Dear Girl Who Plays Lilly Rush on that show Cold Case:
Hi. I've watched your show a couple-three times and I wasn't going to say anything, but...but...it's your hair. I'm sorry, but you have the worst, stringiest hair I've ever seen on TV. And is that a weave? Because it looks like one of the cheap ones.
And whatever did you do to make your make-up artist hate you so much? The most unflattering colors imaginable, and it always looks smeary and smudged like you've spent the last hour making out in your trailer or maybe you've just come off a three-day bender. (I applaud the making out, but still--THINK LIP LINER. It is not a tool of the devil. Is all I'm saying)
What I'm getting at is that Courtney Love ain't got nothin' on you.
And PS you might think about getting out into the sunshine once in a while.
Love,
A concerned once-in-a-blue-moon viewer
Dear People Who Made That Show Moonlight,
I really loved the show...in its first incarnation, when it was called "Angel".
And plus David Boreanaz was much hotter. And broody & sensitive, which is why women everywhere loved him and wished that he would come and bite their necks.
Sincerely,
A Buffy Fan
Dear Pamela Anderson,
PLEASE.STOP.GETTING.MARRIED.
Especially to losers who make sex tapes with Paris Hilton. You're getting PARIS'S sloppy seconds, for crap's sake.
Thank you,
The girl who knew you and Kid Rock would never last.
(You should really learn to listen to me)
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Saturday Ad Circular
I haven't plugged the BossLady in quite some time--but with autumn upon us and winter not far behind I thought I'd let you designer mavens know that we've got TONS of BRAND NEW stuff--with tags!--(including deliciously soft cashmere & silk jackets and sweaters) for 70%-75% OFF the retail price.
If you go for vintage clothing, we've got plenty of that as well...some of it will be PERFECT for making your HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!
OH YEAH! And we've got some NEW IN THE BOX gorgeous shoes and buttery soft leather boots--Prada, Marni, Stella McCartney, Steve Madden, Alexander McQueen, & MORE!
AND! BIG $9.99 SALE on a big ol' bunch of stuff--some NEW WITH TAGS!
Come visit our store and buy lots of stuff. Do your Christmas shopping with us!
COCKTAIL DRESSES and FORMAL DRESSES for those holiday parties are being added now!
New stuff added daily!!
Hey, it's better than google ads, right? Right.
I love you. Pass it on.
If you go for vintage clothing, we've got plenty of that as well...some of it will be PERFECT for making your HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!
OH YEAH! And we've got some NEW IN THE BOX gorgeous shoes and buttery soft leather boots--Prada, Marni, Stella McCartney, Steve Madden, Alexander McQueen, & MORE!
AND! BIG $9.99 SALE on a big ol' bunch of stuff--some NEW WITH TAGS!
Come visit our store and buy lots of stuff. Do your Christmas shopping with us!
COCKTAIL DRESSES and FORMAL DRESSES for those holiday parties are being added now!
New stuff added daily!!
Hey, it's better than google ads, right? Right.
I love you. Pass it on.
Friday, September 28, 2007
How To Spend A Friday Night
Friday Night Live with Monty!
Empire Radio.
Two hours of the best mix of music on the 'net, plus Reality TV updates, your horoscope, and...me.
You can listen while you play your geeky RPGs.
You can listen while you surf pr0n.
You can listen while you write your next blog post.
I can be inspiring, you know.
Tune it in. TURN IT UP.
Chat room will be open!
**interested in going on the air for an interview? email me!
THANK YOU Mr. Fabulous for the big packet of CDs!
THANK YOU Kim for the cool snapfish cards!
(Do you KNOW how much I love getting packages in the mail? Because I do)
Dear Friend,
Perhaps you should have devoted more time to keeping the (loyal) friends you already had instead of always trying to gather more and more acquaintances in the name of "Popularity".
Is all I'm saying.
Been nice knowin' you.
Sincerely,
Monty
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Why Thursday Sucks in three part harmony.
Terrifying moment of the day:
So I was at a drive-thru window because it's HOT outside and I needed a big iced tea (oKAY! So it was a big iced tea AND a grilled chicken snack wrap)(and small fries) and all the windows were down and I turned my head and BAM! GIANT RED WASP IN MY FACE!
Well, he was a few inches from my face, but really anywhere closer than five feet is TOO CLOSE.
I handled it okay, though...I screamed and nearly crashed into the building whilst frantically feeling around for the window roller-upper button, bobbing and weaving in the seat trying to keep it from getting ALL THE WAY INSIDE where it would be free to fly about and terrorize me, in which case I would have had to park the car and walk home & watch the wasp do a little victory dance because he 'jacked my ride.
(Okay, so it was a CRISPY chicken snack wrap and not grilled. STOP INTERROGATING ME!)
Dear Mom,
Yes, I know how you're always right and how you never ever forget stuff. Remember how you bought my son a bed without telling me? That was cool, and I really appreciated it! I mentioned at the time that I had no way to haul off the old mattress & box springs. And DAD was the one who put the old stuff on my front porch, telling me he & my brother would (eventually) haul it to the dump.
And the mattress & box springs sat there. And sat. And sat. And sat. AAAAND sat.
Look, I know I said I was going toREMIND ask dad & Shawn to haul it off this past weekend. Well, I FORGOT.
Yes, I asked Shawn to help me get the stuff off my porch last night and put it in the garage.
Yes, Shawn wasn't paying attention & smashed his finger between two panels of the garage door.
Yes, I feel TERRIBLY guilty about it because he was hurt while helping me. Did you know I've smashed my finger in that door before? I have. I probably didn't mention it because really, what's the point? It hurt, turned purple, healed up. Shit happens.
Here's the point: When I call to see if there's anything I can do, to check on my brother, and ask if the finger is broken, it is NOT NECESSARY for you to say, "Probably it's broken. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM HAUL IT TO THE DUMP, not the GARAGE!"
Yeah, that doesn't have anything to do with anything, but thanks for twisting the knife in my already guilty-feeling heart.
You really need to stop doing that, because as the oldest someday I'll be in charge of picking your nursing home. You want to remember THAT.
Love,
Your stupid irresponsible daughter
Dear Sperm Donor,
I just wanted to tell you that I find it...interesting...that you go on and on about how you can't afford to drive all the way up here from Texas (which is why I usually meet you halfway between your house & mine), but your wife can drive from Texas to Arkansas to see her grandbaby.
