Please guys, I'm beggin' you...tell me there's something better still available out there!
WTF?!
Monday, February 28, 2005
For Entertainment Purposes Only
Here's just a sampling of what I received today in my personals mailbox.
Please guys, I'm beggin' you...tell me there's something better still available out there!
Im a 38yr old dad of two im widow loking for a woman who is openminded and likes a good chalange im not perfect by far i do my best to do whats right for my kids and me and the dateing thing has been hell i was married for 17yrs im a pro husban i like the simple things in life dont get me wrong i like to go out and have fun just like everybody elese but its not a have to thing i family time and grown up time to if your in to head games or your a player im not the one because players can be played too and id drethered not do that because games of the heart should be taken serious
WTF?!
Please guys, I'm beggin' you...tell me there's something better still available out there!
WTF?!
Sunday, February 27, 2005
"...And The Nominees Are..."
No worries, I'm not going to rehash the night's events. There are blogs a-plenty out there who have offered up their picks and pans, whether or not their predictions came true, and who was wearing the ugliest dress (probably Gwyneth Paltrow, as usual).
I only offer 2 observations: Salma Hayak & Penelope Cruz are actually the same person, as I've long suspected; and Antonio Banderas is a worse singer than he is an actor, if that's possible.
..................................................
I want you to imagine for a moment that you were at the Oscars, sitting
there with your date/spouse/mommy/daddy/kids/sibling/best friend...outwardly, you're cool and composed. Inwardly, though, you're a bundle of live nerves, all pinging at once. Your heart races, your palms are sweaty...you try to engage in casual conversation but your mind is screaming, "Will you JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!"
Then the lights dim, there is a call for silence. The anticipation builds to a fever pitch as the show returns from commercial break. You desperately need a bathroom, but your category is next. You cross your legs and pray.
You mentally roll your eyes at the lame-ass jokes the presenters are stumbling through...you wonder how those idiots ever got to be actors in the first place, since they can't even manage to memorize 4 lines of text (WHY O WHY couldn't they just let Robin Williams run the whole damn thing, anyway?!?).
And then........
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!
The Oscar goes to....
...that jerk, that prima donna, that...NOT YOU.
You sit there stunned, in total disbelief, with your ever-so-carefully prepared speech notes crumpled in your hand. You applaud politely in case the cameras are on you, manage to smile, choke back the tears, and try not to vomit publicly.
Another year of disappointment. You begin to empathize with Susan Lucci.
Doing our part to alleviate a small portion of the intense pain you must be suffering, we at the The Daily Bitch offer you this opportunity to go ahead & read us that acceptance speech.
You don't want those hours & hours of work to go to waste, do you?
So put on your most humble, grateful face and speechifyin' voice and
TELL US WHAT YOUR CATEGORY IS, AND
GIVE US THAT WONDERFUL SPEECH.
We'll even go you one better than the Oscars...there is no blinking red light to signal "TIME'S UP!". No orchestra music will suddenly drown you out. You can thank everyone you really want to thank.
Ready?
*cue spotlight*
You're on, sweetheart.
NOTE TO SELF: Stop hanging around the Doctors' Office so much, you're starting to refer to yourself in the plural.
I only offer 2 observations: Salma Hayak & Penelope Cruz are actually the same person, as I've long suspected; and Antonio Banderas is a worse singer than he is an actor, if that's possible.
..................................................
I want you to imagine for a moment that you were at the Oscars, sitting
there with your date/spouse/mommy/daddy/kids/sibling/best friend...outwardly, you're cool and composed. Inwardly, though, you're a bundle of live nerves, all pinging at once. Your heart races, your palms are sweaty...you try to engage in casual conversation but your mind is screaming, "Will you JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!"
Then the lights dim, there is a call for silence. The anticipation builds to a fever pitch as the show returns from commercial break. You desperately need a bathroom, but your category is next. You cross your legs and pray.
You mentally roll your eyes at the lame-ass jokes the presenters are stumbling through...you wonder how those idiots ever got to be actors in the first place, since they can't even manage to memorize 4 lines of text (WHY O WHY couldn't they just let Robin Williams run the whole damn thing, anyway?!?).
And then........
DUN DUN DUN!!!!!
The Oscar goes to....
...that jerk, that prima donna, that...NOT YOU.
You sit there stunned, in total disbelief, with your ever-so-carefully prepared speech notes crumpled in your hand. You applaud politely in case the cameras are on you, manage to smile, choke back the tears, and try not to vomit publicly.
Another year of disappointment. You begin to empathize with Susan Lucci.
Doing our part to alleviate a small portion of the intense pain you must be suffering, we at the The Daily Bitch offer you this opportunity to go ahead & read us that acceptance speech.
You don't want those hours & hours of work to go to waste, do you?
So put on your most humble, grateful face and speechifyin' voice and
TELL US WHAT YOUR CATEGORY IS, AND
GIVE US THAT WONDERFUL SPEECH.
We'll even go you one better than the Oscars...there is no blinking red light to signal "TIME'S UP!". No orchestra music will suddenly drown you out. You can thank everyone you really want to thank.
Ready?
*cue spotlight*
You're on, sweetheart.
NOTE TO SELF: Stop hanging around the Doctors' Office so much, you're starting to refer to yourself in the plural.
