Wednesday, July 30, 2014

A post in the style of early MTV

By which I mean it contains actual music videos.

Because I've had too much of this lately:



And not nearly enough of this:


Which means it's time for this:



That is all.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Sun Also Rises... in Libra.

I don't usually put a lot of stock in horoscopes and astrological type thingies, but I have to admit that some characteristics of certain signs seem pretty consistent with the people to whom they're attached.

I've always thought my sun-sign, Aries, was kind of accurate, but the other day I was wondering why, as a fire sign, I'm so drawn to water to soothe my soul. I love floating in water. I love daydreaming of beaches, any kind of beaches. I often dream of living on a houseboat in some harbor, like John D. Macdonald's Travis McGee.
So I figured I'd check out my moon-sign - which I actually just learned was A Thing.
I think it's far more accurate than my sun-sign.


AQUARIUS (well that explains a lot right there) (and the bolding is mostly my doing):
Aquarius

The Moon is Out-Of-Bounds (declination 24° 37')
Original, knowledgeable, competent, has strong opinions. Likes freedom, enjoys reading. Hates mediocrity and incompetence (*ed. note: I hate it in other people, not necessarily myself).
In many life situations, the Moon in Aquarius people have their own, distinct and sometimes very original opinion, and they are not going to change this opinion no matter what, even if they will be left completely alone. It is very important for these individuals to retain their independence. They don't want their personal life to be anybody else's concern.
Often the Moon in Aquarius individuals have some outstanding abilities in one or another field, and they work like a magnet for those people who share their interests. This is why so often they take a central place in the company of like-minded friends. And even there they somehow manage to keep their uniqueness. They are not mixing well with the other people, they are together with them, but still alone.

As a result of their character, quite often the Moon in Aquarius folks can become really alone in their personal life, and their constant urge for independence can lead to chronic emotional stress. Hence their susceptibility to the disorders of nervous and circulatory systems, as also those unpredictable changes in their mood. There is an impression that at times they are getting tired of themselves, and to get rid of this tiredness they are trying to change abruptly, as if to become a different person.
To restore after a significant stress, the Moon in Aquarius persons need to have a hobby which they could plunge themselves into, forgetting about the surrounding world. It would be really good for them if they could speak out their problems, but this is not so easy, because Lunar Aquarians do not like to just chat with anyone about anything. They prefer dealing with experts in their field of interest - this is with whom they are ready to talk endlessly. And if there is no such a person around, a good book could serve as a replacement for a friend.
The Moon in Aquarius parents can be very original. From the early years they will make clear to their child that everyone's individuality is precious, and everyone should be independent. As a result, their kids might not be always properly fed or dressed, but they will become self-reliant earlier than their peers, and their talents will develop more successfully.



So I thought I'd check out my "rising sign" even though I'm not really sure exactly what that means. From what I understand, it's supposed to be how other people view me, and my outward demeanor.

See, this is where I am completely lost. Is this REALLY how you view me? SRSLY? SAY IT AIN'T SO!

Your Ascendant: 21°18' LibraLibra
 Libra
Your psychological nature is sanguine and communicative or nervous and introverted, depending on who, either Venus or Saturn, is the strongest. Libra is ruled by both Venus, the principle of harmony, extraversion, attractiveness, outgoing and airy in this sign, and by Saturn, the principle of rigour, introversion, restraint, concentration and meditation. Unless Saturn is very strong in the chart, Libra is delicate, charming, sociable, perpetually compromising (??? No way!). For this reason, you may sometimes come across as hesitant and weak because you dare not to insist or to give your opinion (THIS CANNOT BE RIGHT!). You prefer to act as a unifier, an element of understanding and equity, even though it is detrimental to your own assertiveness. You loathe violence, you spare no efforts for the sake of pacification and you adjust to the situation with flexibility and charm. (CHARMING? MOI? UH UH)
With this Ascendant, you come across as sentimental, charming, polite, delicate, refined, loyal, peace-loving, fair, distinguished, light, romantic, cultured, airy, likeable, neat, perfectionist, caring, gentle, quiet, tidy, artistic, tolerant, lenient, sociable, seductive, elegant, kind, with a taste for aesthetics. But you may also be hesitant, weak, wavering, selfish, fragile, indecisive, fearful, indolent, cold or even, insensitive. (what the actual fuck? Did they pick out all the exact OPPOSITE words for me? The only ones I would associate myself with are ...selfish, cold, and insensitive. Loyal for sure. Tolerant maybe, and seductive IF I WANT AND I AM REALLY GOOD AT THAT YOU KNOW)




