MishMash

Is it weird that whenever I hear the first line of Heart and Soul by T'Pau, my mind turns it into:

"Somethin' in the moonlight catches my eye...

...and drags it 15 feet."

And out of habit I say things like "What's that in the road...a head?"
Okay, it's better if you can hear it.

I can't help it.

---

Yesterday our state had rain, snow, sunshine and tornadoes.
All at the same time.

Must've been the first day of spring.

---

I'm goin' on a road trip and you are nooooooot
and
I'm goin' to stay with Jules and you are nooooooot
and
I'm going to go see Ivy and you are nooooooot.

HAHA!

---

Thus endeth the juvenile portion of our program.

Oh, wait.

I have one more butt-wiggle and a couple of tongue stick-outs left.

---

There.

NOW endeth the juvenile portion of our program.

---

FOR THE BOYS
**I stole this from Gidget:

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put >it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us >complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the >tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's >what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

---

That is all.

Picture This. A Continuation

**Clickit. Janet the Tenant. Nice Irish Girl. Single. Blonde. HOT! (I've seen pictures)

---

Things that make me laugh...

"...I look around the courtroom, smile at the ladies...it was like I had a beard made out of POOP!"~~Alec Baldwin as Saddam Hussein, SNL

Whose Line Is It Anyway?.
If I could just find a (non-cable) channel that showed it 24/7, I'd be happy. Especially when they play Sound Effects with the audience members.
That sometimes makes me laugh so hard I pee my pants a little.
Oh, and I ♥ Brad Sherwood 4Evs


And This Guy.
Check out some of the comic strips. Keep scrolling.
These also made me laugh so hard I peed my pants a little.

---

The Image Game
Who is up today? I shall use my foolproof scientific method to choose...
Close eyes.
Point.
Click.

1. IVY: she strikes me as WHIMSICAL
2. RAEHAN: If you know her at all, you'd say she's NURTURING
3. TIM: He's definitely PHILOSOPHICAL
4. JIM: SUBSTANTIAL (meaning of substance)
5. Last but not least, KEVIN: is so very HIP

Who is playing today?


leave a comment if you're playing, so I can share the link love.

Thursday BitchFest

Dear Guy In Charge Of Time-Slots on Channel 9~

Please stop screwing around with my shows.
Put AMAZING RACE back on at its normal time, 8pm.
The past two episodes have been shown at the unacceptable time of 9pm, which interferes with my viewing of BOSTON LEGAL.
I do not like to miss my Denny Crane.

Fix it.

I'll tell you the same thing I tell my kids: "Don't mess with shit!" or sometimes "Leave shit alone!".

Is all I'm saying.

Sincerely,
A TV Watcher

---

Dear Survivor Show~

What the hell? You messed me up with the whole Wednesday show this week; NOW you say that you're not even going to be on next week.

What's up? Do you enjoy making me crazy?

People seriously need to stop messing with my tv schedule. I'm getting pissed.

Sincerely,
A Fan (for the moment)

---

Dear Petroleum Companies~

A possible malfunction at a single refinery in the Virgin Islands is no reason to hijack us (again) at the pump...like the 10 cent increase we've experienced in the last 15 hours.
You dirty rat bastards.

Don't make me come over there.

Sincerely,
A Disgruntled Consumer

---

Dear World~

Friday is St. Patrick's Day.
I am Irish. I am not obligated to wear green.
If you are one of those freaks who will dare to pinch me for not wearing green on Friday, you will be wearing your ass for a hat.

I'm not even kidding.

Sincerely,
A Foin Irish Lass

---

Have a day.
That is all.

Wednesday Ad Circular

**Make sure you visit my newest tenant~a loooooong time favorite of mine~Janet, at The Art Of Getting By. If you aren't a regular visitor at her place, you should be. She's a runner up for Best Overall in the BoB awards, and she's always got something entertaining on tap.
Heah me now and believe me latuh...
Now GO already, wouldja?

---

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH!

---

Plugging for the BossLady...

Spring is about to spring~are YOU ready?
1. NEW SWIMSUITS! La Perla, Gottex, Christian LaCroix, Tommy Bahama, MORE!

2. Artsy Fartsy SHIRTS! Glima, Custo Barcelona, Skinny Minnie, Mechant, Anthropologie...

3. Vintage Clothes

4.Women's Skirt Suits, Dress Suits, Pant Suits...

5. DESIGNER and VINTAGE SHOES!

6. Designer clothes, scarves, jeans, & purses (we'll have some gorgeous new Marc Jacobs purses in next week! We've sold out twice!)

---

Today was a triple-shot day.

---

This may actually be the most boring post ever.

---

That is all.

Emergency Broadcast System

I have PMS and it is Monday; I am therefore NOT RESPONSIBLE for any comments I may leave upon your blogs. Consider this a blanket apology. That is all.

Picture This. A renewal.

**CLICKIT. TENANT. THANK YOU.

---

Remember once upon a time, that Image Game I used to play?

Well, my dearest, sweetest MommaK recently reminded me of it.
I have completely let it fall by the wayside.

What good is a game if you don't play it?
None.
To review: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four.

---

The Rules:

1. Choose a search engine (I chose Google), click "IMAGES"
2. Pick 5 random Blogfriends.
3. Think of a word or phrase that you feel best describes each friend
4. Do an IMAGE SEARCH of that word or phrase
5. Pick the image that makes you say "AHA! THAT IS IT!"

Easy, no? Cake and pie. (piece of, easy as)
Click the word to see the image.

Today on the hot seat we've got
1. STEPH: I chose VIRTUOSO
2. LU: she's simply ENCHANTING
3. FTS: So ORIGINATIVE
4. MIKEY: He's definitely CHARMING
5. JULES: The word ALLURE springs to mind.

**DISCLAIMER: all images are meant in the most flattering and best possible sense, and not meant to be offensive in any way. You may not think the word and image go together...but I do.

If you decide to play along, please leave me a comment and I'll obey the Bloggintology commandment to spread the link love.

---

Who else is playing today?
MommaK
Leanne
Lucinda

Monty For President... SAAHweet.

I told MommaK yesterday that if I was running for president, one of the planks in my platform would be that every house is furnished, by law, with a maid if they so desire.
Naturally, my house (the White House, because I would win) would be first on the list.

Now, can I count on your vote?

---

I thought it would be awkward...but it wasn't.
I thought it would be strange...but it wasn't.

I'd hoped it would be fun...and it was.
I'd hoped there would be laughter...and there was.

I thought I'd be paying...but I didn't.
Although I intended to. (thanks again for lunch!)
I thought I might be nervous...but I wasn't.

So, I had lunch with an ex-boyfriend yesterday. We were together for about four years, and we haven't seen or spoken to each other in the last two years.
I rarely, if ever, open a door that I have shut on a relationship.
I don't really see the point. If someone has broken my heart, or if I have broken theirs, I don't go out of my way to be "friends".
Usually when I'm done, I'm done.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Fin.

But...

As I remarked to him at one point...it is amazing how, with some people, you can fall right back into a rhythm, a pattern of speaking, a way of being, as though you never missed a beat.

That was the only weirdness.

It was a dont-have-to-suck-in-your-stomach, so-what-if-you-trip-over-a-chair sort of day.
Which I did.
Trip over the chair, that is.

---

That is all.

A Rose By Any Other Name...

**Go see my tenant, PantherGirl, at The Dog's Breakfast! Please take a nice gift.

---

I had some film developed yesterday...

Yes, yes, actual 35mm film.
I have many rolls scattered hither and thither, some of which may be close to 10 years old.
This roll in particular was from about 5 or 6 years ago, when I took the kids and drove to S. Carolina.
I spent a day and a half and drove right back. But it was an adventure, yes?

Now, I shall settle the mantle of MOMMY firmly around my shoulders and share a couple of pictures from the trip.

Along the side of the road in S. Carolina there were glorious banks of tall, waving wildflowers, so naturally I had to have a picture of my own little wildflower amidst them...



Searching for the perfect blossom...


And here we are practicing "How Not To Be Seen", ala Monty Python...

---

Speaking of vacations, I realized today that apart from the brief time of unemployment, I haven't had a 'real' two week (or even one full week) vacation in about NINE years.

No wonder I'm cranky.

