Is the election over yet?

I am apolitical. I loathe the whole political game.
I rarely talk about politics and even more rarely write anything about it.
Mostly because I don't get it, but in large part it's due to the fact that y'all (just the general "y'all") are rabid. Foaming-at-the-mouth howl-at-the-moon CRAZY.
And if I write about what I think, there's always someone in one camp or another who wants to argue and yell and get red in the face and convince me that I'm wrong and then list all the ten thousand and one reasons why I'm wrong.

You can't just let me be. You can't let me believe what I want, like my thoughts and beliefs are so much LESS important, less RIGHT, than yours.
You suck the life out of the air around me.
So I avoid it.

I hate the mudslinging and the digging of the "dirt" and the half-assed "facts" that are printed prior to being thoroughly researched.

I hate the people who get such a thrill every time some of that nastiness on the "opponent" is printed or aired on the news, and then they rush to spread the gossip just like that creepy old busybody down the street who's always all up in everyone's bidness. (sorry Mom)(you're not really creepy)

I'm here to tell you that you're all right, and you're all wrong.
Each side has its own balance of good and evil.

What seems to be overlooked most frequently is that the candidates for ANY political office or government position are...HUMAN BEINGS.

Humans. People.
And people are stupid. And they fuck up. And they make piss-poor decisions. And they trip and fall down.

If only those people who had never smoked weed, cheated on a spouse, never told an off-color joke, never had an abortion or premarital sex, never gotten drunk, never had a teenage pregnancy (or had a pregnant teenage daughter), never got old, never made an error in judgment, never grabbed an ass or showed their boobs or misspoke or screwed up were the ONLY ones allowed to pontificate, there would be silence across the land.

I mean yeah, once they're in the spotlight (or planning to seek it out) they should avoid the hookers and drugs and embezzlement.
And interns.
And cigars.
And penis pumps.
And whatever.

Sure, I want to know if the candidates have done jail time and if so, why. Or if they've spend time in rehab or a mental institution.

But not every 18 or 21 year old kid who just got caught taking a drunken piss in a public fountain or flashing their tits for some Mardi Gras beads knows right then that they're going to be running for office some day, do they? And yet we condemn them for it, years later. We judge them on the actions of their families, when we have no control over our OWN.

Someone said to me today that we SHOULD hold presidential candidates to much higher standards than we hold ourselves, because it's part of being a leader.
So... they're less human than I? More perfect? I should allow THAT sort of person, the kind running for president or VP or even Senate to be the example by which I lead my life?

Not only no, but aw HELL no.

I say I am a leader too, and have to set a good example for my children. I have to lead by example, practice what I preach, do unto others, and a whole bunch more cliches & sayings and stuff.
I mess it up sometimes. I fail sometimes.

Sure, I'm not in the spotlight so maybe my fuckups don't matter so much to you and the rest of the general public, they don't affect national security or have the power to start/end a war or balance the national budget...but they should matter a WHOLE LOT MORE TO ME.

Yes, it's a very narrow, simplistic view, but then, my world is somewhat narrow.

I think it's great you have your strong opinions and that you speak out against what you believe is right or wrong. You should be firm in your beliefs and stand up for them. You should do that, but maybe you should keep in mind that people can't always live up to your expectations.
I tend to take a more realistic approach.

So left or right, red or blue, D or R or I, here's what's wrong with YOUR candidate: he (and by "he", I mean "he/she") LIES, because he's human. He trips and he falls down and he speaks without thinking, because he's human. Sometimes he's WRONG, because he's human. He fucks up-sometimes really BIG- because he's human.
Being in the spotlight magnifies the fuckup to the nth power.

I don't see Jesus walking around out there running for any office. Or even John The Baptist.

Okay, maybe Judas, though.

So we sit around so smug and self-righteous, passing judgment and doling out criticisms and bad mouthing and pointing fingers and backpedaling and getting all rabid, just like we've never made a mistake in our lives and have the perfect right to act like that and be all judge-y.

All I'm saying is that maybe you should relax a little, stop screaming for five minutes, don't take it all so personally, and stop trying to cram your opinions down my throat before I vomit all over you.

What, you expect people to be perfect?
When was the last time YOU fucked up?

It's all about the big hair, baby.

If you missed the show live... well, that's okay, because we maxed out our spots on the server & people were jockeying for position! Chatroom was filled with fun and nudity. THE MUSIC WAS AWESOME, because that's how I roll. :)

I DIG THE 80s! was our theme (which yeah, I totally ripped off from VH-1. Sue me), and we had a great time!

GET THE PODCAST!

And mark your calendar for next week, as Jeckles will be my co-host as we play "BOOGIE NIGHTS"!

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and now for something completely different...

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Typos suck, especially when you're being insulting. Takes a lot of the sting out when you call someone a "cant".

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I just wanted to mention that there are some people who think they're playing games with me, and maybe I pretend to be oblivious... BUT I SEE THROUGH YOU. I see what you're really like inside.
And it ain't as pretty as you like for people to think.

Just in case you were wondering.

---

My darling friend Lisa is arranging a Boston tweet-up... I really, really want to go.
Keep your fingers crossed that I can get my boss to let me have some extra work to earn airline $$ AND that Sperm Donor will take the kids for a night and that the planets are all in perfect alignment, otherwise I won't be able to go.

Not that you care, but still. Cross your fingers for me anyway. Do it for our love. ♥

---

There was some other stuff that was supposed to go here, but I can't remember what it was.
I'm QUITE sure it was really, really important and electrifying, though.
Sorry.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

BUBBLES BUBBLES BUBBLES!

Okay, first off I have to say that I HATE HATE HATE doing the dishes. I'd (almost) rather clean the toilet - my kitchen is tiny & looks cluttered even if there are only a few dirty dishes.
And usually they're piled up, because the only dishwasher I have is...well, me and the two hands with which I'm typing right now.

So I signed up with Mom Central to review Clorox Green Works Dishsoap, but I did it with a heavy sigh.

For most things I'm not brand loyal - I'm more of a bargain shopper, but Clorox is one brand that I love. Especially the well known bleach. LOVE it. Different brands don't have the same feel and smell and CLEAN like Clorox does.
Also? I LOVE the fact that I get to test out "green" products - it's important for me to try to set a few good examples for my children. At least product wise, because I fail in most other ways.
Anyway.

I got some of this Clorox dishsoap, and I love it!
It smells gooooood, it makes lots of long lasting bubbles, and the dishes are squeaky clean - it cuts through grease like a champ (and you know in OkieLand we fry everything and then put gravy on it). AND it's made from plant-based biodegradable materials and packaged in bottles that can be recycled.

What's even better is that they have a WHOLE LINE of cleaners! All purpose cleaner, toilet bowl cleaner, glass cleaner.


It's long past time that I started caring about the environment & doing my part.
Don't you think you should too? Every little thing helps.

So you can make an informed decision...

Top Ten Reasons NOT To Vote For Me
in the Hot Blogger Calendar contest:

1. I'm already a giant attention whore.
READ MY BLOG! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! LISTEN TO MY LIVE SHOW! DOWNLOAD MY PODCAST! CHECK OUT MY RACK!
See? (okay, the rack is still pretty swell for 40)

2. That picture up in the sidebar is like 4 years old. Now I'm less cute and more wrinkly. Also fatter. But my hair still looks damn good.

3. As I may have mentioned about a hundred times before - I am not a very nice person. I just pretend to be so you'll like me and then I can treat you bad like I do all my real-life friends.

