We Interrupt This Guest Blogging Experience...

...to bring you the June edition of the

PERFECT POST AWARDS!


I've chosen to award it to one of my favorite favorite bloggers,
Brandon of One Child Left Behind
for the post
On The Event Of Your Eighth Birthday
in tribute to his son Tristan.

It is somewhat lengthier than the norm, but I urge you to read the entire post. It is worth every single second you'll spend.

It moved me, like so many of Brando's posts do.
He is one of THE hottest hotties in all of Blogdome Come, and even though he's happily married most of the women who know him are half in love with him (okay, maybe it's just me)(but I doubt it)...not just because he has the face of a naughty angel but because of the power he has to string together words to tell a perfect story, guaranteed to wring emotion from the hardest heart.

Most every post affects me, makes me feel something...as this award winning post took me from admiration to laughter, to tears and joy and pity and love.
Brandon's posts make me sigh...sometimes dreamily, sometimes empathetically, sometimes in shared pain or just plain wonderment and awe.
Sometimes the sense of surreality (no, I don't know if that's a real word) leaves me confused and disoriented...but in a good way.

He's kind-hearted, even as he begs us to throw our best zingers his way.
He's unafraid to bare his breast and invite our judgment and swords, to show us the dark and murky corners where he sometimes lives...
...and we love him all the more for it.
Brandon, I don't know how you do what you do...but never, ever stop.

---

P.S. Jim called me 'yummy'.
I have now added him to my stable of pretend boyfriends.

Yes, I can be had for a compliment. I'm that easy.

---

***QUICK PLUG to HELP THE BOSSLADY***
NEW SWIMSUITS
ELEGANT SKIRT & DRESS SUITS
FUN FUNKY ARTSY TOPS FROM SKINNY MINNIE, CUSTO, GLIMA, ANTHROPOLOGIE, & MORE!
VINTAGE and DESIGNER clothes of all kinds!

Did you ever see...

...that old sketch on SNL called "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave"??

Guess who's back for another night? WAI, that's who!
I see that I've corrupted him; he's blogging like a pro and talking about boogers and brain-farts.
Is it any wonder that I adore him?
SHOW THE LOVE, PEOPLE!

---

I have a love/hate relationship with computers. I work on one at the office and play on another at home. They were supposed to make our lives easier and reduce waste. But they haven't. Not only have they made our lives busier, and they've increased paper waste ten-fold. I've also gone through 8 computers since I started building my own 12 years ago. Talk about your waste. Oh, I never just threw them out; I gave them away to my friends and their kids. But I wised up - I bought a laptop this last go-'round, which happened to have gone obsolete a week after I received it in the mail. *sigh* So, immediately I went buying the upgrades for it. A small fortune spent, but it was worth it. I hate having spent so much money (over the years) on something with so short a life-cycle. But I have to love them because they help me do my job and they've helped me meet all of you here.

---

I need some ice cream. I don't just want ice cream; I need it. Not that I NEED it need it. I mean, I won't die if I don't get some, but I need it in the sense that I have this overwhelming desire to have some. I need it to get a quick brain-freeze. And I have found out through experience that ice cream works best. Breyers. Vanilla. I need to freeze my brain. Because I've been having brain-farts all day long. Perhaps if I freeze my brain-farts, they'll fall out my nose in booger form. And then no more brain-farts. For awhile.
(**ED NOTE: I *heart* ice cream. It's my favorite food ever)

---

I need a vacation with no particular place to go. I love my job but it is stressful. I get 3 ½ days off this weekend; I have to work half a day on Saturday. Then I'm free! I'm driving up to the Catskills and hiding out in the woods. Maybe I'll bring my tent. I'm staying with a friend, but I just might decide to sleep outside. Maybe I'll bring my pellet gun and pick off chipmunks in the morning. Ornery bastards. I had one almost run up my pant leg once. Looking for nuts maybe? I wonder what chipmunk tastes like...
(**ED NOTE: Both of us on vacation at the same time...coincidence? *wink wink*)

---

Okay, I got myself a lime green Italian Ice. I'm expecting lime green boogers. No no. No pictures. That would be so so wrong on so many different levels.
(**ED. NOTE: Seriously. Good choice. About the no pictures, I mean)

---

Wai, I think you play me better than I do. Thanks for being here!! *smooch*

Two things...

...first, please stop down below and say hello to my guest poster, Wai.

...second, after you've completed the first task, go give my sweet friend WebKittyn a hug and some lovin' the way only you can. She's had a very trying week also.

---

Have a day.
That is all.