A Tale Re-Told
I find myself completely uninspired today ("TODAY?!" you exclaim incredulously. "What about every other day?") and with a serious case o' the blahs. It's one of those days where I'm exhibiting what I like to call "Deer In The Headlights Syndrome". I suffer from this malady infrequently, thank goodness...but all the things I've been neglecting are so piled up and intimidating that I am frozen in place, unable to begin. Makes me wonder why the hell I stopped taking Zoloft.
*insert heavy sigh*
So to that end, today will be a re-publication. Some of you may have seen it before.
My reasons are two-fold:
1. To accomodate my DITHS
and
B. *snicker* Because I almost have enough material for a VOLUME II of this particular piece, which will be forthcoming in a few days. You may somehow come away with the impression that we don't like people much. You may be right. But just the same, take it all with a grain or two of salt.
Ah, the joys of being a (very) small business owner.
As consumers, many of you may find yourselves offended, and take the other POV. Hey, that's okay with me. Just don't come into our place for lunch. :)
With any luck, VOL. III will rear its head before May. We'll see.
So, on with the show! (My apologies to those of you who have to now sit through this twice)
DINER DIVAS: Tales From Behind The Counter
Okay. Some people don't go to restaurants because they wonder what could happen in the kitchen. And some people don't complain until AFTER they've finished their meal, because they are afraid that the kitchen staff might 'do' something to their food.
Now, I've never served someone a sneezer, but I can't deny that I've been sorely tempted. :) Some of my favorite customers (yes, those are few and far between) I can joke with...sometimes if they're giving me a hard time I'll give a big theatrical sneeze or cough and then yell "EYEEEW, GROSS!! Oh well. Hey, sorry 'bout that (insert name here)". Tho' I must admit that only a select few can take that kind of humor.
Eh, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
ANYWAY, Thursday was slow, so we (my mom, my sister & I) started passing around a pad of paper, each writing a couple of lines about things we really, really detest. REALLY. Some of them may seem petty to you; insignificant really...and they usually are. However, faced with these same trivial demands day in and day out from the same people for several years, they grow to enormous proportions.
So here, in no particular order, is what we wrote:
Lauren (my sister): This is about all of the annoying people who eat at LuLu's. We, the staff, dislike most of our customers.
ME: Especially annoying are the people who order everything on the side. For example, our taco salad is made thusly: tortilla chips, homemade chili, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes. We have one bitc...I mean customer, who orders a 'taco salad, no chips, chili on the side'. *sigh* Sometimes she orders chili nachos with the cheese and the chili on the side. One lady orders it with the lettuce on the side. Why can't they just freaking eat it how we fix it????
And the people who order extra extra everything...but don't want to pay the extra extra price.
Lauren: One time a man wanted us to actually crunch up his tortilla chips for him when we made his taco salad. DUMBASSHOLE!!!! Did he want us to feed it to him, too? But I crunched 'em up all right...oh boy, I demolished them. He hasn't made that request again.
ME: Peoople expect for us to GIVE them the moon. But we are going for more of an 'anti-burger king' theme...we want to REFUSE to do it their way.
MOM: I like most everyone who shows me the money. I don't like the ones that tell me that they will pay me later.
Lauren: Dad used to make everyone laugh by joking around with them. Now he doesn't even care. Once we tried to sell this hell-hole, but mom blew it. (just kiddin, mom)
MOM: People who want to know the contents of their weenies are a pain in the weenie. We don't keep a list of ingredients. Assholes & elbows is what I always want to say. And what difference does it make what brand we use? If you're that concerned, order something else.
Lauren: People who want to know things that are none of their business also suck ass. Like during the summer we don't make veg. beef stew, so we covered it up on our big menu. One lady actually had the nerve to ask, "What do you have covered up there that I can't see?" If we HAD it, it wouldn't be covered up, would it?? Since it IS covered...what difference could it possibly make to you? GGGAAAAAAAAHHHH.
And who in their right mind would make us put CHILI on top of CHICKEN SALAD. Or STEW on top of their SIDE SALAD. That's just nasty.
ME: You know who's really annoying? People who come in and start smacking their hands down hard on our counter. OVER AND OVER AND OVER....Yeah, we see you, asshole. Now we're just ignoring you because you're so stupid.
MOM: People who smile at me with their horsey-faced smiles make me want to puke and I would love to throw their large taco salad with no chips, no lettuce, no cheese and no meat in their horsey-assed faces.
(good one, mom! lol)
Lauren: Clown-faces also scare us. Lady, ever heard of makeup moderation? *shudder* Women who laugh like men are also scary. Huh huh huh huh. But the make-up mask faces and women with trimmed mustaches are especially frightening.
ME: More things we loathe...people who go out of their way to stare back at us in the kitchen (we put up curtains to discourage this, but you'd be amazed at the fools people make of themselves, contorting their heads & necks to try & watch us)...they try to watch our every move...Also we hate the people who come in 5 minutes AFTER closing time & then look hurt when we don't want to fix them any food~~usually everything is put away & washed. After all...we're FUCKING CLOSED.
Lauren: I don't know why this bothers me so much, but the people who eat WAY too much just piss me off. A new one just came in, a lady who wants us to put her chips in a separate container from her sandwich (chips come free w/the sammitch). GOD I HATE PEOPLE. And she is a Petunia Pig bitch. (okay, Lauren, tell us how you REALLY feel! lol)
ME: Things customers should be jailed for: ordering a ham & cheese sandwich with cheese only on HALF the sandwich...mayo on the OTHER half, and tomatoes on the half with no cheese. Keep in mind that these are REGULAR sammiches on regular bread. This ain't freakin' subway, morons.
