Saturday, February 13, 2021

You've come a long way, baby. Er, babies.

I know you don't think it's possible that I have 26 year old twins, especially since I don't look a day over, like, 30-ish, right? Because 50-something is the new 30-something. I think I read that in a meme or gif by some rando internet person so it MUST BE TRUE.
Also? OH EM GEE I GAVE BIRTH TO THESE THINGS WHEN I WAS THEIR AGE NOW.
It's a surreal feeling because they are still such BABIES.

I have been re-sharing the (mostly) same blog post on this day for about 15 years now.
I KNOW.
Most of you have memorized this story already, but if you're new, here's the what in a nutshell:
Twins born 3 and a half months early, at 24 weeks, weighing in at just over a pound each.
Ears folded down like little weird bats; scrawny red with wizened little monkey faces, undeveloped lungs and ventilators which scarred those tiny lungs, head bleeds (Grade I and Grade IV), 6 months in NICU, first 2 or 3 Christmases and Thanksgiving in the hospital with RSV, multiple & severe disabilities including CP, MR, developmental delays; COPD, ROP, Cor Pulmonale; eye surgeries, hernia surgeries, central lines, perc lines, keloid scars from all the poking and pricking and blood drawing and transfusions; heart holes and murmurs and seizure disorders; failure to thrive and lots of other things with letters and also thrush and a tiny arm broken simply by changing a shirt.

I am convinced I have PTSD and probably so do the kids. It's been a long and challenging road for all of us - and for about 23 of the 26 years I've been doing this solo. I have not been a great mom, or even mediocre if truth be told. After all these years I still have not a single clue what I'm doing.
DESPITE THAT and doing things like convincing my daughter to take a bite of dog biscuit which was funny AF I don't care what you say, THESE KIDS ARE PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME.


I mean sure, Joshua is still like a baby because he can't talk or walk or crawl or sit up alone, has to be diapered and hand fed. He does communicate pretty well when he's unhappy though! But when he's warbling to the teevee and making himself giggle...well, there's not a more delightful, happier, sweeter sound in the entire world.



And Rebecca...sometimes we're far more adversarial than mother/daughter. But I could never have asked for a better daughter. Her brother and I couldn't make it through the day- or life, really - without her help. She provides for her family without complaint. Without her help in caring for Josh, I wouldn't have made it through - she is the reason I can get a day off now and then, especially since some recent health concerns of my own. She handles her shit. She handles MY shit. (No, I do not make her handle Joshua's shit because lort knows that even turns MY stomach sometimes).
She reminds me to take my meds, she helps take my BP on the daily, she goes with me to the doctor when possible to take notes because lately I find myself easily overwhelmed. I could not be prouder or love her any more, and I can't even take credit for how she's turned out. She is caring and thoughtful and affectionate (I am none of those), she is a hard worker with an excellent work ethic, and she always knows right when I need a hug.
(although she still doesn't have a driver's license and OMG SHE IS SO LIKE MY MOTHER IN SO MANY WAYS)



At the end of the day, I recognize the struggle that both of them have made to cling to life, how they've helped raise me as a mother as much as I ever helped raise them, and I fall to my knees and thank God for their existence on this earth and in my life. I am proud to be their mother, I am grateful for the lessons they've taught me, and I love them bigger than the universe. If you know them, you're the lucky one.



Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Words Get In the Way

Part of the problem with hating to be a whiner and trying to rarely complain about health issues is that when you really really really really really need to talk about it, you don't know how.
You don't know how to start.
You don't know how to ask someone to listen. I mean seriously, who actually loves to hear a litany of someone else's health complaints? I don't.
I mean if you're sick, sorry, wish I could help but I can't. I can't be there in person in most cases. I can't drop by with homemade chicken soup. I can't pet your head and say "there there."
I don't want you to feel that way about me. I don't want you to worry, I don't want to feel like an inconvenience, I don't want to bore you if you just don't care.

On the other hand, I want you to pet me on the head and say "there there." I want you to hug me and comfort me and tell me I'm going to be fine.
But I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know if I should be more concerned or less.
Yet the thought of pity freaks me out and sympathy makes me awkward.

**AS FAR AS I KNOW IT IS NOT THE BIG C so cross that off the list for the moment. That may be the ONE thing that isn't broken.

But I am overwhelmed and scared and depressed. I'm confused with all the things.
I feel lost and alone and, for one of the few times, really lonely.
I don't know what to do.
So don't say anything. Don't ask me although I want to be asked, because I really have to process everything first myself, plus I'm not sure about anything at the moment.

I just wanted to tell you.





