THE END OF YOUR TWENTIES IS ONE YEAR CLOSER TODAY

 I have been re-sharing the (mostly) same blog post on this day for about 16 years now.

I KNOW.
Most of you have memorized this story already, but if you're new, here's the what in a nutshell:
Twins born 3 and a half months early, at 24 weeks, weighing in at just over a pound each.
Ears folded down like little weird bats; scrawny red with wizened little monkey faces, undeveloped lungs and ventilators which scarred those tiny lungs, head bleeds (Grade I and Grade IV), 6 months in NICU, first 2 or 3 Christmases and Thanksgiving in the hospital with RSV, multiple & severe disabilities including CP, MR, developmental delays; COPD, ROP, Cor Pulmonale; eye surgeries for crossed eyes and retinopathy of prematurity, hernia surgeries, central lines, perc lines, keloid scars from all the poking and pricking and blood drawing and transfusions; heart holes and murmurs and seizure disorders; failure to thrive and lots of other things with letters and also thrush and a tiny arm broken simply by changing a shirt.

I am convinced I have PTSD and probably so do the kids. It's been a long and challenging road for all of us - and for about 23 of the 27 years I've been doing this solo. I have not been a great mom, or even mediocre if truth be told. After all these years I still have not a single clue what I'm doing.
DESPITE THAT and doing things like convincing my daughter to take a bite of dog biscuit which was funny AF I don't care what you say, THESE KIDS ARE PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME.

I mean sure, Joshua is still like a baby because he can't talk or walk or crawl or sit up alone, has to be diapered and hand fed. He does communicate pretty well when he's unhappy though! But when he's warbling to the teevee and making himself giggle...well, there's not a more delightful, happier, sweeter sound in the entire world.

And Rebecca...sometimes we're far more adversarial than mother/daughter. But I could never have asked for a better daughter. Her brother and I couldn't make it through the day- or life, really - without her help. She provides for her family without complaint. Without her help in caring for Josh, I wouldn't have made it through - she is the reason I can get a day off now and then, especially since some recent health concerns of my own. She handles her shit. She handles MY shit. (No, I do not make her handle Joshua's shit because lort knows that even turns MY stomach sometimes).
She reminds me to take my meds, she helps take my BP on the daily, she goes with me to the doctor when possible to take notes because lately I find myself easily overwhelmed. I could not be prouder or love her any more, and I can't even take credit for how she's turned out. She is caring and thoughtful and affectionate (I am none of those), she is a hard worker with an excellent work ethic, and she always knows right when I need a hug.
(although she still doesn't have a driver's license and OMG SHE IS SO LIKE MY MOTHER IN SO MANY WAYS)

At the end of the day, I recognize the struggle that both of them have made to cling to life, how they've helped raise me as a mother as much as I ever helped raise them, and I fall to my knees and thank God for their existence on this earth and in my life. I am proud to be their mother, I am grateful for the lessons they've taught me, and I love them bigger than the universe. If you know them, you're the lucky one.

This jackass is NOT HAVING IT today. He's all NO PAPARAZZI like Brad Garrett or Kanye.

But then he had a piece of birthday cake (FIRST TIME EVER! Because I finally undumbed myself enough to think of finding a dairy free cake recipe) and I got a ... decent pic.

Happy 27!!! Mommy is old AF. THANKS. 

Happy might be too much to ask, I'm aiming for Okayish New Year

The past year, well, it's been challenging, to say the least.

I lost my bio-father to covid, because he refused vaccination even after he promised he would get it and I'm still angry about that. Also his wife & my half-sister & her family have apparently decided that my kids (and I) are non-existent so fuck those guys.

Yes, clearly I'm still struggling with rage issues about the whole situation.

Holidays this year have been bizzare and have left me with some emptiness in my heart, and then the empty fills with anger and off we go again.

I AM TRYING.
Also I really really hate being forced into membership with so many of you, in the Lost Parent Club.
What sucks is that once you're in, you're in for life, which is ironic because death is what qualified you to get in.

The dark-humored joke at my house is that hey, at least I've got a spare (dad).


In the past year...
I have been diagnosed with diabetes, lipodermatasclerosis, high blood pressure, anemia, hypothyroid (unshocking because I had Grave's disease and had to take a radioactive pill to kill my thyroid), and a few other little lesser issues.
I had to have an ultrasound on my heart and my legs.
I could not walk properly, it was like my thigh muscles had forgotten how to work. I had to use a walker or at least a cane just to move around the house.

