It's 2006!

**Please go and wish my tenant a Happy New Year as well! Thanks!

---

HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!
I had sincerely planned to come and wish you all HNY individually, but alas! my plans changed and I have been away all weekend. In fact, I have yet to get home to my very own computer that knows me so well. (No, I'm not in rehab, but thanks for asking)

I'm sorry that I've been unable to visit this weekend, but I do want to share with you a couple of things from a treasured book from a treasured friend:

"My friends have made the story of my life."~~Helen Keller

"My only sketch, profile, of Heaven is a large blue sky...
larger than the biggest I have seen in June--
and in it are my friends--every one of them."~~Emily Dickinson

"Tell me whom you frequent, and I will tell you who you are."~~French Proverb

My 2005 was made better by you. I don't expect 2006 to be any different.

---

Now, as I find myself in a nearly identical predicament, I offer you a post from New Year's Eve, 2004.

---

The Panic Room

...aka my bedroom.
I wanted to add this entry earlier, but the feeling has only just now returned to my fingers.

THE TIME: 10:13am
THE DATE: Friday, Dec 31
THE MISSION: Get dressed & go to the grocery store (They do tend to rather strictly enforce that 'no clothes, no service' rule)

Seemed a simple enough task. I was flippant enough to LAUGH at its simplicity. C'mon, give me a real mission, why doncha?

Socks-check. Underwear-check. Grubby t-shirt-check. Jeans-ch...OH CHIT.

That's where the trouble began. I slid my jeans up, no worries. I reached for the button...sucked in my tum-tum, struggled a moment, but got the button buttoned.
THEN CAME THE ZIPPER. O dear Lord. I couldn't zip my pants. There was this strange bulge of (could it be fat?!) something in the way. I looked around for help..but unfortunately I was the only one in the room. Figures.
What's a girl to do?
Luckily I can think on my feet, so I fell back on the time-honored pants-zipping method used by teenage girls everywhere (if you remember back that far, when we actually wanted our jeans to fit like a second skin)...and lay myself down on the bed.
Five minutes and a bruised finger later, I triumphed over the evil zipper.
"AHA! VICTORY IS MINE!" I wanted to shout, but I couldn't draw breath enough to even wheeze it out.
As I lay there panting, I tried to figure out what had happened. Obviously, my jeans had shrunk in the wash, or something.
SURELY it couldn't have anything to do with the 47lbs. of fudge I've consumed over the past week or so, nor with the 23 Reese's Peanut butter trees, endless bags of M&Ms, two boxes of cordial cherries, cookies of every kind, or the entire box of Ferrero Rocher truffles.
SURELY not. Everyone knows that holiday calories don't even count~those are burned up in ADVANCE, what with the shopping and the wrapping and the decorating. It's a proven fact. I think I read that somewhere.

Then I had to stop wondering about it, because little black dots appeared before my eyes from the lack of oxygen. My fingers were going numb, and I couldn't feel my toes.
I HAD to get up from the bed. I flailed my arms & legs about, looking somewhat (at least in my imagination) like a turtle who'd gotten turned on it's shell.
I couldn't get up.
I started to hyperventilate, and of course there were no convenient paper bags lying around. OH if I could only make it to the kitchen!
I decided to roll back & forth to build up some momentum. Eventually, just when I though I would faint, something (I think it was the ghost who lives in my house, but that's another story for another day) gave me enough of a nudge that I rolled off the bed and onto the floor. Luckily I landed on my hands & knees so that I could crawl push myself up to my feet.
Unfortunately, I still couldn't breathe. Nor really walk. And to make matters worse, NOW I couldn't even reach the button of my jeans, as a huge roll of that same oogy substance that inhibited my zipper was now hanging over the waistband of my jeans and covering the button.
*sigh* Back to the bed.
Luckily the jeans decided to cooperate during the UNbuttoning and UNzipping phase of this operation...and I reached into the closet for a pair of sweatpants.
AH, SWEET BREATH O' LIFE.

I had to come up with a plan, and fast. I mean really, a girl can't wear sweatpants every day, can she? It's just a sad thing this happened today of all days...as by law I can't start a new diet until tomorrow. The FIRST of January. That's when all New Year's Resolutions are allowed to take place, and not a minute before!
So I am depending upon you to help me keep on the straight and narrow, slap my hand when it should reach for a potato chip or a bit of chocolate. It is now YOUR responsibility, and you must step up to the plate. Don't let me down, now.
Starting tomorrow.
First thing after brunch. Or dinner. Yeah, that's probably better. In fact, we should probably just wait until the SECOND of January, just to avoid any conflict with the 'GOOD LUCK' stuff you're supposed to eat on the first day of the year. Some of my 'GOOD LUCK' foods include cake and ice cream. So yeah, the SECOND. That'll work.

The good news is, I burned my pizza whilst I was stuck on the bed. So now I'll have to eat something else. Maybe I'll find a nice, healthy bag o' popcorn in the cabinet. Now make yourself useful and hand me the butter.

But Mom...

...all the other kids are doin' it!

Making one of those "favorite posts" posts.
I wasn't going to.
But I've got one sick kiddo and no time for much else. Thought I'd share a couple of personal favorites.

---

but first...
Quitting smoking sucks ass.
Day 6 of The Patch, and can I just say...


AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Thank you.
Every day I keep thinking it'll be a little easier...and so far it isn't.
But I've got my eye on the prize~namely the $100+ I'll be saving each month. I've already saved about twenty bucks this week.

And by the way, could there be any worse time to have PMS?
I thought not.

---

Since I have no clue how to use the trackback thingy and make it work to get to the right post, I'll do things my own "special" way, thankyouverymuch.

Quips And Quotes *originally posted Christmas Eve 2004

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"~~Lewis Carroll

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll be the only one not laughing."~~aka_monty

---

Happy Holidays, boys & girls! As you know, for some the holidays mean loneliness and sadness. I have a friend who works for a casket manufacturing company, and he tells me that this is their busiest time of the year. (that's sad, isn't it? But a little bit funny)
SO, in the interest of spreading a little holiday cheer, I've decided to share some of my favorite giggle-makers.

**DISCLAIMER: Any mistakes and/or misquotes are solely the fault of this author, for being too damn lazy to look them up properly.

---

YEAH, WRIGHT! (Stephen Wright is one of my favorites)

"I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property."
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."

---

CARLINISMS

"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, DIShonesty is the second-best policy."
"A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, 'He was a loner.' Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with."
"I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it."

---

RODNEY DANGERFIELD, ANYONE?

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

---

SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN

In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

At a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." (well hell, and I was SO looking forward to giving birth on a barstool)

In a Laundry in Rhodes: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." (Count me IN!)

On a Viennese restaurant menu: Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep." (gee, wonder what they've got for DESSERT?)

A doctor's office in Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases." (I wonder if anyone has taken a cleaver to that guy yet?)

In a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." (I wonder how you smuggle a country through customs?)

At a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." (I don't know about you, but I don't really know that many women covered in fur)

---

LOONY LAWS~~that (sadly) are REAL.

In Macomb, Illinois, it's illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf.
It's illegal in Hartford, Connecticut to kiss your wife on a Sunday.
It's against the law in Kentucky to remarry the same man four times.
In Tennessee, it's against the law to shoot game other than whales from a moving car. (well hell, there go MY vacation plans)
It's illegal in Fairbanks, Alaska, for two moose to have sex on city sidewalks. (hey, I wonder what kind of fine that brings...and how they collect on it?)

---

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF "BABES" (supermodel commentary)

"I don't have to fake dumb. I AM dumb."~~Jerry Hall

I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."~~Linda Evangelista

"Blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired of talking about myself."~~Elle Macpherson

"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like 3 Mercedes.' Then I understood."~~Brooke Shields

"I don't think I was born beautiful. I just think I was born me."~~Naomi Campbell

"I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am."~~Samantha Fox

"I look at modeling as something I'm doing for black people in general."~~Naomi Campbell

""I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."~~Linda Evangelista

---

A FEW BUMPER STICKERS...

I doubt, therefore I might be

Dyslexics Have More Fnu

The Gene Pool Could Use a Little Chlorine

Your Kid May Be an Honor Student but You're Still an Idiot

We Have Enough Youth, How About a Fountain of "Smart"?

The More You Complain, The Longer God Lets You Live

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Out of Bed

---

---

Things to do today:
Live, love, and laugh

(Fun Factoid: In Venice, Venetian blinds are known as 'Persian blinds')

A quickie...

Many of you may already be familiar with my new tenant, Miss Ann Thrope. She's honest and outspoken, with a dash of humor thrown in for good measure.
Please do me a great favor and CLICKIT on the sidebar, and go offer her a warm neighborhood welcome from the landlady (that would be me).

She will most likely be answering the door in the nude today. So hurry up.

