You may have already seen some of these on Twitter. But I'm trying to spend less time there, as it is a giant time-suck.
Smiling and telling people to 'have a nice day' when they're enraged is a sure-fire way to make them pop a vessel.
Also it's a source of great amusement for me.
If I should ever become an "A-List" blogger (I KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!), I will go out of my way to be approachable and not a total douchebag.
You know you've been watching too much porn when you're actually surprised - and a little disappointed- that the pizza-delivery guy didn't make a move on you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a $20 in the g-string.
I stole the term "girl-wood" from one of Golfwidow's podcasts.
The best way to be remembered by your gyno is to ALWAYS carry a strand of pearls to drape artfully across your vajayjay -while half-closing your eyes and biting your lip in a sexy manner- during the exam.
I'm not good or bad, I'm just inevitable.
Sometimes when I say "you're the whole package!" what I really mean is "you're a real tool".
If I was a hooker, I would nickname my vagina "The Money Pit".
I wanted to be a massage therapist, then I realized my aversion to touching strangers might prove a wee bit of a hindrance.
I giggle every time I hear the commercial where the burly guy says "I'm so glad I switched to Cox!" Say it out loud. It's funny. Yes, I'm 12.
I'd like to tell myself that if I didn't work full time & had help with the kids, my house would be cleaner. But that'd probably be a lie.
I have given my phone # out more times on twitter than I did that time I got really drunk at the bar & danced on the speaker.
I was surprised to see that Speedos are no longer the fashion in Olympic men's swimming. Guess they needed to streamline their junk to be more hydrodynamic.
You know you're really old when that hot mermaid tattoo you got at 18 now just looks like a manatee.