Showing posts with label anger management. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger management. Show all posts
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Thursday, March 22, 2012
What I'd like to say on Facebook.
1. Why, in the name of ALL that is holy, would you think that anyone gives two shits how many emails you
a) have received
b) deleted
c) still have in your inbox
??????????
2. That food plate you posted makes me want to ask "DO we, or HAVE we?" (figure it out)
Or to be more blunt - it looks disgusting and sort of haggis-y.
Also? Please do NOT invite me over for dinner. Ever.
3. You're not as funny as you think you are. Seriously. Really. REALLY REALLY.
Unless of course I'm mixing up "funny" and "annoyingly ridiculous". Because in that case, you ARE.
4. Don't be whining about how "hard" you have it or how "broke" you are when you are always gallivanting
around going to cocktail parties and concerts and fancy vacations and spas and trips hither and yon.
5. No one cares what you're vague-booking about. They really don't. Especially me.
Seriously, stop douching up facebook. That's what twitter is for.
a) have received
b) deleted
c) still have in your inbox
??????????
2. That food plate you posted makes me want to ask "DO we, or HAVE we?" (figure it out)
Or to be more blunt - it looks disgusting and sort of haggis-y.
Also? Please do NOT invite me over for dinner. Ever.
3. You're not as funny as you think you are. Seriously. Really. REALLY REALLY.
Unless of course I'm mixing up "funny" and "annoyingly ridiculous". Because in that case, you ARE.
4. Don't be whining about how "hard" you have it or how "broke" you are when you are always gallivanting
around going to cocktail parties and concerts and fancy vacations and spas and trips hither and yon.
5. No one cares what you're vague-booking about. They really don't. Especially me.
Seriously, stop douching up facebook. That's what twitter is for.
Monday, December 06, 2010
#23878 Why I Hate People
Dear EBAY BUYERS:
If we list something with the actual size printed on the designer's label AND we put aaaaalllllll the measurements as well FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, it would be nice if you didn't leave a neutral or negative feedback just because YOU CAN'T FIT YOUR FAT ASS IN THE JEANS.
OMG.
Thanks.
Love,
Me
If we list something with the actual size printed on the designer's label AND we put aaaaalllllll the measurements as well FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, it would be nice if you didn't leave a neutral or negative feedback just because YOU CAN'T FIT YOUR FAT ASS IN THE JEANS.
OMG.
Thanks.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Grudge Match
I used to be the world's best grudge-holder.
I didn't MEAN to be, but according to my parents (who never fail to remind me that I "only remember the bad stuff")(which is weird, because clearly they're the ones remembering bad stuff that I've LOOONG forgotten), I could hold a grudge forever.
But the older I get, the quicker I am to forgive, and it always surprises me when people don't accept an apology.
And although I forgive, I can't always forget. Which is ALSO weird because I am growing more forgetful all the time.
It's not like I sit and BROOD about it or anything, it's more that it just hangs around in my head and gives my belly a squinch of anxiety every so often.
I try and try to let things go, but I find I am harboring some resentments.
How do you let stuff go, when you think you've sincerely forgiven someone but it WON'T GO AWAY?
Are you surprised when you apologize and people keep beating you up over the issue?
I didn't MEAN to be, but according to my parents (who never fail to remind me that I "only remember the bad stuff")(which is weird, because clearly they're the ones remembering bad stuff that I've LOOONG forgotten), I could hold a grudge forever.
But the older I get, the quicker I am to forgive, and it always surprises me when people don't accept an apology.
And although I forgive, I can't always forget. Which is ALSO weird because I am growing more forgetful all the time.
It's not like I sit and BROOD about it or anything, it's more that it just hangs around in my head and gives my belly a squinch of anxiety every so often.
I try and try to let things go, but I find I am harboring some resentments.
How do you let stuff go, when you think you've sincerely forgiven someone but it WON'T GO AWAY?
Are you surprised when you apologize and people keep beating you up over the issue?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Well that's certainly nervy.
I'm sure many of you remember THIS EMAIL from StepfordMomCentral I got recently?
Well imagine my surprise when I got another "review opportunity" in my email today!
Clearly one hand doesn't know what the other is doing because they've grown and expanded (AND lost or moved all the good and wonderful ladies with whom I loved communicating)...OOORRRR maybe they're just sadistic Mean Girls and want to twist the knife, taunting me with another opportunity so that they can summarily REJECT ME YET AGAIN as they have for EVERY review I've signed up for in the past year.
I imagine them cackling madly and sneering and saying "HAHA LOOKIT SHE'S SO DUMB SHE'S GOING TO ATTEMPT IT AGAAAAIIIINNNN! Now let's see if we can make her bang her head into a brick wall!"
Okay, not really -- clearly my little blog and I don't matter so much in the grand scheme of things.
I am just amazed at the ABSOLUTE NERVE.
If I was the last blogger standing, I wouldn't review a product for MomCentral.
But it sucks because I wouldn't mind checking out the sunblock wipes.
Well imagine my surprise when I got another "review opportunity" in my email today!
Clearly one hand doesn't know what the other is doing because they've grown and expanded (AND lost or moved all the good and wonderful ladies with whom I loved communicating)...OOORRRR maybe they're just sadistic Mean Girls and want to twist the knife, taunting me with another opportunity so that they can summarily REJECT ME YET AGAIN as they have for EVERY review I've signed up for in the past year.