Monday, November 02, 2020

To summarize:

 Every once in a while you just want to be somebody's, anybody's, Number One Person.


I mean, other than "feared" or "hated" or "enemy." 
I got that covered.

Friday, September 04, 2020

DISNEY: Behind The Magic Curtain

Reasons why I will never understand your Disney obsessions. 
I mean seriously, SO MUCH EVIL and DARK MAGIC. 
I mean people who won't even let their kids read Harry Potter or Charlie Bone because of all the magic CLEARLY HAVE NEVER SEEN A DISNEY MOVIE.


Beauty and the Beast.

Beast: Lookit, I know you're a prisoner here and all but srsly look at me. Frankly the only way I can get girls is kidnapping and imprisonment. But hey, you can roam freely except the west wing.
#HumanTrafficking

Belle: What's in the west wing? (besides that awesome show with Martin Sheen and Rob Lowe and Joshua Malina and the delightful & delicious #PretendBoyfriend Bradley Whitford)

Beast: IT IS FORBIDDEN! I know, I know, I should just say HEY that's my personal area where I live and there's a giant litterbox I'm embarrassed of and also I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY STUFF OKAY? But doy, I'm stupid and sort of a bully.

Belle: Well  I do what I want and get away with it because you know I'm so beautiful and everyone thinks that and I'm such a rebel Ima go get all up in your stuff and touch everything and possibly ruin a whooooole bunch of lives in the process so SUCK IT BITCHBEAST.
#Privilege #Entitlement 
Also EW #BESTIALITY.



And then there's Snow White.

Evil Queen: Hey dude, go do a murder for me on this girl just because she's pretty. Here's a fancy jewelry box to put her heart in. I'm sure it will leak blood all over your stuff and start to smell but idc.

Huntsman: Here's your heart.  And hey here's a big platter of fresh bacon and ham and pork chops. 
Totally unrelated and coincidental.

LATER.
FIRST of all, bitch goes breaking and entering and then immediately starts criticizing the housekeeping. Then she makes all the animals do the hard jobs that require THUMBS while she sweeps the floor and twirls around like Billy Madison's kindergarten teacher la la laing.

Then some rando guy claiming princehood rides through the forest and finds a DEAD LADY IN A GLASS BOX and thinks, "Hmm, she's still so pretty and looks reasonably fresh so I GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT!"
So then she comes back to life - ZOMBIE - and probably will end up eating his brain and/or flesh at some point which really is no more than he deserves because EW #NECROPHILIAC #PERVY #GROSSTASTIC



Little Spoiled Brat of the Sea. Daddy issues, anyone?

Ariel: OH HAI yeah I'm up on the surface of the ocean freaking people out so WHAT OF IT MIND YOUR BUSINESS. My pops has like 22 other spawngirls to worry about and I'm the baby so I do what I want anyway and it's no wonder mom took off and prolly faked her own death by pretending to be caught by a fish net.
Say, I wonder why I'm all alone when I have a fafillion sisters? Oh well they're bitches anyways.

Flounder: Um I'm pretty sure I saw a shark and you know they're not scared of fishpeople.

Ariel: SHUT YOUR BLOWHOLE, guppy, you're stupid and a baby.
OH FUCK SHARK SHARK SHARK!

Big Daddy: I WILL DESTROY ALL THESE THINGS BECAUSE YOU FINALLY NEED SOME DISCIPLINE IN YOUR LIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Ariel: I AM 16 AND IN LOVE AND I WILL MARRY THAT FREAKING PRINCE OVER YOUR DEAD BODY IDC. #Selfish #Self-absorbed

Prince Eric: Oh goody, a mute girl. Perfect ending to a suckass week.
OH BUT I LOVE YOU NOW BECAUSE YOU CAN DRIVE A CART.
You are 16, I am 18, older and wiser - I'll take care of you (pretend it's the gazebo scene from Sound of Music)

#StatutoryRape #KingEnabler #NeedParentalPermissionToMarry



Lion King

Nala: OH EM GEE lookie who's here, all growed up! HEY, sorry your dad got like, murdered and stuff and we pretty much abandoned you to your death, but remember what a heinous little arrogant asshole you were as a kid? And almost getting us killed? Good times.

Simba: I SEE DEAD LIONS.

Nala: Well we're starving and too scared to eat the nasty hyenas. Plus they're creepy AF. 

Simba: "Pride" of lions MY ASS, you pussy cats can't even take down some hyenas and a gross old scarred up murder lion. NICE. 
Fine, Ima just go BURN THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN. Bye Nalicia.
If you survive, we should hook up after. 

