat.

You, being removed from the situation, may consider these questions petty or most likely you will say "Couldn't you find something real to be annoyed about? Why let this little thing bother you? Don't you have bigger issues to deal with?"
You may be correct.
But still, it is My Goat that Is Getting Got, so there.

Most of these Questions To Which I Have No Answer are regarding my son.

My son, although 11, is like an infant.
I have been living with an infant for 11 years.
He cannot sit up.
Nor feed himself.
Nor hold a cup.
Nor walk, nor talk, nor do anything a baby over 6 months old can do.

He is allergic to so very many things...enough so that his skin will break out if I kiss him after eating ice cream.
He has a hyper-sensitive gag reflex, and doesn't chew well.

He can roll over.
He can laugh.
He can grab my hand and bring it to his face.
He can make me love him with a ferocity that you may never know.

I change diapers.
I feed him.
I hold the cup.
I carry and lift him to get him where he needs to be.

These are simply the facts, not a plea for pity or sympathy.

This is my job, and I embrace it willingly and lovingly.

To the Goat Getting Questions...
However well-meant, friendly, or simply curious they are, they ring with audaciousness in my ears:

"Oh [Monty], whatever will you do when he gets too heavy to lift?"

...I don't know

"How will you manage when he gets too tall?"

...I don't know

"When will you..."
"How do you..."
"What can you..."

...I don't know

The Goat Getting is so much worse when it is my own mind betraying me by asking those awful, awful Questions.

Somedays the I Don't Know is so strong that I want to cry in frustration.
Pound things.
I want to turn in my SuperMom tights and cape because

How do I get past it?

And then there are the Grocery Store Questions, which sort of fall under the same category...except it is called the Answers Plus Explanations category.
I make most of my son's food~
Wanna try some?
Green beans, peas, carrots, tomatoes, pinto beans, sweet potatoes, potatoes, and chicken...
Put in a food processor and blend.
Yum yum.

But he needs I buy jars of (baby) fruit.

And then the checkout line.

And then the inevitable "Oh, how old is your baby?"

And then the do I lie to save the explanation? or do I just say '11' and endure THE LOOK? or do I pretend I didn't hear and hope they get the message?

...I don't know

And then I send this thing back into the depths, as the soft hiss and crackle of white noise causes my whole brain to re-engage once again.

I have lost the station.

"Baby, I'd love you to want me
The way that I want you
The way that it should be
Baby, you'd love me to want you
The way that I want to
If you'd only let it be"

On the way I stopped at a special place to touch a memory.

Of course, the journey home was somewhat lengthier with the Speedometer Police riding shotgun.

Only YOU can HELP ME!


TASK #1: YOU (that means YOU in particular) can help by clicking the BANNER and then LEAVING A COMMENT STATING WHY I SHOULD WIN.

Be as creative as you like. Bribery of the judges is strongly encouraged.
Give as many reasons WHY I SHOULD STAY ON THE ISLAND as you like.

Saturday, April 08, 2006



I'm not sure if the person responsible is comfortable with me pointing fingers in their direction...
so until I know for certain I will simply say


Be assured that I jumped up and down, clapping my hands like a little girl, squealing (yes, actually squealing) with glee the whole time.

Then I pirouetted throughout the house in delight, hugging my presents close.

Then I looked at my presents again and thought how thankful I am to know you~and not just for gifts. :)
And then I thought how wonderful you are.
And then I had a happy tear or two for your kindess, thoughtfulness, and sweetness.

You're far too good to me.

If you were here I would hug you and smooch you and dance around the front yard with you.

Thank you. :)


HA! Gotcha again.

A friend of mine told me last week that watching movies at my house with me was like being on Mystery Science Theater 3K.

...I chose to take that as a compliment
...Even though people who talk in movie theaters drive me nuts.
...and so do the people who want to chit-chat through the movie at home. the friend I have who will say "You'll never believe what such & such did at work last week..." HELLO! Trying to watch Matt Mchoweveryouspellhislastnameahy over here!

I am truly disappointed and hurt when someone assures me they're going to do something...and then they don't do it.
Is all I'm saying.

Why does glue stick to the inside of the lid & clog the spout...but doesn't stick to the inside of the bottle?

YOU ONLY HAVE UNTIL APRIL 19th to send me your entry for:
"How Monty and I celebrated her birthday"

and have a chance to win an iTunes giftcard!
Email your story now!