Guest Postin'

Tonight the part of Monty will be played by Wai
(yes, I pressured him into it by showing my boobs using my feminine wiles)

---

***Let me briefly introduce you to my friend Johnny Wai Cheeeze-It Yellow Cracker before I leave the stage.
He.Doesn't.Blog.
Yeah, I know, I don't understand it either. Weird. Nonetheless, I think he's fantastic. He's very sweet, plus he's always got my back and he gives me compliments. He called me Goddess Monty, which naturally earns him top place in my heart. (and thanks to my buddy CAM EDWARDS for 'introducing' us)
He's smart, funny, and knows how to be controversial.
C'mon y'all, give it up for WAI! *round of applause*

---

Okay. I guess I should tell a little bit about myself.

My name is Wai (pronounced “way”). I’m a 37 years old bachelor and I live by myself, somewhere in Noo Yawk New York. Try looking that up in a New York phone book and you’ll see there’s more “Chins” than a Chinese phone book...*blink blink*

My best friend is a U.S. Marine who calls me a “Little Yellow Cracker.” So I nicknamed myself “Cheeez-It” (the extra “e” is to get around the trademark infringement mumbo-jumbo). He also calls me a “Little Yellow Redneck.” No offense to all you crackers and rednecks out there, because if I were white, I’d probably be one myself. Haha. His wife calls me “Poo-Chink” (I think you can guess what the “poo” means) and I call her “Poo-Joo” (J-O-O spells “Jew” according to Eric Cartman). No offense to the Chinks Chinese and Joos Jews out there.

Anyhoo, I’m a Conservative who used to be a Liberal, but I've seen the light and went to the Right. Yes, I’m still kicking myself in the pants for ever having been a Liberal. I was young and stupid back then. That’s what happens when you grow up in Noo Yawk Shitty. I live in the ‘burbs now.

I work too much, but I’m not a workaholic by any means. It’s just my job demands a lot of my time – usually about 9 or 10 hours a day and sometimes on the weekend. I practice Architecture and I design group homes for the mentally and/or physically disabled. And it disgusts me to no end when people have the attitude of “Not In My Back Yard” when it comes to putting one of these homes in their neighborhood. I can honestly tell you that most of them are the sweetest people you will ever meet. I have yet to meet one that has a malicious bone in his body.

I also play hard. I play second base on my softball team, and I’m good at it too. The team still sucks, but at least we’re good at sucking playing badly. We’re improving though, and hopefully, by the end of the season, we will have won another game. Too bad the park doesn’t allow alcoholic beverages...grrr. That’s Noo Yawk for ya.

I like my beers cold and my steaks rare. And yes, I like rice...sheesh. I love to cook. As my nephew says, “You’re a good cooker.” I cook for my landlady, who has liver cancer and is on chemo (please pray for her). Her husband doesn’t cook, except on the grill, so I cook for her the healthy stuff. I also cook on demand. If I’m asked to make a particular dish, I’ll usually do it. And yes, I know how to make Chinese food. I love my wok. ;)

When I have time, I take my landlord’s brats kids to the rifle range and teach them safe gun handling and shooting. I’m a lifetime member of the NRA and proud of it. I’d rather they be safe around a gun than ignorant and be hurt or killed. I fish and hunt. My landlord’s kids ask me why I own so many fishing rods and rifles and I say, “because ONE is the loneliest number...” Well, I don’t really. Out loud anyway. I say, “because I can.” :)

That’s about it for now. Sorry, but no pictures this time. It’s real nice meeting you all.

---

**Ed. Note: I have pictures, ladies. And may I just say HUBBA HUBBA.

Feel free to leave your comments and Wai, feel free to answer them in the comment section. You have the floor. ♥

Spam spam spam spam spam Lobster Thermidor and Spam

Spam message of the week:

No, a deeper voice responded implacably. Assimilable ancillary Paul Sheldon's fifteen-thousand-dollar paperweight.

He was finally able to convince her that returning to work would put him forward, not back. All the world outside froze solid.
"We may have to check back with you."
It would somehow be easier, Ian had said, "if she looked." Like that all-time, double-ugly tag-team of The Cockadoodie Brats. Only for the last few months she's been going every day instead of just on Saturday afternoons, and the Paul who takes her is her pet writer instead of her older brother.
They had found her outside of Misery the pig's stall, with one hand wrapped around the handle of her chainsaw. Cybernetics.

Sounds like someone has been reading Stephen King.

Anonymous Posters? Guest Posters? Non-bloggers?

(Wai? Bobby? I'm talking to you too, pals)

---

I've had a rough week, and I need a little breather.

I'm not breaking up with you, I just need some space. I still love you.
Plus in a week I'm on VACATION and I will be out of town and unavailable.

Gmail me your guest posts. Let me know if you want to be anonymous, because that's okay with me. I know some of you who come here don't even HAVE blogs (and I don't understand that about you, but okay)...maybe you've got something to say to the hoi polloi?
Some of you might have something you'd like to vent/rant/rage/protest that you wouldn't put on your own space. Bring it on.

