SBC Survivor Journal -- I'm Your Chum

Dear Diary.

I haven't updated you, dear diary, in two weeks--due to the fact that I've been hiding out from the others. As you know, our last task was to create a model of the island...preferably life-sized, according to Jeckles. Being of a contrary nature (and plus because it was easier), I made mine as small as possible. Rule #5 of the Shitty Blogs Club: Expend as little effort as possible.
So technically, I followed the rules.

But then that dirty mean stupid rat bastid my dear friend and SBC El Presidente, Jeckles, smacked me down with this:



I've lost my Survivor Champ title. *sob*

I know that if I survive the sharks then I will set Jeckles' truck on fire Jeckles had a tough decision to make and apparently the sexual favors didn't work and I might smother him in his sleep because all three of our entries were AWESOME but of course he was picking on me.

So that's why I've been hiding out here on Survivor Island, using Chad's old trench, because I don't want to be shark bait.
But they've found me.
Dammit.
I have to swim for it.
Wish me luck.

Love,
Me

and PS: Good luck to the Final Two, Rose and Nat!!

PPS: You'll be sorry. You'll all be VERY, VERY SORRY.

Survivor Island Journal--The Final Three

Dear Diary,

I don't know when I last updated this journal. I have lost all ability to think clearly, with the relentless sun pounding down on our heads. I fear that my brain may have been somewhat boiled.

I have a vague memory of Jeckles announcing that I had made the FINAL THREE, along with Rose and Nat.

I think I was excited when I heard that. I don't recall.

Weak...so weak...

The Penultimate Task is, I believe, to put together some sort of model of the island. Since I was unlucky enough not to find the Legos or toys and candles that washed up on shore, and since I couldn't find a handy-dandy craft store on this godforsaken island, I was forced to scrounge around and use whatever materials came to hand.

No, my daughter did not do this project for me, although it looks as though she could have. Hers would've been better. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make your own play-doh?

---

Jeckles wanted close to life-sized models...to be contrary, I made mine as small as I possibly could. HAHA!

**click pic to enlarge
An aerial view of the island, which is what I imagine Jeckles sees when he flies over to spy on us:



My fortress on the shallow-water side (and they STILL try to get in. Go figure):



Nat's hippiefied tent:



Rose's camouflaged shelter--truthfully I don't think she wants to be rescued. There were lace curtains on the sides that she made from weaving some dried grasses together, but unfortunately they blew away in the big wind that swept through here last night:



This is the place where we are afraid to wander, especially after dark. We've dubbed it "Cannibal Hill":



Here lie the final remains of our former Survivor co-shipwreckees:



And the wreck that brought us here in the first place:




Now...I must rest. I fear for my survival...but I'm thinking that a date with the sharks would be a welcome change.

Love,
Me

Shitty Blog Survivor Journal - Task 4

Dear Diary,

Life on Survivor Island still sucks. Since I last had the energy to write, three of our number have gone. Yummy disappeared, like mist. Spooooky. Chad was taken away by some creepy dudes in sunglasses and dark suits; I suspect IRS trouble.

And Tammy, poor Tammy...her watermelon carving didn't cut the mustard and she was fed to the sharks.

That leaves only myself (who's the only one even CLOSE to normal at this point), Nat, Rose, Utopia, and Mango (who has remained chained to the tree since he cut his finger off during the last task, but he ain't dead yet, so I guess that's okay)

Our newest task, if we hope to live to see another day, is to compose a piece of beat poetry for our mad leader's entertainment. The dirty bastid.

I do know how to be innovative when necessary, so I stole used some of Utopia's empty turtle shells, some sticks and palm leaves, and composed my piece.

Listen RIGHT HERE.

Hopefully it won't get me fed to the sharks...or worse.

Love and kisses,
Me

SB Survivor Journal - Task Three Complete!

Dear Diary,

Mere words cannot convey the sheer suckage of this island.
I think Utopia ate one of her turtles...raw. *glurg*

I hurt my back, but I found that lying on the beach in the hot sun and sand makes it feel so much better, even though I've heard the others whispering about me just being lazy.

So, anyway, I finally was able to steal one of Rose's watermelons, which I desperately needed to complete this task...which was to carve a watermelon like you would carve a Halloween pumpkin, only it should have something to do with Shitty Blog Survivor.

I've never even carved a pumpkin.
And here on the island, tools (other than seashells) are scarce.