---

It is a tragedy to me when I can't bring myself to like someone I have truly cared about and admired.
*sigh*
When you get a glimpse behind the facade...
the true narcissist masked with false modesty...
the "I'm so humble---LOOK AT ME BEING HUMBLE!" behind the polish...
the sympathy card replayed until it is virtually meaningless...
the touting of (inflated) qualities hidden within self-deprecation...

Some days I'm very intolerant. And judgmental.

---

---

I'm really not a bad person. I promise.
I am a bit of a killjoy lately.
So solly, Cholly.

Happier times a-comin' this weekend~~MommaK and I are reviving my Image Game.
Be sure to tune in...

---

Screw it, I'm going to Sonic for a big-ass coke.

Have a day.

---

That is all.

Mona Lisa Smile

I was terrified.
My daughter looked at me this morning....and smiled.

ME: "What? What's funny?"
SHE: *smile*
ME: "WHAT?"
SHE: "Nothing."
ME: "Tell me or you're grounded."
SHE: *smile* I was just thinking it would be funny if Clinton and Stacy were taping you when you go to work today."

I nearly swallowed my tongue as I ran to peek out the windows for any suspicious looking characters carrying video cameras.

Then I looked down at my daily uniform sweat pants and wrinkled tee shirt with a hole in it and prayed that she was just messing with me.
Especially since my bathroom scale squealed in protest when I stepped on it this morning.
I won't tell you what it said, but there was some fairly creative swearing involved.

Luckily, my daughter's brain works in strange and mysterious ways (much like her mother's), and she was just thinking out loud.
I'm sure of it.
I hope.
Pray for me.

---

I was changing my son and realized I was out of baby wipes...

...so I had to use a moist towelette.

The feminine kind.
Made by Massengill.

On the upside, I'm sure his behind was fresh as a daisy all day.

---

An issue with analyzing subtext and sub-plots of great works of literature, breaking it down word by word to discuss the symbolism and what the author was thinking...

Sometimes a good story is just a good story.

Is all I'm sayin'.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

...And The Oscar goes to...who gives a crap.

**Please visit my super fabulous tenant, PANTHERGIRL!
I'm a long-time lurker at her place~she's hip, she's savvy, and she tells a helluva story. You can thank me later. Because you will want to.

---

Evidently brooches are the new 'man-bag'.
Is all I'm sayin'.

---

In the interest of time (of which I have little), I am re-posting last year's Oscar post.
Plus I didn't really watch much of it last night.
And now, the RE-POST:

................................................

I want you to imagine for a moment that you were at the Oscars, sitting
there with your date/spouse/mommy/daddy/kids/sibling/best friend/or horror-of-horrors alone...outwardly, you're cool and composed. Inwardly, though, you're a bundle of live nerves, all pinging at once. Your heart races, your palms are sweaty...you try to engage in casual conversation but your mind is screaming, "Will you JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!"

Then the lights dim, there is a call for silence. The anticipation builds to a fever pitch as the show returns from commercial break. You desperately need a bathroom, but your category is next. You cross your legs and pray.

You mentally roll your eyes at the lame-ass jokes the presenters are stumbling through...you wonder how those idiots ever got to be actors in the first place, since they can't even manage to memorize 4 lines of text (WHY O WHY couldn't they just let Robin Williams run the whole damn thing, anyway?!?).

And then........

DUN DUN DUN!!!!!
The Oscar goes to....
...that jerk, that prima donna, that...NOT YOU.
You sit there stunned, in total disbelief, with your ever-so-carefully prepared speech notes crumpled in your hand. You applaud politely in case the cameras are on you, manage to smile, choke back the tears, and try not to vomit publicly.

Another year of disappointment. You begin to empathize with Susan Lucci.

Doing our part to alleviate a small portion of the intense pain you must be suffering, we at the The Daily Bitch offer you this opportunity to go ahead & read us that acceptance speech.
You don't want those hours & hours of work to go to waste, do you?

So put on your most humble, grateful face and speechifyin' voice and
TELL US WHAT YOUR CATEGORY IS, AND
GIVE US THAT WONDERFUL SPEECH.

We'll even go you one better than the Oscars...there is no blinking red light to signal "TIME'S UP!". No orchestra music will suddenly drown you out. The microphone will not go silent mid-sentence.
You can thank everyone you really want to thank.
Ready?

*cue spotlight*
You're on, sweetheart.

BOOBIES AND BEER!

Okay.
I admit that was a dirty trick just to snag your attention, because I have nothing of import to say.

---

How do we know the sailors aren't really saying, "I eye, Captain!"??

---

My Shameful Confession
And it isn't even anything juicy~it's really just shameful.
I hesitate to admit it...but in the interest of self-honesty (which was the original purpose when I started journaling), I guess I'll lay it out and examine it.

As a rule, I try to follow the 10 commandments because as I've said before, they just make good sense. Don't cheat, don't lie, don't steal, don't kill, etc etc.

There is one that I break with amazing regularity.
Well, two. Because I've been known to lie.

"Of course that doesn't make your ass look too big!"

Okay, three. Because sometimes my parents really piss me off. Even at my age.

But the one I have the most trouble with is coveting. That is to say, according to one definition:
"This is greed and envy, focusing on what others have and what we don’t have"

The envy gets me every time.

I'm too embarrassed to admit how many times, as I surf through blogland, my mind begins a sentence with:
"Gee, it must be nice to...(go shopping twice a week)(not have to work)(spend a ton of money on clothes, or shoes, or skin/hair/makeup products)(speak casually of purchasing a new car every couple of years)(make a home cooked meal every night for your family)(be so perfect)(have such a perfect family)(have such a perfect freaking LIFE)(fill in the blank any way you choose, because I've thought it)."

Then, with the faint taste of ashes in my mouth, I am instantly ashamed of myself for such thoughts.

I've never been a complainer, really...I generally love my life pretty well and count my blessings on a regular basis.
I'm ever so grateful to know such wonderful people, even though I envy you.
I've got two wonderful children (against all odds), a (mostly) supportive family, a snug and cozy house, a car that, while it isn't very pretty, gets me everywhere I need to go, and a job that I love.

What more could I ask for?
Nothing.

So how do I stop being covetous?
Is there a 12-step program for that?

---

**UPDATE: Reason #498 Why I believe in God.
Today's sermon?
The "I want" and "just wanting things to be fair or even"
Being your own worst enemy.
Learning to forgive yourself.
Exchanging 'unforgiveness' for 'forgiveness' in your life.

I feel better about me today. :)

In Which There Is A Musical Interlude

It was so warm and lovely outside this morning that I cranked down the window, cranked UP the radio, and sang lustily all the way to work, much to the horror delight of the other motorists.

---

So MommaK and Lucinda have given us a lovely idea with which to share some bloggy goodness with each other...



Let me preface my choice by saying that there were SO many posts that I considered, for a variety of reasons. I fall in love with you people over and over again.
And I like it.

My very first PERFECT POST award goes to:

Nothing To See Here (Just Linda): How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Count The Ways

This was actually one of the first posts of Linda's that I recollect reading, and I loved it. I admire people who are completely without pretension, who aren't afraid to show their warts, who can laugh at themselves, who don't pretend.

So many times I laugh at with Linda, and find myself nodding in agreement with her posts. This particular post struck a chord with me because
A. It was a Valentine's post, but a day late (another procrastinator!)
and
2. It was not too icky-mushy, and Linda didn't pretend that she and her hubby are the perfect people.

It was great. Follow the links to those other posts...you'll be glad you did.

And Linda, I once had a similar situation as regards your hubby's birthday...gift...
Mine involved a bet on the Superbowl.
I still haven't paid up.
Sorry, Josh. ;)

---

in other news...
**I'm totally diggin' my book. I ♥ MommaK with a deep and abiding ♥

*giggle*

My horoscope today made me laugh right out loud:

"If people came with warning labels, in fact, yours would say something like 'Danger. Do not test me.'
Of course, as fiery as you are, this situation isn't all that rare, so the next best thing would be to have a t-shirt made up for occasions such as this.

I should make a t-shirt. Only I'd have to wear it every single day.

---

What would your T-shirt say today??

---

Even though we don't do things for a 'thank you', they're still nice to get. Or an acknowledgement, at the very least.

---

Some people are not nearly as nice as they make themselves out to be.
Is all I'm saying.

---

I have a shameful confession to make.
But I'll save it for a bit.

---

That is all.

Getting connected.