Help a girl out.

---

Have a day.
That is all.

Heading North

Do you ever get mad at someone, then get even madder because they don't know you're mad at them, and then when they finally say, "Hey, are you mad at me about something?"
you say...."No."

Or is that just me?

---

"Last night I dreamt I went to Manderly again of tornadoes again..."

I do dream of tornadoes sometimes.
Yesterday, as I drove back from Ardmore after dropping my Gorgeous Daughter with her Sperm Donor Dad, I was eerily reminded of a recent (premonitory?) dream...

---

In my dream...I was driving back from Ardmore, alone, having left my Handsome Son with Grandma because it was hot outside and the a/c in my car doesn't get cold.
The radio was off, and I was enjoying the silence and being alone with my own thoughts.
In my dream...I was driving out of the blue and into the black; sun-washed blue skies and puffy marshmallow clouds gave way to ominous gray anvils, bowl-shaped lowerings, and blurry slate-colored curtains in the distance advertising the rainfall.
In my dream...I became aware of the cool kiss of the freshening wind, the lush verdant scent giving way to the lighter smell of rain even as the first drops hit my windshield.
In my dream...within seconds I am nearly blind in the deluge, as I attempt to drive, crank up the windshield wipers and turn on the radio to listen to the weather all at the same time.
In my dream...I notice the cars pulling over, lining the roadside. Up ahead I see cars taking shelter under the overpass.
I hear the BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP of the radio, signaling a Warning.
I hear a roaring wind.
I see appear before me a whirling dervish...it picks up my car in slow motion, turning me around and around, and I smile at the Dondi-esque faces of the people watching, with "O"s for eyes and mouths.
Fade to black.

What really happened yesterday...I was driving back from Ardmore, alone, having left my Handsome Son with Grandma because it was hot outside and the a/c in my car doesn't get cold.
The radio was off, and I was enjoying the silence and being alone with my own thoughts.
What really happened yesterday...I was driving out of the blue and into the black; sun-washed blue skies and puffy marshmallow clouds gave way to ominous gray anvils, bowl-shaped lowerings, and blurry slate-colored curtains in the distance advertising the rainfall.
What really happened yesterday...I became aware of the cool kiss of the freshening wind, the lush verdant scent giving way to the lighter smell of rain even as the first drops hit my windshield.
What really happened yesterday...within seconds I am nearly blind in the deluge, as I attempt to drive, crank up the windshield wipers and turn on the radio to listen to the weather all at the same time.
What really happened yesterday...I notice the cars pulling over, lining the roadside. Up ahead I see cars taking shelter under the overpass....

But I just kept driving.

Creepy, yes?
Yes.

A POST-IT (sticky) NOTE

**Please scroll down for newest post**

---

"Sometimes she thought she was going crazy, but it was a happy kind of craziness." ~~John Sandford, The Night Crew

---

My Gorgeous Daughter and I thank you all very much for your kind words, emails, and get-well cards. She said "Mom, your friends are tight."
I'm assuming that's a good thing. :)
We love you guys.

---

I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON!
I AM THE SOLE SURVIVOR!



Mucho thanks to everyone who voted for me...you're fabulous!
Mucho thanks to my friends who helped me with all the tasks...you're the best!
I love you all.
Today, being the MOST shitty makes me feel LESS shitty.

Time to LUAU! (WebKittyn, I've got relish AND Magic Shell, just for you baby)

"We cooked a pig in the ground, we got some beer on ice,
And all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight..." ~~Hank Jr.

And the hits just keep on comin'...

I smoked a cigarette today.
Yes, yes I did, and I'm not even sorry. Much.
One.
Single.
Cigarette.
First one since Christmas day. I did it for two reasons:

A. I am weak
and
2. I've had a very trying week.

As you know, Monday my boss let us know that she's closing the doors of our studio for a six week 'hiatus'.
hoooooookay. I stayed strong, but I almost caved and smoked. Almost.

The week so far has been filled with a hundred small miseries~~nothing major, nothing really out of the norm, nothing that I can't usually handle. I stayed strong.

And then today...I get one of those scary calls from home.
Let me just show you what I've been dealing with since about 12:30 this afternoon:






Can you see the 10 staples?
She didn't even cry when they did it. Damn, she's tough. I fucking cried, but she didn't.

My gorgeous girl was horseback riding, the horse got spooked and ran under a tree, and a big ol' sharp branch split her scalp. AND knocked her off the horse, adding insult injury to...injury.

Now, just as a precaution, I must wake her up every two hours tonight to ask her questions like "What's your name?" "What's my name?" "What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

But I'm not complaining. I'm thankful it wasn't her eye, or her face...I'm thankful it wasn't worse...I'm thankful it wasn't a skull fracture (although they did take X-rays to make sure)...I'm thankful my dear friend came to the ER when he found out I was there and sat with us and then took us to Coit's...for all that and so much more, I am thankful.