---

HA! I was supposed to be working surfing along the blogosphere and ran across a little something that I thought dovetailed nicely with my previous "I am a bad mommy" post.

I'd give 'em some credit, but I can't remember from whom I stole it.
Oh well. Sucks to be them.

Here you go:
***It would've been better if I'd have put the title that came with it****
THINGS THAT EVERY MOTHER SHOULD RESOLVE IN 2006

1. I will embrace the fact that I'm not perfect (oh, I do THAT every day)
2. I will get down on the floor and play with my child every day. (mmm...probably not going to happen. Didn't I just say I don't do that stuff?)
3. I will take care of my body. (I burst into laughter every.single.time I read that)
4. I will learn to love the chaos. (Love it? No. Endure it? Yeah, I can do that)
5. I will make the family dinner a priority. (My daughter knows how to use the microwave)
6. I will focus a little more on my marriage. (This doesn't apply to me. But I'm sure I'd go along with it if I could find some dumbass nice guy foolish enough to want to marry me)
7. I will make time for my friends. (I probably would if I ever made time to MAKE any friends)
8. I will remind myself daily that time with my children is precious. (Okay, I guess I can do that one.)

Sticky Stuff

Quote Of The Day:

"You're not really 'the winner' when you judge someone on their worst day and compare it to your best." ~aka_monty

---

Did you ever put on a new shirt that has one of those long clear size strips on it? And you miss it when you're taking the tags off? And you go out somewhere in the new shirt?
That would look stupid. Plus everyone would know your size.
Man, that could be totally embarrassing.
If it happened.
Mmmmmm hmm.

---

Day Three of The Patch.
It isn't going too badly...mostly it's hard in the morning with my coffee. And before I go to sleep at night. And driving to work. And driving home. And when I'm on the computer. And...

I'm not too much more irritable than usual...not so's you'd notice. Must be my normal bitchiness charm coming through.

---

Isn't it funny how some people are so nice and butter-wouldn't-melt-in-their-mouths cool and sweet at their own place, and then they find it necessary to go to someone else's place and shit right in the middle of the floor?

What I mean is those people you read who are so lovely and kind...and then you see comments that they leave that are critical and somewhat rude.

So, which face are you using today?

---

Trying to play the Harry Potter Scene-It game in French was a bust, since the only French things I know are baguette, fromage, and menage a trois. I didn't see any of those.

Letting it all hang out.

True Confessions

I think to myself on an almost daily basis that I have no idea what it takes to be a good mother.
I read about the moms that do stuff with their kids. Join the PTA, Girl Scouts, take them to dance/karate/gymnastics classes, homeroom moms...and they actually enjoy it.
I'm a little jealous that I'm not like that.

I'm more of the 'don't bother me right now, I'm in the middle of something. Gimme a minute' mom rather than the "of course dear, lets go do some crafts!" type.

I'm not all that nurturing.
And I feel guilty about it.

I've never let my kids sleep in bed with me, nor I with them (except when my daughter had a nightmare and crept into my bed unbeknownst to me or when my son had seizures and I put him in bed with me to keep an eye on him).
I don't think of fun things for us to do together.
I haven't really read to my daughter since she learned to read by herself.
I yell a lot.
I don't really like kids. Other kids, I mean.
I don't go ga-ga over other people's babies. I don't want to hold them. I don't want to koochie-koo them under their little chins. I know how important it is for new mothers to have a fuss made over their little ones...I just don't want to do it. It makes me tired.
I always thought I'd be the 'cool' mom, and our house would be the one where all the kids would want to hang out. I've since re-thought that idea.

Perhaps that's why I was given the challenges of special-needs children.
If there's one thing I do love, it's a good challenge.

And surprisingly my kids are stable, good, loving children.
I refuse to take any credit for that whatsoever.

---

UNCLE: Becca, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?
DAUGHTER: Yes, I mostly just wanted to be with my whole family.

---

I think I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts because I am a hermit-creature, and I've had three solid days of being sociable.
Oh, it isn't really a complaint~I've enjoyed my family.
But I crave my solitude.
I'm worn out with the hugging and pleasantries.

Could I be a bigger bitch? Or a more ungrateful wretch? *sigh*

---

My sister bought the Harry Potter Scene-It for us.
The disc is in French.
But we're going to try to play it anyway, to see how well we do. :)
Anyone got a French/English dictionary we could borrow?

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah! And happy Sunday to any of you who don't observe the holiday at all. :)

---

THANK YOU ALL so very much for all the cards, e-cards, and packages of goodies. I love 'em, and they make me feel special. Thanks.

I'm very glad to know each and every one of you. You enrich my life.

---

Twice today I tried to send e-cards, and both times I got error messages. *sigh*
Well, it's the thought that counts, right? I was thinking of you.

---

Now, for your enjoyment I have decided to sing you a selection of Christmas and Hannukah songs. Just choose whichever song suits you best.
Tip jar is on the counter.
Thank you.
*ahem*

---

For my Canadian friends:

Bob & Doug McKenzie

Ok, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
beer.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
2 turtlenecks,
and beer.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer.
There should be more there, eh?

Where?

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

Oh. See? ya need more.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
6 packs of two-four.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
whew, this should be just the 2 days of xmas, this is too hard for us!

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
8 comic books,
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

Wow,That beers empty

Day 12.

G'day and welcome to day 12.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tre-e.

---

For my redneck friends:

Jeff Foxworthy

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Tin of Copenhagen, nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eleven wrestlin tickets, tin of Copenhagen, nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven wrestlin tickets, tin of Copenhagen, nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

---

For my Jewish friends:
Adam Sandler (old version)

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonica
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah

---

Updated version

Winona Ryder drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a dreidle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and recieves lots of Chanukah toys:
The girls from Veruca Salt, and all three Beastie Boys

Lennie Kravitz is half Jewish; Courtney Love is half too,
Put them together, what a funky bad-ass Jew!

We got Harvey Keitel, and Flash Dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmin Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish,
and yes, her boobs are real!

Put on that yarmulke, its time for Chanukah,
Two time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffman-akah celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, still not a Jew!
But guess who is: The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo!

Bob Dylan was born a Jew, then he wasn't, but now he's back
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish,
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack

Guess who got Bar Mitzvah'd on the PGA tour:
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods,
I'm talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore

So many Jews are in the show biz,
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish,
But my mother thinks he is

Tell Daryl Lamonica, its time to celebrate Chanukah
It's not pronounced "Chanukah", The "C" is silent in Chanukah

So read your Hooked on Phonickah
Get drunk in Tijuanaikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy
Chanukah
Happy Chanukah!

---

Thank you, and good night!
HO HO HO!

Just a bunch of crap.

Quote Of The Day:

"Time doesn't really heal, it just makes you not give a shit."

But hey, I'm not cynical. ;)

---

My daughter (are you beginning to dread posts beginning with those words? It's my little way of weeding out the weirdos) has decided upon her own course of action in learning a foreign language.

She is currently watching Shrek 2 in Spanish, with the captions on. For the third time.
And working her way through the rest of our movies as well.
*sigh*

---

I told someone today that he was just ME with boy parts.
Somehow it sounded much more complimentary in my head.

---

Now National Meme Week at the House Of Monty draws to a close...
(don't think I didn't just now hear you all cheer with delight and relief)

The MORE-than-half-nekkid Jessica tagged me last month, so I went to get the meme...turns out it's the same one Kirk got me with.

So halleluja, you get a reprieve!
You can thank me later.

Just think of it as an early Christmas gift from me to you.

that is all.

Getting motivated

My daughter, even whilst at home, says "I have to use the restroom".
I've been trying to teach her to say, "I gotta take a whiz" like a normal person, but so far it hasn't taken.
She did redeem herself by belting out Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the FYOOOOOOOOOCHUUUUUUH! along with radio this morning.
There's hope for her yet.

---

Doesn't everyone keep an emergency Snickers bar in the glove compartment of their car?
Please say it isn't just me.

---

THANK YOU SO MUCH, BOSS LADY for the generous Christmas bonus!
**shameless plug: We've got TONS of pure cashmere and silk sweaters, party dresses & shoes, vintage coats...

---

Thursday's Meme, thanks to Kirk.
Yes, blame him. I don't mind.

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

1. nathan
2. eddy
3. sara
4. kirk
5. monty

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was spending the holiday season in the hospital with two very sick little babies.
But Santa brought presents, so all was well.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Working for my parents in their restaurant and hating every customer who dared walk through the doors. AND I was dating a clown.
No, I mean a real clown. Professional. Juggled, did magic tricks, all that stuff.
Creeped out all my friends.
Good times.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Wheat Thins and veggie cream cheese
2. Apples w/peanut butter
3. Most any type of raw veggie
4. M & Ms
5. Pringles...mmmmm...any flavor.

