B.O.B. Helps Those Who Help Themselves... ifyouknowwhatImean

Sex is natural! Sex is FUN! ~George Michael (a little mood music?)

So, you know, I don't talk about sex & stuff all THAT often around here... I mean HEY I like sex as much as the next girl (unless the next girl is like, Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson, in which case I have to say that I do not love sex QUITE that much), but unless I gots a little some'm some'm going on in my life there's really not much to say.

But I have this friend.
NO REALLY.

A friend who is NOT ME.
Unfortunately I can't use her name because her lawyers served me with a Cease & Desist order when I simply tried browbeating and threatening her asked her to sign the release form.

For the purposes of this post, we'll call her Kate.

ANYWAY.

Kate and I and some other girls were chatting, and as all males of the species know OF COURSE when women get together we discuss sex, men, and kids only.
Well it comes about that our friend Kate has never had a date with B.O.B. (that's Battery Operated Boyfriend, for the two of you who didn't know that).
I KNOW, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

Naturally I use any opportunity to plug (hahahaha! I said "plug"!)(not THAT kind of plug, pervy mcperverson)(because EW) my favorite place to shop for that sort of thing, EdenFantasys. (FYI: If you're shy about going into an "adult toy store", then DEFINITELY visit EdenFantasys.Com)

EVERY woman should have at least one B.O.B -- many of us have more than one because... well, sometimes you want to be treated like a princess and sometimes you want to be a ho workin' girl.

Kate does not even have a basic "Silver (or in this case, PINK) Bullet", which is a must for amateurs.

I was just ASTONISHED to learn that there are more of you pathetic uptight repressed sad B.O.B-less people than I thought.

So I got together with my friends from EdenFantasys and we decided to help you out a little.

WE ARE HAVING A CONTEST! A CONTEST I SAY! WITH PRIZES!

THE PRIZE: A $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE from EdenFantasys.Com, which you could use toward the purchase of a supasexy B.O.B. like Kissa**.
Body safe! Waterproof! Environmentally sound! (Going GREEN with PINK?)
**For the more advanced "dater", perhaps, NOT KATES.

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HERE'S THE WHAT:
YOUR PART: Email me (redneckmama1ATgmailDOTcom) the stories of your BIGGEST SEX DISASTER by MIDNIGHT CENTRAL TIME on SUNDAY MARCH 7th.

Did you fart during sex? Did your vagina ever eat a condom (or was that just me?)? Fall off the bed and get severely injured? Get caught? Get SOMETHING caught in a zipper or button?
TELL US EVERYTHING.

MY PART: I will post your stories here each day, where they will be reviewed by an expert panel of judges: Finn from A Life Less Ordinary, Secondhand Karl, and possibly one other judge.
If anyone knows about sex, it's these former prostitutes people.
They will ultimately choose the winner and runner-up.

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P.S.
DEAR KATE: Just in case, here are a couple of guides to help you find your perfect B.O.B.(s). Remember, B.O.B. is there for YOU. Also B.O.B. will never leave whiskers in the sink, skidmarks in his boxers, or expect you to cook dinner and/or breakfast.
Here's a BEGINNER'S GUIDE for you and when you're ready, you can check out The VROOM.

YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

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Disclaimer #1: Contest is sponsored (transparently!) by EdenFantasys.Com Adult Sex Toy Store, although I would have written the post with or without them. MANY, MANY, MANY THANKS for sponsoring the contest and providing the prize, EdenFantasys.com!

Disclaimer #2: Mostly I wanted to have the contest for my own amusement because I like hearing your embarrassing stories and later I will make fun of you behind your back.

Disclaimer #3: We do not discriminate against sex. We hope you're FOR and not against, but whatever. OH YEAH also I mean boys can enter the contest too.

Getting my pimp on.

First things first...
Would you LOOKA THAT? VOTE FOR ME when the voting opens. There may be a little som'm som'm in it for you.
You KNOW I'm a slut.

Come on, wouldn't you like a calendar with my picture on it? Maybe I'll get lucky & can be Ms. February and I'll wear strategically placed candy hearts.
IT COULD HAPPEN.

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And also...
Don't forget to check out Mike's Place! Because he likes me better than you, I GET MY VERY OWN PAGE. Take a peep.

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Last but not least...
TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific (okay OKAY, 8pm Mountain time)

Tonight we present: Call In Your Dedication with Delilah!
Okay, it's not really Delilah. It's me. But I'm ever so much cooler and stuff.

You'll have to add me to your skype: aka.monty

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

That is all.
Have a day.

A Summer Affair - Hubba Hubba!

Hooray! It's been awhile since I've been able to do a book review for MotherTalk, so I was happy to be included on this tour.