Also deserving of serious jail time: Rude Guy and Stupid Guy. STupid Guy came in one day, ordered a coke, then sat down in OUR deli and started eating food he bought SOMEWHERE ELSE. OMG!!! Outrageous. I wanted to stick my big sharp knife right in his eye. In fact, EVERYONE who brings food in that they bought somewhere else should be locked up. Seriously. I mean, do you go into McDonald's to get a drink whilst carrying a bucket o' chicken from KFC?)
Rude Guy...yeah, I can thing of some things I'd LOVE to do to his food. We were really busy, the phone was ringing (and that is our very LAST priority when we're busy)...and Lauren was trying to take Rude Guy's money...he propped his elbows on the counter, refused to acknowledge her, and simply stared at the phone.
WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Evidently he thought he should run things at our place. Fucker. Loser. Asswipe.
MOM: One of the most trying persons is the one who wants to "borrow" a fork or a spoon. Are they going to wash it up and return it? Yeah, we REALLY want it back after your nasty mouth has been on it. AND they're usually wanting to 'borrow' it because they got food somewhere else & forgot to get eating utensils. Use your fingers, idiot. Also, when someone orders a drink and the person behind them yells out "Hey, get me a medium coke while you're over there." Then they want to pay for this 75cent item with a $50. And then they leave their empty straw wrapper on the counter, while there is a trash can in plain view, right by the door.
ME: And speaking of unreasonable demands...we have a customer who always requests that we make her salad in the LID of the container, so the cheese gets mixed in. WTF???? Is she too incompetent to turn the box upside down HERSELF? I think we all know the answer to that question...the scary thing is that MOST of these people work in the medical profession. There's NO WAY IN HELL I would go to any of the doctors or nurses in our building. Scary.
MOM: Or how about the lady who plays 'hide the meat'. *GAG*
(yeah, you guys really don't want to know THIS story)
ME: Extremely annoying are the people who order "CHILI CHEESE NACHOS"...and when you say "Okay, chili nachos? anything else?" They say "I want chili CHEEEEESE nachos". Dummies. Nachos without CHEESE are just...chips in a box.
MOM: The lady who talks with food in her mouth...I especially like to see her come in. :(
ME: Another favorite is the person who comes in & says (every bloody day) "Whatcha got that's good?" Ummm, yeah, nothing. That's how we stay in business, by serving a bunch of crap. How stupid ARE you?
MOM: I dislike the people who want me to recommend something to eat. I recommend McDonald's.
ME: And let us not forget the woman who wanted a hotdog on a BUN, but we were out of buns, it was the end of the day...but she couldn't eat the weenie on white bread because "white bread binds her up". OMG. *sigh* AND the lady who finds it necessary to smoke right in front of our door so that the other customers have to walk right through her big cloud of smoke. Oh yeah, Dad sometimes does that too. *coff coff*
MOM: And when I say we don't ahve something, and someone says "Are you sure?" Gee, no, I'll just check in the back.
ME: Fun are the ones who, when we're out of something, say, "Well, you just need to make more next time." Yeah, like we've never heard THAT before. And you NEED to shut the hell up. Oh, aand I dearly love the ones who interpret "How are you today?" as "Please tell me your whole life story. Really. Every little teeny detail."
MOM: The lady in the wheelchair always leaves a lasting impression...especially when she runs over people's feet and knocks them over. And without fail spills either her drink or her chips all over the place. And then has to borrow our phone 4 or 5 times to call a cab. And asks us EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE COMES in if we have cappucino. Once she asked us that 3 times in the same day.
ME: One of our favorites we call the Horse Whisperer. He tries to talk to us in a very low soft voice, somehow expecting to be heard over the clanking of the ice machine, the loud humming of the refrigerators, and the radio. And is not deterred when we have to say "WHAT??" over & over. Every time. We ARE becoming excellent lip-readers.
ME: I wonder if people REALLY think they can hurt our feelings? Like when they come in and want lunch at 9:45 am (we don't start serving lunch until 11am)...and when we say we don't have lunch stuff prepared yet, they say "Well, I guess you've pushed me to have to go somewhere else." Our reaction? GOOD. Don't come back.
MOM: "Is there something wrong with your phone? I've been trying to call for 2 hours!" Yeah, it's off the hook for EXACTLY that reason! We don't have the time when you want to call in the middle of the lunch rush to order your $1.50 small salad & an ice. Walk your fat lazy ass down the flight of stairs (hell, take the elevator!) and stand in line like everyone else, instead of wasting 2 hours on the phone. Don't you have WORK to do??
Oh, and don't forget to stick your finger in the chili and yell out "this is COLD!" in a room full of customers...when you had ordered it to be ready at 12:00, but didn't bother to show up to pick it up until 12:40. Bitch.
ME: We must include the people who order several things...one at a time. Large coke? Okay. And when you hand it to them..."Oh, and a bagel with cream cheese" (these take awhile to toast) When you hand them THAT, then..."I'd better go ahead & get some toast & jelly for so & so". Fixed that..."and a small ice, I forgot"...10 minutes and 6 items later...Anything else? "Yeah, I need some chips. And gum."