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. What's Her Name by TOFOG (Russell Crowe)
2. I Second That Emotion by Smokey Robinson
3. Love Me Two Times by the Doors
4. My Kind of Lover by Billy Squier
5. Love Bug by George Strait

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Give 20% to various charities
2. Pay off my debts
3. Buy my mommy a new car of her very own.
4. Hire a live-in nurse to help with my son
5. Visit all my blog friends. In person.

Five bad habits:
1. Smoking
2. Clenching my jaws
3. Being harshly critical
4. Laziness
5. Procrastination

Five things you like doing:
1. Working
2. Spending time with the kids
3. Reading
4. Blogging
5. Getting laid

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Leg warmers
2. Wool sweaters
3. A tube top *shudder*
4. A bikini. Or any swimsuit, really.
5. Knickers (the American version. I do wear undies *most of the time*)

Five favorite toys:
1. DVD Player
2. Computer
3. Stereo
4. Digital camera
5. The Silver Bullet

---

There you have it. I am not tagging anyone, because I love you too much.
If you decide to play of your own free will, please let me know so that I can come and admire your work.

Stunned, and then amazed.

I would like to thank the gorgeous and vivacious WEBKITTYN for doing the most unexpected thing:
nominating me for BEST MOMMY BLOG in the BoB awards!
I am touched, honored, and surprised.

Thank you, WebKittyn! She's been nominated herself for Biggest Blog Whore, so keep that in mind when voting time rolls around in a week or so!

Oh, and do feel free to go add your choice of nomination, even if it isn't me.
But if it isn't, don't tell me. Let me have my illusions, mkay?
They have other categories as well...go add your two cents!

---

When I was listening to the weather this morning, the weather-dude said that we were having "freezing fog". This immediately conjured up images of me opening the front door and running into a barrier of ice.

It doesn't really work that way.
Damn. That would've been cool.

---

Crapola, I forgot to do today's Meme.
I know how saddened you will all be by that information.

Tough ta-tas. I'm sick. Dammit.

Bad girl bad girl, whatcha gonna do?

**Tenant. Sidebar. Clickit. Thank you.

---

How to get on Santa's naughty list...
Hey guy..yeah, you, who flew up behind me this morning and proceeded to ride my ass for two miles and then zip around me and haul ass down the ICY highway going about 70 mpm...when I passed you 90 seconds later and saw that you had managed to slide off the highway and into the grassy median....I smiled. Just a little.

---

A MEME from MAMA.

Mamacita, that is.
The ever fabulous and brilliant Mamacita tagged me with The Easiest Meme Ever.

You will learn nothing about my past.
You will not find out my preference for Coke or Pepsi.
You will not hear of my favorite color, what kind of panties I'm wearing, or what I had for dinner last night.

There now, aren't you happy?

Here's how it goes:
Remove the TOP blog in the following list, and add YOUR blog to the bottom.

Annush
Vince
Funky Bugs
Mamacita
Monty


Then you get to select FIVE (count 'em, FIVE) people to pass the link love on to.
This is the best part.
Check the following blogs in the next day or so to see what they have to say about Robin's meme. (sorry Robin, I'd give you the link but I don't have it)

I'll choose....

KIRK (a purely retaliatory move)
JESSICA (another purely retaliatory move)
SUDIE GIRL
NAT
AMANDA

Now, don't feel left out if I didn't choose you.
And don't think I hate you because I did choose you.
It was completely random. Except for the first two.
Anyway, I like to think of it as a way to meet new people, rather than a Meme.

---

What the hell are you waiting for? I've given you assignments~get your asses in gear!

that is all.

We're having a party...

...and you're all invited!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FTS!

Yes, it is our darling FTS's BIRTHDAY! I think he's 29. But I could be wrong about that.
Please go stop by his wonderful place and tell him a big Happy Birthday, okay?

---

Please visit my tenant, Plaid Toaster. Boys, she's got a post titled using the word Boobies. I know how intriguing you find this word.
Tell her Monty sent you, yes? Thank you. Santa is watching.

---

As we head down the homestretch to Christmas, I worry that I will be too busy for much blogging and worse~I will be too busy for much blog-reading.

To free up as much time as possible I am declaring this (at least HERE) to be
The Week Of MeMes

I am happy to do this because:
1. I don't have to use my brain at all, I can just pile up my drafts and post one every day
and
B. Norman hates Memes.

Feel free to play along. We could start a National Meme Week. Who's with me?

---

Monday's Meme
I haven't seen this one before~~and I stole it from my favorite author/composer/musician/wonderful person Steph.
Please read instructions carefully.

1. Take five books off your bookshelf. (I just closed my eyes & grabbed 5~you can do it however you want)

2. Book #1 -- first sentence: "It's so dark that for awhile--just how long I don't know--I think I'm still unconscious."

3. Book #2 -- last sentence on page 50: "Your father's been killed in an accident."


4. Book #3 -- second sentence on page 100: "They all assumed he had suffered a fatal heart attack."


5. Book #4 -- next to the last sentence on page 150: "Around three-thirty."


6. Book #5 -- final sentence of the book: "Finally, a sport I could enjoy."

7. Make the five sentences into a paragraph:
"Your father's been killed in an accident. Around three-thirty. They all assumed he had suffered a fatal heart attack. It's so dark that for awhile--just how long I don't know--I think I'm still unconscious. Finally, a sport I could enjoy."

---

Man, what have I been reading?

The books I used:
1. Everything's Eventual, Stephen King
2. The Prophet, Frank E. Peretti
3. A Fever In The Heart and Other True Cases, Ann Rule
4. Last Dance, Ed McBain
5. Hard Eight, Janet Evanovich

---

And that concludes Monday's Meme.

As always, if you decide to play (or make it a Meme Week), let me know so that I can admire your answers.

Monty's Utterly Wonderful Day(s)

**UPDATE: Please visit my new tenant, Plaid Toaster. I love her already. Her kids are weird too. AND, like me, has no friends because she's too lazy to make the commitment.
Go see her and tell her the landlord sent you. She'll be in her underwear. Probably.
but first...
Man, I knew there was a reason I love you guys~~we've had some wonderful times, haven't we? ;)
Dave, this is JUST FOR YOU.

---

Our Feature Presentation...
Upon further reflection, it occurs to me that what is fantastic and exciting to me may only be a stop in Ho-Hum, Yawnsville to you.

So, sorry if I got your hopes all up & stuff. ;)

Okay, I got home from my (half-day) of work on Thursday (which is my Friday~~two good reasons for a happy day right there!)

In addition to a couple more lovely cards (and a very naughty XXX one, thank you Jules), there was a little package.
At first glance I assumed it was something the Sperm Donor had sent to the kids for Christmas.

It wasn't.

It was FOR ME.
And it was from an online friend...someone I never, ever expected to get a gift from. He's such a doll.

AND he picked the A-PLUS-Number-One-Highest-Priority thing on my wishlist (see the little Wishes & Dreams button over there on the right-hand sidebar?).

It was THIS:



You may remember I told you that I went to one of the concerts there in Austin Texas, May 2000. You may also remember that I have Russell Crowe's sweat on my bandana.
I'm actually saving that for the DNA so that someday I can have him cloned for my own personal pleasure.
AND you may further remember that I actually passed a few words with (totally hot, sexy, badder-than-bad-boy) Russell himself.

This, my friends, is the best gift ever.
I get to re-live the concert. Anytime I want.

You know what else?

Ready?

Wait for it....

I AM TOTALLY ON THE FREAKIN' VIDEO!!!

Betcher ass.
Lookit...




Swinging my bright red bandana, wiping my face with it, sleeves rolled up, hat on (my friend Tamz made us all little caps with TOFOG on them)...
And there I am.
Damn.
I realize the pictures aren't very clear, since I took them from the video~~but rest assured it is yrs truly. One day I'll hunt up the pictures I took there & show you.
The dark haired girl in front of me is my friend Goosie (aka Lisa). We had us a time, yes we did.

And my friend Neicie (who, until we met at the concert I had only known as grunthead1), actually got interviewed.

How d'you like me now, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

---

Okay, it all seems a little anti-climactic now...

---

If that weren't proof enough that I am indeed on Santa's nice list, then listen to this...
As I scurried through the stores yesterday to do all my Christmas shopping, I went into Waldenbooks...one of my greatest weaknesses. I was determined to get what I needed and leave, without buying myself a book.
Man, that was tough.
I got two books for my dad (Nelson DeMille) and for my daugher I got Island of the Blue Dolphins and A Wrinkle In Time.
I was resisting with all my might, but as I walked to the checkout counter I began to feel faint and dizzy. I tried to keep moving, to persevere, but I was getting weaker and weaker.
As I passed the Bargain Books, my willpower completely deserted me and I had to look.
And naturally, picked up a book for myself. Hey, it was on sale, a hardback David Baldacci for 5.99.
This cleared my head immediately.
I resume my walk to the checkout counter, the nice lady rings up my purchases and gives me a total.
I was puzzled, because the total seemed to be off. She must have noticed that I was confused because she picked up the book that I had grabbed for myself and said, "This one's free, hon. We're having a buy-4-get-the-5th-free sale."

