Showing posts with label BlogHer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BlogHer. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Because sometimes Life Sucks And Then You...Don't Get To Go To BlogHer
Due to a series of bad-luck and bad-timing circumstances beyond my control (far too long and boring to go into right now), I've had to cancel my trip to BlogHer NYC.
My heart hurts.
I've never been to New York and so of course I'm extremely disappointed about that, but mostly I am sad over the fact that I will not get to spend this tiny but essential bit of time with my friends - some of whom I was (anticipating with great delight) going to meet face-to-face for the first time.
Don't you hate it when Real Life gets in the way?
(P.S. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND ME SOME SWAG. I love that stuff.)
My heart hurts.
I've never been to New York and so of course I'm extremely disappointed about that, but mostly I am sad over the fact that I will not get to spend this tiny but essential bit of time with my friends - some of whom I was (anticipating with great delight) going to meet face-to-face for the first time.
Don't you hate it when Real Life gets in the way?
(P.S. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND ME SOME SWAG. I love that stuff.)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Where's akaMonty?
Let's play a game!
As previously mentioned, I will be traveling to BlogHer '10 wearing this:
And I will be coming from Will Rogers Airport & landing at LaGuardia, via changeover at DFW.
You can find me here Thursday night:
And remember...
The game is... come and find me. You will receive the prize of one hug. Or handshake. Or smooch if you're someone I think will let me smooch them. I have breath mints.
WELL HELL I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A GOOD GAME.
Also it has the crappiest prizes ever. But WTF THEY ARE FREE SO SHUT IT.
That is all.
Have a day.
As previously mentioned, I will be traveling to BlogHer '10 wearing this:
And I will be coming from Will Rogers Airport & landing at LaGuardia, via changeover at DFW.
You can find me here Thursday night:
 |
| FIND ME! |
And remember...
 |
| THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. |
The game is... come and find me. You will receive the prize of one hug. Or handshake. Or smooch if you're someone I think will let me smooch them. I have breath mints.
WELL HELL I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A GOOD GAME.
Also it has the crappiest prizes ever. But WTF THEY ARE FREE SO SHUT IT.
That is all.
Have a day.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Forget Foursquare: How to find me in The NYC.
It actually comes in handy... my first one was for San Francisco a couple years ago, and to my great good fortune I was spotted by Schmutzie and she was my very first blogger contact in SFO.
She is beautiful and delightful and brainy and I was so so so glad to connect with her in the airport! Together we found our way to a shuttle and to the hotel and 2 years later I still think she is totally ginchy. <3
So if you are in an airport or on a shuttle bus or in a taxi on your way to New York City next month and you see the chubby lady with (lots and lots and lots of) "laugh lines" wearing this shirt, PLEASE COME TALK TO ME.
PLEASE.
For reals.
As BlogHer '10 creeps closer every day at the speed of light ...well, I have mixed emotions about it.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE going. I love almost everything about it: I love renewing friendships, spending time with people I adore but only get to be with once a year, meeting many blog-pals in person AT LAST... I love the swag, I love the awesome meals... I love the topics and the speakers and of course all of the people who work so hard every year to make BlogHer a success. I love visiting cities to which I've never been, seeing sights I've never seen, eating food (like my first attempt at sushi in San Francisco with Fausta, Mamacita, and Kimberly!) that I've never eaten...smooching Karl (don't be hatin' because you're jealous).
But if you truly know the real me then you're aware of one of my biggest secrets: I. Am. Painfully. Shy.
In fact, my first experience at a BlogHer conference was as a speaker on this very topic.
My online self, while it is totally real and completely me, is also much braver about "speaking up and speaking out".
My online self doesn't hesitate to type what I might only THINK in the "real" world for fear of embarrassment or a joke that falls flat or a reference that no one gets.
On the other hand...
My offline self does not go out of her way to avoid confrontation, but she is somewhat more tactful and more hesitant to speak up and out.
My offline self is shy.
My offline self is cursed with incredibly low self esteem and wonders why anyone would possibly want to be around her.
My offline self hangs on the fringes of the groups for fear of being thought too pushy, or too loud, or too TOO.
My offline self is envious that she is not more of a joiner and doesn't get the "cool" party invitations... although she'd probably be too shy to go anyway. MAYBE.
My offline self is currently suffering anxiety at the thought of the crowds and the people and the cliques and the groups of friends to which I long to belong.
I only remind you of all these things so that if you recognize me at BlogHer and I do not speak or return your wave, it's only because I was busy looking at my feet or the ground and I didn't see you, or there was so much noise that I didn't hear you.
It's only because I tend to freeze up with the pressure.
But once you get to know me? Well, I am at least somewhat likeable.
Or so people tell me.
If you're desperate for friends I mean.
Unless of course you LOATHE me online, then you will also most likely loathe me in person.
Just know that I am DYING to talk to you.
And all my misanthropic tendencies will be carefully put away until I get back home.
Promise.
Monday, February 08, 2010
NEW YORK! NEW YORK!
It seems like Blogher ’09 was just yesterday, but I can’t believe that we are all making plans for BlogHer 2010 already! Last year was the best – the sessions were informative, the networking was great, the parties were fun, but the best part was that my fiends (no, that is not a typo), @jamimiami, @fabgirl & @pprlisa, came along for the ride. Of course, they laid in bed, shopped, ate and drank while SOME of us were learning, but it was great to hang out with them at night at the parties.
We met and re-met so many great people and had so much fun at the parties – but no reminiscing of BlogHer 2009 can be complete without mention of Karl Erikson’s karaoke version of “You Can Leave Your Hat on” with back up from @jennyonthespot (Who we call Vanilla Ice for her later performance). For some of us *koff@pprlisakoff*, it was the highlight of the entire weekend.
Besides my quick recap of last year’s event, I kept meaning to do some reviews of the awesome products I got at the Expo, because it has to be THE best expo of any conference I have ever attended. But since I am busy (READ: lazy), I never got around to it. Which, really, is pretty much the story of my life.
So in the interest of MAKING THINGS PERFECTLY CLEAR...
Some upcoming posts will highlight my experience with the products I liked best from the BlogHer 2009 expo and NO ONE IS COMPENSATING ME IN ANY WAY FOR ANYTHING. It is simply a blatant (AND! TRANSPARENT! BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ALL LOVE THAT WORD!) attempt to draw attention to myself so that maybe some company will be all HEY WEAR MY T-SHIRT AND I WILL BUY YOUR PLANE TICKET TO BLOGHER '10! and I will be all OKAY! DEAL! HOW ABOUT SOME FAKE TATS TO HAND OUT BECAUSE COOL! and then they can be all GREAT IDEA! I LOVE IT! YOU'RE THE BEST! I'LL PAY FOR YOUR HOTEL ROOM TOO!