I imagine them cackling madly and sneering and saying "HAHA LOOKIT SHE'S SO DUMB SHE'S GOING TO ATTEMPT IT AGAAAAIIIINNNN! Now let's see if we can make her bang her head into a brick wall!"
Okay, not really -- clearly my little blog and I don't matter so much in the grand scheme of things.
I am just amazed at the ABSOLUTE NERVE.
If I was the last blogger standing, I wouldn't review a product for MomCentral.
But it sucks because I wouldn't mind checking out the sunblock wipes.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
From the "Are you fucking KIDDING ME right now?" Files
As many of you are aware, I have been a big fan of Mom Central and the people I've worked with there (IN THE PAST, I MEAN) for a couple-three years. I used to get a ton of blog tours - in fact, there were a couple of months that I had several reviews in a row.
Mom Central and Mother Talk... ah yes, in the beginning when they were starting out and wanted blogs that seemed to have a decent readership. I also recommended Mom Central & Mothertalk to several of my favorite fellow bloggers, helped bring them on board so that we could share recommendations about different products, services, and books.
Sadly, it appears that they've fallen victim to the Too Big For Their Britches Syndrome.
They don't need little old ME any more.
They keep sending me offers and I keep signing up --- and I keep getting rejected.
WTF?
Finally about a week ago after YET ANOTHER REJECTION, I replied that I was very disappointed that for the last year I hadn't been given any tours.
TODAY I GET THIS EMAIL:
So...I guess moms don't swear?
I was always under the impression that the WAY I wrote my blog, without pretense or fakery or suck-uppiness, is WHY Mom Central picked me in the first place.
But clearly MOMS DON'T GET TO SAY FUCK.
OR SHIT.
Or talk about dildos.
Well you can keep your blog tours and products - it's not worth having to be someone I'm not just to tell people how much I love Clorox products.
NICE GOING, STEPFORDMOM CENTRAL.
Mom Central and Mother Talk... ah yes, in the beginning when they were starting out and wanted blogs that seemed to have a decent readership. I also recommended Mom Central & Mothertalk to several of my favorite fellow bloggers, helped bring them on board so that we could share recommendations about different products, services, and books.
Sadly, it appears that they've fallen victim to the Too Big For Their Britches Syndrome.
They don't need little old ME any more.
They keep sending me offers and I keep signing up --- and I keep getting rejected.
WTF?
Finally about a week ago after YET ANOTHER REJECTION, I replied that I was very disappointed that for the last year I hadn't been given any tours.
TODAY I GET THIS EMAIL:
Hi Shannon,
We conduct periodic evaluations of our Blog Roll for quality assurance purposes to ensure that all blogs meet the needs of our brand partners. At this point, due to some of the editorial content of your blog (for example, the use of swear words), we don’t feel as though you are a good fit for Mom Central campaigns. We will conduct another evaluation in a few months and would be happy to re-evaluate your blog at that time.
Please let me know if you have any questions, we would be more than happy to jump on the phone to talk with you about this further.
Thanks and have a great holiday weekend,
Elizabeth
Elizabeth Chapin
Project Manager
Mom Central Consulting
So...I guess moms don't swear?
I was always under the impression that the WAY I wrote my blog, without pretense or fakery or suck-uppiness, is WHY Mom Central picked me in the first place.
But clearly MOMS DON'T GET TO SAY FUCK.
OR SHIT.
Or talk about dildos.
Well you can keep your blog tours and products - it's not worth having to be someone I'm not just to tell people how much I love Clorox products.
NICE GOING, STEPFORDMOM CENTRAL.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I only wish I'd have been able to write so well.
Why I Think Social Media Is Full of Douchebags.
These guys just said it WAY BETTER.
Oh Shankman, I love you for this: "If we want to continue to be taken seriously as an industry, we need to remember that we’re not rock stars. We’re not playing sold out stadiums, and we’re most certainly not curing diseases, or helping mal-nourished kids get food or get healthy by writing a fucking treastise on how you can market your brand better by using FourSquare.
And from Thomas Myerman, something with which I OFTEN take issue: "...the whole laughable routine where you pull that "You don't know who I am?" face and mug for your sycophantic entourage."
Well done, gentlemen.
Let's hope that the Film/Music part of SxSW is full of better-behaved people.
These guys just said it WAY BETTER.
Oh Shankman, I love you for this: "If we want to continue to be taken seriously as an industry, we need to remember that we’re not rock stars. We’re not playing sold out stadiums, and we’re most certainly not curing diseases, or helping mal-nourished kids get food or get healthy by writing a fucking treastise on how you can market your brand better by using FourSquare.
And from Thomas Myerman, something with which I OFTEN take issue: "...the whole laughable routine where you pull that "You don't know who I am?" face and mug for your sycophantic entourage."
Well done, gentlemen.
Let's hope that the Film/Music part of SxSW is full of better-behaved people.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The One In Which I Get All Yelly And Mean And Offend People
(well, maybe it's not the FIRST one in which I've gotten ranty and mean)
Okay, so the other day I was on Twitter and someone in my stream was involved in a conversation with people that I do not follow. I was interested enough to click through a few people (whom I ALSO do not follow) and came across some dude who was getting all judgy and shouting "HEY PEOPLE QUIT BITCHING ABOUT MISSING OUT ON SOCIAL EVENTS BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS! FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! I WOULD GIVE UP ALL SOCIAL EVENTS IF I HAD MY KIDS FULL TIME!"
Or words to that effect.
And I agree - family IS the important thing.