I am the luckiest girl in the world.

---

A little heads-up:
Loose=the opposite of tight.
Lose=the opposite of win. Or find.

I'm just sayin'.

Tell me a story.

Appropriated (yes, I realize that's just a fancy word for STOLEN) from Poopie...

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, please post a comment with a completely made-up and fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want-good or bad -but it has to be fake.

Then copy the paragraph above on your own blog.

---

Yes, I have a faulty memory...so please remind me of what a time we had that day.

---

Now, my boss has given me a half-day off today, and I intend to use it for some shopping. Of which I have done none so far.
Start today, finish tomorrow...that is my goal.

Wish me luck.

---

**MINI UPDATE: Today was a fabulous day and I'm about to burst from excitement...but I'm not going to tell you until tomorrow. Or maybe Saturday. I must savor the moment.

One the first day of Blog Christmas...

Well ain't that just the cat's pajamas! :)
My pal Mary has made me her FIRST DAY OF BLOG CHRISTMAS gift!
Mary, I'm honored...and may I say that you do indeed ROCK.
She's been on my blogroll for quite a long time, and she is always a delight.

I am glad to be #1 for a couple-three reasons...

1. It's always nice to be in first place.
2. My name gets used the most times.
3. I truly feel like a superbitchSTAR, like my girl Jules said.



Thanks Mary!

---

on a different note...

Isn't it sad when you really truly like a person so very much, and then they do or say something that you just can't seem to recover from and then you just don't like 'em so much anymore?

---

Forgive my neglect...I did not make it through my blogroll this weekend.
Stupid housework.
Stupid dishes.
Stupid laundry.

Will someone please get me a maid for Christmas, so I'll have more time for blog reading? Thanks ever so.

---

You ever think people are being deliberately stupid just to piss you off?
Or is that just me?

---

on the other hand...
Do you ever deliberately act stupid to piss people off?
Or is that just me?

---

**Please don't forget about my tenant. She said she loves people dropping by unannounced, especially when they say the landlord sent them.
Go see her. Please. Thank you.

Monday Morning Quickie

A few words about Survivor...

Last year at this time, I dated a guy who looked just like Jamie. They could be brothers.
His name was Steve.

We had a good time together, until I found out he was a big ol' racist.


Is it my imagination, or did Danni have some serious collagen lips?

---

White zinfandel is not the best beverage for dipping Oreo cookies into.
I'm just sayin'.

---

We've started calling my daughter "The Dog Whisperer".
For crap's sake.

---

Please do not forget to visit my tenant and say hello, tell her the landlord sent you.
Thank you.

---

That is all.

I have writer's cramp.

**I am a slumlord again this week~so please do me a little favor and go visit my tenant. Please don't forget to say hello. And don't mention the gigantic sewer rats mice.
RockBitch has faced many challenges and is coming through them quite nicely. She's tough and feisty...you'll love her!

---

It's official~I've forgotten how to write.
By hand, I mean.
I was filling out my Christmas cards yesterday...and my hand just wouldn't work properly.
I spend all day at work typing on the computer.
I don't do any handwriting at home...well, not since my daughter learned to make the grocery list for me.

So if you notice any mistakes or cross-outs, that's why.

---

Overheard...
(my daughter to my brother-in-law's father): "I can speak a little bit of wolf, cat, and some small dog. But not much big dog."
Weird kid.

---

My week in review:

Sliced my finger open.
Kitchen sink waterline froze.
So did the drain.
Apparently kitchen lines UNfroze at some point during the day...with the tap still on.
Daughter calls at work to tell me kitchen is flooded.
I burned a whole pan of chicken.
My friend Des has already invited me for New Year's Eve~~evidently she is aware that my chances of actually having a date are slim to none.
I ate a big bunch of cookies.
And fudge.
*sigh*

---

My Year In Review:

A meme.
Sorry.

Go into your archives, and post the FIRST sentence from the FIRST post you made each month.

January: "The world is my oyster...and I can't get the damn thing open." ~aka-monty

February: If I don't get my computer back soon, Ima have to change the name to THE TWICE WEEKLY BITCH.

March: I have long suspected that my house is haunted.

April: "Thou Shalt Not Kill"...now that's just good sense.

May: But first...smug, smarmy people annoy the piss right out of me.

June: This was meant to be posted prior to the first guest post; however, the Oversight Committee committed an...oversight, as they were on hiatus.

July: Please excuse the prolonged absence.

August: Some people have SOME nerve.

September: One of my all-time favorites from engrish.com.

October: A big shout-out to Meg over at BlogCabin.

November: Yes kiddies, it is time again for that Show of Shows...Flashback Thursday!

December: How do I know the holiday season is upon us?

I am trying to send this to the Meme Graveyard, so I will tag only Brandon, the place where memes go to die.

If you decide to play, please let me know so that I can come and admire your answers.

(Jessica, I know I still owe you a meme. I'll get to it. Promise.)

C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me...

Someone skidded on the ice a couple days ago and took out a large chunk of my fence in the front yard.
Dammit.
They didn't even stop.

---

What's that?
A twinkle in my eye?
A sparkle of cheer?

Yes, it appears that the holiday spirit has finally found me!
Hoo-ah.

And it's all thanks to you. Yes, you.

Over the past couple of days I have received so many lovely Christmas cards from you, and it has made me very happy.
I feel ♥ed.

Yesterday's arrivals included a hand-drawn card that I will treasure always.
And a big box of homemade cookies and fudge.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I dove right into those (and they were terrifically delicious, I might add!).

I'd love to tell you who those gifts were from...but I'm not sure if I should because then you'll be jealous. :)

But I do want to say THANK YOU ALL so very, very much!
I love each and every card, and have proudly displayed them all in the living room.

P.S. I am getting the last of my Christmas cards in the mail Monday, so if you haven't sent me your address yet...now would be a good time. :)

P.P.S. To whoever the person is from nasa.gov who keeps lurking around here...please de-cloak yourself and say hello.
Thanks.

---

The other day I sliced my finger open nearly to the bone opening a stupid container of HEET. I was prying the cap off (it actually says PRY OFF on the lid), when it slipped and the lip of the cap cut a big chunk out of my finger.

It was totally gross.
Hence the thankfulness for big bandaids.

---

I am determined to get through my entire blogroll this weekend. I mean it.
So, if you'll excuse me...

FLASHBACK THURSDAY

Today I am grateful for:
A car with a working heater & power steering~last winter my car had neither.
Front wheel drive.
Big BandAids.

---

One year ago today...
Evidently I wasn't any more imaginative than I am now.
Here's last December 8th in Monty's World.

---

So one of my daughter's homework assignments was to write a story about Santa. I certainly don't remember doing a lot of creative writing projects in the third grade, but I'm glad to see her doing it. Incites the imagination.
Anyhoo, I thought the story was really great (although I'm aware that I'm somewhat biased in that regard), so I decided to share it. Here it is, exactly as it was written.


By Rebecca, 9 years old.

Santa's Helper


On a chilly Christmas night I was up in bed waiting for Santa. It was midnight and I was about to fall asleep, when all of a sudden I heard a noise. It was the sound of reindeer hoofs. I jumped up out of bed and went to my window. Outside of my window I saw Santa. He came in through the door. He said hi to me, and then he asked me to help him give gifts to everybody. I said yes but I have to ask my mom first. He said ok, so I went into my mom's room and asked her if I could go. She said it was ok to go with him. So, I went back in the living room and told him she said ok, and he said good. So we went outside and he let me ride on his reindeer and we delivered all of the gifts to people. When we were done he brought me back, and for being such a good helper he gave me a harmonica.

The End.

---

I think her writing style is better than mine.
And we both start every other damn sentence with "So".
I guess it is genetic.

Nostalgia

But first...
Don't forget to go visit my renter over there on the sidebar and say HOWDY!

---

Anyone else watch Grey's Anatomy?
Oh, come on, I know some of you did.

I have some empathy with Dory, with the preemies.
My twins were born at 24 weeks, and looked very much (identical, in fact) like the teeny tiny babies they showed.

I wish they had done the co-bed thing at the hospital, because my babies were frequently stressed. They did respond well to my voice and touch, and when their beds were side by side they did better.
So I did the co-bedding thing when they came home...but for purely selfish reasons, as it was just easier for me.

The picture below was taken in August of 1995. My son had only been home from the hospital for a few days, my daughter had been home for about a month and a half. They are six months old.
They are together in one little bassinette~so tiny! My son is the one yawning hugely on the right.



