Thursday, June 02, 2005


This was meant to be posted prior to the first guest post; however, the Oversight Committee committed, oversight, as they were on hiatus.

WARNING LABEL: I anticipate that some guest posts may venture into the realm of controversy. As always, opinions of all varieties are welcome, but please remember that the way you present your opinion is a direct reflection on your level of intelligence. You may be shitty to me if you wish, but trolls who comment on my special guest's posts will be terminated with extreme prejudice after being held up for riducule. Thank you, The Management

Today I would like you to give a warm welcome to our next guest blogger, the lovely Square1. I love her place~she openly and honestly discusses her life, and generously shares her triumphs and tragedies, struggles and sex, marriage with children. She has learned to decry what many of us are skilled at~the art of self-delusion.
Whether you agree with her or not, she's all about keepin' it real.
Enjoy her now, as she gets to the heart of things.
(This post and many others can be found at If you'd like to join, please send a request her friend Onyznite.)

People Who Think They Know... But Don't Have A Frackin' Clue

Someone got me to thinking about something tonight. As a mother of
three kids I simply want to address some things that bother me. Now
this is no offense to people without children... A lot of you guys are
great (my friends being some of the greatest!). I do not think I'm
Martha Stewart or Mother Theresa because I'm a mom, but there are some
things that some childless people do that really get under my skin...

First things first. DO NOT stare at me or my tantrum throwing
pre-schooler in Wal-mart parking lot as if you think I'm a)
kid-napping her/him b) beating my child or c) should be giving the
child a good butt blistering right there in public. First of all
children throw tantrums, most often in public places because of many
reasons. Sometimes they are tired. Sometimes they are overstimulated
by the unfamiliar surroundings and noises. Sometimes it is because
they know that mommy and daddy are less likely to enforce themselves
in public because of paranoia and embarassment... and they take
advantage of it. In short a tantrum is thrown for either a) because
they are feeling uncomfortable and are not emotionally mature enough
to know how to express it properly, or b) they're not getting their
way so they are switching to more drastic measures in order to get
their way, and because of the environment they know they are more
likely to get away with it. The fact that my child is screaming means
nothing more than, they are an ordinary child that is expressing
displeasure over something in the best way they know how. It does not
mean that I am a terrible parent that has done something to make them
scream at me. As to spanking them right there in public, it is my job
to correct my child in a loving and constructive manner. Embarassing
them is not in the least constructive nor is it loving. For the
kidnapping part... I know that this happens a lot... but if a person
has a cart load of three kids that all bear striking resemblance to
the parent accompanying them... quit being paranoid and go about your

To those of you without children who believe you have good parenting
advice because you baby-sat a lot, had lots of little siblings, work
in a daycare, or because you watch Oprah or Dr. Phil...STUFF IT! The
bottom line is this. Taking care of your own children is different,
and before you protest otherwise let me say that parents are the only
ones who have a leg to stand on to argue this point, simply because
they've experienced both sides of the coin. You have not. And I have
not met a parent yet who will disagree with me. It is one thing to
care for a child for a LIMITED amount of time and quite another to
raise that child day in and day out, with no comfort that someone else
will eventually take over and give you a break. Not to mention
children ALWAYS, without fail... no exceptions... behave much
differently i the presence of someone else than they do with their
parents. Any success you've had in caring for a child has most likely
been a result of responding to a different face. Think about it. You
act differently around your friends vs. people you don't know very
well. Children are nothing more than little people that are still
learning how social and family structures work. They're still learning
where the boundaries are and seeing just how far they can push them...
ESPECIALLY with their parents, because they view their parents as the
ULTIMATE authority figures in their lives. Parents can supercede
anyone else when it comes to what the child is supposed to do, and
they want to see just how firm that boundary is.

Any parent worth their salt has been reading parenting books,
soliciting advice, trying new ideas, implementing those that work, and
discarding those that do not. Children are not drones. There is no one
tried and true method of parenting that works for all of them.
Children do not come with an instruction manual or an explanation of
their individual personalities. Parenting is on-the-job training
solely... and the minute details of the job description change day by
day as the little person grows and develops, sometimes minute by
minute. The fact of the matter is that the advice you have to offer,
in all likelihood, is something they've already tried. The reason I
say this is because any parent worth their salt is constantly doing in
depth research about parenting. Why? Because any parent worth their
salt feels the burden of responsibility for the life of this little
person on a soul deep level every second of every day. They shoulder
the over-whelming burden of the child's life, gowth, emotional and
social development, education, care, financial security, emotional
security, spirituality, physical and mental health... and whatever
other aspect that makes up a child I may have failed to mention. Any
parent worth their salt knows that even their smallest decision can
affect their child, from buying a $.50 candy bar instead of an apple
to snack on, up to paying bills on time or going to the mall to
splurge because you can't be bothered that the water bill is coming
due, by golly you deserve to have that new pair of shoes you saw. When
it's just you, you're the only one you have to think about. So when
you buy that new pair of shoes instead of paying the bill, you're the
only one without water. When you have kids... they get to pay for your
frivolty too. You learn just what it means to be responsible for
someone else. And if you're mature, you do not bemoan how unfair it is
that you have to become so. The way you treat other people, the words
you speak in front of them, the activities you engage in... every
little thing you do... every little course of action you take has
consequences for your child. It's not about you anymore. It's all
about them... and they are watching... and learning. And since most of
us parents are imperfect people to begin with, the burden is extra
heavy when we make mistakes or when we are criticized. Until you have
your own children, and know that you ultimately will be held
responsible for that child's life from birth until death... do not
presume to tell me how to do my job as a parent. Anyone else who is a
seasoned parent, understands the responsibilities and frustrations...
I am open to suggestions anytime you have them. Is that
discriminatory? No. I think it's just practical.

To those of you young people that seem to think your friend with a kid
is no fun anymore because they can never go out... be thankful you are
still care free. And instead of bitching about never having fun with
your friend... why not offer to baby-sit so you're friend CAN go out
for a bit of fun... or here's a concept... maybe offer to help pay for
a baby-sitter so they can go out with you! If you're jealous because
the kid has become more important to the person than you... GROW THE
FUCK UP! Of course the kid is more important... it is their child... a
human being that is their responsibility! I mean really... do you
think you would have been happy if you're parents had thought going
out and partying with their friends was more important than taking
care of you? Get over yourself! Quit being selfish and offer some
support... You might find your friend has a bit more time for you with
the proper amount of help and kind words. You may not like that your
friend has changed now that they've become a parent. Having a kid
changes you. It changes yor outlook on life and what's important. You
can either adapt and keep a good friend or be an idiot and alienate
them just because they don't fit in with what you think they should
be. (For my own friends... you have been great and I have had none of
these problems with you. I've simply seen other young women subjected
to this and it royally ticks me off.)

Here are a few other things...

Do NOT offer the financial advice. You have no clue the cost involved
in taking care of a kid.

Do NOT ridicule a parent if they've made a mistake... they're human
beings for God's sakes that are learning as they go. If you think you
could do better... trust me... you can't.

Also no offese to parents with only one child. Been there and it's not
easy. Raising a child or children period is not easy. But don't act
like your job is as difficult as a mom with three or four kids. The
demand and cost of caring for more than one child doesn't just
multiply... it grows exponentially with each child you have. I have
three... and I will not presume to think that I have anywhere near the
difficulty that my sister-in-law with 10 has.

Thank you so much, Square1, giving us your real life as well as most excellent advice.
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