Friday, December 30, 2005

But Mom...

...all the other kids are doin' it!

Making one of those "favorite posts" posts.
I wasn't going to.
But I've got one sick kiddo and no time for much else. Thought I'd share a couple of personal favorites.


but first...
Quitting smoking sucks ass.
Day 6 of The Patch, and can I just say...


AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Thank you.
Every day I keep thinking it'll be a little easier...and so far it isn't.
But I've got my eye on the prize~namely the $100+ I'll be saving each month. I've already saved about twenty bucks this week.

And by the way, could there be any worse time to have PMS?
I thought not.


Since I have no clue how to use the trackback thingy and make it work to get to the right post, I'll do things my own "special" way, thankyouverymuch.

Quips And Quotes *originally posted Christmas Eve 2004

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"~~Lewis Carroll

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll be the only one not laughing."~~aka_monty


Happy Holidays, boys & girls! As you know, for some the holidays mean loneliness and sadness. I have a friend who works for a casket manufacturing company, and he tells me that this is their busiest time of the year. (that's sad, isn't it? But a little bit funny)
SO, in the interest of spreading a little holiday cheer, I've decided to share some of my favorite giggle-makers.

**DISCLAIMER: Any mistakes and/or misquotes are solely the fault of this author, for being too damn lazy to look them up properly.


YEAH, WRIGHT! (Stephen Wright is one of my favorites)

"I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property."
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."



CARLINISMS

"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, DIShonesty is the second-best policy."
"A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, 'He was a loner.' Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with."
"I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it."



RODNEY DANGERFIELD, ANYONE?

"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."



SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN

In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

At a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." (well hell, and I was SO looking forward to giving birth on a barstool)

In a Laundry in Rhodes: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." (Count me IN!)

On a Viennese restaurant menu: Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep." (gee, wonder what they've got for DESSERT?)

A doctor's office in Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases." (I wonder if anyone has taken a cleaver to that guy yet?)

In a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." (I wonder how you smuggle a country through customs?)

At a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." (I don't know about you, but I don't really know that many women covered in fur)


LOONY LAWS~~that (sadly) are REAL.

In Macomb, Illinois, it's illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf.
It's illegal in Hartford, Connecticut to kiss your wife on a Sunday.
It's against the law in Kentucky to remarry the same man four times.
In Tennessee, it's against the law to shoot game other than whales from a moving car. (well hell, there go MY vacation plans)
It's illegal in Fairbanks, Alaska, for two moose to have sex on city sidewalks. (hey, I wonder what kind of fine that brings...and how they collect on it?)



OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF "BABES" (supermodel commentary)

"I don't have to fake dumb. I AM dumb."~~Jerry Hall

I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."~~Linda Evangelista

"Blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired of talking about myself."~~Elle Macpherson

"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like 3 Mercedes.' Then I understood."~~Brooke Shields

"I don't think I was born beautiful. I just think I was born me."~~Naomi Campbell

"I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am."~~Samantha Fox

"I look at modeling as something I'm doing for black people in general."~~Naomi Campbell

""I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."~~Linda Evangelista



A FEW BUMPER STICKERS...

I doubt, therefore I might be

Dyslexics Have More Fnu

The Gene Pool Could Use a Little Chlorine

Your Kid May Be an Honor Student but You're Still an Idiot

We Have Enough Youth, How About a Fountain of "Smart"?

The More You Complain, The Longer God Lets You Live

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Out of Bed



Things to do today:
Live, love, and laugh

(Fun Factoid: In Venice, Venetian blinds are known as 'Persian blinds')

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A quickie...

Many of you may already be familiar with my new tenant, Miss Ann Thrope. She's honest and outspoken, with a dash of humor thrown in for good measure.
Please do me a great favor and CLICKIT on the sidebar, and go offer her a warm neighborhood welcome from the landlady (that would be me).

She will most likely be answering the door in the nude today. So hurry up.


HA! I was supposed to be working surfing along the blogosphere and ran across a little something that I thought dovetailed nicely with my previous "I am a bad mommy" post.

I'd give 'em some credit, but I can't remember from whom I stole it.
Oh well. Sucks to be them.

Here you go:
***It would've been better if I'd have put the title that came with it****
THINGS THAT EVERY MOTHER SHOULD RESOLVE IN 2006

1. I will embrace the fact that I'm not perfect (oh, I do THAT every day)
2. I will get down on the floor and play with my child every day. (mmm...probably not going to happen. Didn't I just say I don't do that stuff?)
3. I will take care of my body. (I burst into laughter every.single.time I read that)
4. I will learn to love the chaos. (Love it? No. Endure it? Yeah, I can do that)
5. I will make the family dinner a priority. (My daughter knows how to use the microwave)
6. I will focus a little more on my marriage. (This doesn't apply to me. But I'm sure I'd go along with it if I could find some dumbass nice guy foolish enough to want to marry me)
7. I will make time for my friends. (I probably would if I ever made time to MAKE any friends)
8. I will remind myself daily that time with my children is precious. (Okay, I guess I can do that one.)