But I'm thinking I should ask my fabulous friend Megan to have one of her Conversations With God to see if he's mad at me or something.

---

---

Doctor: "OH my GOODNESS, baby girl, what did you hit?!?"
My Daughter: "Well, when I fell off the horse I hit the ground..."

She is her mother's daughter.

So I was wondering...

Don't you hate it when someone promises to do something, and then they don't do it and they don't do it and they don't do it...and you give them a gentle nudge every now and then and they STILL don't do it or even respond to your nudging and then so much time goes by and then you get annoyed and think "Why am I still having to say something about this?!" and then you feel like a pest even though it isn't your fault and they STILL haven't done what they said they were going to do and then you realize that that person frequently seems to have a whole 'follow-through' problem and starts so many things that they never finish...

Or is it just me?

---

I like cloudy days.

---

The Shitty Blogs Club Survivor contest is over...the winner will be announced tonight on
SHITTY BLOG RADIO
beginning at 9pm Eastern time.
Tune in.

I have dial-up and usually miss most of the show, so think how fun it will be for YOU to be the first to bring me the good/bad news on the winner!

---

Listen to the show.
Have a day.
That is all.

I SWEAR we're almost done. I mean it.

I think this will be my last batch of pictures, and I'm sad to say I fell short by three items.

In hindsight I guess I should have used my (unexpected) day off yesterday to go to look for my final three things (golf ball, ball gag, and prison shirt)...but I was too busy being depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

I'm over it.

Things will work out. OH, and thank you all so much for your loving words, your supportive comments and emails, and your unending encouragement. That's why I fall in love with you every day.

---

Thanks to some wonderful friends for the following items:

Alala sent me this (crazed killer not included)...


And a reader, Myra, who de-lurked herself to send me this gorgeous authentic tribal mask (I should really get extra bonus points for that)...


Thanks so much for your help!

---

Jeckles, my darling, I'm done. I hope that this is enough to see me through.
Remember, you're my favorite. xoxoxoxoxox

---

I just listened to WEBKITTYN WEDNESDAY (the podcast from last week), and have to say a big THANK YOU to the gorgeous and very sweet WEBKITTYN for pimping my blog last week.
Remember, you're my favorite. xoxoxoxoxox

Sometimes Life Kicks You In The Head

Advice of the day...

Instead of bitching, count your blessings and be thankful for what you've got. It could be worse.

---

So I get to work this morning, only to discover that the router for our computers is broken so that we can't work.
Then a note from my boss~she's in the hole with her business and beginning on July 1, she's closing the doors for a minimum 6 week 'hiatus' so that she can dig herself out.

Okay then.

A note for me: "Sorry I couldn't be there, *daughter* had an appointment this morning. Call me!"

What I should have done: Absorb the information, let it settle for a little bit, turn it over in my mind a couple of times, take a deep breath or two, then call her.

What I did: Called my boss immediately while I was still shocky and unsettled from the information, had an emotional breakdown coupled with a small anxiety attack and made a blubbering idiot out of myself, with the added bonus of making both her AND myself feel even worse about the whole fucking mess.

Go me.
I'm so cool.

So I get to come home a mere thirty minutes after arriving at work (but hoo-ah, I get reimbursed for my gas), and try to accomodate combat a rising (lowering?) feeling of depression by taking a three hour nap which has left me unrested, logy, and slightly headachy.

Some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

---

Seriously, if there's a Sugar Daddy out there just waiting for me...now would be a good time.

Even MORE SBC Survivor...are we there yet?

but first...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Happy Father's Day to My Two Dads, and all you other wonderful Daddies out there.
You are appreciated and loved.

---

still going...

You'll be glad to know we're almost finished!
In fact with your help, I can get this task completed even faster.
I'm going to list the items I'm having a little trouble getting to, for lack of time.

PLEASE HELP!
If you have any of the following items just laying around your house (I know, if I don't have it, you probably don't either), please take a picture and gmail it to me. Ready?
Tribal Mask
Prison Jumpsuit or Shirt (usually I see these guys out picking up trash, but NOT since I've been looking for them, naturally)
Golf Ball (Mikey, I'm betting you have one...??)
Hockey Mask
Ball Gag

I'm counting on you!

---

Now, I had to eat about 472 pieces of toast and have two séances before my toaster produced The King...


I think that was the sequinned jumpsuit phase but I can't be certain.

Say...I wonder if this guy would like to make a playdate with my pet squirrel, Sammy:


He was pretty smelly, though, so maybe not.

While I am grateful to Jeckles for including the following two items, I probably shouldn't have eaten them on the same day:



This guy would be so yummy in my tummy...


