It's all about the big hair, baby.

If you missed the show live... well, that's okay, because we maxed out our spots on the server & people were jockeying for position! Chatroom was filled with fun and nudity. THE MUSIC WAS AWESOME, because that's how I roll. :)

I DIG THE 80s! was our theme (which yeah, I totally ripped off from VH-1. Sue me), and we had a great time!

GET THE PODCAST!

And mark your calendar for next week, as Jeckles will be my co-host as we play "BOOGIE NIGHTS"!

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and now for something completely different...

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Typos suck, especially when you're being insulting. Takes a lot of the sting out when you call someone a "cant".

---

I just wanted to mention that there are some people who think they're playing games with me, and maybe I pretend to be oblivious... BUT I SEE THROUGH YOU. I see what you're really like inside.
And it ain't as pretty as you like for people to think.

Just in case you were wondering.

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My darling friend Lisa is arranging a Boston tweet-up... I really, really want to go.
Keep your fingers crossed that I can get my boss to let me have some extra work to earn airline $$ AND that Sperm Donor will take the kids for a night and that the planets are all in perfect alignment, otherwise I won't be able to go.

Not that you care, but still. Cross your fingers for me anyway. Do it for our love. ♥

---

There was some other stuff that was supposed to go here, but I can't remember what it was.
I'm QUITE sure it was really, really important and electrifying, though.
Sorry.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

BUBBLES BUBBLES BUBBLES!

Okay, first off I have to say that I HATE HATE HATE doing the dishes. I'd (almost) rather clean the toilet - my kitchen is tiny & looks cluttered even if there are only a few dirty dishes.
And usually they're piled up, because the only dishwasher I have is...well, me and the two hands with which I'm typing right now.

So I signed up with Mom Central to review Clorox Green Works Dishsoap, but I did it with a heavy sigh.

For most things I'm not brand loyal - I'm more of a bargain shopper, but Clorox is one brand that I love. Especially the well known bleach. LOVE it. Different brands don't have the same feel and smell and CLEAN like Clorox does.
Also? I LOVE the fact that I get to test out "green" products - it's important for me to try to set a few good examples for my children. At least product wise, because I fail in most other ways.
Anyway.

I got some of this Clorox dishsoap, and I love it!
It smells gooooood, it makes lots of long lasting bubbles, and the dishes are squeaky clean - it cuts through grease like a champ (and you know in OkieLand we fry everything and then put gravy on it). AND it's made from plant-based biodegradable materials and packaged in bottles that can be recycled.

What's even better is that they have a WHOLE LINE of cleaners! All purpose cleaner, toilet bowl cleaner, glass cleaner.


It's long past time that I started caring about the environment & doing my part.
Don't you think you should too? Every little thing helps.

So you can make an informed decision...

Top Ten Reasons NOT To Vote For Me
in the Hot Blogger Calendar contest:

1. I'm already a giant attention whore.
READ MY BLOG! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! LISTEN TO MY LIVE SHOW! DOWNLOAD MY PODCAST! CHECK OUT MY RACK!
See? (okay, the rack is still pretty swell for 40)

2. That picture up in the sidebar is like 4 years old. Now I'm less cute and more wrinkly. Also fatter. But my hair still looks damn good.

3. As I may have mentioned about a hundred times before - I am not a very nice person. I just pretend to be so you'll like me and then I can treat you bad like I do all my real-life friends.

4. I say a lot of hateful things, and mostly I mean them.

5. If you start talking to me about politics, my eyes will glaze over and possibly I'll have a small stroke, because I'm absolutely apolitical. Yell at me all you want about how people like me are why there is never any real change, I promise it won't do any good - I'll just tell you what you want to hear so you'll SHUT THE FUCK UP already.

6. I firmly believe that a lot of that newfangled "Social Media" stuff is just an excuse for people to get together, get drunk, and sing karaoke. I really don't drink, so I'm underqualified. And people actually MAKE MONEY somehow. It's so confusing.

7. I really don't like people.

8. I am made of asshole.

9. I often feel a really strong urge to headstab people. Usually it's the same handful of folks, but occasionally there's a new & improved douchebag that I really, really want to get.

