It's NEKKID BROADCAST DAY!
9pm Central time! RIGHT NOW!
Come on in and chat!
Friday, June 01, 2007
You're late! You're late! For a very important date...
It's NEKKID BROADCAST DAY!
9pm Central time! RIGHT NOW!
Come on in and chat!
Meme for Youyou. Yeah, like you care.
The darling MommaK in a low-down and dirty move tagged me with the Eight Random Things meme...
* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits.
* People who are tagged need to write posts on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
*At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names I'm sorry, I'm unable to comply. I don't need the hate mail. If you choose to pick up the tag for yourself, please leave me a comment so that I may come and admire your work.
My first thought was, "Oh dear, how will I ever narrow it down to only eight?
Then I remembered that I've already told you most of my weird and/or quirky and/or random habits, so I'll have to think about it.
1. I love the smell of Bactine. I love it.
2. Whenever I re-read any of Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" series, I speak like Roland for awhile. Thankee-sai, say thankya, popkin (sandwich), astin (aspirin)...I can't help it.
3. Sometimes I am hopelessly naive about...well everything. Mostly people's motivations & characters.
4. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for people. I'm more likely to call them to the carpet now, whereas 10 or 15 years ago I would've let things slide.
5. I am not one of those people who blogs because of a need to write. I only blog to empty out my head so it can refill with more crap. I do, however, understand that need and admire it and envy it--I just don't have it.
6. If you've ever spoken to me in person or on the phone, then you're aware that I suffer from a disease called Interruptitis. I can't control it, and as of yet there is no medication available. Sometimes I'm stricken so severely that I interrupt myself.
7. MommaK knows this one: I cannot/will not eat any sort of lunch meat after it has been opened for two days. Because even if doesn't really smell funny...it smells funny. Gak.
8. I find it very difficult to be affectionate & demonstrative with the people to whom I am the closest.
For example, I've hugged Brian, Rose, Amanda, Chaz, Redneck Diva, Steph, and Nettl with uninhibited delight. However, I rarely hug my best friend Desarea, even though we're very close and I adore her. I rarely hug my mom, my dad, my brother, or my sister (all of whom I grew up with, you know)...but I always hug my bio-dad, stepmom, and their daughter (my youngest sister).
That's bizarre to me.
You know, when I finished this a few minutes ago, I realized that in the rules it does not say that you have to list 8 random facts/habits about yourself. This probably would have been so much more interesting if I'd've listed 8 random things about other people.
Dammit.
* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits.
* People who are tagged need to write posts on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
*
My first thought was, "Oh dear, how will I ever narrow it down to only eight?
Then I remembered that I've already told you most of my weird and/or quirky and/or random habits, so I'll have to think about it.
1. I love the smell of Bactine. I love it.
2. Whenever I re-read any of Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" series, I speak like Roland for awhile. Thankee-sai, say thankya, popkin (sandwich), astin (aspirin)...I can't help it.
3. Sometimes I am hopelessly naive about...well everything. Mostly people's motivations & characters.
4. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for people. I'm more likely to call them to the carpet now, whereas 10 or 15 years ago I would've let things slide.
5. I am not one of those people who blogs because of a need to write. I only blog to empty out my head so it can refill with more crap. I do, however, understand that need and admire it and envy it--I just don't have it.
6. If you've ever spoken to me in person or on the phone, then you're aware that I suffer from a disease called Interruptitis. I can't control it, and as of yet there is no medication available. Sometimes I'm stricken so severely that I interrupt myself.
7. MommaK knows this one: I cannot/will not eat any sort of lunch meat after it has been opened for two days. Because even if doesn't really smell funny...it smells funny. Gak.
8. I find it very difficult to be affectionate & demonstrative with the people to whom I am the closest.
For example, I've hugged Brian, Rose, Amanda, Chaz, Redneck Diva, Steph, and Nettl with uninhibited delight. However, I rarely hug my best friend Desarea, even though we're very close and I adore her. I rarely hug my mom, my dad, my brother, or my sister (all of whom I grew up with, you know)...but I always hug my bio-dad, stepmom, and their daughter (my youngest sister).
That's bizarre to me.
You know, when I finished this a few minutes ago, I realized that in the rules it does not say that you have to list 8 random facts/habits about yourself. This probably would have been so much more interesting if I'd've listed 8 random things about other people.
Dammit.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Deja Vu
Dear Lindsay,
Who do you think you're fooling? We all know you've only checked into rehab--yet AGAIN--because your lawyers tell you it will look good when you go to court--again.
Because rehab did so much good last time.
Here's a tip: if you don't believe in what you learn in rehab--if you don't make a conscious effort every single day to live what you learn in rehab...it doesn't work. Duh.
With any luck you will get a decent judge and perhaps you can share a cell with Paris and then you and she can be BFF.
Won't that be hot?
Yeah, I thought so.
Dear Lindsay's Mom,
Seriously, shut up. Oh, she's only 20! Oh, she has so many personal and professional issues in her life! Oh, there is "so much pressure on this 20 year old girl"!
waaaaaaaaaah. Poor, poor thing. Because everyone knows that celebrities are the only people in the world who have serious pressure and serious issues and personal and professional problems.
So let's all just keep on enabling, okay? Okay. Yeah.
and in a completely unrelated subject...
Why is it that when I date a man who says he has a great sense of humor...he never gets my jokes?
I can't be me.
.....
.....
.....
.....
Can it?
That is all.
Have a day.
Who do you think you're fooling? We all know you've only checked into rehab--yet AGAIN--because your lawyers tell you it will look good when you go to court--again.
Because rehab did so much good last time.
Here's a tip: if you don't believe in what you learn in rehab--if you don't make a conscious effort every single day to live what you learn in rehab...it doesn't work. Duh.
With any luck you will get a decent judge and perhaps you can share a cell with Paris and then you and she can be BFF.
Won't that be hot?
Yeah, I thought so.
Dear Lindsay's Mom,
Seriously, shut up. Oh, she's only 20! Oh, she has so many personal and professional issues in her life! Oh, there is "so much pressure on this 20 year old girl"!
waaaaaaaaaah. Poor, poor thing. Because everyone knows that celebrities are the only people in the world who have serious pressure and serious issues and personal and professional problems.
So let's all just keep on enabling, okay? Okay. Yeah.
and in a completely unrelated subject...
Why is it that when I date a man who says he has a great sense of humor...he never gets my jokes?
I can't be me.
.....
.....
.....
.....
Can it?
That is all.
Have a day.
Um..
I was reading the comments on someone's blog today and saw this username:
a teacher who doesn't plagerize
That made me laugh.
a teacher who doesn't plagerize
That made me laugh.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Monday Crapola.
first things first...
The podcast is awaiting you:
Come to the MPYR RADIO FORUMS and vote for a featured artist!
Voting is open to all and sundry. I stronglydemand! encourage you to vote for my favorite, Bob Gentry.
Angie, this means you. :D
It's amusing and a little bit flattering to be thought of as "The Competition", especially when you had no idea that you were (nor did you even want to be) on the same playing field.
It's also vaguely insulting for the same reason.
Search Term Of The Week:
"What does Carrie Underwood mean by bathroom polo?"
Oh my dear, dear child. Obviously you have yet to experience this phenomenon--or do they only have condom machines in the bathrooms of thedives bars that you frequent?
You should come here more often, it's occasionally educational.
The podcast is awaiting you:
Come to the MPYR RADIO FORUMS and vote for a featured artist!
Voting is open to all and sundry. I strongly
Angie, this means you. :D
It's amusing and a little bit flattering to be thought of as "The Competition", especially when you had no idea that you were (nor did you even want to be) on the same playing field.
It's also vaguely insulting for the same reason.
Search Term Of The Week:
"What does Carrie Underwood mean by bathroom polo?"
Oh my dear, dear child. Obviously you have yet to experience this phenomenon--or do they only have condom machines in the bathrooms of the
You should come here more often, it's occasionally educational.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
TOP TEN LIST
NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU'VE GOT PMS:
After thirty minutes of wandering aimlessly about the grocery store, the only thing in your basket is Fruit & Nut Trail Mix (the good kind with sesame sticks), Salt & Vinegar potato chips, microwave brownies, and wine coolers.
Who gives a shit about #s 2-10 anyways.
Bleh.
After thirty minutes of wandering aimlessly about the grocery store, the only thing in your basket is Fruit & Nut Trail Mix (the good kind with sesame sticks), Salt & Vinegar potato chips, microwave brownies, and wine coolers.
Who gives a shit about #s 2-10 anyways.
Bleh.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
But how did they know??
I stole this from Finn The Huntress...and damn if this test didn't peg me just right.
Okay boys...any takers? Who wants to be my hat?
Okay boys...any takers? Who wants to be my hat?
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Outwit, Outlast, Outplay...nah.
A show you don't want to miss...
Great music! Technical difficulties! Me! A call-in conversation with none other than Jeckles of The Shitty Blogs Club!
And there was a spider on me. Gak.
Click here to get your own player.
Yella-bellied coward. Go on. You can try to pry the title from my cold, dead hands.
Sign up today. Read the rules.
(seriously, read the rules. They're the best part so far)
One of the rules is "If you think your blog is too cool to be sullied with this kind of silliness, don't sign up."
I just wanted to add that if you think your blog is too cool for anything...well, perhaps you should let me pull the big stick out of your ass for you and whack you about the head and shoulders with it.
Because that's just sad.
Come on & play...it'll be like a little ray of sunshine in your normal hum-drummery.
Friday, May 18, 2007
MotherTalk Blog Bonanza: Dangerous Boy Friday
**first things first:
TUNE IN tonight at 10pm EST.
Sit back and experience me. Bring booze-it's DOUBLE SHOT night!
It's time once again for a MotherTalk Blog Bonanza! Our topic is brought to us courtesy of the book "Dangerous Book For Boys".
I feel I should preface my post with a couple of things...
First, I have not read the book. YET (I'm waiting for it to arrive). I HAVE read reviews and author interviews, and I think I have a general (very general) understanding of the content. (and anyways this isn't a book review)
In one sense, I think it offers some interesting and entertaining projects and information for children.
But there's always that 'other hand'. I do NOT wish to insult the authors in any way--after all, they are men, therefore they are former boys, and they are writing what they know.
I am a girl. Well, woman now.
So I will write what I know.
See, they've left out a large portion of the population...I'm sure you've figured out which portion by now. I certainly hope the authors did not mean to imply in any way that girls wouldn't enjoy
A. Reading this book
and
B. Enjoying the activities contained therein.
I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt--since I haven't read more than an excerpt or two yet.
I did take a bit of exception to a portion of an author interview which stated, "The book is often bought by fathers, of course."
Perhaps things work a little differently in the UK, but it's been my experience that about 7 times out of 10 it is MOM doing the shopping, MOM being more likely to purchase a book for a child.
In my humble opinion, the authors would have been better served calling the book "Dangerous Book For Children".
But that's just me.
On with the Blog Bonanza!
I have a trampoline in my backyard. It has no safety fence thingy.
A friend of mine once asked, "Don't you want your children to be as safe as they possibly can??"
Well, yeah...but...
When I learned to rollerskate, I had metal skates that fit on over my shoes. I had no knee pads, no elbow pads, and certainly no helmet.
Same goes for when I learned to ride a bike.
Boys and girls played touch football together in the yard at dusk, usually with bare feet.
We explored the woods around us, plus all the little creeks and streams that cottonmouth snakes called home.
We caught ringneck snakes and lizards, crawfish and grasshoppers--the 'hoppers we used when we went fishin' in those creeks and streams.
We had bottlecap collections--we found them anywhere, everywhere, and used sometimes rusty nails to pin the caps to a plank of wood.
We walked barefoot on gravel driveways, we got fish hooks caught in our fingers and feet. We got ticks in our heads that our parents pulled out with little fanfare. Since we were mostly barefoot, we got stickers in our feet and learned to yank them out quick without hollerin'.
When I played softball, we had sliding practices. We learned to slide on the side; we learned to slide head-first.
We climbed trees and skinned our knees, we built precarious 'houses' in those trees.
We played with hammers and nails, screwdrivers, and wrenches. We dug holes in the yard with shovels.
We camped out in the back yard. We used a sterno stove to cook dinner and breakfast when we camped out.
It was never too hot to ride bikes.
Until I became a mother myself, I never understood or appreciated how my parents must have felt.
My instinct is to shelter, to over-protect...and I fight myself constantly so that I do not stifle my children. I freely admit that it's been one of the hardest things for me to do--back off & let them experience.
My cousin Sharon started teaching me to ride horses when I was young. They had a big white mare named Silver, and she (Sharon, that is, not Silver) and I rode double on a roomy western-style saddle.
No helmet. No fancy boots or jodhpurs. Once I was even wearing sandals whilst we were riding.
Last summer my daughter was learning to ride on a Shetland pony. She wore boots and jeans...no helmet.
One day the horse spooked and ran under a tree to scrape my kid off--and my daughter ended up with about 10 staples in the top of her scalp (you can read about it & see the pics).
As much as I wanted to forbid the riding of the horses after that...I didn't.
She (literally) got back up on the horse.
Kids get hurt. Accidents happen. Sad but true.
Of course we want to spare our children the pain...but how will they learn to live through it, deal with it, if we never let them experience?
I always had scrapes and bruises and contusions growing up, every finger and thumb jammed at some point (which my dad would yank back out), with a fractured wrist and a chipped bone in my middle finger (no, I wasn't flipping someone the bird at the time, it's a much more embarrassing story than that), a severely sprained ankle (3 times), cracked tailbone, and heaven knows what else--because I was experiencing life. I was playing ball and playing with friends and exploring and biking and running and climbing and skating and collecting and having fun.
I don't want my kids to suffer any of the painful things. But I'm not going to interfere too much, either.
As much as I loveloveLOVE to read, I just didn't spend much time indoors, especially during the summer. Mothers would shoo us outside with a popsicle or a cold drink and tell us to "Go play. Stay out of trouble."
That's why I wonder how those children (my generation) became parents who buy their children every electronic device known to man and let them sit around in a vegetative state in front of the TV. With video games, computers, whatever.
How did we get to this?
That's where I think the book Dangerous Book For Boys can play a useful part--with ALL children and parents--helLO, single mom here! No father/son thing...it's a mother/daughter/son groove.
The book tells of simple activities, like how to skip stones and make paper hats & paper airplanes, as well as more adventurous activities like making a bow & arrow or a go-cart. The book tells interesting historical stories (girls like history too!), teaches navigation and how to play poker.