But here's the what: You DON'T have your kid(s) full time. You have ZERO FUCKING IDEA what it's like to have your kids with you 24 hours a day. ZERO. NONE. NADA.
You're FREE to flit about at a moment's notice. You're free to drop what you're doing when your friends call and say HEY MEET ME AT THE BAR/RESTAURANT/BEACH/WHATEVER.
You don't have to have 3 weeks advance notice so that you can arrange a babysitter.
Also? If you have "regular" or "normal" kids that you can leave alone, you STILL have no idea what MY life is like.
I realize that we ALL have things we take for granted, even when we don't mean to. But I resent people who think like THAT guy trying to make people like me (oh, not ME personally, I don't even know the dude) feel bad for occasionally wishing for a short escape from family.
My twins just turned 15... and I have been a single parent for about 13 of those years.
My son is severely disabled, as most of you know -- he's like an infant. He doesn't do anything for himself, he can't hold a cup, he has to be fed and lifted and carried and diapered.
You can image the number of babysitters, including family, who are just CLAMORING to sit for me. Uh huh.
(If you guessed "NONE", you would be correct)(that is NOT A COMPLAINT, it is a simple FACT)
Besides the fact that I can't AFFORD a nanny or babysitting service, not many people want to be responsible for watching a kid who is heavy but has to be lifted, who has to be cared for as though he is a 3 month old, who has a seizure disorder.
They say "it's scary". And so it is.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I AM SUPREMELY HAPPY AND THANKFUL FOR EVERY DAY THAT MY CHILDREN DRAW BREATH. I am not blaming anyone for the way things are, for my situation. I deal with it, I try not to bitch about it very often - it's my job as a parent.
But I am mostly tied to my house. My son is too heavy to carry and he has a special wheelchair, not a regular one that can just fold in half, so it takes about 20-30 minutes just to take it apart to load it in the car.
I go practically NOWHERE except to work while the kids are in school. Or to the grocery store. And for the last 2 years I have been so lucky to get away for a weekend to go to Blogher, and it took at least 2 months of arranging to get THAT figured out, even though it was their FATHER who was to have them at that time.
AND since we're on the subject: working at a daycare, being a camp counselor or a teenage babysitter is a whole different animal than being a parent. The feelings you have are different, the LEVEL of the feelings you have are different, your thought processes are different.
So if I say I'm sad to miss out on this event or that social gathering, don't tell me how I SHOULD act, how I SHOULD feel, how I SHOULD parent.
Don't you DARE imply that I am LESS THAN AN EXCELLENT PARENT simply because I might occasionally say "OH I WISH I COULD GO TO 'this event' OR 'that social gathering'".
You talk to me when you've walked a couple of miles in my shoes. Until then? SHUT YOUR LAMEHOLE.
And also, fuck you and the high horse you rode in on, pal.
Okay, so the other day I was on Twitter and someone in my stream was involved in a conversation with people that I do not follow. I was interested enough to click through a few people (whom I ALSO do not follow) and came across some dude who was getting all judgy and shouting "HEY PEOPLE QUIT BITCHING ABOUT MISSING OUT ON SOCIAL EVENTS BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS! FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! I WOULD GIVE UP ALL SOCIAL EVENTS IF I HAD MY KIDS FULL TIME!"
Or words to that effect.
And I agree - family IS the important thing.
But here's the what: You DON'T have your kid(s) full time. You have ZERO FUCKING IDEA what it's like to have your kids with you 24 hours a day. ZERO. NONE. NADA.
You're FREE to flit about at a moment's notice. You're free to drop what you're doing when your friends call and say HEY MEET ME AT THE BAR/RESTAURANT/BEACH/WHATEVER.
You don't have to have 3 weeks advance notice so that you can arrange a babysitter.
Also? If you have "regular" or "normal" kids that you can leave alone, you STILL have no idea what MY life is like.
I realize that we ALL have things we take for granted, even when we don't mean to. But I resent people who think like THAT guy trying to make people like me (oh, not ME personally, I don't even know the dude) feel bad for occasionally wishing for a short escape from family.
My twins just turned 15... and I have been a single parent for about 13 of those years.
My son is severely disabled, as most of you know -- he's like an infant. He doesn't do anything for himself, he can't hold a cup, he has to be fed and lifted and carried and diapered.
You can image the number of babysitters, including family, who are just CLAMORING to sit for me. Uh huh.
(If you guessed "NONE", you would be correct)(that is NOT A COMPLAINT, it is a simple FACT)
Besides the fact that I can't AFFORD a nanny or babysitting service, not many people want to be responsible for watching a kid who is heavy but has to be lifted, who has to be cared for as though he is a 3 month old, who has a seizure disorder.
They say "it's scary". And so it is.
I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I AM SUPREMELY HAPPY AND THANKFUL FOR EVERY DAY THAT MY CHILDREN DRAW BREATH. I am not blaming anyone for the way things are, for my situation. I deal with it, I try not to bitch about it very often - it's my job as a parent.
But I am mostly tied to my house. My son is too heavy to carry and he has a special wheelchair, not a regular one that can just fold in half, so it takes about 20-30 minutes just to take it apart to load it in the car.
I go practically NOWHERE except to work while the kids are in school. Or to the grocery store. And for the last 2 years I have been so lucky to get away for a weekend to go to Blogher, and it took at least 2 months of arranging to get THAT figured out, even though it was their FATHER who was to have them at that time.
