ONLY ONE WEEK!

Just a quick word for my Spartan Racers - HURRY!
(hahaha, see what I did there? "Quick" word? Oh never mind.)

Reebok/Spartan Racing is offering a Memorial Discount on your next race - $20-$40 OFF!! So now you have one less excuse to not sign up. **Offer expires 5/27 so go register today!

Just CLICK HERE and go register, and use the discount code MEMORIAL.
That's it.
Cake and pie. (Piece of and Easy as -- not "go stuff your face with cake and pie. Although that is not a bad idea)

While you're there, be sure to check out all the features to help you along in your training - Food Of The Day recipes, Workout Of The Day exercises for your body AND your mind! They'll help keep you fresh and motivated!

HEY, did you know you can raise money for charity and RACE FOR A REASON?



Okay, my good deed for the day is done.
Now go away.

This is...SPARTAN! Pt. II: Resolutions

So Christmas is just past and you're still excited about setting up that new FitBit until you lose it or by the time two weeks have passed you've forgotten to wear it more often than not and you haul out your New Year's Resolutions, or as I like to call it: Setting Yourself Up For Epic Failure And Embarrassment And Oh Yeah That Gym Membership You'll Be Paying Out The Ass For The Next 20 Years And Only Use It Twice.

But don't let that discourage you.
Really.
I mean it.
Have a cookie and a Netflix binge.

I do know that there are a select group of you who will actually follow through with your
1. Get in shape/exercise/lose weight!
resolution. At least for longer than...January. So YOU PEOPLE, this is for you.

Last year I wrote a post for Spartan Races/Reebok, and I guess I did a good enough job that they've asked me to write another this year to tell you about some new and different stuff they've got happening. I looked at the Spartan Race website and I tell you, it was nearly enough to make me want to enter a race myself. [nearly. that is an important qualifier]
It is ADVENTURE RACING at it's finest. I like the way they put it on the website: "Spartan Race is on a mission to get you active, healthy, excited about change, and return to our ancient roots where running through the woods, getting dirty, and facing adversity was part of everyday life. Our events are all about challenging today's perception of normal."

***I HAVE A FREE RACE CODE TO GIVE AWAY! Details at the end! FREE BABY!***

The coolest new thing in my opinion happens in March - you will TAKE A CRUISE to the race! From Port of Miami you'll be taken to Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas for a Spartan Sprint - which is a brand new thing.
A CRUISE. Travel in style before you go pound the crap out of yourself on the course! TOTALLY worth it and I'm not even being sarcastic.

As I mentioned last year, my friend Sean and some of his family and friends are frequent Spartan Race participants:

They tell me that some of the races are brutally intense but they've never had more fun.
One of the nice parts about the Reebok Spartan Races is that they're accessible to most everyone. For beginners, sign up for a Spartan Sprint! Beginner/entry level doesn't mean it won't be challenging though, so suck it up, Buttercup, and prepare to get down and dirty.
There is an intermediate level, an advanced Beast level, and an extreme level Death Race.
I will pay you upwards of $5 to show me some pictures of you in the Death Race.
I'm totes good for the money. Also? I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU. So you cannot refuse.

Need some help with the workout? They've got Workout Of The Day motivation and Food of the Day recipes to keep you on track. Also this year be sure to listen to the Spartan UP! podcast - hosted by bestselling author Joe De Sena.
Need to know where to race? They're scattered across the country so most people will be able to find one close - here's an upcoming race schedule - in fact in just a couple of short weeks you could be racing in So. Cal! (Local Okie friends - there's going to be a Super Spartan race in OKC in 2015 - get registered!)

There are even age-appropriate courses for the littlest kids! If your kid is entered in the Spartan Kids race, you get 2 free spectator passes as well. I think this is one of the most awesome parts of the Spartan Race experience, especially since so many schools have lost their phys ed programs and some elementary schools have even done away with intramural sports. It makes me sad, since I loved playing basketball and softball all through school, since I was about 8 years old. (gratuitous personal photos to follow:)

Do yourself a favor and get a SEASON PASS - start off with a sprint and soon you'll be headed for the Death Race!
I AM TALKING TO YOU, my triathlon-running friends, Warrior Dashers, and workout fanatics. Don't make me call you out by name on social media (although I probably will anyway).
At least go check out the website - there's a bunch of stuff I didn't even mention here because some of you have the attention span of a gnat and I know you *coffcoffJenniferDuplantiscoffcoff* are already thinking "TL;DR".