I find it even more interesting that since your wife wants to come up here to the city to "see her son's condo that he just moved into", you can afford to make the weekend trip.
I find it most interesting of all that you won't give me a straight answer regarding whether or not you'll be keeping BOTH kids overnight or just your daughter. You'll have to "get back to me on that".
Until you do, I can't make any plans for that weekend.
Fuck you very much.
Dislike,
The-lady-who-is-tired-of-hearing-your-sob-stories-about-how-you-don't-have
any-money-but-yet-you-took-a-second-job-to-pay-THOUSANDS-in-chemo-for-your-DOG
because-it-had-leukemia-and-you-have-two-new-cars-and-new-house-but-I-had-to-BEG
for-$60-to-SPLIT-your-daughter's-band-supply-costs.
So I was at a drive-thru window because it's HOT outside and I needed a big iced tea (oKAY! So it was a big iced tea AND a grilled chicken snack wrap)(and small fries) and all the windows were down and I turned my head and BAM! GIANT RED WASP IN MY FACE!
Well, he was a few inches from my face, but really anywhere closer than five feet is TOO CLOSE.
I handled it okay, though...I screamed and nearly crashed into the building whilst frantically feeling around for the window roller-upper button, bobbing and weaving in the seat trying to keep it from getting ALL THE WAY INSIDE where it would be free to fly about and terrorize me, in which case I would have had to park the car and walk home & watch the wasp do a little victory dance because he 'jacked my ride.
(Okay, so it was a CRISPY chicken snack wrap and not grilled. STOP INTERROGATING ME!)
Dear Mom,
Yes, I know how you're always right and how you never ever forget stuff. Remember how you bought my son a bed without telling me? That was cool, and I really appreciated it! I mentioned at the time that I had no way to haul off the old mattress & box springs. And DAD was the one who put the old stuff on my front porch, telling me he & my brother would (eventually) haul it to the dump.
And the mattress & box springs sat there. And sat. And sat. And sat. AAAAND sat.
Look, I know I said I was going to
Yes, I asked Shawn to help me get the stuff off my porch last night and put it in the garage.
Yes, Shawn wasn't paying attention & smashed his finger between two panels of the garage door.
Yes, I feel TERRIBLY guilty about it because he was hurt while helping me. Did you know I've smashed my finger in that door before? I have. I probably didn't mention it because really, what's the point? It hurt, turned purple, healed up. Shit happens.
Here's the point: When I call to see if there's anything I can do, to check on my brother, and ask if the finger is broken, it is NOT NECESSARY for you to say, "Probably it's broken. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM HAUL IT TO THE DUMP, not the GARAGE!"
Yeah, that doesn't have anything to do with anything, but thanks for twisting the knife in my already guilty-feeling heart.
You really need to stop doing that, because as the oldest someday I'll be in charge of picking your nursing home. You want to remember THAT.
Love,
Your stupid irresponsible daughter
Dear Sperm Donor,
I just wanted to tell you that I find it...interesting...that you go on and on about how you can't afford to drive all the way up here from Texas (which is why I usually meet you halfway between your house & mine), but your wife can drive from Texas to Arkansas to see her grandbaby.
I find it even more interesting that since your wife wants to come up here to the city to "see her son's condo that he just moved into", you can afford to make the weekend trip.
I find it most interesting of all that you won't give me a straight answer regarding whether or not you'll be keeping BOTH kids overnight or just your daughter. You'll have to "get back to me on that".
Until you do, I can't make any plans for that weekend.
Fuck you very much.
Dislike,
The-lady-who-is-tired-of-hearing-your-sob-stories-about-how-you-don't-have
any-money-but-yet-you-took-a-second-job-to-pay-THOUSANDS-in-chemo-for-your-DOG
because-it-had-leukemia-and-you-have-two-new-cars-and-new-house-but-I-had-to-BEG
for-$60-to-SPLIT-your-daughter's-band-supply-costs.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
You know you secretly love Memes. You DO.
Shamelessly heisted from Chaz, who swiped it from someone else...
A Music Meme.
*Put your MP3 player on shuffle, write down the first lines of the first twenty-five songs that come up, and then have people guess which songs they are.
Like Chaz, if the first line or two gave away the title I used the next lines.
1. Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?/I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season
2. Cover me when I run/Cover me through the fire
3. When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide/Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
4. Don't cry to me/If you love me/You would be here with me
5. I live my life like there's no tomorrow/And all I've got I had to steal
6. Makin' a livin' the old hard way/Takin' and givin' my day by day
7. On a long & lonesome highway east of Omaha/you can listen to the engine moanin' out its one note song
8. I don't need a-whole lots of money/I don't need a big fine car
9. Friday night I crashed your party/Saturday I said I'm sorry
10. I-I-I don't wanna know your name/'cause you don't look the same/the way you did before
11. I'm stayin' here with some friends and they've got lots of room/You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk/By a café where I hope to be workin' soon
12. Mirror, mirror, on the wall/the face you show me scares me so
13. Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars/Oak tree you're in my way
14. I'm comin over, see me down at the station/By the lane with my hands in my pocket
15. Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?/You know I gave you the world, you had me in the palm of your hand
16. I gave a girl a ride in the wagon/she crawled in and took control
17. I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green/I hope when you're in bed with her you think of me
18. When you grow up, livin' like a good boy oughta/and a Mama takes a shine to her best son
19. Seems like the other day/My baby went away/He went away 'cross the sea
20. A winter's day/in a deep and dark December/I am alone
21. Ain't no two ways about it/I just can't live without ya
22. Blow 'round by the wind/thrown down in a spin
23. I hear the ticking of the clock/I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
24. And let me play among the stars/Let me see what spring is like/On Jupiter and Mars
25. I want you/But takin' it easy ain't an easy thing to do/And I want you, want you/you must know
P.S. Remember, I'm old.
P.P.S. Forgive any misheard lyrics. I once thought "Jet Airliner" lyrics were "Big old Chad and Lionel, don't carry me too far away"
A Music Meme.
*Put your MP3 player on shuffle, write down the first lines of the first twenty-five songs that come up, and then have people guess which songs they are.
Like Chaz, if the first line or two gave away the title I used the next lines.
1. Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?/I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season
2. Cover me when I run/Cover me through the fire
3. When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide/Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
4. Don't cry to me/If you love me/You would be here with me
5. I live my life like there's no tomorrow/And all I've got I had to steal
6. Makin' a livin' the old hard way/Takin' and givin' my day by day
7. On a long & lonesome highway east of Omaha/you can listen to the engine moanin' out its one note song
8. I don't need a-whole lots of money/I don't need a big fine car
9. Friday night I crashed your party/Saturday I said I'm sorry
10. I-I-I don't wanna know your name/'cause you don't look the same/the way you did before
11. I'm stayin' here with some friends and they've got lots of room/You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk/By a café where I hope to be workin' soon
12. Mirror, mirror, on the wall/the face you show me scares me so
13. Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars/Oak tree you're in my way
14. I'm comin over, see me down at the station/By the lane with my hands in my pocket
15. Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?/You know I gave you the world, you had me in the palm of your hand
16. I gave a girl a ride in the wagon/she crawled in and took control
17. I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green/I hope when you're in bed with her you think of me
18. When you grow up, livin' like a good boy oughta/and a Mama takes a shine to her best son
19. Seems like the other day/My baby went away/He went away 'cross the sea
20. A winter's day/in a deep and dark December/I am alone
21. Ain't no two ways about it/I just can't live without ya
22. Blow 'round by the wind/thrown down in a spin
23. I hear the ticking of the clock/I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
24. And let me play among the stars/Let me see what spring is like/On Jupiter and Mars
25. I want you/But takin' it easy ain't an easy thing to do/And I want you, want you/you must know
P.S. Remember, I'm old.
P.P.S. Forgive any misheard lyrics. I once thought "Jet Airliner" lyrics were "Big old Chad and Lionel, don't carry me too far away"
Monday, September 24, 2007
Fun With Google
Just a few of the search terms that have brought the perverts people here this week:
"Two Dogs Fucking" - Yep, still one of my favorite jokes.
"Scientific word for eating a girl" - Um...cannibalism?
"Lime green boogers" - Okay, I understood the chocolate covered ones, but I know I've never said anything about lime green. And I really don't think they taste like lime. Maybe green apple.
"Birthday wish for an older woman" - Might I suggest one of these? I think it's one size fits all. Or maybe one of these.
Either/or.
"Two Dogs Fucking" - Yep, still one of my favorite jokes.
"Scientific word for eating a girl" - Um...cannibalism?
"Lime green boogers" - Okay, I understood the chocolate covered ones, but I know I've never said anything about lime green. And I really don't think they taste like lime. Maybe green apple.
"Birthday wish for an older woman" - Might I suggest one of these? I think it's one size fits all. Or maybe one of these.
Either/or.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
an old conversation
no-longer-a-friend, really: "I gave birth to an 8 pound baby, yours was just over a pound. You can't possibly understand the pain I was in. Yours couldn't have hurt that much."
Me: "I had a vaginal birth and a caesarean within an hour of each other. Top that."
no-longer-a-friend, really: "...."
Me: "Plus, what came out was still bigger than anything that ever went in."
That is all.
Have a day.
Me: "I had a vaginal birth and a caesarean within an hour of each other. Top that."
no-longer-a-friend, really: "...."
Me: "Plus, what came out was still bigger than anything that ever went in."
That is all.
Have a day.
When in doubt, quiz.
but first...
Do you know Mr. Fabulous? The F-Man? if you don't, you should. Mostly I like him because he makes me laugh with his often twisted and dark humor, but it doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm the best DJ ever. (you people know that I'm easy and can be had for a compliment)(and plus I AM the best DJ ever)
Anyway...
Mr. Fab has decided that he really, really wants to win Best Humor Blog in the Blogger's Choice Awards, so I'm fixin' to lend a helping hand. (Notice in my sidebar that I have been nominated for a couple Blogger's Choice Awards, but I don't have very many votes. *sigh*)
Help the F-Man win this category--srsly, dooce isn't really that funny. I'm so over her and I pity those of you who aren't.
Let's help one of the "little people" win (no, he's not a dwarf or midget--at least, not that I'm aware of, I mean one of the commoners) and go cast your vote now!
Do you know Mr. Fabulous? The F-Man? if you don't, you should. Mostly I like him because he makes me laugh with his often twisted and dark humor, but it doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm the best DJ ever. (you people know that I'm easy and can be had for a compliment)(and plus I AM the best DJ ever)
Anyway...
Mr. Fab has decided that he really, really wants to win Best Humor Blog in the Blogger's Choice Awards, so I'm fixin' to lend a helping hand. (Notice in my sidebar that I have been nominated for a couple Blogger's Choice Awards, but I don't have very many votes. *sigh*)
Help the F-Man win this category--srsly, dooce isn't really that funny. I'm so over her and I pity those of you who aren't.
Let's help one of the "little people" win (no, he's not a dwarf or midget--at least, not that I'm aware of, I mean one of the commoners) and go cast your vote now!
You Scored an A |
 You got 10/10 questions correct. It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes. |
You Are Olive Green |
 You are the most real of all the green shades. You're always true to yourself. For you, authenticity and honesty are very important... both in others and yourself. You are grounded and secure. It takes a lot to shake you. People see you as dependable, probably the most dependable person they know. |
Friday, September 21, 2007
quickie
Missed the show last night? Never fear, you can CLICK RIGHT HERE and then "Play" or "Download". Easy, no?
You don't want to miss out on the Girl Power! show...every song had a girl's name in the title...From Zappa to Costello, BNL to Dr. Hook, Fountains of Wayne to Cat Stevens...AND MORE!
Dear Cutie-pie who put a new tire on my car for me this morning,
Have you ever heard the song "Older Women Are Beautiful Lovers"?
Think about it.
Rawr.
Love,
The Cougar
You don't want to miss out on the Girl Power! show...every song had a girl's name in the title...From Zappa to Costello, BNL to Dr. Hook, Fountains of Wayne to Cat Stevens...AND MORE!
Dear Cutie-pie who put a new tire on my car for me this morning,
Have you ever heard the song "Older Women Are Beautiful Lovers"?
Think about it.
Rawr.
Love,
The Cougar
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Cinderella
My mind is logjammed, lately; trying to unstick a single (coherent) thought is next to impossible.
Been thinking about my daughter. You know how awesome she is, right? Right. She is. Everyone thinks so, it isn't just me.