Luckily, I'm a groovy mom & taught my daughter how to play Blackjack years ago. We've moved on to Texas Hold 'Em.
TUNE IN tonight at 10pm EST.
Sit back and experience me. Bring booze-it's DOUBLE SHOT night!
It's time once again for a MotherTalk Blog Bonanza! Our topic is brought to us courtesy of the book "Dangerous Book For Boys".
I feel I should preface my post with a couple of things...
First, I have not read the book. YET (I'm waiting for it to arrive). I HAVE read reviews and author interviews, and I think I have a general (very general) understanding of the content. (and anyways this isn't a book review)
In one sense, I think it offers some interesting and entertaining projects and information for children.
But there's always that 'other hand'. I do NOT wish to insult the authors in any way--after all, they are men, therefore they are former boys, and they are writing what they know.
I am a girl. Well, woman now.
So I will write what I know.
See, they've left out a large portion of the population...I'm sure you've figured out which portion by now. I certainly hope the authors did not mean to imply in any way that girls wouldn't enjoy
A. Reading this book
and
B. Enjoying the activities contained therein.
I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt--since I haven't read more than an excerpt or two yet.
I did take a bit of exception to a portion of an author interview which stated, "The book is often bought by fathers, of course."
Perhaps things work a little differently in the UK, but it's been my experience that about 7 times out of 10 it is MOM doing the shopping, MOM being more likely to purchase a book for a child.
In my humble opinion, the authors would have been better served calling the book "Dangerous Book For Children".
But that's just me.
On with the Blog Bonanza!
I have a trampoline in my backyard. It has no safety fence thingy.
A friend of mine once asked, "Don't you want your children to be as safe as they possibly can??"
Well, yeah...but...
When I learned to rollerskate, I had metal skates that fit on over my shoes. I had no knee pads, no elbow pads, and certainly no helmet.
Same goes for when I learned to ride a bike.
Boys and girls played touch football together in the yard at dusk, usually with bare feet.
We explored the woods around us, plus all the little creeks and streams that cottonmouth snakes called home.
We caught ringneck snakes and lizards, crawfish and grasshoppers--the 'hoppers we used when we went fishin' in those creeks and streams.
We had bottlecap collections--we found them anywhere, everywhere, and used sometimes rusty nails to pin the caps to a plank of wood.
We walked barefoot on gravel driveways, we got fish hooks caught in our fingers and feet. We got ticks in our heads that our parents pulled out with little fanfare. Since we were mostly barefoot, we got stickers in our feet and learned to yank them out quick without hollerin'.
When I played softball, we had sliding practices. We learned to slide on the side; we learned to slide head-first.
We climbed trees and skinned our knees, we built precarious 'houses' in those trees.
We played with hammers and nails, screwdrivers, and wrenches. We dug holes in the yard with shovels.
We camped out in the back yard. We used a sterno stove to cook dinner and breakfast when we camped out.
It was never too hot to ride bikes.
Until I became a mother myself, I never understood or appreciated how my parents must have felt.
My instinct is to shelter, to over-protect...and I fight myself constantly so that I do not stifle my children. I freely admit that it's been one of the hardest things for me to do--back off & let them experience.
My cousin Sharon started teaching me to ride horses when I was young. They had a big white mare named Silver, and she (Sharon, that is, not Silver) and I rode double on a roomy western-style saddle.
No helmet. No fancy boots or jodhpurs. Once I was even wearing sandals whilst we were riding.
Last summer my daughter was learning to ride on a Shetland pony. She wore boots and jeans...no helmet.
One day the horse spooked and ran under a tree to scrape my kid off--and my daughter ended up with about 10 staples in the top of her scalp (you can read about it & see the pics).
As much as I wanted to forbid the riding of the horses after that...I didn't.
She (literally) got back up on the horse.
Kids get hurt. Accidents happen. Sad but true.
Of course we want to spare our children the pain...but how will they learn to live through it, deal with it, if we never let them experience?
I always had scrapes and bruises and contusions growing up, every finger and thumb jammed at some point (which my dad would yank back out), with a fractured wrist and a chipped bone in my middle finger (no, I wasn't flipping someone the bird at the time, it's a much more embarrassing story than that), a severely sprained ankle (3 times), cracked tailbone, and heaven knows what else--because I was experiencing life. I was playing ball and playing with friends and exploring and biking and running and climbing and skating and collecting and having fun.
I don't want my kids to suffer any of the painful things. But I'm not going to interfere too much, either.
As much as I loveloveLOVE to read, I just didn't spend much time indoors, especially during the summer. Mothers would shoo us outside with a popsicle or a cold drink and tell us to "Go play. Stay out of trouble."
That's why I wonder how those children (my generation) became parents who buy their children every electronic device known to man and let them sit around in a vegetative state in front of the TV. With video games, computers, whatever.
How did we get to this?
That's where I think the book Dangerous Book For Boys can play a useful part--with ALL children and parents--helLO, single mom here! No father/son thing...it's a mother/daughter/son groove.
The book tells of simple activities, like how to skip stones and make paper hats & paper airplanes, as well as more adventurous activities like making a bow & arrow or a go-cart. The book tells interesting historical stories (girls like history too!), teaches navigation and how to play poker.
Luckily, I'm a groovy mom & taught my daughter how to play Blackjack years ago. We've moved on to Texas Hold 'Em.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Is this all that's left?? Please, say it ain't so.
I really shouldn't make fun of people. Really.
I know. I can't help it, though. I'm mean and nasty that way.
Hi
I have a great sense of humo & a warm personality easy going ,honest,sincere and loyal. (what the hell is humo?)
I believe in alway's treatins people the same I would won't to be treated. (there's just SO MUCH WRONG with that that it paralyzes me)
I like meeting and makeing new friend's. I'm not real big on the night club seen (you don't like to be seen at nightclubs? What?)
but I do like to go out and have a good time.
I like out door's ,going to movie's, concert, live music, comedy, sooner, and the blazer. (The blazer? Do you have some sort of special jacket? Should we be calling it The Blazer?)(those damn pesky apostrophes! Look how they just keep jumping in there!)
But a peaceful evening at home sharing is also nice. (at this point I'm a little frightened of what you want to share)
I think romance come from the heart and mine. (from the heart? Do you keep it wrapped in The Blazer?)
Moonlight picknit , sun set and rise, soft music, candle lite dinners. (OOOH, my favorite pastime--PICKING NITS AT MOONLIGHT! SCORE!)
How did this dude get my email?
WHY ME?
For crap's sake.
I know. I can't help it, though. I'm mean and nasty that way.
Hi
I have a great sense of humo & a warm personality easy going ,honest,sincere and loyal. (what the hell is humo?)
I believe in alway's treatins people the same I would won't to be treated. (there's just SO MUCH WRONG with that that it paralyzes me)
I like meeting and makeing new friend's. I'm not real big on the night club seen (you don't like to be seen at nightclubs? What?)
but I do like to go out and have a good time.
I like out door's ,going to movie's, concert, live music, comedy, sooner, and the blazer. (The blazer? Do you have some sort of special jacket? Should we be calling it The Blazer?)(those damn pesky apostrophes! Look how they just keep jumping in there!)
But a peaceful evening at home sharing is also nice. (at this point I'm a little frightened of what you want to share)
I think romance come from the heart and mine. (from the heart? Do you keep it wrapped in The Blazer?)
Moonlight picknit , sun set and rise, soft music, candle lite dinners. (OOOH, my favorite pastime--PICKING NITS AT MOONLIGHT! SCORE!)
How did this dude get my email?
WHY ME?
For crap's sake.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Riddle me this, riddle me that...
Question Of The Day:
How on earth does one single parent attend two fifth grade graduations on the same day, at different schools, when the ceremonies are only an hour apart?
Bah.
How on earth does one single parent attend two fifth grade graduations on the same day, at different schools, when the ceremonies are only an hour apart?
Bah.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Happy Mother's Day!
I wish you the happiest of days.
Yes, this is really my cake. No, you cannot have it.
But I might be inclined to let you have a small slice.
Hey, it's cake. I'm selfish.
I'm one of the lucky people--I have two moms.
A wonderful mommy, and an equally wonderful step-mommy.
I'd be lost without them.
Thanks, Moms, for all the little things you do.
Like cookie pizza and pineapple upside-down cake on my birthday.
Like loaning me your convertible for a road trip.
Like making me Easter baskets and Valentine's Day baskets and Christmas stockings every year, even though I'm almost 40.
For all the meals you've cooked, for sitting in the bleachers during basketball games with a tube of superglue and my extra pair of glasses at the ready, for sweltering in the stands during all those softball seasons, for squinching your eyes closed and clinging to the door handle with a death-grip when I was learning to drive, for making my curtains, for giving me your last cup of laundry detergent because I was out and I just had to have that skirt washed right now, for these things and a million zillion more...
Thanks. I owe you.
Happy Mother's Day, Moms.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Opening Lines **STICKY NOTE**
This would be the second in a long line of nagging reminders about the upcoming BLOGATHON 2007!
If you check out the right-hand sidebar, you'll see 'Blogathon 2006', wherein you will find a long and distinguished list of my most excellent and generous supporters from last year.
Let's go a little further this year, shall we????
I think we'll start really (begging, bribing) working on pledges on July 1.
Remember how I've already started offering up bribes?
Keep that in mind as you open your hearts & wallets.
NOW.
Here's the part where I need a different kind of help from you.
Last year's blogathon was GREAT fun, but as I got more and more tired, my brain was sluggish and it was very difficult to think of topics to post about.
HOW DO I NEED YOUR HELP? (besides $$, that is)
I need opening lines.
I can't pre-write posts (against the rules, y'know), but I CAN get them ready & jot down bits of ideas.
What I plan to do: Take your opening lines and make a very (VERY) short little tiny paragraph-or-two sized story.
Just think of an opening sentence for me, I'll do the rest.
Ready?
Set....
GO!
If you check out the right-hand sidebar, you'll see 'Blogathon 2006', wherein you will find a long and distinguished list of my most excellent and generous supporters from last year.
Let's go a little further this year, shall we????
I think we'll start really (begging, bribing) working on pledges on July 1.
Remember how I've already started offering up bribes?
Keep that in mind as you open your hearts & wallets.
NOW.
Here's the part where I need a different kind of help from you.
Last year's blogathon was GREAT fun, but as I got more and more tired, my brain was sluggish and it was very difficult to think of topics to post about.
HOW DO I NEED YOUR HELP? (besides $$, that is)
I need opening lines.
I can't pre-write posts (against the rules, y'know), but I CAN get them ready & jot down bits of ideas.
What I plan to do: Take your opening lines and make a very (VERY) short little tiny paragraph-or-two sized story.
Just think of an opening sentence for me, I'll do the rest.
Ready?
Set....
GO!
Friday, May 11, 2007
TGIF. For many reasons.
whilst you're at home tonight (because, like me, you have no life) in your underwear in front of the computer ('fess up, you know you will be)...
then don't forget to come and join the rest of us who are doing the same thing:
Friday Night Live with Monty
Tonight. 10pm Eastern (7pm on the west coast, 9pm in the middle)
Let me entertain you.
**I forgot to mention--CALL ME! Be part of the LIVE show!
206-666-3570 (no, it's not Hell)(although I'm sure there are those who would disagree)
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Junkpile.
Since when do kids graduate from fifth grade??
We graduated from 8th grade and then from 12th.
But fifth?
And what do you buy a fifth grader for a graduation present?
Is there a petition to Governor Terminator floating around out there that is for Paris Hilton going to jail?
Because I would so sign that.
If only to STOP THE MADNESS.
I'd probably sign one for Tom Sizemore too.
One of the drawbacks to getting involved/friendly/lovey-dovey with other bloggers is that sometimes when you really, really want to be honest and release some (righteous) anger, you can't really do it without pointing a finger.
You know, typically I can be quite vague so that no one will say "OH! I KNOW exactly who she's talking about!"...
But sometimes what I'm feeling and want to blow out of my head is focused to a pinpoint and there's no way to hide who I feel is(are) the perpetrator(s).
There are those who have lied, and lied, and lied...and I've got no line of defense.
There are those who have deceived, trash-talked and whored themselves...and I've got no line of defense.
There are those who made public what should have been private...and I chose not to defend myself.
But if I tell you about it, then you'll all know exactly whom (who? I never get that right) to blame.
And my staunchest friends would happily go and defend me...and then a big ugliness would be stirred up and around and above and about and...
And then we'd have all sunk deep, deep, deep into the darkness of "their" level.
But the injustice still burns me, that I can't tell you about it.
And oh yeah, I accidentally drank a moth last night.
*gak*
We graduated from 8th grade and then from 12th.
But fifth?
And what do you buy a fifth grader for a graduation present?
Is there a petition to Governor Terminator floating around out there that is for Paris Hilton going to jail?
Because I would so sign that.
If only to STOP THE MADNESS.
I'd probably sign one for Tom Sizemore too.
One of the drawbacks to getting involved/friendly/lovey-dovey with other bloggers is that sometimes when you really, really want to be honest and release some (righteous) anger, you can't really do it without pointing a finger.
You know, typically I can be quite vague so that no one will say "OH! I KNOW exactly who she's talking about!"...
But sometimes what I'm feeling and want to blow out of my head is focused to a pinpoint and there's no way to hide who I feel is(are) the perpetrator(s).
There are those who have lied, and lied, and lied...and I've got no line of defense.
There are those who have deceived, trash-talked and whored themselves...and I've got no line of defense.
There are those who made public what should have been private...and I chose not to defend myself.
But if I tell you about it, then you'll all know exactly whom (who? I never get that right) to blame.
And my staunchest friends would happily go and defend me...and then a big ugliness would be stirred up and around and above and about and...
And then we'd have all sunk deep, deep, deep into the darkness of "their" level.
But the injustice still burns me, that I can't tell you about it.
And oh yeah, I accidentally drank a moth last night.
*gak*
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
I love Mad Libs
Mad Libs is one of my favorite games ever and has been since...well, since I learned what adverbs and adjectives were from Schoolhouse Rock.
When my sister & mom & I play, whoever is reading the story out loud at the end is often laughing too hard to be understood.
I can think of a few of you I'd like to play Mad Libs with.
I'd forgotten about this site:
And they also have this:
Please come play with me.
I want to see what you come up with.