Stay tuned...

Sisterly love

but first...
It's time for MIXMANIA v. HOT HOT HAWT!
It was so much fun last time, and I got some most excellent tunes from my match, the ever-wonderful Mamacita
Now, go see JIM and sign up to play along!

---

When I found out my brother-in-law works for ACME Brick Company, my first thought was It's a damn shame his name isn't Wiley.

---

I was watching Whose Line Is It Anyway? last night and 'tapeworm' was involved in one of their skits...reminded me of a story (I think I told Dawn this story once):

When my brother was about 7 or 8, he hit a growth spurt and he ate and he ate and he ate and he ate...and stayed a skinny little thing.
My parents said he must have a tapeworm and everyone laughed.

Later, since I am the all-knowing Big Sister, he asked me what a tapeworm was.

I told him that it was a really long (like 20 feet) flat worm that gets in your stomach and eats all the food that you swallow, that's why you always feel hungry because it's eating up all your food.

He got a panicky look on his face and his big blue eyes welled with tears as he asked me how to get it out.

I told him that he'd have to put a piece of raw bacon on his tongue and when the worm crawled up his throat to get it...he'd have to grab it and start pulling it out.

He cried.

I laughed.

That was the defining moment in our relationship.
Except now he's way bigger than me....but I can probably still make him cry.

I am the best sister ever!

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Rewind.

Sorry. PMS.

SBC SURVIVOR, The Final Task. Still.

****STOP!!! A cautionary word: SEE THE COMPLETE LIST of Scavenger Hunt items before you go any further.

---

Okay, here we go. As usual, please ignore the incorrect dates~I'm always taking the batteries out of the camera to use in...other things.

---

I used to see roadkill every day...until I started looking for it. Must be out of season.

---

I had to call on a dear friend of mine for help~Jeckles said someone could take a picture for me if I couldn't get to the item.
She shall remain nameless *coughKRIScough*, because I don't think she would want anyone to know that this MAN'S SPEEDO is being worn by David Hasselhoff in an actual poster that she owns.
Oh, she says ignore the Bonne Bell-glossed lip prints on the crotch. *teehee*


She's younger than I am, but managed to dig this up for me~and did I say THANK YOU yet?


And Lincoln Blvd is where all the hookers hang out, so natch it's right on my way home:


Here's Bernice. Okay, I don't know if that's really her name, but she didn't seem to mind. These things are afraid of nobody:


I have kids. This one was a Gimme:


As that bitch Mango so lovingly pointed out one night on the Shitty Blogs Radio Show, I'm old...so it's only natural that I have one of these:
(actually I DO have one of my own, but I think I broke it because it always showed that I was angry)


Now, hold on to your gorge.
Evidently OkieLand is not King of Sanitation...you have no idea how hard this next one was to find.
You have no idea how many men I accosted as they tried to enter the men's room in every store, restaurant, and yes, truck stop that I entered.
Are you kidding me, Petro and Love's Country Store??
I thought for sure one of you would come through...but no dice.
Normally I don't mind accosting strange men...but not the kind I found there. I'm pretty sure one guy thought I was a Lot Lizard; he had a hand on his chain-affixed wallet and a gleam in his eye~~so I fled.

What's a girl to do?
I'll tell you.
She takes one for the team.
She sucks it up and boldly goes where no woman should ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever go, especially in a seedy dive bar:


"Please don't eat the big white blue mint."

And my coup de grace for today, the crown jewel in my collection...
A Mango.
"The Man Behind The Fruit"

---

Stay tuned...we're almost at the end...

Intermission, take 2

Survivor pics tomorrow.

And I'm a little disturbed by the fact that grossest and most unusual stuff happened to be things I have around the house.
I'm not sure what that says about me.
I'm not sure I want to know what that says about me.

---

So I ran across a blog yesterday by a woman whose husband had cheated on her with a woman he worked with.
She reconciled with her husband...and apparently hubs saw the 'other woman' getting out of a car yesterday and he immediately called Wifey to tell her about it.

Then Wifey (author of the blog I was reading) went off on the other woman, with lots of whore, slut, etc etc.
I get the anger, the hurt, the lingering squinch your insides get whenever you think of that 'other woman'.

So, I guess Hubs was totally innocent, lured to his doom by the mystical, magical powers of the other woman?

I don't get that.

My ex-husband cheated on me, with a friend of mine, in fact.
It was easier to forgive her than it was to forgive him...because he lied and she told the truth when confronted...and because I knew the charm he was capable of pouring out.
I knew she was in a bad place.

Granted, my situation was much different...my ex husband was abusive and cruel, so it's no wonder that I wasn't willing to forgive him.
It was actually a good thing, because it was the last straw.
And it caused me to admit, for the first time (to my cheating friend, ironically), that I had been hit, and choked, and slapped around, and suffered so many small cruelties that were too numerous to track.

