Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Deja Vu

Dear Lindsay,

Who do you think you're fooling? We all know you've only checked into rehab--yet AGAIN--because your lawyers tell you it will look good when you go to court--again.

Because rehab did so much good last time.
Here's a tip: if you don't believe in what you learn in rehab--if you don't make a conscious effort every single day to live what you learn in rehab...it doesn't work. Duh.

With any luck you will get a decent judge and perhaps you can share a cell with Paris and then you and she can be BFF.
Won't that be hot?
Yeah, I thought so.

Dear Lindsay's Mom,

Seriously, shut up. Oh, she's only 20! Oh, she has so many personal and professional issues in her life! Oh, there is "so much pressure on this 20 year old girl"!

waaaaaaaaaah. Poor, poor thing. Because everyone knows that celebrities are the only people in the world who have serious pressure and serious issues and personal and professional problems.

So let's all just keep on enabling, okay? Okay. Yeah.

and in a completely unrelated subject...

Why is it that when I date a man who says he has a great sense of humor...he never gets my jokes?

I can't be me.
Can it?

That is all.
Have a day.


I was reading the comments on someone's blog today and saw this username:
a teacher who doesn't plagerize

That made me laugh.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Monday Crapola.

first things first...
The podcast is awaiting you:

Come to the MPYR RADIO FORUMS and vote for a featured artist!
Voting is open to all and sundry. I strongly demand! encourage you to vote for my favorite, Bob Gentry.
Angie, this means you. :D

It's amusing and a little bit flattering to be thought of as "The Competition", especially when you had no idea that you were (nor did you even want to be) on the same playing field.

It's also vaguely insulting for the same reason.

Search Term Of The Week:

"What does Carrie Underwood mean by bathroom polo?"
Oh my dear, dear child. Obviously you have yet to experience this phenomenon--or do they only have condom machines in the bathrooms of the dives bars that you frequent?
You should come here more often, it's occasionally educational.

Saturday, May 26, 2007



After thirty minutes of wandering aimlessly about the grocery store, the only thing in your basket is Fruit & Nut Trail Mix (the good kind with sesame sticks), Salt & Vinegar potato chips, microwave brownies, and wine coolers.

Who gives a shit about #s 2-10 anyways.


Monday, May 21, 2007

But how did they know??

I stole this from Finn The Huntress...and damn if this test didn't peg me just right.

Okay boys...any takers? Who wants to be my hat?

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Outwit, Outlast, Outplay...nah.

Double Shot Friday!
A show you don't want to miss...
Great music! Technical difficulties! Me! A call-in conversation with none other than Jeckles of The Shitty Blogs Club!
And there was a spider on me. Gak.

Click here to get your own player.

Do you dare try to challenge for my title? Or is ya skeeeert?
Yella-bellied coward. Go on. You can try to pry the title from my cold, dead hands.

Sign up today. Read the rules.
(seriously, read the rules. They're the best part so far)

One of the rules is "If you think your blog is too cool to be sullied with this kind of silliness, don't sign up."

I just wanted to add that if you think your blog is too cool for anything...well, perhaps you should let me pull the big stick out of your ass for you and whack you about the head and shoulders with it.
Because that's just sad.

Come on & play...it'll be like a little ray of sunshine in your normal hum-drummery.

Friday, May 18, 2007

MotherTalk Blog Bonanza: Dangerous Boy Friday

**first things first:
TUNE IN tonight at 10pm EST.
Sit back and experience me. Bring booze-it's DOUBLE SHOT night!

It's time once again for a MotherTalk Blog Bonanza! Our topic is brought to us courtesy of the book "Dangerous Book For Boys".

I feel I should preface my post with a couple of things...
First, I have not read the book. YET (I'm waiting for it to arrive). I HAVE read reviews and author interviews, and I think I have a general (very general) understanding of the content. (and anyways this isn't a book review)

In one sense, I think it offers some interesting and entertaining projects and information for children.

But there's always that 'other hand'. I do NOT wish to insult the authors in any way--after all, they are men, therefore they are former boys, and they are writing what they know.

I am a girl. Well, woman now.
So I will write what I know.

See, they've left out a large portion of the population...I'm sure you've figured out which portion by now. I certainly hope the authors did not mean to imply in any way that girls wouldn't enjoy
A. Reading this book
B. Enjoying the activities contained therein.
I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt--since I haven't read more than an excerpt or two yet.