MOM: NAPKIN STEALERS!! They come in and spend 50cents for a small coke...and take about 30 napkins. THAT'LL BE $1.00 EXTRA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And the ones who take about 2lbs worth of pepper packets, and empty our bin of them EVERY DAY.
ME: Yeah, we don't really care that you won't be ordering chili or a ham sandwich today because of your religion. Order a damn salad & save your explanation for someone who gives a shit.
Lauren: I hate people who get something they don't order...OUR mistake...but don't even bother to bring it back. When they're in the same building. But then call the next day to say they didn't eat it.
OH WELL. You're NOT getting your money back. Dumbass.
ME: And one final thing for today...if you walk OUT the door and drop your soda/sour cream/sandwich/ranch dressing/whatever...WHEN DID IT BECOME OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO REPLACE IT FREE OF CHARGE? Why do you look at us with those hurt and soulful eyes when we tell you the price of replacement? For crap's sake, people.
Okay, those are the high (low?)lights...we started making a list of people we REALLY dislike but it grew so large that we ran out of paper...so we decided to make a list of the regulars that we DO like. I think there're less than 10 names on there.
So I guess if you ever come to eat at our place...you'll probably change your mind before you come in. :D And if any of my fellow Okies have been in and think any of this points to you...of course not! It was somebody else. For real. Truly.
*insert heavy sigh*
So to that end, today will be a re-publication. Some of you may have seen it before.
My reasons are two-fold:
1. To accomodate my DITHS
and
B. *snicker* Because I almost have enough material for a VOLUME II of this particular piece, which will be forthcoming in a few days. You may somehow come away with the impression that we don't like people much. You may be right. But just the same, take it all with a grain or two of salt.
Ah, the joys of being a (very) small business owner.
As consumers, many of you may find yourselves offended, and take the other POV. Hey, that's okay with me. Just don't come into our place for lunch. :)
With any luck, VOL. III will rear its head before May. We'll see.
So, on with the show! (My apologies to those of you who have to now sit through this twice)
DINER DIVAS: Tales From Behind The Counter
Okay. Some people don't go to restaurants because they wonder what could happen in the kitchen. And some people don't complain until AFTER they've finished their meal, because they are afraid that the kitchen staff might 'do' something to their food.
Now, I've never served someone a sneezer, but I can't deny that I've been sorely tempted. :) Some of my favorite customers (yes, those are few and far between) I can joke with...sometimes if they're giving me a hard time I'll give a big theatrical sneeze or cough and then yell "EYEEEW, GROSS!! Oh well. Hey, sorry 'bout that (insert name here)". Tho' I must admit that only a select few can take that kind of humor.
Eh, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
ANYWAY, Thursday was slow, so we (my mom, my sister & I) started passing around a pad of paper, each writing a couple of lines about things we really, really detest. REALLY. Some of them may seem petty to you; insignificant really...and they usually are. However, faced with these same trivial demands day in and day out from the same people for several years, they grow to enormous proportions.
So here, in no particular order, is what we wrote:
Lauren (my sister): This is about all of the annoying people who eat at LuLu's. We, the staff, dislike most of our customers.
ME: Especially annoying are the people who order everything on the side. For example, our taco salad is made thusly: tortilla chips, homemade chili, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes. We have one bitc...I mean customer, who orders a 'taco salad, no chips, chili on the side'. *sigh* Sometimes she orders chili nachos with the cheese and the chili on the side. One lady orders it with the lettuce on the side. Why can't they just freaking eat it how we fix it????
And the people who order extra extra everything...but don't want to pay the extra extra price.
Lauren: One time a man wanted us to actually crunch up his tortilla chips for him when we made his taco salad. DUMBASSHOLE!!!! Did he want us to feed it to him, too? But I crunched 'em up all right...oh boy, I demolished them. He hasn't made that request again.
ME: Peoople expect for us to GIVE them the moon. But we are going for more of an 'anti-burger king' theme...we want to REFUSE to do it their way.
MOM: I like most everyone who shows me the money. I don't like the ones that tell me that they will pay me later.
Lauren: Dad used to make everyone laugh by joking around with them. Now he doesn't even care. Once we tried to sell this hell-hole, but mom blew it. (just kiddin, mom)
MOM: People who want to know the contents of their weenies are a pain in the weenie. We don't keep a list of ingredients. Assholes & elbows is what I always want to say. And what difference does it make what brand we use? If you're that concerned, order something else.
Lauren: People who want to know things that are none of their business also suck ass. Like during the summer we don't make veg. beef stew, so we covered it up on our big menu. One lady actually had the nerve to ask, "What do you have covered up there that I can't see?" If we HAD it, it wouldn't be covered up, would it?? Since it IS covered...what difference could it possibly make to you? GGGAAAAAAAAHHHH.
And who in their right mind would make us put CHILI on top of CHICKEN SALAD. Or STEW on top of their SIDE SALAD. That's just nasty.
ME: You know who's really annoying? People who come in and start smacking their hands down hard on our counter. OVER AND OVER AND OVER....Yeah, we see you, asshole. Now we're just ignoring you because you're so stupid.
MOM: People who smile at me with their horsey-faced smiles make me want to puke and I would love to throw their large taco salad with no chips, no lettuce, no cheese and no meat in their horsey-assed faces.
(good one, mom! lol)
Lauren: Clown-faces also scare us. Lady, ever heard of makeup moderation? *shudder* Women who laugh like men are also scary. Huh huh huh huh. But the make-up mask faces and women with trimmed mustaches are especially frightening.