If you're sitting there shaking your head and thinking oh how could you be so stupid? Why didn't you just leave? Blah blah blahdeblahblah?
then I say you don't know.
If you haven't been in the situation, you don't know how...insidious...these guys can be.
How they sort of brain-wash you. (okay okay, how I LET MYSELF become brainwashed)
What begins as "We're lucky to have each other" becomes "You're lucky to have me" and then "No-one else will have you anyway".
When you're told you're ugly/lazy/fat/stupid/worthless over and over, a part of your mind begins to believe it.
I was always the loudest when I was younger..."No man will ever lay a hand on me!"
Well.
Just goes to show.
Luckily, I'm not the same person now as I was then.

but I digress...
(teehee, see what I did right there?)

Anyway anyway anyway.
I didn't mean to get into all that.
Alls I'm sayin' is that I will never understand why The Other Woman ends up taking all the blame, and your lying/cheating husband suddenly becomes The Innocent Man Who Was Taken Advantage Of By A Scheming Seductress And It's Okay That He's Weak Because After All He's Only A Man.

I don't buy it.
Is all I'm saying.

INTERMISSION

Something to tide you over until the next batch of Survivor photos:

GRAPH YOUR SITE!



You guys are all my little spokes & dots...you're so pretty.

---

Logging into a site the other day that has lots of advertisements and I see this:
"BLIND DATES BLOW!"

And my mind said REALLY? I didn't get the memo. No WONDER I never got a second date...

THE FINAL TWO...

**I'm sure I'm not the first person to ever say this, but I wanted to remind you:

Life is not a spectator sport. Get in the game.

---

****STOP!!! SEE THE COMPLETE LIST of Scavenger Hunt items before you go any further.

And we're off to a good start...but the finish is going to be difficult. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Now, I bought this on my first trip to New Orleans, from Marie Laveau's shop, run by her great great granddaughter (or maybe only one great, I can't remember)...and yes, I've stuck the odd pin in it.
Jeckles, you might keep that in mind when deciding on a winner~~I have a voodoo doll and I know how to use it:


The cocks that wake me every morning. The neighbor on the other side of The House Of My Mom keeps chickens...


My Deliverance neighbors *cue Dueling Banjos* have horses...


....and about five bazillion cats. I told Feral Child to come & find me when one of the cats horked anything up. I didn't have long to wait:


This, as you can see, is dog poo. It's from The House Of My Mom's guard dogs:


A beautiful conch shell...thanks MOMMY for having such tacky crap wonderful decorating taste!


And thank you, Son, for this gem *gag*:


Thank you, Daughter, for collecting snow globes...when I was a hotel GM I had to travel and would always bring her back a snow globe:


This is one of my favorite coffee mugs...and now it's even more special:



And I'm sure these don't need any explanation. I tried to pick the most innocuous pieces in my...collection.
Hey, everyone does it. Get over yourself.

---

Now I have to go find that damn macaroni art that one of the kids made me a couple years ago.

Stay tuned...

THE FINAL TWO.

Just Utopia and me on the Island now, goin' head to head.
The next few days will be devoted to completing the Final Task...

It's a scavenger hunt.
And I say...they have no idea who they're dealing with here.

***SEE THE COMPLETE LIST.

If you're going to gasp in shock or say "OH MONTY! How COULD you!", or in any way try to make me feel embarrassed or ashamed, then please do NOT look at the pictures.
It is the Shitty Blogs Club, after all, so it is only natural that there be some...shit...involved.
And I want to win.

Which is stupid really, because there isn't any prize...but I never claimed to be the bright one.
GO ME! I WANT TO WIN!
(you didn't know I had such a competitive streak, did you?)

I have my first batch of pictures ready to go for tomorrow...I thought I'd get some of the easy stuff out of the way first~things I already have in my house or things in the next-door neighbors' yards.

Stay tuned....

A week in review.

I have observed...

that people who describe themselves as hilarious rarely are.

that no matter how hard I try, I am unable to take myself seriously. I don't believe a word I say.

that there appears to be some direct correlation between ultra-high IQ and psychoses.
Say, do you think I could get government funding to do a study?
And some of you psychotic freaks smart asses brilliant people to volunteer?

that certain people whom you would assume to be the most well-mannered and thoughtful...aren't. It is astonishing to me.

that even as an adult, when you (and by you I don't mean you personally, I mean that other guy) start hanging out (and/or trying to curry favor) with the "popular" people, you tend forget about those who loved you before anyone else knew you existed. Sad.Sad.Sad.

that there are some of you (and by you I mean you) for whom I would give up a kidney. Maybe even a lung (aren't you glad I quit smoking?).

that the little things still matter the most.