Dear Kristy Swanson,

Now, I'm not blaming you (solely) for coming between a man and his pregnant wife~~I do know how many people it takes to ice tango. I'm just wondering if you ever considered exercising the option of, oh, I don't know....keeping your fucking legs closed? At least until after the divorce.
Is all I'm sayin'.
Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
A woman who dislikes cheating husbands and their mistresses.

P.S. Sarah Michelle was a way better Buffy than you anyways.

---

Quick question...

Do you suppose they are going to remake The Shaggy Dog/D.A. more times than King Kong?

---

I meant to visit everyone this weekend, but I had connectivity issues with AOHELL. Every 10 or 15 minutes I'd get booted.
*sigh*

---

That is all.

A brief moment of silence.

Rest in peace, Mr. Furley.

Love,
Andy, Opie, Aunt Bea &
The Apple Dumpling Gang.

I am the pimp/ho

**My delightful tenant from Whatchu Tawkin' Bout is going through some struggles right now...please go spread a little sunshine in that special way that only you can do.

---

Now this is an award I really want to win!



I have been nominated for "Most likely to have found a clue but not to have recognized it for what it is".

I nominated myself for that category.
As of yet, I have no opposition.
Go me!
Now you go nominate some people for these awards over at Tommy's Place.

---

Some more stuff that you could give a shit about:

1. Sometimes I like to shout "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" for no apparent reason.
2. If you're a Harry Potter fan, that will make more sense to you.
3. I actually dated a guy for a while that I called "Mad-Eye"...behind his back, naturally.
4. Because he had a glass eye.
5. Which was a little creepy.
6. I dated a string of "J" names, all in a row: Josh, Joe, Jay, Jerry, Jaysen, and Jason.
7. That was weird.
8. My ex-husband AND my babies' daddy both: were left handed, adopted, brown haired, brown eyed, played golf, and spent time in the military.
9. Which is also creepy when I think about it. I have since changed my taste in men.
10. I have dated more left handed men than most people ever meet.

---

That is all.

Untitled.

**Please go visit my newest tenant, Miss Chatty. She's been a favorite of mine since I met her at the Meet & Greet some time ago. She's a funny, funny lady~tell her the slumlord sent you.
CLICKIT. THANK YOU.

---

Ever been stuck in traffic under a bridge and then suddenly look up and think, "Gee, I hope that crack doesn't get any wider" and have that thought immediately followed by, "Gee, I hope someone up there doesn't lose control and go plummeting over the edge and land on me"?

Or is it just me?

Just a quickie~ the way I like it.

But how did they know?

aka monty -- [noun]: A master blogger 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

---

NANCY JR. HAS FINALLY ARRIVED!

---

Can anybody furnish me with the name of McSteamy on Sunday's Grey's Anatomy? What have I seen that guy on before?

I can breathe!

AAAAH! Being here right now is like a breath of fresh air. I mean it.

I'd sincerely like to whine about ice spicules and freezing drizzle, frozen pipes and no running water, fleeing my humble abode and beloved computer for more than TWO WHOLE DAYS...
but I'll spare you.

I will say that should you find yourself in a similar situation, you should make sure that the person(s) with whom you seek refuge are actually in posession of a coffeemaker.
*sigh*

---

Home again, home again, jiggety-jig.

And in control of my very own remote control, which, in light of the past weekend, is quite exciting.

---

Enough complaining.

Close your eyes.
Are they closed?
Okay, imagine if you will that you are an A-PLUS-CARD-CARRYING-NUMBER-ONE-FAN of MONTY PYTHON.

Now further imagine that someone loves you ('you' meaning "ME") enough to send you this:


Oh for crap's sake open your eyes so that you can behold it in all its glory.
I adore it. It is the perfect gift.
I did a little happy dance around the house when I opened this most precious package.

How do you thank a delightfully de-lovely someone for that??

*sings to the tune of To Sir With Love*: "It isn't easy but I'll try-y-y-y-y-y-y-y"...

THANK YOU MOMMAK! I ♥ YOU!

---

Please forgive me for comments left untyped, emails unanswered, Bloggintology commandments broken; I was really quite frenzied at the lack of computer access.

---

in other news...
Sometimes it really is necessary to lick the bowl.
Is all I'm sayin'.

FLASHBACK THURSDAY!

I've just realized I've been terribly derelict in my blog-winning for Bloggintology!
As have we all, I think. *frowny face*
Just like any other made-up scientology-type "religion", we must do our part to convert!

(okay, the truth is I was looking for something in my archives and ran across this and I laughed just as much this time as the first time)

BLOGGINTOLOGY

Mission: World Domination.

"We are pwn all your blog!"

The 10 Commandments Of Bloggintology
As set forth by our Blog Leader, Mistress Elle:

1. There is a Bloggintology God, and I'm pretty sure he looks something like this: :)

2. There shall be no other Bloggintology Gods besides this one. Well, you can have as many as you want, they can be real or that cartoon thing "Anime" that everyone obsesses about.

3. Never take your blog for granted, and spread some comment love~ DO.NOT.LURK.

4. Remember the holy day, which is on the weekend when you play the MEET & GREET game over at Michele's.

5. Honor your blogfather or your blogmother. This can be done by occasionally mentioning them in a post or by blogrolling them.

6. Thou shall not be a troll to other bloggers.

7. Thou shall not commit adultery, although I'm not sure how you would with a blog.

8. Thou shall not steal another's blog template.

9. Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor~PROVIDE LINKS.

10.Thou shall not covet your neighbor's post but feel free to pick up any memes you'd like.

---

Sign-up line forms to the right. No shoving, please, there's room for everyone.
And we won't even jump up and down on couches and make asses of ourselves in public.

Well...

We won't jump up and down on couches.

Hearts, Flowers, and Manure.

**Please go visit my newest tenant, PINK PEN PAPERS! She's a most fabulous (for real) writer and I've been lurking around her site for quite some time now. She makes me giggle. I like that in a person.
GO. CLICKIT. THANK YOU.

---

Happy VD.
And naturally I mean that in the nastiest nicest possible way.

If that sounds like I'm jealous, it's only because I am.
But only a little bit.

Love is in the air....and it smells suspiciously like poo.

Is all I'm saying.

---

But I've got chocolate, so I'll be okay when it starts to take effect.

---

Did I mention that I'm still smoke free, since Christmas Day?
Go me!

---

My daughter wishes me to THANK YOU all individually for your lovely birthday wishes to her and her brother yesterday.
She was very happy and did a lot of 'translating' for her brother, because she's the only one, evidently, that understands what he's saying.
So, to each of you, thank you so much.
And she said thanks for being friends with her mom.

I guess I should thank you for that too. :)

---

I do ♥ all of you dearly, and couldn't make it through the week without you.

So let me try this one more time:
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

that didn't hurt too much.

---

Today, add this to all your comments, from me to you:

I love you. Pass it on.

It's a buh-buh-buh-BIRTHDAY!

Quote of the Day:
"Parents who do not have Internet should have their children taken away." ~~Peggy Hill

---

Happy Birthday, my darlings! You are 11 years old today!

**this post will likely be incredibly long and filled with Mommy things and pictures~~if it isn't your favorite thing then please come back another day.
Quickly now, go, while no one is watching!

---

Did you know that my due date was June 4?
But my impatient children arrived February 13, 1995.

24 hours of labor, which the doctors tried to stop.
My son came first, in the usual way. (in this picture he was actually one month and one day old)


As they were wheeling me to recovery, my daughter's heart rate dropped to zero, and she was removed by emergency C-section fifty-six minutes after her brother was delivered. (and she is one month and one day old here)


I was stapled from head to toe, practically. Or at least that's how I felt.
And I fell in love with morphine.

In recovery I heard my mom & stepmom talking about the children~I told everyone to shut up shut up shut up because I didn't want to hear that they had died.

But they hadn't. Thank you, God.

For this little miracle....(my girl at about 2 months)



and this little miracle...(my boy at about 3 or 4 months)


The doctors gave them less than a 50% chance of survival.
We fooled 'em good, din't we?
About a pound each, about a foot long...
My girl here is about 9 months old, this is one of my favorite pictures of her~she looks so pensive.


And here is my sister with two skinny little nearly-a-year-old babies:


One morning I discovered that my daughter knew how to climb into her brother's crib..


And she always....


...always has loved him best.

(yes, her mouth is blue...she was putting eye shadow on. On her lips. Yep. You should have seen what she did to me earlier that day with lipstick...whilst I was catnapping on the couch.)