When my sister & mom & I play, whoever is reading the story out loud at the end is often laughing too hard to be understood.
I can think of a few of you I'd like to play Mad Libs with.
I'd forgotten about this site:
Subject: The STINKING INSECTS in the CLOSET and Other Business.
From: Mr. OCHRE, BRAIN Supervisor
To: All Employees of ROACH-INFESTED BEAVER Inc.
It has come to my MELTED attention that the CLOSET has been DELICIOUSLY OOZED AROUND with STINKING INSECTS. I am tired of dealing with MOLDY employees and their STINKING INSECTS. The CLOSET is meant for PROSTITUTING. It is not a CIGARETTE room.
On a more INFLAMED note, I would like to SPANK all of you for the DINKY work you all did on the VIOLET COFFEE CUP account. You should all be SLUTTISHLY BURNT.
Also, be sure to welcome FRED, the newest member of the PHLEGM department. They will be a CRUSTY HAMMER to our family.
FRANKLY Yours,
Mr. OCHRE, BRAIN Supervisor.
And they also have this:
Once upon a time there has a young BANK TELLER named MIKE. He was SHAKILY DANCING in the BOOBALICIOUS forest when he met TOBACCO-STAINED JOE, a run-away WAITRESS from the SEASONED Queen DEBI.
MIKE could see that TOBACCO-STAINED JOE was hungry so he reached into his TUPPERWARE BOWL and give him his FUZZY LIVERWURST. TOBACCO-STAINED JOE was thankful for MIKE's LIVERWURST, so he told MIKE a very GAY story about Queen DEBI's daughter JANE. How her mother, the SEASONED Queen DEBI, kept her locked away in a OUTHOUSE protected by a gigantic DODO BIRD, because JANE was so CANDY-COATED.
MIKE BURPED. He vowed to TOBACCO-STAINED JOE the WAITRESS that he would save the CANDY-COATED JANE. He would HUMP the DODO BIRD, and take JANE far away from her evil mother, the SEASONED Queen DEBI, and GIGGLE her.
Then, all of the sudden, there was a MASOCHISTIC TORNADO and TOBACCO-STAINED JOE the WAITRESS began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic DODO BIRD from his story. SEASONED Queen DEBI SKATED out from behind a SNOWSHOE and struck MIKE dead. In the far off OUTHOUSE you could hear a HOOT.
THE END.
Please come play with me.
I want to see what you come up with.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Do I qualify?
Oh sure, they send you this when it's too late.
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings, weekends, and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Ever.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
It is a lifetime position.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $20.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat just in case this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years--without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required (unfortunately, in many cases).
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them--offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever you have left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
I know, sounds crazy, doesn't it?
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered--this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and (more importantly) free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Thanks to my friend Jen for brightening my email with that little gem
Or you could just do what I do and let the dogs raise 'em.
Hey, they're housebroken.
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings, weekends, and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Ever.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
It is a lifetime position.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $20.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat just in case this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years--without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required (unfortunately, in many cases).
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them--offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever you have left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
I know, sounds crazy, doesn't it?
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered--this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and (more importantly) free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Thanks to my friend Jen for brightening my email with that little gem
Or you could just do what I do and let the dogs raise 'em.
Hey, they're housebroken.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
....
I think I just peed my pants a little.
I found THIS SITE
where I can WATCH BUFFY TO MY HEART'S CONTENT (well, at least through Season 5).
Anytime I want.
This is like a little slice of heaven.
Thank you, cable internet.
Thank you, co.uk.
Thank you, Joss Whedon. I love you.
**UPDATE: THIS IS ALMOST BETTER THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY. I never got past "BU" when I was looking through the list of shows...today I thought I'd check it out.
I CAN WATCH DOCTOR WHO! And FAWLTY TOWERS! And RESCUE ME! And OMG WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY!
I think I'm feeling a little faint...too much...overload...dizzy...have to lie down...
That is all--I've got to get back to season 2, ep 1.
I'm watching in order, you see.
Have a day.
I found THIS SITE
where I can WATCH BUFFY TO MY HEART'S CONTENT (well, at least through Season 5).
Anytime I want.
This is like a little slice of heaven.
Thank you, cable internet.
Thank you, co.uk.
Thank you, Joss Whedon. I love you.
**UPDATE: THIS IS ALMOST BETTER THAN WINNING THE LOTTERY. I never got past "BU" when I was looking through the list of shows...today I thought I'd check it out.
I CAN WATCH DOCTOR WHO! And FAWLTY TOWERS! And RESCUE ME! And OMG WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY!
I think I'm feeling a little faint...too much...overload...dizzy...have to lie down...
That is all--I've got to get back to season 2, ep 1.
I'm watching in order, you see.
Have a day.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Nice
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH MONTY
Tune it in. I double-dog dare ya.
Faulty Memory
ME: "I think I'd like to marry Jack Reacher. 'Cause he can do stuff. He knows stuff."
MOM (dreamily): "Yeah, I'd like to have Jack for a son-in-law...we'd have a LOT more family dinners."
ME: "Except he's such a loner. He's always walking off alone at the end, down some deserted stretch of highway...like that guy on that show? You know the one with the Carradine brother?
That kung-fu show? Crap, what was it called, I can't think of it..."
MOM: "Kung-Fu".
ME: "Oh."
I thought this was sort of groovy...
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The (Inter)View...
Jules is puttin' the screws to me.
(No, pervert, she's not SCREWING me, she'sinterrogating interviewing)
So you know that interview meme thing that's going around?
So you know how I hop on every bandwagon that's going around?
This is the result.
Thanks, Jules!
I think the rules say that if you want me to pass this on to you, just leave a comment saying that you want to be interviewed.
(And really? It won't hurt my feelings if you don't want me to ask you any questions, I'm not really that imaginative)
1. You've just been chosen as Miss America. What debauchery from your past is going to come back and bite you in the ass?
Well, there are many answers to this question, but what immediately springs to mind is the (potential)threesome drunken peach margarita weekend at your house.
So you won't be winning Miss America either, missy.
(and P.S. I would've been taken out of the running during the swimsuit competition, unless they judge on the prettiest muu-muu)
2.You can only choose one. Sonic Cherry Coke (Crack) or the Man of Your Dreams? Which one and why?
See, if the choice would have been Man Of My Dreams or CHEDDAR PEPPERS, it would've been so much easier. Now I have to think about it.
....
....
....
....
....
Okay, I'm going with the Cherry Coke. Why? Because I can get half-price refills, as many as I want. Cherry Coke cools me when it's hot outside, refreshes me when I'm thirsty, and it doesn't lay claim to the remote. I can throw Cherry Coke away when I'm finished with it, and there are no hard feelings or shouting matches or tears (well, sometimes Cherry Coke cries a little bit). I can push Cherry Coke around if I want to; I am the boss of Cherry Coke. I can drink it as fast or as slowly as I want, and Cherry Coke never complains.
Plus? My dreams are usually nightmares, so I sure as hell don't want that faceless hunchbacked guy in the spangled cape and four inch strappy stilettos.
3. If you could design the perfect man, what would he look like? (not necessarily appearance, but characteristics?)
He'd probably look a lot like Cherry Coke.
4. How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?
Really, that all depends on how sexy I'm feeling.
OH, you mean a real tootsie roll pop.
One, two, three...*crunch*
Three.
5. Aside from the obvious prestige, what do you gain out of our friendship?
Well hell, you took my answer--prestige is what I would've said, because I get to hang around with one of the cool kids.
AND not to mention a place to get drunk and crash when I visit TexAss. *teehee, just kiddin', Texans*
AND the most awesome Chinese food and the special hot guacamole. :)
Seriously, I gain support and love and fun and a wonderful, strong, fabulous friend.
I love you. xoxoxoxoxox
*fade to black*
(No, pervert, she's not SCREWING me, she's
So you know that interview meme thing that's going around?
So you know how I hop on every bandwagon that's going around?
This is the result.
Thanks, Jules!
I think the rules say that if you want me to pass this on to you, just leave a comment saying that you want to be interviewed.
(And really? It won't hurt my feelings if you don't want me to ask you any questions, I'm not really that imaginative)
1. You've just been chosen as Miss America. What debauchery from your past is going to come back and bite you in the ass?
Well, there are many answers to this question, but what immediately springs to mind is the (potential)threesome drunken peach margarita weekend at your house.
So you won't be winning Miss America either, missy.
(and P.S. I would've been taken out of the running during the swimsuit competition, unless they judge on the prettiest muu-muu)
2.You can only choose one. Sonic Cherry Coke (Crack) or the Man of Your Dreams? Which one and why?
See, if the choice would have been Man Of My Dreams or CHEDDAR PEPPERS, it would've been so much easier. Now I have to think about it.
....
....
....
....
....
Okay, I'm going with the Cherry Coke. Why? Because I can get half-price refills, as many as I want. Cherry Coke cools me when it's hot outside, refreshes me when I'm thirsty, and it doesn't lay claim to the remote. I can throw Cherry Coke away when I'm finished with it, and there are no hard feelings or shouting matches or tears (well, sometimes Cherry Coke cries a little bit). I can push Cherry Coke around if I want to; I am the boss of Cherry Coke. I can drink it as fast or as slowly as I want, and Cherry Coke never complains.
Plus? My dreams are usually nightmares, so I sure as hell don't want that faceless hunchbacked guy in the spangled cape and four inch strappy stilettos.
3. If you could design the perfect man, what would he look like? (not necessarily appearance, but characteristics?)
He'd probably look a lot like Cherry Coke.
4. How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?
Really, that all depends on how sexy I'm feeling.
OH, you mean a real tootsie roll pop.
One, two, three...*crunch*
Three.
5. Aside from the obvious prestige, what do you gain out of our friendship?
Well hell, you took my answer--prestige is what I would've said, because I get to hang around with one of the cool kids.
AND not to mention a place to get drunk and crash when I visit TexAss. *teehee, just kiddin', Texans*
AND the most awesome Chinese food and the special hot guacamole. :)
Seriously, I gain support and love and fun and a wonderful, strong, fabulous friend.
I love you. xoxoxoxoxox
*fade to black*
April has been a spectacular month for me...
Wowwowwow.
How do I say thank you?
MommaK and Lindsay created, over a year ago, the Perfect Post Award.
The object is for you, as readers, to let those lovely ladies know every single month when you find that one special post that speaks to your heart...whether it makes you laugh or sing, cry or just feel.
Then? You get to spread the joy by giving out an award to that person.
Makes THEM feel special and happy, which should make you feel special and happy.
Today? I feel special and happy. And quite honored, especially since it was the deliciously delightful MommaK herself who offered me this:
...for my Blog Bonanza 'Fearless Friday' post
I'm so amazed...delighted that what happens to come from my head and my heart speaks to someone else's.
Thank you, thank you so much. I love you.
How do I say thank you?
MommaK and Lindsay created, over a year ago, the Perfect Post Award.
The object is for you, as readers, to let those lovely ladies know every single month when you find that one special post that speaks to your heart...whether it makes you laugh or sing, cry or just feel.
Then? You get to spread the joy by giving out an award to that person.
Makes THEM feel special and happy, which should make you feel special and happy.
Today? I feel special and happy. And quite honored, especially since it was the deliciously delightful MommaK herself who offered me this:
...for my Blog Bonanza 'Fearless Friday' post
I'm so amazed...delighted that what happens to come from my head and my heart speaks to someone else's.
Thank you, thank you so much. I love you.
Monday, April 30, 2007
A lot of things, only a couple of which are of any importance
First...
A big hug, smooch, and THANK YOU to my darling friend IcePrincezz (with whom I share a brain) for sending me THIS ITEM from my wishlist.
IT.IS.AWESOME!!!! Thank you, IcePrincezz!! xoxoxox
My irrational yet stupefying fear of bugs makes mowing the lawn a challenge.
We've got a zillion of those things that look like giant industrial-size mosquitos that roun' these parts we call Skeeter Eaters. Whether or not they actually eat skeeters is debatable...anyway, they swarmed me and I nearly lost my mind. *shudder*
Plus the innumerable crickets, grasshoppers, ticks, wasps, beetles, and those HORRID black things that fly in from outside and look like 4 inch long roaches. *gag**gag*
And even the butterflies. Pretty to look at, but I don't want them on me. And the yards of (please God, uninhabited) spider webs.
Now the sun is gone, the sky has clouded up, and I'm praying for rain so that I don't have to do the backyard today.
Speaking of mowing...
My daughter is going to be sad because I had to mow down her little cache ofweeds wildflowers that she picks for me most every day.
Also speaking of mowing...
I was listening to some music whilst I worked, and every time I hear Carrie Underwood sing "Before He Cheats", I laugh when she says, "Right now, he's probably dabbin' on three dollars worth of that bathroom Polo" because it reminds me of the time B.C. (that's Before Children, although I'm nearly old enough for it to have meant the other kind of B.C.) when we used to go out dancin'. A boy might dance with me a few times, and when it got close to closing time (if he thought he might get lucky--HAHA! SUCKER!) he'd scurry off to the men's room and come back a few minutes later smelling of...you guessed it...Polo. Sometimes Obsession. Rarely Poison, for which I was glad because the stink of that makes me retch. I knew it had to've come from the machine in the bathroom, because their Wranglers were so tight that not only could I count the change in their pockets, there was not even a smidge of extra room in which to hide a bottle of cologne.
And to finish up with the mowing...
If any of you live close by and you're one of thosefreakish weird kooky outdoorsy people who really actually likes to mow, I will gladly work a little more overtime in order to pay you to come and do it for me. Because I really, really, really, really, really hate it. Really.
AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...
Time to reveal my MIXMANIA LIST!
Our theme this time? Time.
Now, I tend to take things more...literally...than most of my fellow Mixologists. I'm not capable of thinking around corners or outside the box, that particular streak of creativity is missing in me.
Nonetheless, I usually manage to come up with a decent mix, if a bit obvious.
Time is like liquid, conforming to whatever we need it to be...We spend time, we waste it, we take it, do it, and kill it. Time flies, it stands still, it slips away. We count it, measure it, in seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years...Sometimes there's plenty, sometimes there's none.
