Sunday, January 18, 2015

Tiny Houses

So I'm guessing most of you are familiar with The Next Big Thing, which turns out to be Tiny Houses. I see a fafillion of them in my facebook newsfeed - some of them are so adorable! Energy efficient, cost effective - many are pretty much completely run on solar power. I think there's even a TV show about Tiny Houses on a cable channel.
I am intrigued by the idea...every time I see those walls made completely of glass, looking out onto the gorgeous scenery, I really really want one. Then I think about having to clean all the pollen, dirt, dead bugs, and birdshit off those windows and it's a little less appealing.
I do like the ones made from those pod storage or shipping containers - I'd make a "double-wide" out of a couple of those. My mom wants a tiny house. My cousin and his wife just bought some land (near Luther, where *I* grew up and he visited during summers, coincidentally) and they're planning to build a tiny house as soon as they can shove their last nestling out into the Great Big World.
Since you know I'm totes lucky when it comes to finding excellent bargains, there just happens to be a Tiny House available right near me and I'm pretty sure I can get it fairly cheap! It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but I've got a few years left in me before retirement (HAHAHAH RIGHT, like I'm ever going to be able to Not Work), so I'm pretty confident I can do most of the work myself.

So I present to you....my Tiny House.


Sure, it needs some work - a good scrubbing and maybe a new coat of paint for the front door.
But it has a fireplace, and I bet that'll be good enough to warm the entire house!



Okay, it needs a good sweep-out inside too, but there's plenty of room for a visiting kid. And see? Built in bookshelves too!



It's got a tiny stove with an open window to enjoy the view while I'm cooking:



And a little sink for the washing up. It's even wired for a landline telephone in case I move the house to a place with no cell-phone reception:



I think I'll put my sleeping area by the fireplace so I will be toasty warm all winter!



It's even got a quick-slide exit that could totally double as a wheelchair ramp for Joshua:


Back patio where I can sit outside with my coffee and enjoy nature:


And it's even furnished with a deep-freezer chest - it comes with the house! How lucky can you get?



The current owners even started building an add-on barbeque pit...well, I guess it's not really a *pit* because it's elevated. But it'll perfect for backyard summer parties, right?


I will be sure to invite you over - one at a time, of course - for a series of housewarming parties when I get moved in. Make sure you RSVP, please.

Monday, January 12, 2015

I should not be allowed to think about things.

I love music.
LOVE love.
Those of you who've suffered through all the incarnations of my radio show know what I like, which is almost everything between the 50s and the 90s, with a couple handsful of random songs from 2000 to now. I also like classic country music, but not too much of 'today's' country.

I love to turn up the radio and sing at the top of my lungs - in the house, in the car...in the grocery store.
There are a ton of misheard lyrics that I sang incorrectly for years, and I still do, because it's fun.
♪ Big old Chad and Lionel, don't carry me too far away! Oh oh oh big old Chad and Lionel, 'cause it's here that I've got to stay... ♫

But I don't usually stop and think about the lyrics. I mean, sometimes the story the song is telling is just right there and easy to follow and you don't really need to think about it.
And of course there's all the (c)rap and other songs with the horrible lyrics about fuck the police and having 99 problems but a bitch ain't one (yeah, because no girls want to get with you, doy) and "blurred lines" between consensual and forced sex.

Then this morning "December '63 (Oh what a night)" came on the radio - I was just listening and not singing along - and it struck me that there could be some room for interpretation, and frightening song lyrics are not a New Thing.

"You know I didn't even know her name
But I was never gonna be the same
What a lady, what a night..."  So, clearly already setting up to be a one-night stand.

"As I recall it ended much too soon..." This can only be premature ejaculation. Or erectile dysfunction.

"I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder, spinnin' my head around and takin' my body under!" Uh-oh, sounds like someone got roofied!

"Seemed so wrong but now it seems so right..." It seemed so wrong because you got doped up, had 2 minutes of sex with some nameless stranger, blaming her for "mesmerizing and hypnotizing" you and now you're trying to rationalize it in the clear light of the next day. IT WAS SO WRONG. Leave it at that.

SEE? What a horrible song!