Shut up, it could happen.
P.S. Parts of this post may or may not have been ghost written because I am JUST THAT BUSY AND IMPORTANT, y'all.
We met and re-met so many great people and had so much fun at the parties – but no reminiscing of BlogHer 2009 can be complete without mention of Karl Erikson’s karaoke version of “You Can Leave Your Hat on” with back up from @jennyonthespot (Who we call Vanilla Ice for her later performance). For some of us *koff@pprlisakoff*, it was the highlight of the entire weekend.
Besides my quick recap of last year’s event, I kept meaning to do some reviews of the awesome products I got at the Expo, because it has to be THE best expo of any conference I have ever attended. But since I am busy (READ: lazy), I never got around to it. Which, really, is pretty much the story of my life.
So in the interest of MAKING THINGS PERFECTLY CLEAR...
Some upcoming posts will highlight my experience with the products I liked best from the BlogHer 2009 expo and NO ONE IS COMPENSATING ME IN ANY WAY FOR ANYTHING. It is simply a blatant (AND! TRANSPARENT! BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ALL LOVE THAT WORD!) attempt to draw attention to myself so that maybe some company will be all HEY WEAR MY T-SHIRT AND I WILL BUY YOUR PLANE TICKET TO BLOGHER '10! and I will be all OKAY! DEAL! HOW ABOUT SOME FAKE TATS TO HAND OUT BECAUSE COOL! and then they can be all GREAT IDEA! I LOVE IT! YOU'RE THE BEST! I'LL PAY FOR YOUR HOTEL ROOM TOO!
Shut up, it could happen.
P.S. Parts of this post may or may not have been ghost written because I am JUST THAT BUSY AND IMPORTANT, y'all.
Monday, February 01, 2010
The "L" Word(s) (#BlogHer5)
I attended my first ever BlogHer conference two years ago, and I was honored to speak on a panel there. I can only hope that someone who may have needed to hear what I had to say managed to find some comfort, some benefit.
It was one of the best weekends of my life, on so many levels.
Also? First time ever in San Francisco!
Then last year, due to the beautiful and fabulous women of Blogher who managed to find a task for me, AND the extremely generous hearts of some BFFs, I was lucky enough to be able to attend again last year.
ANOTHER best weekend of my whole life.
Also? First time ever in Chicago!
THIS summer I'm hoping to attend BlogHer '10.
Also? It'll be my first time ever in New York City!
So they're holding a 5th Anniversary BlogHer Contest for free passes to the conference... perhaps they'll draw my name. Or perhaps they'll assign me a task, because I am always willing to WORK FOR FOOD OR BLOGHER.
I'm choosing to "Define BlogHer In Five Words".
I'm also choosing only "L" words.
Laughter: I laughed until I cried (and nearly peed my pants) more times than I can count - sometimes in sessions, sometimes with just-met friends, sometimes with long-time friends. It was healing, it was beautiful, it was fantastic.
Learning: With so many brilliant and accomplished women surrounding me, how could I NOT learn something? I didn't even have to try, I only had to listen to their stories.
Longevity: BlogHer will be around much longer than I am - it has grown larger and more wonderful, more inclusive, every year. Also? Many of the deepest friendships I have were grown from BlogHer seeds.
Life Support: Finding women who really do understand where I've been, what I've lived... it's priceless. Being able to turn to these people and ask for help, ask for a shoulder, ask for a hug... I've been propped up in so many ways by what I've read and heard and experienced from these amazing BlogHer women (and BlogHims, too!)
Liquor
Lush
Lucid
OH YEAH...
Love: I got it, I gave it, I was enveloped in it.
Thanks, BlogHer.
It was one of the best weekends of my life, on so many levels.
Also? First time ever in San Francisco!
Then last year, due to the beautiful and fabulous women of Blogher who managed to find a task for me, AND the extremely generous hearts of some BFFs, I was lucky enough to be able to attend again last year.
ANOTHER best weekend of my whole life.
Also? First time ever in Chicago!
THIS summer I'm hoping to attend BlogHer '10.
Also? It'll be my first time ever in New York City!
So they're holding a 5th Anniversary BlogHer Contest for free passes to the conference... perhaps they'll draw my name. Or perhaps they'll assign me a task, because I am always willing to WORK FOR FOOD OR BLOGHER.
I'm choosing to "Define BlogHer In Five Words".
I'm also choosing only "L" words.
Laughter: I laughed until I cried (and nearly peed my pants) more times than I can count - sometimes in sessions, sometimes with just-met friends, sometimes with long-time friends. It was healing, it was beautiful, it was fantastic.
Learning: With so many brilliant and accomplished women surrounding me, how could I NOT learn something? I didn't even have to try, I only had to listen to their stories.
Longevity: BlogHer will be around much longer than I am - it has grown larger and more wonderful, more inclusive, every year. Also? Many of the deepest friendships I have were grown from BlogHer seeds.
Life Support: Finding women who really do understand where I've been, what I've lived... it's priceless. Being able to turn to these people and ask for help, ask for a shoulder, ask for a hug... I've been propped up in so many ways by what I've read and heard and experienced from these amazing BlogHer women (and BlogHims, too!)
OH YEAH...
Love: I got it, I gave it, I was enveloped in it.
Thanks, BlogHer.
Monday, January 18, 2010
DAMMIT.
I haven't gotten on ANY Mom Central blog tours in a looooong time.
Remember when I used to have LOTS of stuff to review?
Good times.
I guess I have to blog so they will LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!!
Dear ANY COMPANY WHO WANTS SOME ADVERTISEMENT:
Please sponsor me for BLOGHER this year... because I'm really really really really tired of all the same old "Popular" crowd getting all the goods (yeah MAYTAG I'm lookin' at YOU).
I need $$ to get me to BlogHer (NEW YORK CITY, BABY! I've never been there!)and in return I will add you to my business cards, wear your clothing, give out bumper stickers or luggage tags or lapel pins (or Mini-B.O.B.s! WOO) with both our names or logos or websites.
COME ON. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
I haven't gotten on ANY Mom Central blog tours in a looooong time.
Remember when I used to have LOTS of stuff to review?