#Murder #HostileTakeover #ChildEndangerment #Arson



Pocahontas.

Ugh. Just no. 
"Conquering" Whitey taking advantage of and killing Native Americans and spreading his diseases I'm sure. 

#Privilege #Entitlement #Genocide



Peter Pan.

Tinkerbell? High toned grade-A bitch. And turncoat, betraying her "beloved" poster child for Arrested Development Peter to Hook just to get back at him because she so jealous.

Wendy? Drama queen. And perpetual "victim".  OOOO PEETAH! BOOHOOHOO! HELP ME! HELP ME! 
Mermaids? Shrewish, mean-spirited harpies with murderous intent.

And Peter? Grandstanding show off. And a total playa. Plus he likes to hit the hash pipe & I'm pretty sure the "magic dust" is PCP because it makes you think you can fly.
I begin to feel some small twist of sympathy for Captain Hook because srsly adulting is HARD and kids are ASSHOLES. And HE GOT HIS HAND BITTEN OFF OH EM GEE WTAF.

#amputee #Kidnapping #Drugs



Sleeping Beauty

Maleficent: GEE, you'd think you'd remember I am the MAGYCKEST PERSON IN THIS HEMISPHERE and make sure I get invited to all the parties. Just for that, your little snotface brat is going to prick her finger on a spinning wheel and DIE.
#MURDERS

King: HA! Well your invitation must have got lost in the mail, but you so cray if you think my daughter is ever going to do manual labor like spinning stuff. So whatever. Also you smell like rotten egg farts.
Also just in case WE ARE GOING TO BURN EVERY SPINNING WHEEL IN THE COUNTRY so there. 
#Arson 

Rumplestiltskin: SON OF A BITCH. Dude you are ruining my whole storyline!
*stomps out to go hide a spinning wheel*

Briar Rose: WTF no one ever even calls me by name. Like that David Allen Coe song. 
Also HEY LOOK A THING WITH A WHEEL AND POINTY STICK SO LET ME JUST TOUCH THE SHARP END!

100 Years Later 
**EDITED FOR DISNEY PURISTS: Okay, so the original fairy tale was a hundred year sleep, the Disney version had Flora, Fauna & Merryweather to break the Prince out of Maleficent's gaol and then still go kiss the apparently dead chick.

Prince: wow, I wonder what is in that castle surrounded by brambles? Lemme just go look.
WOW. DEAD GIRL BUT SHE LOOKS SO PRESERVED. I GOTTA KISS HER.




Oh goody, another necrophiliac. ARE YOU SEEING A PATTERN HERE?



Bambi

Bambi: Say mom, how come all the other kids have a dad? And oh yeah PS thanks for the lame-ass stripper name.

Bambi's mom: Oh, yeah, "Great Prince of the Forest." PFFFT RIGHT. More like Deadbeat Dad. Sweetie, have you ever heard the phrase "humped and dumped?"

Gunshot. Dead Mom. #MURDER
Also WTF HUNTER THERE WERE SOME 10 POINT BUCKS RIGHT THERE AND YOU SHOT A DOE I HOPE THE GAME WARDEN FINES YOUR ASS.

Bambi: YOU KILLED MY MOM YOU BASTARD SO NOW I AM GOING TO AMASS AN ARMY AND WE ARE GOING ALL UP IN YOUR GARDENS AND EATING YOUR VEG AND PLANTS SO SUCK IT HUMANS!

Bambi's dad: GD IT. What the hell. I guess you'll have to come with me now. Just keep quiet and don't bug me or you're out of here.

Bambi + Faline

FIRE FIRE FIRE. #Arson

2 New fawns: Momma, how come all the other kids have a dad?
Faline: Darlings, have you ever heard the term "humped and dumped?"

New Prince of the Forest Bambi waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off in the distance.

#Abandonment #ChildEndangerment




Just wait until I'm ready to reveal Old Yeller.

Until then, have a day. Now go away.



Friday, July 31, 2020

Let's weekend together!

With the whole Covid #DeathFest, we've (mostly)(the smart ones) been following the rules and taking precautions and staying home more, and a lot of people have missed out on vacations and such.
We've missed our ComicCons and Fan Expos and weekend getaways and road trips and adventures.
Even me, and you know I barely can leave the house anyway except that once or twice a year when I would get a free weekend AWAY. Away from kids, from diapers, from home.
I MISS IT. My last adventure was like FOUR WHOLE years ago!

So this weekend, come with me to relive my last few adventures. 
Seriously, it's one of the few happy-making things I've got right now, and they're all "tl;dr" and full of pictures with captions.