AND since we're on the subject: working at a daycare, being a camp counselor or a teenage babysitter is a whole different animal than being a parent. The feelings you have are different, the LEVEL of the feelings you have are different, your thought processes are different.
So if I say I'm sad to miss out on this event or that social gathering, don't tell me how I SHOULD act, how I SHOULD feel, how I SHOULD parent.
Don't you DARE imply that I am LESS THAN AN EXCELLENT PARENT simply because I might occasionally say "OH I WISH I COULD GO TO 'this event' OR 'that social gathering'".
You talk to me when you've walked a couple of miles in my shoes. Until then? SHUT YOUR LAMEHOLE.
And also, fuck you and the high horse you rode in on, pal.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Why I Hate People #87458
I will never understand why people get all smug, self-righteous, supercilious, smirky, and a bunch of other S words over online dating services.
"OH, I would NEVER use eHarmony/match.com/yahoo personals to find a date! It's just too ickytackygross for WORDS!"
"Really? Too bad. So, how did you meet your spouse?"
"We met on Facebook/Twitter/adult chat room/playing World of Warcraft."
Here's a clue, Sherlock: Online dating is online dating, no matter whether you use an "introduction" service like eharmony/match.com or not. You can try to pretty it up and rationalize all you want, but the end result is the same.
Srsly.
"OH, I would NEVER use eHarmony/match.com/yahoo personals to find a date! It's just too ickytackygross for WORDS!"
"Really? Too bad. So, how did you meet your spouse?"
"We met on Facebook/Twitter/adult chat room/playing World of Warcraft."
Here's a clue, Sherlock: Online dating is online dating, no matter whether you use an "introduction" service like eharmony/match.com or not. You can try to pretty it up and rationalize all you want, but the end result is the same.
Srsly.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
OMJ SERIOUSLY.
I celebrate the "Christ" part of Christmas, so don't YOU trample on MY rights and beliefs by telling me I shouldn't say "Merry Christmas".
I mean seriously, feel free to wish ME a Happy Hannukah or Kwaanza or Festivus or Molepeople Day or even Creepy Scientology Day.
Why do you care how I celebrate, or care what my Reason For The Season is? I ain't tryin' to get all up in your holiday bizness.
WHY would I complain about any of that when there are so many other things to complain about?
Also if I was a total Grinchy McScrooge I would wish you a Merry Christmas RIGHT NOW just to piss you off. OH WAIT....
I mean seriously, feel free to wish ME a Happy Hannukah or Kwaanza or Festivus or Molepeople Day or even Creepy Scientology Day.
Why do you care how I celebrate, or care what my Reason For The Season is? I ain't tryin' to get all up in your holiday bizness.
WHY would I complain about any of that when there are so many other things to complain about?
Also if I was a total Grinchy McScrooge I would wish you a Merry Christmas RIGHT NOW just to piss you off. OH WAIT....
Thursday, September 03, 2009
And Now A Word From...I mean ABOUT...Our Sponsors
"It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad." --Garth Algar, Wayne's World
If I NEVER EVER EVER hear the words "monetize" and/or "transparency" again, it'll be way too fuckin' soon for me.
In order to be like Mr. Cellophane, here's MY stance on the whole Sponsored/Ethical Blogging thingy, if you can stand one more person posting about it.
Seriously, I barely can and I'm WRITING the damn thing.
I get pitched for about 5 or 6 things a week, which really isn't many compared to what some bloggers get.
Mostly mine are for books, household products, little stuff like that. I'm not one of the "In" crowd who gets the big shit - cars and refrigerators and deeeelux vacations to Disneyworld or whole new wardrobes.
I'm okay with that because it seems like those are always the people who do the most bitching about everything and frankly I've got WAY better things to bitch about.
ANYWAY.
I turn down probably 9 out of every 10 "offers".
Like... if they begin the e-mail with "Hi Blogger" or "Dear Shane" or "To Daily Bitch" or when they say "We love your blog" and it's quite clear they've never even read it.
Mostly I turn down the stuff that doesn't interest me.
If I have ZERO desire to try it, or don't think I will like a particular product or read a particular book, I simply turn it down.
EASY PEASY.
If I DO decide to give it a shot, then it's because I am excited to try it out, to have it for my own, to get that free bottle of dishwashing liquid because I think I will be happy with it and want to pass that info on to my friends -- ESPECIALLY the $$ saving and/or GREEN stuff.
I DO NOT ACCEPT $$ FOR REVIEWS other than this (or let me qualify that with AS OF YET, because I'm not ruling it out, is all I'm saying):
Occasional $20 gift card to Amazon, Target, or for gift to a charity--I figure it's small enough compensation for my time in writing the post, considering I'm a lazy asshole.
I also, naturally, like getting a free book or free product sample -- sometimes they even send a coupon.
That's it.
I didn't start a blog to make money.
I started a livejournal then moved to a blog to foster a community, to vent, to share my experiences or troubles and get feedback.
I never even THOUGHT about blogging for $$ or reviews or anything else.
I don't want to think about it NOW, because it has nothing to do with this blog or my way of thinking.
You can tell what posts are "reviews" and "sponsored" because they are clearly marked in the tags, with icons of the group for whom I'm reviewing as WELL AS the manufacturer, and lots of links. And if you actually READ the post, it will say in there several times who and where it came from.
All that aside, what YOU do is fine with me. Why should I care?
