So I was at a drive-thru window because it's HOT outside and I needed a big iced tea (oKAY! So it was a big iced tea AND a grilled chicken snack wrap)(and small fries) and all the windows were down and I turned my head and BAM! GIANT RED WASP IN MY FACE!
Well, he was a few inches from my face, but really anywhere closer than five feet is TOO CLOSE.
I handled it okay, though...I screamed and nearly crashed into the building whilst frantically feeling around for the window roller-upper button, bobbing and weaving in the seat trying to keep it from getting ALL THE WAY INSIDE where it would be free to fly about and terrorize me, in which case I would have had to park the car and walk home & watch the wasp do a little victory dance because he 'jacked my ride.
(Okay, so it was a CRISPY chicken snack wrap and not grilled. STOP INTERROGATING ME!)
Dear Mom,
Yes, I know how you're always right and how you never ever forget stuff. Remember how you bought my son a bed without telling me? That was cool, and I really appreciated it! I mentioned at the time that I had no way to haul off the old mattress & box springs. And DAD was the one who put the old stuff on my front porch, telling me he & my brother would (eventually) haul it to the dump.
And the mattress & box springs sat there. And sat. And sat. And sat. AAAAND sat.
Look, I know I said I was going to
Yes, I asked Shawn to help me get the stuff off my porch last night and put it in the garage.
Yes, Shawn wasn't paying attention & smashed his finger between two panels of the garage door.
Yes, I feel TERRIBLY guilty about it because he was hurt while helping me. Did you know I've smashed my finger in that door before? I have. I probably didn't mention it because really, what's the point? It hurt, turned purple, healed up. Shit happens.
Here's the point: When I call to see if there's anything I can do, to check on my brother, and ask if the finger is broken, it is NOT NECESSARY for you to say, "Probably it's broken. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM HAUL IT TO THE DUMP, not the GARAGE!"
Yeah, that doesn't have anything to do with anything, but thanks for twisting the knife in my already guilty-feeling heart.
You really need to stop doing that, because as the oldest someday I'll be in charge of picking your nursing home. You want to remember THAT.
Love,
Your stupid irresponsible daughter
Dear Sperm Donor,
I just wanted to tell you that I find it...interesting...that you go on and on about how you can't afford to drive all the way up here from Texas (which is why I usually meet you halfway between your house & mine), but your wife can drive from Texas to Arkansas to see her grandbaby.
I find it even more interesting that since your wife wants to come up here to the city to "see her son's condo that he just moved into", you can afford to make the weekend trip.
I find it most interesting of all that you won't give me a straight answer regarding whether or not you'll be keeping BOTH kids overnight or just your daughter. You'll have to "get back to me on that".
Until you do, I can't make any plans for that weekend.
Fuck you very much.
Dislike,
The-lady-who-is-tired-of-hearing-your-sob-stories-about-how-you-don't-have
any-money-but-yet-you-took-a-second-job-to-pay-THOUSANDS-in-chemo-for-your-DOG
because-it-had-leukemia-and-you-have-two-new-cars-and-new-house-but-I-had-to-BEG
for-$60-to-SPLIT-your-daughter's-band-supply-costs.
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