4. I say a lot of hateful things, and mostly I mean them.

5. If you start talking to me about politics, my eyes will glaze over and possibly I'll have a small stroke, because I'm absolutely apolitical. Yell at me all you want about how people like me are why there is never any real change, I promise it won't do any good - I'll just tell you what you want to hear so you'll SHUT THE FUCK UP already.

6. I firmly believe that a lot of that newfangled "Social Media" stuff is just an excuse for people to get together, get drunk, and sing karaoke. I really don't drink, so I'm underqualified. And people actually MAKE MONEY somehow. It's so confusing.

7. I really don't like people.

8. I am made of asshole.

9. I often feel a really strong urge to headstab people. Usually it's the same handful of folks, but occasionally there's a new & improved douchebag that I really, really want to get.

10. Probably you should now review #s 3, 4, 7 and 8 especially.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Some things which are of no particular importance.

Quote Of The Day...

In the Great Paragraph Of Life, I am usually out of context.

---

Yeah no, I don't really know what it means either.
But it sounded really smart when it was in my head.

---

So let me take a moment to mention that the voting is OPEN at Hot Blogger Calendar!

Yes, I consider it an honor to be nominated; no, I am not campaigning for votes (although, you know, if you vote for me and I win there could be something in it for you. Maybe).

I was reading on blogs and on Twitter all about how stupid the contest is and how "hot" is so subjective and how some of the people nominated were really very far from hot and how if "I were nominated I would SO ask to have my name removed" and how "this is a joke, right?" and blahblahblah.

How those people could even speak through the mouthsful (mouthfuls?) of sour grapes, I have no idea.

I say... sometimes, things are just for fun.
I say... I'm JAZZED someone liked me enough to nominate me.
I say... There's more to being HOT than just looks. (Obviously. I mean, Ms. America I ain't. And plus also I'm mean and sort of rude and occasionally have a fucking foul mouth, so I'm not going to win on personality. How the hell did I end up on the list anyway?) (OH yeah, bribery and sex. Don't try that at home - it's for professionals only).

If you don't like it, don't go to the site. But also, don't run your ever-flapping lame-hole about shit when you haven't even bothered to check it out.
Is all I'm saying.

---

If a hooker tells you that you look like such a professional, it's only polite to tell her she looks like a real pro too.

---

OH. Did you miss the All-Dedication Show on Friday?
Too bad. It was great.

But you can listen to the podcast, I GUESS:

Getting my pimp on.

First things first...
Would you LOOKA THAT? VOTE FOR ME when the voting opens. There may be a little som'm som'm in it for you.
You KNOW I'm a slut.

Come on, wouldn't you like a calendar with my picture on it? Maybe I'll get lucky & can be Ms. February and I'll wear strategically placed candy hearts.
IT COULD HAPPEN.

---

And also...
Don't forget to check out Mike's Place! Because he likes me better than you, I GET MY VERY OWN PAGE. Take a peep.

---

Last but not least...
TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific (okay OKAY, 8pm Mountain time)

Tonight we present: Call In Your Dedication with Delilah!
Okay, it's not really Delilah. It's me. But I'm ever so much cooler and stuff.

You'll have to add me to your skype: aka.monty

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

That is all.
Have a day.

Twitter Dating 101

I'm always just a tad bit surprised when I hear of all the hook-ups that happen on Twitter - up to and including a marriage proposal and acceptance! Also a later public announcement of the broken engagement, but that's another story.

Then again maybe it shouldn't surprise me, as I see some girls marketing their considerable "girlfriend" skills ... ever-so-subtly letting the boys know through their tweets that not only are they SO AVAILABLE, but also they're SUCH A GOOD CATCH, REALLY FOR REALS.

Oh, I know what you're thinking, but MY slutty "girlfriend" marketing skills are completely UNsubtle. I'll tell you straight out that I'd probably put out if you take me to the Neil Diamond concert here in October (although that deal ALSO requires that you buy me a concert t-shirt, but still).

So I was on my way to work this morning (I do my best daydreaming thinking in the car) and decided to tweet a series about what I imagine a twitter date would be like.

Or at least, what my twitter date would probably be like.

So if you missed it this morning...

---

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Twitter Dating: A series. Tweet #1: "OMG @--- is even cuter than his mangatar! I need a tictac."

---

Twitter Dating #2: "@--- & I are at the movies watching Dark Knight. He "accidentally" touched my boob! Also he is hogging the popcorn."

---

Twitter Dating #3: "At dinner with @---. He has spinach in his teeth. SO GROSS but FUNNY, so I'm not going to tell him. DO NOT TWEET HIM!"

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Twitter Dating #4: "OMG I'm totally DOING IT with @--- RIGHT NOW! After all, he DID spring for dinner & movie & you should see size of his c
(ed. note: Aw, too bad! That one must have been over 140 characters)

---

Twitter Dating #5: oaifhjkajsadhjuiwhrjh

---

Twitter Dating #6 (the next morning): "Hm. Daylight changes things. & now he knows where I live. I might have to move."

---

Twitter Dating #7: "Unfollowing/blocking @---."

The end.

Celebrity is like the bubbles in champagne

SAAAWOOON. I have hit the big time now! Comedy guru Mike Doe has given me my very own page at his place!

I am now such a starlet that I intend to go around in short skirts and no underwear... oh. Wait. Never mind - I already do that.

I intend to go get drunk and make a fool out of myself in public.... oh. Wait...

I intend to tip off the paparazzi whenever I leave my house so that they can follow me around & I can act all irritated and stuff and pretend I don't like it.
That is, if they ever return my calls. So far, no joy.

Who's got a camera?

Gee, your hair smells terrific!

but first...
If you missed Friday's live show...it was SOLD OUT. That's right, people had to take turns listening because we maxed out the server! Hopefully we can upgrade before next week.
Grab the podcast!

---

This product was a DEFINITE gimme for me and I was SO glad to get on the tour!
I've been a big fan of Suave for a long time, because
A. It makes my hair squeaky clean
B. My hair has a fresh, just-washed scent for a loooong time
and
3. It usually only costs about 99 cents a bottle (WOO!)

NOW they have a new Professional Hair Care line, comparable to Sebastian and L'Oreal's Matrix products.

I'm not really a vain person... except when it comes to my hair. I mean, I don't care if it gets all messy & windblown during the day, but dammit it looks nice when I start out in the morning.

One thing about Oklahoma summers is the freakin' HUMIDITY...it's like drinkable air. It is also The Suck.
And it makes my hair texture resemble that of a brillo pad (which may go some way to explaining my single-hood). So I got to try the SLEEK Shampoo and Conditioner... my frizzy little sticky-out pieces are now becoming tame! I'm not even kidding. We also got the VIBRANT SHINE Shampoo & Conditioner which I gave to my daughter to try - she doesn't always rinse well so her hair seems dull a lot of the time. We went outside the other day (I KNOW! I actually left the computer and WALKED OUTSIDE) and LO! she had shiny gold highlights. Who knew?

The Extra-Hold Mousse is ALSO fantastic - it's really thick textured but it goes on light. My hair's got some natural curl and when I use the mousse I don't even have to do anything else to my hair. Just scrunch & let it dry. Saves me about 10-15 minutes of blowdrying and curling. That gives me a-whole-nother cup of coffee AND twitter-time in the morning.