So if you were my MixMatch, here's what you got:
Disc One
Time - Alan Parsons Project
Hourglass - The Squeeze
New York Minute - The Eagles
Time For Me To Fly - REO Speedwagon
Taking My Time - Boston
One Minute - Kelly Clarkson
5 O'Clock World - The Vogues
The Best Of Times - Styx
Theme from "A Clockwork Orange" (aka Beethovenia) - From "A Clockwork Orange"
The Second Time Around - Shalimar
Wasted Time - The Eagles
Still Doing Time - George Jones
Killin' Time - Clint Black
Party All The Time - Eddie Murphy
Time Stood Still - Bad English
Feels Like The First Time - Foreigner
Time Of The Season - The Zombies
Time To Change - The Brady Bunch
Disc Two
No Time - The Guess Who
Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce
Good Timing - Jimmy Jones
Fly Like An Eagle - Steve Miller Band
Minute by Minute - Doobie Brothers
Loving Every Minute Of It - Loverboy
Lovin' Every Minute - Mark Wills
60 Minute Man - Billy Ward & The Dominoes
Whatcha Waitin' For (TickTock) - Gwen Stefani
My Baby's Got Good Timing - Dan Seals
First Time For Everything - Little Texas
Cadillac, One Piece At A Time - Johnny Cash
Part Time Lover - Stevie Wonder
Bad Timing - Blue Rodeo
Tick Tock - Stevie Ray Vaughn
After Hours - Velvet Underground featuring Maureen "Mo" Tucker
Brand New Day - Sting
Rock Around The Clock - Bill Haley
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Hour Follows Hour - Ani DiFranco
Time Warp - from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (I'd be disappointed if you didn't know that already)
Hope you enjoyed it, MixMatch!! :)
Did I mention that I'd buy you beer if you mow my lawn?
Consider it mentioned.
That is all.
Have a day.
A big hug, smooch, and THANK YOU to my darling friend IcePrincezz (with whom I share a brain) for sending me THIS ITEM from my wishlist.
IT.IS.AWESOME!!!! Thank you, IcePrincezz!! xoxoxox
My irrational yet stupefying fear of bugs makes mowing the lawn a challenge.
We've got a zillion of those things that look like giant industrial-size mosquitos that roun' these parts we call Skeeter Eaters. Whether or not they actually eat skeeters is debatable...anyway, they swarmed me and I nearly lost my mind. *shudder*
Plus the innumerable crickets, grasshoppers, ticks, wasps, beetles, and those HORRID black things that fly in from outside and look like 4 inch long roaches. *gag**gag*
And even the butterflies. Pretty to look at, but I don't want them on me. And the yards of (please God, uninhabited) spider webs.
Now the sun is gone, the sky has clouded up, and I'm praying for rain so that I don't have to do the backyard today.
Speaking of mowing...
My daughter is going to be sad because I had to mow down her little cache of
Also speaking of mowing...
I was listening to some music whilst I worked, and every time I hear Carrie Underwood sing "Before He Cheats", I laugh when she says, "Right now, he's probably dabbin' on three dollars worth of that bathroom Polo" because it reminds me of the time B.C. (that's Before Children, although I'm nearly old enough for it to have meant the other kind of B.C.) when we used to go out dancin'. A boy might dance with me a few times, and when it got close to closing time (if he thought he might get lucky--HAHA! SUCKER!) he'd scurry off to the men's room and come back a few minutes later smelling of...you guessed it...Polo. Sometimes Obsession. Rarely Poison, for which I was glad because the stink of that makes me retch. I knew it had to've come from the machine in the bathroom, because their Wranglers were so tight that not only could I count the change in their pockets, there was not even a smidge of extra room in which to hide a bottle of cologne.
And to finish up with the mowing...
If any of you live close by and you're one of those
AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...
Time to reveal my MIXMANIA LIST!
Our theme this time? Time.
Now, I tend to take things more...literally...than most of my fellow Mixologists. I'm not capable of thinking around corners or outside the box, that particular streak of creativity is missing in me.
Nonetheless, I usually manage to come up with a decent mix, if a bit obvious.
Time is like liquid, conforming to whatever we need it to be...We spend time, we waste it, we take it, do it, and kill it. Time flies, it stands still, it slips away. We count it, measure it, in seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years...Sometimes there's plenty, sometimes there's none.
So if you were my MixMatch, here's what you got:
Disc One
Time - Alan Parsons Project
Hourglass - The Squeeze
New York Minute - The Eagles
Time For Me To Fly - REO Speedwagon
Taking My Time - Boston
One Minute - Kelly Clarkson
5 O'Clock World - The Vogues
The Best Of Times - Styx
Theme from "A Clockwork Orange" (aka Beethovenia) - From "A Clockwork Orange"
The Second Time Around - Shalimar
Wasted Time - The Eagles
Still Doing Time - George Jones
Killin' Time - Clint Black
Party All The Time - Eddie Murphy
Time Stood Still - Bad English
Feels Like The First Time - Foreigner
Time Of The Season - The Zombies
Time To Change - The Brady Bunch
Disc Two
No Time - The Guess Who
Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce
Good Timing - Jimmy Jones
Fly Like An Eagle - Steve Miller Band
Minute by Minute - Doobie Brothers
Loving Every Minute Of It - Loverboy
Lovin' Every Minute - Mark Wills
60 Minute Man - Billy Ward & The Dominoes
Whatcha Waitin' For (TickTock) - Gwen Stefani
My Baby's Got Good Timing - Dan Seals
First Time For Everything - Little Texas
Cadillac, One Piece At A Time - Johnny Cash
Part Time Lover - Stevie Wonder
Bad Timing - Blue Rodeo
Tick Tock - Stevie Ray Vaughn
After Hours - Velvet Underground featuring Maureen "Mo" Tucker
Brand New Day - Sting
Rock Around The Clock - Bill Haley
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Hour Follows Hour - Ani DiFranco
Time Warp - from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (I'd be disappointed if you didn't know that already)
Hope you enjoyed it, MixMatch!! :)
Did I mention that I'd buy you beer if you mow my lawn?
Consider it mentioned.
That is all.
Have a day.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Mother Talk Blog Bonanza!
MotherTalk is hereby dubbing Friday April 27th as Fearless Friday!
"During a Blog Bonanza, bloggers everywhere write about a single topic on the same day, and on that day we’re able to click from blog to blog, reading our friends thoughts, finding new wisdom, having as close to a major conversation as blogging might allow."
In celebration of Arianna Huffington's book, On Becoming Fearless...In Love, Work, and Life, the Blog Bonanza topic is Fearless Friday.
So. Let the Bonanza begin.
I am fearless.
I realize that by definition fearless means without fear, but when I say "I am fearless", what I mean is that I am fearless about trying to become...fearless.
By which I mean that I am not afraid to try.
We are to blog about a moment when we were fearless, or perhaps started overcoming a fear, or felt empowered, stepped outside our comfort zone. I have spent much of my adult life being afraid of one thing or another.
I am fearless.
I was married to a man who abused me physically, mentally, and emotionally for better than five years. I was convinced that I deserved it; if only I hadn't (said what I said)(done what I did)(had that look on my face)(been so impatient)(fill in the blank--it all applies). Being told daily that you're fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, and no-one else would have you anyway starts to convince you that you are indeed fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, and no-one else would have you anyway.
I lived in fear. And I was so cowed that for a time I couldn't leave, I made excuses like "OH! I can't face taking down all the pictures off the wall! And OH! The packing! And OH! He'll beat me up if I try to sneak out! And OH! I'm not strong enough, and maybe he really, truly means it this time when he says he'll change."
Yeah.
Until.
Until I reached the line, the point of no return, the final straw. And it wasn't anything in particular that put me in that place, I was just there.
As I waited for a girlfriend of mine to pick me up for work, my heart started pounding and I started shaking and I suddenly thought "I.CANNOT.DO.THIS.ANYMORE."
I left with nothing except my purse. I left my clothes, my furniture, my mementos behind...and walked out the door.
I am fearless.
My children were born so early, so tiny, just a tad over a pound each, and I was afraid for their lives every moment of every day. I have become somewhat less fearful as each year passes...but it never truly has left me. I have grasped my children tightly and can hardly bear to have them out of my sight, out of arm's reach, for more than a minute.
But how are they to grow, to become who they are supposed to be?
I have to let them.
I have to let them go.
I had to reach into the deepest part of me to let my daughter walk to school by herself...and eventually I let her stop calling me when she got there.
I had to be brave and let her go out of town for the weekend with a friend.
She wants to go to camp with our church youth group for a whole week this summer...and I will loosen my stranglehold and let her.
Let her go. Let her grow. Let her become.
I am fearless.
I have been afraid to speak out, to voice my opinion, for fear of what others would think. Blogging has given me a voice, and I've discovered that I don't have to shout my opinions to be heard, to be understood.
I am fearless.
It's hard to try. It's hard, knowing that I will fail sometimes. It's hard, knowing that I have to take that first step even though I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. That's why I am fearless. Because I'll take the step.
I'll take it because YOU, YOUR fearlessness, inspires me. Your support holds me upright. Your affection soothes my heart. YOU are a large part of my fearlessness.
Many of you have unrealized courage, but I see it, read it, in your stories.
You're fearless too, you know.
I am fearless.
Except, you know, for bugs.
"During a Blog Bonanza, bloggers everywhere write about a single topic on the same day, and on that day we’re able to click from blog to blog, reading our friends thoughts, finding new wisdom, having as close to a major conversation as blogging might allow."
In celebration of Arianna Huffington's book, On Becoming Fearless...In Love, Work, and Life, the Blog Bonanza topic is Fearless Friday.
So. Let the Bonanza begin.
I am fearless.
I realize that by definition fearless means without fear, but when I say "I am fearless", what I mean is that I am fearless about trying to become...fearless.
By which I mean that I am not afraid to try.
We are to blog about a moment when we were fearless, or perhaps started overcoming a fear, or felt empowered, stepped outside our comfort zone. I have spent much of my adult life being afraid of one thing or another.
I am fearless.
I was married to a man who abused me physically, mentally, and emotionally for better than five years. I was convinced that I deserved it; if only I hadn't (said what I said)(done what I did)(had that look on my face)(been so impatient)(fill in the blank--it all applies). Being told daily that you're fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, and no-one else would have you anyway starts to convince you that you are indeed fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, and no-one else would have you anyway.
I lived in fear. And I was so cowed that for a time I couldn't leave, I made excuses like "OH! I can't face taking down all the pictures off the wall! And OH! The packing! And OH! He'll beat me up if I try to sneak out! And OH! I'm not strong enough, and maybe he really, truly means it this time when he says he'll change."
Yeah.
Until.
Until I reached the line, the point of no return, the final straw. And it wasn't anything in particular that put me in that place, I was just there.
As I waited for a girlfriend of mine to pick me up for work, my heart started pounding and I started shaking and I suddenly thought "I.CANNOT.DO.THIS.ANYMORE."
I left with nothing except my purse. I left my clothes, my furniture, my mementos behind...and walked out the door.
I am fearless.
My children were born so early, so tiny, just a tad over a pound each, and I was afraid for their lives every moment of every day. I have become somewhat less fearful as each year passes...but it never truly has left me. I have grasped my children tightly and can hardly bear to have them out of my sight, out of arm's reach, for more than a minute.
But how are they to grow, to become who they are supposed to be?
I have to let them.
I have to let them go.
I had to reach into the deepest part of me to let my daughter walk to school by herself...and eventually I let her stop calling me when she got there.
I had to be brave and let her go out of town for the weekend with a friend.
She wants to go to camp with our church youth group for a whole week this summer...and I will loosen my stranglehold and let her.
Let her go. Let her grow. Let her become.
I am fearless.
I have been afraid to speak out, to voice my opinion, for fear of what others would think. Blogging has given me a voice, and I've discovered that I don't have to shout my opinions to be heard, to be understood.
I am fearless.
It's hard to try. It's hard, knowing that I will fail sometimes. It's hard, knowing that I have to take that first step even though I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. That's why I am fearless. Because I'll take the step.
I'll take it because YOU, YOUR fearlessness, inspires me. Your support holds me upright. Your affection soothes my heart. YOU are a large part of my fearlessness.
Many of you have unrealized courage, but I see it, read it, in your stories.
You're fearless too, you know.
I am fearless.
Except, you know, for bugs.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Thought For The Day
"Sometimes you have to eat shit and just keep on smiling like it was creme brulee." ~~aka Monty
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Hmmm
I saw this billboard on Hefner Parkway the other day that read "1 in 3 women will die from heart disease".
That scared me, so I decided to start hanging out exclusively with women who look really sick--like they could go at any minute.
I figure that ups my odds, right?
Help save internet radio. Check it out. Thanks.
That scared me, so I decided to start hanging out exclusively with women who look really sick--like they could go at any minute.
I figure that ups my odds, right?
Help save internet radio. Check it out. Thanks.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Holy Crapoly, you've gotta be kidding.
My incredibly discerning and brilliantly intelligent darling friend Ms Finn has chosen to honor me with one of these:
Thank you, Ms Finn! I'm pleased to know that I have said something that caused you to think--and I'm very touched to be chosen, most especially by you whom I admire and respect so very much.
I've seen these around here and there and in a couple of cases--if I'm being honest *she said in a snide Simon Cowell voice*--I had no idea why the person was a recipient.
I can also say that just as easily about myself, so don't get your knickers in a twist.
Now my friend Brian (well-deservedly) received one, and he had the most complete directions I'd seen so naturally I copied off him (and not for the first time).
Not only is a the Thinking Blogger Award for recognition, it's also a meme and the rules are simple:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to five blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. (Optional) Proudly display the "Thinking Blogger Award" with a link to the post that you wrote.
Right then! If Ms Finn and Brian had not already been chosen, rest assured that they would have been on my list.
There are many of you who make me think...well, some of you make me think you're just silly. Or something. So this is going to be a difficult choice.
I think I'll start with Annie from Smart At Love. She's not only smart at love, she's smart at lots of stuff. I've heard her on a podcast, and I can tell you she's brilliant and eloquent, and knows how to put things so that regular folks like me can understand. Believe me when I say she knows what she's talking about...there isn't a post she's written that does NOT make me think about my own relationships. So far? She's been on the nose every time.
I don't do politics as a general rule, too complicated and headachy for me. However, I do want to keep abreast of what's going on in the world. I get my info from The Doctors at Sigmund, Carl, and Alfred.
They MAKE me think...sometimes they make me think a lot. They are opinionated and erudite, and encourage open and honest (and respectful!) discussion of often inflammatory topics.