Clearly the wrong planet ascended at the wrong time and messed stuff up, which would actually explain a lot. Also, since my sun-sign is fire and my moon-sign is water...wouldn't they cancel each other out?
AM I REALLY JUST A VOID?
Don't answer that.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Crybaby cry, poke you in the eye...

You know how you hope a thing will happen one way, you want a thing to happen that way just for a bit of happiness or contentment's sake, but you expect it will happen the other way and then it pretty much does and you're really not at all surprised and then you're a little weepy all day?

That.

That is today.

That is today for me.

#PityParty
#TableForOne




Updated: 
To add insult to injury, I burnt my breakfast, which I am just now getting around to making at 12:04pm. Normally I make perfectly tasty over-medium eggs, just the way I like them, but apparently I do not know how to cook them in coconut oil. They both stuck, got burnt on the edges, and the yolks broke when I attempted to flip them. It was a scramble-fried hot mess.





Update #2:
AAANNNNDDDD I just realized my shirt has been on inside-out.

Monday, July 14, 2014

It's complicated.

Sometimes how much I laugh is directly proportional to how hard the day is.
Sometimes the more wise-ass I get is directly related to my rising level of frustration/anger.

Sometimes the funnier people think I am is when I'm hurting the most.
Sometimes when I'm nice(-ish), it's because I've said or thought or done something horrible or mean.

Sometimes the brighter the smile, the closer the tears.
Sometimes I barely want to be your friend anymore but I can't stand the thought of you not being there.

Sometimes the more contrary and stubborn I seem, the more I really want to just give in and go along.
Sometimes the more I share, the more I want to hide from you.

Sometimes when I'm kidding, I'm really not. Much.
Sometimes I take myself way too seriously. And sometimes not seriously enough.

Sometimes the more polite I am, the less I actually like you.
Sometimes the more concerned I seem, the less I care.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being melodramatic (like now), which makes me feel awkward and embarrassed.
Sometimes (like now), I just want a big bear hug. (but not by a real bear)(maybe a panda)(or a koala. yes, a koala)

Sometimes I have no clue what to do next.
Sometimes I wonder what you would do.



Saturday, July 05, 2014

AS SEEN ON TV!

I was just sitting here thinking about how, as depicted on the teevee, doctors and lawyers are always sleep deprived, food deprived, and having sex in closets and copy rooms.

Um. Aren't these the people we're trusting with our very lives? Our children's lives? Our most private and confidential biznissss?
So why are these doctors (and nurses too! I loves the nurses!) on 24/36/48 hour shifts, sleeping in snatches of 10 minutes here and 30 minutes there? Why are the lawyers (or at least their minions and researchers) working 20 hours a day buried in books?

I'm not saying anything about the sex, because cool. You gotta get what you can get when you can get it especially when you get to be of a certain age.

I want my doctor, nurse, and/or lawyer to be getting a good 7-8 hours of sleep and at least 2 nutritious meals per day. Seriously, if I'm on the operating table and someone's hand is on my actual heart or in my intestines (EW), I don't want them passing out from low blood sugar or doing the little head-bob nod-off.
Is all I'm saying.




Speaking of AS SEEN ON TV, a couple years ago I thought I might do a review blog on those products. I'll be honest, some of them look COOL AS HELL and I've wondered if they actually work (I am currently interested in the STONE WAVE so I can have gourmet dishes IN MINUTES from the microwave with this magical pot!). Sometimes it's hard to find a REAL review that is not just someone paid by the ASOTV people to say good things, so I thought I'd share the Real Story with those products I've been 'gifted' with.