You ever wonder if your kid has a calling of some sort? Because I wonder that sometimes. When she became interested in going to church I was very happy--I'm a semi-regular churchgoer and I was glad that she was curious. She loves going to church. She loves being involved with church. She asked her teachers at school if it was okay to pray in class and/or talk about God--some teachers said yes and some said no--and I thought, "When I was her age I would've been too embarrassed to do that".
And my girl? She's the one who sits with different kids every day at lunch, especially if she notices someone sitting alone. No cliques or BFFs for her, no sirree. Where does she get that? Not from me. I'm WAY less of a good person than she is. I don't know how she's not totally fucked up with me as a mother, quite frankly.
She doesn't pout for more than a few minutes and never holds a grudge--again, totally my opposite. If I yell at her or get on to her for something, 10 minutes later all is forgotten and forgiven. How does she do that??
At home she's a Godsend--literally. I don't know how we'd get out the door every morning if not for her. She packs her brother's backpack, and half the time she feeds him breakfast while I get everything else ready.
She feeds him dinner MORE than half the time...I get it ready and she does the feeding while I work.
She never complains about it. When I say, "Do you mind doing this?" she always answers, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
When she goes outside to check the mail, or when she's getting ready to run next door to see if Grandma has any chocolate milk, she ALWAYS says, "Be right back, Ma!"
(I've brainwashed her into the belief that I need to know where she is every single minute)
When I was so sick a couple-three weeks ago, she was my nurse. She even did the laundry without being asked. She offered (several times) to walk up to the 7-11 to get me a drink/food/aspirin.
Her brother is much too heavy for her to lift, but one morning (while sick) I got up to find that she'd dragged him into a sitting position against the head of his bed and fed him breakfast because she "knew I needed my sleep to get well & didn't want to wake me up".
Wow.
Yeah.
She's a better mom than I am. Hell with that, she's a better person than I am.
So then I have to wonder (and this is really the whole point I was trying to reach)...
Is she suffering under the burden of her responsibilities?
Have I piled too, too much upon those thin little shoulders?
Am I stealing her childhood?
Am I selfishly sucking the...the kidness...out of her simply because it makes my life easier?
I don't know. I worry about that a lot.
And it shames me to think that it may be so.
I can tell you one thing for certain, though: God suuuure knew what He was doing when He gave me the kids I've got.
Been thinking about my daughter. You know how awesome she is, right? Right. She is. Everyone thinks so, it isn't just me.
You ever wonder if your kid has a calling of some sort? Because I wonder that sometimes. When she became interested in going to church I was very happy--I'm a semi-regular churchgoer and I was glad that she was curious. She loves going to church. She loves being involved with church. She asked her teachers at school if it was okay to pray in class and/or talk about God--some teachers said yes and some said no--and I thought, "When I was her age I would've been too embarrassed to do that".
And my girl? She's the one who sits with different kids every day at lunch, especially if she notices someone sitting alone. No cliques or BFFs for her, no sirree. Where does she get that? Not from me. I'm WAY less of a good person than she is. I don't know how she's not totally fucked up with me as a mother, quite frankly.
She doesn't pout for more than a few minutes and never holds a grudge--again, totally my opposite. If I yell at her or get on to her for something, 10 minutes later all is forgotten and forgiven. How does she do that??
At home she's a Godsend--literally. I don't know how we'd get out the door every morning if not for her. She packs her brother's backpack, and half the time she feeds him breakfast while I get everything else ready.
She feeds him dinner MORE than half the time...I get it ready and she does the feeding while I work.
She never complains about it. When I say, "Do you mind doing this?" she always answers, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
When she goes outside to check the mail, or when she's getting ready to run next door to see if Grandma has any chocolate milk, she ALWAYS says, "Be right back, Ma!"
(I've brainwashed her into the belief that I need to know where she is every single minute)
When I was so sick a couple-three weeks ago, she was my nurse. She even did the laundry without being asked. She offered (several times) to walk up to the 7-11 to get me a drink/food/aspirin.
Her brother is much too heavy for her to lift, but one morning (while sick) I got up to find that she'd dragged him into a sitting position against the head of his bed and fed him breakfast because she "knew I needed my sleep to get well & didn't want to wake me up".
Wow.
Yeah.
She's a better mom than I am. Hell with that, she's a better person than I am.
So then I have to wonder (and this is really the whole point I was trying to reach)...
Is she suffering under the burden of her responsibilities?
Have I piled too, too much upon those thin little shoulders?
Am I stealing her childhood?
Am I selfishly sucking the...the kidness...out of her simply because it makes my life easier?
I don't know. I worry about that a lot.
And it shames me to think that it may be so.
I can tell you one thing for certain, though: God suuuure knew what He was doing when He gave me the kids I've got.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Most Awesome Thing Ever
Unbeknownst to me, my friend Ranger videotaped us last evening while we were having a dance-off. We gots mad skillz, as I'm sure you'll agree:
Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!
I should be working right now.
But I had to take a break and say THANK YOU and give some hugs & whiskery smooches to Buddah and Max The Psychokitty. Purrrrrrrrrr.
I was just thinking I should create a stuffed toy monkey for adults, and when you squeeze certain areas it will say things like, "Wanna play hide the banana, chiquita?" and "Have you spanked your monkey today?"
Look for me on QVC, or one of those annoying all day infomercial thingies that cover all the channels every Saturday & Sunday.
Order now while supplies last!
CRAPOLA! I almost forgot to give you the heads-up: don't forget that TOMORROW, 9/19, is TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!
I was just thinking I should create a stuffed toy monkey for adults, and when you squeeze certain areas it will say things like, "Wanna play hide the banana, chiquita?" and "Have you spanked your monkey today?"
Look for me on QVC, or one of those annoying all day infomercial thingies that cover all the channels every Saturday & Sunday.
Order now while supplies last!
CRAPOLA! I almost forgot to give you the heads-up: don't forget that TOMORROW, 9/19, is TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Mother Talk Book Review! Come & Get it
"Shakespeare, Mr. Pearl, is not just art. It's a religion." ~~Athenaide, Interred With Their BonesWhen I was offered the chance to review a suspense novel for Mother Talk, I jumped right on it because I LOVE LOVE LOVE this type of book.
It's called Interred With Their Bones (bring back any high school memories?) by Jennifer Lee Carrell.