And don't even get me started on those stalkery songs of 1970-71ish...

Brand New Key, by Melanie
"I rode my bicycle past your window last night..." Yeah, that isn't AT ALL creepy.
"Sometimes I think that you're avoiding me..." Um yes, because STALKER.
"I asked your mother if you were at home - she said yes but you weren't alone..." See, for most people this is a big, unmistakable sign that you are NOT WELCOME HERE.

Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando
"I can hear your music playing, I can feel your body swaying one floor below me - you don't even know me, I LOVE YOU." So dude is laying on his floor, feeling the bass through the floor, getting off imagining the downstairs neighbor doing a strip-tease and is in love with someone based on the floor vibration. Yes. Sounds legit.
"Read how many times I saw you, how in my silence I adored you, and how only in my dreams did that wall between us come apart." Can you say PEEPING TOM? (Peeping Tony, whatevs). With his sick fevered and probably fetishy and nasty dreams about this woman he's never met. I'd get a deadbolt on my door if I was the neighbor in question.

And the pedophile songs...
"Love you so much, can't count all the ways...Girl, you'll be a woman soon. Soon, you'll need a man."
EW GROSS. Just what every young girl dreams of, Neil Diamond's old balls. #Pervert
"You'll be a woman soon" makes her sound pre-menstrual.

Gary Puckett isn't any better - he sounds kind of like a rapist.
"Young girl, get out of my mind, my love for you is waaaaaaay out of line..." Um YEAH IT IS.
"BETTER RUN, GIRL!" At least he tries to give her a warning...or maybe just a head start before he starts hunting her down like a 10 point buck on the first day of bow season.

Maybe I should just start listening to classical music.














Sunday, January 11, 2015

And the winner is...

...Kerry Housley of OKC! CONGRATS! (also very exciting because OKC is hosting a Spartan Race this year - so that worked out well, woohoo!)

BUT FIRST...
a stipulation or two.

If you find you are going to be unable to use the code, PLEASE either
1. Give the code to someone who will be able to use it OR
2. Let me know so I can re-draw for another winner.

Them's the rules, chillun, and you dasn't break them or you will SUFFER MY WRATH.
I say that with love and affection.

I would like to thank everyone who entered the drawing - it was done with a random name picker, and if a re-draw is necessary I will use that site again.

But wait - all is not lost for the big losers people who didn't win this time! This is the second time that Reebok/Spartan Race has asked me to promote them, so I am hopeful that in the future I will be able to get more free race codes to give to you!
AND.
For everyone else who entered (or even if you didn't enter the drawing but are still planning to race at some time this year) - you can get a 10% discount off one race when you use the code SPARTANBLOGGER while registering. The more of you who use the code, the better my chances are at getting to give away more free races. Just saying.

Thanks for your participation, thank you Reebok/Spartan Racing!
(PS - did you know that you can also look for a Spartan trainer/coach?)

I've done what I can for you - you're on your own now in keeping your resolutions.
Go away now.


Saturday, January 03, 2015

I have seen the face of Satan and his name is...

...BRIDEZILLA.
Satan has many names and faces, and they were all on that show called Bridezilla.

Okay, so I accidentally just watched one or two...seasons...of this show on Netflix.
WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

I have never seen more testicle-less men nor more rude, classless, nasty, trashy, horrible females in my life.
It was like watching a train-wreck happening in slow motion right in front of my eyes - I was horrified but compelled to watch, impossible to turn my eyes away.

All I could think was HOW AM I STILL SINGLE when these ginormous assholes are having weddings and making everyone around them miserable? They are not even humans. They were like sociopathic beings with sawdust feelings, crocodile tears, and permanent PMS. Or whatever that thing is that's like PMS on steroids...PMDD or something like that.

And none of them thought they were doing anything wrong.
I feel like I need to call a priest or someone to cleanse my house after watching that show.
#WhyIHatePeople

Now I have to watch a nice romantic comedy to get rid of the bitter aftertaste...like My Bloody Valentine.



