Dear Monty's Friends,
Please forgive Monty's absence this weekend (if in fact you even noticed her absence this weekend), as she has been caught up with family nonsense and school preparation and things of that nature.
Also please forgive the unanswered emails and unreturned phone calls--she assures me that she will get right on those.
(sometimes she tells lies, though, so take that for what it's worth)
She says she is very sorry, unless you didn't notice that she hasn't been visiting you recently, in which case never mind.
Oh, and I'm supposed to tell you to have a day, whatever that means.