Found this in an IM archive...see, I normally stay invisible when I have my messenger on (except for NOW, with no computer, I almost wish to get some more random IMs! *sigh*), because of all the mullet-wearing psycho freaks out there who send IMs beginning with "Hay sexy thang, a/s/l?" or "U r cute got nemore pics?".
N E WAY (yuk yuk), this is one of my all time favorites. In the course of a desultory chat, I asked the offender "So, what do you do for a living?" and this was the reply:
hope i dont scare u I am a male stir kinding a truck driver
What in the HELL?!
I actually had to have one of my male friends translate that for me.
POP QUIZ: D'you know what it means??
Having used the online personal ads myself (shut up, I'm not ashamed to admit it), I've discovered that people are SUCH liars. In my archives you'll find a whole rant about that...special emphasis on men lying about their height and women lying about their weight.
I've decided that if I should create a new personal ad, I'm going to be honest. I mean totally, completely, unequivocally honest. I wonder how many responses I'd get to this:
Divorced mother of 9 year old twins, exhausted from doing everything myself. Work full time at a thankless, unglamorous job. Don't care much for the public at this point in my life. Need a break, need some romance, need pampering. I'm a lousy housekeeper; I've usually got a sink full of dirty dishes, and I'm too lazy to care much.
Frequently moody and temperamental. Intolerant of ignorance and excuses. Pushy, bossy, and not willing to go out of my way to make any of you idiot men happy at this point in my life. Take me as I am, or go away. You can effing work on making ME happy.
If you're under 30, over 45, or married (this includes being SEPARATED), DON'T FUCKING BOTHER~~I will not respond to you. If you suffer from 'chronic lateness', I will not respond to you. Timeliness is next to Godliness.
If you're really ugly (like SCARY ugly), I probably won't respond to you then either unless you've got somethin' REALLY extra-special to say on your profile.
If you use any form of chatspeak, I will not respond. If you think 'cuddlen' is the correct way to spell CUDDLING, I will not respond. In fact, if you have more than 3 misspellings in your profile, I will not respond.
If your profile is dull, uninformative, or stupid, or makes any reference to SEX at all, I will not respond.
Have I just eliminated 98% of you? Ask me if I care. You stupid bastards are more trouble than you're worth anyway.
I'll bet there's some sicko out there who'll STILL send a response.
Funny fact: Almost all my online friends (the ones I know in depth) from the UK and Canada are atheists...or at the very least agnostics.
NONE of my offline (ie 'real world') friends here in the US of A are atheists or agnostics.
That's sort of interesting to me. Either way is okay, it's just interesting.
So I have a few questions...
(now lookit, I'm not being snarky, I really want to know)
For the non-believers: if all life was created from a vat of primordial soup, how did EVERYTHING become so different? What I mean to say is how could a blade of grass or a grain of sand come from the same place as beings with thinking, reasoning brains? And functioning vocal cords? And everything that works the way it is supposed to, no matter what form of life we're talking about?
And for the evolutionaries...why aren't we evolving into something else, as humans, if we evolved from apes? I mean, why haven't some of us, perhaps being 'quick-evolutioners', started showing different features? And why aren't there thousands upon thousands of (tribes? families? pods? groups?) of apes out there who were late-bloomers and who now look like cro-magnon man? Is that where the Bigfoot rumors & sightings come into play?
And for the believers (of which I am one)...when were the dinosaurs? I admit, I have NOT done a lot of bible study, but I have questions. The dinosaurs. When were they? And as there is fossilized evidence of man-beings...where did they come in? Where were the caveman types in the Bible?
I'm just axin'.
...THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE:
I am eternally grateful that I didn't have to learn English as a second-language.
Why did someone use the same base word for two totally different things? Like "SANGUINE" as it relates to a personality trait and "SANGUINATION" as it relates to (ick) blood?
What's up with CONtent and conTENT?
What's the difference between "furthest" and "farthest"? And how do you measure that difference? ;)
What exactly does "pure-dee" mean? Like, "It was a pure-dee coincidence." HMMMM???
The "I"s have it~~I wonder why so many allegedly 'educated' people use the word "I" incorrectly? Is it because we've had it drilled into our heads from youngsterhood that we should say "I" instead of "me"? Hearing this on television really burns my ass, much like a flame about 3 feet high:
"We went to him and I's place..."
"Bob and I's date went well..."
"They shared he and I's dinner..."
What's even worse: when one half of the couple says it correctly, and the other half (sorry girls, it's usually the woman) corrects him. Incorrectly, as it were.
Guaranteed to offend someone or 'nother. Oh well.
I would like to invent a StairMaster that simulated walking down the stairs.
I wonder if anesthesiologists would mind being referred to as 'gas-passers'?
Self-importance is first cousin to paranoia.
Other people's words that I wish I'd've said first:
Punditry is nothing more than fatuous prigs reciting the same nonsense so many times that they come to believe it.
Some people see the donut, some see the hole.
No good deed goes unpunished.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
You can get straight A's and still flunk life.
And that concludes today's session of "AKA_MONTY ON..."
Thank you and goodnight.