ME: More things we loathe...people who go out of their way to stare back at us in the kitchen (we put up curtains to discourage this, but you'd be amazed at the fools people make of themselves, contorting their heads & necks to try & watch us)...they try to watch our every move...Also we hate the people who come in 5 minutes AFTER closing time & then look hurt when we don't want to fix them any food~~usually everything is put away & washed. After all...we're FUCKING CLOSED.
Lauren: I don't know why this bothers me so much, but the people who eat WAY too much just piss me off. A new one just came in, a lady who wants us to put her chips in a separate container from her sandwich (chips come free w/the sammitch). GOD I HATE PEOPLE. And she is a Petunia Pig bitch. (okay, Lauren, tell us how you REALLY feel! lol)
ME: Things customers should be jailed for: ordering a ham & cheese sandwich with cheese only on HALF the sandwich...mayo on the OTHER half, and tomatoes on the half with no cheese. Keep in mind that these are REGULAR sammiches on regular bread. This ain't freakin' subway, morons.
Also deserving of serious jail time: Rude Guy and Stupid Guy. STupid Guy came in one day, ordered a coke, then sat down in OUR deli and started eating food he bought SOMEWHERE ELSE. OMG!!! Outrageous. I wanted to stick my big sharp knife right in his eye. In fact, EVERYONE who brings food in that they bought somewhere else should be locked up. Seriously. I mean, do you go into McDonald's to get a drink whilst carrying a bucket o' chicken from KFC?)
Rude Guy...yeah, I can thing of some things I'd LOVE to do to his food. We were really busy, the phone was ringing (and that is our very LAST priority when we're busy)...and Lauren was trying to take Rude Guy's money...he propped his elbows on the counter, refused to acknowledge her, and simply stared at the phone.
WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Evidently he thought he should run things at our place. Fucker. Loser. Asswipe.
MOM: One of the most trying persons is the one who wants to "borrow" a fork or a spoon. Are they going to wash it up and return it? Yeah, we REALLY want it back after your nasty mouth has been on it. AND they're usually wanting to 'borrow' it because they got food somewhere else & forgot to get eating utensils. Use your fingers, idiot. Also, when someone orders a drink and the person behind them yells out "Hey, get me a medium coke while you're over there." Then they want to pay for this 75cent item with a $50. And then they leave their empty straw wrapper on the counter, while there is a trash can in plain view, right by the door.
ME: And speaking of unreasonable demands...we have a customer who always requests that we make her salad in the LID of the container, so the cheese gets mixed in. WTF???? Is she too incompetent to turn the box upside down HERSELF? I think we all know the answer to that question...the scary thing is that MOST of these people work in the medical profession. There's NO WAY IN HELL I would go to any of the doctors or nurses in our building. Scary.
MOM: Or how about the lady who plays 'hide the meat'. *GAG*
(yeah, you guys really don't want to know THIS story)
ME: Extremely annoying are the people who order "CHILI CHEESE NACHOS"...and when you say "Okay, chili nachos? anything else?" They say "I want chili CHEEEEESE nachos". Dummies. Nachos without CHEESE are just...chips in a box.
MOM: The lady who talks with food in her mouth...I especially like to see her come in. :(
ME: Another favorite is the person who comes in & says (every bloody day) "Whatcha got that's good?" Ummm, yeah, nothing. That's how we stay in business, by serving a bunch of crap. How stupid ARE you?
MOM: I dislike the people who want me to recommend something to eat. I recommend McDonald's.
ME: And let us not forget the woman who wanted a hotdog on a BUN, but we were out of buns, it was the end of the day...but she couldn't eat the weenie on white bread because "white bread binds her up". OMG. *sigh* AND the lady who finds it necessary to smoke right in front of our door so that the other customers have to walk right through her big cloud of smoke. Oh yeah, Dad sometimes does that too. *coff coff*
MOM: And when I say we don't ahve something, and someone says "Are you sure?" Gee, no, I'll just check in the back.
ME: Fun are the ones who, when we're out of something, say, "Well, you just need to make more next time." Yeah, like we've never heard THAT before. And you NEED to shut the hell up. Oh, aand I dearly love the ones who interpret "How are you today?" as "Please tell me your whole life story. Really. Every little teeny detail."
MOM: The lady in the wheelchair always leaves a lasting impression...especially when she runs over people's feet and knocks them over. And without fail spills either her drink or her chips all over the place. And then has to borrow our phone 4 or 5 times to call a cab. And asks us EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE COMES in if we have cappucino. Once she asked us that 3 times in the same day.
ME: One of our favorites we call the Horse Whisperer. He tries to talk to us in a very low soft voice, somehow expecting to be heard over the clanking of the ice machine, the loud humming of the refrigerators, and the radio. And is not deterred when we have to say "WHAT??" over & over. Every time. We ARE becoming excellent lip-readers.
ME: I wonder if people REALLY think they can hurt our feelings? Like when they come in and want lunch at 9:45 am (we don't start serving lunch until 11am)...and when we say we don't have lunch stuff prepared yet, they say "Well, I guess you've pushed me to have to go somewhere else." Our reaction? GOOD. Don't come back.
MOM: "Is there something wrong with your phone? I've been trying to call for 2 hours!" Yeah, it's off the hook for EXACTLY that reason! We don't have the time when you want to call in the middle of the lunch rush to order your $1.50 small salad & an ice. Walk your fat lazy ass down the flight of stairs (hell, take the elevator!) and stand in line like everyone else, instead of wasting 2 hours on the phone. Don't you have WORK to do??