Make a million off your blog if that's what you want to do; frankly, it's no skin off my nose. Just don't say HEY I LOVE LEXUS! for no apparent reason when what REALLY happened was they gave you one to test drive for a year.
Maybe I don't read your blog because you "monetize", or I don't read it because I don't like what you have to say or how you say it or your opinions or your utter vapidness or whatever. There are a million reasons for me not to read it.
(okay, mostly the reason is due to time constraints but HEY WORK WITH ME HERE I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT)
Ever since I got my first troll here years ago, I've had the same philosophy:
Why go in a titty bar if you don't like to look at naked boobs?
See how that works? If you don't like what we serve here...feel free to take your ass on down the road.
That's what *I* do.
If I NEVER EVER EVER hear the words "monetize" and/or "transparency" again, it'll be way too fuckin' soon for me.
In order to be like Mr. Cellophane, here's MY stance on the whole Sponsored/Ethical Blogging thingy, if you can stand one more person posting about it.
Seriously, I barely can and I'm WRITING the damn thing.
I get pitched for about 5 or 6 things a week, which really isn't many compared to what some bloggers get.
Mostly mine are for books, household products, little stuff like that. I'm not one of the "In" crowd who gets the big shit - cars and refrigerators and deeeelux vacations to Disneyworld or whole new wardrobes.
I'm okay with that because it seems like those are always the people who do the most bitching about everything and frankly I've got WAY better things to bitch about.
ANYWAY.
I turn down probably 9 out of every 10 "offers".
Like... if they begin the e-mail with "Hi Blogger" or "Dear Shane" or "To Daily Bitch" or when they say "We love your blog" and it's quite clear they've never even read it.
Mostly I turn down the stuff that doesn't interest me.
If I have ZERO desire to try it, or don't think I will like a particular product or read a particular book, I simply turn it down.
EASY PEASY.
If I DO decide to give it a shot, then it's because I am excited to try it out, to have it for my own, to get that free bottle of dishwashing liquid because I think I will be happy with it and want to pass that info on to my friends -- ESPECIALLY the $$ saving and/or GREEN stuff.
I DO NOT ACCEPT $$ FOR REVIEWS other than this (or let me qualify that with AS OF YET, because I'm not ruling it out, is all I'm saying):
Occasional $20 gift card to Amazon, Target, or for gift to a charity--I figure it's small enough compensation for my time in writing the post, considering I'm a lazy asshole.
I also, naturally, like getting a free book or free product sample -- sometimes they even send a coupon.
That's it.
I didn't start a blog to make money.
I started a livejournal then moved to a blog to foster a community, to vent, to share my experiences or troubles and get feedback.
I never even THOUGHT about blogging for $$ or reviews or anything else.
I don't want to think about it NOW, because it has nothing to do with this blog or my way of thinking.
You can tell what posts are "reviews" and "sponsored" because they are clearly marked in the tags, with icons of the group for whom I'm reviewing as WELL AS the manufacturer, and lots of links. And if you actually READ the post, it will say in there several times who and where it came from.
All that aside, what YOU do is fine with me. Why should I care?
Make a million off your blog if that's what you want to do; frankly, it's no skin off my nose. Just don't say HEY I LOVE LEXUS! for no apparent reason when what REALLY happened was they gave you one to test drive for a year.
Maybe I don't read your blog because you "monetize", or I don't read it because I don't like what you have to say or how you say it or your opinions or your utter vapidness or whatever. There are a million reasons for me not to read it.
(okay, mostly the reason is due to time constraints but HEY WORK WITH ME HERE I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT)
Ever since I got my first troll here years ago, I've had the same philosophy:
Why go in a titty bar if you don't like to look at naked boobs?
See how that works? If you don't like what we serve here...feel free to take your ass on down the road.
That's what *I* do.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
'Tis the season...
In the next ten days or so, I have about eleventy-fafillion reviews due...but don't let that stop you from visiting. A couple of them even include GIVEAWAYS!
first things first...
As I review my list of many, many things for which I am thankful, know that YOU are on it.
Last year around holiday time I actually had to stop blog reading, because there were so many people bitching and moaning and being OH-SO-OFFENDED by such a simple thing...the kind wish of "Merry Christmas".
I can't even tell you how much I wanted to smack those people upside the head.
I mean, really, that doesn't spread much holiday spirit, does it? Not the head-smacking, but I mean the BEING OFFENDED.
REALLY? Is THAT all you have to worry about in your life, being pissed because someone wishes you a Merry Christmas just because you don't celebrate the same way?
If so, then I envy you.
To my mind, wishing someone Merry Christmas is simply a way of spreading the joy and the spirit of peace on earth, goodwill toward men.
You don't celebrate the birth of Jesus? So what?
Some people say, "It's offensive because you're PUSHING YOUR FAITH ON ME! You're INFRINGING ON MY BELIEFS/NON BELIEFS!"
Seriously? That's what you think? So, I'm supposed to subjugate MY beliefs in favor of YOURS, which is what you're accusing ME of doing?
How..very.
Look, I don't personally care if you celebrate Jesus' birthday, the coming of Santa Claus, the Festival of Lights, Festivus, the anniversary of Barry Manilow's First #1 Hit, or nothing at all. That's your business.
But if you turn up your nose or get pissed or bitch at me because I say "Merry Christmas" (which is MY way, and I DO celebrate the birth of Jesus) rather than "Happy Holidays" or whatever...
You can suck it and take yourself right back down to your dank little cave of discontent.
How do you manage to NOT feel like a total assclam when you're bitching about it?