HEY AT LEAST IT IS SOMETHING TO DO OTHER THAN NAVEL-GAZING SO YOU ARE WELCOME, YOU INGRATES. 
*Said with love*
Plus I look at all your pictures on facebook when you get away, so. 

Now let us join hands and journey together into ComicCon and FanExpo weekends and even a "haunted" Halloween weekend adventure. You are going to have the best time ever, many people have said!
*Many people = Me*

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Cemeteries and ceremonies.

I love visiting old cemeteries.
I love the peaceful feeling. I love to take photographs of interesting headstones and markers
I feel comfortable and calm in the midst of them.
I like to look at the names and the dates and inscriptions and imagine the people beneath.

But I never go visit my own lost loved ones.
In fact there are a few that I can't even remember which cemetery they belong to.
It isn't that I don't care, it's just that I can't seem to keep it fixed in my mind and that's weird because I remember SO MUCH STUFF. Useless, trivial, obscure stuff.
Maybe I block it out.
Maybe not 'remembering' makes me feel less guilty for not visiting.
I have no explanation.

Anyone else? No, just me then?




Speaking of cemeteries and such, many of you have been with me here long enough to know how my FINAL WISHES have changed and EVOLVED and how I've even written MY OWN SONG for the memorial.

So once again things have changed and yes, I still want to be cremated and yes, you still have to take a scoop of me with you when you leave, but the majority of my remains I want to be planted with a tree, so I can be the fertilizer. I mean everyone says that shit is the best kind of fertilizer and heaven knows I've been told I'm full of shit enough times in my life that seriously Ima have the best tree EVER and you can SUCK IT. I hope it's a fruit tree because it will have the most fruit, the biggest, juiciest, tastiest fruit ever, many people have said. 
Or it might taste like shit, to which I say HAHAHAHA HAVE ANOTHER BITE, SUCKERS.

ANYWAY. This is what I want: 
Living Urn - www.thelivingurn.com | Biodegradable urns, Memory ...




If for some reason this can't happen, my second choice is being put into a record (no really, a vinyl record that you play on a record player! YES THIS IS ACTUALLY A THING FOR REALS).
The album I want to be pressed into is, of course, Buckcherry's 15, and specifically the song Crazy Bitch. Alternate choice would be Carol Burnett's sign off song, because that would be appropriate.


So I would like the planting ceremony to be held at dusk, and wherever because why do I care, but I am going to need some hidden fog machines and speakers, because a nice ambiance with ground mist and spooky sounds, whooshes, moans, etc, is sure to freak some people out and make them check the backseats of their cars before they leave and if it's very successful, HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT ME. #SCORE!

MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR ME OR I WILL EFF YOU UP FROM THE AFTERLIFE AND I JOKE YOU NOT, MISSY.

Sunday, July 12, 2020

Lazy AF Cooking Chapter 3 with bonus Lazy AF salad/appetizer



Want something light and refreshing?
You can serve it as a side dish, and appetizer, or even a whole meal especially when it's just too hot out to eat much.

BONUS: Lazy AF EASY CAPRESE salad

1 package mozzarella pearls
1 small container of CHERUB tomatoes (I mean I *guess* you could use any kind of grape tomatoes you want but unless they're coming out of your garden, go with the CHERUBS)
1 or 2 tablespoons (to your taste) of basil pesto. Mine comes from a jar but some of you overachiever showoffs like to make your own, so whatever.
Drizzle with balsamic vinegar (to taste - I usually count to 3)
Drizzle some olive oil all over it
A little fresh ground SHOOP (haha by which I mean Salt N Pepa by which I mean salt and pepper if you're too old or too young or too uncool to get the reference)

**you can cut the cherubs in half if you want, I usually only cut the larger ones because I like that delicious pop & burst of flavor when they're whole.

Mix it all up together and put in the fridge. I just mix mine in storage bowl with a lid because Ima eat that shit right out of the bowl anyways.

OKAY you can make a reduction/glaze out of the balsamic vinegar if you want to be all fancy but then it would go one step beyond Lazy AF and we don't do that here and also it tastes just as good with the balsamic straight out the bottle, so.




Today's offerings are basically the same as chapter two only with NO CHICKEN if you can belee dat.
I KNOW. But I eat a lot of chicken because
A. It's way less expensive and I have a tight budget you know
2. I feel it's heart-healthier
III. My body is old and does not digest red meat as well as it should anymore and makes me logy.
BONUS: CRISPY DELICIOUS CHICKEN SKIN OMG YESSSSSSS.