Monday, December 26, 2005

Sticky Stuff

Quote Of The Day:

"You're not really 'the winner' when you judge someone on their worst day and compare it to your best." ~aka_monty


Did you ever put on a new shirt that has one of those long clear size strips on it? And you miss it when you're taking the tags off? And you go out somewhere in the new shirt?
That would look stupid. Plus everyone would know your size.
Man, that could be totally embarrassing.
If it happened.
Mmmmmm hmm.


Day Three of The Patch.
It isn't going too badly...mostly it's hard in the morning with my coffee. And before I go to sleep at night. And driving to work. And driving home. And when I'm on the computer. And...

I'm not too much more irritable than usual...not so's you'd notice. Must be my normal bitchiness charm coming through.


Isn't it funny how some people are so nice and butter-wouldn't-melt-in-their-mouths cool and sweet at their own place, and then they find it necessary to go to someone else's place and shit right in the middle of the floor?

What I mean is those people you read who are so lovely and kind...and then you see comments that they leave that are critical and somewhat rude.

So, which face are you using today?


Trying to play the Harry Potter Scene-It game in French was a bust, since the only French things I know are baguette, fromage, and menage a trois. I didn't see any of those.

Letting it all hang out.

True Confessions

I think to myself on an almost daily basis that I have no idea what it takes to be a good mother.
I read about the moms that do stuff with their kids. Join the PTA, Girl Scouts, take them to dance/karate/gymnastics classes, homeroom moms...and they actually enjoy it.
I'm a little jealous that I'm not like that.

I'm more of the 'don't bother me right now, I'm in the middle of something. Gimme a minute' mom rather than the "of course dear, lets go do some crafts!" type.

I'm not all that nurturing.
And I feel guilty about it.

I've never let my kids sleep in bed with me, nor I with them (except when my daughter had a nightmare and crept into my bed unbeknownst to me or when my son had seizures and I put him in bed with me to keep an eye on him).
I don't think of fun things for us to do together.
I haven't really read to my daughter since she learned to read by herself.
I yell a lot.
I don't really like kids. Other kids, I mean.
I don't go ga-ga over other people's babies. I don't want to hold them. I don't want to koochie-koo them under their little chins. I know how important it is for new mothers to have a fuss made over their little ones...I just don't want to do it. It makes me tired.
I always thought I'd be the 'cool' mom, and our house would be the one where all the kids would want to hang out. I've since re-thought that idea.

Perhaps that's why I was given the challenges of special-needs children.
If there's one thing I do love, it's a good challenge.

And surprisingly my kids are stable, good, loving children.
I refuse to take any credit for that whatsoever.


UNCLE: Becca, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?
DAUGHTER: Yes, I mostly just wanted to be with my whole family.


I think I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts because I am a hermit-creature, and I've had three solid days of being sociable.
Oh, it isn't really a complaint~I've enjoyed my family.
But I crave my solitude.
I'm worn out with the hugging and pleasantries.

Could I be a bigger bitch? Or a more ungrateful wretch? *sigh*


My sister bought the Harry Potter Scene-It for us.
The disc is in French.
But we're going to try to play it anyway, to see how well we do. :)
Anyone got a French/English dictionary we could borrow?

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah! And happy Sunday to any of you who don't observe the holiday at all. :)


THANK YOU ALL so very much for all the cards, e-cards, and packages of goodies. I love 'em, and they make me feel special. Thanks.

I'm very glad to know each and every one of you. You enrich my life.


Twice today I tried to send e-cards, and both times I got error messages. *sigh*
Well, it's the thought that counts, right? I was thinking of you.


Now, for your enjoyment I have decided to sing you a selection of Christmas and Hannukah songs. Just choose whichever song suits you best.
Tip jar is on the counter.
Thank you.
*ahem*


For my Canadian friends:

Bob & Doug McKenzie

Ok, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
beer.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
2 turtlenecks,
and beer.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer.
There should be more there, eh?

Where?

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

Oh. See? ya need more.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
6 packs of two-four.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.
whew, this should be just the 2 days of xmas, this is too hard for us!

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..
8 comic books,
7 packs of smokes,
6 packs of two-four,
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tree.

Wow,That beers empty

Day 12.