Since the title sort of gives it away, I don't think it's a spoiler when I tell you that A Summer Affair by NY Times bestselling author Elin Hilderbrand is about exactly that very thing.

I'm actually of two minds about this book - and keep in mind this is ALL ABOUT MY PERSONAL TASTES. 'Kay?

Claire is really the central figure - a professional & renown glassblower who's sort of given up her career for her family - she didn't want to miss anything in her kids' growing up years. Her husband is successful (but sort of a jerk - like the boys in high school used to act), they have a relatively happy and secure family unit. Claire's best friend is married to her (Claire's, that is) brother-in-law, they have a nice life on Nantucket Island.

There is drama. There is romance. There is hot steamy sex (on tables, even!). There is -you guessed it - a summer affair.
Yeah, baby.

A Summer Affair is well written and engaging... I won't say I couldn't put it down -- but it was definitely entertaining.

The problem I had was that to me, none of the characters were really very likeable. What I mean is that Claire seemed weak and easily swayed, and in my eyes she seemed to be portrayed as a ...victim. Or martyr, maybe. You know, giving up the successful & lucrative career to be with the kids, being unappreciated, boo hoo.
I guess she is a little like me: I tend to feel guilty over things all the time, whether the things were really my fault or not, like Claire's guilt over not doing ENOUGH to keep a friend from driving drunk resulted in an accident - for which Claire feels responsible.

And her best friend? DID.NOT.LIKE. She was a judgmental hypocrite & something of a control freak, I think.

The husband? Every guy I dated in college.

If those were the impressions that I was meant to get - then the author was completely successful in portraying her characters! I guess I just prefer a stronger central figure. JUST MY TASTE, OKAY?
I know that many people will strongly identify with the characters - it's a real-life situation with some real-life issues and problems.



And just because I didn't find the characters likeable doesn't mean that I didn't like the book.
It's PERFECT for a day at the beach.

Wanna know who has the affair? If they fall in love, run away and live happily ever after? Or not?
Go get your own copy, because everyone knows that I'll lend you my toothbrush, my kids, even my underpants...but never my books.

Why I don't read so many blogs anymore

I hope nobody takes it personally (although I know you will), because these are completely MY issues & shouldn't take anything away from you.

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Why I may have stopped reading your blog:

1. I didn't stop reading it at all, I just use a feed reader & don't have time to comment very often - but I still love to read it!

2. Your "voice" has changed and I no longer feel like I have anything in common with you.

3. You have three or more posts whining about how nobody loves you anymore (because you got only 20 comments for a couple of days instead of the usual 40 or so).

4. You choose to curry favor with the "popular" bloggers.

5. You refer to yourself as a "popular" blogger or "blogebrity" or any of those other ridiculous terms.

6. You no longer entertain me.

7. I'm sorry, WHEN did I last see a comment from YOU or even your IP address in my stats?

8. Maybe I just found out about the "real" you, and I don't like you anymore because you're a total fake and possibly even a liar.

9. You regurgitate the same three posts over and over again, just changing the wording.

10. You've had 37 "epiphanies" or "self-realizations" over the last two or three years, but you've yet to do a single thing about ANY of them - although you keep saying that you're going to. YAWN.

11. Your blog is filled with videos and no real content. Plus also, all those videos take way too long to load and I have a short attention span.

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I'm sure some people will choose to misunderstand - but I'll say it again anyway: there's nothing WRONG with any of those things on the list. I'm not trying to tell you how to use your blog. Whatever works for you is what you should absolutely do.
These are my issues only - don't try to make it all about you. This time, it's about me.

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...because bad should always be balanced by good...

A Short Round-Up
(randomly selected by the tried and true "close your eyes and point" method)

A Top 10 list of "Daddages" can be found over at Golfwidow's place. Winston writes a naked haiku. WOO!

DeeJay shares a list of highlights from her SAHM years - I strongly suggest you look through the posts and check out her beautiful baby granddaughter as well. Brian writes a beautiful tribute with his usual eloquence (and also, yesterday was his birthday, so stop by & give him some love!).

Trollbaby talks about putting frogs on fishhooks and shooting tin cans. I think you better not get on her wrong side. :) Hilly seems to be feeling partly cloudy today.

My grandpa liked buttermilk with cornbread in it, just like Miss Anne - and like me, she likes the idea of sensory deprivation. My soulmate Mike Doe is hanging out with big-bosomed model-types (as usual) whilst taking a bite out of the Big Apple.

Neil goes back to his roots and discovers that people really ARE crazy there. PS You should visit him often - he's one of my favorite storytellers. And last but not least, my pal DawnieMom created this site, which is absolutely perfect for getting things off your chest when you don't want anyone to know it's YOU.