Next has to be the person I want to be when I grow up, Mamacita of Scheiss Weekly. She's got book smarts and REAL common sense. She's the kind of educator I wish we had a million more of; she's wise, she's funny, she's The Real Thing. Mamacita's posts often make me think about--and sometimes re-evaluate--my feelings on particular issues. She's a Thinking Blogger if ever there was one.
I cannot possibly leave Steph from Incurable Insomniac off of my list. Steph is articulate, an artist of music, a composer, and has a fabulous dry wit. Steph leads Round Table discussions that are always interesting and informative, and often make me pause and reconsider my own points of view. A great Thinker, is Steph, and one of my favorite people in the world.
Last but certainly not least is the inimitable Meg Fowler (formerly of BlogCabin). Oh, I love the Meg-a-licious. We've gone round and round, head to head, and still I love her dearly. She's so very brainy, she tells the best stories from the bus, she has fun interactive lists that everyone loves...but I give her this award for the other things. For the issues that she is passionate about that make me think more deeply. For the emotion she brings, for her love of so much and so many. She often causes me to think seriously when my instinct would be to answer with flippancy.
From my heart to yours, THANK YOU all for the thoughts you've made me think.
Even when I didn't want to.
**there is at least one more I would give to a person who has a semi-secret blog, but he hates awards & memes.
You have no-one to blame but yourself. :) But I totally would have given you one of these awards. xoxox
Thank you, Ms Finn! I'm pleased to know that I have said something that caused you to think--and I'm very touched to be chosen, most especially by you whom I admire and respect so very much.
I've seen these around here and there and in a couple of cases--if I'm being honest *she said in a snide Simon Cowell voice*--I had no idea why the person was a recipient.
I can also say that just as easily about myself, so don't get your knickers in a twist.
Now my friend Brian (well-deservedly) received one, and he had the most complete directions I'd seen so naturally I copied off him (and not for the first time).
Not only is a the Thinking Blogger Award for recognition, it's also a meme and the rules are simple:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to five blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. (Optional) Proudly display the "Thinking Blogger Award" with a link to the post that you wrote.
Right then! If Ms Finn and Brian had not already been chosen, rest assured that they would have been on my list.
There are many of you who make me think...well, some of you make me think you're just silly. Or something. So this is going to be a difficult choice.
I think I'll start with Annie from Smart At Love. She's not only smart at love, she's smart at lots of stuff. I've heard her on a podcast, and I can tell you she's brilliant and eloquent, and knows how to put things so that regular folks like me can understand. Believe me when I say she knows what she's talking about...there isn't a post she's written that does NOT make me think about my own relationships. So far? She's been on the nose every time.
I don't do politics as a general rule, too complicated and headachy for me. However, I do want to keep abreast of what's going on in the world. I get my info from The Doctors at Sigmund, Carl, and Alfred.
They MAKE me think...sometimes they make me think a lot. They are opinionated and erudite, and encourage open and honest (and respectful!) discussion of often inflammatory topics.
Next has to be the person I want to be when I grow up, Mamacita of Scheiss Weekly. She's got book smarts and REAL common sense. She's the kind of educator I wish we had a million more of; she's wise, she's funny, she's The Real Thing. Mamacita's posts often make me think about--and sometimes re-evaluate--my feelings on particular issues. She's a Thinking Blogger if ever there was one.
I cannot possibly leave Steph from Incurable Insomniac off of my list. Steph is articulate, an artist of music, a composer, and has a fabulous dry wit. Steph leads Round Table discussions that are always interesting and informative, and often make me pause and reconsider my own points of view. A great Thinker, is Steph, and one of my favorite people in the world.
Last but certainly not least is the inimitable Meg Fowler (formerly of BlogCabin). Oh, I love the Meg-a-licious. We've gone round and round, head to head, and still I love her dearly. She's so very brainy, she tells the best stories from the bus, she has fun interactive lists that everyone loves...but I give her this award for the other things. For the issues that she is passionate about that make me think more deeply. For the emotion she brings, for her love of so much and so many. She often causes me to think seriously when my instinct would be to answer with flippancy.
From my heart to yours, THANK YOU all for the thoughts you've made me think.
Even when I didn't want to.
**there is at least one more I would give to a person who has a semi-secret blog, but he hates awards & memes.
You have no-one to blame but yourself. :) But I totally would have given you one of these awards. xoxox
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
but first...
If you missed the PREMIERE, just download it here:
Click here to get your own player.
and then...
THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, e-cards, and gifts. :)
You rock my world.
My Birthday.
The worst of times...briefly:
*Woke up with DMS
*Daughter tried to serve me some attitude
*Before I had coffee
*Son bit me. Hard. Left a bruise on the meaty part of my thumb
*Still no coffee
*Had a small nervous breakdown
*Threw a temper tantrum
*Went to my room, slammed the door. Threw socks at the wall. Screamed. Cried. Cursed a lot.
*Composed myself, went to the kitchen, found coffee and a note:
"Dear Mom, Happy Birthday. I'm sorry I got on your nerves. Here's some birthday coffee for you."
*Cried some more because I'm a mean evil mother
*Drank my birthday coffee. The balance of nature was restored.
It was the best of times...briefly:
*My friend Zero sent me THIS MOVIE FROM MY WISHLIST
*I got an assload of love from you guys
*I got birthday money that I promptly spent on 1GB of RAM and a headset
*I got to talk to two of my favorite man-friends on the phone. Both of them made me laugh. One cheered me up, the other guided me through the murky waters of technology in language that even a dope like me could understand.
*I got flowers
*and PRESENTS
*and cards in the mail
*Mom made me homemade chicken caesar salad and cookie pizza
Have a day.
That is all.
If you missed the PREMIERE, just download it here:
Click here to get your own player.
and then...
THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone for the lovely birthday wishes, e-cards, and gifts. :)
You rock my world.
My Birthday.
The worst of times...briefly:
*Woke up with DMS
*Daughter tried to serve me some attitude
*Before I had coffee
*Son bit me. Hard. Left a bruise on the meaty part of my thumb
*Still no coffee
*Had a small nervous breakdown
*Threw a temper tantrum
*Went to my room, slammed the door. Threw socks at the wall. Screamed. Cried. Cursed a lot.
*Composed myself, went to the kitchen, found coffee and a note:
"Dear Mom, Happy Birthday. I'm sorry I got on your nerves. Here's some birthday coffee for you."
*Cried some more because I'm a mean evil mother
*Drank my birthday coffee. The balance of nature was restored.
It was the best of times...briefly:
*My friend Zero sent me THIS MOVIE FROM MY WISHLIST
*I got an assload of love from you guys
*I got birthday money that I promptly spent on 1GB of RAM and a headset
*I got to talk to two of my favorite man-friends on the phone. Both of them made me laugh. One cheered me up, the other guided me through the murky waters of technology in language that even a dope like me could understand.
*I got flowers
*and PRESENTS
*and cards in the mail
*Mom made me homemade chicken caesar salad and cookie pizza
Have a day.
That is all.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Tonight's the night...
Imagine, if you will, a big sparkly marquee with blinking and flashing lights:
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE
With MONTY
Tune it in. I double-dog dare ya.
7pm in California
9pm Central
10pm Eastern
ONLY ON
Come on. Join the Empire.
Hey, guess what? I taught my daughter how to shoot whiskey today!
Only she was using cough syrup, but still.
Tomorrow, I'll tell you some birthday stories.
With MONTY
Tune it in. I double-dog dare ya.
7pm in California
9pm Central
10pm Eastern
ONLY ON
Come on. Join the Empire.
Hey, guess what? I taught my daughter how to shoot whiskey today!
Only she was using cough syrup, but still.
Tomorrow, I'll tell you some birthday stories.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
It was an honor just to be nominated...
...but let's face it--it's so much better when you win!
THANK YOU to EVERYONE who voted for me in the BoB Awards...
And THANK YOU for winning me THE BEST PODCAST!
I so totally rock.
*she said modestly*
You all share this honor with me (if you're one of the ones who voted for me, that is--if not, then screw you)...but I get to keep it at my house.
THANKS EVERYONE!!
Dear Mother Nature,
Now that's more like it.
Thanks, Big Mama.
Love and kisses,
Monty
THANK YOU to EVERYONE who voted for me in the BoB Awards...
And THANK YOU for winning me THE BEST PODCAST!
I so totally rock.
*she said modestly*
You all share this honor with me (if you're one of the ones who voted for me, that is--if not, then screw you)...but I get to keep it at my house.
THANKS EVERYONE!!
Dear Mother Nature,
Now that's more like it.
Thanks, Big Mama.
Love and kisses,
Monty
Saturday, April 14, 2007
I can't feel my fingers. Or toes.
Dear Mother Nature,
Yo' girl, whassup? I'd like to point out that this is the second time I've had to contact you in order to set some things straight.
Now, I'd like to know...have you gone off your meds again? Is it global warming? Is Al Gore putting too much pressure on you?
Because you do realize, I'm sure, that it's April. Mid-April, even. We're all prepared here for severe thunderstorms, a little hail, some straight line winds, and plenty of tornadic activity.
It snowed at my house a few days ago.
Snow.
In mid-April.
What the hell? It's been rainy (which is nice, and not unexpected), but we're not supposed to be getting snow and near freezing temperatures here in the middle of the country in April. I should have my windows thrown open to catch the breezes, smelling my lovely lilac bushes...but you know what? MY LILACS ARE NEARLY DEAD because of you. Thatblood sap is on your hands.
And my heater is on. It's frigging cold.
Please pull your head out of your ass and wipe the shit from your eyes & put things back to normal.
The basement is all prepared for a tornado. We're waiting.
Sincerely,
A concerned inhabitant of Planet Earth
Dear KFC drive-thru girl,
I don't think that you're actually supposed to have the microphone IN your mouth when working the drive-thru window.
Just a little FYI.
Sincerely,
The customer who couldn't understand a bloody word you said
Dear Freak Show,
*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*
You bore me. And I laugh when you keep making a giant ass out of yourself.
OH and PS, I'm not the only one laughing.
Sincerely,
Monty
4 out of 5 skanky hos surveyed agreed that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones.
Yo' girl, whassup? I'd like to point out that this is the second time I've had to contact you in order to set some things straight.
Now, I'd like to know...have you gone off your meds again? Is it global warming? Is Al Gore putting too much pressure on you?
Because you do realize, I'm sure, that it's April. Mid-April, even. We're all prepared here for severe thunderstorms, a little hail, some straight line winds, and plenty of tornadic activity.
It snowed at my house a few days ago.
Snow.
In mid-April.
What the hell? It's been rainy (which is nice, and not unexpected), but we're not supposed to be getting snow and near freezing temperatures here in the middle of the country in April. I should have my windows thrown open to catch the breezes, smelling my lovely lilac bushes...but you know what? MY LILACS ARE NEARLY DEAD because of you. That
And my heater is on. It's frigging cold.
Please pull your head out of your ass and wipe the shit from your eyes & put things back to normal.
The basement is all prepared for a tornado. We're waiting.
Sincerely,
A concerned inhabitant of Planet Earth
Dear KFC drive-thru girl,
I don't think that you're actually supposed to have the microphone IN your mouth when working the drive-thru window.
Just a little FYI.
Sincerely,
The customer who couldn't understand a bloody word you said
Dear Freak Show,
*yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*
You bore me. And I laugh when you keep making a giant ass out of yourself.
OH and PS, I'm not the only one laughing.
Sincerely,
Monty
4 out of 5 skanky hos surveyed agreed that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
UPDATE your ITUNES!!
and help us launch a brand new station!
NEW VIBE. NEW STATION.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC
The launch party promises to be filled with good music and fun...
COME ON. JOIN THE EMPIRE.
Then join me next Friday (4/20) at 9pm Central for Friday Night Live with Monty!
New night. New time. New station.
Same old me.
**NOT in ANY WAY affiliated with any other stations that may have been here previously.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I didn't see my name in the obits, so I decided to get out of bed
The number 39 looms larger in my mind every day. And there are only !8! days left.
THIRTY.NINE.
Probably it's because if you do the math correctly and don't cheat, that's only one year away from
FORTY
Forty
Forty
Forty.
See how it echoes?
Somebody just shoot me now.
Well, okay, maybe not exactly now.
You can wait until just after the party.
You are giving me a birthday party, are you not?
I promise, I'll act surprised.
I so often want to take the high road...but I can only manage to climb as far as my high horse.
THIRTY.NINE.
Probably it's because if you do the math correctly and don't cheat, that's only one year away from
FORTY
Forty
Forty
Forty.
See how it echoes?
Somebody just shoot me now.
Well, okay, maybe not exactly now.
You can wait until just after the party.
You are giving me a birthday party, are you not?
I promise, I'll act surprised.
I so often want to take the high road...but I can only manage to climb as far as my high horse.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Brain Soup. Hungry?
Nearly everyone thinks that they have a great sense of humor...but a lot of them are just fooling themselves.
My sense of humor is often so bizarre that even I don't get it.
and now for something completely different...
Did you ever go waaay back and read your first ever post? Or the ones from two years ago? Last year?
And you don't even recognize your own words or writing style?
Or is that just me?
Sometimes I think hey, that was bloody clever/funny/brilliant!...
but usually just think hey, what a pantload of crap.
Yesterday I discovered that the Hot Fudge Oreo shake from The Crack House is--just as I suspected--not hot at all.
But it is incredibly delicious.
Be jealous.
and now for something completely different.
Sometimes I get a little sad when I stop to wonder how much longer I have until...
she decides she's "too old" to hold my hand in public...
she doesn't need me to come in and kiss her goodnight...
she gets embarrassed to kiss me and say "Love you, Ma" in front of her friends...
she starts shutting her bedroom door and shutting me out...
she doesn't want to tell me about her day...
she forgets to give me the lookback/wave/kiss-blow as I watch her walk down the street on her way to school...
I have to let go...
If I could save time in a bottle...
My sense of humor is often so bizarre that even I don't get it.
and now for something completely different...
Did you ever go waaay back and read your first ever post? Or the ones from two years ago? Last year?
And you don't even recognize your own words or writing style?
Or is that just me?
Sometimes I think hey, that was bloody clever/funny/brilliant!...
but usually just think hey, what a pantload of crap.
Yesterday I discovered that the Hot Fudge Oreo shake from The Crack House is--just as I suspected--not hot at all.
But it is incredibly delicious.
Be jealous.
and now for something completely different.