G'day and welcome to day 12.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES!
4lbs of backbacon,
3 french toast,
2 turtlenecks,
and beer in a tre-e.



For my redneck friends:

Jeff Foxworthy

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Tin of Copenhagen, nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eleven wrestlin tickets, tin of Copenhagen, nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven wrestlin tickets, tin of Copenhagen, nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Red Band, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT.



For my Jewish friends:
Adam Sandler (old version)

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonica
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah



Updated version

Winona Ryder drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a dreidle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and recieves lots of Chanukah toys:
The girls from Veruca Salt, and all three Beastie Boys

Lennie Kravitz is half Jewish; Courtney Love is half too,
Put them together, what a funky bad-ass Jew!

We got Harvey Keitel, and Flash Dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmin Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish,
and yes, her boobs are real!

Put on that yarmulke, its time for Chanukah,
Two time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffman-akah celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, still not a Jew!
But guess who is: The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo.
Scooby Doo!

Bob Dylan was born a Jew, then he wasn't, but now he's back
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish,
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack

Guess who got Bar Mitzvah'd on the PGA tour:
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods,
I'm talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore

So many Jews are in the show biz,
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish,
But my mother thinks he is

Tell Daryl Lamonica, its time to celebrate Chanukah
It's not pronounced "Chanukah", The "C" is silent in Chanukah

So read your Hooked on Phonickah
Get drunk in Tijuanaikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy
Chanukah
Happy Chanukah!



Thank you, and good night!
HO HO HO!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Just a bunch of crap.

Quote Of The Day:

"Time doesn't really heal, it just makes you not give a shit."

But hey, I'm not cynical. ;)


My daughter (are you beginning to dread posts beginning with those words? It's my little way of weeding out the weirdos) has decided upon her own course of action in learning a foreign language.

She is currently watching Shrek 2 in Spanish, with the captions on. For the third time.
And working her way through the rest of our movies as well.
*sigh*


I told someone today that he was just ME with boy parts.
Somehow it sounded much more complimentary in my head.


Now National Meme Week at the House Of Monty draws to a close...
(don't think I didn't just now hear you all cheer with delight and relief)

The MORE-than-half-nekkid Jessica tagged me last month, so I went to get the meme...turns out it's the same one Kirk got me with.

So halleluja, you get a reprieve!
You can thank me later.

Just think of it as an early Christmas gift from me to you.

that is all.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Getting motivated

My daughter, even whilst at home, says "I have to use the restroom".
I've been trying to teach her to say, "I gotta take a whiz" like a normal person, but so far it hasn't taken.
She did redeem herself by belting out Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the FYOOOOOOOOOCHUUUUUUH! along with radio this morning.
There's hope for her yet.


Doesn't everyone keep an emergency Snickers bar in the glove compartment of their car?
Please say it isn't just me.


THANK YOU SO MUCH, BOSS LADY for the generous Christmas bonus!
**shameless plug: We've got TONS of pure cashmere and silk sweaters, party dresses & shoes, vintage coats...


Thursday's Meme, thanks to Kirk.
Yes, blame him. I don't mind.

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

1. nathan
2. eddy
3. sara
4. kirk
5. monty

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was spending the holiday season in the hospital with two very sick little babies.
But Santa brought presents, so all was well.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Working for my parents in their restaurant and hating every customer who dared walk through the doors. AND I was dating a clown.
No, I mean a real clown. Professional. Juggled, did magic tricks, all that stuff.
Creeped out all my friends.
Good times.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Wheat Thins and veggie cream cheese
2. Apples w/peanut butter
3. Most any type of raw veggie
4. M & Ms
5. Pringles...mmmmm...any flavor.

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. What's Her Name by TOFOG (Russell Crowe)
2. I Second That Emotion by Smokey Robinson
3. Love Me Two Times by the Doors
4. My Kind of Lover by Billy Squier
5. Love Bug by George Strait

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Give 20% to various charities
2. Pay off my debts
3. Buy my mommy a new car of her very own.
4. Hire a live-in nurse to help with my son
5. Visit all my blog friends. In person.

Five bad habits:
1. Smoking
2. Clenching my jaws
3. Being harshly critical
4. Laziness
5. Procrastination

Five things you like doing:
1. Working
2. Spending time with the kids
3. Reading
4. Blogging
5. Getting laid

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Leg warmers
2. Wool sweaters
3. A tube top *shudder*
4. A bikini. Or any swimsuit, really.
5. Knickers (the American version. I do wear undies *most of the time*)

Five favorite toys:
1. DVD Player
2. Computer
3. Stereo
4. Digital camera
5. The Silver Bullet


There you have it. I am not tagging anyone, because I love you too much.
If you decide to play of your own free will, please let me know so that I can come and admire your work.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Stunned, and then amazed.