I did take a bit of exception to a portion of an author interview which stated, "The book is often bought by fathers, of course."
Perhaps things work a little differently in the UK, but it's been my experience that about 7 times out of 10 it is MOM doing the shopping, MOM being more likely to purchase a book for a child.
In my humble opinion, the authors would have been better served calling the book "Dangerous Book For Children".
But that's just me.

On with the Blog Bonanza!

I have a trampoline in my backyard. It has no safety fence thingy.
A friend of mine once asked, "Don't you want your children to be as safe as they possibly can??"
Well, yeah...but...

When I learned to rollerskate, I had metal skates that fit on over my shoes. I had no knee pads, no elbow pads, and certainly no helmet.
Same goes for when I learned to ride a bike.
Boys and girls played touch football together in the yard at dusk, usually with bare feet.
We explored the woods around us, plus all the little creeks and streams that cottonmouth snakes called home.
We caught ringneck snakes and lizards, crawfish and grasshoppers--the 'hoppers we used when we went fishin' in those creeks and streams.
We had bottlecap collections--we found them anywhere, everywhere, and used sometimes rusty nails to pin the caps to a plank of wood.
We walked barefoot on gravel driveways, we got fish hooks caught in our fingers and feet. We got ticks in our heads that our parents pulled out with little fanfare. Since we were mostly barefoot, we got stickers in our feet and learned to yank them out quick without hollerin'.
When I played softball, we had sliding practices. We learned to slide on the side; we learned to slide head-first.
We climbed trees and skinned our knees, we built precarious 'houses' in those trees.
We played with hammers and nails, screwdrivers, and wrenches. We dug holes in the yard with shovels.
We camped out in the back yard. We used a sterno stove to cook dinner and breakfast when we camped out.
It was never too hot to ride bikes.

Until I became a mother myself, I never understood or appreciated how my parents must have felt.
My instinct is to shelter, to over-protect...and I fight myself constantly so that I do not stifle my children. I freely admit that it's been one of the hardest things for me to do--back off & let them experience.

My cousin Sharon started teaching me to ride horses when I was young. They had a big white mare named Silver, and she (Sharon, that is, not Silver) and I rode double on a roomy western-style saddle.
No helmet. No fancy boots or jodhpurs. Once I was even wearing sandals whilst we were riding.
Last summer my daughter was learning to ride on a Shetland pony. She wore boots and jeans...no helmet.
One day the horse spooked and ran under a tree to scrape my kid off--and my daughter ended up with about 10 staples in the top of her scalp (you can read about it & see the pics).

As much as I wanted to forbid the riding of the horses after that...I didn't.
She (literally) got back up on the horse.

Kids get hurt. Accidents happen. Sad but true.

Of course we want to spare our children the pain...but how will they learn to live through it, deal with it, if we never let them experience?

I always had scrapes and bruises and contusions growing up, every finger and thumb jammed at some point (which my dad would yank back out), with a fractured wrist and a chipped bone in my middle finger (no, I wasn't flipping someone the bird at the time, it's a much more embarrassing story than that), a severely sprained ankle (3 times), cracked tailbone, and heaven knows what else--because I was experiencing life. I was playing ball and playing with friends and exploring and biking and running and climbing and skating and collecting and having fun.

I don't want my kids to suffer any of the painful things. But I'm not going to interfere too much, either.

As much as I loveloveLOVE to read, I just didn't spend much time indoors, especially during the summer. Mothers would shoo us outside with a popsicle or a cold drink and tell us to "Go play. Stay out of trouble."

That's why I wonder how those children (my generation) became parents who buy their children every electronic device known to man and let them sit around in a vegetative state in front of the TV. With video games, computers, whatever.
How did we get to this?

That's where I think the book Dangerous Book For Boys can play a useful part--with ALL children and parents--helLO, single mom here! No father/son thing...it's a mother/daughter/son groove.
The book tells of simple activities, like how to skip stones and make paper hats & paper airplanes, as well as more adventurous activities like making a bow & arrow or a go-cart. The book tells interesting historical stories (girls like history too!), teaches navigation and how to play poker.

Luckily, I'm a groovy mom & taught my daughter how to play Blackjack years ago. We've moved on to Texas Hold 'Em.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Is this all that's left?? Please, say it ain't so.