You may (or not) have noticed that the RENT MY BLOG is (temporarily?) gone...
I'm like a rat on crack with the scratchcards over at BE, and I'm trying to break my addiction.
If I don't have credits, I can't scratch.
Did you even care about all that?
I thought not.

That is all.
Have a day.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Couple Things...

I knew I was getting old when I was watching The Early Show yesterday morning and they introduced Josh Hartnett as a "Hollywood Heartthrob" and my mind said "eeeyew".

I don't find him the least bit attractive.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.

To all of you who thought an incredulous "MAYBE??"...shut the hell up.

And during the interview, Josh revealed that he turned down the role of SUPERMAN...and the one hundred million dollar salary that went with it.

He said he didn't want to be forever "branded" as Superman.

What, you got some'm against Superman?? What kind of freak are you?
Superman rules.

I hope they ask TOM WELLING to do THERE'S a yummy guy. (Ro, you'll back me up there, yes?)

Plus how stupid do you have to be to turn down a hundred million bux?

I guess you know what you're doing...
But now is as good a time as any to offer a movie review:

I actually wasted a bunch of money purchased this movie, mostly because I heart Harrison Ford.
THREE TIMES I have sat down to watch this movie...
THREE TIMES I have left it unfinished.
It isn't funny. It isn't cute. What little action I saw was the lamest of lame. The dialogue was nowhere near snappy nor even interesting.

Josh, you should've gone with the Superman thing. There are worse things as which you could be branded... over.

Speaking of movie reviews...
I finally watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

I was prepared for omissions.
I was prepared for some changes.

Didn't like it. Why?
He seemed all frantic-y and anxious & nervy...
Dumbledore is supposed to be the calm in the face of the storm, wise in counsel...
This guy was just a little bit creepy.

Is all I'm saying.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Little bit o this, little bit o that

This is an actual doll that my friend bought at Dollar Tree.

I introduce to you Quasi's sister, Barbie-Modo (aka-Nuclear Barbie):

*sings* "Isn't she lovely?
Isn't she wonderful?"

I love this doll. Sometimes in the morning my face looks sort of like that.

I haven't had a single puff on a ciggie since Christmas Day.

Big shout out to my homies at Channel 9 who evidently RECEIVED MY LETTER last month...

...and now I will be able to enjoy The Amazing Race on WEDNESDAY, and get back to my regular viewing of BOSTON LEGAL on TUESDAY nights, without interruption.

Good job, guys.


Now, you know that for my birthday I'm giving away some iTunes Gift Cards... to be selected RANDOMLY when you email me a story entitled
"How Monty and I celebrated her birthday"

The boys have embraced this

So, ladies, what's holding you back?
Step up! I know you've got imaginations~~use 'em!

That is all.
Have a day.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Win an iTunes Gift Card!

See Previous post for details.

Things I am thankful for today:

...people who care
...that I can weep for a stranger
...those who reach out when you didn't even know you needed them--but they knew
...underwire bras that fit perfectly and make your rack look incredible

The Passenger-Seat Driver

Daughter: "Mom, the speed limit is 50."
ME: "Mmmmmm"
Daughter: "I was just telling you."
ME: "Okay, thanks."
Daughter: "Because it looks like you're going a bit over the speed limit."
ME: "I am. But only a little."
Daughter: "I thought you said it was the morons who speeded or drive too slow on the highway that cause the accidents."
ME: "...."
ME: "See, this is what's known as going with the flow of traffic.
Daughter: *looks around* "What traffic?"
ME: *looks around* "Oh."

4 Miles Later....
Daughter: "Mom, the speed limit is 40..."
ME: *sigh*

**Fall in love. Visit my TENANT. Do it or else.

That is all.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Saturday Silliness


Less than THREE WEEKS LEFT to SHOP before my birthday!

In honor of my birthday, I am going to be giving away a couple of iTunes GIFT CARDS.

Wanna win one?

EMAIL ME a story entitled "How Monty and I Celebrated Her Birthday"

A couple of the stories, RANDOMLY chosen, will win a small Gift Card.

C'mon. Make it a fun birthday for me.

What do you want on YOUR Tombstone?
"No Touchy My Stash"
or maybe
"$2.5M Street Value"

Now, I know this is a day late & a dollar short, but just to give you a heads up for next week...

My fabulous Tenant has decided to protest Half-Nekkid Thursday and started a NEW game...


It comes complete with a shiny button:

Be sure to let her know when you decide to play along.

And we'll pass the word around from there. *winky smile*