Sometimes I get a little sad when I stop to wonder how much longer I have until...
she decides she's "too old" to hold my hand in public...
she doesn't need me to come in and kiss her goodnight...
she gets embarrassed to kiss me and say "Love you, Ma" in front of her friends...
she starts shutting her bedroom door and shutting me out...
she doesn't want to tell me about her day...
she forgets to give me the lookback/wave/kiss-blow as I watch her walk down the street on her way to school...
I have to let go...
If I could save time in a bottle...
Monday, April 09, 2007
From this morning's Drudge Report
READ THE WHOLE STORY about "A Call for Manners in the World of Nasty Blogs".
Basically it seems to boil down to this: some people think that deleting ugly/rude/nasty comments left by 'trolls' smacks of denying the right to free speech.
Other bloggers think that a code of conduct is in order.
"Bloggers could then pick a set of principles and post the corresponding badge on their page, to indicate to readers what kind of behavior and dialogue they will engage in and tolerate. The whole system would be voluntary, relying on the community to police itself."
What do I think? I think those "prominent" bloggers that the article speaks of would get hate-mail either way.
People are jealous of others' successes (I'm often jealous, so I know), and will try to torment them.
Do I need a "badge" to advertise what I'll put up with and what I won't?
No, you'll find out quick enough if you cross a line with me.
And what about those bloggers (I know that you've run across them from time to time as well!) who think that ANY comment/remark that is in disagreement with their own opinion is a "troll" comment?
I've left comments that weren't particularly..."nice", I guess...but they weren't trollish either. Just my take on what the person had to say. TWICE one of my LiveJournal friends has taken down a post because she didn't like my comment--and frankly, she's not the only one who's done that. Then she re-posted the entry later...sans my comment. She doesn't particularly like comments that don't feed her ego. Hey, that's her right...even though it made me feel like a troll. My solution is/was to stay away from her blog.
So far *knock wood* *taptaptap*, the only comments I've deleted are the ones offering me Viagra or Cialis...but if I want to delete something, I will--whether or not it's right or wrong. I don't see any need to discuss that with you first.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Blogs are like titty bars. If you don't like what they've got on display, don't go there.
Seems pretty simple to me.
Your opinions? What do you think--do we bloggers need a "Code Of Conduct"? And if it's instituted, do you think it will actually be respected or do any good?
Basically it seems to boil down to this: some people think that deleting ugly/rude/nasty comments left by 'trolls' smacks of denying the right to free speech.
Other bloggers think that a code of conduct is in order.
"Bloggers could then pick a set of principles and post the corresponding badge on their page, to indicate to readers what kind of behavior and dialogue they will engage in and tolerate. The whole system would be voluntary, relying on the community to police itself."
What do I think? I think those "prominent" bloggers that the article speaks of would get hate-mail either way.
People are jealous of others' successes (I'm often jealous, so I know), and will try to torment them.
Do I need a "badge" to advertise what I'll put up with and what I won't?
No, you'll find out quick enough if you cross a line with me.
And what about those bloggers (I know that you've run across them from time to time as well!) who think that ANY comment/remark that is in disagreement with their own opinion is a "troll" comment?
I've left comments that weren't particularly..."nice", I guess...but they weren't trollish either. Just my take on what the person had to say. TWICE one of my LiveJournal friends has taken down a post because she didn't like my comment--and frankly, she's not the only one who's done that. Then she re-posted the entry later...sans my comment. She doesn't particularly like comments that don't feed her ego. Hey, that's her right...even though it made me feel like a troll. My solution is/was to stay away from her blog.
So far *knock wood* *taptaptap*, the only comments I've deleted are the ones offering me Viagra or Cialis...but if I want to delete something, I will--whether or not it's right or wrong. I don't see any need to discuss that with you first.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Blogs are like titty bars. If you don't like what they've got on display, don't go there.
Seems pretty simple to me.
Your opinions? What do you think--do we bloggers need a "Code Of Conduct"? And if it's instituted, do you think it will actually be respected or do any good?
Saturday, April 07, 2007
I hope your Piggy Banks are filling up!
Just a reminder that BLOGATHON 2007 is only a couple-three months away!
I want to make sure that you've been saving your pennies...and if you haven't, you can start now.
Here's what I do: I keep a coffee can on the dining room table, and every evening before bed I put in all the change that has accumulated in my pockets and purse throughout the day.
I encourage you to do the same.
Most likely I will be blogging for United Cerebral Palsy again, since--as you may be aware--that's what my son's got. CP, that is.
Now, as to the bribes for this year...
Okay, you remember all the silly songs I did last year?
Well, since I do so enjoymaking an utter fool of myself entertaining you, and since I am so damn good at it (making a fool of myself, that is)...here's my offer:
When I raise $500, I will sing another White Girl Rap.
If When I make it to $1000, I will sing three songs that will be chosen for me by those who have donated. You'll have to talk amongst yourselves to come up with three that you can agree on.
If we go all the way to $2000...........I will sing all the songs from the movie GREASE.
And should by some miracle I manage to raise $3500, I will sing, just for you, all the songs from The Sound Of Music.
I think that's a fair offer, don't you?
Just something to think about.
Click here to get your own player.
I want to make sure that you've been saving your pennies...and if you haven't, you can start now.
Here's what I do: I keep a coffee can on the dining room table, and every evening before bed I put in all the change that has accumulated in my pockets and purse throughout the day.
I encourage you to do the same.
Most likely I will be blogging for United Cerebral Palsy again, since--as you may be aware--that's what my son's got. CP, that is.
Now, as to the bribes for this year...
Okay, you remember all the silly songs I did last year?
Well, since I do so enjoy
When I raise $500, I will sing another White Girl Rap.
If we go all the way to $2000...........I will sing all the songs from the movie GREASE.
And should by some miracle I manage to raise $3500, I will sing, just for you, all the songs from The Sound Of Music.
I think that's a fair offer, don't you?
Just something to think about.
Click here to get your own player.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.
I LOVE the Subway commercial where the lady in the drive-thru says, "Instead of blubber, can I get some thunder thighs and a badonkadonk butt?"
There's something about the words 'badonkadonk butt' that makes me laugh every time.
Probably it's because I have one.
Sometimes I do the Prince-in-Purple-Rain thingy and talk to myself in the mirror...only I have to use a sock puppet because I don't have one of those groovy pop-up deals.
Okay, it isn't really a sock puppet.
It's just a sock. But still.
Mostly I just say, "What is wrong with you??!??"
Mirror-Me usually just shrugs and says, "Hell if I know."
Stop looking at me like that.
Remember when you were young and you first got contact lenses?
You'd carefully scrub your hands and dry them on a lint-free towel, make sure you had removed any eye makeup (especially the boys)(haha! just kidding, boys!)(well, mostly), and then handle the lenses as gently as plutonium...
Now here it is 20 or so years later & if we get something under our contact in the middle of lunch, we can yank that sucker out & dunk it in our glass of ice water--or pop it in the mouth for a quick spit shine--and have it back in the eye in seconds, all without so much as smearing our eyeliner.
That's the sort of talent that can only come with age.
That is all.
Have a day.
There's something about the words 'badonkadonk butt' that makes me laugh every time.
Probably it's because I have one.
Sometimes I do the Prince-in-Purple-Rain thingy and talk to myself in the mirror...only I have to use a sock puppet because I don't have one of those groovy pop-up deals.
Okay, it isn't really a sock puppet.
It's just a sock. But still.
Mostly I just say, "What is wrong with you??!??"
Mirror-Me usually just shrugs and says, "Hell if I know."
Stop looking at me like that.
Remember when you were young and you first got contact lenses?
You'd carefully scrub your hands and dry them on a lint-free towel, make sure you had removed any eye makeup (especially the boys)(haha! just kidding, boys!)(well, mostly), and then handle the lenses as gently as plutonium...
Now here it is 20 or so years later & if we get something under our contact in the middle of lunch, we can yank that sucker out & dunk it in our glass of ice water--or pop it in the mouth for a quick spit shine--and have it back in the eye in seconds, all without so much as smearing our eyeliner.
That's the sort of talent that can only come with age.
That is all.
Have a day.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Ain't you sweet?
I would like to thank the poor, misguided souls wonderfully fabulous friends who made this possible:
P.S. Voting is open until April 13! My friend Miss Cellania is nominated for funniest blog--and she is! Also be sure to check out my pal Nat from MINI-OBS for best music blog. And if you're looking for a very funny (and a little dirty!) podcast, GOLFWIDOW & ANDY is the one to hear!
Big gaggy tongue kisses to each of you.
Would you believe that after several days of 75-80º weather, we're currently under a FROST warning?
O Spring, why have you flown??
In the interest of inside jokes, I'd just like to say:
CATFISH!
and
JUNE BUG BOY
and
OUT OF THE BLUE...
and
ShitCake Mushrooms
Don't you wish you had an inside joke with me too?
Because then you'd be laughing your ass off right now.
OH, I almost forgot:
Dear Captain Kangaroo,
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Kirk out.
I'm frightened.
In 15 short days, I will be 39 years old.
Hold me.
P.S. Voting is open until April 13! My friend Miss Cellania is nominated for funniest blog--and she is! Also be sure to check out my pal Nat from MINI-OBS for best music blog. And if you're looking for a very funny (and a little dirty!) podcast, GOLFWIDOW & ANDY is the one to hear!
Big gaggy tongue kisses to each of you.
Would you believe that after several days of 75-80º weather, we're currently under a FROST warning?
O Spring, why have you flown??
In the interest of inside jokes, I'd just like to say:
CATFISH!
and
JUNE BUG BOY
and
OUT OF THE BLUE...
and
ShitCake Mushrooms
Don't you wish you had an inside joke with me too?
Because then you'd be laughing your ass off right now.
OH, I almost forgot:
Dear Captain Kangaroo,
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Kirk out.
I'm frightened.
In 15 short days, I will be 39 years old.
Hold me.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Brain Soup Du Tuesday
Stolen kisses are frequently the ones that taste the most delicious.
Actually, that's just a theory--I have no working knowledge of the situation.
Or if I do, I can't remember it.
And sometimes I just like to follow a fine family tradition and make shit up.
Whenever I type the brand name Versace (which is often in my line of work), I hear Elizabeth Berkely's voice from The Worst Movie Ever saying, "It's a Versaaaysse."
Speaking of The Worst Movie Ever...
When I was in the hotel business, many of my colleagues/good friends were gay men. Every time I attended a party at one of their houses, I knew they were going to force me to sit through that movie.And dance a little bit as payment for my drinks
It was the precursor to the pr0n, you know.
Which I sat through willingly.
Speaking of pr0n...
There was this one particular movie we watched at one of those parties (oh seriously, it wasn't an orgy or anything, we watched the movies and made fun of the "dialogue")(and so what if I admired the nude male form)(it was all for art's sake!) and there was this really cheesy scene which involved a pantsless lumberjack-y guy, a donut, a cup of coffee...well, suffice it to say that THAT particular scene made me laugh hysterically every time I thought about it for months afterward.
Hell, it made me laugh just now. O! The Cinema!
Hey, don't act like you never watched the pr0n.
Dear Me,
You know, if you weren't so abrupt with people and--let's face it--a rude assclown half the time...and if you didn't treat some of your friends like shit for no apparent reason, you probably wouldn't have to spend so much time apologizing.
Is all I'm saying.
Think about it.
Love,
Monty
Dear Liar,
I smell smoke. Could it be because your pants are on fire?
Is all I'm wondering.
Love,
Monty
Actually, that's just a theory--I have no working knowledge of the situation.
Or if I do, I can't remember it.
And sometimes I just like to follow a fine family tradition and make shit up.
Whenever I type the brand name Versace (which is often in my line of work), I hear Elizabeth Berkely's voice from The Worst Movie Ever saying, "It's a Versaaaysse."
Speaking of The Worst Movie Ever...
When I was in the hotel business, many of my colleagues/good friends were gay men. Every time I attended a party at one of their houses, I knew they were going to force me to sit through that movie.
It was the precursor to the pr0n, you know.
Which I sat through willingly.
Speaking of pr0n...
There was this one particular movie we watched at one of those parties (oh seriously, it wasn't an orgy or anything, we watched the movies and made fun of the "dialogue")(and so what if I admired the nude male form)(it was all for art's sake!) and there was this really cheesy scene which involved a pantsless lumberjack-y guy, a donut, a cup of coffee...well, suffice it to say that THAT particular scene made me laugh hysterically every time I thought about it for months afterward.
Hell, it made me laugh just now. O! The Cinema!
Hey, don't act like you never watched the pr0n.
Dear Me,
You know, if you weren't so abrupt with people and--let's face it--a rude assclown half the time...and if you didn't treat some of your friends like shit for no apparent reason, you probably wouldn't have to spend so much time apologizing.
Is all I'm saying.
Think about it.
Love,
Monty
Dear Liar,
I smell smoke. Could it be because your pants are on fire?
Is all I'm wondering.
Love,
Monty
Monday, April 02, 2007
Blue Monday
HEY! Voting is finally up for The Best of Blogs (BoB Awards)!
I'm very happy to see that some of the names I submitted for nomination made the list.
Now Go. Read all the blogs. VOTE ONCE A DAY.
Okay, I'd REALLY love to know how my formerly straight-haired son suddenly grew this corkscrewy Greg Brady white boy 'fro.
Can hormones & puberty curl your hair like that?
That is all.
Have a...Monday.
I'm very happy to see that some of the names I submitted for nomination made the list.
Now Go. Read all the blogs. VOTE ONCE A DAY.
Okay, I'd REALLY love to know how my formerly straight-haired son suddenly grew this corkscrewy Greg Brady white boy 'fro.
Can hormones & puberty curl your hair like that?
That is all.
Have a...Monday.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Despite the weather...
...my worst nightmare the Spring Fling must go on!
Yes, yes, the day I've been dreading is here. No matter that there are tornado watches and warnings, with circulations and sirens and the usual OkieLand spring stuff, the date night is here. Bleh.
There is an assload of pictures coming up. I couldn't help myself.
Now, I know all your kids are incredibly beautiful, but come on.
Looka this:
And then take a gander at THIS supermodel(please ignore what I couldn't crop out of her messy room):
Have you EVER in your life seen a cuter face than this???
She's just learned that boys are frequently late (but we gave him a break due to the weather and the fact that his mom was driving)(note the big ass cup from The Crack House *Sonic* on the floor--right now I'm wishing it was brim-full of booze):
And her cute little painted toesies in the shoes that she picked out:
And striking another pose:
And finally, with The Boy (ick)(**note the addition of the corsage!)(dude needs to get his hands off my daughter)(but I forgot to have the shotgun out)
Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go and cry for a little while.