Do you remember me mentioning a FREE RACE CODE? Just leave a comment of some sort here, or on Facebook or Twitter, letting me know you want to be entered for the drawing. Every RE-TWEET and/or SHARE of the link to this blog post will earn you additional entries! Got ello.co? Share the link to this post and get another entry!
Drawing will be JANUARY 10th so you can get into an early race if you want.  Go forth and share!
***Added bonus: Get 10% off any race when you register with the code: SPARTANBLOGGER

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P.S. Dear Reebok, I don't suppose that there's any chance you could hunt up a pair of those classic plain solid white leather sneakers with the embroidered round emblem on the side, the ones I can't find anymore? Women's size 9. I think they're NPC II classics. I'm just saying it would be a nice gift for some deserving someone. It might even inspire a person to train for a Spartan Race. #Maybe :)
These ones:

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(**Disclaimer: I am receiving NOTHING for posting this advertisement. They asked and I posted because

1. Fitness + Fun = Good times and great memories
2. I DO WHAT I WANT
C. I could totally keep the free race code for myself if I wanted to. But hey, I'm all about the readers getting something good. I'm totes unselfish like that.)

Grin and bare it.

Okay, so I loooove trying out new skin care products. I review them every chance I get -- I have some favorites, but often those are the most expensive ones so once my review sample is gone, I go back to my same ol' ways. But I keep trying every single product that is offered to me.
It's sort of like the Princess kissing all those frogs; eventually there will be some magic transformation.
I'm not really sure if I'm the Princess or the frog in this scenario. ANYWAY.

I really have trouble with some "skin care systems" because they require about 6 steps day AND night and that's about ... well, I didn't go to math school but that's way too many steps for me to commit to. Sort of like most of my relationships. ANYWAY.

My regular regime is: wash face when I am in the shower. Apply moisturizer if I remember. The end.

Also I don't like heavily perfumed face stuff. It's yuck and gets all in my nose and my sinuses swell up and I can't breathe and some day this will probably cause my death. In fact, if I'm found un-living on my bathroom floor with a pot of skin cream in my hand, please make sure my family knows to sue the shit out of whatever company that is.
And those thick, greasy "nighttime" moisturizers? 9 of 10 times I hate those -- they're supposedly "so rich and thick" that your skin will look amazingly dewy and glowy.
Right. The glow is the amount of oil sitting there in that thick mess on top of my skin.
Remember that night cream your grandma used? That "glowed" with so much oil that it looked like she'd stuck her face in a bowl of Wesson Oil.
Or maybe that's what she did. ANYWAY.

The point is, I love trying new products even if I end up not liking them in the long run.
PRINCESS. FROG. KISSING.
Thanks to Klout Perks  and Eclos, I'm taking the #EclosGoBare  DARE TO GO BARE challenge - they sent me a sample kit and challenged me to take a bare-face BEFORE picture and after using the product for two weeks, a bare-faced AFTER picture. Here's what I got:

Skin Prep Cleanser

Moisture Therapy Regenerative Cream

Daily HydraPrimer SPF 30

***OH YEAH - DISCLAIMER THINGY:  I was given a free sample of this product because I am a KLOUT influencer (damn right I am), but I'm under NO OBLIGATION and no one is torturing me with thumbscrews or bamboo spears or even a passive/aggressive tweet to make me talk about the product or use it or even open the box in the first place. Clear? Excellent.***

I'm not super-fond of having my picture taken. I don't do "selfies" (also could there be a more ridiculous word? Well, maybe "irregardless. That one's pretty ridiculous and also redundant. ANYWAY.), so no making fun of me. At least where I can hear it. Or read it.

I took an EXTREME CLOSE UP no makeup picture showing just my problem areas because you don't need to see a whole faceful of that - dull skin with freckles and a ruddy tone. Lots of crow's feet from lots of sarcastic laughter. Horribly, deeply lined forehead. Puffy eyes.
I realize this post means I will NEVER DATE AGAIN.
ANYWAY.
Before:

(OMG WHEN DID THAT BUMP ON MY NOSE GROW? I don't remember it being that enormous!)