Good times.
I guess I have to blog so they will LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!!
Dear ANY COMPANY WHO WANTS SOME ADVERTISEMENT:
Please sponsor me for BLOGHER this year... because I'm really really really really tired of all the same old "Popular" crowd getting all the goods (yeah MAYTAG I'm lookin' at YOU).
I need $$ to get me to BlogHer (NEW YORK CITY, BABY! I've never been there!)and in return I will add you to my business cards, wear your clothing, give out bumper stickers or luggage tags or lapel pins (or Mini-B.O.B.s! WOO) with both our names or logos or websites.
COME ON. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
Friday, September 04, 2009
My Little Contribution
WOO! All the audio files for each session from BlogHer Chicago '09 are posted for your listening pleasure!
And if you listen carefully to the intros, you just might hear a familiar voice.
CHECK THEM OUT!
And if you listen carefully to the intros, you just might hear a familiar voice.
CHECK THEM OUT!
Saturday, August 08, 2009
On BlogHer...
Once again I missed out on the "big ticket" swag: the mini vibrators, the crocs and the cameras and the flips and the free road trip in a new car and blahblahblah.
I also missed out on all the "By Invitation Only" parties because, well, I was not one of the inviteeeeeees. (And seriously those types of parties seem to be EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT BLOGHER IS ALL ABOUT and I'm not even saying that out of bitterness. Mostly. But it irks the everlovin' SHIT out of me to hear people whining that "their party was CRASHED". Um, crash THIS, snotface)
I don't care though. I got lots of greenworks laundry detergent and awesome Bounce dryer bars (HELLO, SINGLE MOM ON A BUDGET, THIS SHIT IS PRICELESS TO ME), I got fun stuff for my kids like a book light (FYI PBS my daughter says COOL, THANKS!), stickers and coloring books for my niece, I found some delicious new (IZZE!) bubbly tasty Clementine-flavored juice, I got flash drives (YESSSSS! SCORE!) and I even won a set of 30th Anniversary Ty Teeny Beanie Babies AND $50 Arch card from McDonalds.
And tons of other things. And all the stuff I took? I'll use. The coupons, the Mary Kay lip gloss and the Eucerin lotion. It won't go to waste. If it was swag that I knew I'd never have a use for, I skipped it. To do otherwise is...how can I put this... oh yeah, STUPID AND GREEDY AND SELFISH.
If you're one of the greedy fuckheads that knocked people down just to get some free shit that you'll have forgotten about in a week, then SHAME ON YOU. I trust karma will be paying you a niiiiiiice visit soon. *fingers crossed!*
Speaking of swag and other free stuff...when did people become so jaded and entitled that it's become de rigeur to COMPLAIN about it? Seriously? IT'S FUCKING FREE.
It's SOMETHING MORE than you had before.
If you don't like it or won't use it, here's a tip: DON'T TAKE IT.
People bitched and moaned about THIS sponsor's giveaways or THAT sponsor's goodies. They bitched when they got A FREE RIDE TO BLOGHER IN A BRAND NEW CAR. They bitched about the quality of the FREE LUNCH (which HEY, RAGU, YUM! I loved it! And our waiter was THE SHIZZZZ!).
Seems to be a recurring theme every year.
I will never understand that.
What people seem to be forgetting is that it takes a WHOLE LOT of people doing a WHOLE LOT of work during the entire year to put a huge conference like this together. I'm sure they have to make compromises for the Greater Good (the greater good being US, of course, because THAT IS WHY THEY DO ALL THE WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE). And for you to act like ignorant, greedy, whiny ASSCLAMS is one of the most disrespectful things I've ever seen.
All that aside, I had THE! BEST! TIME! EVER! I stayed away from the aforementioned types. I tried to stay in the Drama-Free zone I created for myself. I went to the panels that I was really interested in - they were fantastic. I reconnected with my sweet Mamacita and Fausta, I got to kiss Karl and hug Neil, I re-met GeekMommy and SendChocolate and then I got acquainted face to face with Califmom, Twincident, EmmieJ, AnnieMal, Kelby, MissBritt, the notorious Avitable, and TasteLikeCrazy (and P.S. she DOES).
(DON'T get your feelings hurt if I didn't mention you -- I'm OLD and my memory has more holes than good swiss cheese and you KNOW I adore you and if you don't KNOW that then maybe it's only because I don't really like you at all. But I digress. And I hate that you made me say "I digress" which is second only to "monetize" in the category "Stuff I HATE TO SEE WRITTEN ON BLOGS BECAUSE IT IS SO OVERUSED")
One of the best parts though was having @pprlisa, @jamimiami, and @fabgirl there.
They signed up for LobbyCon to join in the fun. And I didn't even miss those "Invite Only" bashes because I was laughing too much with My Entourage.
THANK YOU LADIES OF BLOGHER for allowing me to volunteer for the conference so that I was able to attend -- otherwise I wouldn't have been there. Thank you for the hard work. Thank you for rounding up the sponsors. Thank you for this great event.
The greedy whiny assclams? Can suck my dick.
That is all.
Have a day.
P.S. NO ONE PAID ME TO SAY ANY OF THAT STUFF OR GAVE ME ANY RECOMPENSE FOR ANY LINKS, IT IS SIMPLY A THANK YOU TO JUST A VERY FEW OF THE SPONSORS WHO HELPED MAKE BLOGHER 09 POSSIBLE - THEY DID A GREAT JOB AND MY MAMA RAISED ME TO BE POLITE AND APPRECIATE WHAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN AND ALWAYS THANK THE HOST/HOSTESS. IT'S JUST GOOD MANNERS.
I also missed out on all the "By Invitation Only" parties because, well, I was not one of the inviteeeeeees. (And seriously those types of parties seem to be EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT BLOGHER IS ALL ABOUT and I'm not even saying that out of bitterness. Mostly. But it irks the everlovin' SHIT out of me to hear people whining that "their party was CRASHED". Um, crash THIS, snotface)
I don't care though. I got lots of greenworks laundry detergent and awesome Bounce dryer bars (HELLO, SINGLE MOM ON A BUDGET, THIS SHIT IS PRICELESS TO ME), I got fun stuff for my kids like a book light (FYI PBS my daughter says COOL, THANKS!), stickers and coloring books for my niece, I found some delicious new (IZZE!) bubbly tasty Clementine-flavored juice, I got flash drives (YESSSSS! SCORE!) and I even won a set of 30th Anniversary Ty Teeny Beanie Babies AND $50 Arch card from McDonalds.