OH! One more thing. If you like the scent of coconut & suntan lotion, you should try the Suave Naturals Tropical Paradise Invisible Solid deodorant.
You know my weird thing about deodorant, right?

So boys, if you want to, you know, give me a hug or something, my hair smells awesome (and it's soft and swingy if you should want to oh, run your hands through it or something) and my underarms smell coconutty and yum.
Is all I'm saying.
Hint hint.

HEY YOU GUYS!

Hi kids! I'm playing hostess for Karl over at Secondhand Tryptophan today!
He's got a really groovy pad, come on over and keep me company! He left me the key to the liquor cabinet...and I know where the stash is too.

PAAAAARTAY!

How dumb ARE you?

Dear Everyone who will ever consider running for President of the US:

DON'T. FUCK. AROUND. ON. YOUR. SPOUSE.
Seriously, have you NOT been paying attention the last 40 or 50 years?
SOMEBODY ALWAYS TALKS. And then your poor spouse and kids get slapped in the face with YOUR weakness and infidelity over & over again.

It's simple: if you cheat on your spouse or your taxes, the story will come out.
IT WILL.

So suck it up, keep your dick in your pants, and don't humiliate your wife & kids.
mkay?
Good.

Sincerely tired of political foibles,
Monty

---

ONE MORE THING.

Make sure you grab the podcast for last week's Friday Night Live - GEORGE-A-PALOOZA!
Lots of fun things happened.
You'll see.
Or, rather, HEAR.

Just a quick thought

Sometimes giving a gift is even better when nobody knows it's from you.

Getting organized with EYE CANDY!

Can you believe it is SCHOOL TIME ALREADY?! I know, right? Summer just started!
But my kids start back to school next week, which means THIS week will reduce me to a blubbering pool of useless goo due to the stress.
DO NOT LIKE Back-To-School because
1. Hate shopping for clothes
and
B. the ENDLESS HOOP-JUMPING.

The only thing I do like about back to school is the SUPPLIES. They're so much FUN now! I love all the cute folders, the neat packages of pencils and psychedelic pens - stuff is so much cooler now than it was when I went to school and our folders were either red, green, blue, yellow, or black. And plain.
The biggest thing that came along back then was when they introduced the ERASERMATE erasable ballpoint pen. WOO. Neato. And stuff.

So COLOR ME JAZZED that I got to review this bunch of goodies from Carolina Pad (Simply Chic and Eye Candy)...my daughter and I are currently squabbling over who gets what stuff.
(and PS I'm the mom so of course I will win)

Because the stuff is so nifty, I present to you a pictorial review (click the pic for the embiggened view):



You know, when I'm at the studio, my desk is neat and clean and organized... I can't work if it's all cluttered and crapped up. Unfortunately something seems to happen to my brain when I walk into my HOUSE, because there the clutter is comforting and I can't seem to fix it.
But NOW I've got all this cool stuff to help me get organized...



And this is cute, colorful stuff with houndstooth patterns and polka dots and stripes... there are magnets and notepads and post-its and pens and mouse pads and SO MUCH MORE!





Just so you know, ALL THIS GROOOOVY STUFF from Simply Chic and Eye Candy can be found at Wal-Mart or any of these stores.



PLUS ALSO!
What's better than free stuff? NOT MUCH.
So make sure you go to the Carolina Pad website and enter the monthly contest!

Now, who wants to go with me to the actual enrollment to ensure that I don't punch anyone this year? Anybody? Bueller?

Me thinks.

You may have already seen some of these on Twitter. But I'm trying to spend less time there, as it is a giant time-suck.

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Smiling and telling people to 'have a nice day' when they're enraged is a sure-fire way to make them pop a vessel.
Also it's a source of great amusement for me.

---

If I should ever become an "A-List" blogger (I KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!), I will go out of my way to be approachable and not a total douchebag.

---

You know you've been watching too much porn when you're actually surprised - and a little disappointed- that the pizza-delivery guy didn't make a move on you.

---

Nothing says "I love you" like a $20 in the g-string.

---

I stole the term "girl-wood" from one of Golfwidow's podcasts.

---

The best way to be remembered by your gyno is to ALWAYS carry a strand of pearls to drape artfully across your vajayjay -while half-closing your eyes and biting your lip in a sexy manner- during the exam.

---

I'm not good or bad, I'm just inevitable.

---

Sometimes when I say "you're the whole package!" what I really mean is "you're a real tool".

---

If I was a hooker, I would nickname my vagina "The Money Pit".

---

I wanted to be a massage therapist, then I realized my aversion to touching strangers might prove a wee bit of a hindrance.

---

I giggle every time I hear the commercial where the burly guy says "I'm so glad I switched to Cox!" Say it out loud. It's funny. Yes, I'm 12.

---

I'd like to tell myself that if I didn't work full time & had help with the kids, my house would be cleaner. But that'd probably be a lie.

---

I have given my phone # out more times on twitter than I did that time I got really drunk at the bar & danced on the speaker.

---

I was surprised to see that Speedos are no longer the fashion in Olympic men's swimming. Guess they needed to streamline their junk to be more hydrodynamic.

---

You know you're really old when that hot mermaid tattoo you got at 18 now just looks like a manatee.

---

Just trying to make it a little easier for you...

First, a HUGE THANK YOU to those fabulous and very good friends who tune in nearly every week, who make me laugh in the chatroom, and who download the show afterward.
You're the best.
♥♥♥

Double Shot Of My Baby's Love...or something like that.

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific (okay OKAY, 8pm Mountain time)

Tonight we present: DOUBLE-SHOT FRIDAY!
It's more than just music. It's a drinking game.
The best of both worlds, yes?
AND!
A special DOUBLE-THEME tonight that you don't want to miss!

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Come get a double-shot of my love, baby.

sweet relief

It was sort of like lancing a boil.
If I'd ever had a boil, I mean.
Yeah.

Bloggers do it with FLAIR

"You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair like your pretty boy Brian over there, why don't you make the MINIMUM 37 pieces of flair?" ~~Joanna, Office Space

Hey, I might not have the recommended 37 pieces of BlogHer flair, but I think this is enough to get me a job at TGIFriday's, don't you?

One of my finest moments.

Well, one of many, many such moments.

When I was a hotel GM I got to go to New Orleans for the first time to help open a new property.
I'm good at that kind of crap.
ANYWAY.

About 15 of us went for dinner at a little hole-in-the-wall cafe that my local counterparts had recommended.

Waitress: "Today's special, y'all got balled shrimp."

Me:: thinking-- did she say balled shrimp? or BALD shrimp? And what the fuck is that anyway?

Me: "Excuse me, does that mean shrimp balls?"

A moment of shocked silence at the table. All eyes turned toward me. Then the roof raised with the sound of laughter.

Then the waitress made it even better when she said (after wiping the tears from her eyes) "No hon, it's where we put the shrimp in a pot and ball it."

OH. BOILED.

Good times.
I am made of Teh Coolness.

---

---

some days I feel invisible.
Even when I'm not trying to use my superpower.

---

---

Scrub-a Scrub-A Scrub-A

THE BATHROOM IS MY NEMESIS.
Okay, I'm really lazy not much on housecleaning, but I do like a clean bathroom. Because otherwise? Ew.
So I was happy to be included in Mom Central's Scrubbing Bubbles blog tour.

For years and years (following Mommie Dearest's my mom's tradition) I've scrubbed the bathroom with powdered cleanser (Comet). It's always nice & sparkly & fresh when I'm finished, but O! The rinsing! And the tiny bit of grit in the tub that I always seem to somehow miss.

