Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Guest Post #1!

but first, a word from our sponsor (that would be yrs. truly)
I would like to thank everyone once again for their sympathies and support in my time of mourning, and most especially thank those who have shared bits of their own stories and experiences. They are most welcome, and served their intended purpose, which was to show understanding and love. So, thank you. :)
And thank you for those who are diving in to guest post~I know some of you keep things to yourselves in the interests of not offending your readers, and I'm glad to offer my own frequently offensive forum in which you can vent to your little hearts' content.
Bring 'em on!

Now without further ado, please join me in welcoming our first guest blogger, the most fabulous author of Now You Listen Here. This lady is a favorite of mine, and she still talks to me even though I insist that we were separated at birth.
If you don't already read her, you should.

On with the show!

The Daily Bitches (Yes, that’s plural)

When Monty put out a call for guest bloggers, I jumped at the chance. From time-to-time there are things that you would like to write on your own blog but, even if you are writing somewhat anonymously, there is still that chance that someone who shouldn’t will run across your blog and be horrified, or worse yet - hurt, at what you have written. So, with great thanks to Monty for letting me get a few things off my chest, and in no particular order, here are my daily bitches:

To my brother-in-law: you are a jackass. You are not unconventional, you are not eccentric, you are just a jackass. Wearing bib-overalls to a wedding isn’t cute and kitschy, it just makes you look like a jackass, which you are. If the dentist tells you that you need to have teeth pulled, have them pulled. Waiting for them to fall out on their own does not make you thrifty; it makes you look even more like a jackass, which you are.

To annoying guy at work: Shut up! For the love of god please-oh-please shut up. No, I do not care how much the new tree in your yard grew last year. It’s just not that interesting. (I’m not being sarcastic, that was a real topic for him – one which he discussed in great detail.) Do you ever wonder why the phone rings no matter what office you are visiting? That’s because all of the rest of us have a system worked out to save each other from your endless chatter. Does the fact that your own wife doesn’t want to carpool with you, even though your offices are right next to each other, tell you anything?

To my nephew: when you “borrowed” your grandfather’s truck without asking, that wasn’t cool. When you wrecked the truck, that wasn’t cool either. But failing to apologize, ever, that was inexcusable. I understand that being the son of the jackass puts you at a biological disadvantage, but please … you gotta think from time to time.

To my mother-in-law: please stop trying to guilt my husband. When you called at Thanksgiving and you were crying because my husband wasn’t there to carve the turkey, even though he has never, ever, not even one time carved the turkey, we don’t feel guilty; we just feel like you’re trying to manipulate us. This will not make us want to move back to where you live. Also:
1. No, I did not talk your son out of having children;
2. Yes, you can get rid of his baby clothes … his 40 year old baby clothes. Even if we have a baby, I don’t want to dress the child in 40 year old baby clothes;
3. No, I did not talk your son into moving away;
4. Yes, your son really is happy here;
5. No, we did not invite you to our wedding; that’s what eloping means;
6. Yes, you should get over the fact that we eloped since it’s been over five years;
7. No, you do not have to play dumb around anyone with a Y chromosome. I’m sure at some point you were told that to make men feel like men you had to play stupid, but it’s just not the case. It doesn’t make the men look smarter; it just makes you look stupid; and
8. Yes, you should … stop trying to guilt my husband.

Ahhh … I feel so much better. Thanks Monty!

You're so welcome! And thanks for participating. I think many people would like to tell family members a thing or two...I know I would.
And it's lovely to know that we're not the only dysfunctional ones. :P

The rest of you...make sure you visit this terrific and funny lady.

Now...who wants to be next?

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