And tons of other things. And all the stuff I took? I'll use. The coupons, the Mary Kay lip gloss and the Eucerin lotion. It won't go to waste. If it was swag that I knew I'd never have a use for, I skipped it. To do otherwise is...how can I put this... oh yeah, STUPID AND GREEDY AND SELFISH.
If you're one of the greedy fuckheads that knocked people down just to get some free shit that you'll have forgotten about in a week, then SHAME ON YOU. I trust karma will be paying you a niiiiiiice visit soon. *fingers crossed!*
Speaking of swag and other free stuff...when did people become so jaded and entitled that it's become de rigeur to COMPLAIN about it? Seriously? IT'S FUCKING FREE.
It's SOMETHING MORE than you had before.
If you don't like it or won't use it, here's a tip: DON'T TAKE IT.
People bitched and moaned about THIS sponsor's giveaways or THAT sponsor's goodies. They bitched when they got A FREE RIDE TO BLOGHER IN A BRAND NEW CAR. They bitched about the quality of the FREE LUNCH (which HEY, RAGU, YUM! I loved it! And our waiter was THE SHIZZZZ!).
Seems to be a recurring theme every year.
I will never understand that.
What people seem to be forgetting is that it takes a WHOLE LOT of people doing a WHOLE LOT of work during the entire year to put a huge conference like this together. I'm sure they have to make compromises for the Greater Good (the greater good being US, of course, because THAT IS WHY THEY DO ALL THE WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE). And for you to act like ignorant, greedy, whiny ASSCLAMS is one of the most disrespectful things I've ever seen.
All that aside, I had THE! BEST! TIME! EVER! I stayed away from the aforementioned types. I tried to stay in the Drama-Free zone I created for myself. I went to the panels that I was really interested in - they were fantastic. I reconnected with my sweet Mamacita and Fausta, I got to kiss Karl and hug Neil, I re-met GeekMommy and SendChocolate and then I got acquainted face to face with Califmom, Twincident, EmmieJ, AnnieMal, Kelby, MissBritt, the notorious Avitable, and TasteLikeCrazy (and P.S. she DOES).
(DON'T get your feelings hurt if I didn't mention you -- I'm OLD and my memory has more holes than good swiss cheese and you KNOW I adore you and if you don't KNOW that then maybe it's only because I don't really like you at all. But I digress. And I hate that you made me say "I digress" which is second only to "monetize" in the category "Stuff I HATE TO SEE WRITTEN ON BLOGS BECAUSE IT IS SO OVERUSED")
One of the best parts though was having @pprlisa, @jamimiami, and @fabgirl there.
They signed up for LobbyCon to join in the fun. And I didn't even miss those "Invite Only" bashes because I was laughing too much with My Entourage.THANK YOU LADIES OF BLOGHER for allowing me to volunteer for the conference so that I was able to attend -- otherwise I wouldn't have been there. Thank you for the hard work. Thank you for rounding up the sponsors. Thank you for this great event.
The greedy whiny assclams? Can suck my dick.
That is all.
Have a day.
P.S. NO ONE PAID ME TO SAY ANY OF THAT STUFF OR GAVE ME ANY RECOMPENSE FOR ANY LINKS, IT IS SIMPLY A THANK YOU TO JUST A VERY FEW OF THE SPONSORS WHO HELPED MAKE BLOGHER 09 POSSIBLE - THEY DID A GREAT JOB AND MY MAMA RAISED ME TO BE POLITE AND APPRECIATE WHAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN AND ALWAYS THANK THE HOST/HOSTESS. IT'S JUST GOOD MANNERS.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Flying The Friendly Skies
Okay, the last post was about Amtrak and my trip TO Chicago for BlogHer 09. THIS one is about my trip HOME from Chicago -- I'm saving the In-Between until some of the furor dies down; everyone is doing recaps and frankly I HAVE THINGS TO SAY and I don't want them to get lost in everyone else's bitching because you KNOW that MY bitching takes precedence because let's face it, I have the experience as a Professional Bitcher. Look, it's MY BLOG NAME for crap's sake.
ANYWAY.
Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Northwest Airlines for making my trip home from Chicago a most excellent one--especially since this was my first time on Northwest.
**DISCLAIMER: No one at Northwest Airlines has paid me in goods or actual money to say nice things, this is just KUDOS FOR A GREAT CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE and FOR ALL I KNOW they do not want me to associate myself with them.
Also does it count as joining the Mile High club if you only have your B.O.B.?
I'm just asking.
For research purposes.
Yeah.
So I go to O'Hare almost 3 hours before my flight, because I shared a cab with these two crazy ladies (HI FabGirl's mom!)...and when I got to the counter the lady said that my flight was in DELAYED status.
No problemo, though, she got me on an earlier flight.
And when I got to the boarding area, I noticed something even more important:
UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS.
So maybe that's not a big deal for you. Maybe you only fly first class.
But for me? MY FIRST TIME.
It was EXCITING! I felt a little like a celebrity.
Naturally I was a total tyrant and ordered the flight attendants around, but I could tell they REALLY truly liked their nicknames HEY GIRL and YOU THERE.
I was pampered with hot towels, free drinks, tons of leg room, FINALLY enough seat room for my wide-load ass, and a delish Cobb salad for lunch. I SO wanted to hold up my tray and look around the divider curtain and go HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE COACH LOSERS!
AND.
Our attendant, Jerome Miller, was THE SHIZZZZZ. He was so cute and sweet and attentive and NICE, I wanted to just take him home with me.
(HI JEROME!!!)
Also he appreciated my good attitude (SHUT UP I CAN BE NICE WHEN I WANT TO I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO MOST OF THE TIME)(Also sorry if that caused you to have a small stroke but I SWEAR I was being on My Best Behavior).
Also ALSO I sat next to this guy who was a pilot for that airline and MAN OH MAN did he have the SEXIEST ARMS EVAR. He was quite handsome.
And has a girlfriend which sucked and had I known that in the beginning I would totally not have spent so much time talking to him.
KIDDING.
He was nice. And funny. And smart.
And the guy sitting in front of me was ALSO a pilot - I was all DID THEY BRING SPARES? WHAT? - and he was SUCH a Silver Fox.
Northwest Airlines definitely has the yummiest pilots I've ever seen.
Too bad I didn't get a peek into the cock...pit.
Is all I'm saying.
HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, *I'M* NOT THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE NAME.
ANYWAY.
Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Northwest Airlines for making my trip home from Chicago a most excellent one--especially since this was my first time on Northwest.
**DISCLAIMER: No one at Northwest Airlines has paid me in goods or actual money to say nice things, this is just KUDOS FOR A GREAT CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE and FOR ALL I KNOW they do not want me to associate myself with them.
Also does it count as joining the Mile High club if you only have your B.O.B.?
I'm just asking.
For research purposes.
Yeah.
So I go to O'Hare almost 3 hours before my flight, because I shared a cab with these two crazy ladies (HI FabGirl's mom!)...and when I got to the counter the lady said that my flight was in DELAYED status.
No problemo, though, she got me on an earlier flight.
And when I got to the boarding area, I noticed something even more important:
UPGRADED TO FIRST CLASS.
So maybe that's not a big deal for you. Maybe you only fly first class.
But for me? MY FIRST TIME.
It was EXCITING! I felt a little like a celebrity.
Naturally I was a total tyrant and ordered the flight attendants around, but I could tell they REALLY truly liked their nicknames HEY GIRL and YOU THERE.
I was pampered with hot towels, free drinks, tons of leg room, FINALLY enough seat room for my wide-load ass, and a delish Cobb salad for lunch. I SO wanted to hold up my tray and look around the divider curtain and go HAHAHA IN YOUR FACE COACH LOSERS!
AND.
Our attendant, Jerome Miller, was THE SHIZZZZZ. He was so cute and sweet and attentive and NICE, I wanted to just take him home with me.
(HI JEROME!!!)
Also he appreciated my good attitude (SHUT UP I CAN BE NICE WHEN I WANT TO I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO MOST OF THE TIME)(Also sorry if that caused you to have a small stroke but I SWEAR I was being on My Best Behavior).
Also ALSO I sat next to this guy who was a pilot for that airline and MAN OH MAN did he have the SEXIEST ARMS EVAR. He was quite handsome.
And has a girlfriend which sucked and had I known that in the beginning I would totally not have spent so much time talking to him.
KIDDING.
He was nice. And funny. And smart.
And the guy sitting in front of me was ALSO a pilot - I was all DID THEY BRING SPARES? WHAT? - and he was SUCH a Silver Fox.
Northwest Airlines definitely has the yummiest pilots I've ever seen.
Too bad I didn't get a peek into the cock...pit.
Is all I'm saying.
HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, *I'M* NOT THE ONE WHO CAME UP WITH THE NAME.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tweets I'd Have Tweeted If Amtrak Had Wifi...
...or Observations From An Amtrak Virgin.
first of all, CHICAGO BABY!
I was lucky enough to work as a volunteer at BlogHer this year, and I decided to take the train from Dallas to Chicago. 22 hours on a train - with no-one asking me for food or drink or play time or 'where's my pink shirt?' or 'Can I go.....'?
Actually for the most part it was pretty awesome.
Except for the crying babies.
And bratty kids.
And the chick who actually PICKED UP A DUDE on the train and spent all night talking and playing kissy-face with him in the seat next to me (NO I am not jealous at ALL so SHUT IT). Of course the next day by the time we arrived in Chicago he was sort of over it-- she was asking to see his driver's license and he was all "why you gotta ask such personal questions?"
Sometimes Strangers on A Train should stay that way.
BIG EPIC AMTRAK FAIL: No wi-fi.
HOW is that even possible in this day and age?
So I HAND WROTE IN A REAL PAPER JOURNAL (which is very gorgeous, by the way, deep red and a buttery soft suede-y cover and also a fabulous gift from the delightful de-lovely Mamacita)
"Things I Would Have Tweeted If Amtrak Had Wi-Fi".
I look and smell as though I slept on a train... you know, like a hobo.
Sorry, I mean home- and transportationally-challenged.
OH: this is like a circus train!
(well yeah, now that you've come aboard)
Also, lot of crazy people wave at trains.
Sorry, I mean sanity-challenged people.
I'm pretty sure this one couple had sex in the bathroom. What do you call that, the Mile Marker Club?
The amtrak employees on this trip are full of sigh.
Actually I think that Amtrak employees are more disgruntled than airline employees.
Perhaps the Amtrak employees are failed Stewardii.
Sorry, I meant Flight Attendants.
The observation car has really huge windows that are PERFECT for mooning people as they sit at the railroad crossings. Is all I'm saying.
OH: Boy: "Where are we?"
Grandma: "Lincoln, Illinois"
Boy: "Grandpa where are we?"
Grandpa: "LINCOLN, Illinois, now sssshhh."
Boy: "Where is this?"
ME: LINCOLN ILLINOIS YOU LITTLE BASTARD and WHY DO YOU CARE NOW SHUT UP!
(Okay, the last part was only in my head but I ALMOST said it out loud)
On a train, everyone walks like a drunk. Makes it harder to pick out my mark.
Thinking of having a t-shirt made that says "They're just fat, not fake" across the boobs.
first of all, CHICAGO BABY!
I was lucky enough to work as a volunteer at BlogHer this year, and I decided to take the train from Dallas to Chicago. 22 hours on a train - with no-one asking me for food or drink or play time or 'where's my pink shirt?' or 'Can I go.....'?
Actually for the most part it was pretty awesome.
Except for the crying babies.
And bratty kids.
And the chick who actually PICKED UP A DUDE on the train and spent all night talking and playing kissy-face with him in the seat next to me (NO I am not jealous at ALL so SHUT IT). Of course the next day by the time we arrived in Chicago he was sort of over it-- she was asking to see his driver's license and he was all "why you gotta ask such personal questions?"
Sometimes Strangers on A Train should stay that way.
BIG EPIC AMTRAK FAIL: No wi-fi.
HOW is that even possible in this day and age?
So I HAND WROTE IN A REAL PAPER JOURNAL (which is very gorgeous, by the way, deep red and a buttery soft suede-y cover and also a fabulous gift from the delightful de-lovely Mamacita)
"Things I Would Have Tweeted If Amtrak Had Wi-Fi".
I look and smell as though I slept on a train... you know, like a hobo.
Sorry, I mean home- and transportationally-challenged.
OH: this is like a circus train!
(well yeah, now that you've come aboard)
Also, lot of crazy people wave at trains.
Sorry, I mean sanity-challenged people.
I'm pretty sure this one couple had sex in the bathroom. What do you call that, the Mile Marker Club?
The amtrak employees on this trip are full of sigh.
Actually I think that Amtrak employees are more disgruntled than airline employees.