When she was about a year and a half old, this is what "Go get ready for bed" meant:



Already trying to fill mommy's shoes, trailing that damned oxygen hose behind her (that I tripped on a thousand and one times):


Here's my little guy at about 6 or 7 months old, not too long after he finally got to come home from the hospital...


He had the softest, wispiest hair so I let it grow and grow...he's about a year and a half old here:


And second grade...


And now....




How could I not believe in a higher power? In miracles?

I love you, my babies. I'm thankful for every breath that you take, every blink of your eyes, every morning that you wake. I love you.
If all the world was a beach, I would love you more than all the grains of sand added together. Times ten thousand.

Happy, happy birthday.

Two Things. Or so.

Quote Of The Day:
This was the funniest thing ever, and I stole it from my pal CAM EDWARDS (I love that guy):

"TELL ME WHERE THE BOMBS ARE OR I WILL HAVE TO ASK YOU AGAIN!"

There's just something so Monty Python-ish about that.

---

And THANK YOU to whomever nominated me for this:


I have no idea who did this, but I appreciate the most lovely thought! Thank you!

**UPDATE: Through some exceptional and creative detective work

(or perhaps the person responsible gave up the info, but let's not nitpick)

I have discovered the culprit, and I have to tell you that she is so much more deserving of the nomination than I. And she knows I love her dearly. :) Thank you for thinking of me.

---

A trip to the grocery store can be made so much less enjoyable when the checkout line is long and the person in front of you smells of ass.

Is all I'm sayin'.

The Girl-Child

So I asked my daughter what she wanted for her birthday...
...and she wanted me to burn a CD for her.

Personally I thought that was a crappy present, but whatever.

I told her to pick her absolute favorites...she spent a couple hours going through all my music and made a list of her own.

Have I ruined my kid?

Here are her two CDs worth of selections:

Upside Down ~Bob Gentry
Genie In A Bottle ~Christina Aguilara
Salt Water Clouds ~Bob Gentry
No Sugar Tonight ~The Guess Who
Babe ~Bob Gentry
Heartbreaker ~Pat Benatar
Xs and Os ~Trisha Yearwood
Fly Like An Eagle ~Steve Miller Band
Still The One ~Shania Twain
What's Her Name ~TOFOG
Ain't No Sunshine ~Bill Withers
Mysterious Ways ~U2
Shake The Sugar Tree ~Pam Tillis
Lonely No More ~Rob Thomas
Like The Rain ~Clint Black
Never Been To Spain ~3 Dog Night
Wish You Were Someone I Loved ~The Gatlin Brothers
But I Do Love You ~LeeAnn Rimes
Gimme One Reason ~Tracy Chapman
Don't Go Near The Water ~Sammy Kershaw
These Boots Are Made For Walkin' ~Nancy Sinatra
Bang Bang ~Nancy Sinatra version
Amazed ~Lone Star
American Woman ~The Guess Who
Boom Boom Boom ~Coyote Ugly soundtrack
Queen Of My Doublewide Trailer ~Sammy Kershaw
Spirit In The Sky ~Norman Greenbaum
I Can Only Imagine ~Mercy Me
Kiss This ~Aaron Tippin
In Your Wildest Dreams ~Moody Blues
Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves ~Cher
No One Like You ~Scorpions
Son Of A Preacher Man ~Dusty Springfield
Go Ahead ~Rilo Kiley (Janet will be happy to hear that)
Be My Baby Tonight ~John Michael Montgomery
Papa Don't Preach ~Madonna
I'll Meet You Halfway ~David Cassidy (shut up, I like it too)
I Think I Love You ~ David Cassidy ( " " )

---

She does NOT like Styx, George Strait, or Bon Jovi, so I decided to disown her anyway.

---

But I'm nice enough not to break that to her until after her birthday. :)

---

Then she made one of these...



...out of an empty water bottle and a pencil.

Anyone need a backup musician?

Bloggers Do It 'Til It Hurts

A Few Announcements:

**I have been remiss in my duties as Slumlord~~please take a trip to Chicago and CLICKIT on my renter! She'll show you the sights. If you know what I mean. *wink wink*

---

Aaah, for shame Mrs. Gretzky...getting caught with your hand in the bookie jar.

---

It appears as though in my absence Ms. Angie Smarty Pants has been trying to steal my pretend boyfriend.
We're gonna have a rumble after school tomorrow.
I anticipate a lot of singing and dancing.

My gang, sing with me now: "When you're a Bitch you're a Bitch for LIIIIIFE!"

**PS: As most of us are parents, we'll have a daycare on the sidelines.

---

I'm happy to be here today, I was missing you.
I just felt like my life had gotten too big for me all of a sudden and I couldn't catch my breath.
I'm better now.

---

Okay, so a couple years ago I seriously struggled with depression and anxiety.
The depression wasn't so bad...mostly I was tired and cried a lot.

Eventually we learned that those things are just part and parcel of Being Monty.

The anxiety...that's aWHOLEnother story.
I never had anxiety attacks exactly, nor did I pass out or start screaming and tearing at my hair. It was more like...

When I used to get ready to step onto the stage (back in the days of HS & college), I got stage fright. It was a tight, shaky, slightly painful feeling that filled up my belly and chest. My knees got a little weak and my shoulders got a little cold.

The anxiety I was suffering from was like having that stage fright 24 hours a day. I had it when I woke up, I had it when I went to bed, I had it all the time in between.

It was so not fun.
Zoloft rocks.

---

I accidentally said "funner" today.

---

That is all. For today.

Bloggers Do It In Their Minds

**Please go visit Bloggo Chicago, my new tenant. She's fairly new to me, but very entertaining! Let's go give her a big Daily Bitch welcome, mmmmkay?

---

Okay, so I was burning up the rest of my iTunes gift card today, thanks to all of your wonderful suggestions (imagine my surprise in learning that there actually is more to life than classic rock!)...
...and as I was looking at the songs FTS recommended, I remembered another misheard song lyric.

ACTUAL lyrics:
"I will go down with this ship
and I won't put my hands up and surrender..."

WHAT I HEARD:
"I will go down with this ship
and I will poke my eyes out in surrender..."

My sister and I still sing it that way.

---

And THANKS to CrazyCatWoman for adopting my version of "Jet Airliner" by Steve Miller. I like my way better too. :)

---

I am not going to watch the Superbowl today.

---

I will check the score from time to time.

---

Because I could give a shit who wins. Really.

---

I am taking a brief hiatus.

---

A couple of days. Or three. Maybe four.
But I'll be back, because my kids' birthday is coming up and naturally I'll want to post a big Proud Mommy thingy.

---

Please miss me.

---

That is all.

Bloggers Do It With Everybody

Thought I'd share some of my favorites that you came up with (and I would so make a fortune off your minds if I weren't too lazy to do the CafePress thing):

Frankie says
"I'll show you my Blogroll if you show me your Skin"

Thumper's thought:
"Bloggers Do It With One Hand On The Keyboard"

My sweet MommaK says:
"Bloggers do it so they can blog about it"
"QUESTION: How are you today?
ANSWER: You never read my blog, do you?"

Tommy's is simple:
"Bloggers Do It"

Wild Bill gives us:
"Bloggers do it in their Pajamas!"

I like Chaz's contribution:
"Bloggers do it and hope someone comments on it"

Ivy made me laugh with these:
"Bloggers do it every day"
"Bloggers do it for the hits"
"Bloggers do it with the world watching"
"Bloggers do it at all hours"

Raehan had some great ones:
"Bloggers do it anytime they want to"
"Bloggers do it when the kids are in bed"
"Bloggers do it in their underwear"
"Bloggers do it at work"
"Bloggers do it in their head"
"Bloggers do it in secret"
"Bloggers do it for the love"

My pal Mel said:
"Bloggers do it with their fingers"

Poopie says:
"Bloggers blog and tell"
"Bloggers do it with a post" (that sounds a little painful!)

The handsome Mikey offered:
"Bloggers Do It For Free"
"Bloggers Do It When You're Asleep" (eyeeeeew!)


My friend from Down Under, Peter, says:
"Old bloggers never die, they're too busy blogging" (considering I already started my Farewell Post, I'll have to agree)

The beautiful Meg says:
"The harder the post, the better the blogger"
"Bloggers do it daily"
For the ladies~~ "I'm a blogger; wanna see my entry?"
For the men~~ "I'm a blogger; wanna see my post?