Two oxygen tanks, two apnea monitors (you can see Bubba's chestband that the electrodes were on)...going anywhere was a bit of a chore.


My due date was June 4...their actual date of birth was February 13.
My almost-Valentines.

Sweet. :)

A & Q Time!

Sunday afternoon, and time for
The Great A & Q

For those who haven't played it before...
I give you the answer, you tell me the question.
Got it? Good.

Today's answer is...
"Only when it is red and itchy."

---

How do I know I have PMS? Let me count the ways...

I threw my keys when I couldn't find a shoe.
Then I cried when I broke my keyring.

I cried during all the hymns in church today. And the prayers. And part of the offering.

I stamped me little feet when I couldn't get the lid off the peanut butter.
Then I cried when I licked peanut butter off the knife and scraped my tongue.

I cried whilst watching Mulan.
And The Sword in the Stone.
And during part of Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.

Please do not be nice to me. Or mean.
I'll cry.

I think I need a nap.

---

Oh wait, I'm having a mood swing.

The best medicine.

**UPDATE**
I have (temporarily) jumped on the B/E RENT MY BLOG bandwagon, so please do me a favor (because you ♥ me) and go visit him. There's some funny stuff there.

And please don't tell my new renter about the bodies buried in the backyard.

---

My buddy Goody is looking for some beta readers. I can tell you from experience that if you like his particular genre, you'll love his work.
Go check it out!

---

"I love to laugh!
HA HA HA HA!
Long and loud and clear!
I love to laugh!
HA HA HA HA!
It just gets worse every year!"

---

Obviously I watched Mary Poppins recently.

---

So how do you laugh?
Are you a giggler? Snorter? Belly laugher? One of those silent laughers where your body shakes silently while tears pour out of your eyes?
All of the above?

Me too.

I have actually embarrassed people (and by people I mean guys I have dated that really have no sense of humor~but I'll come back to that) with my laugh, in public.
I can't help it.
Like Uncle Albert, I actually float out of my seat a few inches.

Mostly, I'm a throw-your-head-back-and-laugh-with-your-whole-self kind of person. It is deep and booming, sometimes.
Then when I get truly tickled the laughter becomes silent, my whole body quivers and my face gets all red and my eyes water uncontrollably.

This has also embarrassed 'people' in public.
They look around to see if anyone is noticing the crazy girl they're with.

I say HEY, if I'm not embarrassed by that stick you have up your ass, you shouldn't be embarrassed because I'm laughing. Consider yourself fortunate that I'm not laughing AT you~~I'll be saving that for when I tell my friends about our date.

Do you inadvertently smile when you notice someone else enjoying themselves that way?
Or do you just find it annoying?
Or do you sympathize with the not-laughing person?

---

Guys who do not get my jokes, however obscure they are, do not usually get a second date.

---

Speaking of dating (or lack thereof)...

At one point in my life, the looks alone were important.
So I dated hot guys...that were dumb as a stump and twice as thick.
That is not to say that hot guys can't be smart~I'm just saying I didn't find any of those kind. I am in Okieland, after all.

Then I thought I'd date the sensitive guys. The ones who could talk about their feelings.
Great.
That's all they ever talked about. Every conversation had to be deep and/or philosophical and/or meaningful.
No wiggle room for the absurd.

The only thing these two groups have in common is that I managed to embarrass both with...well...laughter.
The best part was that sometimes they didn't even know what they said that I found so amusing.

I'm beginning to think that the problem might lie with me.
Then I just laugh that idea off.

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas...

How do I know the holiday season is upon us?
This song tells me so.

C'mon fellow OkieLanders, sing with me now. I know you know the words.
I'll start, you finish:

Jewelry is the gift to give
'Cause it's the gift that'll live and live!
So give the gift you know can't fail
From B.C. Clarke's anniversary saaaaaaale...

---

You remember one of the last scenes in the movie Pretty Woman, where Julia has her hair in a ponytail or clip or something? Then Richard Gere shows up and she takes the clip out and her hair falls into perfect bouncing curls.
No lines or frizzies from the ponytail.

Yeah, that never happens to me.

---

As it is Flashback Thursday and our very own Blazers CHL Hockey Team is playing the Ft. Worth Brahmas tomorrow night, I thought I'd re-post what happened the last time I witnessed these two teams clash...I actually went to Ft. Worth to watch the game.
Here you go.

---

Entitled: "If I'd have had a sharp stick, I'd've put out my own eyes"

From the Daily Bitch Sports Page...
Okay, so I went to Ft. Worth yesterday with my sister, to catch some CHL action.
Got our asses handed to us on a platter. (Ach, Blazers, what were you thinking?!
A perfectly lackluster performance, until the last five minutes of the game. With 2 goals scored in quick succession, the Blazers finally tied the score at 4 to 4.
Thus began the overtime...with no goals scored by either side.
Then...the bane of their existence...the SHOOT OUT.
The Blazers are not known for their capabilities in this particular area. *sigh*
Boyd Ballard (btw, thanks for the tickets, Boyd, even though I'm going to diss you a little bit) evidently does not see the puck well, since they continued to zip by him.
So when the final Brahma shot the puck...Boyd just watched it right into the goal.
Way to go, Boyd.

But as much as I love (most of) the Great State of Texas (and many of the people who reside there), there were some seriously disturbing events.
Apparently, it is customary for some of the Brahma fans to celebrate a goal in a rather unusual manner~~they take their shirts off and swing them around their heads.

I offer a few tips, or guidelines, to make this event more pleasurable (if that is even a possibility) for the rest of us:

1. If you're over, say, 40...do NOT take your shirt off.
2. If your waist size is more than, again I'll say 40 (inches)...do NOT take your shirt off.
3. If you are a candidate for the "man-bra"...do NOT take your shirt off.
4. If you've got more hair than a grizzly bear...do NOT take your shirt off.
5. If your back is as hairy than your front, if it looks like you're wearing a sweater even when you're naked...do NOT take your shirt off.
6. Ladies, if you have boobies that are hovering somewhere near your knees, even with a support bra...do NOT take your shirt off.
7. Ladies, if you've forgotten to shave your pits...do NOT take your shirt off.

Folks, this is a family show. I feel permanently scarred, and in need of serious therapy. The images are burned into my brain~~I had nightmares. *shudder*

Doctors, I hope you can fit me in for an emergency session today.

---

I at least hope WE win this time.
And the rules still stand, people. Be warned.

I feel so honoured.

A million THANK YOUs to everyone who got my back, added their two cents, bashed my blog, and offered support (however grudgingly).

You guys are amazing, and THANKS to the judges who voted for me as the lesser of two evils.

I must admit that I heaved a huge sigh of relief just now~I was worried.

Thanks to Chronic for being a good sport and a great opponent.

Yes, I'm glad it's over.
No, I will not be entering any more contests again.
Ever.

To those of you who helped me with reviews that did not make it to the final verdict~I do appreciate the help! Dave had the final red-pencil edit. Blame him.

Now maybe I can get back to normal~my nerves have been so frayed that every time my cell phone rings I jump out of my skin.
Luckily for me, I don't have that many friends, so it doesn't ring very often.

---

Have you ever been cleaning out the refrigerator and thrown some bowls away because you were too afraid to open them up to see what they (used to) contain?

Part Deux

Like the song says...

"Don't forget me when I'm gone...my heart would break..."

So, the hour of my demise draweth nigh and I am but a mouse-click away from submission to the dreaded THUNDERDOME Powers-That-Be...

In the event of my ban-ation, I want to tell you that I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the incredibly talented Cybervassals, who immediately fixed the link color issue that I had somehow screwed up. (She is, incidentally, responsible for the fabulous look of this site and if you're looking for a blog face-lift~I most highly recommend that you go see her)

Another big THANK YOU to everyone who showed such incredible support at the Thunderdome comment section~~you guys were totally amazing. Especially the ever-feisty Meg who came up with some truly imaginative and fantastic insults. :)

And last but certainly not least, I wish to give a very special THANK YOU to Tommy, Brandon, MommaK, Ivy, Jules, my friend Ashley, and Mamacita for the deliciously nasty reviews of my blog, my opponent's blog, or both. (although some of you took it a lot little easy on me~*hugs* for that)

Dave has the final edit, so I have no idea what the final product will look like, and what bits and pieces (or whose) will make the cut.

If I've inadvertently left your name off the list, do forgive me~put it down to the stress of the moment and let me know so that I can immediately fix it.

You have no idea how much I appreciate it. And rest assured that if I lose, it is entirely your fault it is no fault of yours.

The verdict will be up sometime next week. Hold my hand & read it with me?

---

A few small requests:
If I should lose, please go offer congratulations to the Pothead. We corresponded by email and he was gentlemanly to me throughout.