I would like to thank the gorgeous and vivacious WEBKITTYN for doing the most unexpected thing:
nominating me for BEST MOMMY BLOG in the BoB awards!
I am touched, honored, and surprised.

Thank you, WebKittyn! She's been nominated herself for Biggest Blog Whore, so keep that in mind when voting time rolls around in a week or so!

Oh, and do feel free to go add your choice of nomination, even if it isn't me.
But if it isn't, don't tell me. Let me have my illusions, mkay?
They have other categories as well...go add your two cents!


When I was listening to the weather this morning, the weather-dude said that we were having "freezing fog". This immediately conjured up images of me opening the front door and running into a barrier of ice.

It doesn't really work that way.
Damn. That would've been cool.


Crapola, I forgot to do today's Meme.
I know how saddened you will all be by that information.

Tough ta-tas. I'm sick. Dammit.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Bad girl bad girl, whatcha gonna do?

**Tenant. Sidebar. Clickit. Thank you.


How to get on Santa's naughty list...
Hey guy..yeah, you, who flew up behind me this morning and proceeded to ride my ass for two miles and then zip around me and haul ass down the ICY highway going about 70 mpm...when I passed you 90 seconds later and saw that you had managed to slide off the highway and into the grassy median....I smiled. Just a little.


A MEME from MAMA.

Mamacita, that is.
The ever fabulous and brilliant Mamacita tagged me with The Easiest Meme Ever.

You will learn nothing about my past.
You will not find out my preference for Coke or Pepsi.
You will not hear of my favorite color, what kind of panties I'm wearing, or what I had for dinner last night.

There now, aren't you happy?

Here's how it goes:
Remove the TOP blog in the following list, and add YOUR blog to the bottom.

Annush
Vince
Funky Bugs
Mamacita
Monty


Then you get to select FIVE (count 'em, FIVE) people to pass the link love on to.
This is the best part.
Check the following blogs in the next day or so to see what they have to say about Robin's meme. (sorry Robin, I'd give you the link but I don't have it)

I'll choose....

KIRK (a purely retaliatory move)
JESSICA (another purely retaliatory move)
SUDIE GIRL
NAT
AMANDA

Now, don't feel left out if I didn't choose you.
And don't think I hate you because I did choose you.
It was completely random. Except for the first two.
Anyway, I like to think of it as a way to meet new people, rather than a Meme.


What the hell are you waiting for? I've given you assignments~get your asses in gear!

that is all.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

We're having a party...

...and you're all invited!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FTS!

Yes, it is our darling FTS's BIRTHDAY! I think he's 29. But I could be wrong about that.
Please go stop by his wonderful place and tell him a big Happy Birthday, okay?


Please visit my tenant, Plaid Toaster. Boys, she's got a post titled using the word Boobies. I know how intriguing you find this word.
Tell her Monty sent you, yes? Thank you. Santa is watching.



As we head down the homestretch to Christmas, I worry that I will be too busy for much blogging and worse~I will be too busy for much blog-reading.

To free up as much time as possible I am declaring this (at least HERE) to be
The Week Of MeMes


I am happy to do this because:
1. I don't have to use my brain at all, I can just pile up my drafts and post one every day
and
B. Norman hates Memes.

Feel free to play along. We could start a National Meme Week. Who's with me?


Monday's Meme

I haven't seen this one before~~and I stole it from my favorite author/composer/musician/wonderful person Steph.
Please read instructions carefully.

1. Take five books off your bookshelf. (I just closed my eyes & grabbed 5~you can do it however you want)

2. Book #1 -- first sentence: "It's so dark that for awhile--just how long I don't know--I think I'm still unconscious."

3. Book #2 -- last sentence on page 50: "Your father's been killed in an accident."


4. Book #3 -- second sentence on page 100: "They all assumed he had suffered a fatal heart attack."


5. Book #4 -- next to the last sentence on page 150: "Around three-thirty."


6. Book #5 -- final sentence of the book: "Finally, a sport I could enjoy."

7. Make the five sentences into a paragraph:
"Your father's been killed in an accident. Around three-thirty. They all assumed he had suffered a fatal heart attack. It's so dark that for awhile--just how long I don't know--I think I'm still unconscious. Finally, a sport I could enjoy."


Man, what have I been reading?

The books I used:
1. Everything's Eventual, Stephen King
2. The Prophet, Frank E. Peretti
3. A Fever In The Heart and Other True Cases, Ann Rule
4. Last Dance, Ed McBain
5. Hard Eight, Janet Evanovich


And that concludes Monday's Meme.