10. Probably you should now review #s 3, 4, 7 and 8 especially.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Some things which are of no particular importance.

Quote Of The Day...

In the Great Paragraph Of Life, I am usually out of context.

---

Yeah no, I don't really know what it means either.
But it sounded really smart when it was in my head.

---

So let me take a moment to mention that the voting is OPEN at Hot Blogger Calendar!

Yes, I consider it an honor to be nominated; no, I am not campaigning for votes (although, you know, if you vote for me and I win there could be something in it for you. Maybe).

I was reading on blogs and on Twitter all about how stupid the contest is and how "hot" is so subjective and how some of the people nominated were really very far from hot and how if "I were nominated I would SO ask to have my name removed" and how "this is a joke, right?" and blahblahblah.

How those people could even speak through the mouthsful (mouthfuls?) of sour grapes, I have no idea.

I say... sometimes, things are just for fun.
I say... I'm JAZZED someone liked me enough to nominate me.
I say... There's more to being HOT than just looks. (Obviously. I mean, Ms. America I ain't. And plus also I'm mean and sort of rude and occasionally have a fucking foul mouth, so I'm not going to win on personality. How the hell did I end up on the list anyway?) (OH yeah, bribery and sex. Don't try that at home - it's for professionals only).

If you don't like it, don't go to the site. But also, don't run your ever-flapping lame-hole about shit when you haven't even bothered to check it out.
Is all I'm saying.

---

If a hooker tells you that you look like such a professional, it's only polite to tell her she looks like a real pro too.

---

OH. Did you miss the All-Dedication Show on Friday?
Too bad. It was great.

But you can listen to the podcast, I GUESS:

Getting my pimp on.

First things first...
Would you LOOKA THAT? VOTE FOR ME when the voting opens. There may be a little som'm som'm in it for you.
You KNOW I'm a slut.

Come on, wouldn't you like a calendar with my picture on it? Maybe I'll get lucky & can be Ms. February and I'll wear strategically placed candy hearts.
IT COULD HAPPEN.

---

And also...
Don't forget to check out Mike's Place! Because he likes me better than you, I GET MY VERY OWN PAGE. Take a peep.

---

Last but not least...
TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific (okay OKAY, 8pm Mountain time)

Tonight we present: Call In Your Dedication with Delilah!
Okay, it's not really Delilah. It's me. But I'm ever so much cooler and stuff.

You'll have to add me to your skype: aka.monty

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

That is all.
Have a day.

Twitter Dating 101

I'm always just a tad bit surprised when I hear of all the hook-ups that happen on Twitter - up to and including a marriage proposal and acceptance! Also a later public announcement of the broken engagement, but that's another story.

Then again maybe it shouldn't surprise me, as I see some girls marketing their considerable "girlfriend" skills ... ever-so-subtly letting the boys know through their tweets that not only are they SO AVAILABLE, but also they're SUCH A GOOD CATCH, REALLY FOR REALS.

Oh, I know what you're thinking, but MY slutty "girlfriend" marketing skills are completely UNsubtle. I'll tell you straight out that I'd probably put out if you take me to the Neil Diamond concert here in October (although that deal ALSO requires that you buy me a concert t-shirt, but still).

So I was on my way to work this morning (I do my best daydreaming thinking in the car) and decided to tweet a series about what I imagine a twitter date would be like.

Or at least, what my twitter date would probably be like.

So if you missed it this morning...

---

---

Twitter Dating: A series. Tweet #1: "OMG @--- is even cuter than his mangatar! I need a tictac."

---

Twitter Dating #2: "@--- & I are at the movies watching Dark Knight. He "accidentally" touched my boob! Also he is hogging the popcorn."

---

Twitter Dating #3: "At dinner with @---. He has spinach in his teeth. SO GROSS but FUNNY, so I'm not going to tell him. DO NOT TWEET HIM!"

---

Twitter Dating #4: "OMG I'm totally DOING IT with @--- RIGHT NOW! After all, he DID spring for dinner & movie & you should see size of his c
(ed. note: Aw, too bad! That one must have been over 140 characters)

---

Twitter Dating #5: oaifhjkajsadhjuiwhrjh

---

Twitter Dating #6 (the next morning): "Hm. Daylight changes things. & now he knows where I live. I might have to move."