Here's what:
The book opens with the burning of The Globe theatre, in Shakespeare's own time...and segues nicely into present day and a frantic search for works of literature and art, zipping across countries, finding clues and deciphering their meanings, and an ever-growing cast of characters.
A long lost Shakespearean play, a second burning of The Globe, anxiety that you can feel...mine shafts and Shakespeare In The Park, murder and betrayal.
There are a couple of very significant plot twists that I didn't even see coming. I'm not one of those people who always says, regarding book or movie, "OH, I had it figured out way before the end!"
(P.S. I really hate those people. We get it; you're smarter than everyone else. Okay then. You're also very very annoying)
Anyway. I don't actively try to figure out the plots, for the most part--if the story is truly engaging then I'm traveling right along with the characters, finding out what THEY find out as they do it.
You know, every few years it seems the headline pops up: "Was Shakespeare Really The Author?"
Funnily enough, it has popped up again--I just read a Yahoo! teaser about two weeks ago that proclaimed the same thing. Apparently this becomes a hot-button issue every so often. Truthfully I've never thought much about it...until I read this book.
I have to tell you that there is compelling evidence that Shakespeare actually...
Well. You'll have to read the book and find out. A lot of the historical information is fact-based due to the author's own fascination with and study of The Bard.
This novel is wonderfully prose-y...typically I don't prefer that in my suspense novels but it was beautifully written without being overdone.
And also? I learned many new Shakespearean quotes, which is a bonus because, well, quoting Shakespeare makes me sound smarter.
This book is a definite YES, READ IT! from me.(and just to whet your appetite, here's a little bit of backstory from the book)
Now I shall amaze you with my smartness:
"The evil that men do
lives after them;
the good is oft
interred with their bones."
Thank you, and goodnight.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Just do it or else.
Missed my show on Friday night? I forgive you. Again.
You can make it up to me by going to this page and clicking "Play".
You've already heard the songs on your playlist, now come listen to mine.
Why does my son's room always smell like the zoo?
Do little boys secrete some weird monkey scent while they sleep?
When I was a little girl, my great-grandpa (Papa) told me that I could dig straight through the ground into China.
I dug a lot of holes in his backyard that summer.
Of course, I also thought Hell was located in the center of the earth, so I spent several hours wondering how I was going to stop The Devil from getting me as I was digging through his territory.
Four feet down I imagined that the earth beneath my feet was getting warmish, so I gave up my quest.
I still want to go to China, though.
**ADDENDUM: Do you suppose that, in China, there are hundreds of holes in backyards, heading toward America?
You can make it up to me by going to this page and clicking "Play".
You've already heard the songs on your playlist, now come listen to mine.
Why does my son's room always smell like the zoo?
Do little boys secrete some weird monkey scent while they sleep?
When I was a little girl, my great-grandpa (Papa) told me that I could dig straight through the ground into China.
I dug a lot of holes in his backyard that summer.
Of course, I also thought Hell was located in the center of the earth, so I spent several hours wondering how I was going to stop The Devil from getting me as I was digging through his territory.
Four feet down I imagined that the earth beneath my feet was getting warmish, so I gave up my quest.
I still want to go to China, though.
**ADDENDUM: Do you suppose that, in China, there are hundreds of holes in backyards, heading toward America?
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Rhetorically speaking...
Say, did you ever have to run down to the local 7-11 (or similar) right after you'd finished off a pint of Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide? And then, when you get back into your car AFTER getting your bottle of water, roll of tums, and sunflower seeds (salted in the shell!) you glance in the rear-view mirror only to see a smear of coffee-fudge-swirl on your lip?
Oh. Yeah. Me neither.
I was just askin'.
Oh. Yeah. Me neither.
I was just askin'.
Great State Fair & Okie Blog Awards
Yes, it's that time of year when our Great State Fair rolls into town...and I need to go on the stroll to check out the carnies--perhaps THIS will BE.MY.YEAR.
Kidding.
But I may be that desperate soon.
AND!
IT IS TIME FOR THE OKIE BLOGGER AWARDS!
Thanks to the person(s)I've got totally fooled responsible for nominating me--I was pleasantly surprised to see my name pop up a couple of times! I'm honored to be among some of my most favorite people in the world, like Brian, Chaz, Ammie, Melessa, and Steph (just to mention a very few). And BIG THANKS to The Man Behind The Scenes who goes to all the trouble of handling all the pesky details.
IF YOU ARE AN OKLAHOMA BLOGGER, you can vote your little heart out.
No, not necessarily for me; there are many, many better blogs than this that you should check out.
If you're not an Okie Blogger,then it sucks to be you then I would say even though you can't vote, you really should check out my competition.
Ironically (portentiously?) Beck's Loser just now came up on my playlist and blasted through my headphones.
Kidding.
But I may be that desperate soon.
AND!IT IS TIME FOR THE OKIE BLOGGER AWARDS!
Thanks to the person(s)
IF YOU ARE AN OKLAHOMA BLOGGER, you can vote your little heart out.
No, not necessarily for me; there are many, many better blogs than this that you should check out.
If you're not an Okie Blogger,
Ironically (portentiously?) Beck's Loser just now came up on my playlist and blasted through my headphones.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
OH and PS
I promise there will be something here other than reviews soon. But, you know, FREE STUFF.
Eating my words
Okay, so I've been pretty well opposed to kids+cell phones. I don't think kids need phones at school; after all, I didn't have one back then (of course, no one else did either, but still) and my family managed to get along just fine.Then the fab folks at Mom Central Consulting and MotherTalk offered the opportunity to test out a cell-phone geared for a kid's use. What can I say? I said yes. Also I was thinking that this one particular boy could now STOP CALLING MY DAUGHTER ON MY PHONE, because if I don't answer he leaves a 5 minute message. Sometimes with singing.
Last week we got the package from Kajeet and my first thought was HEY! This has a camera! And it is WAY COOLER than my phone..that sucks!
And it is cool.
The buttons are all clearly labeled with 'back', 'end', 'speaker phone', and 'talk'.
The button for the camera has a picture of...well, a camera.
Much easier to figure out than my phone, too.