The wash was nice, not super-foamy, but felt good and my face felt clean afterward. The scent was fresh, basically just a light whiff of lemon
The day/night moisturizer was very thick - which scared me for a minute - but not oily and it absorbed well into my skin without feeling heavy or greasy. Also very lightly scented with lemon, not at all offensive to my nose.
The third and final step - a skin toner/moisturizer/anti-aging primer...well, I'm reserving judgment on that. I've only used it once and I don't care for tinted face creams. I feel like the tint will Oompa Loompa me. Also it's a bit of a weird texture and I can FEEL it on my face - I mean, my face feels it sitting there. Although in fairness I should say that when I touch my face, it does feel nice and soft and smoother.

ECLOS products are made with apple stem cells and are reported to be "anti-aging". Well I'm no Ponce de Leon but we'll see how youthful I look after 2 weeks.
Wanna see more (and hopefully less pretty)(shut it, allow me my petty vanities) "Dare To Go Bare" Eclos challenges?
Follow: #EclosGoBare on twitter and instagram

Wish me luck! And pray that I don't turn out to be horribly allergic to some apple-y ingredient and get all swole up and rashy and itchy and hivey and such. And if I DO...then pray it's not permanent.
But so far, so good.

B.O.B. Helps Those Who Help Themselves... ifyouknowwhatImean

Sex is natural! Sex is FUN! ~George Michael (a little mood music?)

So, you know, I don't talk about sex & stuff all THAT often around here... I mean HEY I like sex as much as the next girl (unless the next girl is like, Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson, in which case I have to say that I do not love sex QUITE that much), but unless I gots a little some'm some'm going on in my life there's really not much to say.

But I have this friend.
NO REALLY.

A friend who is NOT ME.
Unfortunately I can't use her name because her lawyers served me with a Cease & Desist order when I simply tried browbeating and threatening her asked her to sign the release form.

For the purposes of this post, we'll call her Kate.

ANYWAY.

Kate and I and some other girls were chatting, and as all males of the species know OF COURSE when women get together we discuss sex, men, and kids only.
Well it comes about that our friend Kate has never had a date with B.O.B. (that's Battery Operated Boyfriend, for the two of you who didn't know that).
I KNOW, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

Naturally I use any opportunity to plug (hahahaha! I said "plug"!)(not THAT kind of plug, pervy mcperverson)(because EW) my favorite place to shop for that sort of thing, EdenFantasys. (FYI: If you're shy about going into an "adult toy store", then DEFINITELY visit EdenFantasys.Com)

EVERY woman should have at least one B.O.B -- many of us have more than one because... well, sometimes you want to be treated like a princess and sometimes you want to be a ho workin' girl.

Kate does not even have a basic "Silver (or in this case, PINK) Bullet", which is a must for amateurs.

I was just ASTONISHED to learn that there are more of you pathetic uptight repressed sad B.O.B-less people than I thought.

So I got together with my friends from EdenFantasys and we decided to help you out a little.

WE ARE HAVING A CONTEST! A CONTEST I SAY! WITH PRIZES!

THE PRIZE: A $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE from EdenFantasys.Com, which you could use toward the purchase of a supasexy B.O.B. like Kissa**.
Body safe! Waterproof! Environmentally sound! (Going GREEN with PINK?)
**For the more advanced "dater", perhaps, NOT KATES.

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HERE'S THE WHAT:
YOUR PART: Email me (redneckmama1ATgmailDOTcom) the stories of your BIGGEST SEX DISASTER by MIDNIGHT CENTRAL TIME on SUNDAY MARCH 7th.

Did you fart during sex? Did your vagina ever eat a condom (or was that just me?)? Fall off the bed and get severely injured? Get caught? Get SOMETHING caught in a zipper or button?
TELL US EVERYTHING.

MY PART: I will post your stories here each day, where they will be reviewed by an expert panel of judges: Finn from A Life Less Ordinary, Secondhand Karl, and possibly one other judge.
If anyone knows about sex, it's these former prostitutes people.
They will ultimately choose the winner and runner-up.

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P.S.
DEAR KATE: Just in case, here are a couple of guides to help you find your perfect B.O.B.(s). Remember, B.O.B. is there for YOU. Also B.O.B. will never leave whiskers in the sink, skidmarks in his boxers, or expect you to cook dinner and/or breakfast.
Here's a BEGINNER'S GUIDE for you and when you're ready, you can check out The VROOM.

YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

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Disclaimer #1: Contest is sponsored (transparently!) by EdenFantasys.Com Adult Sex Toy Store, although I would have written the post with or without them. MANY, MANY, MANY THANKS for sponsoring the contest and providing the prize, EdenFantasys.com!

Disclaimer #2: Mostly I wanted to have the contest for my own amusement because I like hearing your embarrassing stories and later I will make fun of you behind your back.

Disclaimer #3: We do not discriminate against sex. We hope you're FOR and not against, but whatever. OH YEAH also I mean boys can enter the contest too.

DAMMIT.
I haven't gotten on ANY Mom Central blog tours in a looooong time.

Remember when I used to have LOTS of stuff to review?
Good times.

I guess I have to blog so they will LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!!

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Dear ANY COMPANY WHO WANTS SOME ADVERTISEMENT:

Please sponsor me for BLOGHER this year... because I'm really really really really tired of all the same old "Popular" crowd getting all the goods (yeah MAYTAG I'm lookin' at YOU).
I need $$ to get me to BlogHer (NEW YORK CITY, BABY! I've never been there!)and in return I will add you to my business cards, wear your clothing, give out bumper stickers or luggage tags or lapel pins (or Mini-B.O.B.s! WOO) with both our names or logos or websites.

COME ON. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

And Now A Word From...I mean ABOUT...Our Sponsors

"It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad." --Garth Algar, Wayne's World

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If I NEVER EVER EVER hear the words "monetize" and/or "transparency" again, it'll be way too fuckin' soon for me.

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In order to be like Mr. Cellophane, here's MY stance on the whole Sponsored/Ethical Blogging thingy, if you can stand one more person posting about it.

Seriously, I barely can and I'm WRITING the damn thing.

I get pitched for about 5 or 6 things a week, which really isn't many compared to what some bloggers get.
Mostly mine are for books, household products, little stuff like that. I'm not one of the "In" crowd who gets the big shit - cars and refrigerators and deeeelux vacations to Disneyworld or whole new wardrobes.
I'm okay with that because it seems like those are always the people who do the most bitching about everything and frankly I've got WAY better things to bitch about.

ANYWAY.

I turn down probably 9 out of every 10 "offers".
Like... if they begin the e-mail with "Hi Blogger" or "Dear Shane" or "To Daily Bitch" or when they say "We love your blog" and it's quite clear they've never even read it.
Mostly I turn down the stuff that doesn't interest me.
If I have ZERO desire to try it, or don't think I will like a particular product or read a particular book, I simply turn it down.
EASY PEASY.

If I DO decide to give it a shot, then it's because I am excited to try it out, to have it for my own, to get that free bottle of dishwashing liquid because I think I will be happy with it and want to pass that info on to my friends -- ESPECIALLY the $$ saving and/or GREEN stuff.

I DO NOT ACCEPT $$ FOR REVIEWS other than this (or let me qualify that with AS OF YET, because I'm not ruling it out, is all I'm saying):
Occasional $20 gift card to Amazon, Target, or for gift to a charity--I figure it's small enough compensation for my time in writing the post, considering I'm a lazy asshole.
I also, naturally, like getting a free book or free product sample -- sometimes they even send a coupon.

That's it.
I didn't start a blog to make money.
I started a livejournal then moved to a blog to foster a community, to vent, to share my experiences or troubles and get feedback.
I never even THOUGHT about blogging for $$ or reviews or anything else.
I don't want to think about it NOW, because it has nothing to do with this blog or my way of thinking.

You can tell what posts are "reviews" and "sponsored" because they are clearly marked in the tags, with icons of the group for whom I'm reviewing as WELL AS the manufacturer, and lots of links. And if you actually READ the post, it will say in there several times who and where it came from.

All that aside, what YOU do is fine with me. Why should I care?
Make a million off your blog if that's what you want to do; frankly, it's no skin off my nose. Just don't say HEY I LOVE LEXUS! for no apparent reason when what REALLY happened was they gave you one to test drive for a year.
Maybe I don't read your blog because you "monetize", or I don't read it because I don't like what you have to say or how you say it or your opinions or your utter vapidness or whatever. There are a million reasons for me not to read it.
(okay, mostly the reason is due to time constraints but HEY WORK WITH ME HERE I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT)

Ever since I got my first troll here years ago, I've had the same philosophy:

Why go in a titty bar if you don't like to look at naked boobs?

See how that works? If you don't like what we serve here...feel free to take your ass on down the road.

That's what *I* do.