Please visit someone (new to you) from my blogroll.
I may not be able to blog, but I can surely lengthen my reading list.

Miss me. Every hour, every day. :)

Don't forget to send me your snail mail address for my Christmas card list.

---

Monty has left the building.

Intermission

Oh I'm makin' a (Christmas card) list,
checkin' it twice!
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice...

(I like the naughty ones best, of course)

I am readying my Christmas card list...and there are some of you to whom I would dearly love to send a card.

Please email me your snail mail addresses. :)
It'll give me something to do since I may not be blogging.

Please keep in mind that I'm incredibly lazy and you may or may not actually receive it by Christmas.

A Post In Two Parts...Part I

I have to say that this Thunderdome challenge has been a...well...learning experience for me.
I have learned many things.

I have learned that I can take criticism without responding with (too much) anger...and if you knew me in real life, you'd know that that never happens.

I have many, many friends online who I dearly love and admire. And appreciate. And am grateful to 'know'. And they like me back.

I discovered that the people who couldn't find anything either interesting or funny here also did not have much of anything to offer me on their own blogs. I couldn't connect with them, for whatever reason.

That's quite all right~it only shows our diversity.

I also found that most of the wonderful people who showed me such incredible support were the ones who ranted and complained less and shared more.
The ones who give us all their feelings, rather than just the "fuck this fuck that fuck you" stuff. (not that that offends me, I actually have a fairly foul mouth myself and do enjoy a good mind-blowing hissie-fit of a rant now and then)

Whenever I did read a negative comment about this blog...well of course it stung a little bit, and I had to wonder why they felt that way. So I would visit their blogs to try and gain an inkling of insight.

What I found was that the people who don't like it here are mostly the people who prefer the obvious humor, like I Love Lucy rather than, say, The Vicar of Dibley.
That's not a bad thing, it just is.

I simply prefer to stay away from the obvious, for the most part...or most likely I'm so obtuse that I don't see the obvious and always enter through the back door.
I mean hey, I like to watch the antics of Moe, Larry, & Shemp every now and then, but I don't want a steady diet of it.

What appeals to me is the humor that is expressed in the lift of a brow, or the accent on a particular word, the twist of a phrase.
Not Keystone Cops.

For some people, the reverse is true.

Again, neither is a bad thing, just different.

I have learned that some people take themselves far, faaaaar too seriously.
I have no idea how to even do that.
I was chatting with a friend of mine the other night and received this message:
"It's funny: I know you have a serious side to you, and that's a side that I respect and admire, but as far as your own self-image goes ... I can't imagine anyone who takes his or herself any less seriously than you. Your goofy demeanor, and the way you poke fun at yourself is something that tickles me no end. Your sense of humor is as deep and sincere--and wacko--as any I've run across."

That's one of the best compliments ever.
"Wacko" is the new "cool".


So to all the people who 'just can't get into' anything here...I salute you!
I don't understand you...but I don't have to.

---

This fall I have been invaded...

*shudder*
I am TERRIFIED of the damn things.
The other night I was on the computer and my daughter runs in to tell me that one of them was on the mat by the front door. I told her to run in my bedroom and get my bug-killin shoe (nice flat, hard sole).
She got halfway into the kitchen and I heard a scream and the words, "MOM! HELP! WE'RE SURROUNDED!"

*sigh*

eat me, pilgrim

Happy
Thanksgiving!

Travel safely, eat heartily, and be thankful.
May all your wishbone wishes come true. ;)

---

I'm not going to do a whole long list of all that I'm thankful for (you can thank me for that later), but I am going to say that I am thankful for all of you who have wrapped the threads of your lives around my own, helping to weave a beautiful tapestry.
I ♥ you.

A Deer In The Headlights

I swear, ever since this whole Blog Thunderdome thing started, my brain is frozen in fear. Or something.

Usually, this place for me is like....well, like coming home from work and shouting "HONEY! I'm HOOOME!" and then you say "Tell me about your day, dear."
Whether you're really listening or just going "Mmm hmmm, that's nice dear" to placate me, doesn't matter. Either way I'm pretending that you're listening.

So I suddenly find myself not wanting to tell. Or more accurately, I can't think of anything to tell.
From the comments over there, people have said "But I couldn't find anything funny about it".
I think they've gotten the wrong idea. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm just trying to share my day with you. So when they say it isn't funny...I hope they realize that just isn't an insult to me.

Anyway, all that was just an overly long preface to the fact that today I am scraping the bottom of the barrel and offering you what was originally a guest post at my pal Janet's, back in September.
Forgive me if it's old news to you, and you caught it the first time around.

---

I was reading an interesting post quite ago at Genuine's, regarding the community of blogging and more specifically, Dooce. In the comment section I actually saw what he was saying take life...insofar as the dooce-lovers and dooce-haters.

***Don't get your panties in a wad, I'm not getting ready to do any dooce-bashing. Throttle back.

One thing in particular that I noticed was that the ones who love Heather are quick to jump to the fore with "I love her because she blogs for herself, not anyone else."

Really? Is that some kind of new concept?

It reminds me of a blog review that I read, wherein one of the reviewers said that it was refreshing to read a blog that the person wrote for themselves, not the audience.

So, I want to know...what's the distinction?

Who do you write for? For me? For everyone else but you?
I seriously don't understand that whole line of thinking.
Some people have to write. They need to do it. Some people consider it therapeutic (when I first started my LJ, I definitely fell into that category). Some people just have something to say, and this is their forum for saying it. Some people just have nothing better to do with their time.

So, who are they writing for again?

For me, it isn't about how many comments I get, numbers-wise. It's about the people who are leaving the comments. Those people who I can connect with, bond with, interact with. The feedback I get on whether I'm thought to be right or wrong. The support I get when I need encouragement. That's what it is about, for me.

So, who am I writing for again?

Let's face it, people~~I'm never going to have a readership in the hundreds...and that's okay by me. That's never been a goal.

I'm never going to write something earth-shattering, something that will change the world, stop world hunger, or bring about world peace.
There is no "format" here.
There is only me.

I simply share the flotsam and jetsam of my humdrum life, in hopes that you'll have a similar experience to relate.

In blogging for you, I'm blogging for me.
If you should find something amusing...so much the better. I can laugh at me, so you're welcome to join in.
I blog about my life, my kids, my job, my thoughts, opinions, and beliefs...

So who else could I be blogging for, if not myself?

It's all about me.
I'm just sayin'.

Scent of a Hangover

but first...
Many of you know *coughMommaKcough* that I have a thing for limericks.

So in honor of two highly entertaining (and mostly simultaneous) conversations I had today in which I actually had to cross my legs to keep from peeing my pants (hey, once you have kids, sometimes bladder control is an issue), I give you the following:


There once were two Sisters Bizarre
One of whom tp-ed inside a car
Oh that Ivy and Jules
Love to break all the rules
And are both chasing Follow That Star.

One of them got treated to an original, one of a kind song written and performed by yrs. truly.
And as an added bonus, a mother/daughter duet of "Genie In A Bottle".

**For Jules' eyes only: Did you do the thing at the place today? ;)

---

Now children, pay attention. The following is an example of what can happen when you drink too much, have a hangover, and converse with others who have the same problem.
Don't try this at home.

Available for the first time to the public through a one time special offer!

Through massive collaborative effort, the scientists at the JulesMontyCorp have been working overtime to bring you the following products:

Got a tiny house, a single bathroom, and an overnight guest with tummy trouble? Do you dread your husband's exit from the bathroom after a Saturday night of beer and pickled eggs?
Don't cover the stench with a flowery scent~roses and poo don't mix. Deodorize that bathroom with the incredible new air freshener called
"No Shit"!
No Shit will make sure that you never have to be afraid to leave a bathroom that doesn't have a fan. Your house will always smell fresh and clean~~No Shit!
**Available in purse and pocket size

---

Ladies, kick off every morning in the right way with your very own, brand new, super-exciting Kick-Start Vibrator! Powered by a single car battery, this vibrator provides thousands of uses at FULL POWER! Yes, that's right, I said FULL POWER!
You don't have to get dressed up or make conversation. Kick-Start doesn't require any ego-stroking and will never expect you to make breakfast.
Fall asleep with a smile every night~once you've tried Kick-Start, you'll never go back!

**Warning: Not for people with pacemakers or women who ever expect to be satisfied by a man again

While supplies last!

Drunken blogging virgin.

9:34pm
Kids are asleep.
I was going to get wine...but I was too lazy to drive to the liquor store (seriously, it's like...three whole miles away) so I thought I'd try some Smirnoff thingies in different flavors (black cherry right now). I'm a lightweight, you see...I rarely ever drink so I'm figuring in another hour I'll be passed out over the keyboard, where my drool will short circuit the thing and it'll start a fire, and then the smoke will keep me passed out, so...if you see my "REGARDING MONTY" post come up in the next couple days, you'll know that it was a tragic death due to fire and where to send flowers.