GolfWidow made me giggle with:
"Bloggers do it for hits and giggles"

In reference to the previous post, Kevin says:
"Bloggers do it better than teachers, beauticians and scientists. So there."

I like this one from Lynette:
"Bloggers do it in their fuzzy, pink, slippers"

And from a new friend (who didn't leave a link, boohoo)Wai, some most excellent thoughts:
"Bloggers do it on-the-fly"
"Bloggers do it on the sly"
"Bloggers do it once, then half an hour later, they do it again"
"Bloggers do it at their desks"
"Bloggers do it in their laps"
"Bloggers do it with both hands"
"Bloggers do it in motels"
"Bloggers do it anywhere they can"

And finally, from the fabulous Prego:
"Bloggers Do It Alone"

I expect to see some cars with these stickers pretty soon. I'll honk at you.

Honk If You Love Blogging

On my way to work this morning I saw one of those "_____ do it with _____" bumper stickers.
You know, "Teachers Do It With Class", "Beauticians Do It With Style", "Scientists Do It On The Periodic Table".

So I was trying to think of some for us. Us being bloggers, I mean.
I didn't do a very good job.

I thought "BLOGGERS DO IT ONLINE"...but that made us sound like a bunch of cyber-pervs.

Then I thought "BLOGGERS DO IT WITH SKINS"...but that reminded me of that guy in Silence of the Lambs saying "It puts the lotion on its skin", which is sort of creepy.

So I thought "BLOGGERS DO IT ON THE KEYBOARD"...but that sounded sort of dumb and really uncomfortable.

When I came up with "BLOGGERS DO IT AND THEN...BLOG ABOUT IT", I gave up.

What do YOU think our bumper sticker should say?

---

**UPDATE: Frankie's comment gave me and idea...

"BLOGGERS DO IT ON A ROLL"

Okay, so it isn't much better than my others...

Brain Soup.

Stuff I thought about today:

I think some people are scared to believe in heaven simply because then they'd have to believe in hell.

---

I hate it when Taco Bell puts my CrunchWrap in the box upside down.

---

I wish I had a cigarette.

---

How can I best annoy my sister today at work?

---

I hate it when Taco Bell gives me Pepsi when I ordered Dr. Pepper.
I hate it that I had to order Dr. Pepper because they don't have plain ol' iced tea.

---

Can you guess what I had for lunch today?

---

My horoscope for today said that my selfless side would be tested today.
To that I say that my selfless side is tested every day, because I'm terribly selfish.

---

Twice I've heard people (once on TV, once on the radio) use the phrase "scantily clad clothing."
I want to know...who dresses their clothes, for crap's sake?
How can CLOTHING be scantily clad?

---

I need a massage.
No, not the 'hey baby, I'll massage you *wink wink*'...but a real massage by a Swedish woman named Helga with big strong man-hands and a bad temper.
My back and shoulders feel like a clenched fist.

---

I wish I had a cigarette.
And coffee.

---

People, stop cutting the fabric tags out of your clothes. Makes my job harder.

---

I've accomplished very little in the way of work so far today.
Seems I lack motivation.

---

Since I write 'blurbs', or listings, every day and get paid for it...does that mean I can consider myself a writer by profession?

---

I'm really, really good at writing 'blurbs', or listings.

---

Some days (but only very rarely) I dislike some of my blogfriends for one reason or another.

---

Like when I see that they've removed me from their blogroll, for example.

---

Then I get over it, because it's stupid.

---

Sometimes I don't like for people to tell me "Have a nice day".
I want to say, "You're not the boss of me."
But I never do.

---

Sometimes I act like that weird, space-age-artsy-fartsy couple on Saturday Night Live...you know, the couple both named Nuni...and pretend to have trouble pronouncing the simplest words.
This makes people crazy.
This makes my day.

---

I wish I had a cigarette.
And a coffee.
And a cookie.

---

Have a nice day.

Stuff & Nonsense

**Go visit my tenant. And tell him I sent you. (Ladies, for every 10 2 people who comment, he'll remove an article of clothing. For reals.)

---

Quote Of The Day:

"The great thing about schizophrenia is that I always have each other." ~~aka_monty

---

"You want answers?"
"I want the truth!"
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

We'll just see about that...
The answers you've been waiting for:

**Update: Mary tells me that the audio cuts off right near the beginning. Anyone else having trouble with it? Let me know, please and thank you.

---

You can all just give "thanks" to my pretend boyfriend Bob Gentry (whose music I love, so I forgive him) for the following MEME:

"My Perfect Partner..."

In no particular order:

1 Loves kids. Because I have a couple of 'em.
2 Is tolerant (of my many, many quirks) and patient.
3 Is reliable and honest.
4 Will think of me when I'm not around (but not in that weird stalkery way).
5 Not only has common interests, but offers what I lack.
6 Is organized (since I’m not) (This was actually Bob's answer, but it suits me as well. I'm terribly organized at work...but that's it)
7 Is neither a slacker nor a workaholic~aren't there any in-betweeners left??
8 Is faithful.
9 Is smart. Brains are such a turn-on.
10 Doesn't mind that occasionally I'm needy, and occasionally I vahnt to be alone.

I know there're more...but these are some of the biggies.
I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect....I'm just looking for Mr. Perfect-for-me.

---

Now, I'm not tagging anyone, as it tends to bring on stoning and poking with 10-foot-poles.
However, feel free to tag thyself, and drop me a comment so that I can come admire your work.

---

That is all.

Just to narrow it down...

...a little bit. Number Two on the list is, in fact, true.
Sorry, MommaK.



Yes, I know it appears backwards...that's how I tell time. :)

---

Hmmm....what other three things are true?

---

Thanks for all the great music suggestions~I actually hadn't even heard of quite a few of those people. But I'm getting some really great music thanks to you!

---

**HEY, I'VE GOT A BOY TENANT this time! Ladies, I'm sure we'll catch him coming out of the shower sooner or later, so CLICKIT, won't you?
Dig around there~Jeremy is completely twisted and makes me laugh, laugh, laugh.
I'm a little bit in ♥
Ready?
GO!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Monty!

1. When Monty is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
2. Owls cannot move their eyes, because their eyeballs are shaped like Monty.
3. A thimbleful of Monty would weigh over 100 million tons.
4. Research indicates that Monty will be attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas!
5. Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of Monty in a day.
6. Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Monty supply.
7. If you don't get out of bed on the same side you got in, you will have Monty for the rest of the day!
8. Lightning strikes Monty over seven times every hour.
9. During severe windstorms, Monty may sway several feet to either side.
10. Monty can sleep for three and a half years.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

"You will have Monty for the rest of the day" actually sounds pretty good to me. So eat some bananas, will you? We'll have to be quick, between the lightning flashes.

True Confessions, Part I

but first...
QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I can't be doing this thinking things through, it takes far too long." ~~Rocky Hardcastle, As Time Goes By

I'm totally on board with that.

---

My daughter and I were going to race from my house, across the yard and driveway to my mom's house next door, but by the time I got to the bottom...



.....of my porch steps, I was winded.
;)

---

I was working on my FAREWELL POST (see the one entitled 'There's a hole in my heart...') and it was so awesome that I made myself cry.
You guys are totally going to bawl when you read it.
Provided you outlive me, that is.

Quick question: Would it be in poor taste to eulogize myself with an audio post (pre-prepared, naturally)?
Because that would be cool.

---

True Confessions.

Four Truths And A Lie
Do you know which is which?

1. I have been arrested.
2. I wear a Popeye watch.
3. I threw my panties on stage at the Russell Crowe (TOFOG) concert.
4. I have dangled upside down, in mid-air, from a helicopter.
5. I have an IQ of 145.

---

What I am thankful for today...

The morning double-look-back-wave-kiss-blow as she walked off to school.

---

That is all.

Be my muse-ic

**Don't forget to visit GIDGET, my tenant over there on the sidebar. You do know how to clickit, don't you? You just put your finger on the mouse and...push.

---

Okay, so recently I was given an iTunes gift card. (and thanks EVER SO, you know who you are and I love you!)
I immediately spent a good portion of it on two personal favorites: Bob and TOFOG . Yeaaaaaahhhhh.

Now, I need to spend the rest, as it is burning a hole in my...computer.

Give me your best recommendations.

Bear in mind that I have very eclectic musical tastes, with jazz being my least favorite. Though some of it I enjoy. I like oldies, classic rock, some c&w, folk music...

Anything with those slutty pop music girls is out. I've already got Genie In A Bottle. That's all I can take.