that sometimes a simple 'thank you!' coupled with a smiley face :) goes a long way.

that people who don't follow through with tasks and promises are extremely trying to my patience. I include myself in that particular group of 'people'.

that I feel guilty when I disappoint you...but perhaps your expectations were just too high.

that (s)he who smelt it dealt it.

that if people were less critical and judgmental and more understanding of each other's quirks and eccentricities, I wouldn't be so pissed off all the time.

that people still have the power to surprise me in a good way.

that someone I thought was curmudgeonly is, in truth, sort of marshmallowy inside.
Like a campfire-roasted marshmallow: all burnt & crusty on the outside, filled with sweet gooey goodness.
I like that about you. And I promise I'll never tell~the secret is safe with me. To the grave.

that the Proverb which reminds us "a soft answer turneth away wrath" almost always works.

that I miss my pretend boyfriend Norman (The Blogger Formerly Known As The Author Of Espresso Sarcasm)

that if you don't know me by now...you will never never never know me...ooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooo

---

Sometimes I don't leave comments because if I did, it would only be to point out the...ironies...when you criticize all the things you dislike, and call it something else when you do those things.
Somehow I don't think it would be conducive to a continuation of our friendship.

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**I have been moving my Bloglines subscriptions to "private"...so if you don't see my name on your subscribers list it's only because I've gone into hiding.

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And YOU who took me off your bloglines feed...don't think I don't know who you are.
Because I do.
But I love you still, because you take my breath away with your writing. :)

---

If I win the Powerball on Saturday, then I will begin my journey to visit each and every one of you, and I will drop in unannounced.
Please have coffee. I don't care if you have dirty underwear on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink~it will make me feel right at home.

Does it frighten you that I know where you live?
Maybe it should.
Is all I'm sayin'.

---

That is all.
Have a weekend.

Brought to you by the letter F.

Okay, so I had this intense sexual dream about Patrick Dempsey last night.
It all started when I couldn't find my car in the parking lot...
McYUM.
Apparently he likes dumb girls.

---

Of course, the dream ended with me in a long line at a grungy little grocery store, trying to purchase a used toothbrush and toothpaste (my own, in fact~that was weird), and then I had to help some little kid find something he'd lost which turned out to be a bag of dirty old frisbees (I'm not sure what that's about, maybe the ever erudite Doctors could help me with that)...

But still.
McDreamy.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

---

Now, the effervescent Goober Queen, Kris, has given me a letter. (actually she gave me two letters, that's how cool I am, but we're just using one today)

The letter "F".
Dearie me, whatever shall I do with it?

10 Things Pertinent To My Life, beginning with the letter "F".
(in no particular order)

1. FUNNY. Not the being, but the appreciating. You've just got to find the funny, even when it would be easier to cry.

2. FAMILY. Naturally. No explanation necessary, I'm certain. This incudes another "F" word, Father. I'm lucky enough to have 2 Dads.

3. FACTOTUM. (lackey; person employed to do various jobs) Yet another job description synonymous with "Mother".

4. FANTODS. (a state of irritability or tension; an emotional fit) I suffer from the fantods frequently...it is the norm in my house, the stick by which all other moods are measured.

5. FLATULENCE. I'm sure you all know what that word means.
ME: "Who farted?"
Daughter: "Me. I smell bad!" *giggle giggle giggle*
ME: *gag*

6. FORNICATE. Actually I want this word to become more pertinent to my life.

7. FACETIOUS. It's bred into the genes, it is. There's no escape.

8. FISHNET STOCKINGS

8. FORGIVENESS. One the biggest hurdles for me, but I do strive to offer it. Even to myself, once in a while. And I find myself begging for it on a regular basis from most everyone I've ever met, due to #7.

9. FREEDOM. Thank you to everyone who has made this possible for me to experience.

10. FRIENDS. That means you. You're more than pertinent to my life, you are necessary. Like breathing. I *heart* you with all of my tiny little ♥.

---

That is all.

End of the world? I didn't notice.

I got this in my spam email today:

it's eulogy be cockle ! yardage and southampton and horrid be goldfish , concave on squeamish ! chaotic the god see brevet in ferromagnet but rug but rangy.

Strangely, it makes an odd sort of sense to me. Except I don't know what a 'ferromagnet' is.

"It's eulogy be cockle!" made me giggle.

Warmed the heartles of my co....wait.

Warmed the cockles of my heart, it did.

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Quote Of The Day:

"Sometimes satisfaction is tainted with the faint flavor of regret when the tables turn." ~~aka_monty

Wouldn't you agree?

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Plus I shed a quiet tear of joy when I got this today:


And I can now admit that I secretly love Jeckles.

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That is all, for now.
Have a (hump) day.