Yes, yes, the day I've been dreading is here. No matter that there are tornado watches and warnings, with circulations and sirens and the usual OkieLand spring stuff, the date night is here. Bleh.
There is an assload of pictures coming up. I couldn't help myself.
Now, I know all your kids are incredibly beautiful, but come on.
Looka this:
And then take a gander at THIS supermodel(please ignore what I couldn't crop out of her messy room):
Have you EVER in your life seen a cuter face than this???
She's just learned that boys are frequently late (but we gave him a break due to the weather and the fact that his mom was driving)(note the big ass cup from The Crack House *Sonic* on the floor--right now I'm wishing it was brim-full of booze):
And her cute little painted toesies in the shoes that she picked out:
And striking another pose:
And finally, with The Boy (ick)(**note the addition of the corsage!)(dude needs to get his hands off my daughter)(but I forgot to have the shotgun out)
Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go and cry for a little while.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
See, now THAT'S funny
**UPDATE!**
Everybody drink, because Gary just said "Deer Creek" about five times.
There is a big circulation there, and possible touchdown.
DRINK!
AND
The Tinker AFB sirens just started screaming at the same time my lights flickered.
Which is weird, because there's no tornadic activity in this area at the moment.
Now I must go stare at the radar screens for awhile.
**UPDATE 2** So far: Oklahoma County, Canadian County, Logan County, Grant County, & Kingfisher County. I'm so going to be drunk before dinnertime.
My horoscope for today:
"It's okay to let down your guard and show all your honest emotions today. When other people have a positive impact on your life, you should let them know. Be prepared to communicate how other people make you feel today, because you will be surrounded by big personalities and bigger acts of generosity. You will experience a wonderful mixture of intimidation, excitement and gratitude. Let these feelings inspire you, and you will be unstoppable."
Everybody drink, because Gary just said "Deer Creek" about five times.
There is a big circulation there, and possible touchdown.
DRINK!
AND
The Tinker AFB sirens just started screaming at the same time my lights flickered.
Which is weird, because there's no tornadic activity in this area at the moment.
Now I must go stare at the radar screens for awhile.
**UPDATE 2** So far: Oklahoma County, Canadian County, Logan County, Grant County, & Kingfisher County. I'm so going to be drunk before dinnertime.
My horoscope for today:
"It's okay to let down your guard and show all your honest emotions today. When other people have a positive impact on your life, you should let them know. Be prepared to communicate how other people make you feel today, because you will be surrounded by big personalities and bigger acts of generosity. You will experience a wonderful mixture of intimidation, excitement and gratitude. Let these feelings inspire you, and you will be unstoppable."
Time to head down cellar
If faced with a choice between two people you love, you choose the one who needs you most.
It's a little bit scary to get a glimpse of what lives in my head, isn't it?
It's a little bit scary for me to let you see it.
I am nothing if not contradictory in nature.
I make no apology for that.
Today is a better day.
Why?
Because it is TORNADO SEASON.
And we've got severe weather headed this way.
There's something almost...sexually exciting...about the charged atmosphere during this time of year here in OkieLand. The weather makes my heart pound and my spirits soar. The black clouds that boil up almost out of nowhere ... driving down the road during a thunderstorm that makes you feel as though you're trapped in an overturned bowl of lightning ... seeing the dark clouds before you and slowly dimming sunshine in the rearview mirror--the contrast amazes me every single time. That spectacular quality of the light when a stray shaft of sunlight beams down with all the black, menacing clouds filling the sky all the way to the horizon and beyond as the backdrop ... it's surreal.
Since Tornado Season has arrived (you should see some of the footage from last night's storms! Awe-inspiring!), it is now time to break out...
The Gary England Drinking Game
Originally posted April 27, 2006
I can sit for HOURS mesmerized by the changing screens of the Doppler radar and NORAD, hypnotized by the weatherman's voice, listening and watching and watching and listening.
There's something about the weathermen that make me feel safe and soothed...because they know JUST what is going to happen, JUST when and JUST where.
I love them with a deep and abiding passion.
I suddenly have a strong need to go hug a weather dude.
So, I stole this from Sleeping Mommy, and if you have ever lived in Oklahoma this game will make perfect sense to you.
Hell, if you've ever visited Oklahoma in the spring or summer, it will make perfect sense to you.
Have fun!
GARY ENGLAND DRINKING GAME
(I left SleepingMommy's comments in parentheses because they made me giggle)(and I strongly suggest that you stock the liquor cabinet or invest in a keg before starting the game)
*Pregame
*1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Castor.
(Monty sez: I choose Hank when I just want a little buzz. He doesn't get as much action)
(Val lives in Stillwater and Gary talks to him CONSTANTLY.)
Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser.
Take four drinks if your storm chaser says “tornado on the ground.”
2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County.
(Because we are always hearing about Pottawatomie County.)
Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county.
Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your county.
*One drink
*1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:
“Hook echo” | “Updraft” | “Metro” | “Doppler radar” | “Wall cloud” |”Ranger 9″ | “Underground” | “Mobile home”
2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list.
(Oklahoma has 77 counties but somehow they all get mentioned at some point.)
3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program.
Take one drink if Gary says “You’re not missing any of [program name].” (This is a major concern damnit!)
Take one drink when Gary says “We’ll keep you advised.” (Like we had any doubt that you wouldn’t.)
*Two drinks
*1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:
“Baseball-sized hail” | “Waterloo Road” | “Pottawatomie County” | “Deer Creek High School” (How many times has that high school been hit anyway?!?)
2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:
Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici |Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah (The only one that is even slightly big is Altus.)
3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Castor. (Now we are gonna get really drunk!)
*Three drinks
*1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Castor.
2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.
3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:
“Immediate tornado precautions” | “National Weather Service” | “Mesocyclone” | “Portable Radio” | “Take shelter” | “Tornado warning in effect until …”
*Four drinks
*1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel. (Notice it doesn’t say when it lands to take cover, we don’t land our aircraft in a tornado around here, we fly AROUND them.)
2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized by the NWS (He’s a renegade that way) or says the following:
“Will someone please answer that phone?” (He takes this stuff seriously damn it, answer the phone.) or “Do you see the power flashes?”
3. Take four drinks if a shirt-less tornado victim is interviewed. (Redneck land, yo. There is a reason I get dressed and put on shoes when a storm is in the vicinity.)
*Finish your drink
*1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary mentions the cross streets nearest to you.
2. If Gary says “We’ve lost Val,” pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink. (Poor Val…)
If THAT won't get you drunk, it can't be done.
Now I've got to go move all the crap that lives on top of my cellar door, which for some odd reason (although I'm grateful!) is set into the floor of my bedroom.
OH and PS: I'd like to thank all you smartasses who sent email with "Were you talking to ME?" messages. And yes, you're absolutely correct--you DO know me well enough to know that it would make me laugh.
It's a little bit scary to get a glimpse of what lives in my head, isn't it?
It's a little bit scary for me to let you see it.
I am nothing if not contradictory in nature.
I make no apology for that.
Today is a better day.
Why?
Because it is TORNADO SEASON.
And we've got severe weather headed this way.
There's something almost...sexually exciting...about the charged atmosphere during this time of year here in OkieLand. The weather makes my heart pound and my spirits soar. The black clouds that boil up almost out of nowhere ... driving down the road during a thunderstorm that makes you feel as though you're trapped in an overturned bowl of lightning ... seeing the dark clouds before you and slowly dimming sunshine in the rearview mirror--the contrast amazes me every single time. That spectacular quality of the light when a stray shaft of sunlight beams down with all the black, menacing clouds filling the sky all the way to the horizon and beyond as the backdrop ... it's surreal.
Since Tornado Season has arrived (you should see some of the footage from last night's storms! Awe-inspiring!), it is now time to break out...
The Gary England Drinking Game
Originally posted April 27, 2006
I can sit for HOURS mesmerized by the changing screens of the Doppler radar and NORAD, hypnotized by the weatherman's voice, listening and watching and watching and listening.
There's something about the weathermen that make me feel safe and soothed...because they know JUST what is going to happen, JUST when and JUST where.
I love them with a deep and abiding passion.
I suddenly have a strong need to go hug a weather dude.
So, I stole this from Sleeping Mommy, and if you have ever lived in Oklahoma this game will make perfect sense to you.
Hell, if you've ever visited Oklahoma in the spring or summer, it will make perfect sense to you.
Have fun!
(I left SleepingMommy's comments in parentheses because they made me giggle)(and I strongly suggest that you stock the liquor cabinet or invest in a keg before starting the game)
*1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Castor.
(Monty sez: I choose Hank when I just want a little buzz. He doesn't get as much action)
(Val lives in Stillwater and Gary talks to him CONSTANTLY.)
Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser.
Take four drinks if your storm chaser says “tornado on the ground.”
2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County.
(Because we are always hearing about Pottawatomie County.)
Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county.
Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your county.
*1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:
“Hook echo” | “Updraft” | “Metro” | “Doppler radar” | “Wall cloud” |”Ranger 9″ | “Underground” | “Mobile home”
2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list.
(Oklahoma has 77 counties but somehow they all get mentioned at some point.)
3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program.
Take one drink if Gary says “You’re not missing any of [program name].” (This is a major concern damnit!)
Take one drink when Gary says “We’ll keep you advised.” (Like we had any doubt that you wouldn’t.)
*1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:
“Baseball-sized hail” | “Waterloo Road” | “Pottawatomie County” | “Deer Creek High School” (How many times has that high school been hit anyway?!?)
2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:
Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici |Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah (The only one that is even slightly big is Altus.)
3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Castor. (Now we are gonna get really drunk!)
*1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Castor.
2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.
3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:
“Immediate tornado precautions” | “National Weather Service” | “Mesocyclone” | “Portable Radio” | “Take shelter” | “Tornado warning in effect until …”
*1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel. (Notice it doesn’t say when it lands to take cover, we don’t land our aircraft in a tornado around here, we fly AROUND them.)
2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized by the NWS (He’s a renegade that way) or says the following:
“Will someone please answer that phone?” (He takes this stuff seriously damn it, answer the phone.) or “Do you see the power flashes?”
3. Take four drinks if a shirt-less tornado victim is interviewed. (Redneck land, yo. There is a reason I get dressed and put on shoes when a storm is in the vicinity.)
*1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary mentions the cross streets nearest to you.
2. If Gary says “We’ve lost Val,” pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink. (Poor Val…)
If THAT won't get you drunk, it can't be done.
Now I've got to go move all the crap that lives on top of my cellar door, which for some odd reason (although I'm grateful!) is set into the floor of my bedroom.
OH and PS: I'd like to thank all you smartasses who sent email with "Were you talking to ME?" messages. And yes, you're absolutely correct--you DO know me well enough to know that it would make me laugh.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Brain Soup Gumbo
That we care is both our blessing and our curse.
Unburdening.
Because it wouldn't fall into a cohesive form, no matter how I tried.
I do not like the fact that I have begun to censor myself/because there are people who don't get it/this place/this space/is for me/and me/and me/what I think/what I feel/my opinions/my take/my everything/and I don't care if you agree/or have the same opinion as I do/and I don't always expect you to/even though, naturally, it's much more pleasant when you do/but still/this is my selfish space/and I do not understand why there are still those one or two or three peole who do not get it/who try to take my words and make it about themselves/when there are things I would say/or share/that those few would take as a personal affront/when in all likelyhood it had nothing whatever to do with them/and I can't decide if those people are incredibly conceited/or suffer from a more enormous guilt complex than I have myself/but it doesn't seem right that I must continually stroke/stroke/stroke/soothe/soothe/soothe/hurt feelings when no hurt was intended/it is not/can NOT be/my responsibility as to how they feel/and if a person feels bad because of something I have written/it is not my fault/unless of course I call you by name, in which case I'm totally willing to take the blame/I have decided that it is NOT necessary to submit myself for approval/so I would appreciate it if those people would think of this place like a strip joint/if you don't like what we show here, don't come/I think that's fair enough/and in other news/I do not like hurting those I care for/but I have managed to hurt a few lately/and there are others who are going to be hurt/because of my actions-or inactions/and that makes me very sad/even though I've been told it's unavoidable/and I so desperately want to avoid it anyway/and I've tried to come up with solutions/but evidently those solutions that seem relatively reasonable for me/even though it's a half-ass compromise/are not agreeable/and once someone chased me with a junebug/and I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour/and it wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now/and if you taunt people with their strongest fears you're not only cruel, you're a bully/and somewhat of an asshat/and OH NO now I know that there are those who will take THAT personally/even though it's something that has been in my drafts for about a year/and has to do only with me being chased by a cruel bully asshat/so I've decided that the next time someone wants to know if something I've written was directed toward them/I'm simply going to say "yes". Even if that's a lie.
I've got all my fingers crossed that the PMS will be over soon.
Unburdening.
Because it wouldn't fall into a cohesive form, no matter how I tried.
I do not like the fact that I have begun to censor myself/because there are people who don't get it/this place/this space/is for me/and me/and me/what I think/what I feel/my opinions/my take/my everything/and I don't care if you agree/or have the same opinion as I do/and I don't always expect you to/even though, naturally, it's much more pleasant when you do/but still/this is my selfish space/and I do not understand why there are still those one or two or three peole who do not get it/who try to take my words and make it about themselves/when there are things I would say/or share/that those few would take as a personal affront/when in all likelyhood it had nothing whatever to do with them/and I can't decide if those people are incredibly conceited/or suffer from a more enormous guilt complex than I have myself/but it doesn't seem right that I must continually stroke/stroke/stroke/soothe/soothe/soothe/hurt feelings when no hurt was intended/it is not/can NOT be/my responsibility as to how they feel/and if a person feels bad because of something I have written/it is not my fault/unless of course I call you by name, in which case I'm totally willing to take the blame/I have decided that it is NOT necessary to submit myself for approval/so I would appreciate it if those people would think of this place like a strip joint/if you don't like what we show here, don't come/I think that's fair enough/and in other news/I do not like hurting those I care for/but I have managed to hurt a few lately/and there are others who are going to be hurt/because of my actions-or inactions/and that makes me very sad/even though I've been told it's unavoidable/and I so desperately want to avoid it anyway/and I've tried to come up with solutions/but evidently those solutions that seem relatively reasonable for me/even though it's a half-ass compromise/are not agreeable/and once someone chased me with a junebug/and I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour/and it wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now/and if you taunt people with their strongest fears you're not only cruel, you're a bully/and somewhat of an asshat/and OH NO now I know that there are those who will take THAT personally/even though it's something that has been in my drafts for about a year/and has to do only with me being chased by a cruel bully asshat/so I've decided that the next time someone wants to know if something I've written was directed toward them/I'm simply going to say "yes". Even if that's a lie.