As always, if you decide to play (or make it a Meme Week), let me know so that I can admire your answers.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Monty's Utterly Wonderful Day(s)

**UPDATE: Please visit my new tenant, Plaid Toaster. I love her already. Her kids are weird too. AND, like me, has no friends because she's too lazy to make the commitment.
Go see her and tell her the landlord sent you. She'll be in her underwear. Probably.

but first...
Man, I knew there was a reason I love you guys~~we've had some wonderful times, haven't we? ;)
Dave, this is JUST FOR YOU.


Our Feature Presentation...
Upon further reflection, it occurs to me that what is fantastic and exciting to me may only be a stop in Ho-Hum, Yawnsville to you.

So, sorry if I got your hopes all up & stuff. ;)

Okay, I got home from my (half-day) of work on Thursday (which is my Friday~~two good reasons for a happy day right there!)

In addition to a couple more lovely cards (and a very naughty XXX one, thank you Jules), there was a little package.
At first glance I assumed it was something the Sperm Donor had sent to the kids for Christmas.

It wasn't.

It was FOR ME.
And it was from an online friend...someone I never, ever expected to get a gift from. He's such a doll.

AND he picked the A-PLUS-Number-One-Highest-Priority thing on my wishlist (see the little Wishes & Dreams button over there on the right-hand sidebar?).

It was THIS:



You may remember I told you that I went to one of the concerts there in Austin Texas, May 2000. You may also remember that I have Russell Crowe's sweat on my bandana.
I'm actually saving that for the DNA so that someday I can have him cloned for my own personal pleasure.
AND you may further remember that I actually passed a few words with (totally hot, sexy, badder-than-bad-boy) Russell himself.

This, my friends, is the best gift ever.
I get to re-live the concert. Anytime I want.

You know what else?

Ready?

Wait for it....

I AM TOTALLY ON THE FREAKIN' VIDEO!!!

Betcher ass.
Lookit...




Swinging my bright red bandana, wiping my face with it, sleeves rolled up, hat on (my friend Tamz made us all little caps with TOFOG on them)...
And there I am.
Damn.
I realize the pictures aren't very clear, since I took them from the video~~but rest assured it is yrs truly. One day I'll hunt up the pictures I took there & show you.
The dark haired girl in front of me is my friend Goosie (aka Lisa). We had us a time, yes we did.

And my friend Neicie (who, until we met at the concert I had only known as grunthead1), actually got interviewed.

How d'you like me now, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?


Okay, it all seems a little anti-climactic now...


If that weren't proof enough that I am indeed on Santa's nice list, then listen to this...
As I scurried through the stores yesterday to do all my Christmas shopping, I went into Waldenbooks...one of my greatest weaknesses. I was determined to get what I needed and leave, without buying myself a book.
Man, that was tough.
I got two books for my dad (Nelson DeMille) and for my daugher I got Island of the Blue Dolphins and A Wrinkle In Time.
I was resisting with all my might, but as I walked to the checkout counter I began to feel faint and dizzy. I tried to keep moving, to persevere, but I was getting weaker and weaker.
As I passed the Bargain Books, my willpower completely deserted me and I had to look.
And naturally, picked up a book for myself. Hey, it was on sale, a hardback David Baldacci for 5.99.
This cleared my head immediately.
I resume my walk to the checkout counter, the nice lady rings up my purchases and gives me a total.
I was puzzled, because the total seemed to be off. She must have noticed that I was confused because she picked up the book that I had grabbed for myself and said, "This one's free, hon. We're having a buy-4-get-the-5th-free sale."

I am the luckiest girl in the world.


A little heads-up:
Loose=the opposite of tight.
Lose=the opposite of win. Or find.

I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tell me a story.

Appropriated (yes, I realize that's just a fancy word for STOLEN) from Poopie...

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, please post a comment with a completely made-up and fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want-good or bad -but it has to be fake.

Then copy the paragraph above on your own blog.


Yes, I have a faulty memory...so please remind me of what a time we had that day.


Now, my boss has given me a half-day off today, and I intend to use it for some shopping. Of which I have done none so far.
Start today, finish tomorrow...that is my goal.

Wish me luck.


**MINI UPDATE: Today was a fabulous day and I'm about to burst from excitement...but I'm not going to tell you until tomorrow. Or maybe Saturday. I must savor the moment.

One the first day of Blog Christmas...

Well ain't that just the cat's pajamas! :)
My pal Mary has made me her FIRST DAY OF BLOG CHRISTMAS gift!
Mary, I'm honored...and may I say that you do indeed ROCK.
She's been on my blogroll for quite a long time, and she is always a delight.