---

Twitter Dating #7: "Unfollowing/blocking @---."

The end.

Celebrity is like the bubbles in champagne

SAAAWOOON. I have hit the big time now! Comedy guru Mike Doe has given me my very own page at his place!

I am now such a starlet that I intend to go around in short skirts and no underwear... oh. Wait. Never mind - I already do that.

I intend to go get drunk and make a fool out of myself in public.... oh. Wait...

I intend to tip off the paparazzi whenever I leave my house so that they can follow me around & I can act all irritated and stuff and pretend I don't like it.
That is, if they ever return my calls. So far, no joy.

Who's got a camera?

Gee, your hair smells terrific!

but first...
If you missed Friday's live show...it was SOLD OUT. That's right, people had to take turns listening because we maxed out the server! Hopefully we can upgrade before next week.
Grab the podcast!

---

This product was a DEFINITE gimme for me and I was SO glad to get on the tour!
I've been a big fan of Suave for a long time, because
A. It makes my hair squeaky clean
B. My hair has a fresh, just-washed scent for a loooong time
and
3. It usually only costs about 99 cents a bottle (WOO!)

NOW they have a new Professional Hair Care line, comparable to Sebastian and L'Oreal's Matrix products.

I'm not really a vain person... except when it comes to my hair. I mean, I don't care if it gets all messy & windblown during the day, but dammit it looks nice when I start out in the morning.

One thing about Oklahoma summers is the freakin' HUMIDITY...it's like drinkable air. It is also The Suck.
And it makes my hair texture resemble that of a brillo pad (which may go some way to explaining my single-hood). So I got to try the SLEEK Shampoo and Conditioner... my frizzy little sticky-out pieces are now becoming tame! I'm not even kidding. We also got the VIBRANT SHINE Shampoo & Conditioner which I gave to my daughter to try - she doesn't always rinse well so her hair seems dull a lot of the time. We went outside the other day (I KNOW! I actually left the computer and WALKED OUTSIDE) and LO! she had shiny gold highlights. Who knew?

The Extra-Hold Mousse is ALSO fantastic - it's really thick textured but it goes on light. My hair's got some natural curl and when I use the mousse I don't even have to do anything else to my hair. Just scrunch & let it dry. Saves me about 10-15 minutes of blowdrying and curling. That gives me a-whole-nother cup of coffee AND twitter-time in the morning.

OH! One more thing. If you like the scent of coconut & suntan lotion, you should try the Suave Naturals Tropical Paradise Invisible Solid deodorant.
You know my weird thing about deodorant, right?

So boys, if you want to, you know, give me a hug or something, my hair smells awesome (and it's soft and swingy if you should want to oh, run your hands through it or something) and my underarms smell coconutty and yum.
Is all I'm saying.
Hint hint.

HEY YOU GUYS!

Hi kids! I'm playing hostess for Karl over at Secondhand Tryptophan today!
He's got a really groovy pad, come on over and keep me company! He left me the key to the liquor cabinet...and I know where the stash is too.

PAAAAARTAY!

How dumb ARE you?

Dear Everyone who will ever consider running for President of the US:

DON'T. FUCK. AROUND. ON. YOUR. SPOUSE.
Seriously, have you NOT been paying attention the last 40 or 50 years?
SOMEBODY ALWAYS TALKS. And then your poor spouse and kids get slapped in the face with YOUR weakness and infidelity over & over again.

It's simple: if you cheat on your spouse or your taxes, the story will come out.
IT WILL.

So suck it up, keep your dick in your pants, and don't humiliate your wife & kids.
mkay?
Good.

Sincerely tired of political foibles,
Monty

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ONE MORE THING.

Make sure you grab the podcast for last week's Friday Night Live - GEORGE-A-PALOOZA!
Lots of fun things happened.
You'll see.
Or, rather, HEAR.

Just a quick thought

Sometimes giving a gift is even better when nobody knows it's from you.

Getting organized with EYE CANDY!

