WTF is wrong with you people?

Apparently someone thinks I'm funny.
*I* think you just enjoy laughing AT me.

What the hell, as long as you're here, you might as well go VOTE FOR ME.
Not that I'll win. Also, is there a prize? I don't want to win if there's no prize.

Sort of like the BoB (NO, I'm talking about Best of Blogs awards, not Battery Operated Boyfriend awards, which, by the way, would totally be won by me and my BOB which I recently received from Eden Fantasy, is all I'm saying)... ANYWAY I won a BoB award a couple years ago AND NEVER EVER EVER EVER GOT THE ADVERTISED PRIZE.
NEVER.
STILL.
TO THIS DAY.
EVEN AFTER I BROUGHT IT TO THEIR ATTENTION ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.

But I'm not bitter.

Dear Dad: THANKS for, you know, everything.

Dear Ol' Dad's Day is JUST AROUND THE CORNER -- I don't know about you but I struggle EVERY year to find a Father's Day gift for My Two Dads (YES, I have TWO so I am DOUBLE LUCKY!)...both of whom already have everything.

Okay, maybe not EVERYTHING, but everything they WANT, you know? I have one dad who has practically non-existent needs because if he wants something, he just gets it. Come to think of it, a lot of guys I know are JUST LIKE THAT *coughJECKLEScough*.
My other dad just says "NOTHING. I NEED NOTHING" whenever one of us tries to probe for information.

SO FRUSTRATING.

So in retaliation I usually just call them with a "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY and I'M THE BEST GIFT YOU COULD EVER GET AND YOU'VE ALREADY GOT ONE OF THOSE!".

Shut up. I AM A GREAT GIFT TO HUMANITY.

Anyway. Mom Central has proved to be a HUGE help this year with the Father's Day Gift Guide!
BBQ Grill tools, tents, imported beer steins, Norelco razors, books, cameras -- you can find something there to fit your budget! They have gift suggestions from UNDER $25 if you're a cheap bastard like me to OVER $100.
THIS IS A MOST FANTASTIC IDEA.

Also? WIN FREE STUFF.
We all know how much I LOVE the free stuff. And the winning of it.

So hurry up and head over to Mom Central's Father's Day Gift Guide... do your shopping for Daddy-O AND register so you can enter to win FREEEEEE GIIIIIIFTS.
Srsly.
You can thank me later in the form of chocolates and french kisses.

You can't say you weren't warned.

Dear Any Family Member Who Reads This:

WARNING!
There is a product review of an adult-type nature coming soon.
Shield yourself.
STAY AWAY. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
Seriously. I mean it. Otherwise I won't be able to look you in the face.

Okay? We good?
Great.
Thanks.

Love and kisses,
Me.

Because my life IS a reality show.

Working on the pilot episode of "Real Housewives of The Trailer Park".

She doesn't have to PLAY dumb.

Dear Jessica Alba:

Three things.
1. Thanks for vandalizing Oklahoma City with PICTURES OF SHARKS. And the UNITED WAY billboard? Seriously?
2. OKLAHOMA IS LANDLOCKED. We have no oceans with sharks, so what was the fucking point?
3. Celebrities should be fined and jailed just like anyone else.

OH and PS: MORON.

Sincerely,
Someone who's never been a fan especially after the Fantastic Four because OHEMGEE you sucked and really, so did both movies.

Lost In Translation

What I said: "I'm sure it was a really tough situation and you handled it the best way you could."

What I meant: "STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY AND GROW A PAIR! What are you, a GIRL?"

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What I said: "I'm really sorry to hear that! It must be hard."

What I meant: "STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC with your every single thought! Also who CARES?"

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What I said: "That never gets old!"

What I meant: "PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE YOU TELL THAT STORY AGAIN FOR THE FORTY-ELEVENTH TIME."

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What I said: "Sure, that sounds like fun!"

What I meant: "DAMMIT, why couldn't I think of an excuse faster??"

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What I said: "How interesting!"

What I meant: "I wish I had a gun with which to shoot myself in the leg, just to have something to do that would KEEP ME AWAKE."

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What I said: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

What I meant: "Seriously, SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE."

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This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Now carry on with your lives, citizens.