I mean, I'M certainly not going to be upset if you wish me Happy Hannukah or Kwanzaa or just Have A Nice Day...why should I be? It's a nice gesture. It's enjoying and embracing a time of year where we all (except for you people who just LOOOOOVE TO BE OFFENDED) try to make just the tiniest bit of effort to be kinder, to be more loving toward each other, to put aside petty annoyances and send a little good juju out into the universe.
So if you live to be offended, stay off my street, okay?
And oh yeah... MERRY CHRISTMAS in advance.
All that said, this is the Third Annual Christmas Card List call for addresses!
If you want to get on the list, please EMAIL me your address.
I even HAND WRITE in the cards.
I KNOW, right? Who does that anymore?
I'll even try to get them out before Christmas Eve this year.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
How dumb ARE you?
Dear Everyone who will ever consider running for President of the US:
DON'T. FUCK. AROUND. ON. YOUR. SPOUSE.
Seriously, have you NOT been paying attention the last 40 or 50 years?
SOMEBODY ALWAYS TALKS. And then your poor spouse and kids get slapped in the face with YOUR weakness and infidelity over & over again.
It's simple: if you cheat on your spouse or your taxes, the story will come out.
IT WILL.
So suck it up, keep your dick in your pants, and don't humiliate your wife & kids.
mkay?
Good.
Sincerely tired of political foibles,
Monty
ONE MORE THING.
Make sure you grab the podcast for last week's Friday Night Live - GEORGE-A-PALOOZA!
Lots of fun things happened.
You'll see.
Or, rather, HEAR.
DON'T. FUCK. AROUND. ON. YOUR. SPOUSE.
Seriously, have you NOT been paying attention the last 40 or 50 years?
SOMEBODY ALWAYS TALKS. And then your poor spouse and kids get slapped in the face with YOUR weakness and infidelity over & over again.
It's simple: if you cheat on your spouse or your taxes, the story will come out.
IT WILL.
So suck it up, keep your dick in your pants, and don't humiliate your wife & kids.
mkay?
Good.
Sincerely tired of political foibles,
Monty
ONE MORE THING.
Make sure you grab the podcast for last week's Friday Night Live - GEORGE-A-PALOOZA!
Lots of fun things happened.
You'll see.
Or, rather, HEAR.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Family Ties
ME: "I think she's trying to hook up with as many people as possible."
MOM: "Hook up, like in the biblical sense?"
**This portion of the post has been redacted on account of my sister throwing a fit about it. So I'll correct any misapprehension:
My sister is the most beautiful person ever. She is generous and loving and always cares about everyone else first. She is so kind that she would never even swat a fly or squash an ant.
Except for the little comment tantrum.
There. Although she did call me a big fat liar, so...
When a family member misprounounces a word, do you make fun of them so much about it that the mispronunciation becomes the WAY YOU SAY the word?
Like in my family, we say "kraut'ns" instead of "croutons". And "fatty-guys" for "fatigues". And "Cowsy-wowsy" for "Quasimodo" (yeah, thank my brother for that one).
TELL ME YOURS. Or are we the only stupid family?
My dad likes to make shit up. I mean, like this totally bogus BS and of course then we all make fun of him behind his back.
I'm pretty sure he knows.
It probably isn't as funny to anyone else, but we still laugh ourselves breathless over it.
Like one summer my dad was using muffin tins to make ice cubes...and he kept breaking glasses.
He said the glass was weak because they were old and had been washed in hot water so many times.... he didn't seem to think that trying to stuff muffin-sized ice cubes into the glass had ANYTHING to do with it.
So now whenever someone breaks a glass, we say that it must have been washed in hot water too many times.
And the time he was outside using the water hose to spray down the brick on the corner of their house (the corner which was my sister's bedroom at the time).
He said that wetting the brick would help keep my sister's room cooler.
The rest of us decided that perhaps she (sister) should run and turn off the ceiling fan in her room before icicles started forming on the ceiling.
Now, whenever we walk into a cool room in the summer, someone always says that Dad must've been outside watering the brick.
Oh, there is so much, much more.
Shit, I just realized that my family is totally insane.
I have PMS.
Do you think I can manage to lose 25lbs before BlogHer, short of liposuction?
So. How's your week been so far?
Entertain me. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENTERTAIN ME.
That is all.
Have a day.
MOM: "Hook up, like in the biblical sense?"
**This portion of the post has been redacted on account of my sister throwing a fit about it. So I'll correct any misapprehension:
My sister is the most beautiful person ever. She is generous and loving and always cares about everyone else first. She is so kind that she would never even swat a fly or squash an ant.
Except for the little comment tantrum.
There. Although she did call me a big fat liar, so...
When a family member misprounounces a word, do you make fun of them so much about it that the mispronunciation becomes the WAY YOU SAY the word?
Like in my family, we say "kraut'ns" instead of "croutons". And "fatty-guys" for "fatigues". And "Cowsy-wowsy" for "Quasimodo" (yeah, thank my brother for that one).
TELL ME YOURS. Or are we the only stupid family?
My dad likes to make shit up. I mean, like this totally bogus BS and of course then we all make fun of him behind his back.
I'm pretty sure he knows.
It probably isn't as funny to anyone else, but we still laugh ourselves breathless over it.
Like one summer my dad was using muffin tins to make ice cubes...and he kept breaking glasses.