THEN! I got a chance to try the Scrubbing Bubbles Action Scrubber. I made let my daughter give it a shot first on the bathtub - and she actually did a really good job. Fair is fair, so I tried it too and let me tell you it's SO MUCH EASIER than my normal powder-and-rag scrubbing. Got the tub just as clean - and GRIT FREE!.

Simple to use, no icky stuff that you have to touch. Just attach a scrubbing pad to the (very comfortable to use!) handle, and VOILA! Nice. Especially when you're...housekeeping challenged, like me.
And just to sweeten the deal, if you head over to the Scrubbing Bubbles site, THERE ARE COUPONS for the Action Scrubber (along with some of their other awesome products)!!

I'm sold. I've quit the powder cold-turkey. Once you go Action Scrubber, you'll never go back.
Is all I'm saying.

OH and PS: My podcast makes EXCELLENT background noise by which to clean. Or so I've heard.

---

and now for something completely different...

I need to give a HUGE shout-out and THANK YOU SO MUCH to the wonderfully generous and fine folks at Six Apart Media (the people of Movable Type and Typepad).
I had the incredibly good fortune to meet some of the behind-the-scenes people at a fun (and SO CROWDED!) cocktail party whilst at BlogHer last week. They ROCK! When I decide to give in to peer pressure and move away from blogger.com, I'm definitely going to join their family.

AND THE BEST PART???

They drew my name to win an iPhone 3G!!!
It was the only thing I won in San Francisco - and it was one of the very best prizes EVER.

Thank you, Six Apart!!

I like Pokemon. Shut up.

WOO! I have to say that this has to be on my Top Favorite Things To Review List.
If I had a list, I mean.

I like to review the variety of things that Mom Central sends my way -- but I won't promote a product or service that I wouldn't stand behind.

So let me just say, for the record... GAME STOP KICKS ASS!

I went in to check them out & it was like a little slice of gamer heaven. Games for all sorts of systems, and MOVIES GALORE! The used - excuse me, previously viewed movies were hard to resist because they were so inexpensive.

GameStop has new AND used games, game systems, BLING, accessories (and PS my daughter has the cutest little backpack made to hold all her Nintendo DS stuff now), and just cool goodies that I wanted to buy. For myself.

AND. Did you know that you can trade in your old GameBoy & use that toward the purchase of a new Nintendo DS?
I've a pretty pink one all picked out.
Again, for myself.

I wonder if my daughter would notice that her Gameboy was missing.
I wonder if I could lie convincingly about the Gameboy's whereabouts.
I wonder if she'd notice if I had a pretty pink new DS.

*sigh* I think GameStop is a bad influence on me. Sort of like my friends. And the men I date.
I'm sensing a pattern here.

OH YEAH. If you have one of those really geeky kids who likes to beat the game as fast as possible... GAMESTOP will take trade-ins. And they have a really excellent selection to choose from.

So feed your inner gamer and head out to GameStop. Trust me. Would I steer you wrong?
And PS: I really need JewelQuest. Just in case you want to send a "HEY, THANKS FOR RECOMMENDING THIS GREAT STORE!" gift.
Is all I'm saying.

A little bit beginning, a little bit end.

I don't plan to do a total BlogHer 08 recap - mostly because large portions are just a big blur.

NO, not because I was drunk or anything.
For the most part.

You remember my T-shirt for BlogHer, right?

I'm glad I had it! Because I was spotted by none other than the deliciously cute Schmutzie - and we were both traveling alone up until that point. Then we clung together like two shipwrecked souls on a single lifesaver (pep0mint flavor).
That was the beginning part.

Later that same day...
I touched Hilly's boobs several times.
It was truly an awesome experience.

I went out back with Kimberly. You know, lookin' for trouble and stuff.

I slept with Mamacita. Don't hate me because I'm slutty. You're just jealous.

And remind me to tell you later how I made out with Karl many, many times. Yeah, baby.

Plus also some other things. With other people.

---

And now, some pictures.
I know, it's like going to someone's house and having to sit through their vacation slides.
Shut it, you haven't even seen 'em yet. And plus mine are better anyways. (sorry for that 's' on the end, Mamacita! heeeheee)

So I went here on Sunday...



...because I heard that there were docks and I was hoping to pick up a sailor or two.
Unfortunately the fleet must've been out because they only had a few fishermen who didn't have a full set of teeth even added all together.

BUT! I found some EDUCATIONAL movies to watch:







Beats the hell out of PBS, I can tell you.

And since we can't afford even a state-run nursing home for Grandma, I found a way for Grandma to earn her keep, stop her from wandering off, AND provide housing for her!



I KNOW. Cool.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
If you behave yourselves, I MIGHT let you watch some more of my vacation slides later.

That's every pair of shoes in the store, except for...

...THE CRUEL SHOES.


Yes, my favorite flipflops are grungy (but cute! pink with Blow Pops - yeah, I know, how appropriate, right?) and dirty and a little stinky, so I couldn't take them to BlogHer.
Okay, I could have, but...ew.
So I bought some new ones, with sparklies!

MIS.TAKE.

They really are The Cruel Shoes.

See?



And you know once they've had a taste of blood, there's no way to keep them from killing again. Mostly you have to put them down.

*sigh*



On the upside, at least one person of the male persuasion thought my polished toesies were hot.



"Monty Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.
'I LIKE THEM!'
I She paid Carlo & crawled out the door and into the street..."

It's almost time to go!

...and I think I might vomit.
I am skeered.

SOMEONE BETTER HUG ME.

Okay, handshaking is okay too, if you want to be that way about it.
I've got to head to the airport in about 2 1/2 hours...

If you see me in the SF airport, want to share a shuttle to the hotel? Because I don't want to go in by myself.

I KNOW, I'M A BIG BABY. Shut it.

I don't have a laptop, so I probably won't be able to let you know what's going on unless you follow me on Twitter.

Of course, I'm not smart enough to set it up so that I can twitter by phone, but I CAN use utterz.com & leave a voice-tweet.

Hold me. I'm frightened.

A Summer Affair - Hubba Hubba!

Hooray! It's been awhile since I've been able to do a book review for MotherTalk, so I was happy to be included on this tour.

Since the title sort of gives it away, I don't think it's a spoiler when I tell you that A Summer Affair by NY Times bestselling author Elin Hilderbrand is about exactly that very thing.

I'm actually of two minds about this book - and keep in mind this is ALL ABOUT MY PERSONAL TASTES. 'Kay?

Claire is really the central figure - a professional & renown glassblower who's sort of given up her career for her family - she didn't want to miss anything in her kids' growing up years. Her husband is successful (but sort of a jerk - like the boys in high school used to act), they have a relatively happy and secure family unit. Claire's best friend is married to her (Claire's, that is) brother-in-law, they have a nice life on Nantucket Island.

There is drama. There is romance. There is hot steamy sex (on tables, even!). There is -you guessed it - a summer affair.
Yeah, baby.

A Summer Affair is well written and engaging... I won't say I couldn't put it down -- but it was definitely entertaining.

The problem I had was that to me, none of the characters were really very likeable. What I mean is that Claire seemed weak and easily swayed, and in my eyes she seemed to be portrayed as a ...victim. Or martyr, maybe. You know, giving up the successful & lucrative career to be with the kids, being unappreciated, boo hoo.
I guess she is a little like me: I tend to feel guilty over things all the time, whether the things were really my fault or not, like Claire's guilt over not doing ENOUGH to keep a friend from driving drunk resulted in an accident - for which Claire feels responsible.