Speaking of seashells, the conch shell that Mango was pretending to use as an iPhone got broken when he dropped it on a tree stump.
He screamed something unintelligible as he brandished the broken pieces of shell at us, and we all had a good hearty laugh the moment his back was turned.

Anyway anyway anyway...I found an old rusty screwdriver (true story!) and a sharp piece of shell and set about attempting to carve my stolen watermelon...



Okay, so I couldn't figure out how to set the date on this cheap-ass camera.



After I eat all the watermelon, I plan to wear this at night & sneak up on the others, jumping out at them from behind trees and such in hopes that I can make someone pee their pants. Because cool.

PLUS I found THIS:



Evidently Mango's been trying to fit in a little more closely with cannibals...I can only hope he gets eaten up soon.



And a final message for Jeckles:



Arrgh, how am I ever going to continue to survive on this island??
Help me. Please, help me.

Love,
Me

SBC Survivor Journal--Day ????

"Why do you play stupid?"
"Because it's good cover for when I am stupid."

---

Dear Diary,

I've heard it being whispered around (behind my back, the dirty cowards) that I'm going crazy. The bumblebee said it to the coconut.

I'm SO NOT.

But some of these people are starting to really piss me off...like that rat bastard Mango.
Yeah, right, talk about crazy! He prances around with a conch shell pressed to his ear, telling us to shut up because he's talking on his fancy new iPhone.
(Then why doesn't he call for HELP, the jackass!)
Plus he made some disparaging remarks about Oklahomans...perhaps he forgot that THREE of the girls on this island (including myself) are Okies and we could totally beat the shit out of him and grind his bones to make our bread.

Mmm.....bread.

....
....
....
....
....

Oh, sorry, where was I?
Oh yeah, watermelons.
The next task is some ritualistic watermelon carving...I think Rose has found a stash of watermelons and she's trying to hide them under her shirt--she says that she's not hiding anything, her boobs just grew bigger due to the fresh air and saltwater.
If that's what it takes, how come mine aren't any bigger?

Speaking of saltwater, some of these people could benefit from a dip in the ocean, if you get what I mean. They're getting a little...ripe. *gag* It's what I imagine it would smell like if I visited a cave full of Sasquatch(es?).

And I'm a little bit pissed at Jeckles for voting off Mike in the last round, because he was THE ONLY SINGLE MAN here on this godforsaken island. I was planning to use him for sex. And, you know, to carry the heavy stuff. And do my tasks for me. Now THAT'S screwed. Thanks a heap.

Utopia's on a rampage about something or other--I hear the words 'sneak' and 'thief' and 'bagels' a lot...I've learned to tune her out & watch my back at the same time. Yummy's been quiet...TOO quiet. I find that frightening on many levels.

Tammy and Nat still seem to be handling things okay, but I don't trust them. They have sly, sneaky faces sometimes. I'm going to have to watch out for them.

I almost forgot about Chad, because he's been so quiet and unmoving in his little trench thingy. He might possibly be dead (judging from the smell), but I'm sure as hell not going to go over there and check.

Now I have to go tail Rose to see where those watermelons are coming from...

Love,
Me

SBC SURVIVOR Journal: Who survived the first cut

Dear Diary,

Well, there we all were, crowded around Utopia's little homemade radio so that we could listen to Shitty Blog Radio to see who was going to be the first voted off our little island.

I was only half-hoping it was me, because...well, you know I don't really like to be around people. Plus I'm thirsty as hell. But I managed to dodge the bullet on this first go-round, much to the dismay of some of the others.
HAHAHAHAHA! EAT THAT, BITCHES!

So here's the new Survivor lineup:
Me, natch.
Utopia
Yummy
Mango
Chad
Rose
Nat
Tammy
Mike
Sparky

Evidently the outside judges that Jeckles brought in hated most of our slogan submissions for task one. I don't care that they hated mine, as long as they hated someone else's more.

And now..TASK NUMBER TWO:

We must tell the story of our time thus far on Shitty Blog Island...with pictures--no words. I'm looking forward to the task, except that we've been expressly forbidden to caption the pictures. If anyone gets confused by the pictures, they'll just have to read my Survivor Journal entries and follow along.

Man, I'm tired--it's been a long day avoiding falling coconuts and trying to start a fire with the lenses of my glasses. Plus it looks like a storm's a-brewin'.
I'll get back with you later, my one friend, my diary.

Love,
Me

Shitty Blog Survivor Journal, Task 1 (for real this time)

Dear Diary,

This sucks.