I am glad to be #1 for a couple-three reasons...

1. It's always nice to be in first place.
2. My name gets used the most times.
3. I truly feel like a superbitchSTAR, like my girl Jules said.



Thanks Mary!


on a different note...

Isn't it sad when you really truly like a person so very much, and then they do or say something that you just can't seem to recover from and then you just don't like 'em so much anymore?


Forgive my neglect...I did not make it through my blogroll this weekend.
Stupid housework.
Stupid dishes.
Stupid laundry.

Will someone please get me a maid for Christmas, so I'll have more time for blog reading? Thanks ever so.


You ever think people are being deliberately stupid just to piss you off?
Or is that just me?


on the other hand...
Do you ever deliberately act stupid to piss people off?
Or is that just me?


**Please don't forget about my tenant. She said she loves people dropping by unannounced, especially when they say the landlord sent them.
Go see her. Please. Thank you.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Monday Morning Quickie

A few words about Survivor...

Last year at this time, I dated a guy who looked just like Jamie. They could be brothers.
His name was Steve.

We had a good time together, until I found out he was a big ol' racist.


Is it my imagination, or did Danni have some serious collagen lips?


White zinfandel is not the best beverage for dipping Oreo cookies into.
I'm just sayin'.


We've started calling my daughter "The Dog Whisperer".
For crap's sake.


Please do not forget to visit my tenant and say hello, tell her the landlord sent you.
Thank you.



That is all.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

I have writer's cramp.

**I am a slumlord again this week~so please do me a little favor and go visit my tenant. Please don't forget to say hello. And don't mention the gigantic sewer rats mice.
RockBitch has faced many challenges and is coming through them quite nicely. She's tough and feisty...you'll love her!



It's official~I've forgotten how to write.
By hand, I mean.
I was filling out my Christmas cards yesterday...and my hand just wouldn't work properly.
I spend all day at work typing on the computer.
I don't do any handwriting at home...well, not since my daughter learned to make the grocery list for me.

So if you notice any mistakes or cross-outs, that's why.


Overheard...
(my daughter to my brother-in-law's father): "I can speak a little bit of wolf, cat, and some small dog. But not much big dog."
Weird kid.


My week in review:

Sliced my finger open.
Kitchen sink waterline froze.
So did the drain.
Apparently kitchen lines UNfroze at some point during the day...with the tap still on.
Daughter calls at work to tell me kitchen is flooded.
I burned a whole pan of chicken.
My friend Des has already invited me for New Year's Eve~~evidently she is aware that my chances of actually having a date are slim to none.
I ate a big bunch of cookies.
And fudge.
*sigh*


My Year In Review:

A meme.
Sorry.

Go into your archives, and post the FIRST sentence from the FIRST post you made each month.

January: "The world is my oyster...and I can't get the damn thing open." ~aka-monty

February: If I don't get my computer back soon, Ima have to change the name to THE TWICE WEEKLY BITCH.

March: I have long suspected that my house is haunted.

April: "Thou Shalt Not Kill"...now that's just good sense.

May: But first...smug, smarmy people annoy the piss right out of me.

June: This was meant to be posted prior to the first guest post; however, the Oversight Committee committed an...oversight, as they were on hiatus.

July: Please excuse the prolonged absence.

August: Some people have SOME nerve.

September: One of my all-time favorites from engrish.com.

October: A big shout-out to Meg over at BlogCabin.

November: Yes kiddies, it is time again for that Show of Shows...Flashback Thursday!

December: How do I know the holiday season is upon us?

I am trying to send this to the Meme Graveyard, so I will tag only Brandon, the place where memes go to die.

If you decide to play, please let me know so that I can come and admire your answers.

(Jessica, I know I still owe you a meme. I'll get to it. Promise.)

C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me...

Someone skidded on the ice a couple days ago and took out a large chunk of my fence in the front yard.
Dammit.
They didn't even stop.


What's that?
A twinkle in my eye?
A sparkle of cheer?

Yes, it appears that the holiday spirit has finally found me!
Hoo-ah.

And it's all thanks to you. Yes, you.

Over the past couple of days I have received so many lovely Christmas cards from you, and it has made me very happy.
I feel ♥ed.

Yesterday's arrivals included a hand-drawn card that I will treasure always.
And a big box of homemade cookies and fudge.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I dove right into those (and they were terrifically delicious, I might add!).

I'd love to tell you who those gifts were from...but I'm not sure if I should because then you'll be jealous. :)

But I do want to say THANK YOU ALL so very, very much!
I love each and every card, and have proudly displayed them all in the living room.