And her best friend? DID.NOT.LIKE. She was a judgmental hypocrite & something of a control freak, I think.

The husband? Every guy I dated in college.

If those were the impressions that I was meant to get - then the author was completely successful in portraying her characters! I guess I just prefer a stronger central figure. JUST MY TASTE, OKAY?
I know that many people will strongly identify with the characters - it's a real-life situation with some real-life issues and problems.



And just because I didn't find the characters likeable doesn't mean that I didn't like the book.
It's PERFECT for a day at the beach.

Wanna know who has the affair? If they fall in love, run away and live happily ever after? Or not?
Go get your own copy, because everyone knows that I'll lend you my toothbrush, my kids, even my underpants...but never my books.

Leavin' on a jet plane

Oh. Em. Gee.

It's Sunday. I leave for BlogHer on THURSDAY. THURSDAY! I haven't got anything accomplished yet - except for a sassy new haircut (and an eyebrow wax - second one EVER - but we won't talk about that. Except BEAUTY TIP: Do NOT get your waxing done at SuperCuts. Is all I'm saying).

I've been feeling pretty nervous about the whole shebang, then I read THIS from Mamacita awhile ago and now I'm terrified.
Everything she said is exactly what I thought.

Did I mention that I'm lucky enough to room with Mamacita? And I was totally counting on her to talk me down off the ledge...

Plus also I know that a three or four of the "popular" Okie girls (okay, they don't follow me on twitter nor read my blog - I'm SO not the cool one) are going to be at BlogHer speaking on panels as well...and they intimidate me.
What if I see one of them in the airport? What if they pretend not to notice me?

More importantly... what if I recognize everyone and when I go try to speak to them, I get a bunch of blank looks?
What if NO ONE KNOWS ME?
I'm frightened.
Hold me.

If you want, you can all send me your flight itineraries - maybe some of you are ALSO connecting in Denver. Failing that, I just want to say one more thing:

If you are at an airport (or ANYWHERE ELSE, for that matter) and you see a woman looking utterly lost, dazed, terrified, and WEARING THIS SHIRT, come and give me a hug, won't you? Pretend like you know me.

---

and now for something completely different...

Guess what? My podcast finally broke into the Top 500 on podomatic.com, THANKS TO YOU! Check it out!

Also, the PODCAST of Friday Night Live featuring special guests (Podcast Beefcake)Tee Morris and Sex-Kitten/Librarian Philippa Ballantine is up and ready for your consumption!

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Going Green with the Pearly Whites!

I just have to say that I LOVE it when Mom Central gives me practical, needful things to try!
PLUS I get to save the environment. Because, you know, that's what we superheroes do nowadays.
Crap. I've just given away my secret identity.

So I got to check out this cool deal from Recycline Preserve in the form of - RECYCLED (and recyclable!!!) toothbrushes.

I was glad to be included on this blog tour because EVERYONE needs toothbrushes - and let me just say that some people I know need to develop more than a nodding acquaintance with one, because EW - and these are made from recycled yogurt cups.
Totally worth setting aside the spin brush - these toothbrushes have BACK-curved handles which were actually easier to use on the back teeth than those 45º front-angled ones.

Here's the best part: when you're done, send the toothbrush in its box (hahahaha! I just typoed "bocks" right there!) back to Preserve.
Your plaque-y, disgusting toothbrush gets recycled into plastic lumber for picnic tables and the like.

Important stuff to know: Target stores carry the Recycline Preserve toothbrushes for only $2.04. And if you go to the Preserve website you can print COUPONS as well as the mailing labels you'll need to send in your brush when you're done.


So my teeth are clean and sparkly AND I'm helping to use fewer natural resources.
And DON'T LET THE WATER RUN while you're brushing.
Is all I'm saying.

(OH and PS: Recycline Preserve has OTHER STUFF TOO, like razors, flavored toothpicks, even kitchenware and plates & cutlery!)

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Let's all take a moment to remember what this day means to each of us.

---

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

Tonight we present: HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME!

Having a 4th of July party? I'll play you some music that'll heat things up. Hook up the BIG speakers to your computer and...

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Get it while I'm hot!

Time to get your groove on.

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

Tonight we present: EMO-PALOOZA!
That's right -- put on your black clothes, grab a razor, and feel the angst.

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Hey, the cool other people do it.

Always leave 'em laughing

R.I.P., George Carlin.

I'll always remember the 7 dirty words.
And that my shit is stuff, and your stuff is shit.

I'll miss you, funny man.

It's Miller MONTY TIME!

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

With a very special co-ho, Jack from Wander Radio!

Time to tune it in and TURN IT UP: EMPIRE RADIO (or click Listen Here)

The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Hey, the cool people do it.

Family Ties

ME: "I think she's trying to hook up with as many people as possible."
MOM: "Hook up, like in the biblical sense?"

---

**This portion of the post has been redacted on account of my sister throwing a fit about it. So I'll correct any misapprehension:
My sister is the most beautiful person ever. She is generous and loving and always cares about everyone else first. She is so kind that she would never even swat a fly or squash an ant.
Except for the little comment tantrum.
There. Although she did call me a big fat liar, so...

---

When a family member misprounounces a word, do you make fun of them so much about it that the mispronunciation becomes the WAY YOU SAY the word?

Like in my family, we say "kraut'ns" instead of "croutons". And "fatty-guys" for "fatigues". And "Cowsy-wowsy" for "Quasimodo" (yeah, thank my brother for that one).
TELL ME YOURS. Or are we the only stupid family?

---

My dad likes to make shit up. I mean, like this totally bogus BS and of course then we all make fun of him behind his back.
I'm pretty sure he knows.

It probably isn't as funny to anyone else, but we still laugh ourselves breathless over it.

Like one summer my dad was using muffin tins to make ice cubes...and he kept breaking glasses.
He said the glass was weak because they were old and had been washed in hot water so many times.... he didn't seem to think that trying to stuff muffin-sized ice cubes into the glass had ANYTHING to do with it.
So now whenever someone breaks a glass, we say that it must have been washed in hot water too many times.

And the time he was outside using the water hose to spray down the brick on the corner of their house (the corner which was my sister's bedroom at the time).
He said that wetting the brick would help keep my sister's room cooler.

The rest of us decided that perhaps she (sister) should run and turn off the ceiling fan in her room before icicles started forming on the ceiling.

Now, whenever we walk into a cool room in the summer, someone always says that Dad must've been outside watering the brick.

Oh, there is so much, much more.

---

Shit, I just realized that my family is totally insane.

---

I have PMS.

---

Do you think I can manage to lose 25lbs before BlogHer, short of liposuction?

---

So. How's your week been so far?
Entertain me. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENTERTAIN ME.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Sphincter Clenching Fear

So you may have already heard that !!

As over-the-moon excited as I am about going, I'm filled almost equally with ever-mounting anxiety.
I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought What the hell have I gotten myself into?

It will be fine. I know it will. I'm SURE of it.

But see, the panel on which I'm sitting is about introversion, blogging, and blogher.
There's a reason that I'm on that panel.

I'm shy.