Perhaps the Amtrak employees are failed Stewardii.
Sorry, I meant Flight Attendants.
The observation car has really huge windows that are PERFECT for mooning people as they sit at the railroad crossings. Is all I'm saying.
OH: Boy: "Where are we?"
Grandma: "Lincoln, Illinois"
Boy: "Grandpa where are we?"
Grandpa: "LINCOLN, Illinois, now sssshhh."
Boy: "Where is this?"
ME: LINCOLN ILLINOIS YOU LITTLE BASTARD and WHY DO YOU CARE NOW SHUT UP!
(Okay, the last part was only in my head but I ALMOST said it out loud)
On a train, everyone walks like a drunk. Makes it harder to pick out my mark.
Thinking of having a t-shirt made that says "They're just fat, not fake" across the boobs.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Observations.
One of the things I like most about Twitter is that it teaches you how to convey a lot of info in a very small space.
Mommybloggers lost every ounce of humor (and respect) that they once possessed in their repeated bidsand subsequent failures to take over the internets.
I often think that the current Social Media fad will go the way of Work At Home Insurance Billing.
I am continually amazed when people come at me with their guns a-blazin' and then they're all SURPRISED when I don't take their shit.
HELLO, have you MET me? (internetally speaking, of course)
Obviously they've been getting away with their assholery for FAR too long and you other people need to stop avoiding confrontation and offer some smackdown. Seriously.
I can't do everything myself.
I've decided to update my Personals profile to be completely accurate and honest.
"Single mother of 14 year old twins. Supersized, blue eyes, nice smile only slightly marred by the scar on my lip.
Former (weak-willed) smoker, rare drinker, hate sloppy drunks and cheaters.
Hobbies include staying home and watching "reality" tv shows and emailing with my internet friends all evening, every evening.
I will most likely ignore you if I am working, emailing, reading, or watching TV, so please do not talk to me.
Do not ever, ever touch the remote unless I am not in residence at the time. Do not ask if I will change the TV.
Do not grope me if I am involved in one of the aforementioned activities or you will likely get headstabbed.
I like Monty Python, Steve Martin, and musicals.
I am lazy and do not clean or cook, that's why I have kids and why McDonalds & pizza were invented.
Did I mention that I am really lazy? Some people find this charming and quirky. At first.
I yell a lot when people get on my nerves, use foul language, and sometimes throw things at the wall. It would be your responsibility to get out of the way.
Also I have a brilliant personality, but don't hold your breath that you'll ever see it. It's reserved for special occasions only.
If interested, call me!"
I KNOW, I can't believe I'm still single EITHER!!
I AM GOING TO BLOGHER CHICAGO this summer!
If you're one of the (few) people I like and if you're going too, please email me so I can spend some time with you!
That is all.
Have a day.
Mommybloggers lost every ounce of humor (and respect) that they once possessed in their repeated bids
I often think that the current Social Media fad will go the way of Work At Home Insurance Billing.
I am continually amazed when people come at me with their guns a-blazin' and then they're all SURPRISED when I don't take their shit.
HELLO, have you MET me? (internetally speaking, of course)
Obviously they've been getting away with their assholery for FAR too long and you other people need to stop avoiding confrontation and offer some smackdown. Seriously.
I can't do everything myself.
I've decided to update my Personals profile to be completely accurate and honest.
"Single mother of 14 year old twins. Supersized, blue eyes, nice smile only slightly marred by the scar on my lip.
Former (weak-willed) smoker, rare drinker, hate sloppy drunks and cheaters.
Hobbies include staying home and watching "reality" tv shows and emailing with my internet friends all evening, every evening.
I will most likely ignore you if I am working, emailing, reading, or watching TV, so please do not talk to me.
Do not ever, ever touch the remote unless I am not in residence at the time. Do not ask if I will change the TV.
Do not grope me if I am involved in one of the aforementioned activities or you will likely get headstabbed.
I like Monty Python, Steve Martin, and musicals.
I am lazy and do not clean or cook, that's why I have kids and why McDonalds & pizza were invented.
Did I mention that I am really lazy? Some people find this charming and quirky. At first.
I yell a lot when people get on my nerves, use foul language, and sometimes throw things at the wall. It would be your responsibility to get out of the way.
Also I have a brilliant personality, but don't hold your breath that you'll ever see it. It's reserved for special occasions only.
If interested, call me!"
I KNOW, I can't believe I'm still single EITHER!!
I AM GOING TO BLOGHER CHICAGO this summer!
If you're one of the (few) people I like and if you're going too, please email me so I can spend some time with you!
That is all.
Have a day.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Bloggers do it with FLAIR
"You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair like your pretty boy Brian over there, why don't you make the MINIMUM 37 pieces of flair?" ~~Joanna, Office Space
Hey, I might not have the recommended 37 pieces of BlogHer flair, but I think this is enough to get me a job at TGIFriday's, don't you?
Hey, I might not have the recommended 37 pieces of BlogHer flair, but I think this is enough to get me a job at TGIFriday's, don't you?
Friday, July 25, 2008
Scrub-a Scrub-A Scrub-A
THE BATHROOM IS MY NEMESIS. Okay, I'm
So I was happy to be included in Mom Central's Scrubbing Bubbles blog tour.
For years and years (following
THEN! I got a chance to try the Scrubbing Bubbles Action Scrubber. I
Simple to use, no icky stuff that you have to touch. Just attach a scrubbing pad to the (very comfortable to use!) handle, and VOILA! Nice. Especially when you're...housekeeping challenged, like me.
And just to sweeten the deal, if you head over to the Scrubbing Bubbles site, THERE ARE COUPONS for the Action Scrubber (along with some of their other awesome products)!!
I'm sold. I've quit the powder cold-turkey. Once you go Action Scrubber, you'll never go back.Is all I'm saying.
OH and PS: My podcast makes EXCELLENT background noise by which to clean. Or so I've heard.
and now for something completely different...
I need to give a HUGE shout-out and THANK YOU SO MUCH to the wonderfully generous and fine folks at Six Apart Media (the people of Movable Type and Typepad).
I had the incredibly good fortune to meet some of the behind-the-scenes people at a fun (and SO CROWDED!) cocktail party whilst at BlogHer last week. They ROCK! When I decide to give in to peer pressure and move away from blogger.com, I'm definitely going to join their family.
AND THE BEST PART???
They drew my name to win an iPhone 3G!!!