Also in the past year...
I have brought my A1C blood sugar down from 9.8 to 6.6
I have lost 98 lbs.
My blood pressure has come down from redline stroke zone to pretty near perfect.
Dumped 2 of my blood pressure meds, cut down on my iron pills.
I can get around without a walker and only need the cane if I'm doing a lot of walking, just as a balance precaution

So as you can see, it's been a very uppy-downy, twisty-turny, rough and bumpy ride, with all the screaming and nausea you'd expect from the worst roller coaster ever.

AAAND to top off the Suckfest that is 2021, my girl Betty White just died - and she only could've timed it better if it was 11:59PM tonight.
RIP, you magnificent woman.


All the self-pitying bullshit aside, I do have a plan for 2020Too.
I mean mostly it's DON'T HEADSTAB ANYONE, but baby steps, right?

Now go forth and celebrate in small, safe groups, don't drink and drive, buckle your seatbelt, wear a mask, and GET YOUR GD VACCINATION and BOOSTER.
Don't die of stupid because I will NOT forgive you.

Have a very Okayish New Year!

You've come a long way, baby. Er, babies.

I know you don't think it's possible that I have 26 year old twins, especially since I don't look a day over, like, 30-ish, right? Because 50-something is the new 30-something. I think I read that in a meme or gif by some rando internet person so it MUST BE TRUE.
Also? OH EM GEE I GAVE BIRTH TO THESE THINGS WHEN I WAS THEIR AGE NOW.
It's a surreal feeling because they are still such BABIES.

I have been re-sharing the (mostly) same blog post on this day for about 15 years now.
I KNOW.
Most of you have memorized this story already, but if you're new, here's the what in a nutshell:
Twins born 3 and a half months early, at 24 weeks, weighing in at just over a pound each.
Ears folded down like little weird bats; scrawny red with wizened little monkey faces, undeveloped lungs and ventilators which scarred those tiny lungs, head bleeds (Grade I and Grade IV), 6 months in NICU, first 2 or 3 Christmases and Thanksgiving in the hospital with RSV, multiple & severe disabilities including CP, MR, developmental delays; COPD, ROP, Cor Pulmonale; eye surgeries, hernia surgeries, central lines, perc lines, keloid scars from all the poking and pricking and blood drawing and transfusions; heart holes and murmurs and seizure disorders; failure to thrive and lots of other things with letters and also thrush and a tiny arm broken simply by changing a shirt.

I am convinced I have PTSD and probably so do the kids. It's been a long and challenging road for all of us - and for about 23 of the 26 years I've been doing this solo. I have not been a great mom, or even mediocre if truth be told. After all these years I still have not a single clue what I'm doing.
DESPITE THAT and doing things like convincing my daughter to take a bite of dog biscuit which was funny AF I don't care what you say, THESE KIDS ARE PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME.

I mean sure, Joshua is still like a baby because he can't talk or walk or crawl or sit up alone, has to be diapered and hand fed. He does communicate pretty well when he's unhappy though! But when he's warbling to the teevee and making himself giggle...well, there's not a more delightful, happier, sweeter sound in the entire world.

And Rebecca...sometimes we're far more adversarial than mother/daughter. But I could never have asked for a better daughter. Her brother and I couldn't make it through the day- or life, really - without her help. She provides for her family without complaint. Without her help in caring for Josh, I wouldn't have made it through - she is the reason I can get a day off now and then, especially since some recent health concerns of my own. She handles her shit. She handles MY shit. (No, I do not make her handle Joshua's shit because lort knows that even turns MY stomach sometimes).
She reminds me to take my meds, she helps take my BP on the daily, she goes with me to the doctor when possible to take notes because lately I find myself easily overwhelmed. I could not be prouder or love her any more, and I can't even take credit for how she's turned out. She is caring and thoughtful and affectionate (I am none of those), she is a hard worker with an excellent work ethic, and she always knows right when I need a hug.
(although she still doesn't have a driver's license and OMG SHE IS SO LIKE MY MOTHER IN SO MANY WAYS)

At the end of the day, I recognize the struggle that both of them have made to cling to life, how they've helped raise me as a mother as much as I ever helped raise them, and I fall to my knees and thank God for their existence on this earth and in my life. I am proud to be their mother, I am grateful for the lessons they've taught me, and I love them bigger than the universe. If you know them, you're the lucky one.