I've TOLD you that before. Whenever I do one of those "Tell Me X Things About Yourself" memes, I tell you I'm shy. You never believe me.
But it's the solid truth.
Meeting new people?? UH UH. Not good.
I can do it - I was a hotel GM and I had to do grand openings and sales blitzes and introduce myself and be chatty and personable and OH EM GEE I CAN'T HANDLE IT...but I do - although it's a struggle.

The most frightening thing about BlogHer, I think, is going to be meeting you guys.
I KNOW, I know, that's what I WANT to do.
But see, here's the thing: it's not often that you meet new people who ALREADY KNOW YOUR INSIDES.

See?
You people already know most of my deepest fears, my failings and failures, my most embarrassing moments, my meanest thoughts, my worst actions.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
And have offered your opinions on them.
How could I possibly expect you to take me seriously, in the flesh?
You will all know FAR more about me than 3 days acquaintance would normally allow.

How am I supposed to look you in the face when you know how angry and resentful I've been? When I've confessed that I made a lesbian joke at my great-grandma's funeral?

How can I meet your eyes when I have told you I BURNT OUT THE MOTOR IN MY VIBRATOR?

I feel a little sick just now. Woozy, even.

I mean, it's not like meeting someone in person at like...a three day retreat and walking up and saying "Hi. I'm a single mom and my son's really, really disabled and sometimes I hate my life and sometimes I think other people should really not complain about all the wonderful things they have and sometimes I can't imagine making it through the day, let alone the next week, and sometimes I say things and people laugh and that's good, especially when I wasn't even trying to be funny and OH YEAH, I'm really poor and make lousy money but I love my job, and I worry about things all the time and I worry about people all the time and I'm fat and self-conscious and I really love to voice my opinions but only online where I don't have to see people and I do this radio show which is fun but again, I don't have to see anyone and my car is a piece of shit and......."

You guys already know that and SO.MUCH.MORE.

In here, buried in the internets, I can say just what I want, whenever I want, with few repercussions. The worst that could possibly happen is that someone could unfollow me on twitter, or UNblogroll me, or I could get the occasional troll or heated email.
Plus also? Here, if I tell a joke and it falls flat I don't have to see you trying not to roll your eyes. If I say something without thinking (OH DEAR GOD EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE), I don't have to watch your nose crinkle in distaste or a sneer curl the corner of your mouth. I don't have to read your body language to see that I may have crossed a line or gone too far or made you uncomfortable.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to unclench until I'm safely back home again...or unless you guys can get me really, really drunk.

Why I don't read so many blogs anymore

I hope nobody takes it personally (although I know you will), because these are completely MY issues & shouldn't take anything away from you.

---

Why I may have stopped reading your blog:

1. I didn't stop reading it at all, I just use a feed reader & don't have time to comment very often - but I still love to read it!

2. Your "voice" has changed and I no longer feel like I have anything in common with you.

3. You have three or more posts whining about how nobody loves you anymore (because you got only 20 comments for a couple of days instead of the usual 40 or so).

4. You choose to curry favor with the "popular" bloggers.

5. You refer to yourself as a "popular" blogger or "blogebrity" or any of those other ridiculous terms.

6. You no longer entertain me.

7. I'm sorry, WHEN did I last see a comment from YOU or even your IP address in my stats?

8. Maybe I just found out about the "real" you, and I don't like you anymore because you're a total fake and possibly even a liar.

9. You regurgitate the same three posts over and over again, just changing the wording.

10. You've had 37 "epiphanies" or "self-realizations" over the last two or three years, but you've yet to do a single thing about ANY of them - although you keep saying that you're going to. YAWN.

11. Your blog is filled with videos and no real content. Plus also, all those videos take way too long to load and I have a short attention span.

---

I'm sure some people will choose to misunderstand - but I'll say it again anyway: there's nothing WRONG with any of those things on the list. I'm not trying to tell you how to use your blog. Whatever works for you is what you should absolutely do.
These are my issues only - don't try to make it all about you. This time, it's about me.

---

...because bad should always be balanced by good...

A Short Round-Up
(randomly selected by the tried and true "close your eyes and point" method)

A Top 10 list of "Daddages" can be found over at Golfwidow's place. Winston writes a naked haiku. WOO!

DeeJay shares a list of highlights from her SAHM years - I strongly suggest you look through the posts and check out her beautiful baby granddaughter as well. Brian writes a beautiful tribute with his usual eloquence (and also, yesterday was his birthday, so stop by & give him some love!).

Trollbaby talks about putting frogs on fishhooks and shooting tin cans. I think you better not get on her wrong side. :) Hilly seems to be feeling partly cloudy today.

My grandpa liked buttermilk with cornbread in it, just like Miss Anne - and like me, she likes the idea of sensory deprivation. My soulmate Mike Doe is hanging out with big-bosomed model-types (as usual) whilst taking a bite out of the Big Apple.

Neil goes back to his roots and discovers that people really ARE crazy there. PS You should visit him often - he's one of my favorite storytellers. And last but not least, my pal DawnieMom created this site, which is absolutely perfect for getting things off your chest when you don't want anyone to know it's YOU.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

What's good for the gander is good for a the goose.

I'll tell all you fellas the same thing I told the gals on Mommy's Day...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Keep up the good work.

And PS Kathy Griffin started the whole SUCK IT thing a long time ago.

I removed my earlier post because after visiting some blogs I realized that eerily, my post could be taken in the completely wrong context by people I'd never knowingly hurt.

Probably I'll put it back up at a time when several people won't think "BITCH IS TALKING ABOUT ME!", because most likely I wasn't. Or at least, not entirely.

I'm known for my excellent ill timing, of course.

And PS If you people would JUST TELL ME EVERYTHING, that wouldn't happen. Quite so often, anyway.

---

I would just like to remind everyone (including myself) that just because you read a post (here, there, or anywhere) that tweaks your (or my) conscience, it doesn't necessarily mean that the author had you (or me) in mind when it was written.

---

I've deleted several emails before I could send them, several tweets before I could post them, several posts before I could publish them.

Apparently I'm having a love affair with Delete today.
That never happens to me.

---

Sometimes there is more than one villain in a story.
We'd do well to remember the innocents.

---

"Make no promises when seized by joy; write no letters when seized by anger.” -Chinese Proverb

Which is why Delete and I just became such good friends.

---

We all have opinions on damn near everything; that's the beauty of blogging.
Sometimes, however, discretion is the better part of valor.
And sometimes offering my opinions is due more to a selfish need to be heard rather than any constructive reason.

Because as much as I'd like to believe otherwise, it's really NOT all about me.
Although it damn well should be.
Is all I'm saying.

---

Sometimes minding my own business is underrated.

---

Sometimes being able to vent my spleen confidentially to good friends -rather than here- makes all the difference in the world.
It becalms my mind, eases my heart, and refreshes my soul.

Plus also lets me think about things from different perspectives - and more rationally than I may have done on my own.

So, you know, thanks for that. <3

---

Condescension, patronization, attempting to make others feel small or ashamed and always having to get the last word in are very, very unattractive qualities in a person.
Hence some of my twitter unfollows.

---

Seriously, I'm an attention whore, but there are those who make me look like a rank amateur.
Hence even more of my twitter unfollows.

---

and now for the bad news...

Sorry, there will be no Friday Night Live Show tonight.

Feel free to weep, wail, keen, gnash your teeth, tear at your hair and tell me how much you will miss me.

I have to meet The Sperm Donor at the buttcrack of dawn in Ardmore, which is two hours from my house and about halfway between our respective homes.
So I've got a ton of shit still to accomplish, and I've got to get to bed at a decent hour.