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That is all.
Have a day.

Two little things

LAST CALL! Better hurry up if you don't want to miss your chance to get in on this hellaciously good deal!

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Missed the show Friday? No sweat, Chet.
It was DOUBLE SUPER SIZE fun--with special guest star Golfwidow followed by an unexpected guest star, Jeckles!

It was so much fun that we just kept going, for FOUR HOURS.

There was music.
There was sex talk.
There may have been an orgy.
There was fun and frolic-y goodness.

You can listen while you play around on the computer all day.

**This particular show is NOT NOT NOT for children or the easily offended. You've been warned.

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That is all.
Have a day.

A mini-pimp and a conversation

Make plans now to tune in
Friday night at 9pm CST (10pm EST, 7pm PST)
for
Friday Night Live with Monty (me)
with special Guest Star
GOLFWIDOW!

Plus the usual unpreparedness and insanity. Good times.

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...with my daughter, the teetotaler:

She: "What are you drinking?"
ME: "What's it to ya? Are you the drink police?"
She: "No! But I was just curious."
ME: "A glass of wine. Is that okay with you, missy?"
She: *siiiiiiigh* "I guess. I just don't really approve of that."

WHERE DID I GO WRONG??

Crappuccino?

I love coffee. I do, even though we've recently been having issues with one another.
However.
I was just now reading about a really rare coffee called Kopi Luwak, which I believe translates to "cat shit" or "poop coffee" (okay, civet shit, but close enough).

Apparently these civets eat the best coffee beans, crap them out whole, and then people gather up the shit, wash off the beans and sell 'em.

Also filed under "jobs I don't ever want to have".

There are some lengths to which even I will not go for a caffeine fix.

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in other news...

Be sure to tune in to my show tomorrow night (FRIDAY!) at 9pm CST (10pm EST) for Friday Night Live on EMPIRE RADIO, as the jet-setting MR FABULOUS brings you the "Hey baby, what's your sign?" horoscope segment!

Tune in. Don't make him cry. It ain't pretty.

Saturday Ad Circular

I haven't plugged the BossLady in quite some time--but with autumn upon us and winter not far behind I thought I'd let you designer mavens know that we've got TONS of BRAND NEW stuff--with tags!--(including deliciously soft cashmere & silk jackets and sweaters) for 70%-75% OFF the retail price.

If you go for vintage clothing, we've got plenty of that as well...some of it will be PERFECT for making your HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!

OH YEAH! And we've got some NEW IN THE BOX gorgeous shoes and buttery soft leather boots--Prada, Marni, Stella McCartney, Steve Madden, Alexander McQueen, & MORE!

AND! BIG $9.99 SALE on a big ol' bunch of stuff--some NEW WITH TAGS!
Come visit our store and buy lots of stuff. Do your Christmas shopping with us!

COCKTAIL DRESSES and FORMAL DRESSES for those holiday parties are being added now!

New stuff added daily!!

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Hey, it's better than google ads, right? Right.

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I love you. Pass it on.

How To Spend A Friday Night

TONIGHT (Friday). 10pm EST (9pm Central).
Friday Night Live with Monty!
Empire Radio.

Two hours of the best mix of music on the 'net, plus Reality TV updates, your horoscope, and...me.

You can listen while you play your geeky RPGs.
You can listen while you surf pr0n.
You can listen while you write your next blog post.
I can be inspiring, you know.

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.
Chat room will be open!

**interested in going on the air for an interview? email me!

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THANK YOU Mr. Fabulous for the big packet of CDs!
THANK YOU Kim for the cool snapfish cards!

(Do you KNOW how much I love getting packages in the mail? Because I do)

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Dear Friend,

Perhaps you should have devoted more time to keeping the (loyal) friends you already had instead of always trying to gather more and more acquaintances in the name of "Popularity".
Is all I'm saying.

Been nice knowin' you.

Sincerely,
Monty

When in doubt, quiz.

but first...

Do you know Mr. Fabulous? The F-Man? if you don't, you should. Mostly I like him because he makes me laugh with his often twisted and dark humor, but it doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm the best DJ ever. (you people know that I'm easy and can be had for a compliment)(and plus I AM the best DJ ever)
Anyway...
Mr. Fab has decided that he really, really wants to win Best Humor Blog in the Blogger's Choice Awards, so I'm fixin' to lend a helping hand. (Notice in my sidebar that I have been nominated for a couple Blogger's Choice Awards, but I don't have very many votes. *sigh*)
Help the F-Man win this category--srsly, dooce isn't really that funny. I'm so over her and I pity those of you who aren't.
Let's help one of the "little people" win (no, he's not a dwarf or midget--at least, not that I'm aware of, I mean one of the commoners) and go cast your vote now!

