Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Brain Soup Gumbo

That we care is both our blessing and our curse.

Because it wouldn't fall into a cohesive form, no matter how I tried.

I do not like the fact that I have begun to censor myself/because there are people who don't get it/this place/this space/is for me/and me/and me/what I think/what I feel/my opinions/my take/my everything/and I don't care if you agree/or have the same opinion as I do/and I don't always expect you to/even though, naturally, it's much more pleasant when you do/but still/this is my selfish space/and I do not understand why there are still those one or two or three peole who do not get it/who try to take my words and make it about themselves/when there are things I would say/or share/that those few would take as a personal affront/when in all likelyhood it had nothing whatever to do with them/and I can't decide if those people are incredibly conceited/or suffer from a more enormous guilt complex than I have myself/but it doesn't seem right that I must continually stroke/stroke/stroke/soothe/soothe/soothe/hurt feelings when no hurt was intended/it is not/can NOT be/my responsibility as to how they feel/and if a person feels bad because of something I have written/it is not my fault/unless of course I call you by name, in which case I'm totally willing to take the blame/I have decided that it is NOT necessary to submit myself for approval/so I would appreciate it if those people would think of this place like a strip joint/if you don't like what we show here, don't come/I think that's fair enough/and in other news/I do not like hurting those I care for/but I have managed to hurt a few lately/and there are others who are going to be hurt/because of my actions-or inactions/and that makes me very sad/even though I've been told it's unavoidable/and I so desperately want to avoid it anyway/and I've tried to come up with solutions/but evidently those solutions that seem relatively reasonable for me/even though it's a half-ass compromise/are not agreeable/and once someone chased me with a junebug/and I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour/and it wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now/and if you taunt people with their strongest fears you're not only cruel, you're a bully/and somewhat of an asshat/and OH NO now I know that there are those who will take THAT personally/even though it's something that has been in my drafts for about a year/and has to do only with me being chased by a cruel bully asshat/so I've decided that the next time someone wants to know if something I've written was directed toward them/I'm simply going to say "yes". Even if that's a lie.

I've got all my fingers crossed that the PMS will be over soon.
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