P.S. I am getting the last of my Christmas cards in the mail Monday, so if you haven't sent me your address yet...now would be a good time. :)

P.P.S. To whoever the person is from nasa.gov who keeps lurking around here...please de-cloak yourself and say hello.
Thanks.


The other day I sliced my finger open nearly to the bone opening a stupid container of HEET. I was prying the cap off (it actually says PRY OFF on the lid), when it slipped and the lip of the cap cut a big chunk out of my finger.

It was totally gross.
Hence the thankfulness for big bandaids.

I am determined to get through my entire blogroll this weekend. I mean it.
So, if you'll excuse me...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

FLASHBACK THURSDAY

Today I am grateful for:
A car with a working heater & power steering~last winter my car had neither.
Front wheel drive.
Big BandAids.


One year ago today...
Evidently I wasn't any more imaginative than I am now.
Here's last December 8th in Monty's World.


So one of my daughter's homework assignments was to write a story about Santa. I certainly don't remember doing a lot of creative writing projects in the third grade, but I'm glad to see her doing it. Incites the imagination.
Anyhoo, I thought the story was really great (although I'm aware that I'm somewhat biased in that regard), so I decided to share it. Here it is, exactly as it was written.



By Rebecca, 9 years old.

Santa's Helper


On a chilly Christmas night I was up in bed waiting for Santa. It was midnight and I was about to fall asleep, when all of a sudden I heard a noise. It was the sound of reindeer hoofs. I jumped up out of bed and went to my window. Outside of my window I saw Santa. He came in through the door. He said hi to me, and then he asked me to help him give gifts to everybody. I said yes but I have to ask my mom first. He said ok, so I went into my mom's room and asked her if I could go. She said it was ok to go with him. So, I went back in the living room and told him she said ok, and he said good. So we went outside and he let me ride on his reindeer and we delivered all of the gifts to people. When we were done he brought me back, and for being such a good helper he gave me a harmonica.

The End.



I think her writing style is better than mine.
And we both start every other damn sentence with "So".
I guess it is genetic.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Nostalgia

But first...
Don't forget to go visit my renter over there on the sidebar and say HOWDY!


Anyone else watch Grey's Anatomy?
Oh, come on, I know some of you did.

I have some empathy with Dory, with the preemies.
My twins were born at 24 weeks, and looked very much (identical, in fact) like the teeny tiny babies they showed.

I wish they had done the co-bed thing at the hospital, because my babies were frequently stressed. They did respond well to my voice and touch, and when their beds were side by side they did better.
So I did the co-bedding thing when they came home...but for purely selfish reasons, as it was just easier for me.

The picture below was taken in August of 1995. My son had only been home from the hospital for a few days, my daughter had been home for about a month and a half. They are six months old.
They are together in one little bassinette~so tiny! My son is the one yawning hugely on the right.

twins


Two oxygen tanks, two apnea monitors (you can see Bubba's chestband that the electrodes were on)...going anywhere was a bit of a chore.


My due date was June 4...their actual date of birth was February 13.
My almost-Valentines.

Sweet. :)

A & Q Time!

Sunday afternoon, and time for
The Great A & Q


For those who haven't played it before...
I give you the answer, you tell me the question.
Got it? Good.

Today's answer is...
"Only when it is red and itchy."



How do I know I have PMS? Let me count the ways...

I threw my keys when I couldn't find a shoe.
Then I cried when I broke my keyring.

I cried during all the hymns in church today. And the prayers. And part of the offering.

I stamped me little feet when I couldn't get the lid off the peanut butter.
Then I cried when I licked peanut butter off the knife and scraped my tongue.

I cried whilst watching Mulan.
And The Sword in the Stone.
And during part of Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.

Please do not be nice to me. Or mean.
I'll cry.

I think I need a nap.


Oh wait, I'm having a mood swing.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

The best medicine.

**UPDATE**
I have (temporarily) jumped on the B/E RENT MY BLOG bandwagon, so please do me a favor (because you ♥ me) and go visit him. There's some funny stuff there.

And please don't tell my new renter about the bodies buried in the backyard.


My buddy Goody is looking for some beta readers. I can tell you from experience that if you like his particular genre, you'll love his work.
Go check it out!


"I love to laugh!
HA HA HA HA!
Long and loud and clear!
I love to laugh!
HA HA HA HA!
It just gets worse every year!"



Obviously I watched Mary Poppins recently.


So how do you laugh?
Are you a giggler? Snorter? Belly laugher? One of those silent laughers where your body shakes silently while tears pour out of your eyes?
All of the above?

Me too.