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You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct. It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

The It's Its There Their They're Quiz

You Are Olive Green

You are the most real of all the green shades. You're always true to yourself. For you, authenticity and honesty are very important... both in others and yourself. You are grounded and secure. It takes a lot to shake you. People see you as dependable, probably the most dependable person they know.

What Color Green Are You?

Great State Fair & Okie Blog Awards

Yes, it's that time of year when our Great State Fair rolls into town...and I need to go on the stroll to check out the carnies--perhaps THIS will BE.MY.YEAR.

Kidding.
But I may be that desperate soon.

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AND!
IT IS TIME FOR THE OKIE BLOGGER AWARDS!

Thanks to the person(s) I've got totally fooled responsible for nominating me--I was pleasantly surprised to see my name pop up a couple of times! I'm honored to be among some of my most favorite people in the world, like Brian, Chaz, Ammie, Melessa, and Steph (just to mention a very few). And BIG THANKS to The Man Behind The Scenes who goes to all the trouble of handling all the pesky details.

IF YOU ARE AN OKLAHOMA BLOGGER, you can vote your little heart out.
No, not necessarily for me; there are many, many better blogs than this that you should check out.
If you're not an Okie Blogger, then it sucks to be you then I would say even though you can't vote, you really should check out my competition.

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Ironically (portentiously?) Beck's Loser just now came up on my playlist and blasted through my headphones.

Pink is the new...pink.

but first...
Tonight. 10pm Eastern. 7pm Pacific. 9pm Okieland.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH MONTY
Empire Radio

Chat room will be open!

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So awhile ago this really groovy dude decided that I deserved this:



Boy oh boy do I have him fooled!

Thank you, F-Man!

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Now, the rules (always the RULES! OY!) say that I should pass this on to seven others. See, this is the part I don't like because there are WAY more than seven of you whom I think are nice. So I used my scientific process to determine the seven--it's totally random, so please don't feel slighted at all if you don't see your name!.
The Process: I have this clay thingy objet d'art that my sister made in high school, and I keep it on my computer desk. It's sort of a vase/container...something. So I wrote your names on pieces of paper, threw them in the thing, and drew seven names.
Some of the names are boy's names, because boys can be nice too.

Besides, if super-hot Mr. Fabulous can put up a pink flowered button without being a puss, then so can you. It just means you're secure in your masculinity.
I think he summed it up nicely: "Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness, however. Fuck with me and I will make your life a living hell."

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1. Brian. One of the last truly nice fellas. He's tall, bald, and handsome, terribly intelligent, and I adore him. Always have. I'm very lucky to call him friend, and I have been privileged to spend many hours laughing with him.

2. Mamacita. I want to move in with Mamacita and live forever and ever, and we will watch our favorite movies and read our favorite books. Mamacita is one of those naturally caring people who ALWAYS thinks of others, never herself. I PPH (pink puffy heart) her.

3. Kim (the blogger formerly known as MommaK). A steady and loyal friend, a true friend, who likes me even when I'm a jerk (which, as you know, is a frequent occurence)(and why do I never know how to spell occurence? Does it have 2 rs?). I love Kim dearly, she goes out of her way to be nice.

4. Debi. Deb is my other half of my shared brain. We keep each other going, and she always makes me laugh. She calls or texts just to cheer me up, just when I need it most. She sends me confetti-filled cards which someday I plan to kill her for because I'm STILL finding confetti from the last one. If we weren't both straight, we'd probably be married. I love her with a deep and abiding love.

5. Raehan. One of my favorite people, she's sweet and caring down to the bone. She always seems calm and smooth, like oil poured over water. I PPH Raehan too. Did you hear she's started her own religion? I'm planning to join.

6. Heather. One of my soul-mates. Heather's a nurse and I couldn't pick a better profession for her. She's innately kind and caring, and I would totally let her stick me with a needle anytime, even in the bum. She's got a big heart and shares it with everyone.

and last but not least...

7. Jeckles. Oh, stop shaking your heads and rolling your eyes. I know that some of you have read his blog and listened to Shitty Blog Radio and you're looking at me like I'm crazy. I know he's full of rage and loathes stupid people. He's a self-proclaimed asshole.
But. What I'm about to tell you, you must keep to yourselves, otherwise he's going to yell at me for ruining his reputation.
Jeckles is nice to me.
I've had a lot of problems with my computer...and he's helped me every single time. When I have questions, I ask Jeckles. He helped me figure out what memory card I needed for my computer, and patiently walked me through installing it myself. He lets me vent and commiserates with me when I've had a rotten day.
He's going to hate this award and the button and will most likely not acknowledge it...but still. There you go.

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Now go forth and spread the love.