I've got all my fingers crossed that the PMS will be over soon.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Love That Monday
"Everybody hates me!"
"Don't be ridiculous. Everybody hasn't met you yet."
Did you miss the SEASON FINALE??
Never fear -- download it HERE!
Sometimes it's tough to weigh the advantages of speaking your mind against not hurting a person's feelings, because the person would take offense whether you meant it for them or not.
Sometimes when I glance at the word Shiitake, my eyes read ShitCake.
I have no idea why this is so.
I have managed to entangle myself in a sticky situation, from which I have no idea how to extricate myself.
Why is it that some people say, "I have to be honest..." but when you try to be honest right back, they get bent?
I could totally go for some Ben & Jerry's right now.
I am really, really sick and tired of appeasing people simply because they're either completely paranoid or so puffed up with self-importance that they think my every waking thought is consumed by them.
NEWSFLASH: My every thought is NOT about YOU. (well, maybe one or two of you, but those are really dirty thoughts so that doesn't count)
I admire people when they have an...epiphany, or revelation, or self-realization.
I'm all GO YOU! That's GREAT! *support support support*
Except when they have the exact same revelation every few months and still haven't done anything about it.
Seriously? It's not news anymore.
Exactly how many times can you say the 'zact same thing over & over? I'm guessing I'll find out.
When exactly did I turn into Crabby McCrabberson?
I'd become a hermit, but that would be like shutting the barn door after the cow's already out.
Tuesday, please hurry.
"Don't be ridiculous. Everybody hasn't met you yet."
Did you miss the SEASON FINALE??
Never fear -- download it HERE!
Sometimes it's tough to weigh the advantages of speaking your mind against not hurting a person's feelings, because the person would take offense whether you meant it for them or not.
Sometimes when I glance at the word Shiitake, my eyes read ShitCake.
I have no idea why this is so.
I have managed to entangle myself in a sticky situation, from which I have no idea how to extricate myself.
Why is it that some people say, "I have to be honest..." but when you try to be honest right back, they get bent?
I could totally go for some Ben & Jerry's right now.
I am really, really sick and tired of appeasing people simply because they're either completely paranoid or so puffed up with self-importance that they think my every waking thought is consumed by them.
NEWSFLASH: My every thought is NOT about YOU. (well, maybe one or two of you, but those are really dirty thoughts so that doesn't count)
I admire people when they have an...epiphany, or revelation, or self-realization.
I'm all GO YOU! That's GREAT! *support support support*
Except when they have the exact same revelation every few months and still haven't done anything about it.
Seriously? It's not news anymore.
Exactly how many times can you say the 'zact same thing over & over? I'm guessing I'll find out.
When exactly did I turn into Crabby McCrabberson?
I'd become a hermit, but that would be like shutting the barn door after the cow's already out.
Tuesday, please hurry.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Busted
This past weekend the kids and I went to my friend's house for dinner, and my friend mentioned reading about my daughter's upcoming Spring Fling thingy.
She mentioned that she read it here.
My daughter gave me A Look and said, "MOOOOOM! You posted about my date on your BLOOOOOOG??"
Whoops.
Last week as I was driving down the highway I saw one of my favorite ex-boyfriends.
Or rather, he saw me.
Or rather, he cut me off and waved to get my attention, then pulled into the next lane and slowed down until we were...window to window.
And grinned at me.
He still makes all the spit in my mouth dry up.
Monday, March 19, 2007
In case...
...you weren't listening last night. Here's your second chance.
Oh, and CALL ME! 206-66-MOJO-1
You know you want to.
Click here to get your own player.
Oh, and CALL ME! 206-66-MOJO-1
You know you want to.
Click here to get your own player.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Friday Thoughts
If I were forced to marry tomorrow and I could choose any celebrity I wanted...
I'd marry Craig Ferguson.
I love him.
Love.Love.LOVE HIM.
He makes me laugh a lot.
If I were ever in his audience on the Late Late Show, I would throw my panties on the stage.
Of course, he'd most probably be terrified at the piece of white cotton approximately the size of a mainsail hurtling toward him.
So maybe that's not such a good idea after all.
Helpful Hints
A few suggestions for parents who are concerned about leaving their child/children home alone for the first time (they've worked out for me so far, and I gave some of them to MommaK recently and since she didn't post about her house burning down or anything, I guess they worked out okay for her too):
1. Show the children where the fire extinguisher is kept, in case they start a fire while playing with matches.
2. Teach them how to tie a proper tourniquet in case they cut themselves (or each other) while playing with knives.
3. Point out the proper dosage of Pepto Bismol to take after they've eaten 27 Fudgsicles for dinner.
4. Show them how to hide the evidence of keggers.
5. Teach them how to delete the cookies & temp files on the computer so you won't know they've been surfing porn sites.
6. Leave the medicated ointment available in case they burn themselves messing with the stove.
7. 911. 'Nuff said.
If you follow these suggestions, you should be able to feel comfortable leaving your children at home. And with luck, your house will still be standing upon your return.
No need to thank me. Really.
I'd marry Craig Ferguson.
I love him.
Love.Love.LOVE HIM.
He makes me laugh a lot.
If I were ever in his audience on the Late Late Show, I would throw my panties on the stage.
Of course, he'd most probably be terrified at the piece of white cotton approximately the size of a mainsail hurtling toward him.
So maybe that's not such a good idea after all.
Helpful Hints
A few suggestions for parents who are concerned about leaving their child/children home alone for the first time (they've worked out for me so far, and I gave some of them to MommaK recently and since she didn't post about her house burning down or anything, I guess they worked out okay for her too):
1. Show the children where the fire extinguisher is kept, in case they start a fire while playing with matches.
2. Teach them how to tie a proper tourniquet in case they cut themselves (or each other) while playing with knives.
3. Point out the proper dosage of Pepto Bismol to take after they've eaten 27 Fudgsicles for dinner.
4. Show them how to hide the evidence of keggers.
5. Teach them how to delete the cookies & temp files on the computer so you won't know they've been surfing porn sites.
6. Leave the medicated ointment available in case they burn themselves messing with the stove.
7. 911. 'Nuff said.
If you follow these suggestions, you should be able to feel comfortable leaving your children at home. And with luck, your house will still be standing upon your return.
No need to thank me. Really.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
You know...
...if I were a different kind of person, I would say things like
If you know what steps you need to take to make the change, if you have the ability and means to take those steps, and you say you REALLY REALLY want to make the change, how stupid do you have to be not to at least put a toe over the line? Take a baby step?
and
Fo' reals yo, dawg, grow up. Get over yourself. You makin' me tired.
**I neglected to mention that I would also be saying these very things to myself.
***No, this was not directed at you.
Whilst in the middle ofdaydreaming heavy thinking on the way to work today, I (once again) took the wrong exit.
This seems to happen to me with amazing regularity.
I suffer from an overwhelming fear of being crushed whenever I happen to be exactly between two semi trucks on the highway.
It's the only thing that's ever made me claustrophobic.
NOW there's dinner at the boy's house before the Spring Fling.
This does not bode well. For me, I mean.
Say, you forgot to call me! 206-66-MOJO-1.
What is ya, chicken??!??
That is all.
Have a day.
And stop stealing my stuff.
You know who you are.
If you know what steps you need to take to make the change, if you have the ability and means to take those steps, and you say you REALLY REALLY want to make the change, how stupid do you have to be not to at least put a toe over the line? Take a baby step?
and
Fo' reals yo, dawg, grow up. Get over yourself. You makin' me tired.
**I neglected to mention that I would also be saying these very things to myself.
***No, this was not directed at you.
Whilst in the middle of
This seems to happen to me with amazing regularity.
I suffer from an overwhelming fear of being crushed whenever I happen to be exactly between two semi trucks on the highway.
It's the only thing that's ever made me claustrophobic.
NOW there's dinner at the boy's house before the Spring Fling.
This does not bode well. For me, I mean.
Say, you forgot to call me! 206-66-MOJO-1.
What is ya, chicken??!??
That is all.
Have a day.
And stop stealing my stuff.
You know who you are.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Mothers and daughters
My daughter was in the kitchen rummaging for an after-school snack and I asked her a question...
and she answered me with a belch.
I mean she did the belch-talk thing.
On purpose.
I had to wipe a proud tear from my eye.
Yesterday she came home from school bubbling over about the Spring Fling dance.
I told her she could probably go, if she didn't get in my bad books & get grounded before then.
Then.
She said.
A.
Boy.
ASKED HER TO GO.
WITH HIM.
To the dance.
Astinky nasty disgusting dirty boy, for crap's sake.
I'm SO not ready for that.
WhywhyWHY didn't I send her to the convent like I planned?
I think I'm having a panic attack.
P.S. Where can I get a shotgun?
P.P.S. I don't need ammunition, I just want to look threatening.
and she answered me with a belch.
I mean she did the belch-talk thing.
On purpose.
I had to wipe a proud tear from my eye.
Yesterday she came home from school bubbling over about the Spring Fling dance.
I told her she could probably go, if she didn't get in my bad books & get grounded before then.
Then.
She said.
A.
Boy.
ASKED HER TO GO.
WITH HIM.
To the dance.
A
I'm SO not ready for that.
WhywhyWHY didn't I send her to the convent like I planned?
I think I'm having a panic attack.
P.S. Where can I get a shotgun?
P.P.S. I don't need ammunition, I just want to look threatening.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
HURRY!!
It's almost time...
...to GET YOUR MOJO WORKIN'!
Tonight: No theme, just fab music with lots of 70's hits (no, not disco hits. The OTHER 70's music)
PLUS!
Reality TV UPDATE: Survivor, American Idol, Amazing Race
Your horoscope
More fun than one person can handle
Tonight. 8pm CENTRAL
Tune it in. TURN IT UP.
See you there.
Or else.
Tonight: No theme, just fab music with lots of 70's hits (no, not disco hits. The OTHER 70's music)
PLUS!
Reality TV UPDATE: Survivor, American Idol, Amazing Race
Your horoscope
More fun than one person can handle
Tonight. 8pm CENTRAL
Tune it in. TURN IT UP.
See you there.
Or else.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Good news!
Last week I discovered that I am, in fact, Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.
Not that there was ever really any doubt.
Much.
Help me out here, because I may be overreactingas usual.
Since beginning work in fractions, my daughter has been doing very poorly in math. Every week I have to sign several papers for the teacher-everything under a 70%.
I sent a note to the teacher--quite politely--and said that since Becca apparently doesn't understand the fraction thing very well, perhaps she could take a little time to go over it with her and give her a little extra attention in this area.
Two days later I get a note that says, "I've spoken to Mrs. K and she has a tutoring spot available."
To the tune of $10 for 30 minutes.
To teach Becca something she's already being paid to teach her.
Now before you eat me, I'm all for tutoring if needed. And I know that many educators are seriously underpaid (and, if you ask me--which you didn't--a few of them are seriously OVERpaid for what they do).
Maybe it's just because I loathe my daughter's school, and that's coloring my view, but to a poor gal like me that's an excessive amount.
I'm willing to admit that I could be wrong, and I just don't like my daughter's teachers.
Like two weeks ago, when my daughter missed Thursday & Friday because she had the flu.
She went back on Monday last week, and went around to her teachers getting her make-up assignments.
The language teacher said, "Don't ask me right now, I'll get it for you during your class time."
During class time, "I'll have to look it up & get it to you before class is over."
Near the end of class, "SIT DOWN."
At the end of class, "IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SCREAM."
And Becca came home withOUT the language assignment.
Now, it seems to me that my daughter was just trying to be responsible and get all her homework (mostly so she wouldn't get into trouble with me).
And the teacher, the adult, did NOT hold up her end of the responsibility bar.
But see, I'm on the defensive every time I have to deal with her school, just because they've got a pantload of teachers who...don't seem to care about the students and instead have designated times for "active teaching" (THEIR term), and the rest is seatwork. And busywork. It took Becca a full week (plus weekend) to make up all the work that she missed those two days--because of the daily homework load.
Sorry, but in fifth grade I think the time is long past for coloring by numbers.
But I could be wrong. Maybe I don't get it.
Not that there was ever really any doubt.
Much.
Help me out here, because I may be overreacting
Since beginning work in fractions, my daughter has been doing very poorly in math. Every week I have to sign several papers for the teacher-everything under a 70%.
I sent a note to the teacher--quite politely--and said that since Becca apparently doesn't understand the fraction thing very well, perhaps she could take a little time to go over it with her and give her a little extra attention in this area.
Two days later I get a note that says, "I've spoken to Mrs. K and she has a tutoring spot available."
To the tune of $10 for 30 minutes.
To teach Becca something she's already being paid to teach her.
Now before you eat me, I'm all for tutoring if needed. And I know that many educators are seriously underpaid (and, if you ask me--which you didn't--a few of them are seriously OVERpaid for what they do).
Maybe it's just because I loathe my daughter's school, and that's coloring my view, but to a poor gal like me that's an excessive amount.
I'm willing to admit that I could be wrong, and I just don't like my daughter's teachers.
Like two weeks ago, when my daughter missed Thursday & Friday because she had the flu.
She went back on Monday last week, and went around to her teachers getting her make-up assignments.
The language teacher said, "Don't ask me right now, I'll get it for you during your class time."
During class time, "I'll have to look it up & get it to you before class is over."
Near the end of class, "SIT DOWN."
At the end of class, "IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SCREAM."
And Becca came home withOUT the language assignment.
Now, it seems to me that my daughter was just trying to be responsible and get all her homework (mostly so she wouldn't get into trouble with me).
And the teacher, the adult, did NOT hold up her end of the responsibility bar.
But see, I'm on the defensive every time I have to deal with her school, just because they've got a pantload of teachers who...don't seem to care about the students and instead have designated times for "active teaching" (THEIR term), and the rest is seatwork. And busywork. It took Becca a full week (plus weekend) to make up all the work that she missed those two days--because of the daily homework load.
Sorry, but in fifth grade I think the time is long past for coloring by numbers.
But I could be wrong. Maybe I don't get it.
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