DISNEY: Behind The Magic Curtain

Reasons why I will never understand your Disney obsessions. 

I mean seriously, SO MUCH EVIL and DARK MAGIC. 
I mean people who won't even let their kids read Harry Potter or Charlie Bone because of all the magic CLEARLY HAVE NEVER SEEN A DISNEY MOVIE.

Beauty and the Beast.

Beast: Lookit, I know you're a prisoner here and all but srsly look at me. Frankly the only way I can get girls is kidnapping and imprisonment. But hey, you can roam freely except the west wing.
#HumanTrafficking

Belle: What's in the west wing? (besides that awesome show with Martin Sheen and Rob Lowe and Joshua Malina and the delightful & delicious #PretendBoyfriend Bradley Whitford)

Beast: IT IS FORBIDDEN! I know, I know, I should just say HEY that's my personal area where I live and there's a giant litterbox I'm embarrassed of and also I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY STUFF OKAY? But doy, I'm stupid and sort of a bully.

Belle: Well  I do what I want and get away with it because you know I'm so beautiful and everyone thinks that and I'm such a rebel Ima go get all up in your stuff and touch everything and possibly ruin a whooooole bunch of lives in the process so SUCK IT BITCHBEAST.
#Privilege #Entitlement 
Also EW #BESTIALITY.

---

And then there's Snow White.

Evil Queen: Hey dude, go do a murder for me on this girl just because she's pretty. Here's a fancy jewelry box to put her heart in. I'm sure it will leak blood all over your stuff and start to smell but idc.

Huntsman: Here's your heart.  And hey here's a big platter of fresh bacon and ham and pork chops. 
Totally unrelated and coincidental.

LATER.

FIRST of all, bitch goes breaking and entering and then immediately starts criticizing the housekeeping. Then she makes all the animals do the hard jobs that require THUMBS while she sweeps the floor and twirls around like Billy Madison's kindergarten teacher la la laing.

Then some rando guy claiming princehood rides through the forest and finds a DEAD LADY IN A GLASS BOX and thinks, "Hmm, she's still so pretty and looks reasonably fresh so I GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT!"
So then she comes back to life - ZOMBIE - and probably will end up eating his brain and/or flesh at some point which really is no more than he deserves because EW #NECROPHILIAC #PERVY #GROSSTASTIC

---

Little Spoiled Brat of the Sea. Daddy issues, anyone?

Ariel: OH HAI yeah I'm up on the surface of the ocean freaking people out so WHAT OF IT MIND YOUR BUSINESS. My pops has like 22 other spawngirls to worry about and I'm the baby so I do what I want anyway and it's no wonder mom took off and prolly faked her own death by pretending to be caught by a fish net.

Say, I wonder why I'm all alone when I have a fafillion sisters? Oh well they're bitches anyways.

Flounder: Um I'm pretty sure I saw a shark and you know they're not scared of fishpeople.

Ariel: SHUT YOUR BLOWHOLE, guppy, you're stupid and a baby.

OH FUCK SHARK SHARK SHARK!

Big Daddy: I WILL DESTROY ALL THESE THINGS BECAUSE YOU FINALLY NEED SOME DISCIPLINE IN YOUR LIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Ariel: I AM 16 AND IN LOVE AND I WILL MARRY THAT FREAKING PRINCE OVER YOUR DEAD BODY IDC. #Selfish #Self-absorbed

Prince Eric: Oh goody, a mute girl. Perfect ending to a suckass week.

OH BUT I LOVE YOU NOW BECAUSE YOU CAN DRIVE A CART.
You are 16, I am 18, older and wiser - I'll take care of you (pretend it's the gazebo scene from Sound of Music)

#StatutoryRape #KingEnabler #NeedParentalPermissionToMarry

Lion King

Nala: OH EM GEE lookie who's here, all growed up! HEY, sorry your dad got like, murdered and stuff and we pretty much abandoned you to your death, but remember what a heinous little arrogant asshole you were as a kid? And almost getting us killed? Good times.

Simba: I SEE DEAD LIONS.

Nala: Well we're starving and too scared to eat the nasty hyenas. Plus they're creepy AF. 