But other than that...give me your best suggestions. Chances are I'll already have some of them downloaded. If not, then I will trust your excellent musical taste.

And me without my muff...

What? I'm in the spotlight?
Here I sit in my bathrobe, with my hair all uncombed...and no speech prepared or anything.
So I shall just say "Welcome, friends of FTS! Thanks for coming!"
And thanks FTS, I'm honored to be site of the week.
Do come in and have a cuppa, won't you?

---

I was just saying to Meg yesterday that I tend to get too emotionally involved.

With everything.
I do. My emotions rule me sometimes.
A large portion of the time.
I can't help it.

That all really has nothing to do with anything.
I'm just sayin'.

---

Is it weird that I think about you guys sometimes?
Because I do.
During my everyday life, I mean.

I guess that's where I was going with the whole 'emotionally involved' thingy.

Sometimes I'll be at work thinking "I hope Raehan has a post about her kids today, because I love those" or "I wonder what Mags is going to say that will make me laugh today".
Sometimes I think about you personally, like "I hope Michele's ankle is getting better" and "I wonder how Brandie's classes are going" and "I need to ask Sleeping Mommy & J&JsMom if their kids are over their illnesses". "Has Nancy given birth to the Alien yet? Is the bag FINALLY packed?"

I might be at a restaurant and think "MommaK would LOVE this Mexican food!" or "Too bad FTS isn't here to taste this ultra-super-dee-duper hotter-than-hell HOT SAUCE".

When I'm at the book store I think "Oh, I wonder if Megan has read this yet!" and "Kat writes SO much better than this!" or "I can't wait for Thumper to publish another book!"

I saw a really high tech fancy-schmancy capuccino/espresso maker the other day and wondered (aloud) if Steph had gotten one for Christmas. Whenever I pass Rose State (every day)(twice) I wave and shout "HI!", because Amanda works there.

Whenever I'm looking through an Avon catalogue, I long for Birdie to be my sales rep. I want to buy her stuff while she tells me more of her adventures.
When I'm going to the drugstore, I hope that Jessica might be behind the counter.

Almost every day I wish that Mamacita was my next door neighbor so I could pop in and visit and ask for advice. On everything. She knows stuff.

Even grocery shopping I remember what Ivy said about not knowing who around you might be a fellow blogger...so when I see someone that resembles what YOU look like in my head, or looks enough like that picture of you that I've seen, I smile at them. And wonder.
Is it you?

Someday, it just might be.

---

Do you ever think about your online friends in the course of your normal day?
Or is that just me?
And does it mean that I'm truly pathetic and need to get a life?

---

I gave my daughter chocolate chip cookies for breakfast today.

I got nothin'. Yet.

**Look over there on the sidebar~~see where it says "No Thumbnail Available"? No, it isn't just a clever gimmick~although it could be.
Clickit. She's my new tenant and I find that she is just as O/C as the rest of us!
Go give her a lovely welcome from her landlady, won't you please?

---

I have a story I want to tell you...but it's about something that still pisses me off even though it happened a few months ago and I need to work it out in my head.
The other people involved in this little drama I have to tell you about are in the midst of another drama right now~~spewing the usual hatred and bile whilst loudly proclaiming how little they care about what other people think.

I seriously doubt that last bit is true, otherwise why bother?

My blood pressure rises every time I think about it.
Two of you already know this story, and unfortunately you had to hear about it from me whilst it was still fresh and I was enraged. So if I haven't thanked you properly, consider this a big THANKS for listening to me and gettin' my back.

I have been back & forth over whether or not to post about it or just let it go...
I have been back & forth over whether or not to post the links to the vile creatures...
...I don't want to give them any traffic, AND I don't want to stir up yet more anger and ugliness.

When I work it all out, you'll be the first to know.
Until then, I leave you with this:

---

That is all.

Oh hell.

You can all just go "thank" MISS CORI for today's post. :)

Mango, Norman, stop right there. I know how much you hate memes.

---

1. Hum a jingle to which you know all the words.

Why do I have to hum it if I know all the words?
I'll sing it.

HOT DOGS! ARMOUR HOT DOGS! What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks!
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox
love HOT DOGS! ARMOUR HOT DOGS!
The DOGS! KIDS! LOVE! TO! BIIIIIITE!

2. As a kid, you played a board game over and over. And you cheated you little bastard. What was the game?

Me, cheat? Are you kidding?
Oh, okay. Any game I played with my brother, I cheated.
EVERY game.
And I always pushed to play Monopoly, because he was 5 years younger than me and didn't understand the concept of money. I ended up owning everything. And then some.

3. What is the name of the song that you have been singing the incorrect words all these years? What were you singing? What should you have been singing?

Growing up there were two songs in particular that I sang the wrong lyrics to, and they still play that way in my head.

Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, my way:

"Wastin' away again in my Gareetaville...searchin' for my lost jigger saw..."

The correct lyrics:
"Wastin' away again in Margaritaville, searchin' for my lost shaker of salt..."

Don't ask me what I thought a Gareetaville was. I have no idea. I thought it was just one of those grown-up things I didn't understand.

Jet Airliner by Steve Miller, my way:

"Ohohoh big old Chad and Lionel, don't carry me too far away..."

This was always accompanied by the mental picture of two big bruiser types dragging some suit-clad guy away by the arms, ostensibly to beat his ass.

The correct lyrics:

"Ohohoh big ol' jet airliner, don't carry me too far away..."

My way is more fun.

4. What is the most embarrassing childhood story that your parents drag out just to fuck with you for their own private amusement?

Oh, there are so many...

I guess one of the most embarrassing is the story of Monty's First Auto Accident.
I grew up out in the country, with lots of acreage and dirt & gravel roads.
One day I was out "practicing" my driving in my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car and a jackrabbit hopped across the road in front of me. I was on loose gravel. I was startled, tromped the brakes, yanked the wheel...


....and slid sideways into a ditch, crushing in the side of my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car.

My punishment was having to drive my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car to SCHOOL for a whole year. Squealing brakes and all. It looked sort of like this, only vomit green.
To a 15/16 year old girl, you can imagine what that did for my social life.
Luckily, I was cute.

I am so cool, you're lucky to know me.

---

That is all.

S-Words for $200, Alex

but first...
**Don't miss this opportunity to go catch my tenant doing something naughty! Hurry, before you miss all the fun!

---

DAUGHTER: "I have to tell you something, it has a bad word in it. The 'S' word."
ME: Okay...
DAUGHTER: "Me and Sarah saw the dogs doing the ess-eee-ex on each other. We just turned our heads and didn't watch."

(**both our dogs are boys)
*sigh*
And thus came our first real opportunity to talk about the S-E-X.
I should probably read up on it.
Sex, I mean.

---

It doesn't count as a Meme if you don't get tagged.
Or if you just make it up because you had nothing better to say.

5 Movie Quotes That Are OVERused By Me:

Okay, the first isn't a movie quote, it's from an episode of Friends...
1. "You don't KNOW! You weren't THERE!"

For every injury suffered...
2. "It's just a flesh wound!" (If this needs explanation, then there's no hope for you)

Whenever the opportunity arises, just because I like it...
3. "I just hate you and I hate your ass face!" (Waiting For Guffman)

When I get interrupted...
4. "So anyway, back to me." (The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert)

When someone gets the better of me (as if THAT ever happens) and I can't think of a good comeback...
5. "Well...DOUBLE DUMBASS ON YOU!" (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home)

(no, I do not say the naughty ones to my children)(but I do think them)(simply out of bad habit)

5 Things I Do To Annoy People On Purpose:

1. Correct their grammar. Especially the incorrect use of I.
2. Use words (sometimes nonsensical ones that I make up) that I know they won't understand
3. Snap my gum loudly between my back teeth
4. Try to move my lips in sync with someone who is talking to me. (this is the most fun thing to do, plus it's the most annoying)
5. Deliberately misunderstand people and make them repeat themselves over & over.

---

I told you it wasn't a Meme.
That means you are not tagged.

That is all.

Voices, I hear voices...part II

Do you ever spend any time imagining what your blog-friend's voices sound like?
Or is that just me?