He said the glass was weak because they were old and had been washed in hot water so many times.... he didn't seem to think that trying to stuff muffin-sized ice cubes into the glass had ANYTHING to do with it.
So now whenever someone breaks a glass, we say that it must have been washed in hot water too many times.
And the time he was outside using the water hose to spray down the brick on the corner of their house (the corner which was my sister's bedroom at the time).
He said that wetting the brick would help keep my sister's room cooler.
The rest of us decided that perhaps she (sister) should run and turn off the ceiling fan in her room before icicles started forming on the ceiling.
Now, whenever we walk into a cool room in the summer, someone always says that Dad must've been outside watering the brick.
Oh, there is so much, much more.
Shit, I just realized that my family is totally insane.
I have PMS.
Do you think I can manage to lose 25lbs before BlogHer, short of liposuction?
So. How's your week been so far?
Entertain me. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENTERTAIN ME.
That is all.
Have a day.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Great Expectations. And some other crap.
I love to read. Read read read read. I don't have many requirements of a book, except that it entertain me in one way or another. And as silly as it sounds, it can't be too wordy.
You know?
Like Danielle Steele's paragraph-long sentences with fourteen commas.
And Anne Rice. Did you know it took me six years to finish "The Witching Hour"? YAWN-FEST. I thought it was going to be my downfall; become the only book I started but didn't finish.
BUT I DID IT.
Then I made the mistake of trying to read "The Hunt For Red October", which, with all the technical stuff and choppy scenes, has been half-finished for about three years now. But I refuse to give up.
ANYWAY.
One thing I really hate is a badly edited book. Typos, misspellings, grammatical errors, poorly constructed sentences...they distract my eye from the story as my mind tries to arrange them in proper form.
Really, really, really hate that.
I expect better.
Strangely, however, most of those things don't bother me in the least when it comes to blog reading...or writing.
I'm way guilty of all that stuff, and I don't proofread because if it looked right the first time, chances are I'll miss it the second.
But if one of you guys publishes a book, make sure your copyeditor does a good job.
And yes, I get the irony.
I'm thinking of homeschooling my daughter next year. Well, actually, my mom would do it.
She's a terrible student. Oh, I know, she's not the only one...but I also dislike her school.
If you've listened to my radio show or the podcast, you're aware of the current situation with the Band Candy and the trip to Six Flags Over Texas (the conclusion of which will be vented tomorrow, live on the show).
Dealing with the teachers, two principals, and a member of the schoolboard lodged the seed of discontent even deeper in my heart.
But my daughter is still not a good student, either way. She doesn't turn in her work. She doesn't do herstupid bellwork. She doesn't, despite the fact that she's grounded and yelled at, remember to take two seconds to put the homework in a folder that is specifically labeled for that purpose. She doesn't remember to write in her agenda, on which she is graded.
She does, however, get her nightly reading done. But then she doesn't write THAT in her agenda and have me sign it, so that she can receive a grade.
I know some of it is typical...but I also know that when she was born, the bleeding in her head caused some slight damage.
It's hard, if not impossible, to separate which might be the result of birth and which might be the result of teenageritis.
Oh, I can continue to sit with her as we go through her backpack, and she can continue to quail from the look I know appears on my face when she tells me - yet again- "I forgot".
I tried to abdicate and let her wing it.
Unfortunately I don't have that thing in me that other people have, that allows them to accomplish that.
She's a good kid. A thoughtful, sweet kid. A truthful kid. A smart kid. And in so many other ways, very responsible. She's well liked by her teachers and principals.
But the stress level isn't good for my heart OR for hers, which is already oversized.
So. Homeschool. Maybe for a couple-three years.
I need help. I know a lot of you are homeschooling moms...I could REALLY REALLY use some advice.
I have absolutely no idea whether or not I'm doing the right thing.
and now for something completely different...
MY SISTER: "What does 'refute' mean?"
ME: "Repudiate."
I laughed. She didn't.
If I ever predict your death, you can trust that it'll be completely accurate...because obviously I plan to kill you.
DO.NOT.MISS my show tomorrow night!
It's YOU BE THE STAR OF MY SHOW PART II!!
There's still time for you to record your song and email it to me.
And as an added bonus...
MR. FABULOUS co-hosts!!
You know?
Like Danielle Steele's paragraph-long sentences with fourteen commas.
And Anne Rice. Did you know it took me six years to finish "The Witching Hour"? YAWN-FEST. I thought it was going to be my downfall; become the only book I started but didn't finish.
BUT I DID IT.
Then I made the mistake of trying to read "The Hunt For Red October", which, with all the technical stuff and choppy scenes, has been half-finished for about three years now. But I refuse to give up.
ANYWAY.
One thing I really hate is a badly edited book. Typos, misspellings, grammatical errors, poorly constructed sentences...they distract my eye from the story as my mind tries to arrange them in proper form.
Really, really, really hate that.
I expect better.
Strangely, however, most of those things don't bother me in the least when it comes to blog reading...or writing.
I'm way guilty of all that stuff, and I don't proofread because if it looked right the first time, chances are I'll miss it the second.
But if one of you guys publishes a book, make sure your copyeditor does a good job.
And yes, I get the irony.
I'm thinking of homeschooling my daughter next year. Well, actually, my mom would do it.
She's a terrible student. Oh, I know, she's not the only one...but I also dislike her school.
If you've listened to my radio show or the podcast, you're aware of the current situation with the Band Candy and the trip to Six Flags Over Texas (the conclusion of which will be vented tomorrow, live on the show).
Dealing with the teachers, two principals, and a member of the schoolboard lodged the seed of discontent even deeper in my heart.
But my daughter is still not a good student, either way. She doesn't turn in her work. She doesn't do her
She does, however, get her nightly reading done. But then she doesn't write THAT in her agenda and have me sign it, so that she can receive a grade.
I know some of it is typical...but I also know that when she was born, the bleeding in her head caused some slight damage.
It's hard, if not impossible, to separate which might be the result of birth and which might be the result of teenageritis.
Oh, I can continue to sit with her as we go through her backpack, and she can continue to quail from the look I know appears on my face when she tells me - yet again- "I forgot".
I tried to abdicate and let her wing it.
Unfortunately I don't have that thing in me that other people have, that allows them to accomplish that.
She's a good kid. A thoughtful, sweet kid. A truthful kid. A smart kid. And in so many other ways, very responsible. She's well liked by her teachers and principals.
But the stress level isn't good for my heart OR for hers, which is already oversized.
So. Homeschool. Maybe for a couple-three years.
I need help. I know a lot of you are homeschooling moms...I could REALLY REALLY use some advice.
I have absolutely no idea whether or not I'm doing the right thing.
and now for something completely different...
MY SISTER: "What does 'refute' mean?"
ME: "Repudiate."
I laughed. She didn't.
If I ever predict your death, you can trust that it'll be completely accurate...because obviously I plan to kill you.
DO.NOT.MISS my show tomorrow night!
It's YOU BE THE STAR OF MY SHOW PART II!!
There's still time for you to record your song and email it to me.
And as an added bonus...
MR. FABULOUS co-hosts!!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thank heavens THAT'S over
Not that I don't love the gift giving--that's actually my favorite part of Christmas. No, it's the SHOPPING and the CROWDS and the UNIDENTIFIABLE STRESS that I don't care for so much.
AND.
I simply love how, when people get a present, they do nothing but complain about it. Way to go. NICE.
Maybe you should just be thankful that someone thought enough about you to give you one, whether or not it's something you wanted, whether or not it's something you wouldn't have chosen for yourself, whether or not you even like the gift.
THOSE people are the true Grinches who steal Christmas.
Is all I'm saying.
**I should note that there ARE a couple of exceptions, like if your spouse gives you appliances for which you had not expressed any desire, or if someone gives your kid a pet without checking with you first.
Some of those Grinches are members of my family, unfortunately. However, me being who I am, I couldn't remain silent.
THEIR shame, not mine.
and now for something completely different...
TUNE IN TONIGHT! Friday Night Live with Monty!
9pm CST, 10pm EST, 7pm PST
You can listen HERE or even HERE
CHAT ROOM will be open for your pleasure.
OH and PS I'm getting a LITTLE TIRED of the ads that appear on my haloscan comment board: LOSE 15 LBS with HOODIA! and MIRACLE DIET from ANCIENT CHINA or whatever.
I KNOW ALREADY! FAT FAT FAT! SHUT UP!
That is all.
Have a day.
AND.
I simply love how, when people get a present, they do nothing but complain about it. Way to go. NICE.
Maybe you should just be thankful that someone thought enough about you to give you one, whether or not it's something you wanted, whether or not it's something you wouldn't have chosen for yourself, whether or not you even like the gift.
THOSE people are the true Grinches who steal Christmas.
Is all I'm saying.
**I should note that there ARE a couple of exceptions, like if your spouse gives you appliances for which you had not expressed any desire, or if someone gives your kid a pet without checking with you first.
Some of those Grinches are members of my family, unfortunately. However, me being who I am, I couldn't remain silent.
THEIR shame, not mine.
and now for something completely different...
9pm CST, 10pm EST, 7pm PST
You can listen HERE or even HERE
CHAT ROOM will be open for your pleasure.
OH and PS I'm getting a LITTLE TIRED of the ads that appear on my haloscan comment board: LOSE 15 LBS with HOODIA! and MIRACLE DIET from ANCIENT CHINA or whatever.
I KNOW ALREADY! FAT FAT FAT! SHUT UP!
That is all.
Have a day.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
You know...
It's a damn shame that Child Protective Services is not nearly as diligent in protecting children as the animal rescue group that made Ellen Degeneres cry is about protecting pets.
Yes, I realize that many, many wonderful and caring people work for CPS or DHS or whatever initials you're familiar with...but when little babies in my state are taken from abusive parents and then HANDED BACK to the abusive parents so that they're beaten even more until they ARE KILLED...then yeah, that's a problem. I know that many of the Child Welfare counselors are seriously overworked, overstressed, and WAY underpaid. I'm pointing a finger at the system as a whole.
Apparently we care more about our pets than our children. Nice.
And a P.S. to the animal rescue group--enjoy your bad press. You made Ellen cry, for crap's sake.
P.P.S. I love Ellen.
Yes, I realize that many, many wonderful and caring people work for CPS or DHS or whatever initials you're familiar with...but when little babies in my state are taken from abusive parents and then HANDED BACK to the abusive parents so that they're beaten even more until they ARE KILLED...then yeah, that's a problem. I know that many of the Child Welfare counselors are seriously overworked, overstressed, and WAY underpaid. I'm pointing a finger at the system as a whole.
Apparently we care more about our pets than our children. Nice.
And a P.S. to the animal rescue group--enjoy your bad press. You made Ellen cry, for crap's sake.
P.P.S. I love Ellen.
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