Simba: "Pride" of lions MY ASS, you pussy cats can't even take down some hyenas and a gross old scarred up murder lion. NICE. 

Fine, Ima just go BURN THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN. Bye Nalicia.

If you survive, we should hook up after. 

#Murder #HostileTakeover #ChildEndangerment #Arson

Pocahontas.

Ugh. Just no. 

"Conquering" Whitey taking advantage of and killing Native Americans and spreading his diseases I'm sure. 

#Privilege #Entitlement #Genocide

Peter Pan.

Tinkerbell? High toned grade-A bitch. And turncoat, betraying her "beloved" poster child for Arrested Development Peter to Hook just to get back at him because she so jealous.

Wendy? Drama queen. And perpetual "victim".  OOOO PEETAH! BOOHOOHOO! HELP ME! HELP ME! 

Mermaids? Shrewish, mean-spirited harpies with murderous intent.

And Peter? Grandstanding show off. And a total playa. Plus he likes to hit the hash pipe & I'm pretty sure the "magic dust" is PCP because it makes you think you can fly.
I begin to feel some small twist of sympathy for Captain Hook because srsly adulting is HARD and kids are ASSHOLES. And HE GOT HIS HAND BITTEN OFF OH EM GEE WTAF.

#amputee #Kidnapping #Drugs

Sleeping Beauty

Maleficent: GEE, you'd think you'd remember I am the MAGYCKEST PERSON IN THIS HEMISPHERE and make sure I get invited to all the parties. Just for that, your little snotface brat is going to prick her finger on a spinning wheel and DIE.
#MURDERS

King: HA! Well your invitation must have got lost in the mail, but you so cray if you think my daughter is ever going to do manual labor like spinning stuff. So whatever. Also you smell like rotten egg farts.

Also just in case WE ARE GOING TO BURN EVERY SPINNING WHEEL IN THE COUNTRY so there. 
#Arson 

Rumplestiltskin: SON OF A BITCH. Dude you are ruining my whole storyline!
*stomps out to go hide a spinning wheel*

Briar Rose: WTF no one ever even calls me by name. Like that David Allen Coe song. 
Also HEY LOOK A THING WITH A WHEEL AND POINTY STICK SO LET ME JUST TOUCH THE SHARP END!

100 Years Later 
**EDITED FOR DISNEY PURISTS: Okay, so the original fairy tale was a hundred year sleep, the Disney version had Flora, Fauna & Merryweather to break the Prince out of Maleficent's gaol and then still go kiss the apparently dead chick.

Prince: wow, I wonder what is in that castle surrounded by brambles? Lemme just go look.

WOW. DEAD GIRL BUT SHE LOOKS SO PRESERVED. I GOTTA KISS HER.

Oh goody, another necrophiliac. ARE YOU SEEING A PATTERN HERE?

Bambi

Bambi: Say mom, how come all the other kids have a dad? And oh yeah PS thanks for the lame-ass stripper name.

Bambi's mom: Oh, yeah, "Great Prince of the Forest." PFFFT RIGHT. More like Deadbeat Dad. Sweetie, have you ever heard the phrase "humped and dumped?"

Gunshot. Dead Mom. #MURDER
Also WTF HUNTER THERE WERE SOME 10 POINT BUCKS RIGHT THERE AND YOU SHOT A DOE I HOPE THE GAME WARDEN FINES YOUR ASS.

Bambi: YOU KILLED MY MOM YOU BASTARD SO NOW I AM GOING TO AMASS AN ARMY AND WE ARE GOING ALL UP IN YOUR GARDENS AND EATING YOUR VEG AND PLANTS SO SUCK IT HUMANS!

Bambi's dad: GD IT. What the hell. I guess you'll have to come with me now. Just keep quiet and don't bug me or you're out of here.

Bambi + Faline

FIRE FIRE FIRE. #Arson

2 New fawns: Momma, how come all the other kids have a dad?

Faline: Darlings, have you ever heard the term "humped and dumped?"

New Prince of the Forest Bambi waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off in the distance.

#Abandonment #ChildEndangerment

Just wait until I'm ready to reveal Old Yeller.

Until then, have a day. Now go away.