Now Brian and Jules sound exactly like I imagined them. FTS sounds close, only I supposed he'd have a big Texas drawl, which, in fact, he does not.
I know what my darling MommaK sounds like, from a brief blip of voicemail. Someday we'll actually catch up and have a real conversation.
And Megan sounds as beautiful to my ears as her writing appears to my eyes and heart.
I have spent much time listening to my pretend boyfriend Bob Gentry sing just to me...(seriously, buy some of his music. He's AWESOME! Upside Down is my favorite so far)

At some point or another, I have thought about, wondered, what you sound like.
Just for example...
I imagine that Mikey sounds like he paaaaaahks caaaaaaaahs in the Haaaaaahvaaahd yaaaaaahd.
And maybe this is just name association, but every time my kids watch the movie Hercules and I hear Meg speak, I imagine that's what my Meg sounds like.
The Doctors could confirm or deny this, but in my mind Michele's voice is like warm whiskey wrapped in silk.
And J&JsMom? I know what she looks like, and the matching voice in my head is what a swift, cool breeze on a sunny day would sound like if it could speak.
I imagine that my tenant Angie has a voice full of bubbling laughter.
I imagine Brando has a dreamy, husky voice with just a hint of an accent.
I think Tommy has a clipped, commanding voice, except when he's being appropriately meek at home with Peaches.
I imagine Lu's voice to be as sweet and smooth as honey-soaked velvet.

Those are just a very few random examples.
I've wondered about ALL of you.
Every.
Single.
One. *she says in her best William Shatner impersonation*


Now, close your eyes for a minute....
What do you think I sound like?

Now, see how close you are:

I had trouble with that~it was sort of like talking to an answering machine~you know, your tongue gets tangled and your brain freezes up and you completely lose all ability to speak.
This may be a first-and-last time thing for me.

But you should try it. Fo' reals yo.

---

My daughter was helping to fold the laundry last evening...
She came into the living room holding a pair of my jeans and said, "These can't be mine or Bubba's, they're TOTALLY HUGE!"

She is so grounded.

---

Saturday night I watched The Magnificent Seven.
I've said it before and it bears repeating...

Yul Brynner is the reason I find bald guys completely hot.

Sunday and me

**Run over to my tenant's place and sing her this song:
"Angie baby, you're a special lady...livin' in a world of make believe..well, maybe..."
She loves that.
And am I the only person who remembers Helen Reddy?

---

SUNDAY A & Q TIME!
I give the answer, you tell me the question. You should know this by now.

"No, it is NOT meant to stretch that far."

---

So okay, I got three nice new books for Christmas. I did my best (though it was a struggle) not to gobble them up all at once. Then the other day I realized that I was three-quarters through with my very last book.
It was like...looking in the Oreo package and seeing only one broken piece of cookie left.
Naturally I did what any sensible person would do, I ran to the store for a new book.
Thank you, 24-hour Walgreen's!

Anyway, one of my favorite authors, J.A. Jance had a new book out, Edge Of Evil.
I would have bought it because I enjoy that author, but was quite interested to read on the blurb that a large portion of the story dealt with blogging.
I wanted to see if she did her research~so many people have pre-conceived notions of what blogging and bloggers are all about.

I'll be sure to let you know. OR you could read it yourself. But don't tell me how it turns out, mmmkay? I've never, ever been one to read the end of the book first~the anticipation and build-up in getting to the end is half the fun.
Sort of like with sex.
If I'm remembering it correctly.

Voices, I hear voices..

**Just because my tenants move out every week does not mean I'm a bad slumlord landlady.
Please go visit my newest tenant (and a long time favorite), that Queen of the 80's, that Leader of the Housewife Mafia....ANGIE from FICKEN CHINGERS!
Do it.
You know you want to.

---

An overheard conversation in my head:

ME: I need a cigarette.

SELF: No, you really don't.

ME: I DO. Just one.

SELF: No, you really don't. Why throw away all your hard work?

ME: Bitch. I said JUST ONE.

SELF: First one, then two...then you're back to a pack a day.

ME: HA! Liar. I never smoked a pack a day. Maybe...three quarters of a pack.

SELF: *sigh* Close enough. Think of how many people, especially your daughter, who would be so disappointed.

ME: I can have just one. I'll mooch one from C at work.

SELF: So mom just wasted that money getting you the patch that YOU requested for Christmas.

ME: Bite my ass. Bitch. I can do whatever I damn well want. It's my money.

SELF: No, actually its my money. I earned it.

ME: How do you figure?

SELF: Umm, gee, because MY section of the brain knows how to read and type...

ME: (fuck you...)

SELF: ...while YOUR section of the brain just wants cigarettes and chocolate.

ME: (...and the horse you rode in on)

SELF: So NO cigarettes. And that's final.

ME: I hate you.

---

this is actually a daily conversation.

I had no idea...

....that it was National De-Lurking Week!



You know what to do.

---

You know those IcyHot patch thingies that you put on achy muscles?
I was wondering if someone could make me a shirt out of those.

---

*yaaawn*

HURRY! Click my tenant over there on the left sidebar, Soapbox.SUPERSTAR~~**the first 50 visitors get an autographed picture of her in the nude!

---

Verbal Intelligence Test Results

Sir Francis Galton, the cousin of Charles Darwin, first popularized the notion of measurable intelligence in the late 1800s. Charles Spearman later discovered that all mental abilities tend to correlate together when statistically analyzed. He called this G. Modern researchers tend to agree that there are two kinds of intelligence, crystallized intelligence (learned knowledge) and fluid intelligence (abstract processing ability). Verbal tests tend to measure crystallized intelligence more. While fluid intelligence peaks between the ages of 18-21, dropping after that, crystallized intelligence can increase as you get older and does not degrade (usually) until fairly late in life. According to a number of studies, the correlation between vocabulary and general iq is around .8 (a very high correlation).

Your overall percentile is 85% which means you scored higher than 85% of the people who have taken this test. The internet population tends to be more intelligent so your percentile might be higher if the test taking sample was perfectly random. Keep in mind, taking this test more than once will render your percentile score inaccurate because the percentile scoring assumes these questions were fresh to the test taker.

The point of this test is to challenge you and show you how you compare to other test takers on a set of novel questions. Consequently, the answers need to be kept secret to protect the integrity of the test.


Take the test yourself.

---

I underlined that little bit...YOU are my peers. Aren't you happy to know you're more intelligent than, say...non-bloggers? ;)

---

Sister: "I would never be able to make a good prostitute, being on my knees is too uncomfortable." (she was on the floor taking pictures of some shoes, perv)
ME: "Oh, don't sell yourself short!"

Aren't I a nice sister?

---

TWO WEEKS AND TWO DAYS SMOKE FREE.
I think I'm going to die.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement!!

---

Speaking of this whole Rent My Blog thing...did you know I've been DENIED every single time I've bid?
I'm starting to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, when she tried to go shopping and no one would help her.
I'm taking it personally, yes I am.

---

**i totally made that part up

What's in a name, anyway?

"...so I called him a mother-fucker. Which...which...is linguistically correct, because I'm a mother and he....used to..." ~~Goldie Hawn, Wildcats

---

So I've never thought of myself as a "Mommy Blogger". I never really thought anyone else did, until I somehow found myself saddled with that label at the Thunderdome. I have no idea why. I don't write about my kids all that often...do I? I don't post a lot of pictures of them...do I?
So I wondered how I got the 'dreaded' Mommy Blog tag.

Luckily, I wasn't one to get my knickers in a twist, my panties in a bunch, whatever, over something like that.
I don't find "Mommy Blog" an offensive term.
I don't know why some people, even those who are actually Mommies, do find it offensive.

WHY is it offensive?
My pal MommaK posted that very question when I was embroiled in the Thunderdome contest.

Seriously, you can actually hear the sneer when someone mentions "Mommy Blog".
How did the connotations become so negative?
Do those people truly hate their own mothers so much?
Do they have no respect for the woman who gave them life?

When did it become fashionable to deny your motherhood? Do you dislike being a mother so much that you must protest Mommy Blogdom in your loudest voice and vilest language?

Niiiice example you're setting for that kid.
I look forward to seeing you all on Jerry Springer someday.

Mommy. Blogger.

Are you a Mommy?
Do you blog?

Why do the two words combined in a linguistically correct term drive people into such a frothing frenzy?
I'm guessing that those people might not be very good at either thing.

But what do I know?
I'm just a Mommy.Blogger.

I feel pretty good about that.

Blah Blah Blahde Blah

@@@@@@@@@@YOU ARE GETTING SLEEEEEEEPY@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Very sleeeeeeeeepy....
Sleeeeeeeepy...