I really shouldn't make fun of people. Really.
I know. I can't help it, though. I'm mean and nasty that way.

I have a great sense of humo & a warm personality easy going ,honest,sincere and loyal. (what the hell is humo?)
I believe in alway's treatins people the same I would won't to be treated. (there's just SO MUCH WRONG with that that it paralyzes me)
I like meeting and makeing new friend's. I'm not real big on the night club seen (you don't like to be seen at nightclubs? What?)
but I do like to go out and have a good time.
I like out door's ,going to movie's, concert, live music, comedy, sooner, and the blazer. (The blazer? Do you have some sort of special jacket? Should we be calling it The Blazer?)(those damn pesky apostrophes! Look how they just keep jumping in there!)
But a peaceful evening at home sharing is also nice. (at this point I'm a little frightened of what you want to share)
I think romance come from the heart and mine. (from the heart? Do you keep it wrapped in The Blazer?)
Moonlight picknit , sun set and rise, soft music, candle lite dinners. (OOOH, my favorite pastime--PICKING NITS AT MOONLIGHT! SCORE!)

How did this dude get my email?
For crap's sake.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Riddle me this, riddle me that...

Question Of The Day:

How on earth does one single parent attend two fifth grade graduations on the same day, at different schools, when the ceremonies are only an hour apart?


Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all my wonderful friends (this includes the Daddies who pull double-duty).
I wish you the happiest of days.

Yes, this is really my cake. No, you cannot have it.
But I might be inclined to let you have a small slice.
Hey, it's cake. I'm selfish.

I'm one of the lucky people--I have two moms.
A wonderful mommy, and an equally wonderful step-mommy.
I'd be lost without them.
Thanks, Moms, for all the little things you do.
Like cookie pizza and pineapple upside-down cake on my birthday.
Like loaning me your convertible for a road trip.
Like making me Easter baskets and Valentine's Day baskets and Christmas stockings every year, even though I'm almost 40.

For all the meals you've cooked, for sitting in the bleachers during basketball games with a tube of superglue and my extra pair of glasses at the ready, for sweltering in the stands during all those softball seasons, for squinching your eyes closed and clinging to the door handle with a death-grip when I was learning to drive, for making my curtains, for giving me your last cup of laundry detergent because I was out and I just had to have that skirt washed right now, for these things and a million zillion more...

Thanks. I owe you.
Happy Mother's Day, Moms.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Opening Lines **STICKY NOTE**

This would be the second in a long line of nagging reminders about the upcoming BLOGATHON 2007!

If you check out the right-hand sidebar, you'll see 'Blogathon 2006', wherein you will find a long and distinguished list of my most excellent and generous supporters from last year.

Let's go a little further this year, shall we????
I think we'll start really (begging, bribing) working on pledges on July 1.

Remember how I've already started offering up bribes?
Keep that in mind as you open your hearts & wallets.

Here's the part where I need a different kind of help from you.
Last year's blogathon was GREAT fun, but as I got more and more tired, my brain was sluggish and it was very difficult to think of topics to post about.

HOW DO I NEED YOUR HELP? (besides $$, that is)
I need opening lines.
I can't pre-write posts (against the rules, y'know), but I CAN get them ready & jot down bits of ideas.

What I plan to do: Take your opening lines and make a very (VERY) short little tiny paragraph-or-two sized story.

Just think of an opening sentence for me, I'll do the rest.


Friday, May 11, 2007

TGIF. For many reasons.

Just a reminder...
whilst you're at home tonight (because, like me, you have no life) in your underwear in front of the computer ('fess up, you know you will be)...
then don't forget to come and join the rest of us who are doing the same thing:

Friday Night Live with Monty
Tonight. 10pm Eastern (7pm on the west coast, 9pm in the middle)

Let me entertain you.

**I forgot to mention--CALL ME! Be part of the LIVE show!
206-666-3570 (no, it's not Hell)(although I'm sure there are those who would disagree)

Thursday, May 10, 2007


Since when do kids graduate from fifth grade??
We graduated from 8th grade and then from 12th.
But fifth?

And what do you buy a fifth grader for a graduation present?

Is there a petition to Governor Terminator floating around out there that is for Paris Hilton going to jail?

Because I would so sign that.


I'd probably sign one for Tom Sizemore too.