Oh, and don't forget to stick your finger in the chili and yell out "this is COLD!" in a room full of customers...when you had ordered it to be ready at 12:00, but didn't bother to show up to pick it up until 12:40. Bitch.
ME: We must include the people who order several things...one at a time. Large coke? Okay. And when you hand it to them..."Oh, and a bagel with cream cheese" (these take awhile to toast) When you hand them THAT, then..."I'd better go ahead & get some toast & jelly for so & so". Fixed that..."and a small ice, I forgot"...10 minutes and 6 items later...Anything else? "Yeah, I need some chips. And gum."
MOM: NAPKIN STEALERS!! They come in and spend 50cents for a small coke...and take about 30 napkins. THAT'LL BE $1.00 EXTRA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And the ones who take about 2lbs worth of pepper packets, and empty our bin of them EVERY DAY.
ME: Yeah, we don't really care that you won't be ordering chili or a ham sandwich today because of your religion. Order a damn salad & save your explanation for someone who gives a shit.
Lauren: I hate people who get something they don't order...OUR mistake...but don't even bother to bring it back. When they're in the same building. But then call the next day to say they didn't eat it.
OH WELL. You're NOT getting your money back. Dumbass.
ME: And one final thing for today...if you walk OUT the door and drop your soda/sour cream/sandwich/ranch dressing/whatever...WHEN DID IT BECOME OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO REPLACE IT FREE OF CHARGE? Why do you look at us with those hurt and soulful eyes when we tell you the price of replacement? For crap's sake, people.
Okay, those are the high (low?)lights...we started making a list of people we REALLY dislike but it grew so large that we ran out of paper...so we decided to make a list of the regulars that we DO like. I think there're less than 10 names on there.
So I guess if you ever come to eat at our place...you'll probably change your mind before you come in. :D And if any of my fellow Okies have been in and think any of this points to you...of course not! It was somebody else. For real. Truly.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Say WHAT?!
But first...
Did anyone else catch the "Stars Without MakeUp" on FOX Thursday night? I was told that some of the celebrities tried to prevent this show for airing, saying that it 'de-humanized' them. To me, I think it only made them appear to be more human to the unwashed masses. To see a hot celebrity sporting cellulite, droops & bulges, wrinkles & bags...only makes me love them more. Celebrities, you're real people too. Why be so afraid to show that you actually carry your own groceries? (except of course for you, Rosie)
I came across this at Cam's place (where I always find the latest scoop!) and 'borrowed' it in order to give my fellow and favored bloggers the chance to sound off.
I think it goes a long way in proving The Doctors' point that intelligent people are idiots too.
To see the complete article, click HERE. It's worth a look.
Cam says...
GALLAGHER RIPS THE BLOGS
Not the watermelon-smashing Gallagher. Conservative talk-show host Mike Gallagher went off on the blogs on his show the other day.
He said that bloggers are a bunch of "geeky losers in their basements cranking out crap on a computer" and that blogging provides "power for freak-shows to harass and destroy individuals."
"I am worried about this trend of legitimizing bloggers," Gallagher said.
He then went on to reveal his ignorance of how blogs work by saying that bloggers send out "thousands and thousands" of emails to people whether they like it or not.
Gallagher continued, "I am not enamored with the bloggers... I think it is a breeding ground for a lot of bad, bad things."
Gallagher stated what really bothers him about blogging is that "anybody can do it."
So, whatchall think? Ready to step up on the soapbox (sorry, the one I have actually is a soapbox, Tide to be exact, so you'll have to step carefully and take turns). But I'm very interested in what you have to say.
By the way, although I am sort of a geek, my basement is way too small and damp to accomodate my computer. It is strictly "Tornado Warning" Use Only. And while I do frequently harass individuals, I believe I have yet to actually destroy anyone. I do dream about it, though. And never once have I sent out thousands and thousands of e-mails...I'm far too lazy.
Ready? Set? GO!
Did anyone else catch the "Stars Without MakeUp" on FOX Thursday night? I was told that some of the celebrities tried to prevent this show for airing, saying that it 'de-humanized' them. To me, I think it only made them appear to be more human to the unwashed masses. To see a hot celebrity sporting cellulite, droops & bulges, wrinkles & bags...only makes me love them more. Celebrities, you're real people too. Why be so afraid to show that you actually carry your own groceries? (except of course for you, Rosie)
I came across this at Cam's place (where I always find the latest scoop!) and 'borrowed' it in order to give my fellow and favored bloggers the chance to sound off.
I think it goes a long way in proving The Doctors' point that intelligent people are idiots too.
To see the complete article, click HERE. It's worth a look.
Cam says...
GALLAGHER RIPS THE BLOGS
Not the watermelon-smashing Gallagher. Conservative talk-show host Mike Gallagher went off on the blogs on his show the other day.
He said that bloggers are a bunch of "geeky losers in their basements cranking out crap on a computer" and that blogging provides "power for freak-shows to harass and destroy individuals."
"I am worried about this trend of legitimizing bloggers," Gallagher said.
He then went on to reveal his ignorance of how blogs work by saying that bloggers send out "thousands and thousands" of emails to people whether they like it or not.