Now you are completely under my control.
Go CLICKIT on my TENANT.
Once you leave a comment, you will awake refreshed with no memory of how you got there.

---

Something is weird with my home computer...I can't get into my gmail. The page won't load. So for those of you who have sent me something via GMAIL since Friday, I didn't get it. I'll have to check it Monday whilst at work. Feel free to send it to my yahoo email if it's something important~~and I'm sure it is!

---

Is it strange that I'm totally excited about the STEAK N SHAKE we just got in my town?

---

Am I the only one who does not keep the shower curtain shut?
I want to be able to see who's hiding behind it when I come home from work.

---

If I had a professional chef deliver healthy, low-fat low-carb low-calorie meals to my house, and a personal trainer come to my home and bully me every day...
I would so be thin.

---

When do I stop thinking about cigarettes?

---

Now, does anyone know where I can pick up a nice, inexpensive...

boyfriend, before Valentine's Day?
Used is okay.

---

That is all.

Mundanities

**Please do me a huge favor and go visit my newest tenant, soapbox.SUPERSTAR. You'll be ever so glad you did. She is a long-time favorite of mine, and I'm happy that she's renting from me this week. Smart, funny, and a hottie too! Go see her and tell her the landlady sent you. You'll be back for more. Trust me on this.

---

I wonder if I can get addicted to The Patch? I have this vision of me running to Walgreen's in the middle of the night to get my Patch fix. I'd come home and plaster them all over myself like clear little band-aids...
...which would suck because they're way more expensive than cigarettes.

---

Tip Of The Day
If you've already got two or three blogs that no-one reads (because they're completely boring and so filled with mistakes that it needs translating), don't start a couple more. Guess what? Law of averages says that no-one will read those either.

I'm just sayin'.

---

Thoroughly shameless plug for the BossLady

We just got an ass-load of brand new (with tags!) CASHMERE SWEATERS and DESIGNER STUFF.
(I can tell you that those new sweaters from Oscar de la Renta are the softest things I've ever felt)

Go shop!

---

I was watching TV last night and I saw an auto insurance commercial that said that there was a car wreck every five seconds.
So I've decided to only drive four seconds at a time.
Takes a lot longer to get to work, but I feel so much safer.

---

I still hate ONG. We really should band together and do something about the gas companies who are screwing us without even giving us a kiss first.

---

That is all.

Profanities Ahead. Fuckin' A.

Dear Oklahoma Natural Gas company (aka Dirty Fucking Scum-sucking GREEDY BASTARD PIG DOGS):

I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I hope you all rot in the deepest pits of hell, joined by those vile, nasty, disgusting hate-filled creatures that never, ever stop bitching and who viciously slandered my name on the internet over a case of mistaken identity. (remind me to tell you that story some time, although I will be far kinder and more generous in NOT mentioning their names or blogs~though why I would be that nice is frankly beyond me)
I realize that we must pay for our natural gas. I further realize that having a gas powered central heating system costs a lot of money.
However, I turn my heater down to 55º every morning at 8:30 when I leave for work, and I do not turn it back up (to only 68º) until I return home at approximately 8:00 PM. As I rarely cook, my (gas) stove and oven have not been used.

So please explain to me how you can live with yourselves when you sent me a gas bill for THREE HUNDRED AND SEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS!!!
I'd sure as hell like to know where all that gas went. THREE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS.
For ONE MONTH.
I can't even comprehend that.

You suck, and if I were a serial killer, rest assured that your office would be first on my list.
I hate you all. A pox on you and your houses.

Sincerely,
A dissatisfied customer.

It's 2006!

**Please go and wish my tenant a Happy New Year as well! Thanks!

---

HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!
I had sincerely planned to come and wish you all HNY individually, but alas! my plans changed and I have been away all weekend. In fact, I have yet to get home to my very own computer that knows me so well. (No, I'm not in rehab, but thanks for asking)

I'm sorry that I've been unable to visit this weekend, but I do want to share with you a couple of things from a treasured book from a treasured friend:

"My friends have made the story of my life."~~Helen Keller

"My only sketch, profile, of Heaven is a large blue sky...
larger than the biggest I have seen in June--
and in it are my friends--every one of them."~~Emily Dickinson

"Tell me whom you frequent, and I will tell you who you are."~~French Proverb

My 2005 was made better by you. I don't expect 2006 to be any different.

---

Now, as I find myself in a nearly identical predicament, I offer you a post from New Year's Eve, 2004.

---

The Panic Room

...aka my bedroom.
I wanted to add this entry earlier, but the feeling has only just now returned to my fingers.

THE TIME: 10:13am
THE DATE: Friday, Dec 31
THE MISSION: Get dressed & go to the grocery store (They do tend to rather strictly enforce that 'no clothes, no service' rule)

Seemed a simple enough task. I was flippant enough to LAUGH at its simplicity. C'mon, give me a real mission, why doncha?

Socks-check. Underwear-check. Grubby t-shirt-check. Jeans-ch...OH CHIT.

That's where the trouble began. I slid my jeans up, no worries. I reached for the button...sucked in my tum-tum, struggled a moment, but got the button buttoned.
THEN CAME THE ZIPPER. O dear Lord. I couldn't zip my pants. There was this strange bulge of (could it be fat?!) something in the way. I looked around for help..but unfortunately I was the only one in the room. Figures.
What's a girl to do?
Luckily I can think on my feet, so I fell back on the time-honored pants-zipping method used by teenage girls everywhere (if you remember back that far, when we actually wanted our jeans to fit like a second skin)...and lay myself down on the bed.
Five minutes and a bruised finger later, I triumphed over the evil zipper.
"AHA! VICTORY IS MINE!" I wanted to shout, but I couldn't draw breath enough to even wheeze it out.
As I lay there panting, I tried to figure out what had happened. Obviously, my jeans had shrunk in the wash, or something.
SURELY it couldn't have anything to do with the 47lbs. of fudge I've consumed over the past week or so, nor with the 23 Reese's Peanut butter trees, endless bags of M&Ms, two boxes of cordial cherries, cookies of every kind, or the entire box of Ferrero Rocher truffles.
SURELY not. Everyone knows that holiday calories don't even count~those are burned up in ADVANCE, what with the shopping and the wrapping and the decorating. It's a proven fact. I think I read that somewhere.

Then I had to stop wondering about it, because little black dots appeared before my eyes from the lack of oxygen. My fingers were going numb, and I couldn't feel my toes.
I HAD to get up from the bed. I flailed my arms & legs about, looking somewhat (at least in my imagination) like a turtle who'd gotten turned on it's shell.
I couldn't get up.
I started to hyperventilate, and of course there were no convenient paper bags lying around. OH if I could only make it to the kitchen!
I decided to roll back & forth to build up some momentum. Eventually, just when I though I would faint, something (I think it was the ghost who lives in my house, but that's another story for another day) gave me enough of a nudge that I rolled off the bed and onto the floor. Luckily I landed on my hands & knees so that I could crawl push myself up to my feet.
Unfortunately, I still couldn't breathe. Nor really walk. And to make matters worse, NOW I couldn't even reach the button of my jeans, as a huge roll of that same oogy substance that inhibited my zipper was now hanging over the waistband of my jeans and covering the button.
*sigh* Back to the bed.
Luckily the jeans decided to cooperate during the UNbuttoning and UNzipping phase of this operation...and I reached into the closet for a pair of sweatpants.
AH, SWEET BREATH O' LIFE.

I had to come up with a plan, and fast. I mean really, a girl can't wear sweatpants every day, can she? It's just a sad thing this happened today of all days...as by law I can't start a new diet until tomorrow. The FIRST of January. That's when all New Year's Resolutions are allowed to take place, and not a minute before!
So I am depending upon you to help me keep on the straight and narrow, slap my hand when it should reach for a potato chip or a bit of chocolate. It is now YOUR responsibility, and you must step up to the plate. Don't let me down, now.
Starting tomorrow.
First thing after brunch. Or dinner. Yeah, that's probably better. In fact, we should probably just wait until the SECOND of January, just to avoid any conflict with the 'GOOD LUCK' stuff you're supposed to eat on the first day of the year. Some of my 'GOOD LUCK' foods include cake and ice cream. So yeah, the SECOND. That'll work.

The good news is, I burned my pizza whilst I was stuck on the bed. So now I'll have to eat something else. Maybe I'll find a nice, healthy bag o' popcorn in the cabinet. Now make yourself useful and hand me the butter.