GRATER PLATER:

Does NOT WORK FOR GARLIC, no matter what Billy Mays showed you (RIP, Billy). Well, I mean it works if you want a big messy pile of mush that does NOT scrape together and stays all stuck between the little ceramic spikes. It does work pretty well on a block of parm cheese, but that's really the only thing for which I ever found it useful.

STRAP PERFECT BRA CLIP

This actually DOES work...although it didn't give me cleavage like the girl on the front of the package. But let's be honest, my cleavage is already pretty awesome. This bra clip is especially good if you don't want to spend $30 on a new bra and the straps on your favorite old creaky bra are stretched out and falling off your shoulders all the time. So yeah, it works, but you could probably save your money and just head to the office supply store and buy a box of these for the same exact effect: 


PED EGG and HEELTASTIC
 


The Ped Egg and Heel Tastic are actually two of my VERY FAVORITE products! I have the ped egg AND the Ped Egg on a stick, and they feel nice on my feets (also EW FEET). Heeltastic is a little greasy, but it has a nice scent and it does make my heels and the sides of my feet soooo smooooooov! (see how I got a little hip-hoppy there? I know. I am JUST THAT COOL)
These? I recommend. For reals yo.


THE MAGIC BULLET:  

No, not the kind of Magic Bullet you might find at Christie's Toy Box or adameve.com. The kind that you make food and drink with. I do not personally own one of these, but I have a friend who does and uses it often. I have also been a recipient of the delicious slushy alcoholic beverages that can be produced IN SECONDS, I TELL YOU, SECONDS! And we know sometimes in serious drinking fun, seconds count! Also good for chopping or smushing a small amount of some food rather than dragging out the big food processor. I would recommend the investment.

ICE CREAM MAGIC

PIECE. OF. SHIT. Bought one for my middle niece - it's really craptastic. I mean, I figured it would be, but I thought shaking your own ice cream would be fun for her. 
NO. Just no. Unless you want to pass it around for an hour letting everyone take a turn to make what amounts to 3 bites of "ice cream".

OXI CLEAN

My first real, meaningful contact with the late, great (loud and annoying) Billy Mays. Actually I love Oxi-Clean and I buy laundry detergent with oxi-clean added nearly every time. It doesn't work as well for me as it did on the teevee for Billy, but it does work well and since Josh is in diapers and all his stuff ends up smelling like pee, oxi-clean is a lifesaver. Well, smell-saver anyway.

SMOOTH AWAY

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHGHHHH! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OMG MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP I CONFESS TO EVERYTHING ANYTHING PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY MAKE IT STAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPP!
Just sandpaper your legs and pour alcohol on them. Same difference.

TOPSY TURVY

Well, we tried the tomatoes and strawberries...no go. I don't know if the birds ate the stuff or what, but they didn't really grow at all. 

CAFE CUP

Now THIS is a favorite of mine - I was given a Keurig for Christmas but sometimes I just don't have the extra $$ or am too lazy to go to the grocery store when I run out of k-cups, and I use these frequently with my regular old Maxwell House.



I have no desire to try a shake-weight, or that neck/chin exercise thingy, or spray-on Gray Away hair stuff, talking toilet paper, that weird boob "Kush" deal or bumpits, but I wouldn't mind trying a Flexi-mop or Nicer Dicer or Spin Spa.
For sure I'm going to try this: 



Tell me which ones YOU have tried - any recommendations??

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

A challenge.

Most regular bloggers that I know have drafts in their post lists...I have, at present, 51 drafts. I also have 20-30 "secret blog" posts that no one is ever invited to view. Although sometimes pieces of those secret posts make their way over here, usually after I've had time (a few months) to let it settle and think it through. Some of my drafts are a single sentence. Or an idea for a blog title. Some of them...we'll they're so outdated (in draft status for more than 4 years) that I've forgotten where I wanted to go with the idea in the first place. So I have a question and a challenge: Q: How many drafts do you currently have? How old is the oldest one? C: Once a week, take your oldest draft and post it now. Feel free to update it so that you're not referring to "yesterday's" celebrity death of Patrick Swayze or Michael Jackson if you don't want to.