It was the only thing I won in San Francisco - and it was one of the very best prizes EVER.
Thank you, Six Apart!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
A little bit beginning, a little bit end.
I don't plan to do a total BlogHer 08 recap - mostly because large portions are just a big blur.
NO, not because I was drunk or anything.
For the most part.
You remember my T-shirt for BlogHer, right?
I'm glad I had it! Because I was spotted by none other than the deliciously cute Schmutzie - and we were both traveling alone up until that point. Then we clung together like two shipwrecked souls on a single lifesaver (pep0mint flavor).
That was the beginning part.
Later that same day...
I touched Hilly's boobs several times.
It was truly an awesome experience.
I went out back with Kimberly. You know, lookin' for trouble and stuff.
I slept with Mamacita. Don't hate me because I'm slutty. You're just jealous.
And remind me to tell you later how I made out with Karl many, many times. Yeah, baby.
Plus also some other things. With other people.
And now, some pictures.
I know, it's like going to someone's house and having to sit through their vacation slides.
Shut it, you haven't even seen 'em yet. And plus mine are better anyways. (sorry for that 's' on the end, Mamacita! heeeheee)
So I went here on Sunday...
...because I heard that there were docks and I was hoping to pick up a sailor or two.
Unfortunately the fleet must've been out because they only had a few fishermen who didn't have a full set of teeth even added all together.
BUT! I found some EDUCATIONAL movies to watch:
Beats the hell out of PBS, I can tell you.
And since we can't afford even a state-run nursing home for Grandma, I found a way for Grandma to earn her keep, stop her from wandering off, AND provide housing for her!
I KNOW. Cool.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
If you behave yourselves, I MIGHT let you watch some more of my vacation slides later.
NO, not because I was drunk or anything.
For the most part.
You remember my T-shirt for BlogHer, right?
I'm glad I had it! Because I was spotted by none other than the deliciously cute Schmutzie - and we were both traveling alone up until that point. Then we clung together like two shipwrecked souls on a single lifesaver (pep0mint flavor).
That was the beginning part.
Later that same day...
I touched Hilly's boobs several times.
It was truly an awesome experience.
I went out back with Kimberly. You know, lookin' for trouble and stuff.
I slept with Mamacita. Don't hate me because I'm slutty. You're just jealous.
And remind me to tell you later how I made out with Karl many, many times. Yeah, baby.
Plus also some other things. With other people.
And now, some pictures.
I know, it's like going to someone's house and having to sit through their vacation slides.
Shut it, you haven't even seen 'em yet. And plus mine are better anyways. (sorry for that 's' on the end, Mamacita! heeeheee)
So I went here on Sunday...
...because I heard that there were docks and I was hoping to pick up a sailor or two.
Unfortunately the fleet must've been out because they only had a few fishermen who didn't have a full set of teeth even added all together.
BUT! I found some EDUCATIONAL movies to watch:
Beats the hell out of PBS, I can tell you.
And since we can't afford even a state-run nursing home for Grandma, I found a way for Grandma to earn her keep, stop her from wandering off, AND provide housing for her!
I KNOW. Cool.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
If you behave yourselves, I MIGHT let you watch some more of my vacation slides later.
Monday, July 21, 2008
That's every pair of shoes in the store, except for...
Yes, my favorite flipflops are grungy (but cute! pink with Blow Pops - yeah, I know, how appropriate, right?) and dirty and a little stinky, so I couldn't take them to BlogHer.
Okay, I could have, but...ew.
So I bought some new ones, with sparklies!
MIS.TAKE.
They really are The Cruel Shoes.
See?
And you know once they've had a taste of blood, there's no way to keep them from killing again. Mostly you have to put them down.
*sigh*
On the upside, at least one person of the male persuasion thought my polished toesies were hot.
"
'I LIKE THEM!'
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Leavin' on a jet plane
Oh. Em. Gee.
It's Sunday. I leave for BlogHer on THURSDAY. THURSDAY! I haven't got anything accomplished yet - except for a sassy new haircut (and an eyebrow wax - second one EVER - but we won't talk about that. Except BEAUTY TIP: Do NOT get your waxing done at SuperCuts. Is all I'm saying).
I've been feeling pretty nervous about the whole shebang, then I read THIS from Mamacita awhile ago and now I'm terrified.
Everything she said is exactly what I thought.
Did I mention that I'm lucky enough to room with Mamacita? And I was totally counting on her to talk me down off the ledge...
Plus also I know that a three or four of the "popular" Okie girls (okay, they don't follow me on twitter nor read my blog - I'm SO not the cool one) are going to be at BlogHer speaking on panels as well...and they intimidate me.
What if I see one of them in the airport? What if they pretend not to notice me?
More importantly... what if I recognize everyone and when I go try to speak to them, I get a bunch of blank looks?
What if NO ONE KNOWS ME?
I'm frightened.
Hold me.
If you want, you can all send me your flight itineraries - maybe some of you are ALSO connecting in Denver. Failing that, I just want to say one more thing:
If you are at an airport (or ANYWHERE ELSE, for that matter) and you see a woman looking utterly lost, dazed, terrified, and WEARING THIS SHIRT, come and give me a hug, won't you? Pretend like you know me.
and now for something completely different...
Guess what? My podcast finally broke into the Top 500 on podomatic.com, THANKS TO YOU! Check it out!
Also, the PODCAST of Friday Night Live featuring special guests (Podcast Beefcake)Tee Morris and Sex-Kitten/Librarian Philippa Ballantine is up and ready for your consumption!
That is all.
Have a day.
It's Sunday. I leave for BlogHer on THURSDAY. THURSDAY! I haven't got anything accomplished yet - except for a sassy new haircut (and an eyebrow wax - second one EVER - but we won't talk about that. Except BEAUTY TIP: Do NOT get your waxing done at SuperCuts. Is all I'm saying).
I've been feeling pretty nervous about the whole shebang, then I read THIS from Mamacita awhile ago and now I'm terrified.
Everything she said is exactly what I thought.
Did I mention that I'm lucky enough to room with Mamacita? And I was totally counting on her to talk me down off the ledge...
Plus also I know that a three or four of the "popular" Okie girls (okay, they don't follow me on twitter nor read my blog - I'm SO not the cool one) are going to be at BlogHer speaking on panels as well...and they intimidate me.
What if I see one of them in the airport? What if they pretend not to notice me?
More importantly... what if I recognize everyone and when I go try to speak to them, I get a bunch of blank looks?
What if NO ONE KNOWS ME?