I have actually embarrassed people (and by people I mean guys I have dated that really have no sense of humor~but I'll come back to that) with my laugh, in public.
I can't help it.
Like Uncle Albert, I actually float out of my seat a few inches.

Mostly, I'm a throw-your-head-back-and-laugh-with-your-whole-self kind of person. It is deep and booming, sometimes.
Then when I get truly tickled the laughter becomes silent, my whole body quivers and my face gets all red and my eyes water uncontrollably.

This has also embarrassed 'people' in public.
They look around to see if anyone is noticing the crazy girl they're with.

I say HEY, if I'm not embarrassed by that stick you have up your ass, you shouldn't be embarrassed because I'm laughing. Consider yourself fortunate that I'm not laughing AT you~~I'll be saving that for when I tell my friends about our date.

Do you inadvertently smile when you notice someone else enjoying themselves that way?
Or do you just find it annoying?
Or do you sympathize with the not-laughing person?


Guys who do not get my jokes, however obscure they are, do not usually get a second date.


Speaking of dating (or lack thereof)...

At one point in my life, the looks alone were important.
So I dated hot guys...that were dumb as a stump and twice as thick.
That is not to say that hot guys can't be smart~I'm just saying I didn't find any of those kind. I am in Okieland, after all.

Then I thought I'd date the sensitive guys. The ones who could talk about their feelings.
Great.
That's all they ever talked about. Every conversation had to be deep and/or philosophical and/or meaningful.
No wiggle room for the absurd.

The only thing these two groups have in common is that I managed to embarrass both with...well...laughter.
The best part was that sometimes they didn't even know what they said that I found so amusing.

I'm beginning to think that the problem might lie with me.
Then I just laugh that idea off.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas...

How do I know the holiday season is upon us?
This song tells me so.

C'mon fellow OkieLanders, sing with me now. I know you know the words.
I'll start, you finish:

Jewelry is the gift to give
'Cause it's the gift that'll live and live!
So give the gift you know can't fail
From B.C. Clarke's anniversary saaaaaaale...



You remember one of the last scenes in the movie Pretty Woman, where Julia has her hair in a ponytail or clip or something? Then Richard Gere shows up and she takes the clip out and her hair falls into perfect bouncing curls.
No lines or frizzies from the ponytail.

Yeah, that never happens to me.


As it is Flashback Thursday and our very own Blazers CHL Hockey Team is playing the Ft. Worth Brahmas tomorrow night, I thought I'd re-post what happened the last time I witnessed these two teams clash...I actually went to Ft. Worth to watch the game.
Here you go.


Entitled: "If I'd have had a sharp stick, I'd've put out my own eyes"

From the Daily Bitch Sports Page...
Okay, so I went to Ft. Worth yesterday with my sister, to catch some CHL action.
Got our asses handed to us on a platter. (Ach, Blazers, what were you thinking?!
A perfectly lackluster performance, until the last five minutes of the game. With 2 goals scored in quick succession, the Blazers finally tied the score at 4 to 4.
Thus began the overtime...with no goals scored by either side.
Then...the bane of their existence...the SHOOT OUT.
The Blazers are not known for their capabilities in this particular area. *sigh*
Boyd Ballard (btw, thanks for the tickets, Boyd, even though I'm going to diss you a little bit) evidently does not see the puck well, since they continued to zip by him.
So when the final Brahma shot the puck...Boyd just watched it right into the goal.
Way to go, Boyd.

But as much as I love (most of) the Great State of Texas (and many of the people who reside there), there were some seriously disturbing events.
Apparently, it is customary for some of the Brahma fans to celebrate a goal in a rather unusual manner~~they take their shirts off and swing them around their heads.

I offer a few tips, or guidelines, to make this event more pleasurable (if that is even a possibility) for the rest of us:

1. If you're over, say, 40...do NOT take your shirt off.
2. If your waist size is more than, again I'll say 40 (inches)...do NOT take your shirt off.
3. If you are a candidate for the "man-bra"...do NOT take your shirt off.
4. If you've got more hair than a grizzly bear...do NOT take your shirt off.
5. If your back is as hairy than your front, if it looks like you're wearing a sweater even when you're naked...do NOT take your shirt off.
6. Ladies, if you have boobies that are hovering somewhere near your knees, even with a support bra...do NOT take your shirt off.
7. Ladies, if you've forgotten to shave your pits...do NOT take your shirt off.

Folks, this is a family show. I feel permanently scarred, and in need of serious therapy. The images are burned into my brain~~I had nightmares. *shudder*

Doctors, I hope you can fit me in for an emergency session today.



I at least hope WE win this time.
And the rules still stand, people. Be warned.