Friday, October 10, 2014

My fallback career.

This is what the stationery section of all the stores would look like if I were in charge.
Maybe I could print them out and sell them on street corners.

#IfIWroteHallmarkCards

#ShouldBeAHallmarkCard (notice mine are the best ones. Is all I'm saying.)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Things I SHOULD Say

Just to counterbalance my last post...things I don't say often enough and shouldn't assume that you already know.
(#YIIAY Lisa)

1. I don't hate you. Mostly.

2. Your posts always make me smile with delight at your happiness.

3. It is utterly comforting to know I can ask you for anything, any time.

4. I'm glad I met you.

5. Your friendship sometimes makes me a nicer person.

6. I sincerely appreciate you and all that you do for me. In fact I like you well enough that I'd probably appreciate you if you did nothing for me ever.

7. Sometimes the laughter at your posts is what gets me through the day.

8. I truly value you and I'm happy you're in my life in some small way.

9. I hardly ever want to headstab you.

10. I do love you. For reals, yo. In a totally non-sexual way. Except maybe you and you...how YOU doin', baby?

11. Most of these are probably about all of you.

Things I Wanted To Say

Just a fun little exercise in which I relieve the pressure of Not Engaging and point no fingers.
(#NINAY Lisa)(heehee)(I knew you would ask)

1. You haven't heard from me because sorry, I can't bear watching you make the exact same decision over and over again when it's destroying your life.

2. I question the state of your mental health.

3. You actually are an idiot in a good disguise.

4. Grow up and get over the one-upmanship. This isn't high school, that ship sailed about 30 years ago and it's very unattractive.

5. There comes a time when you have to stop dressing like you're still in your 20s. You're not actually as cute as you think you are.

6. Stop gender-neutralizing your "friends" when you talk about "them" because that's always a dead giveaway.

7. I only ... creatively fictionalized...my answer a little bit so I wouldn't hurt your feelings, because you are important to me.

8. Your ability to turn even good things into whiny complaints has made me wash my hands of you.

9. If you're promoting the message of hate and intolerance while calling yourself a Christian, you aren't one. Period.

10. It hurts my feelings a tiny bit when you go out of your way to publically thank people...except somehow never Me. Ridiculous of me to be hurt, but nonetheless, it does.

11. None of these are about any of you.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Sweatin' it out.

Let's take a moment to talk about sweat.
I know, ew.

I've used Secret deodorant for many, many years - and recently I've discovered that it may be "Strong enough for a man", but it can't hold a candle to the stank that is menopause sweat.

OMG.

If there's one thing that mightily offends my scentsors, it's the stink of  BO.
I mean, I like the smell of skin sometimes, especially a lover's special scent. But nasty pit-smell? NO THANK  YOU.

At first I thought maybe Secret had changed their formula and it was no longer Strong Enough For A Man but Made For A Woman, then I realized it was NOT made for a woman with menopause.
When I hit 45 last year, my body started betraying me overnight.
I've had chronic back troubles for years - I keep re-injuring the same places when I lift Josh in & out of the wheelchair or bathtub.
But all of a sudden my back is aching in new ways, I have a neuropathy thing that makes my feet and toes cramp and feel tingly and weird, and recently woke up one morning with what is apparently tendonitis in my wrist.

AND THE SWEAT.
I've been having hot flashes and night sweats for three or four years now - my hormones are totes out of whack.
But the last year or so, I can get out of the shower, put on my Secret...and within 5 minutes I DO NOT SMELL GOOD anymore.
WTF.
Unacceptable.

I finally googled to see if stanky menopause sweat was actually A Thing... AND IT IS.
Fortunately for some of you, it doesn't happen to everyone.
Unfortunately for me, it does happen to some.
*sigh*

This is not an advertisement or review for deodorant, I'm just passing on a little advice: If you're stricken with this problem, Degree Clinical Strength actually works.
Which is good so that I don't have to save up to have my sweat glands removed.

Are any of you going through this? My misery would love the company.
Also? MENOPAUSE SUCKS.

That is all.
Have a day.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Let it GO, let it GO!