Gallagher continued, "I am not enamored with the bloggers... I think it is a breeding ground for a lot of bad, bad things."
Gallagher stated what really bothers him about blogging is that "anybody can do it."
So, whatchall think? Ready to step up on the soapbox (sorry, the one I have actually is a soapbox, Tide to be exact, so you'll have to step carefully and take turns). But I'm very interested in what you have to say.
By the way, although I am sort of a geek, my basement is way too small and damp to accomodate my computer. It is strictly "Tornado Warning" Use Only. And while I do frequently harass individuals, I believe I have yet to actually destroy anyone. I do dream about it, though. And never once have I sent out thousands and thousands of e-mails...I'm far too lazy.
Ready? Set? GO!
Friday, February 25, 2005
All Creatures Great and Small
But first...
To the moron who was in front of me on the highway this afternoon...
If you're going to have some really gorgeous custom graphics displayed in your rear window, I suggest you learn how to spell 'IRRESISTABEL' [sic].
I suffer from a couple of phobias...most notably what I refer to as my 'bug-o-phobia'. I hesitate to use the proper term for this fear, because I don't really fear the bugs themselves. I know that most of them are perfectly harmless. I know that they won't hurt me. Yeah yeah. I get it already.
My fear is of the bugs touching my skin. *shudder* I cannot stand the thought of those little legs, and antennae, and wings, and WHATEVER, touching me. I have goosebumps on my arms right now just thinking of it.
While I am quite fearless when it comes to getting rid of a pesky field mouse, or picking up the occasional ring-neck or garden snake when I'm outside in the yard, even though I actually enjoy digging up worms when we're headed for the fishin'-hole,
I will walk 5 feet out of my way to avoid a flock(?) of butterflies. Moths that come in and bounce around my light fixtures drive me mad. In the summer, I get crickets, crickets, and more crickets in the house...if I don't actually see them, they don't bother me, because then I don't have to worry about them hopping up on me with their creepy little bent legs. But if I can see them...I am hypnotically fixated on them. I will be frozen in position, locked in a room if the bug is between me and the door.
And don't even get me started on the myriad varieties of beetles we've got around here.
If they come whilst I am sleeping...oh well. As long as they don't leave me a "Hello, Michele sent me!" note, I'm quite all right.
It's a good thing I don't have roaches, or I'd leave my house without a backward glance.
I hate the crunchy sound bugs make when you smash 'em. Thank goodness spiders don't usually crunch, because my house is old and we've got all sizes and shapes here. It's really no wonder that I'm half out of my mind.
And in case you were wondering...chasing me around the house with a junebug until I lock myself in your bathroom for half an hour while everyone laughs hysterically is NOT a fun time for me. So now you know. Next time I'll probably be suing you for emotional trauma. Now you can't say you weren't warned.
And speaking of bugs...
Aaah. My brother~~you've gotta love him. All 6 feet 4-or-so inches and 350 pounds of him. He has a propensity toward gruffness, rudeness, arrogance, selfishness, sarcasm, and sometimes downright meanness. Sadly, these are our family traits from which there is no escape, as they are so deeply inbred.
But within the giant beats a somewhat tender heart. One day last summer I, in a phobic panic, ran next door to get this brother. There was a big red wasp buzzing in the living room window.
I told my brother the problem, he bitched, he sighed, he griped...but he came over armed with the flyswatter.
He looked sorrowfully at the wasp in the window, said, "Sorry about this, buddy", then disposed of the little corpse.
I asked if he needed a kleenex to dry his wittle tears & did he want me to build a damn box so he could give the thing a proper burial.
He gave me the finger.
Hey, it's just my way of saying, "Thanks for a job well done, bro".
To the moron who was in front of me on the highway this afternoon...
If you're going to have some really gorgeous custom graphics displayed in your rear window, I suggest you learn how to spell 'IRRESISTABEL' [sic].
I suffer from a couple of phobias...most notably what I refer to as my 'bug-o-phobia'. I hesitate to use the proper term for this fear, because I don't really fear the bugs themselves. I know that most of them are perfectly harmless. I know that they won't hurt me. Yeah yeah. I get it already.
My fear is of the bugs touching my skin. *shudder* I cannot stand the thought of those little legs, and antennae, and wings, and WHATEVER, touching me. I have goosebumps on my arms right now just thinking of it.
While I am quite fearless when it comes to getting rid of a pesky field mouse, or picking up the occasional ring-neck or garden snake when I'm outside in the yard, even though I actually enjoy digging up worms when we're headed for the fishin'-hole,
I will walk 5 feet out of my way to avoid a flock(?) of butterflies. Moths that come in and bounce around my light fixtures drive me mad. In the summer, I get crickets, crickets, and more crickets in the house...if I don't actually see them, they don't bother me, because then I don't have to worry about them hopping up on me with their creepy little bent legs. But if I can see them...I am hypnotically fixated on them. I will be frozen in position, locked in a room if the bug is between me and the door.
And don't even get me started on the myriad varieties of beetles we've got around here.
If they come whilst I am sleeping...oh well. As long as they don't leave me a "Hello, Michele sent me!" note, I'm quite all right.
It's a good thing I don't have roaches, or I'd leave my house without a backward glance.
I hate the crunchy sound bugs make when you smash 'em. Thank goodness spiders don't usually crunch, because my house is old and we've got all sizes and shapes here. It's really no wonder that I'm half out of my mind.