With gas prices so high, it'll cost about the same if I stay in a cheap motel rather than driving back & forth, so I'll have no internet this weekend.

Which sucks for me, but may be a ray of sunshine in the dark for YOU.

---

Make sure you tune in to Friday Night Live next week, because I'll have a special co-host!'

---

OH and PS: If any of you are going to be around Ardmore this weekend, holla. Let's have a drink.
And also - since I will have no internet, please text and/or call so that I will be entertained. Kthx.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Because if you don't listen, you might be a douchebag.

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

It's PETTY-PALOOZA!!

Tom Petty, that is. And maybe some Heartbreakers.

Time to tune it in and TURN IT UP: EMPIRE RADIO (or click Listen Here)

The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Hey, some of the other reasonably cool kids are doin' it.

Just one more little thing...

Oh HAI! And GUESS WHAT?



Yeah, baby.

Sometimes...all I need is the air that I breathe...

Summer is upon us, grass is growing, trees and flowers are blooming...mold and pollen counts are UP.

You know, I never had problems with allergies until I had kids. I never had problems with my teeth and never even had a coldsore until I was pregnant.
Kids just suck the life out of you. :)

Wait. That's a-whole-nother post.
Anyway, allergies.
My son's are TERRIBLE. He's allergic to so many things - his dairy allergy is so severe that if even kiss him right after I've eaten ice cream it makes his skin break out in welts.

ALL times of the year are hard on him, the tree & grass & pollen and mold counts cause him endless stuffy/runny noses, achy heads, coughs. We can't have an indoor pet. There is no smoking allowed in my house.

But my house is VERY old and of course lots of dust and allergens from the outside filter in around the cracks of the windows and doors. It's a BITCH to keep these hardwood floors clean, I can tell you.

So, thanks to Mom Central, I got to check out the website for American Standar Air's AccuClean Air Filtration System.
It's got a nifty feature where you put in your zip code and it'll help you choose a system that's typical - and works best- for your area. You can choose the heating/cooling system that you already have, whether it's electric or gas, and American Standard Air will show you your best options.

Apparently it's an air filtration system of components that works best with your heating & cooling system to filter out an amazing 99.98% of unwanted particles & allergens from your filtered air, throughout your entire home.

And if you've got kids like mine who suffer from poor health due to prematurity, who are susceptible to SO many illnesses, you might be interested to know that a Harvard-led study recently proved that American Standard AccuClean™ removes over 99% of the common flu from the filtered air in your home.

Unfortunately I don't actually get to try it out (damn shame, it is), I suggest that you check out the site yourself, especially if you're thinking of replacing or upgrading your current heating/cooling system.

I would.
And you know that right in the middle of summer, on the hottest day of the year, is when your a/c unit is going to go all wonky - so at least take a look now so you'll be prepared.

oooh, VACATION ISLAND!

Okay, most of you know I'm a geek. In OH SO MANY WAYS. I love to play video games - I still have a Super NES. Super Mario World is STILL one of my favorite games. And Resident Evil on the Playstation? Well, I can't play it late at night when I'm up by myself because it creeps me, but I love it.
And online, I am only a little ashamed to admit that I play Neopets AND Marapets.
I KNOW. STOP IT.

So for Christmas, my daughter got a Nintendo DS.
I.LOVE.THIS.GAME.SYSTEM.

Plus I love to play the Pokemon games. Shut up.

I'm glad we she got the thing, because we got to review a game: GoPets: Vacation Island.

Overall? My daughter and I both liked it, it was fun. I like games where you have to unlock areas to explore, there are games to play & earn shells ($$), and adopt pets and dress 'em up.
You also start with a little "bungalow" that you can decorate with rugs and chairs and a fishbowl and curtains & other cute little things.
You can 'pet' your pets - and other people's pets too (and bathe them, and feed them)! You can communicate with other 'islanders' by Iku - which consists of little symbol cards with which you can make little haiku type messages.

What I DIDN'T like is that when you make "buddies" out of the villagers, you get INUNDATED with Iku messages. I mean like spam-in-your-email inundated. And if you try to answer all of them (just to be polite, for goodness sake!) some of your 'buddies' get mad and send you nasty Ikus. Like "NO MORE MESSAGE ! !"
Sort of rude. I didn't care for that part.


A couple things...
Maybe because I'm a grownup I struggled a little more with it than my daughter did, at first. I mean I had to actually READ all the instruction booklet to make sense of some things - to figure them out. And the Iku thing. And also? In the game area (OH, some of the games are REALLY FUN, like making food!!), one of the games has a big red "X" on it and we've yet to figure out if that even CAN be unlocked as a single player game.

BUT.
We haven't tried this feature yet, but you can do the multi-player thing if you've got wi-fi! Hook up and make new online friends, play with more pets, earn more shells, buy more stuff!
I likee.
Unfortunately, I don't have wi-fi so... we're hoping to try that out eventually. I'll let you know how it goes.

If your kid (or YOU) likes to play the pet games, like Dogz or Catz or Webkinz or one of those other Z things, I think you'd have fun with this game. It would be better if there was more stuff to do on the single-player game, though.
Still, I'd buy it.

Now, I have to go trump up some reason to ground my daughter from the DS so I can play.

---

---

OH and PS:
If you missed last night's FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE, feel free (and encouraged!) to go get the podcast.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Because you BETTER NOT FORGET.

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

It's BILLY-PALOOZA!!

We'll be playing Billy all night long, baby.
Which Billy? I guess you'd better tune in to find out.

Time to tune it in and TURN IT UP: EMPIRE RADIO (or click Listen Here)

The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Hey, some of the other reasonably cool kids are doin' it.

I'M NOT DEAD! I'm feeling better! I don't want to go on the cart!

Two imaginary bonus points if you get the title reference.

---

Wow, it is all dusty and neglected in here! I have no particular reason, except for the normal things like "I NEED MORE TIME!" and "I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO YOU!".

Poor little blog.
I think I've given it an inferiority complex or something.

I DO have things to say, but I didn't want to just fill the space with the same old shit regurgitated in different words. BOOOOOORING!

Okay, it may ALWAYS be a little boring, but at least it'll be boring on a different topic.

---

Although I love twitter.com, the amount of social climbing, "star" fucking, brown-nosing, and fakery makes me almost physically ill.
Especially when you find out that people you really thought were sweet and caring and...relatively well-adjusted are really NOT LIKE THAT in real life.
In real life they are rude and thoughtless, selfish and uppity. AND LIARS.
And old enough to know better.
SHAME on you. SHAME.

---

I got an email from someone who said I was "scarily intimidating".
I don't see it.
Am I?
I don't even know what that MEANS.

Apparently (according to the same individual), the person worries that they can't live up to my expectations of them, my expectations of people in general.
WHAT?
What do you know of my expectations?
I expect people to be decent human beings, is all. Is that so hard?
I say what's on my mind. If I'm wrong, so be it.
I don't expect my friends to always agree with me, nor I with them. It's okay to have your own personal opinion and not be a "yes-person".

Just because I have low tolerance for constant whining or being a quitter or your little clique of holier-than-thou pals or the people who think they're the intellectual elite doesn't mean that you're wrong and I'm right although I probably am, it just means I don't like those behaviors or the people who embody them.
If you don't mind, then more power to you! Doesn't mean I can't like YOU.

So give me a fuckin' break, okay? Srsly.

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and now for something completely different...