Tuesday, December 30, 2014

This is...SPARTAN! Pt. II: Resolutions

So Christmas is just past and you're still excited about setting up that new FitBit until you lose it or by the time two weeks have passed you've forgotten to wear it more often than not and you haul out your New Year's Resolutions, or as I like to call it: Setting Yourself Up For Epic Failure And Embarrassment And Oh Yeah That Gym Membership You'll Be Paying Out The Ass For The Next 20 Years And Only Use It Twice.

But don't let that discourage you.
Really.
I mean it.
Have a cookie and a Netflix binge.

I do know that there are a select group of you who will actually follow through with your
1. Get in shape/exercise/lose weight!
resolution. At least for longer than...January. So YOU PEOPLE, this is for you.

Last year I wrote a post for Spartan Races/Reebok, and I guess I did a good enough job that they've asked me to write another this year to tell you about some new and different stuff they've got happening. I looked at the Spartan Race website and I tell you, it was nearly enough to make me want to enter a race myself. [nearly. that is an important qualifier]
It is ADVENTURE RACING at it's finest. I like the way they put it on the website: "Spartan Race is on a mission to get you active, healthy, excited about change, and return to our ancient roots where running through the woods, getting dirty, and facing adversity was part of everyday life. Our events are all about challenging today's perception of normal."

***I HAVE A FREE RACE CODE TO GIVE AWAY! Details at the end! FREE BABY!***

The coolest new thing in my opinion happens in March - you will TAKE A CRUISE to the race! From Port of Miami you'll be taken to Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas for a Spartan Sprint - which is a brand new thing.
A CRUISE. Travel in style before you go pound the crap out of yourself on the course! TOTALLY worth it and I'm not even being sarcastic.

As I mentioned last year, my friend Sean and some of his family and friends are frequent Spartan Race participants:








They tell me that some of the races are brutally intense but they've never had more fun.
One of the nice parts about the Reebok Spartan Races is that they're accessible to most everyone. For beginners, sign up for a Spartan Sprint! Beginner/entry level doesn't mean it won't be challenging though, so suck it up, Buttercup, and prepare to get down and dirty.
There is an intermediate level, an advanced Beast level, and an extreme level Death Race.
I will pay you upwards of $5 to show me some pictures of you in the Death Race.
I'm totes good for the money. Also? I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU. So you cannot refuse.

Need some help with the workout? They've got Workout Of The Day motivation and Food of the Day recipes to keep you on track. Also this year be sure to listen to the Spartan UP! podcast - hosted by bestselling author Joe De Sena.
Need to know where to race? They're scattered across the country so most people will be able to find one close - here's an upcoming race schedule - in fact in just a couple of short weeks you could be racing in So. Cal! (Local Okie friends - there's going to be a Super Spartan race in OKC in 2015 - get registered!)

There are even age-appropriate courses for the littlest kids! If your kid is entered in the Spartan Kids race, you get 2 free spectator passes as well. I think this is one of the most awesome parts of the Spartan Race experience, especially since so many schools have lost their phys ed programs and some elementary schools have even done away with intramural sports. It makes me sad, since I loved playing basketball and softball all through school, since I was about 8 years old. (gratuitous personal photos to follow:)





Do yourself a favor and get a SEASON PASS - start off with a sprint and soon you'll be headed for the Death Race!
I AM TALKING TO YOU, my triathlon-running friends, Warrior Dashers, and workout fanatics. Don't make me call you out by name on social media (although I probably will anyway).
At least go check out the website - there's a bunch of stuff I didn't even mention here because some of you have the attention span of a gnat and I know you *coffcoffJenniferDuplantiscoffcoff* are already thinking "TL;DR".

Do you remember me mentioning a FREE RACE CODE? Just leave a comment of some sort here, or on Facebook or Twitter, letting me know you want to be entered for the drawing. Every RE-TWEET and/or SHARE of the link to this blog post will earn you additional entries! Got ello.co? Share the link to this post and get another entry!
Drawing will be JANUARY 10th so you can get into an early race if you want.  Go forth and share!
***Added bonus: Get 10% off any race when you register with the code: SPARTANBLOGGER






P.S. Dear Reebok, I don't suppose that there's any chance you could hunt up a pair of those classic plain solid white leather sneakers with the embroidered round emblem on the side, the ones I can't find anymore? Women's size 9. I think they're NPC II classics. I'm just saying it would be a nice gift for some deserving someone. It might even inspire a person to train for a Spartan Race. #Maybe :)
These ones:



(**Disclaimer: I am receiving NOTHING for posting this advertisement. They asked and I posted because
1. Fitness + Fun = Good times and great memories
2. I DO WHAT I WANT
C. I could totally keep the free race code for myself if I wanted to. But hey, I'm all about the readers getting something good. I'm totes unselfish like that.)