Can you believe it is SCHOOL TIME ALREADY?! I know, right? Summer just started!
But my kids start back to school next week, which means THIS week will reduce me to a blubbering pool of useless goo due to the stress.
DO NOT LIKE Back-To-School because
1. Hate shopping for clothes
and
B. the ENDLESS HOOP-JUMPING.

The only thing I do like about back to school is the SUPPLIES. They're so much FUN now! I love all the cute folders, the neat packages of pencils and psychedelic pens - stuff is so much cooler now than it was when I went to school and our folders were either red, green, blue, yellow, or black. And plain.
The biggest thing that came along back then was when they introduced the ERASERMATE erasable ballpoint pen. WOO. Neato. And stuff.

So COLOR ME JAZZED that I got to review this bunch of goodies from Carolina Pad (Simply Chic and Eye Candy)...my daughter and I are currently squabbling over who gets what stuff.
(and PS I'm the mom so of course I will win)

Because the stuff is so nifty, I present to you a pictorial review (click the pic for the embiggened view):



You know, when I'm at the studio, my desk is neat and clean and organized... I can't work if it's all cluttered and crapped up. Unfortunately something seems to happen to my brain when I walk into my HOUSE, because there the clutter is comforting and I can't seem to fix it.
But NOW I've got all this cool stuff to help me get organized...



And this is cute, colorful stuff with houndstooth patterns and polka dots and stripes... there are magnets and notepads and post-its and pens and mouse pads and SO MUCH MORE!





Just so you know, ALL THIS GROOOOVY STUFF from Simply Chic and Eye Candy can be found at Wal-Mart or any of these stores.



PLUS ALSO!
What's better than free stuff? NOT MUCH.
So make sure you go to the Carolina Pad website and enter the monthly contest!

Now, who wants to go with me to the actual enrollment to ensure that I don't punch anyone this year? Anybody? Bueller?

Me thinks.

You may have already seen some of these on Twitter. But I'm trying to spend less time there, as it is a giant time-suck.

---

Smiling and telling people to 'have a nice day' when they're enraged is a sure-fire way to make them pop a vessel.
Also it's a source of great amusement for me.

---

If I should ever become an "A-List" blogger (I KNOW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!), I will go out of my way to be approachable and not a total douchebag.

---

You know you've been watching too much porn when you're actually surprised - and a little disappointed- that the pizza-delivery guy didn't make a move on you.

---

Nothing says "I love you" like a $20 in the g-string.

---

I stole the term "girl-wood" from one of Golfwidow's podcasts.

---

The best way to be remembered by your gyno is to ALWAYS carry a strand of pearls to drape artfully across your vajayjay -while half-closing your eyes and biting your lip in a sexy manner- during the exam.

---

I'm not good or bad, I'm just inevitable.

---

Sometimes when I say "you're the whole package!" what I really mean is "you're a real tool".

---

If I was a hooker, I would nickname my vagina "The Money Pit".

---

I wanted to be a massage therapist, then I realized my aversion to touching strangers might prove a wee bit of a hindrance.

---

I giggle every time I hear the commercial where the burly guy says "I'm so glad I switched to Cox!" Say it out loud. It's funny. Yes, I'm 12.

---

I'd like to tell myself that if I didn't work full time & had help with the kids, my house would be cleaner. But that'd probably be a lie.

---

I have given my phone # out more times on twitter than I did that time I got really drunk at the bar & danced on the speaker.

---

I was surprised to see that Speedos are no longer the fashion in Olympic men's swimming. Guess they needed to streamline their junk to be more hydrodynamic.

---

You know you're really old when that hot mermaid tattoo you got at 18 now just looks like a manatee.

---

Just trying to make it a little easier for you...

First, a HUGE THANK YOU to those fabulous and very good friends who tune in nearly every week, who make me laugh in the chatroom, and who download the show afterward.
You're the best.
♥♥♥

Double Shot Of My Baby's Love...or something like that.

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific (okay OKAY, 8pm Mountain time)

Tonight we present: DOUBLE-SHOT FRIDAY!
It's more than just music. It's a drinking game.
The best of both worlds, yes?
AND!
A special DOUBLE-THEME tonight that you don't want to miss!

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Come get a double-shot of my love, baby.