Checked out the Kajeet website and it's pretty user friendly as well. The most excellent thing about this phone service is that I can log in and see who has called my baby girl, who SHE has called, who's been texting and how much, AND I can block any and all phone calls during certain hours if I want to (like after 8pm, or during school hours, or...WEEKENDS, if she's in trouble with me. HAHA! I love that part).
Worried about a big phone bill? Don't be. It's pay as you go. Whatever is in the account can be spent (yes, there is a charge per call AND a charge per text message)...but when it's gone, TOO BAD SO SAD, kiddo. This works in my favor around the house too, because I made it clear that part of a certain little girl's allowance would have to pay for her phone use, and if that little girl's chores were not done then NO allowance would be forthcoming. (I should add that the allowance thing is new--chores have been done free of charge up 'til now. Because that's how it works here in MontyLand)
One more thing: you can sign up for the service and activate your account online (OH! And separate passwords & usernames for you and the kid) or you can call customer service. I chose to check out the customer service center--mostly because so many companies have really crappy CS agents.
NOT SO HERE. I dealt with a girl named Tory and she was a treasure. She should get a raise. She was patient and explained everything to me clearly, took me through the steps one by one, and was a sweet and lovely sounding girl.
BIG bonus points for stellar customer service.
So if you ARE going to
Monday, September 10, 2007
MotherTalk Book Review - The Dark Dreamweaver
I was pleased at the opportunity from Mother Talk to review, with my 12-year-old daughter, another young adult book: The Dark Dreamweaver, by Nick Ruth.The storyline sounded entertaining (if quite familiar--young boy sucked into an unfamiliar magical place to do battle with Evil), and we dove right in.
Okay. I read the back of the book and evidently this story has received several awards and honors, so I was feeling pretty good about it.
Turns out that after finishing the book, I'm sort of on the fence.
But we'll start with the good stuff, since the not-so-good stuff could be corrected.
Here's what: A young boy, David, is having nightmares in which a robe-clad creature is starring...and the creature appears to be evil. The local news reports that people are having terrible nightmares everywhere...a Mystery!
David begins hearing voices whilst awake...and discovered that his caterpillar (which hatched from one of the butterfly eggs he'd collected) was actually a transformed wizard, and the tiny wizard was stuck in an accelerated life cycle of the Monarch butterfly.
In order to help save the wizard AND the wizard's homeland, David must go on an adventure to stop the Evil Wizard from making all mankind suffer from nightmares forever.
My daughter really loved it. Since reading her first wizarding/fantasy book about You-Know-Who, she's really into that genre. That's okay with me, I like it too. When she was finished I asked her what she thought and she said, "I loved it! It was exciting and funny and HEY MOM, now I have an idea on how to search for butterfly eggs! We should go find some and see if we can hatch them."
Good! Educational, bonus points. Got the kid excited about nature, more bonus points.
I liked the storyline pretty well; it was entertaining with a few fun twists and turns, cute (and quite unusual) characters, and some funny dialogue.
However.
I hate to say anything negative--I think your youngsters and tweens, if they love to read simply for the joy of the story, will enjoy it.
As an adult I have to say that if this were my book...well...let's just say it needs a good polish before being shelf-ready, in my opinion.
It's rather choppy in parts, and large amounts of background are crammed into two or three pages...it doesn't do the story justice and doesn't flow very smoothly at all. All that info was a little overwhelming all at once.
The most disturbing part was a 5-paragraph monologue from the caterpillar wizard (pages 22-23), wherein each paragraph ended with quotation marks. This was somewhat confusing for me when I finally got to David's part again.
Like this (the caterpillar is speaking the whole time):
"Of course not! But you couldn't know that."
"Let me start at the beginning. In Remin, there are certain people who have the innate ability to..."
"A man named Thane was one of the Dreamweavers..."
Plus there was some other extraneous punctuation throughout, but since I like to use extra punctuation now and then, I tried not to be too picky.
But that? With all the extra quotation marks? A problem for me because I expect published books to be mostly error free.
Overall I think the book is pretty good and if it were to get a good editorial fix-up then I would definitely recommend that your kids try it out.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Monty Plays The Blues
I know how disappointed you must be that you missed last night's show. No worries, you can get it right here or here:
Click here to get your own player.
It's the perfect backdrop while you're playing games and/or surfing p0rn.
Click here to get your own player.
It's the perfect backdrop while you're playing games and/or surfing p0rn.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Pink is the new...pink.
but first...
Tonight. 10pm Eastern. 7pm Pacific. 9pm Okieland.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH MONTY
Empire Radio
Chat room will be open!
So awhile ago this really groovy dude decided that I deserved this:
Boy oh boy do I have him fooled!
Thank you, F-Man!
Now, the rules (always the RULES! OY!) say that I should pass this on to seven others. See, this is the part I don't like because there are WAY more than seven of you whom I think are nice. So I used my scientific process to determine the seven--it's totally random, so please don't feel slighted at all if you don't see your name!.
The Process: I have this claythingy objet d'art that my sister made in high school, and I keep it on my computer desk. It's sort of a vase/container...something. So I wrote your names on pieces of paper, threw them in the thing, and drew seven names.
Some of the names are boy's names, because boys can be nice too.
Besides, if super-hot Mr. Fabulous can put up a pink flowered button without being a puss, then so can you. It just means you're secure in your masculinity.
I think he summed it up nicely: "Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness, however. Fuck with me and I will make your life a living hell."
1. Brian. One of the last truly nice fellas. He's tall, bald, and handsome, terribly intelligent, and I adore him. Always have. I'm very lucky to call him friend, and I have been privileged to spend many hours laughing with him.
2. Mamacita. I want to move in with Mamacita and live forever and ever, and we will watch our favorite movies and read our favorite books. Mamacita is one of those naturally caring people who ALWAYS thinks of others, never herself. I PPH (pink puffy heart) her.
3. Kim (the blogger formerly known as MommaK). A steady and loyal friend, a true friend, who likes me even when I'm a jerk (which, as you know, is a frequent occurence)(and why do I never know how to spell occurence? Does it have 2 rs?). I love Kim dearly, she goes out of her way to be nice.
4. Debi. Deb is my other half of my shared brain. We keep each other going, and she always makes me laugh. She calls or texts just to cheer me up, just when I need it most. She sends me confetti-filled cardswhich someday I plan to kill her for because I'm STILL finding confetti from the last one. If we weren't both straight, we'd probably be married. I love her with a deep and abiding love.