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Hey, Macklemore! Can we go thrift shopping? What what what what?

I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got 20 dollars in my pocket...




So around here we have the Uptown Thrift Store.
I love to shop there on a Sunday, because Sunday is Green Bag day.
What it is, you purchase a reusable green bag for about a dollar, as many of them as you want (I have two). Then on Sunday, you take your green bags in, and they'll have a color posted for that day...say...orange (which it was, last Sunday).
Whatever clothes have orange (or whatever color they've chosen) tags can go in your green bags - as much as you can cram in there. When you check out, you're charged by the bagful, which is $5.95.

Electronics and appliances and such count as one green bag (as long as you have an empty green bag).
So Becca and I were getting Joshua some tee shirts (he chews them up - YES, CHEWS - at an alarming rate), and she was checking out the electronics and sees this ginormous teevee priced at $75...with an orange tag.
And I had only filled one of my green bags.

I should mention here that Josh is extremely nearsighted, but he will not tolerate anything on his face or head. No glasses, even with straps. Not happenin'.
And he watches a lot of teevee, because, you know, wheelchair, no walking, no talking, limbs that do not work properly, etc etc. And he's been watching on a 17" flat screen, squinting a lot.

So we scored this monstrosity for FIVE DOLLARS AND NINETY-FIVE CENTS PLUS TAX.
I'm pretty sure you could see it from the moon. It weighs approximately 47,000 pounds and it took me, my dad, my brother, and a dolly to get it from the car to the house - with several bashed knuckles, pulled shoulder and back muscles, and sore arms.

But Joshua will be able to see Scooby Doo in nearly life-size form:
That is, as long as his poor dresser holds up. I'm having my doubts about that.
It looks smaller in this picture than it is in real life. Of course, a lot of you people probably have those big ol' flat screen tvs, but we're used to a smaller scale. And it's not a "flat screen"...from front to back it's about 25 inches.
Did I mention it weighs about eleventy-three tons?

FIVE DOLLARS AND NINETY-FIVE CENTS, suckers.
YEAH.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Make it Cyber ThursdayFridaySaturdaySundayMonday shopping!

*Annoying advertising because I NEED MONEY*



Support small business! (especially my family's!)
Lots of items NEW WITH TAGS! If you love the fun and intensity of auction bidding - we've got you covered! If you are impatient and want it RIGHT NOW - we've got that for you too! You can also make me a BEST OFFER!
Suits, shoes, skirts, dresses, coats, jackets, jeans, formal gowns, dress pants, sweaters, handbags, belts, and even some sweaters, shirts, and sport coats for the menfolk!

Be sure not to miss out-visit ALL THREE SITES to find the best deals. 

**Bonus: I will combine shipping across all three sites - just drop me a line to let me know you're still shopping! Shipping will be charged by total weight, according to USPS prices.
Just a taste of what you can get (at 80-90% OFF RETAIL!):

NEW DIANE VON FURSTENBERG DVF 2Pc Chiffon Silk BENEDETTA Cami & Flutter Top 2


NWT $150 EST 1887 Mens Odor Control Heather Gray Crew Neck Silver Tee Shirt S


NWT BIANCA Chic Textured Topstitch ARIELLE Tailored Long Jacket Skirt Suit 8 10



CALVIN KLEIN Soft Dark Brown Suede Wedge Heel Tall Fashion SOLEDAD Boots 9 M


MICHAEL KORS Navy Pebbled Leather Logo EAST WEST FULTON Tote Bag Purse Satchel

NWT $238 SKEA Paris Vail CAFE Brown Snowboard Ski BRIGITTE Stirrup Pants 6

KORS by Michael Kors Italy Satiny Black Peacoat Chic Jacket 8