One of the drawbacks to getting involved/friendly/lovey-dovey with other bloggers is that sometimes when you really, really want to be honest and release some (righteous) anger, you can't really do it without pointing a finger.
You know, typically I can be quite vague so that no one will say "OH! I KNOW exactly who she's talking about!"...
But sometimes what I'm feeling and want to blow out of my head is focused to a pinpoint and there's no way to hide who I feel is(are) the perpetrator(s).

There are those who have lied, and lied, and lied...and I've got no line of defense.
There are those who have deceived, trash-talked and whored themselves...and I've got no line of defense.
There are those who made public what should have been private...and I chose not to defend myself.

But if I tell you about it, then you'll all know exactly whom (who? I never get that right) to blame.
And my staunchest friends would happily go and defend me...and then a big ugliness would be stirred up and around and above and about and...

And then we'd have all sunk deep, deep, deep into the darkness of "their" level.

But the injustice still burns me, that I can't tell you about it.

And oh yeah, I accidentally drank a moth last night.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I love Mad Libs

Mad Libs is one of my favorite games ever and has been since...well, since I learned what adverbs and adjectives were from Schoolhouse Rock.

When my sister & mom & I play, whoever is reading the story out loud at the end is often laughing too hard to be understood.

I can think of a few of you I'd like to play Mad Libs with.

I'd forgotten about this site:

Subject: The STINKING INSECTS in the CLOSET and Other Business.

From: Mr. OCHRE, BRAIN Supervisor

To: All Employees of ROACH-INFESTED BEAVER Inc.

It has come to my MELTED attention that the CLOSET has been DELICIOUSLY OOZED AROUND with STINKING INSECTS. I am tired of dealing with MOLDY employees and their STINKING INSECTS. The CLOSET is meant for PROSTITUTING. It is not a CIGARETTE room.

On a more INFLAMED note, I would like to SPANK all of you for the DINKY work you all did on the VIOLET COFFEE CUP account. You should all be SLUTTISHLY BURNT.

Also, be sure to welcome FRED, the newest member of the PHLEGM department. They will be a CRUSTY HAMMER to our family.


Mr. OCHRE, BRAIN Supervisor.

And they also have this:

Once upon a time there has a young BANK TELLER named MIKE. He was SHAKILY DANCING in the BOOBALICIOUS forest when he met TOBACCO-STAINED JOE, a run-away WAITRESS from the SEASONED Queen DEBI.

MIKE could see that TOBACCO-STAINED JOE was hungry so he reached into his TUPPERWARE BOWL and give him his FUZZY LIVERWURST. TOBACCO-STAINED JOE was thankful for MIKE's LIVERWURST, so he told MIKE a very GAY story about Queen DEBI's daughter JANE. How her mother, the SEASONED Queen DEBI, kept her locked away in a OUTHOUSE protected by a gigantic DODO BIRD, because JANE was so CANDY-COATED.

MIKE BURPED. He vowed to TOBACCO-STAINED JOE the WAITRESS that he would save the CANDY-COATED JANE. He would HUMP the DODO BIRD, and take JANE far away from her evil mother, the SEASONED Queen DEBI, and GIGGLE her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a MASOCHISTIC TORNADO and TOBACCO-STAINED JOE the WAITRESS began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic DODO BIRD from his story. SEASONED Queen DEBI SKATED out from behind a SNOWSHOE and struck MIKE dead. In the far off OUTHOUSE you could hear a HOOT.


Please come play with me.
I want to see what you come up with.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Oh yeah...

...almost forgot THIS:

Do I qualify?

Oh sure, they send you this when it's too late.


Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings, weekends, and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Ever.
Extensive courier duties also required.


It is a lifetime position.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $20.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat just in case this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.



Your job is to remain in the same position for years--without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.


None required (unfortunately, in many cases).
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


Get this! You pay them--offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever you have left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
I know, sounds crazy, doesn't it?


While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered--this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and (more importantly) free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Thanks to my friend Jen for brightening my email with that little gem

Or you could just do what I do and let the dogs raise 'em.
Hey, they're housebroken.

Saturday, May 05, 2007


I think I just peed my pants a little.

where I can WATCH BUFFY TO MY HEART'S CONTENT (well, at least through Season 5).
Anytime I want.