5. Raehan. One of my favorite people, she's sweet and caring down to the bone. She always seems calm and smooth, like oil poured over water. I PPH Raehan too. Did you hear she's started her own religion? I'm planning to join.
6. Heather. One of my soul-mates. Heather's a nurse and I couldn't pick a better profession for her. She's innately kind and caring, and I would totally let her stick me with a needle anytime, even in the bum. She's got a big heart and shares it with everyone.
and last but not least...
7. Jeckles. Oh, stop shaking your heads and rolling your eyes. I know that some of you have read his blog and listened to Shitty Blog Radio and you're looking at me like I'm crazy. I know he's full of rage and loathes stupid people. He's a self-proclaimed asshole.
But. What I'm about to tell you, you must keep to yourselves, otherwise he's going to yell at me for ruining his reputation.
Jeckles is nice to me.
I've had a lot of problems with my computer...and he's helped me every single time. When I have questions, I ask Jeckles. He helped me figure out what memory card I needed for my computer, and patiently walked me through installing it myself. He lets me vent and commiserates with me when I've had a rotten day.
He's going to hate this award and the button and will most likely not acknowledge it...but still. There you go.
Now go forth and spread the love.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH MONTY
Empire Radio
Chat room will be open!
So awhile ago this really groovy dude decided that I deserved this:
Thank you, F-Man!
Now, the rules (always the RULES! OY!) say that I should pass this on to seven others. See, this is the part I don't like because there are WAY more than seven of you whom I think are nice. So I used my scientific process to determine the seven--it's totally random, so please don't feel slighted at all if you don't see your name!.
The Process: I have this clay
Some of the names are boy's names, because boys can be nice too.
Besides, if super-hot Mr. Fabulous can put up a pink flowered button without being a puss, then so can you. It just means you're secure in your masculinity.
I think he summed it up nicely: "Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness, however. Fuck with me and I will make your life a living hell."
1. Brian. One of the last truly nice fellas. He's tall, bald, and handsome, terribly intelligent, and I adore him. Always have. I'm very lucky to call him friend, and I have been privileged to spend many hours laughing with him.
2. Mamacita. I want to move in with Mamacita and live forever and ever, and we will watch our favorite movies and read our favorite books. Mamacita is one of those naturally caring people who ALWAYS thinks of others, never herself. I PPH (pink puffy heart) her.
3. Kim (the blogger formerly known as MommaK). A steady and loyal friend, a true friend, who likes me even when I'm a jerk (which, as you know, is a frequent occurence)(and why do I never know how to spell occurence? Does it have 2 rs?). I love Kim dearly, she goes out of her way to be nice.
4. Debi. Deb is my other half of my shared brain. We keep each other going, and she always makes me laugh. She calls or texts just to cheer me up, just when I need it most. She sends me confetti-filled cards
5. Raehan. One of my favorite people, she's sweet and caring down to the bone. She always seems calm and smooth, like oil poured over water. I PPH Raehan too. Did you hear she's started her own religion? I'm planning to join.
6. Heather. One of my soul-mates. Heather's a nurse and I couldn't pick a better profession for her. She's innately kind and caring, and I would totally let her stick me with a needle anytime, even in the bum. She's got a big heart and shares it with everyone.
and last but not least...
7. Jeckles. Oh, stop shaking your heads and rolling your eyes. I know that some of you have read his blog and listened to Shitty Blog Radio and you're looking at me like I'm crazy. I know he's full of rage and loathes stupid people. He's a self-proclaimed asshole.
But. What I'm about to tell you, you must keep to yourselves, otherwise he's going to yell at me for ruining his reputation.
Jeckles is nice to me.
I've had a lot of problems with my computer...and he's helped me every single time. When I have questions, I ask Jeckles. He helped me figure out what memory card I needed for my computer, and patiently walked me through installing it myself. He lets me vent and commiserates with me when I've had a rotten day.
He's going to hate this award and the button and will most likely not acknowledge it...but still. There you go.
Now go forth and spread the love.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
All the little pieces.
My life is a mosaic, made with fragments of you.
You're so pretty.
So I offer a few fragments of me...
I was so sick last week that I could barely get out of bed...so my hair didn't get washed for a few days (and by the way, UCK).
My mom called me Snape-Head.
I don't think that was very nice. Especially since I'm blonde.
Sometimes when I'm at the computer I put on the headset...and forget to turn the music on. For quite some time.
Maybe there's just something comforting about having my ears covered.
Sometimes I'll be thinking about something or other and I will speak a random word or phrase out loud.
On accident.
Like yesterday I was thinking about...I don't even know what, when I said "Daxahol" out loud.
Wha'??
Should I be concerned?
Don't answer that. I'm in the denial phase.
Yesterday in my stats there was a google search for "raehan religion".
Umm...Raehan honey, you been holding out on me? And can I drink the grape kool-aid too? ;)
One of the best compliments I ever got was from a review site.
See, about two years ago I submitted my site to The Bloggy Awards.
(Okay, okay, it was a long time ago when I was all comment hungry & stuff)
Anyway, months and months and months passed and I'd completely forgotten about the submission. Then one day last summer I was checking linkage and I noticed that my blog had come up for review! This particular site awards points in several different categories; my Overall Experience was okay, I guess, at 7. I was tad disappointed, but hey, this place ain't for everyone.
The best part, however was this:
Reading Enjoyment - 10
A pretty enjoyable blog to read. The author is not one to post long boring entries but goes for a single entry with varied topics that are of interest to her and her readers of course. Monty is interesting and so are her thought provoking posts. Her posts don’t just bitch about mundane stuff but actually bitches about stuff people should care for and think about once in a while. And oh yes, she’s also funny.
(this was when I had my old template, that I STILL love but apparently many other people hated)
This blog needs a better look but has good content. Monty manages to be funny most of the time and when she isn’t she surprises us with thought provoking entries.
Reading enjoyment. That's what it's all about.
That is all.
Have a day.
Whatever kind you want.
You're so pretty.
So I offer a few fragments of me...
I was so sick last week that I could barely get out of bed...so my hair didn't get washed for a few days (and by the way, UCK).
My mom called me Snape-Head.
I don't think that was very nice. Especially since I'm blonde.
Sometimes when I'm at the computer I put on the headset...and forget to turn the music on. For quite some time.
Maybe there's just something comforting about having my ears covered.