So I'm into the second bottle from the first six pack, and so far, nothing. Not a buzz. And I CHUGGED the first one in about 3 seconds.
So this experiment might not work...I SHOULD have gone for the Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum and Coke. Yum.
Dammit.

---

10:13PM
**note to self: do NOT eat large quantities of pepperoncinis with pizza before drinking.
Bleurgh.

I love cornhuskers hand lotion.
I hate that they put clear lids on Pringle's cans, because I've stubbed my fingers on the lid twice now.

---

10:37pm
I wish this stuff would kick in, because I'm nt even feeling a buzz.(green apple flavor now)
It IS creating some lovely, long, drawn-out belches. YEAH. A prize any man would treasure, I am.
Tommy recommended I use spelll check, but I figure, why start now?
I'll be regretting that decision in the morning.

---

11:15ppm
Say, did ou know how I got my mane aka-monty?
Because I love all things monty python. and I watched all the movies a million times.

Okay, that wasn't a very good stoory.

I need a scigarette.
I disabled my webcam just in case I was tempted to do something foolish.
Go me.

---

1200ish

I'm glad I left the window open onmy compouter, becosua I can't remember my passworld

I think i want to go leaves ome commetns on my fiend's blogs. I'll bring smirnoff thingies. (rasberry)

---

some time and there's nothinggood on tv
and my daughter got up and requestec that i p:LEase stop singing so luod.

To all you beople with the smap filters...it took me about seventy five tries to get the correct numbres and letters in.
Just so you realize my didication to you.

I have got to stop watching supernanny.
I relaize that they are specific cases, but the parents are all like 'oh dear it breaks my heart to have so tit them on th NAUGHTY STEP!'
and "i can't disciplne thme because they won.t like me anymore!'

Seriosuly. Bust that ass.
If my kid dosent dislike me at least once a day, im'm not doing something right.

I just wonder how a kid gets to be seven years old, or six, or five, or whatever, and think it is OKAY tohit and punchg their parents.
How do they learn to do that? How do htey learn that is accceptable behavior?

Anybody know?

---

whothehellcares it is dark and i want ot sleep

I wish I had osme ice cream
I am a jealous person.
There. NOw I said it.

I'm yealous of you.

---

please forgive me. I've been informed that this post was only good if you were drunk whe you readd it.
I got it all ass-backwards.

A quickie...

Thanks so much to all of you for gettin' my back over at the Thunderdome.

Even if you only did it for the sex.
And I'm grateful to have the literate crowd on my side. :)

I've decided that I need to maybe step things up a notch...so tomorrow we will be experimenting in drunken blogging. I have no idea how it's going to turn out.
I will say that I'll do my best not to puke on your shoes, and I may try to pick one or more of you up and take you home for a one night stand.
Is that okay with everyone?

---

A nod to my Mommy-blogdom...

Daughter: "You're my favorite mom."

I'm not quite sure how to take that remark...

Masochistically yours, Aka_Monty

Remember when I said I was a Contest whore?

It seems that little proclivity has come home to roost...and bite me squarely on the ass.

One night long ago I submitted this site to Blog Thunderdome.
Perhaps I was feeling a little cocky..most probably I was just drunk and lonely.
And now I have received notice that I'm coming up for nastiness and torture review.
I believe I just soiled myself.


The bad news is...
If I lose, I am BANNED FROM BLOGGING for two whole months.
That may or may not make any difference to you. Some of you may actually rejoice.

The good news is...
I have bribes.
AND I am publicly offering to have wild monkey sex with any (or all)(or all at the same time) of the judges in exchange for a vote for me.

And most importantly, not only do I get to bash my opponent, I get to give myself the smackdown as well.

In addition to the wild monkey sex:

I've learned to build a perfect pint of Guinness for Dave.
I have two bottles of quadruple-filtered vodka in the freezer for Brad.
I may offer Carnonymous a look at my boobs.
For the beautiful and charming TJ...what's this? 25lbs of Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee? Why yes, yes it is.
LingLing scares me a little, so I brought a cat-o-nine-tails and a super-size bottle of Tums.
I got mugged looking for some good drugs out on the street for Malfouka, so the best I can do is share my Zoloft & a carton of smokes.
I do have several bottles of margarita mix and some José Cuervo for Evil Minx. A BARREL of José.
Captain Platypus can have whatever he wants.

---

Now, I'd appreciate it if you will all run on over and indulge in some good old-fashioned ass-kissing for me.

And if you'd like to help me with my own demise, please email me with your own critique of this site. Don't hold back.

---

My consolation in all of this is that when if I lose, I will have that much more time to stalk you all, leave multiple inane comments on all your posts, until you break out the restraining orders. Norman is accustomed to this behavior from me...the rest of you may find it a little frightening at first.
You'll get used to it.

A quick note...

...before I get buried beneath my work.

Thank you to the always fabulous and generous Michele, for choosing me to be Site of the Day yesterday.

And a special thank you to everyone who visited me. I enjoyed your company and your comments.
AND the fact that you saved me one biscotti for breakfast.
And THANKS to whoever washed up some spoons to help me save my inkpen.
And who the hell clogged the toilet? >:(

Rest assured that I am looking forward to returning the favor and visiting you.
And I'm not knocking first. And I'm bringing a camera.
:)

It was a lovely way to start a Monday.

I am practiced at the art of the non sequitur...

...because rarely am I relevant and even less often do I make sense.
The Pointless Blogger, as Mamacita accidentally called me. I'm thinking of changing my name.

---

---

WELCOME WELCOME! This is such a surprise! Had I known that you and Michele were coming I would have picked up the dirty underwear off the floor.
Help yourself to coffee, mugs are in the cabinet to the right of the sink. Please don't eat all the biscotti.

THANKS MICHELE! :) I ♥ you.

---

---

Yesterday I was behind a car and thought of FTS when I saw the bumper sticker
I ♥ Colorado

Anyway, I pulled up to the stop light where I watched the guy shoot the finger...at the stoplight.
HAD to be the light, because the only other person around was ME and I was behind him and hadn't done anything to deserve it. Okay, maybe a little tailgating, but that's it.
I thought perhaps he was giving the finger to the lady in the passenger seat, but he was staring straight ahead and aimed it toward the stoplight...

So, why waste a nice, perfectly executed flip-off on a stoplight?
It can't even see you. Plus you don't even get the satisfaction of a reciprocal EFF YOU gesture, horn honk, nasty threats...or even the rare but extremely deadly "DOUBLE BIRD" shot.
What's the point?
I's jes' wondrin'.

---

I wore my tennis shoes all day yesterday sans socks.
Now my shoes are stinky.
*sigh*

---

You ever notice that when you loan your car to someone and then get in it for the first time, after spending 30 minutes getting everything readjusted to PRECISELY the way it was before...you start the engine, take off, and it drives funny?

Or is it just because my brother & dad always just drive the shit out of all cars?

---

Have you ever stirred your coffee with a pen because you didn't have any clean spoons?
Oh....yeah, me neither.
I was just asking.
For research purposes.
Really.

---

I have caught my daughter sneaking around reading....
......
......
.....the encyclopedia. Twice.
Heaven only knows how many times she's done that and I haven't caught her.
I certainly hope that you don't think I'm the kind of parent who condones that type of behavior.
;);)

---

Now I have to go wash my donut down with some chocolate cake.

I know a good idea when I hear it.

Jules (aka Stumpy) had the great idea for us (single) ladies to start a blogging commune.

I think it's a fantastic idea. Two computers per (communist?) person...

Now accepting applications for hot guys to join us.
And women who are...less attractive than me, so I get all the attention.

---

**UPDATE**
Ladies Only: Which of our boy bloggers would you like to invite to join our commune?
I'll tell if you will. ;)

The Untitled Post

My Prayer For The Day...

Thank you Lord for
paydays and long weekends
coffee filters and hazelnut creamer
pimiento cheese spread and crackers
the kindness of strangers
generous hearts
and the strength to smile in the face of adversity.
Amen.
P.S. Most especially thank you for special gifts that come in the mail.
Amen.

---

Reason #407 why I Love My darling Lu:



THANK YOU! *SMOOOOOCH*
I even put on chapstick for that...cherry flavor.
Hope you enjoyed it.

---

Off Topic:
Okay, so I was wrong~you DON'T know who you are.
Nonetheless, I ♥ all of you who apologized for no apparent reason.
I most especially ♥ the ones who brought margaritas.
:)

---

I was watching PBS the other night and saw Steve Martin receiving the Mark Twain Award for humor...
I've had a serious crush on him since I first listened to Comedy Is Not Pretty on a VINYL album.
He'll be playing Inspector Clouseau in a remake of Return of the Pink Panther.