Get your GUILTY PLEASURE-PALOOZA podcast now!

I was 'outing' people left and right, playing the songs that they're embarrassed for people to know they listen to.

AND I NAMED NAMES.

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Hey, guess what? I got nominated for a Best Of Blogs award, in the BEST PODCAST category!

Could I have your vote, please? There might possibly be wild monkey* sex involved!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

And PS You can vote EVERY SINGLE DAY. Is all I'm saying.

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*this may mean sex with wild monkeys, unless none can be caught, in which case there might be a secret, stealthy trip to the zoo.

The scoop.

If you listened to last week's show, you may have noticed that right at the end of the show all my music disappeared from my winamp library.

As of yet, I haven't figured out how to get it back.
I tried to drag it back in like I usually do when adding new music, but it was only adding ONE song at a time & opening it up in Quicktime.

WEIRD!

I have no idea what to do.

ANYWAY.

Hopefully some of my hot geek friends will help me get it back on track...but unfortunately this means there will be

NO FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE TONIGHT

:( Boohoo.

Every day is Mother's Day. Or it should be.

"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers." - Jewish Proverb

I don't know how to write flowery, prose-y things without sounding like an insincere asshole. So I'll just say...

Happy Mother's Day.
Y'all keep up the good work.

Great Expectations. And some other crap.

I love to read. Read read read read. I don't have many requirements of a book, except that it entertain me in one way or another. And as silly as it sounds, it can't be too wordy.
You know?
Like Danielle Steele's paragraph-long sentences with fourteen commas.
And Anne Rice. Did you know it took me six years to finish "The Witching Hour"? YAWN-FEST. I thought it was going to be my downfall; become the only book I started but didn't finish.
BUT I DID IT.
Then I made the mistake of trying to read "The Hunt For Red October", which, with all the technical stuff and choppy scenes, has been half-finished for about three years now. But I refuse to give up.

ANYWAY.

One thing I really hate is a badly edited book. Typos, misspellings, grammatical errors, poorly constructed sentences...they distract my eye from the story as my mind tries to arrange them in proper form.
Really, really, really hate that.
I expect better.

Strangely, however, most of those things don't bother me in the least when it comes to blog reading...or writing.
I'm way guilty of all that stuff, and I don't proofread because if it looked right the first time, chances are I'll miss it the second.

But if one of you guys publishes a book, make sure your copyeditor does a good job.
And yes, I get the irony.

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I'm thinking of homeschooling my daughter next year. Well, actually, my mom would do it.
She's a terrible student. Oh, I know, she's not the only one...but I also dislike her school.
If you've listened to my radio show or the podcast, you're aware of the current situation with the Band Candy and the trip to Six Flags Over Texas (the conclusion of which will be vented tomorrow, live on the show).
Dealing with the teachers, two principals, and a member of the schoolboard lodged the seed of discontent even deeper in my heart.
But my daughter is still not a good student, either way. She doesn't turn in her work. She doesn't do her stupid bellwork. She doesn't, despite the fact that she's grounded and yelled at, remember to take two seconds to put the homework in a folder that is specifically labeled for that purpose. She doesn't remember to write in her agenda, on which she is graded.
She does, however, get her nightly reading done. But then she doesn't write THAT in her agenda and have me sign it, so that she can receive a grade.
I know some of it is typical...but I also know that when she was born, the bleeding in her head caused some slight damage.
It's hard, if not impossible, to separate which might be the result of birth and which might be the result of teenageritis.

Oh, I can continue to sit with her as we go through her backpack, and she can continue to quail from the look I know appears on my face when she tells me - yet again- "I forgot".
I tried to abdicate and let her wing it.
Unfortunately I don't have that thing in me that other people have, that allows them to accomplish that.
She's a good kid. A thoughtful, sweet kid. A truthful kid. A smart kid. And in so many other ways, very responsible. She's well liked by her teachers and principals.
But the stress level isn't good for my heart OR for hers, which is already oversized.

So. Homeschool. Maybe for a couple-three years.

I need help. I know a lot of you are homeschooling moms...I could REALLY REALLY use some advice.

I have absolutely no idea whether or not I'm doing the right thing.

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and now for something completely different...

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MY SISTER: "What does 'refute' mean?"
ME: "Repudiate."

I laughed. She didn't.

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If I ever predict your death, you can trust that it'll be completely accurate...because obviously I plan to kill you.

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DO.NOT.MISS my show tomorrow night!
It's YOU BE THE STAR OF MY SHOW PART II!!
There's still time for you to record your song and email it to me.

And as an added bonus...
MR. FABULOUS co-hosts!!

A delicious review...and some other stuff

One of the things I like about Mom Central is the opportunity to review cool stuff.
Well, some things are cooler than others, but hey - FREE GOODS. Right?

This time was a total score.

You know I love my coffee. I also love to try energy drinks - especially when I'm gearing up for the Blogathon and 24 hours of straight blogging. I tried a lot of coffee the first year & MAN it tore up my stomach. I had acid reflux almost until the next blogathon.

Last year I tried a variety of energy drinks, and I have to say that: TAB ENERGY DRINK tastes like a can off ass juice.
Also the Monster drink with the red writing, and some weird off-brand I bought for 89 cents at Walgreen's.
THE.SUCK.

So Mom Central asked if I'd like to try an energy drink made by Ocean Spray, and since I like their Cran-Grape, I was all for it.

What I got was a couple bottles of Cranergy, in Cranberry Lift and Raspberry Cranberry Lift.

First of all? YUM
Second of all? It didn't give me a huge rush, it didn't give me the jitters, and it didn't make me clench my jaws--which is what I do when I'm all jazzed up on caffeine and/or energy drinks.

What I liked about Cranergy (besides the delicious flavor) was that it did give me a gentle boost and sort of...unfuzzed my tired brain. I felt more alert and awake.
The first bottle I drank in the morning-time in lieu of coffee; I KNOW, right? But it seemed to do the trick, and I didn't even have to wait for it to brew.
The second bottle I tried the next day in the late afternoon (around 4pm I usually start fading & need a lift), and it boosted me nicely so that I didn't yawn my way through dinner. Also? Did NOT make it hard for me to sleep that night.

It's got green tea extract, antioxidents, the all-important B vitamins and - here's the good part if you're a calorie counter - 50% fewer calories compared to other energy drinks and sodas.
Since I'm in the midst of dieting right now (BLAH!), that was a bonus.

So try some Cranergy. It does not taste like ass-juice, and is WAY tastier than Red Bull.
Is all I'm saying.

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in case you missed it live...

You can get the podcast!

FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE - YOU ARE THE STAR OF MY SHOW!

It's one you don't want to miss - some of my friends from twitter.com sang some songs! They were awesome. I also had a fantastic and very funny co-ho, PseudoJoe.
It wants to be heard. It NEEDS to be heard.

This coming Friday will be YOU ARE THE STAR PART II.

Record me a song (with YOU singing, naturally), email it, and I'll play it for tens of people! Woo!
Hurry up though, I won't wait forever.

**BONUS! This week's guest co-ho is none other than Mr. Fabulous himself!
You'll really, really want to be there.

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

It's the YOU BE THE STAR show!!

That's right, we've got some excellent singers I found in my twitter.com stream

(PART II next week - won't you sing me a song? Be the star of Friday Night Live!)

Time to tune it in and TURN IT UP: EMPIRE RADIO

The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Hey, everyone else is doin' it.