I read a lot of blog posts, facebook statii, and tweets that advise us to "just let it go."
"Let go of the hurt."
"Let go of your past."
"Put down the baggage and walk away."
"Let go of his neck because you're going to get charged with murder." 

What I want to know is...
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
Well, I mean except for that last thing, you just have to loosen your grip a little. Before the cops get there.

But seriously, how do you know if you've actually let it go?
It's still in your mind, right? You still remember it, yeah? It's not like you can take a Magic Eraser (although WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL??) and rub out the bits that you don't like.

So when people say they've "let it go", does that just mean they never speak of it again? Do they somehow box up the problem like "out of sight, out of mind"? That doesn't seem like letting go, it seems like burying it deeper in the dark so it can grow into giant fungus.

Because I don't understand how you can make the thoughts, and the feelings that accompany those thoughts, just disappear. I DO NOT GET IT.

I carry a lot of baggage -- I don't mean to. I don't DWELL on it. It's just there. The thoughts & feelings from the experience are there. I'm not holding grudges or still mad or upset about THIS or THAT or THE OTHER THING...I've forgiven people for hurting me - even if they don't know it.
So I think okay, I've let it go.
And then a situation arises that's similar and reminds me of THIS or THAT or THE OTHER THING -- so the memory returns and the feeling returns and although I wasn't *trying* to think of it, I wasn't *looking* for it...BOOM! Right back in the suitcase I'm carrying around.

So someone tell me...how do you really let something go? Or is that just another of those phrases that really means nothing when applied to Real Life?
#AskingForAFriend


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Death of a comedian

Most times, when I hear of a celebrity death, I feel a vague sort of sadness. A little sorrow at a wasted life if it's got something to do with drugs. It's sort of a passing emotion - like you'd feel for an innocent stranger as you pass a fatal car accident - and I don't dwell on it.

Until Johnny Carson died. That day I cried...the actual boohoo sobbing kind of cry, not merely weeping. I cried every time I saw a tribute to him, for weeks afterward. I didn't know him personally any more than I knew Brittany Murphy or Heath Ledger, but Johnny was something else. I cried as if he'd been my own family.

Yesterday, hearing about the death of Robin Williams, I didn't want to believe it was true. I'll admit that my first thought was, "Probably a cocaine overdose," because I'd read over the last 20-some-odd years about his struggles and relapses with drugs. I'd never really read much about his depression.
And I cried. Like with Johnny Carson. Like Robin had been a favored uncle in my life. 
I always thought he had very kind, very sad eyes, even in the midst of manic humor.

When I read all the hundreds of beautiful, well-written posts and tributes and remembrances, I tear up again.
I love that there are so many people posting hot-line numbers to help others who are depressed and/or suicidal. 

I don't have anything to add except that depression is a sneaky, stealthy bastard. It comes for you in the day or the night, for no reason at all sometimes, and often is harder to treat than cancer. 
Be aware, for yourself and of your friends, so that maybe you can reach out for a helping hand or offer one to someone else.




**UPDATE for no real reason: I just remembered the one other celebrity death which made me truly cry and filled me with sorrow and vengeance - Phil Hartman. Man, I loved the hell out of that guy.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Seriously?

Punishing your kid for fucking up is NEWS now?

Well, I guess it has been for awhile with the whole social media deal - parents shaming their kids making them stand by the road wearing a sandwich board, that kind of thing, while posting and re-tweeting and sharing it.

And every time I see one one of those stories and see all the "Go mom!" "We need more parents like you!" "Best parenting ever!" comments...I just shake my head and say "WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE."

Do you not punish your own kids? What is so special and newsworthy about making your kid do chores for the neighbors to pay for totaling your car and lying about where he was going? And really, is that the best you can come up with for punishment for that big of A Thing?

I DON'T GET IT.

Who HASN'T been punished by having to do chores? Plus being grounded and no TV and blahblahblah.
The occasional spanking...which can ALSO get you on the news but you sure won't be hearing any "Go mom!" comments for THAT (except maybe from me).

Maybe if more of you "Go mom!"ers would spend some time disciplining your own kids, it wouldn't seem like such a big deal.

Because I totally can not figure out how it becomes News.

WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE.