Words Get In the Way

Part of the problem with hating to be a whiner and trying to rarely complain about health issues is that when you really really really really really need to talk about it, you don't know how.
You don't know how to start.
You don't know how to ask someone to listen. I mean seriously, who actually loves to hear a litany of someone else's health complaints? I don't.
I mean if you're sick, sorry, wish I could help but I can't. I can't be there in person in most cases. I can't drop by with homemade chicken soup. I can't pet your head and say "there there."
I don't want you to feel that way about me. I don't want you to worry, I don't want to feel like an inconvenience, I don't want to bore you if you just don't care.

On the other hand, I want you to pet me on the head and say "there there." I want you to hug me and comfort me and tell me I'm going to be fine.
But I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know if I should be more concerned or less.
Yet the thought of pity freaks me out and sympathy makes me awkward.

**AS FAR AS I KNOW IT IS NOT THE BIG C so cross that off the list for the moment. That may be the ONE thing that isn't broken.

But I am overwhelmed and scared and depressed. I'm confused with all the things.
I feel lost and alone and, for one of the few times, really lonely.
I don't know what to do.
So don't say anything. Don't ask me although I want to be asked, because I really have to process everything first myself, plus I'm not sure about anything at the moment.

I just wanted to tell you.

To summarize:

 Every once in a while you just want to be somebody's, anybody's, Number One Person.

I mean, other than "feared" or "hated" or "enemy." 
I got that covered.

DISNEY: Behind The Magic Curtain

Reasons why I will never understand your Disney obsessions. 

I mean seriously, SO MUCH EVIL and DARK MAGIC. 
I mean people who won't even let their kids read Harry Potter or Charlie Bone because of all the magic CLEARLY HAVE NEVER SEEN A DISNEY MOVIE.

Beauty and the Beast.

Beast: Lookit, I know you're a prisoner here and all but srsly look at me. Frankly the only way I can get girls is kidnapping and imprisonment. But hey, you can roam freely except the west wing.
#HumanTrafficking

Belle: What's in the west wing? (besides that awesome show with Martin Sheen and Rob Lowe and Joshua Malina and the delightful & delicious #PretendBoyfriend Bradley Whitford)

Beast: IT IS FORBIDDEN! I know, I know, I should just say HEY that's my personal area where I live and there's a giant litterbox I'm embarrassed of and also I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY STUFF OKAY? But doy, I'm stupid and sort of a bully.

Belle: Well  I do what I want and get away with it because you know I'm so beautiful and everyone thinks that and I'm such a rebel Ima go get all up in your stuff and touch everything and possibly ruin a whooooole bunch of lives in the process so SUCK IT BITCHBEAST.
#Privilege #Entitlement 
Also EW #BESTIALITY.

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And then there's Snow White.

Evil Queen: Hey dude, go do a murder for me on this girl just because she's pretty. Here's a fancy jewelry box to put her heart in. I'm sure it will leak blood all over your stuff and start to smell but idc.

Huntsman: Here's your heart.  And hey here's a big platter of fresh bacon and ham and pork chops. 
Totally unrelated and coincidental.

LATER.

FIRST of all, bitch goes breaking and entering and then immediately starts criticizing the housekeeping. Then she makes all the animals do the hard jobs that require THUMBS while she sweeps the floor and twirls around like Billy Madison's kindergarten teacher la la laing.

Then some rando guy claiming princehood rides through the forest and finds a DEAD LADY IN A GLASS BOX and thinks, "Hmm, she's still so pretty and looks reasonably fresh so I GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT!"
So then she comes back to life - ZOMBIE - and probably will end up eating his brain and/or flesh at some point which really is no more than he deserves because EW #NECROPHILIAC #PERVY #GROSSTASTIC

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Little Spoiled Brat of the Sea. Daddy issues, anyone?

Ariel: OH HAI yeah I'm up on the surface of the ocean freaking people out so WHAT OF IT MIND YOUR BUSINESS. My pops has like 22 other spawngirls to worry about and I'm the baby so I do what I want anyway and it's no wonder mom took off and prolly faked her own death by pretending to be caught by a fish net.

Say, I wonder why I'm all alone when I have a fafillion sisters? Oh well they're bitches anyways.

Flounder: Um I'm pretty sure I saw a shark and you know they're not scared of fishpeople.

Ariel: SHUT YOUR BLOWHOLE, guppy, you're stupid and a baby.

OH FUCK SHARK SHARK SHARK!

Big Daddy: I WILL DESTROY ALL THESE THINGS BECAUSE YOU FINALLY NEED SOME DISCIPLINE IN YOUR LIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Ariel: I AM 16 AND IN LOVE AND I WILL MARRY THAT FREAKING PRINCE OVER YOUR DEAD BODY IDC. #Selfish #Self-absorbed

Prince Eric: Oh goody, a mute girl. Perfect ending to a suckass week.

OH BUT I LOVE YOU NOW BECAUSE YOU CAN DRIVE A CART.
You are 16, I am 18, older and wiser - I'll take care of you (pretend it's the gazebo scene from Sound of Music)

#StatutoryRape #KingEnabler #NeedParentalPermissionToMarry

Lion King

Nala: OH EM GEE lookie who's here, all growed up! HEY, sorry your dad got like, murdered and stuff and we pretty much abandoned you to your death, but remember what a heinous little arrogant asshole you were as a kid? And almost getting us killed? Good times.

Simba: I SEE DEAD LIONS.

Nala: Well we're starving and too scared to eat the nasty hyenas. Plus they're creepy AF. 

Simba: "Pride" of lions MY ASS, you pussy cats can't even take down some hyenas and a gross old scarred up murder lion. NICE. 

Fine, Ima just go BURN THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN. Bye Nalicia.

If you survive, we should hook up after. 

#Murder #HostileTakeover #ChildEndangerment #Arson

Pocahontas.

Ugh. Just no. 

"Conquering" Whitey taking advantage of and killing Native Americans and spreading his diseases I'm sure. 

#Privilege #Entitlement #Genocide

Peter Pan.

Tinkerbell? High toned grade-A bitch. And turncoat, betraying her "beloved" poster child for Arrested Development Peter to Hook just to get back at him because she so jealous.

Wendy? Drama queen. And perpetual "victim".  OOOO PEETAH! BOOHOOHOO! HELP ME! HELP ME! 

Mermaids? Shrewish, mean-spirited harpies with murderous intent.

And Peter? Grandstanding show off. And a total playa. Plus he likes to hit the hash pipe & I'm pretty sure the "magic dust" is PCP because it makes you think you can fly.
I begin to feel some small twist of sympathy for Captain Hook because srsly adulting is HARD and kids are ASSHOLES. And HE GOT HIS HAND BITTEN OFF OH EM GEE WTAF.

#amputee #Kidnapping #Drugs

Sleeping Beauty

Maleficent: GEE, you'd think you'd remember I am the MAGYCKEST PERSON IN THIS HEMISPHERE and make sure I get invited to all the parties. Just for that, your little snotface brat is going to prick her finger on a spinning wheel and DIE.
#MURDERS

King: HA! Well your invitation must have got lost in the mail, but you so cray if you think my daughter is ever going to do manual labor like spinning stuff. So whatever. Also you smell like rotten egg farts.

Also just in case WE ARE GOING TO BURN EVERY SPINNING WHEEL IN THE COUNTRY so there. 
#Arson 

Rumplestiltskin: SON OF A BITCH. Dude you are ruining my whole storyline!
*stomps out to go hide a spinning wheel*

Briar Rose: WTF no one ever even calls me by name. Like that David Allen Coe song. 
Also HEY LOOK A THING WITH A WHEEL AND POINTY STICK SO LET ME JUST TOUCH THE SHARP END!

100 Years Later 
**EDITED FOR DISNEY PURISTS: Okay, so the original fairy tale was a hundred year sleep, the Disney version had Flora, Fauna & Merryweather to break the Prince out of Maleficent's gaol and then still go kiss the apparently dead chick.

Prince: wow, I wonder what is in that castle surrounded by brambles? Lemme just go look.

WOW. DEAD GIRL BUT SHE LOOKS SO PRESERVED. I GOTTA KISS HER.

Oh goody, another necrophiliac. ARE YOU SEEING A PATTERN HERE?

Bambi

Bambi: Say mom, how come all the other kids have a dad? And oh yeah PS thanks for the lame-ass stripper name.

Bambi's mom: Oh, yeah, "Great Prince of the Forest." PFFFT RIGHT. More like Deadbeat Dad. Sweetie, have you ever heard the phrase "humped and dumped?"

Gunshot. Dead Mom. #MURDER
Also WTF HUNTER THERE WERE SOME 10 POINT BUCKS RIGHT THERE AND YOU SHOT A DOE I HOPE THE GAME WARDEN FINES YOUR ASS.

Bambi: YOU KILLED MY MOM YOU BASTARD SO NOW I AM GOING TO AMASS AN ARMY AND WE ARE GOING ALL UP IN YOUR GARDENS AND EATING YOUR VEG AND PLANTS SO SUCK IT HUMANS!

Bambi's dad: GD IT. What the hell. I guess you'll have to come with me now. Just keep quiet and don't bug me or you're out of here.

Bambi + Faline

FIRE FIRE FIRE. #Arson

2 New fawns: Momma, how come all the other kids have a dad?

Faline: Darlings, have you ever heard the term "humped and dumped?"

New Prince of the Forest Bambi waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off in the distance.

#Abandonment #ChildEndangerment

Just wait until I'm ready to reveal Old Yeller.

Until then, have a day. Now go away.

Let's weekend together!

With the whole Covid #DeathFest, we've (mostly)(the smart ones) been following the rules and taking precautions and staying home more, and a lot of people have missed out on vacations and such.
We've missed our ComicCons and Fan Expos and weekend getaways and road trips and adventures.

Even me, and you know I barely can leave the house anyway except that once or twice a year when I would get a free weekend AWAY. Away from kids, from diapers, from home.

I MISS IT. My last adventure was like FOUR WHOLE years ago!

So this weekend, come with me to relive my last few adventures. 

Seriously, it's one of the few happy-making things I've got right now, and they're all "tl;dr" and full of pictures with captions.

HEY AT LEAST IT IS SOMETHING TO DO OTHER THAN NAVEL-GAZING SO YOU ARE WELCOME, YOU INGRATES. 
*Said with love*

Plus I look at all your pictures on facebook when you get away, so. 

Now let us join hands and journey together into ComicCon and FanExpo weekends and even a "haunted" Halloween weekend adventure. You are going to have the best time ever, many people have said!

*Many people = Me*

Cemeteries and ceremonies.

I love visiting old cemeteries.
I love the peaceful feeling. I love to take photographs of interesting headstones and markers
I feel comfortable and calm in the midst of them.
I like to look at the names and the dates and inscriptions and imagine the people beneath.

But I never go visit my own lost loved ones.
In fact there are a few that I can't even remember which cemetery they belong to.
It isn't that I don't care, it's just that I can't seem to keep it fixed in my mind and that's weird because I remember SO MUCH STUFF. Useless, trivial, obscure stuff.
Maybe I block it out.
Maybe not 'remembering' makes me feel less guilty for not visiting.
I have no explanation.

Anyone else? No, just me then?

---

Speaking of cemeteries and such, many of you have been with me here long enough to know how my FINAL WISHES have changed and EVOLVED and how I've even written MY OWN SONG for the memorial.

So once again things have changed and yes, I still want to be cremated and yes, you still have to take a scoop of me with you when you leave, but the majority of my remains I want to be planted with a tree, so I can be the fertilizer. I mean everyone says that shit is the best kind of fertilizer and heaven knows I've been told I'm full of shit enough times in my life that seriously Ima have the best tree EVER and you can SUCK IT. I hope it's a fruit tree because it will have the most fruit, the biggest, juiciest, tastiest fruit ever, many people have said. 
Or it might taste like shit, to which I say HAHAHAHA HAVE ANOTHER BITE, SUCKERS.

ANYWAY. This is what I want: 

If for some reason this can't happen, my second choice is being put into a record (no really, a vinyl record that you play on a record player! YES THIS IS ACTUALLY A THING FOR REALS).

The album I want to be pressed into is, of course, Buckcherry's 15, and specifically the song Crazy Bitch. Alternate choice would be Carol Burnett's sign off song, because that would be appropriate.


So I would like the planting ceremony to be held at dusk, and wherever because why do I care, but I am going to need some hidden fog machines and speakers, because a nice ambiance with ground mist and spooky sounds, whooshes, moans, etc, is sure to freak some people out and make them check the backseats of their cars before they leave and if it's very successful, HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT ME. #SCORE!

MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR ME OR I WILL EFF YOU UP FROM THE AFTERLIFE AND I JOKE YOU NOT, MISSY.

Lazy AF Cooking Chapter 3 with bonus Lazy AF salad/appetizer

Lazy Robert Downey Jr GIF from Lazy GIFs

Want something light and refreshing?
You can serve it as a side dish, and appetizer, or even a whole meal especially when it's just too hot out to eat much.

BONUS: Lazy AF EASY CAPRESE salad

1 package mozzarella pearls
1 small container of CHERUB tomatoes (I mean I *guess* you could use any kind of grape tomatoes you want but unless they're coming out of your garden, go with the CHERUBS)
1 or 2 tablespoons (to your taste) of basil pesto. Mine comes from a jar but some of you overachiever showoffs like to make your own, so whatever.
Drizzle with balsamic vinegar (to taste - I usually count to 3)
Drizzle some olive oil all over it
A little fresh ground SHOOP (haha by which I mean Salt N Pepa by which I mean salt and pepper if you're too old or too young or too uncool to get the reference)

**you can cut the cherubs in half if you want, I usually only cut the larger ones because I like that delicious pop & burst of flavor when they're whole.

Mix it all up together and put in the fridge. I just mix mine in storage bowl with a lid because Ima eat that shit right out of the bowl anyways.

OKAY you can make a reduction/glaze out of the balsamic vinegar if you want to be all fancy but then it would go one step beyond Lazy AF and we don't do that here and also it tastes just as good with the balsamic straight out the bottle, so.

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Today's offerings are basically the same as chapter two only with NO CHICKEN if you can belee dat.
I KNOW. But I eat a lot of chicken because
A. It's way less expensive and I have a tight budget you know
2. I feel it's heart-healthier
III. My body is old and does not digest red meat as well as it should anymore and makes me logy.
BONUS: CRISPY DELICIOUS CHICKEN SKIN OMG YESSSSSSS.

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BONUS INFO: Any of the Chapter 2 meals AND these - you can substitute sweet potatoes for the regular potatoes for a change up.

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Okay so if you read Chapter 2 then you're already probably a pro at this particular "recipe."

Scrub your taters or sweet taters clean and cut in half - put them in the crock pot skin side down.
Throw some scrubbed carrots on top of them.
A little salt n pepper.

NOW THE MEAT.

Okay, so we have an extra step I don't mind adding when using red meat (or pork) -
SEAR IT.
Some people will lightly dust the chuck roast/pork roast/pork steaks/pork chops with seasoned flour and give it a good hard sear in a bit of olive oil on all sides before putting in the crock pot.
Some people will just season the meat and sear in olive oil without flouring it first.

I do both, depending on how lazy I feel that day.
But if you use flour, you have a more delicious bit of pan drippings to pour over top of everything, so whatever floats your boat.

Put the seared meat on top of your carrots and potatoes, pour your drippings over, and cook on low for about 8 hours.

SEASONING:  Seriously you can't go wrong experimenting here.
Sometimes I glug some red wine vinegar over the red meat or white wine vinegar over the pork.
Or vice versa. It doesn't matter BECAUSE THE MEAT DOES NOT CARE.

OR I'll use a couple bullio...boullio...those beef flavored cube things that you melt in boiling water & pour over the roast and then maybe a quarter cup of sliced pepperoncinis & juice over that. You'll have some nice jus that will also have soaked into your taters.

OR some people like to throw a stick of butter and a packet of hidden valley ranch dressing or dip powder in there. This is also tasty.

OR a little woozy sauce and a half stick of buttah is also very good.

Spice it up with a little sliced tamed jalapeno!

Add some corn on the cob on top for the last 3-4 hours of cooking if you want or if you are a weirdo and don't like carrots.

KETO FRIENDLY: Leave out the potato and carrot. Just put the meat and some beef broth/cube things in the crock pot. Cut a head of cabbage into wedges or thick "steaks" and cram those down on top of the meat for the last 3 hours of cooking.  The cabbage will soak up the deliciousness of the broth and whatever spices/seasonings you put on.
No cabbage? Throw in some brussels sprouts or asparagus or some sliced bell peppers and onion. OR ALL OF THEM WHY LIMIT YOURSELF?

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While we're on the whole "searing the meat" train, one more deliciously simple but lazy AF recipe for today.

I never really cared much for pork (well, I mean besides bacon and ham because...BACON and HAM), but the chops and steaks and roasts were always sort of dry or gritty or bland or all of the above so I never cook them. Also I really do NOT like sausage at all so I don't ever buy it (except those beef smoked sausage things which are totally different because I love them except they give me terrible reflux).

ANYWAY.

You will need some nice fatty pork chops or pork steaks. Bone IN.
At least 1 LARGE JAR of sauerkraut or 2-3 cans. You might need 2 large jars depending on
how many people and how much you like sauerkraut.

This recipe does not leave the pork dry or flavorless so even if you're not a fan of The Other White Meat, you should try this.

Lightly dust the pork chops or pork steaks - use the ones with the most fat on - with flour you've seasoned with garlic, Lawry's salt, pepper.

Nice hard sear in some olive oil and get that fat all crispety crunchety and melting in your pan.

While those are searing, put a layer of sauerkraut in the bottom of the crock pot.
Put 1 or 2 seared chops on that. Pour the pan drippings over alla that.

Another layer of sauerkraut, another layer chops, another layer of delicious drippings.
Be generous with the sauerkraut.

Repeat as necessary. Make sure top layer is sauerkraut & pan drippings.

Cover and cook on low for about 7 hours or until meat is falling off the bone and super tender.

**THIS CAN ALSO BE DONE ON THE STOVE TOP or IN A DUTCH OVEN, just cook it low & slow for about 3-4 hours or until meat is fork tender & falling off the bone. If you put it in the oven, I'd cook around 300 -325.
And to be honest, I really like the flavor better when it cooks all day on the stove top - but that's better to do in winter because who wants their kitchen to get hot from that? Plus you have to watch it a little bit to make sure the bottom doesn't burn. TOTES WORTH IT THOUGH.

**Some people like to cut very thin slices of granny smith apple and add a few slices on each layer, and some people even add a sprinkle of brown sugar over the apples.
I'm not a fan of this, especially the sugar. The apple though IS acceptable ONCE IN A WHILE. Just for a little different taste.
"That's swell!"
(raise your hand if you even get this)

Pork Chops Apple Sauce GIF from Porkchops GIFs

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YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

Lazy AF Cooking Chapter 2

*Disclaimer: none of these are intended to be presented as "original," just stuff I throw in a pot that takes minimal time, effort, and ingredients and yet is still tasty. Also I promise they will keep you from ever being nominated for Worst Cooks In America by your family and friends.

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Also? Any of the dollar stores has about a million spices for a buck or less. My staples are garlic powder, Italian seasoning, rosemary, thyme, oregano, and my big splurge is an enormous container of Lawry's Seasoned Salt because I use that on almost everything.
I also have olive oil, woozy sauce (worcestershire), balsamic vinegar.
If you feel fancy, grab some red & white wine vinegar. You do you.

---

This will get you through like a whole week of different things with the same basic ingreeeeds.

Scrub 2 or 3 largish potatoes and cut them in half.
Scrub some carrots.
Don't worry about peeling them because all the good nutrients are in the skin anyway.
Plus, ain't nobody got time for that.

Put the taters skin side down in the crock pot and then your carrots on top of them.
A little salt & pepper.

NOW YOU ARE READY FOR ANYTHING!
Got a whole chicken? Plop that sucker right on top of the veg and low slow cook 8 hours.
Got a cut up chicken? Same.
Rub a little olive oil or butter on the skin and season with whatever floats your boat. Garlic & Lawry's for me, sometimes a little rosemary and/or thyme.
Got a fresh onion of any color? You can slice that up and toss right on top of your chimken.

Boneless skinless breasts/thighs? SAME. Reduce cooking time to about 6 hours.
Want barbecue? Coat the chicken in bbq sauce & then do it again after about 5 hours.

Want something a little zesty? Marinate the chicken in zesty italian dressing, then dump that chicken and the marinade right on your taters & carrots.

Got some asparagus or mushrooms about to turn? Throw those over top of your chicken for the last couple of hours.

Basically the sky is the limit. The taters will soak up all the yummy juices and whatever seasonings you decide to use.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

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BONUS LEFTOVER DISH:

 Always keep a bag of zoodles/zucchini noodles/veggie spirals in the freezer.
You can steam them in the bag in the microwave but I like to lightly saute them in some olive oil on the stove.
However you heat them, put 'em in a bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and any leftover chicken and/or veggies from last night. Add a couple tablespoons (well, to your own taste) of basil pesto that comes in a jar. This all takes like 10 minutes tops and is delicious AND nutritious.
ENJOY.

Lazy AF Cooking with Bonus Lazy AF leftover recipes

I know, I know, since the whole quarantine thing many of you are actually using your time wisely (whatEVER) and actually expanding and practicing and improving your cooking skills because seriously what else do you have to do?

I'm a lazy AF cook on my best day - I mean I don't mind cooking, and sometimes I would actually like it, but when your kitchen is the size of a postage stamp and the only counter space you actually have is about 2 square feet on each side of the sing and head-blocked by the overhanging cabinets - it's difficult and you have to learn how to improvise and use shortcuts.

So if you're more like me, here are a couple of easy-peasy things that don't require much thought or extra ingredients or time.

IT ME.

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Put a package of boneless, skinless chicken breasts in your crockpot/slow cooker/instantpot.
(or thighs if you want. I don't care)
Put a block of cream cheese on top.
Cover it all with a jar of Pace Picante sauce. (I use medium, but you can use hot or mild if you're a weirdo)
Put the lid on and slow cook on low for around 6 hours.
Shred with forks.
Plop some on a warm tortilla and eat.
If you feelin' fancy, add a dollop of sour cream or guac, or lettuce & tomato.
You do you, Boo.

DAY 2 LEFTOVERS:
Roll up leftover chicken mess into leftover tortillas. (flour or corn, whatever, tho' I use flour for this)
Put roll-ups seam side down in a casserole dish.
Open a jar of alfredo sauce and mix in a can of Ro-Tel and maybe a little can of green chiles.
Pour over roll-ups and then you can sprinkle some mozzarella over top of that (if you want. Or not)
Cover with foil and put in the oven at 375 for about 20 minutes. Remove foil and put back in oven for about 10 more minutes or until cheese is bubbly.
VOILA - CHICKEN ENCHILADAS.

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Get a whole chicken. Massage it aaaaalllll over with some olive oil, a little minced garlic (or fresh. or powder. Whatever you already got in your cabinet), salt & pepper. Got rosemary or thyme? Groovy, add that on if you want. IDC.
If you have a lemon or an onion you can shove that up the chicken bum.

I like to roast mine for 15 minutes at 425 and then turn the oven down to 350 for about 20 minutes per pound. Make sure you stab it with your meat thermometer in the middle of the breast & the thigh & check if it's 165°.
Make some kind of veg to go on the side, I generally will put some asparagus, broccoli, & cauliflower covered in olive oil/salt/pepper on a baking sheet on the top rack over the chicken, for the last 30 minutes.
EAT THE DELICIOUS CRISPY SKIN FIRST and ENJOY.

DAY 2 LEFTOVERS, V. 1
Pick leftover chicken off bone. Heat in microwave.
Throw it in a saucepan and pour a jar of alfredo sauce on it, heat slowly while stirring.
If you have any asparagus left over, toss that in the sauce too.
Boil whatever noodles/veggie spirals/spaghetti squash.
Pour sauce over noodle-y stuff. EAT and ENJOY.

DAY 2 LEFTOVERS V. 2
Pick leftover chicken off the bone.
Cook some rice (I use boil in a bag or the instant pot).
Mix rice, chicken, leftover vegetables, a can of cream of mushroom/cream of chicken/cheddar cheese soup - any or all).
Call it casserole and eat.

DAY 2 LEFTOVERS V. 3
Pick leftover chicken off the bone.
Open a bag of frozen mixed peppers and onions (or cut your own julienne slices fresh, Fancypants)
Saute the peppers & onions in a little olive oil and whatever seasoning you want - maybe a little soy sauce or worcestershire (I don't know how to spell that so shut it I DON'T CARE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT SO), maybe a little cooking wine, seasoned salt, whatever you like.
Add the chicken in once the peppers start getting tender.
When chicken is hot and veggies are how crunchy/tender you like them, grab your tortillas and VOILA, FAJITAS.
Once again, sour cream/guac/salsa/cheese if you like.

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Tune in next week for more Lazy AF Cooking, unless I'm too lazy to post it.

Quarantine observations.

I know a lot of people are really struggling - those of you who take for granted the ability to just get up and go, whenever, wherever.
Who holler HEY KIDS LOAD UP! We're going to the park!
Who load up your dogs for a trip to the dog park or on a hike or a stroll through the neighborhood.

ESPECIALLY if you're social distancing from your loved ones, from your kids, your spouse, your best friends. It's hard.

Some of us, like 24/7 caregivers...well a lot of us are used to it. To The Alone.
To Lonely. We don't get out much because we CAN'T get out much.  We don't take any of those things for granted because we've been without for years and years and years.

Some of you are experiencing a little piece of our regular lives, and I hope you carry that bit with you and remember it when we have to say "I'm sorry, I can't" for the eleventy thousandth time. Or if we do reach out and you have sort of brushed us off as "punishment" in the past, because you thought we weren't making an effort.
Remember the feeling. Forgive us. Don't forget us. Please.

---

Drive thru window employees have been so much friendlier in tone and in words, AND my orders have been 100% correct way more often since the dining rooms have been closed. I vote that all fast food restaurants keep the dining rooms closed forever because this has been THE SHIZZ.

---

Some people are learning how to tap into patience they never knew they had.
Some people are realizing how impatient they have always been.

---

I have learned that some people I might have tolerated are actually stupid garbage people with zero common sense and ridiculously hypocritical and illogical. #ByeFelicias

---

On the upside, LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS OF WHICH YOU FIND YOURSELF CAPABLE.
You're not just managing your household - and sometimes doing it alone for the first time.
You're managing to deal with your kids on a more full-time basis. You're homeschooling or learning how to help with online classes. You're cooking more which means more cleaning. You're becoming more self-sufficient, even with little things like manis and pedis and haircuts.
You're being inventive, creative, innovative, imaginative, in ways you haven't had to in years, if ever.
You're making it work, you're working smarter, you're finding solutions.
You are completing projects that you might have begun years ago.
You're spending facetime with friends and family more often than you did before.
ALL THE THINGS - with the exact same amount of hours in a day.
ALL THE THINGS - when you used to say "I don't have time for XX."
Doing more. Doing better. Managing your time. And probably even finding more time for reading and movie watching and teevee bingeing.
Be proud of yourselves, give yourselves a little back pat and arm punch and know that you are making it work.
YOU ARE HANDLING YOUR SHIT LIKE A BADASS SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

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YOU GOT THIS. STAY HOME. STAY MASKED. STAY HEALTHY.
Keep helping those of us with fragile immune systems and poor health stay safe.
We appreciate it, we really do.

A quarter of a century. POOF.

You ever notice and think about how big of a difference context actually makes?
I mean when you think about being married for 25 years it's like WOW OMG YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOREVER IT IS AMAZING HOW DID YOU DO IT?

Or I GRADUATED COLLEGE 25 YEARS AGO I AM OLD AF WHERE DID MY LIFE GO WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Or, as in this case, MY KIDS JUST TURNED 25 TODAY WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE THEY WERE ONLY BORN YESTERDAY.

And WOOOT I AM 25 YEARS OLD TODAY! YOUNG, FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE! 

LIVING MY BEST LIFE! HITTING MY STRIDE, MAKING MY WAY, YEAH BABY!

---

and with that, I leave you with The Annual Birthday Post Which Many Of You Have Memorized By Now. 

If you're new, then welcome to Our Story.

---

In the year, 2525... I mean 25, 25.


Every year before I revise and repost, I remember. I relive. And even if it's just for one shining day, these memories make everything else fall away: all the petty irritations and frustrations, the dislikes and grudgy feelings...all of the things that, in the long run of life, aren't worth the importance we place on them.

It's been a long tough journey that has passed in the blink of an eye.

---

---

THE DUE DATE: June 4th

THE BIRTH DATE: February 13th. Preemies for pre-valentine's day.

These children clearly get their lack of patience from me.  They were born at 24 weeks, or about 3 and 1/2 months early. They weighed just over 1 lb. each, and were about a foot long. I'm talkin' teeeeeny tiny. Micro-preemie, I think is what they are called now.

Anyway, this is my boy, at about a month old:

I woke up the morning of February 12th, headed for the bathroom, and after about 5 minutes I called out to the baby daddy, "Either I've lost all control of my body functions or my water broke".

I'll give you a hint - my functions were still under my control.

So natch we rushed to the hospital, where the stupid ass snot face condescending nurse (actually I love nurses in general, but this one? NOT SO MUCH) had me lay on a gurney for an hour and then said that I was fine, no fluid was "leaking" (I know, gross), and the pains in my back and belly were just muscles stretching, NOT CONTRACTIONS...and then she tried to send us home. 

Me being me, I caused a scene.

Hey, guess who ended up being right about me being in labor?

Here is my little girl, at about a month old:

The doctors tried to stop my labor for 24 hours, but apparently my kids were having none of that. On the 13th of February, my boy arrived in the usual way - of course, I was knocked out for the entire thing. My daughter was still safe and secure in her bedwomb -- the idea was to let her 'cook' a little longer (which would have been weird to have twins with different birthdays, right?).  So they were wheeling me into recovery when Miss Contrary's heart rate dropped to zero, and they did a SUPERFAST emergency C-Section to get her out. Evidently she didn't like being alone.
So it was like Twins Two Ways, with extra Mommy Staples.
This is also where I discovered my love of morphine. MMMMMMORPHINE.

Their ears were still folded down (WEIRD! I didn't even know ears did that until my kids were born. It was like puppy ears or something), and their lungs were not completely developed, and their little hearts were working overtime/doubletime.

They struggled for every single breath. They fought to live.

And so they did. And so they have.

Thank you, God.

Thank you for this little miracle....(my girl at about 2 months)

and this little miracle...(my boy at about 3 1/2 months)

The doctors gave them less than a 50% chance of survival.

Fortunately they got my stubborn genes as well as my temperamental ones, because my kids wouldn't listen to percentages; they went all HAN SOLO and were like NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!

Their hearts were overworked, their lungs were and are covered in scar tissue, they are cursed with keloid scars as well as scars from perc lines and picc lines and a million little junkie scars on arms and feet from being pricked with lancets every hour. They have scarred veins, they had damaging bleeding in their brains, preventing brain growth. And yet...    

Becca's first day home from the hospital! Nearly 4 months old and not even 5 lbs. I still have this amazingly tiny dress - I swear it's barely bigger than Barbie size. Those booties she has on? The foot part is less than 2 inches long. Each twin came home attached to oxygen and an apnea monitor - whenever we all went anywhere together it looked as though we were leaving home for a month, so laden were we with electronic equipment, oxygen tanks, diaper bags, strollers...which is partly why I became the hermit I am today. #Lazy

Here they're about 7 or 8 months old, I think (did I ever mention that I am TERRIBLE about labeling pictures? Because I am). Clearly Becca was already trying to wear some sort of tiara:

One morning I discovered that my daughter knew how to climb into her brother's crib.

When Becca was about two, this is what "Go get ready for bed" meant:


Josh had the softest, wispiest hair so I let it grow and grow... until that time I gave him a buzz-cut and he's been sporting a Greg Brady WhiteBoy 'Fro ever since. Unless I cut it myself, in which case he looks sort of like he's got the mange. #TrueStory

My High School Graduate 

There were middle-of-the-night phone calls with doctors on the other end of the line telling me that they didn't think THIS twin or THAT twin would make it through the night- so we'd rush to the hospital to sit and put our hands in the "baby terrarium", as I thought of them, and listen to the beeps and the whooshing of the ventilator and wait for the inevitable. There were six months in the NICU and 3 or 4 Thanksgivings and Christmases spent in the hospital. For awhile I thought they were going to name a wing of the children's ward after us, or at least keep "our" room in reserve.

There was RSV and BPD and ROP and a bunch of other things with initials that I barely understood.
There was double hernia surgery and laser eye surgery and surgery to correct crossed eyes. 

There were staph infections and thrush and even a broken arm that was caused by changing my son's shirt whilst in the NICU - he of the tiny little brittle bones. There were breathing treatments and nebulizers and oxygen tanks and albuteral and lasix and digoxin and tegretol and synthroid and constantly changing medications and frequent seizures and paralyzing fear (well, that last thing was *me*).

I remember a tiny Becca setting her pacifier down in something that had spilled...she picked it up, took a suck, and said, "What the hell is all over this?!" It made me laugh so much that I couldn't even correct her.

I remember one single sentence of absolutely clear speech from Joshua in 21 years...he was sick and angry and yelled, "I WANT MY BOTTLE!"  It was astounding and amazing and thank goodness my mother witnessed it or I would have thought my ears were playing tricks on me.

TWENTY ONE. 

(or The One Where Joshua Gives Duckface)

This milestone is especially important for Joshua, as he has already outlived all early predictions of life-span. Though it's a little like living under the Sword of Damocles, we do not give in or give up. And despite the fact that they were and are so fragile health-wise, for the last 10-12 years I can count on one hand the number of times they've had to go to the doctor or hospital. 

2 Twins at 22

(YES, Winnie The Pooh is still on the walls. Joshua loves Pooh bear)

*Mystery Of The Missing 23*

 2 @ 24 ea.

(or the one where that jackass boychild purposely refuses to look at the camera for 20 takes
and also is still wearing breakfast on his face because BRAT.)

And the QUARTER OF A CENTURY MARK.

I swear, the older this boychild gets, the more he is determined to thwart my picture taking.

And GirlMinion had to get glasses this year at last. Of course being the weirdo she is, she has one nearsighted eye and one farsighted eye. 

OF COURSE he was all about a selfie with his sister, though.

How could I not believe in miracles? When I look upon those miracles every day of my life.

I love you, my babies. I have been and will always be thankful for every breath that you take, every blink of your eyes, every morning that you wake. I love you with everything inside me.

You still make me laugh, you still make me cry, you still make me want to smack you upside your silly little bratty heads.

If all the world was a beach, I would love you more than all the grains of sand added together. Times infinity.

Oh well HAI 2020!

So just to catch you up on how my 2020 is going so far.

The other evening I left to go pick up Minion from work, and some dude was walking back and forth across the driveway (I live in a little "compound" with 4 little houses and a 4 car garage with apartments over top of them and we share a horeshoe drivearound driveway), and it looked sort of like he was either arguing with someone on the phone OR possibly looking for something because the light was on his phone.

My parents live next door so I called & told my dad to keep an eye on him, and just about that time the dude crossed the street into the neighborhood over there.

Later that same night... 
Around 10 pm there was a knock on the door...and for the first time in the 25 years I've lived there, I am a little ashamed to admit that I was too afraid to open the door.
Yes. Too afraid.
So I'm all WHO IS IT and a young voice said, "I need help."
THIS IS WHY I AM ASHAMED, BECAUSE I DID NOT OPEN THE DOOR.
Also I did not even use the peephole because I have seen WAAAYYYY too many crime shows and read WAAYYYYY too many thrillers and I did not want to get shot in the eye I KNOW SHUT UP BUT PARANOIA.

The porch light was on, I asked  what he needed, what could I do to help - he said,
"I'm 14, I'm about to get jumped!"
I said WHO IS GOING TO JUMP YOU? Stay there on the porch and I'll call the cops for you!
He said, "Okay okay, I'm leaving!"
And I yelled (still not opening the door) WAIT, I'm calling the cops TO HELP YOU! Stay up on the porch!

And nothing. So I call my dad next door and by the time I have that conversation, there is no one around anywhere except a couple walking their dogs across the street.
So basically I was so scared that I did not try hard enough to help.
Minion thinks it was a setup, and she's glad I did not open the door.
But someone asked for help.
I can't decide how I feel about it, except to feel bad that I was too afraid in my own home to open the front door when I've never (knock wood) had a problem of any sort in 25 years.
In fact my former babysitter's cousin is actually the only person who has ever stolen from me and if I ever run across THAT little bitch Ima beat her ass, I promise you that.

Two days later...
Okay, so for the past year or so I've had this...I don't know, kind of like narcolepsy where I just fall asleep in an instant. It happens at my desk all the time. Probably I'm just not getting enough "good" sleep, since I am old AF and have all the burning acid reflux and up 3 times to pee and drainage that makes me cough and I sleep in 2-4 hour chunks.
ANYWAY.
I'd slept in the recliner for some terrible reflux, woke up and Minion brought me coffee, and I nodded off before I could drink it.
Woke up AN HOUR later, requested a re-heat, and she left it in the microwave a leetle (lot) too long because it was about boiling.
She DID warn me that it was superhot.
I had it in my hand and...wait for it...
Next thing I know I am awake and screaming and scalded.
So I have 2nd degree burns and weepy blisters allllllll down my right side, from boob to hip.
And of course my arm is constantly hurting the ones on my boob and standing up and sitting down keeps burstin open everything on my hip.
Seriously it is so very ugly and gross, but keeping it clean and gauzed and it's finally starting to heal in most of the places -- the worst was having to soak the bandages off in my hip in the shower today because it was stuck very tight.
I KNOW, GROSS, TMI.

And so with no insurance and no $$, we're taking care of it at home and Minion is serving as an excellent nurse EXCEPT Nurse Ratched occasionally looks at the stuff when we're changing the dressing and her mouth crinkles up and her eyes go wide and I'm like STOP DOING THAT WITH YOUR FACE.
But it's itchy and healing and uncomfortable but at least we can Neosporin most of it now, so it doesn't sting too much.

Oh yeah, and my transmission thunked hard into first gear today, so there's that.
Some days I wish I was one of those people who could ask for gofundme help, but it's just not in me.
I'm just going to sit here and be thankful for a roof over my head, the warmth of the heater, the food on the table, friends to cheer me up, family, and the capacity to work & earn my way forward.

I need a vacation from my life.

---

So, how's your year so far?

Liars liars liars yeah, they're gonna getchoo

Well FIRST of all, did I ever tell you that story of how I HATE BEING TOLD NO??

Because Netgalley (may they burn in hell) DENIED ME when I requested an advance copy of  Liars' Legacy, Jack & Jill #2 by Taylor Stevens - ME, can you believe it? There should be a law against that if you ask me.
Also I hate and fear rejection, so there's that.

Never let it be said that I'm a quitter though.
I DO NOT PLAY. I GOT ME AN ARC TO READ.

This *could* be read as a standalone, but if I'm being honest the action starts RIGHT FROM THE OPEN and it's complex with several players, and I feel like you would be more comfortable sliding right into the story if you read Liars' Paradox FIRST.
Otherwise the first 1/3 of the book might be a bit confusing as you try to figure out the main players, as it picks up just past where the last book finished, which I LOOOVE.
(go get Liars' Paradox on your Kindle - only $2.99 right now! I'll wait.)

The only thing I can reasonably compare this to is the fun of a John Wick assassin free-for-all, and as we all know, I have a soft spot for the assassins.

This way you'll be all caught up by the time Liars' Legacy is published on December 31st, and it'll be like binge-watching your favorite show that only has two season dropped on Hulu so far but with books.

ALSO I just want to acknowledge and thank Taylor Stevens for letting me be her secret muse, because I KNEW as soon as I read these two lines: "mostly because she wasn't the type that people wanted to have as a friend," and "analog agent working in a digital world," that CLEARLY I was the inspiration here. IT ME.
(okay so maybe I wasn't even a thought near her mind but YOU DON'T KNOW IT COULD BE ME SO SHUTTIE)

In the first book, I found the main characters more intriguing, interesting, layered, and engaging rather than actually likable, which is totally okay for me - I don't have to like you to pay attention to you.  They've grown on me though, for sure, and they're even more fascinating in this new book.
They matter to me even more - I got invested in their lives.

The peeling away of layers of deception and disguise and the quick-change artistry.
The advance thinking chess-like 'game' that is their lifestyle, out of habit AND necessity.
They're pretty freaking brilliant, but with all too real weaknesses and flaws.

With a few more players added, with their own quirks and habits and weirdness and love of violence, well it just brings some more depth, some more layers, to the story.

There is so much conflict, both internal and external, that you really do want to just speed through and keep reading to get to the end as fast as possible because YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.  Remember when you got that OG Super Mario World on Super Nintendo and you didn't sleep for like four days because you had to go JUST ONE MORE level, beat one more boss? Like that.

As you know, I'm not fixin' to give you any more plotline or story than that, because YOU WILL READ IT FOR YOURSELF and I would hate to accidentally spoil it for you. *evil laugh*

Save enough on the Gift Card that is sure to be in your stocking and pre-order, because the publishing date is December 31 and if you're old AF like me, you will want to spend your New Year's Eve snuggled up in a blankie with a hot toddy (or Bailey's Vanilla Cinnamon on the rocks, YUM), with a new good book and the Rockin' NY Eve countdown muted on the TeeVee, ringin' the new year in RIGHT.

---

Also don't forget all those people you know with birthdays in January and February - the perfect gift would be both Liars' books!
Is all I'm saying.

---

**disclaimery things: I used my ninja-like stealth skills to hack someone's account and read THEIR netgalley approved request of this book SO TAKE THAT NETGALLEY HA!
***Okay that is a total bold-faced lie but it sounds cool anyway. A friend did let me read an ARC from NG because I can totally be the world's biggest pest and eventually you'll do what I want just to escape the waterboard-like torture I can inflict upon a person without even breaking a sweat. It's a talent.

#33581 Why I Hate People and How My Rants Are Likely Your Fault.

Weirdly I feel like the holidays are the times when I get most ranty but also when I'm filled with the most ...niceness? Caring? Generosity? So I guess this means the rant thing is your fault.
Probably. I mean it's certainly not MY fault, doy.

In my newsfeed on GrossBook.

Me: asking a question out of actual ignorance of a subject and wanting to learn.
Other People: THESE ARE NOT JOKING MATTERS I AM SO OFFENDED.

The next day...

The same Other People: WHY YOU GOTTA GET SO OFFENDED BY A GENERATIONAL TERM, HMMM?

Y'all wear me right the fuck out.
Like my kids, only I can't reach you to smack you in the back of the head.

I mean if I had a nickel for every time I said "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??" to my computer, I would have a couple socks full of nickels with which to beat you.

And yes, I COULD BE MORE HOSTILE if I wanted to.
I could be calling you out by name. AND Middle Naming you.
You do not want that.

---

AND ANOTHER THING.
This time of the year (well I guess it happens ALL year but it just gets worse in the Holiday Spirit)
everyone's picking on Walmart.
Now you're going to boycott them because the owners and corporate fatcats are getting richer off the backs of their underpaid, welfare-getting employees.
And I TOTALLY feel you. I get it.
I guess what I'm not understanding is the need to focus all your hate for Greedy Corporations on
WalMart in particular.
I KNOW the BigWig richies are getting richer.

But let me lay some enlightenment upon you.

Taking into consideration the cost of living and the economy where *I* live, WalMart is actually one of the better-paying employers.
They are also one of the most inexpensive places to shop, even grocery wise.
For poor people like me, they can actually be a blessing.
So you go ahead and boycott, applause applause for you doing what you need to do,
but me? I'm supporting them locally.

My daughter works for Sam's Club - yep, a WalMart company. She makes twice as much there as she did at a local grocery store for the last 6 years. She gets accumulated PTO, she gets at least three holidays off completely, she got a nice 15lb turkey for Thanksgiving PLUS a bonus on her check and she's only been there 4 months.

You want to talk about boycotting a store for treating their SERIOUSLY underpaid AND undervalued employees like shit? For the Greedy Overlords to get richer off the hardworking backs of the least of the employees? Then I'm boycotting Crest Grocery store.

LOOK HERE: My kid worked for Crest for SIX YEARS. She was hired at $7.50/hour and after 90 days probation, got a raise to $8.00.
FIRST AND ONLY RAISE EVER.
Also? They required EVERY employee to work a minimum half day on EVERY holiday (because they're a 24/7 store).  How many of those holidays got any sort of bonus or holiday pay? ZERO.
One year they did actually get a Christmas bonus, $10 store gift cards that they could use only at Crest.
They don't even have a proper breakroom - they have a meeting/breakroom with a microwave.
No fridge to store stuff.
When the microwave went out, the store manager tried to get the employees to "get up a collection" to get a new one.
I was all WHAT NOPE YOU BETTER NOT! I mean that's what the "miscellaneous" line in your budget is for, buster.
Turns out that at the end of the year, whatever the Store Manager does NOT spend in his miscellaneous budget becomes HIS YEARLY BONUS.
Now THAT, my friends, IS SIMPLE GREED.
They got pizza maybe twice a year as a "thank you."
And if a customer complained on you? IMMEDIATE SUSPENSION.
Doesn't matter what actually happened, the "managers" and supervisors never had your back.
Right before my girl had to have a wisdom tooth pulled, it was so swollen and sore that she could barely talk (but of course she showed up to work), and a customer apparently took offense because she wasn't chattering at him, complained, and she got a 3 day suspension.
She also took ONE sick day in the entire six years - and called in the night before her six am shift to make sure they had time to find someone to cover.
The manager on duty said she should not call in yet, to wait and see how she felt in the morning (this was her 2nd day of feeling ill and she was feverish), and when she said no, she wanted to call in sick NOW, he threatened her with a no call no show.
For the first time ever I had (had, wanted, needed, tomato tomahto) to get involved and called that little powertripping sonofabitch up and told him how things work in the real world and he did not want to get the labor department crawling over their store.
ANYWAY. No loyalty to loyal hardworking employees.
Cheating, money-grubbing greedy store manager.
No raise for SIX YEARS.
Then we she turned in her 2 week notice, the manager she spoke to said, "we accept your full notice" and then promptly took her off the schedule completely starting that day.

If she didn't live at home, there's no possible way she could've survived on just that one job without
also getting food stamps or some other assistance.

All I'm saying is that WalMart may be a really bad guy, but they're not the only one, or even the worst.
It's simply a matter of degree.

HEY, 'TIS THE SEASON FOR THE AIRING OF THE GRIEVANCES.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.

♫ He's The Wild One, ooh yeah he's a real wild child.

I KNOW - you thought I was never going to get this review up!

I was going to be all "I savored this book like a fine wine" so I could sound fancy but seriously who am I kidding, everyone knows I like $5 screw top sweet wine.

I could drink like a whole bottle of that right now. 

OR MAYBE I ALREADY DID, YOU DON'T KNOW.

I *was* however reading with my Picky Eyes because doy, ARC, uncorrected!
Those take me a little longer because I have to force myself to slow down and not zoom through unbarriered and gobble it all up at once.

**Transparency disclaimer: I have to admit this is a leeeetle bit of a Gimme because I knew going in that I was going to looooove this as much as I do the other #PeterAsh books, unless of course somehow author NickPetrie sustained some sort of subdural hematoma or other brain injury or split personality disorder (OMG IT IS SO A THING SHUT UP YOU DO NOT KNOW BECAUSE ARE YOU A DOCTOR? NO YOU ARE NOT) and completely changed the character and his writing style. Luckily for me us fans- and Nick himself of course- that does not appear to have happened.

You know I read a LO O O O OT of different series, they're my favorites. You've seen my book lists and recommendations and I have argued belligerently had discussions with nimrods people who DO NOT RE-READ THEIR BOOKS AND HOW IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED?
Seriously, when you're in a certain mood and want to have certain feels, you reach for the comforting words of THIS author and THAT particular book in the series because it is full of what you need to cure what ails you, at least for a moment when you are lost in the story.

Okay wait, this is not at all where I was going.
Series (serieses? series'?), right.

Out of the tens of...I don't even know how many...series I've read, there are less than a handful that I've ever thought, "No, THIS is the best one!" after every. single. book.
And then came Peter Ash.
And once again, the newest book is my newest favorite of the series.

This one doesn't even have much of a buildup to the action - chapter two and BAM! it was right in my face and I was anxious and curious and wondering and worrying.
I worry about Peter, you know. I get anxious for him. I FRET over him and the things he goes through and feels and thinks.
There are hints of dark humor in fight scenes that made me laugh out loud.
One of my favorite lines in the book tickled me because of the context and also gave me a deeper appreciation for my beloved thick hardback first editions, "You can't do that with a paperback."
At one point I was racing along, caught up in the story that I knew was leading right to the climax which made me a little sad because that's nearly the end and then I looked and THERE WAS WAAAYYY TOO MUCH BOOK LEFT AND WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN HERE AND PASS ME THE ZOLOFT.
And that is how I know that the author is an excellent writer and the book is an excellent book.

Yeah, that's pretty much all the actual book information you're getting because it is so much more fun to uncover it for yourself WHILE YOU READ IT, right?
All you need to do is trust me (which you should already be doing) and start reading.

I pretty much dig these loners that aren't superheroes, they're not perfect, they're full of hard edges and rough layers and sometimes they fuck shit up either accidentally or on purpose, they can be emotionally crippled or unavailable and I am getting so turned on right now.
#PeterAsh - If lovin' is you is wrong, I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT.

Wait. Where was I going with that? I keep getting off track.

What I meant was regardless of all that, they try to do the right thing  and do it the best way they know how, and that is why I love them.
Plus I am so much of all that myself so I feel like we have a lot in common only I am not nearly as skilled in combat or self-preservation BUT I COULD BE SOME DAY so you better just watch yourself, missy.

ALSO I learn stuff from these books so technically Nick Petrie IS MAKING ME SMARTER.
These books are educational you know!
Plus it was pretty groovy that this book was featuring Iceland and last year I did a book review that referenced Iceland and some of its practices which only proves that WE ARE RIDING THE SAME WAVELENGTH BRO which makes me even cooler, so.

I'm not going to tell you to GO PREORDER THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW! because if you're a fan and you're smart then you've already done that in anticipation.
I AM going to tell you that if you haven't read this series yet, START RIGHT HERE right now.

Lookit I'm giving you plenty of advance notice so that you can start reading at the beginning and get caught up by the time this new one is on the market January 14th and you'll have those Christmas gift cards burning a hole in your pocket and now I've given you the precious gift of how to spend them and saved you all the dithering.
YOU ARE WELCOME.
Now go do what I say and don't make me come looking for you because neither of us wants that.
For different reasons. #Lazy

---

**secondary disclaimer: I was given a free ARC of this book because I pestered the author for several months and I am receiving no other compensation except the glory of getting to read it before most everyone else. I did possibly swear a blood oath (willingly and without being asked, in fact, there might have been some kind of protestation against it but I didn't pay any mind to that) to give an honest review for that privilege. Now I might lie to you about some things in life (well OF COURSE those pants don't make your butt look more like a whole junkYARD in the trunk)(and sure, love ya too, mmhmm whatever) but I would never ever commit the egregious sin of lying to you about a book.
I'M NOT A MONSTER YOU KNOW.

♫♪ Talkin' about my generation ♫♪

The last few days I've had to sit back and laugh as I watch all the "Generation Wars" ramping up, much like the "MommyBlogger Wars" a few years ago.

I can't even keep track of what generation I'm supposed to be, GenX I guess because really that one sounds the coolest so it probably is mine.
Also WTF even is Generation Jones? Because apparently I'm at the tail end of that as well, being born in 1968.

I'm going with JoneX. That's my generation.
If you're cool enough I'll let you use that for yourself but don't hold your breath.

My generation is punk and goth and indie music. It's huge hair and cutout sweatshirt necks. It's layered tank tops and leg warmers and shiny metallic jazzercise tights. It's British Knights and Kaepa tennies with the upside down laces. It's bulky thigh length sweaters over turtlenecks with sweater skirts over long john pants. It's clove cigarettes and Strawberry Hill wine. Culottes and (American style) knickers, prairie blouses, Jams shorts and Jellies shoes. It's fingerless lace gloves and layered tutus over torn fishnets with combat boots. It's poodle perms and big round frames for our glasses, sparkly blue eyeshadow and green mascara, banana clips and feathering combs and those stretchy round plastic comb-like headbands.

We were weird and unique and we liked it that way. I still do.

I mean seriously WE are the only ones who ever learned how to actually program a VCR to videotape multiple soap operas on multiple channels during the day while we were in high school/college classes and then program them to tape movies off HBO, Showtime and Skinemax so we could watch all the movies when we were stuck at home and not out carousing and cruising The Strip with our friends.
WE ALONE could squeeze that fourth movie on that VHS tape by carefully running back the credits to the end of the movie, and starting the next at that SPLIT SECOND after the HBO logo ended at the beginning of the next movie, all using three remote controls for TV, VCR, and cable box.

TOP THAT, YOU ROKU FIRESTICK DVRers with your fancy voice controls!

Also we had the bestworst music. You either love it or you lovehate it, and even the country music was so much better.

I know we all think our own was probably the best (and although I don't really like kids of any age, I find the current group of youngsters/young adults are bright and tolerant and learning to fight for their right to paaaaaartay what's right)... but I mean really, in the grand scheme of Things That Actually Affect Your Really For Real Life...does it matter?

It appears that ALL the generations have some things in common, like the willingness to argue over EVERY. DAMN. STUPID. THING. EVER and also take themselves far too seriously in the broadest generalizations.
Have we just run out of better things about which to argue?
Is this like why Hollywood keeps making the same exact movies over and over, like we truly need YET ANOTHER WHOLE VERSION/GENERATION OF A CHARLIE'S ANGELS MOVIE OMG NO THANK YOU PLEASE!

Some of y'all need to just

SNL Simma Down Now GIF from Snl GIFs

My life in a sentence.

TMW you noticed earlier that black hairy spider on the ceiling and now you can't see it but you know they are the tricksy ones that often wait until you walk under the doorway so they can drop down on your head and now you are pretty sure it might be in your hair and you squeal and start to to flick your fingers through your hair to get it out and then realized that you slept on your back last night and YES IT IS 3PM RIGHT NOW and you haven't brushed your hair yet today SO WHAT MIND YOUR BUSINESS and it's a yuge rat's nest on the back of your head and there could actually be a small community of spiders living in that thing and you'd never know it so then you have to scream (and possibly pee a little if you're old and you've had kids and stuff like me shut up) and bend over to start shaking your rat's nest and whack your forehead on the desk and yell for help or scream GET IT OUT GET IT OUT and turns out there was nothing in there and now you see the spider near your doorway and now you're trapped in your room with a possible concussion at least until you can find a hairbrush and/or Windex.



via GIPHY

Little of this, little of that.

If I ever get another animal I'm naming it Peeve, so I can say, "Yeah this is my pet, Peeve."

I feel like I'm going to have a lot of animals with the same name.

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Speaking of Peeves, I've already put in a request to be a poltergeist after I die, and I will be like Harry Potter's Peeves and follow people around making sarcastic remarks and spitting paper wads at them.
So just like in my real life.

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In my facebook memories:

"If I ever open a tattoo parlor, it's going to be called Tattooine."

You will not get it if you're not cool.
ALSO STILL A VIABLE PLAN SO DON'T STEAL IT. GAH.

Also in facebook memories:

"If you don't get my jokes, you probably don't deserve to be my friend."

#TrueStory

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I'm opting for National Need Books & Booze Month, or NaNeeBooBooMo.

Which reminds me I tried NaNoWriMo one time and did like two days before it completely fled my mind, which is why you will never ever have to worry about competing against me on the NY Times Bestseller List.
YOU ARE WELCOME.

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Also it's MOVEMBER so the air will soon carry the scent of Jovan Musk and Boogie Nights.

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Becca took The Littles (my nieces) trick or treating last night so she got paid in candy and I'm figuring out my fee but mathing is hard.

So, like 4 twizzlers, 12 bite snickers, 7 Reese's peanut butter cups, and 8 fun size three musketeers makes like, what, one regular size candy bar, right? #Frankenbar

Don't worry, I left Becca all the mounds, milky ways, and generic gross stuff.

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Don't forget, this Sunday the other half of your clocks will be correct.