I'm frightened.
Hold me.
If you want, you can all send me your flight itineraries - maybe some of you are ALSO connecting in Denver. Failing that, I just want to say one more thing:
If you are at an airport (or ANYWHERE ELSE, for that matter) and you see a woman looking utterly lost, dazed, terrified, and WEARING THIS SHIRT, come and give me a hug, won't you? Pretend like you know me.
and now for something completely different...
Guess what? My podcast finally broke into the Top 500 on podomatic.com, THANKS TO YOU! Check it out!
Also, the PODCAST of Friday Night Live featuring special guests (Podcast Beefcake)Tee Morris and Sex-Kitten/Librarian Philippa Ballantine is up and ready for your consumption!
That is all.
Have a day.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Sphincter Clenching Fear
So you may have already heard that 
!!
As over-the-moon excited as I am about going, I'm filled almost equally with ever-mounting anxiety.
I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought What the hell have I gotten myself into?
It will be fine. I know it will. I'm SURE of it.
But see, the panel on which I'm sitting is about introversion, blogging, and blogher.
There's a reason that I'm on that panel.
I'm shy.
I've TOLD you that before. Whenever I do one of those "Tell Me X Things About Yourself" memes, I tell you I'm shy. You never believe me.
But it's the solid truth.
Meeting new people?? UH UH. Not good.
I can do it - I was a hotel GM and I had to do grand openings and sales blitzes and introduce myself and be chatty and personable and OH EM GEE I CAN'T HANDLE IT...but I do - although it's a struggle.
The most frightening thing about BlogHer, I think, is going to be meeting you guys.
I KNOW, I know, that's what I WANT to do.
But see, here's the thing: it's not often that you meet new people who ALREADY KNOW YOUR INSIDES.
See?
You people already know most of my deepest fears, my failings and failures, my most embarrassing moments, my meanest thoughts, my worst actions.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
And have offered your opinions on them.
How could I possibly expect you to take me seriously, in the flesh?
You will all know FAR more about me than 3 days acquaintance would normally allow.
How am I supposed to look you in the face when you know how angry and resentful I've been? When I've confessed that I made a lesbian joke at my great-grandma's funeral?
How can I meet your eyes when I have told you I BURNT OUT THE MOTOR IN MY VIBRATOR?
I feel a little sick just now. Woozy, even.
I mean, it's not like meeting someone in person at like...a three day retreat and walking up and saying "Hi. I'm a single mom and my son's really, really disabled and sometimes I hate my life and sometimes I think other people should really not complain about all the wonderful things they have and sometimes I can't imagine making it through the day, let alone the next week, and sometimes I say things and people laugh and that's good, especially when I wasn't even trying to be funny and OH YEAH, I'm really poor and make lousy money but I love my job, and I worry about things all the time and I worry about people all the time and I'm fat and self-conscious and I really love to voice my opinions but only online where I don't have to see people and I do this radio show which is fun but again, I don't have to see anyone and my car is a piece of shit and......."
You guys already know that and SO.MUCH.MORE.
In here, buried in the internets, I can say just what I want, whenever I want, with few repercussions. The worst that could possibly happen is that someone could unfollow me on twitter, or UNblogroll me, or I could get the occasional troll or heated email.
Plus also? Here, if I tell a joke and it falls flat I don't have to see you trying not to roll your eyes. If I say something without thinking (OH DEAR GOD EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE), I don't have to watch your nose crinkle in distaste or a sneer curl the corner of your mouth. I don't have to read your body language to see that I may have crossed a line or gone too far or made you uncomfortable.
So yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to unclench until I'm safely back home again...or unless you guys can get me really, really drunk.
!!As over-the-moon excited as I am about going, I'm filled almost equally with ever-mounting anxiety.
I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought What the hell have I gotten myself into?
It will be fine. I know it will. I'm SURE of it.
But see, the panel on which I'm sitting is about introversion, blogging, and blogher.
There's a reason that I'm on that panel.
I'm shy.
I've TOLD you that before. Whenever I do one of those "Tell Me X Things About Yourself" memes, I tell you I'm shy. You never believe me.
But it's the solid truth.
Meeting new people?? UH UH. Not good.
I can do it - I was a hotel GM and I had to do grand openings and sales blitzes and introduce myself and be chatty and personable and OH EM GEE I CAN'T HANDLE IT...but I do - although it's a struggle.
The most frightening thing about BlogHer, I think, is going to be meeting you guys.
I KNOW, I know, that's what I WANT to do.
But see, here's the thing: it's not often that you meet new people who ALREADY KNOW YOUR INSIDES.
See?
You people already know most of my deepest fears, my failings and failures, my most embarrassing moments, my meanest thoughts, my worst actions.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
And have offered your opinions on them.
How could I possibly expect you to take me seriously, in the flesh?
You will all know FAR more about me than 3 days acquaintance would normally allow.
How am I supposed to look you in the face when you know how angry and resentful I've been? When I've confessed that I made a lesbian joke at my great-grandma's funeral?
How can I meet your eyes when I have told you I BURNT OUT THE MOTOR IN MY VIBRATOR?
I feel a little sick just now. Woozy, even.
I mean, it's not like meeting someone in person at like...a three day retreat and walking up and saying "Hi. I'm a single mom and my son's really, really disabled and sometimes I hate my life and sometimes I think other people should really not complain about all the wonderful things they have and sometimes I can't imagine making it through the day, let alone the next week, and sometimes I say things and people laugh and that's good, especially when I wasn't even trying to be funny and OH YEAH, I'm really poor and make lousy money but I love my job, and I worry about things all the time and I worry about people all the time and I'm fat and self-conscious and I really love to voice my opinions but only online where I don't have to see people and I do this radio show which is fun but again, I don't have to see anyone and my car is a piece of shit and......."
You guys already know that and SO.MUCH.MORE.
In here, buried in the internets, I can say just what I want, whenever I want, with few repercussions. The worst that could possibly happen is that someone could unfollow me on twitter, or UNblogroll me, or I could get the occasional troll or heated email.
Plus also? Here, if I tell a joke and it falls flat I don't have to see you trying not to roll your eyes. If I say something without thinking (OH DEAR GOD EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE), I don't have to watch your nose crinkle in distaste or a sneer curl the corner of your mouth. I don't have to read your body language to see that I may have crossed a line or gone too far or made you uncomfortable.
So yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to unclench until I'm safely back home again...or unless you guys can get me really, really drunk.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
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