06/06/06

Something tells me that the placement of zeros is going to be very important to any children born today, especially those whose parents ill-advisedly name them Damien.

---

"Oh the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Oh the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and chops him up~
and that's how we get hamburger.
NOOOOOOOW CHICKENS!"~~Phoebe Buffay, Friends

Finally, it's MIXMANIA time!
My first one.
I feel like such a...a virgin.

This was our task, According To Jim:
"This time around, the theme is an Evil Mix, meaning songs that describe the pimpled, hairy side of your soul. It's not another elaboration of your Guilty Pleasures (NO! Not again!) but songs that express your darker side, songs screaming from the shadows. Not exactly the sunniest theme for late spring but, I think, devilish fun.
Obvious choices would be "Sympathy For the Devil", "Shout at the Devil", "Dans Macabre", etc., but I think being subtle works best in this mix. Being Bettie Page or Richard M. Nixon as you mix this will probably be your best bet."

Oooh, Bettie Page. I took one of those online tests, "What Vintage Pin-Up Are You?", and guess who I got? Yep.
I feel like such a dirty girl...but good, very good. *winky smile*

So this is my mix, whether I interpreted the directions rightly or wrongly~hey, cut me a break, it's my first time. Not everyone gets it right the first time, as my first lover can attest(and I totally blame him for that).
To the person who received my mix...I hope you liked it. There were so many other songs I wanted to add, but selfishly it didn't occur to me to mix TWO CDs worth of songs. Next time I'll know bettah.

1. Feed My Frankenstein ~ Alice Cooper
2. Mean Woman Blues ~ Roy Orbison (I think this was written about me)
3. If I Close My Eyes Forever ~ Ozzy Osborne & Lita Ford
4. Witchy Woman ~ The Eagles
5. Hungry Like The Wolf ~ Duran Duran
6. Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me ~ Susan Sarandon, Rocky Horror Picture Show
7. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap ~ AC/DC
8. Don't Fear The Reaper ~ Blue Oyster Cult
9. Kill Me ~ TOFOG (Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts)(Russell Crowe)(my one true love)
10. Dead Bodies Everywhere ~ KoRn (seriously, the first 20 seconds of intro music are the creepiest ever)
11. I Hate Love Songs ~ GWAR (why does this song always make me giggle?)
12. I Touch Myself ~ Divinyls
13. Missionary Man ~ Eurythmics
14. The Devil Inside ~ INXS
15. On The Dark Side ~ John Cafferty
16. Running With The Devil ~ Van Halen
17. Am I Evil? ~ Metallica
18. Evil Woman ~ ELO (actually THIS one may have been written about me)
19. The Rodeo Song ~ (Chris LeDoux?)(this song is credited to many country singers...I'm not sure who actually is singing it. It isn't evil, really, but there's lots of swear words and I like it so shut your pie hole)

If you'd like a copy of my Evil Mix, please send three easy payments of $19.99 gmail me your snail mail address. I'm happy to share.

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"Release the evil..." ~ Adam Sandler, Little Nicky

Since this is an evil-ish sort of day, I thought I'd share with you a little shitty evil poetry that I wrote some months ago.
"BEHIND THE VEIL"
or
"What Happens In My Brain When A Gaggle Of Vicious, Nasty, Vile, Psychotic Bitter Bitches Slander My Name On The Internet Due To A Case Of Mistaken Identity That They Were Far Too Stupid To Bother Trying To Clear Up With A Simple Email And Yes It Happened Last November And I'm Still Bent About It"

Blackened rot lives inside
dark, slithery, creeping things
nasty
Harsh and awful
the scent of you is
sharp
decayed
odoriferous
the taste of you is
acrid
bitter
dank.
Hypocrisy
Jealousy
Hate filled
Harsh
Judgment
Venomous
ALWAYS
Vilifying all others
for your...pleasure.
Schadenfreude is you
living
breathing
At what cost?
Your soul
Your life
Your you.
Do you recognize?
Do you reflect?
A void.

Karma. Remember.

---

Yes, yes, I know it's mostly just word soup.
No, no, I will not name the miserable, unhappy creatures responsible.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

SBC SURVIVOR TASK....COMPLETE!

Here you go, Jeckles, you fiend...

Oh, and Doreen there says hello.
Plus I gave her $20. Because she helped make the sign with her own cardboard.

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That is all for today.

It is that time again...

...for the PERFECT POST AWARD!



This month I chose the post titled PLAYHOUSE from a site that is new to me, Life In The Corner.

Typically I shy away from blogs that are "written" by babies and small children.
But this one....oh dear.

This particular post made me laugh myself breathless when I got to the part about the leaf.

OH.MY.DAMN.
That was funny.

If you have kids...hell, if you've ever been a kid, you'll find some funny, funny stuff.

Congratulations, Matthew! You're one funny kid.