Sometimes I'll be thinking about something or other and I will speak a random word or phrase out loud.
On accident.
Like yesterday I was thinking about...I don't even know what, when I said "Daxahol" out loud.
Wha'??
Should I be concerned?
Don't answer that. I'm in the denial phase.
Yesterday in my stats there was a google search for "raehan religion".
Umm...Raehan honey, you been holding out on me? And can I drink the grape kool-aid too? ;)
One of the best compliments I ever got was from a review site.
See, about two years ago I submitted my site to The Bloggy Awards.
(Okay, okay, it was a long time ago when I was all comment hungry & stuff)
Anyway, months and months and months passed and I'd completely forgotten about the submission. Then one day last summer I was checking linkage and I noticed that my blog had come up for review! This particular site awards points in several different categories; my Overall Experience was okay, I guess, at 7. I was tad disappointed, but hey, this place ain't for everyone.
The best part, however was this:
Reading Enjoyment - 10
A pretty enjoyable blog to read. The author is not one to post long boring entries but goes for a single entry with varied topics that are of interest to her and her readers of course. Monty is interesting and so are her thought provoking posts. Her posts don’t just bitch about mundane stuff but actually bitches about stuff people should care for and think about once in a while. And oh yes, she’s also funny.
(this was when I had my old template, that I STILL love but apparently many other people hated)
This blog needs a better look but has good content. Monty manages to be funny most of the time and when she isn’t she surprises us with thought provoking entries.
Reading enjoyment. That's what it's all about.
That is all.
Have a day.
Whatever kind you want.
SBC Survivor Journal -- I'm Your Chum
Dear Diary.
I haven't updated you, dear diary, in two weeks--due to the fact that I've been hiding out from the others. As you know, our last task was to create a model of the island...preferably life-sized, according to Jeckles. Being of a contrary nature (and plus because it was easier), I made mine as small as possible. Rule #5 of the Shitty Blogs Club: Expend as little effort as possible.
So technically, I followed the rules.
But thenthat dirty mean stupid rat bastid my dear friend and SBC El Presidente, Jeckles, smacked me down with this:
I've lost my Survivor Champ title. *sob*
I know thatif I survive the sharks then I will set Jeckles' truck on fire Jeckles had a tough decision to make and apparently the sexual favors didn't work and I might smother him in his sleep because all three of our entries were AWESOME but of course he was picking on me.
So that's why I've been hiding out here on Survivor Island, using Chad's old trench, because I don't want to be shark bait.
But they've found me.
Dammit.
I have to swim for it.
Wish me luck.
Love,
Me
and PS: Good luck to the Final Two, Rose and Nat!!
PPS: You'll be sorry. You'll all be VERY, VERY SORRY.
I haven't updated you, dear diary, in two weeks--due to the fact that I've been hiding out from the others. As you know, our last task was to create a model of the island...preferably life-sized, according to Jeckles. Being of a contrary nature (and plus because it was easier), I made mine as small as possible. Rule #5 of the Shitty Blogs Club: Expend as little effort as possible.
So technically, I followed the rules.
But then
I've lost my Survivor Champ title. *sob*
I know that
So that's why I've been hiding out here on Survivor Island, using Chad's old trench, because I don't want to be shark bait.
But they've found me.
Dammit.
I have to swim for it.
Wish me luck.
Love,
Me
and PS: Good luck to the Final Two, Rose and Nat!!
PPS: You'll be sorry. You'll all be VERY, VERY SORRY.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Maybe it's a tumor.
First...thanks for all the wonderfully lovely concerned emails. I heart you for hearting me.
Woke up Wednesday morning with what I suspected was the beginning of a narsty ol' migraine. Took my usual migraine fixer-upper, Excedrin Migraine.
Didn't even touch it.
The headache moved into my neck.
And shoulders.
And back.
All the way down to my lower back.
I couldn't sleep because everything hurt. I couldn't lie down, couldn't sit up.
I got sort of hungry every now and again...and that made me nauseous.
On the other hand whenever I think about actually eating, my stomach feels all tight and squinched.
AND I have NOT EVEN HAD COFFEE SINCE TUESDAY. If you know me at all then you know that coffee, for me, is the Elixir Of Life.
After two days of excruciating pain and a half a bottle of Bayer aspirin, I remembered that when I've had strep throat, it primarily affects my skull and neck.
Yes yes, Monty, go to the doctor so they can swab you (*teehee*) and give you medicine.
But...no insurance. AND no money. When you're poor, you have to prioritize and food for the kids came higher on the list. So just stop. Thanks.
ANYWAY. It was all very miserable and pathetic but now I have antibiotics and I'm feeling closer to human, finally. So whether it was strep or something else entirely, the antibiotics are kickin' it.
Although I've taken so much aspirin in the past five days that I'm afraid if I nick myself shaving, I might bleed to death.
I imagine my blood is so thin that it's pink.
Hey, wouldn't that be cool, to have pink blood? Groovy.
Woke up Wednesday morning with what I suspected was the beginning of a narsty ol' migraine. Took my usual migraine fixer-upper, Excedrin Migraine.
Didn't even touch it.
The headache moved into my neck.
And shoulders.
And back.
All the way down to my lower back.
I couldn't sleep because everything hurt. I couldn't lie down, couldn't sit up.
I got sort of hungry every now and again...and that made me nauseous.
On the other hand whenever I think about actually eating, my stomach feels all tight and squinched.
AND I have NOT EVEN HAD COFFEE SINCE TUESDAY. If you know me at all then you know that coffee, for me, is the Elixir Of Life.
After two days of excruciating pain and a half a bottle of Bayer aspirin, I remembered that when I've had strep throat, it primarily affects my skull and neck.
Yes yes, Monty, go to the doctor so they can swab you (*teehee*) and give you medicine.
But...no insurance. AND no money. When you're poor, you have to prioritize and food for the kids came higher on the list. So just stop. Thanks.
ANYWAY. It was all very miserable and pathetic but now I have antibiotics and I'm feeling closer to human, finally. So whether it was strep or something else entirely, the antibiotics are kickin' it.
Although I've taken so much aspirin in the past five days that I'm afraid if I nick myself shaving, I might bleed to death.
I imagine my blood is so thin that it's pink.
Hey, wouldn't that be cool, to have pink blood? Groovy.
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