I'm fairly sure that I'd still marry him.

STEEEEEEEEVE! WHERE AAAAAAAAARE YOU? I'm waiting... *tap tap tap tap*

---

You ever have one of those days when you just want to throw up your hands, sink to the floor sobbing and whine "It's just too hard!!" like a three year old?
Yeah.
Then the moment passes, you get up, wipe your tears, and smile....


...while you start plotting revenge against those who made you feel that way. (ie: The World)
Yeah.

---

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some serious catch-up blog reading to do. I hope you have cookies.

Flashback Thursday....

...is cancelled this week.
Sorry. I know how much you were all looking forward to that. *snort*
Come back next Thursday.

---

Good job to those of you who tried to guess the movie quotes~~~Kevin got the most correct.
Way to go!

1. "Sorry boss, but there's only two men I trust. One of them's me, the other's not you."
CON AIR. Nic Cage to John Cusack (a definitely yummy scene)

2. "I play hockey and I fornicate, 'cause those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather."
MYSTERY, ALASKA (I love you, Russell!)
Ron Eldard ("Skank" Martin), apologizing for sleeping with another man's wife.

3. "It's a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire."
WAITING FOR GUFFMAN (a must-see movie).
One of many great lines from Corky St. Clair, aka Christopher Guest.

4. "Ooohh, a pissing contest, can I watch?"
LEAP OF FAITH. Debra Winger to Steve Martin & Liam Neeson.

5. "Why is that you have twenty-four different kinds of pork rinds and you only have one kind of peanut butter?"
THE SUPER. Joe Pesci the slumlord...

6. "Look, we all go way back and uh, I owe you from the thing with the guy in the place and I'll never forget it."
OCEAN'S 11. Elliot Gould to (my future ex husband) George Clooney.

7. "Either he's alive or he's dead, or the cops got him...or they don't."
RESERVOIR DOGS. Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen) to Nice Guy Eddie (Chris Penn)

8. "And with a flick of my wrist, I could change your religion."
THE THREE MUSKETEERS. Milady de Winter (Rebecca de Mornay) to Cardinal Richelieu (Tim Curry). He's...smarmy.

9. "The central message of Buddhism is not 'every man for himself'."
A FISH CALLED WANDA. Jamie Lee Curtis as Wanda educating Kevin Kline's Otto by not calling him stupid.


10. "We are a covert anti-terrorist team that is so secret, when we snap our fingers...NOTHING HAPPENS."
FACE/OFF (I *heart* this movie) Sean Archer (John Travolta)...who was also responsible for one of my other favorite lines from this movie: "I hate to see you go, but I LOVE to watch you leave!"

Yes, I've actually used that line myself.
With excellent results, I might add. ;)

---

Off Topic...
My feelings are hurt.
You know who you are.
Boo urns.

Movie Junkies

But first...
I love music.
This morning Rare Earth set the tone for my day.
Let us all join hands and get our kumbaya-yas and sing together

I just want to celebrate
Another day of livin'
I just want to celebrate
Another day of LIFE!

Now, don't you feel better?

---

In honor of my pal Kevin at Poop'D Culture (the blogger formerly known as The Rant King), today we'll have us a little quote game.
Kevin provides those geeks nerds movie junkies like me a regular feature of "Who Said That?" movie trivia~~it is a favorite of mine. But he doesn't get to play.

So now I will choose some quotes from some of my favorite movies...
and you can try to guess them. If you're feeling like a smartass smart, you can also name the person who delivered the line with such feeling.

This is for you, Kevin. ;)
(man, that sort of sounds like you died, doesn't it?)

Of course you are all encouraged to play too, and give him some competition.

Now, someone please go tell Mr. Poop'D Culture to get his ass over here. Thanks.

---

1. "Sorry boss, but there's only two men I trust. One of them's me, the other's not you."

2. "I play hockey and I fornicate, 'cause those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather."

3. "It's a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire."

4. "Ooohh, a pissing contest, can I watch?"

5. "Why is that you have twenty-four different kinds of pork rinds and you only have one kind of peanut butter?"

6. "Look, we all go way back and uh, I owe you from the thing with the guy in the place and I'll never forget it."

7. "Either he's alive or he's dead, or the cops got him...or they don't."

8. "And with a flick of my wrist, I could change your religion."

9. "The central message of Buddhism is not 'every man for himself'."

10. "We are a covert anti-terrorist team that is so secret, when we snap our fingers...NOTHING HAPPENS."

Good luck!

A meme-like thingy.

As taken from Easy...

From the list of ALL TIME 100 NOVELS, here are the ones I've read (**note: I must also offer the disclaimer that I do question the inclusion of a few of them as TOP Books, but hey, I wasn't the one in charge of making the list. Although I probably should have been):

1. Animal Farm
2. Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret
3. Catch 22
4. The Catcher In The Rye
5. A Clockwork Orange
6. Deliverance
7. The French Lieutenant's Woman
8. Go Tell It On The Mountain
9. Gone With The Wind
10. The Grapes Of Wrath
11. The Great Gatsby
12. The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe
13. Lolita
14. Lord Of The Flies
15. The Lord Of The Rings
16. 1984
17. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
18. A Passage To India
19. The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie
20. Rabbit, Run
21. Slaughterhouse-Five
22. The Sound And The Fury
23. The Spy Who Came In From The Cold
24. The Sun Also Rises
25. To Kill A Mockingbird

---

I find it ironic that many of these titles were also on the Top 100 Most Challenged Books list...

I rock, I roll, I rule...

...AND I WON!
LU'S Loaded Questions V

I get a priiiiiiiiize, I get a priiiiiiiize, and you ain't gooooooot one, and you ain't gooooooot one...

I am releasing my inner child.

---

Now I would like to extend the invitation for you to try to steal my beautiful tiara and play the next round of
LOADED QUESTIONS VI

**Please make sure to READ THE RULES OF PLAY

C'mon, you KNOW you want a chance to beat me.

---

Off topic~~Uppity, self-righteous bitches really piss me off.
Is all I'm saying.

Teen Angel...can you hear me?

Anyone remember those songs of the 50s & 60s, where the girls were always dying in car crashes?

"Are you somewhere up above, and am I still your own true love?"
"I lost my love, my life, that night..."

So we decided to go with the "Teen Angel" theme for Hallowe'en.

I now present to you...
Bride of The Leader Of The Pack

---

Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you...


All ready for her big date...


I think she's happy her head stayed (re)attached after digging her way out...


She came home at least as alive as when she left. :)

I was just thinking...

I was watching a commercial for a made-for-TV movie that is going to be on this Sunday (I think).

Then I saw the Cast Of Characters.

I think "Category 7: End of the World"

should actually be called
"Category 7: End of Some Already Mostly Dead Careers"

Or is that too long for a good title? ;)

FLASHBACK THURSDAY

Yes kiddies, it is time once again for that Show of Shows...

Flashback Thursday!

Can't you just feel the excitement. Oh yeah.

---

but first...
So busy this week...no time for blog-reading. I look forward to catching up with all of you this weekend. I have not forgotten you.

---

From "The Year Of The Zoloft"...


I find it interesting that some people are so self-important that they'll take 'credit' for just about anything, whether it REALLY had anything to do with them or not. How gauche.

---

Do people still drink hot tea with milk and sugar in it? Because I've recently developed a taste for it, for some strange reason...

---

Why don't some men understand that 'NO' really does mean 'NO'? I was thinking about some of the men I've dated in the last year and half...to a man, they all had a fascination with my back. Or my skin. Or something. Every hug seemed to involve hands (not mine!) sliding under the back of my shirt.
This makes me uncomfortable, unless it is done by someone I'm sleeping with (or anticipating sleeping with).
OR (and this REALLY gets my goat)...the fucking tickling. My skin is very sensitive and I'm very ticklish. Now, WHY O WHY do men persist in touching me in EXACTLY the spots I say NOT to because they're so ticklish? It is NOT fun for me. My sides are sensitive to a light touch. My back. My feet. My belly. ALL very ticklish spots for me. (unless I'm in the 'heat of the moment', that is).
So why, when I say, "That tickles, please don't do that", do they IMMEDIATELY do it again?
Now, if I'm in an intimate situation with someone (that involves partial or full nudity), that's different. But if you're just getting to know someone...
It's disrespectful, in my mind. Do my wishes count for NOTHING? Do some men suddenly go deaf when they hear the words 'NO', 'DON'T', or 'STOP'? Am I over-reacting?
I try to be nice...the first couple of times. After that, they'd better hide their nuts.
So there.

Today was a Krabby Patty day...
by which I mean that I was 'krabby'.
My new bumpersticker:
Honk if you hate customers

*HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK!*

---

Man, I was bitchy last year.

Oh, wait.... ;)