BONUS INFO: Any of the Chapter 2 meals AND these - you can substitute sweet potatoes for the regular potatoes for a change up.



Okay so if you read Chapter 2 then you're already probably a pro at this particular "recipe."

Scrub your taters or sweet taters clean and cut in half - put them in the crock pot skin side down.
Throw some scrubbed carrots on top of them.
A little salt n pepper.

NOW THE MEAT.

Okay, so we have an extra step I don't mind adding when using red meat (or pork) -
SEAR IT.
Some people will lightly dust the chuck roast/pork roast/pork steaks/pork chops with seasoned flour and give it a good hard sear in a bit of olive oil on all sides before putting in the crock pot.
Some people will just season the meat and sear in olive oil without flouring it first.

I do both, depending on how lazy I feel that day.
But if you use flour, you have a more delicious bit of pan drippings to pour over top of everything, so whatever floats your boat.

Put the seared meat on top of your carrots and potatoes, pour your drippings over, and cook on low for about 8 hours.

SEASONING:  Seriously you can't go wrong experimenting here.
Sometimes I glug some red wine vinegar over the red meat or white wine vinegar over the pork.
Or vice versa. It doesn't matter BECAUSE THE MEAT DOES NOT CARE.

OR I'll use a couple bullio...boullio...those beef flavored cube things that you melt in boiling water & pour over the roast and then maybe a quarter cup of sliced pepperoncinis & juice over that. You'll have some nice jus that will also have soaked into your taters.

OR some people like to throw a stick of butter and a packet of hidden valley ranch dressing or dip powder in there. This is also tasty.

OR a little woozy sauce and a half stick of buttah is also very good.

Spice it up with a little sliced tamed jalapeno!

Add some corn on the cob on top for the last 3-4 hours of cooking if you want or if you are a weirdo and don't like carrots.

KETO FRIENDLY: Leave out the potato and carrot. Just put the meat and some beef broth/cube things in the crock pot. Cut a head of cabbage into wedges or thick "steaks" and cram those down on top of the meat for the last 3 hours of cooking.  The cabbage will soak up the deliciousness of the broth and whatever spices/seasonings you put on.
No cabbage? Throw in some brussels sprouts or asparagus or some sliced bell peppers and onion. OR ALL OF THEM WHY LIMIT YOURSELF?




While we're on the whole "searing the meat" train, one more deliciously simple but lazy AF recipe for today.

I never really cared much for pork (well, I mean besides bacon and ham because...BACON and HAM), but the chops and steaks and roasts were always sort of dry or gritty or bland or all of the above so I never cook them. Also I really do NOT like sausage at all so I don't ever buy it (except those beef smoked sausage things which are totally different because I love them except they give me terrible reflux).

ANYWAY.

You will need some nice fatty pork chops or pork steaks. Bone IN.
At least 1 LARGE JAR of sauerkraut or 2-3 cans. You might need 2 large jars depending on
how many people and how much you like sauerkraut.

This recipe does not leave the pork dry or flavorless so even if you're not a fan of The Other White Meat, you should try this.

Lightly dust the pork chops or pork steaks - use the ones with the most fat on - with flour you've seasoned with garlic, Lawry's salt, pepper.

Nice hard sear in some olive oil and get that fat all crispety crunchety and melting in your pan.

While those are searing, put a layer of sauerkraut in the bottom of the crock pot.
Put 1 or 2 seared chops on that. Pour the pan drippings over alla that.

Another layer of sauerkraut, another layer chops, another layer of delicious drippings.
Be generous with the sauerkraut.

Repeat as necessary. Make sure top layer is sauerkraut & pan drippings.

Cover and cook on low for about 7 hours or until meat is falling off the bone and super tender.

**THIS CAN ALSO BE DONE ON THE STOVE TOP or IN A DUTCH OVEN, just cook it low & slow for about 3-4 hours or until meat is fork tender & falling off the bone. If you put it in the oven, I'd cook around 300 -325.
And to be honest, I really like the flavor better when it cooks all day on the stove top - but that's better to do in winter because who wants their kitchen to get hot from that? Plus you have to watch it a little bit to make sure the bottom doesn't burn. TOTES WORTH IT THOUGH.

**Some people like to cut very thin slices of granny smith apple and add a few slices on each layer, and some people even add a sprinkle of brown sugar over the apples.
I'm not a fan of this, especially the sugar. The apple though IS acceptable ONCE IN A WHILE. Just for a little different taste.
"That's swell!"
(raise your hand if you even get this)






YOU. ARE. WELCOME.