Man, it's hot as hell on this island and people are starting to get a little wiggy. As I mentioned in my letter to Jeckles...Tammy has taken to living in the tree-tops and dropping coconuts upon the heads of the unwary who walk beneath her trees, Nat shoots me the bird and says "NYAH NYAH NYAH" every time I get near her, and I haven't seen Chad or Mike in days--Mango is looking well-satisfied and rather...plumpish, so I'm afraid he might have eaten them. Plus I think Rose spit in my cookie, even though she says she didn't. But it tastes funny.

Yummy was talking about swimming to a neighboring island but she wasn't sure if the fins in the water were dolphins or sharks. I'm certain they're sharks, but I think I've just about got her convinced that they're cute, friendly dolphins. MUAHAHAHAH!

Sparky is smoking some weird grass he pulled up near the beach, and if I sit too close to him whilst he's smoking I get all giggly and stuff and then I want to eat raw fish. Utopia and Mango are doing some "Evil Genius" plotting thing...I see them sneering at the rest of us from time to time. Also they're drinking coconut liqueur as they sit in the turtle-powered hot tub, which might make it worth sucking up to them.

Anyway. So far I'm attempting to be relatively nice to these freaks people, because you never know when one of them may be useful. Since most of you know how much I dislike people in general, you can understand how difficult that is for me.

Still so thirsty...

In my dehydration-induced delirium, I thought last week was the deadline for task one...and I was wrong. I further thought that I'd come up with my final answer for the task...and once again I was wrong.

I know, right? Wrong twice in one day? I can only claim to have been influenced by the pills I took from Mango's man-purse.

I think this time I've got it, though.

Shitty Blogs Club: "Stinking up online communities since 2003"

Shitty Blogs Club: "It's not that we don't give a crap....well, actually...it is."

And that's my final final answer. Fo' reals yo.

Now all that remains is to listen to Shitty Blog Radio on Thursday at 10pm EST for the results.

Love,
Me

Survivor Journal: Task 1 deadline approacheth

Dear Diary,

Guess what? I've got my first task! YES. But I only have until noon on Tuesday to complete it...ah well, I work better under pressure anyways. Got to think of a new slogan for the Shitty Blogs Club, probably just because that bastard Jeckles is too lazy to think up one himself.

So anyway, things are about what I expected here on the island so far. Nat is being a beyotch and won't roast the goat like I told her to, so we're making do with coconuts for the moment. And bonus: I found a weird man purse thing over in the bushes. It reeks to high heaven of vomit and alcohol; unfortunately all the little booze bottles appear to be smashed. But SCORE! There's an assload of pills in all sizes & shapes inside--I'm sure I can figure out some use for 'em.
Maybe I can use them to get Mike to do my bidding...hmm. I'll think on that.

We really need to lay in some supplies, but I'm surrounded by wusses who probably couldn't find their asses with both hands, a map, and a flashlight.
I wonder if I could trick Professor Utopia into finding some water that we can boil.

So thirsty....

ideas:
Shitty Blogs Club: We're the shiznit
SBC: Crapped Out
SBC: Now with more cowbell

Dammit. This is hard.

WAIT! It's perfect: Shitty Blogs Club: We don't need no steenkin' slogan!

It conveys just the right amount of contempt and slackerism.
Damn, I'm good.

I'll just have to listen to Shitty Blog Radio on Thursday at 10pm EST to find out who gets voted off.

Now....I wonder how I'm s'posed to get this entry to Jeckles? I guess I should go look for a bottle, or maybe spell it out in wood on the beach in case he's in a 'copter or something...

Love,
Me

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip

The Adventure Begins...

Click the button to see how it started...

Survivor Journal, to be read in the event of my death

Dear Diary,

Jeckles has just informed us that our first task will be given to us on Saturday! I can't wait. As reigning Sole Survivor from last year, I've got to really be on my toes as I know those sneaky bastards other people will totally be out to get me. I can already hear them muttering behind my back as we wait to begin.
Here's the "competition" (hahaha, yeah, I know, right?):
Utopia
Sparky
YummY!
Chad
Tammy
Rose
Mango
Mike
Nat

I'll have to listen EVERY THURSDAY at 10pm EASTERN to Shitty Blog Radio (there are links for RealPlayer & QuickTime on the sidebar) for the updates, as well as visit the Shitty Blog Forums to psych out my opponents.

Okay Diary, wish me luck!
Love,
Me