This is like a little slice of heaven.
Thank you, cable internet.
Thank you, co.uk.
Thank you, Joss Whedon. I love you.

**UPDATE: THIS IS ALMOST BETTER THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY. I never got past "BU" when I was looking through the list of shows...today I thought I'd check it out.
I think I'm feeling a little faint...too much...overload...dizzy...have to lie down...

That is all--I've got to get back to season 2, ep 1.
I'm watching in order, you see.

Have a day.

Friday, May 04, 2007


10pm Eastern. Tonight.
Tune it in. I double-dog dare ya.

Faulty Memory

ME: "I think I'd like to marry Jack Reacher. 'Cause he can do stuff. He knows stuff."

MOM (dreamily): "Yeah, I'd like to have Jack for a son-in-law...we'd have a LOT more family dinners."

ME: "Except he's such a loner. He's always walking off alone at the end, down some deserted stretch of highway...like that guy on that show? You know the one with the Carradine brother?
That kung-fu show? Crap, what was it called, I can't think of it..."

MOM: "Kung-Fu".

ME: "Oh."

I thought this was sort of groovy...

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The (Inter)View...

Jules is puttin' the screws to me.
(No, pervert, she's not SCREWING me, she's interrogating interviewing)

So you know that interview meme thing that's going around?
So you know how I hop on every bandwagon that's going around?
This is the result.
Thanks, Jules!
I think the rules say that if you want me to pass this on to you, just leave a comment saying that you want to be interviewed.
(And really? It won't hurt my feelings if you don't want me to ask you any questions, I'm not really that imaginative)

1. You've just been chosen as Miss America. What debauchery from your past is going to come back and bite you in the ass?
Well, there are many answers to this question, but what immediately springs to mind is the (potential)threesome drunken peach margarita weekend at your house.
So you won't be winning Miss America either, missy.
(and P.S. I would've been taken out of the running during the swimsuit competition, unless they judge on the prettiest muu-muu)

2.You can only choose one. Sonic Cherry Coke (Crack) or the Man of Your Dreams? Which one and why?
See, if the choice would have been Man Of My Dreams or CHEDDAR PEPPERS, it would've been so much easier. Now I have to think about it.
Okay, I'm going with the Cherry Coke. Why? Because I can get half-price refills, as many as I want. Cherry Coke cools me when it's hot outside, refreshes me when I'm thirsty, and it doesn't lay claim to the remote. I can throw Cherry Coke away when I'm finished with it, and there are no hard feelings or shouting matches or tears (well, sometimes Cherry Coke cries a little bit). I can push Cherry Coke around if I want to; I am the boss of Cherry Coke. I can drink it as fast or as slowly as I want, and Cherry Coke never complains.
Plus? My dreams are usually nightmares, so I sure as hell don't want that faceless hunchbacked guy in the spangled cape and four inch strappy stilettos.

3. If you could design the perfect man, what would he look like? (not necessarily appearance, but characteristics?)
He'd probably look a lot like Cherry Coke.

4. How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?
Really, that all depends on how sexy I'm feeling.
OH, you mean a real tootsie roll pop.
One, two, three...*crunch*

5. Aside from the obvious prestige, what do you gain out of our friendship?
Well hell, you took my answer--prestige is what I would've said, because I get to hang around with one of the cool kids.
AND not to mention a place to get drunk and crash when I visit TexAss. *teehee, just kiddin', Texans*
AND the most awesome Chinese food and the special hot guacamole. :)
Seriously, I gain support and love and fun and a wonderful, strong, fabulous friend.
I love you. xoxoxoxoxox

*fade to black*

April has been a spectacular month for me...

How do I say thank you?

MommaK and Lindsay created, over a year ago, the Perfect Post Award.

The object is for you, as readers, to let those lovely ladies know every single month when you find that one special post that speaks to your heart...whether it makes you laugh or sing, cry or just feel.

Then? You get to spread the joy by giving out an award to that person.
Makes THEM feel special and happy, which should make you feel special and happy.

Today? I feel special and happy. And quite honored, especially since it was the deliciously delightful MommaK herself who offered me this:

The Original Perfect Post Awards – April 2007

...for my Blog Bonanza 'Fearless Friday' post

I'm so amazed...delighted that what happens to come from my head and my heart speaks to someone else's.

Thank you, thank you so much. I love you.