And in case you were wondering...chasing me around the house with a junebug until I lock myself in your bathroom for half an hour while everyone laughs hysterically is NOT a fun time for me. So now you know. Next time I'll probably be suing you for emotional trauma. Now you can't say you weren't warned.
And speaking of bugs...
Aaah. My brother~~you've gotta love him. All 6 feet 4-or-so inches and 350 pounds of him. He has a propensity toward gruffness, rudeness, arrogance, selfishness, sarcasm, and sometimes downright meanness. Sadly, these are our family traits from which there is no escape, as they are so deeply inbred.
But within the giant beats a somewhat tender heart. One day last summer I, in a phobic panic, ran next door to get this brother. There was a big red wasp buzzing in the living room window.
I told my brother the problem, he bitched, he sighed, he griped...but he came over armed with the flyswatter.
He looked sorrowfully at the wasp in the window, said, "Sorry about this, buddy", then disposed of the little corpse.
I asked if he needed a kleenex to dry his wittle tears & did he want me to build a damn box so he could give the thing a proper burial.
He gave me the finger.
Hey, it's just my way of saying, "Thanks for a job well done, bro".
Thursday, February 24, 2005
And speaking of hockey...
Now now, I'm not one to beat a dead horse. This is just a bit o' info for fellow CHL fans ('cause we still got game, HAH!).
Word on the street is that Dallas Anderson (most recently of the Austin Ice Bats) has auditioned for the next season of 'reality tv's' Big Brother, along with a buddy of his.
I hope he makes it, just for the entertainment factor. He cracks me up every time I see him on the ice, skatin' around with his mouth hanging open like some half-wit.
Hey Dallas, your village called...they want their idiot back.
Okay, so not too original, but still funny, yes?
Tip of the day...Don't eat yellow snow.
So recently I was talking with some girlfriends, and quite naturally the conversation turned to men, dates, relationships, yadda yadda yadda. Typical hen-party stuff.
I discovered something a little odd about myself.
Evidently I have some sort of fear of money.
More specifically, of talking about it. Or seeing it. Or something.
When I am with close friends, when I was married, I have had no problem dealing with financial discussions. It doesn't bother me to discuss my own finances. It does not embarrass me to have to say, "No can do, my budget is too tight this month," when friends want to do something that is out of my reach.
But on a date? *sigh*
When I am on a date, especially if it is someone new, I get uncomfortable thinking about $$.
If we go to a pricey restaurant, the back of my mind is thinking, "I hope he can afford this place".
I never, ever order anything expensive, I tend to select something in the lowest price range.
I NEVER look at the check when it comes.
I discreetly look away when he opens his wallet to
A. Grab a credit card or
B. Count out the cash.
I also am embarrassed when I'm out with people who under-tip. I frequently go back to the table in order to leave some extra $$, especially if the service has been outstanding.
I've been known to tip $2 for a $1.50 cup of coffee.
Can you tell that I've been a waitress and lived off tips?
Because I have. I spent many years doing that very thing. I generally leave at least 20%, sometimes more for most excellent service. I ALWAYS leave something, even for horrible service, especially when it isn't the server's fault.
But that doesn't explain my weirdness on dates.
I can find within myself no rational explanation for this behavior.
Perhaps I should ask the Doctors what they think...
Proving that the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing...
On The Early Show this morning, some lady who's name I forget was being interviewed regarding the jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial. The subject here was a 70-something white woman with a nephew who has been convicted of child molestation.
This is paraphrased, as my memory is not what it once was.
'On one hand, being a woman, the defense likes her because she's likely to be more compassionate. On the OTHER hand, being older, the prosecution likes her because she's probably more willing to hand down a conviction.
On the OTHER hand, having a relative who's been convicted of the same crime...'
Just how many hands does this lady have? I think she ought to get that checked out. Could be serious. Of course she may be a lawyer, so that third hand will come in handy...one hand to shake, one hand to clap you on the back with, while the third dips into your pocket...
***My apologies to my attorney friends, I couldn't resist the obvious joke at your expense. I HAVE actually known some lovely people who just happened to be lawyers.
Word on the street is that Dallas Anderson (most recently of the Austin Ice Bats) has auditioned for the next season of 'reality tv's' Big Brother, along with a buddy of his.
I hope he makes it, just for the entertainment factor. He cracks me up every time I see him on the ice, skatin' around with his mouth hanging open like some half-wit.
Hey Dallas, your village called...they want their idiot back.
Okay, so not too original, but still funny, yes?
Tip of the day...Don't eat yellow snow.
So recently I was talking with some girlfriends, and quite naturally the conversation turned to men, dates, relationships, yadda yadda yadda. Typical hen-party stuff.
I discovered something a little odd about myself.
Evidently I have some sort of fear of money.
More specifically, of talking about it. Or seeing it. Or something.
When I am with close friends, when I was married, I have had no problem dealing with financial discussions. It doesn't bother me to discuss my own finances. It does not embarrass me to have to say, "No can do, my budget is too tight this month," when friends want to do something that is out of my reach.
But on a date? *sigh*
When I am on a date, especially if it is someone new, I get uncomfortable thinking about $$.
If we go to a pricey restaurant, the back of my mind is thinking, "I hope he can afford this place".
I never, ever order anything expensive, I tend to select something in the lowest price range.
I NEVER look at the check when it comes.
I discreetly look away when he opens his wallet to
A. Grab a credit card or
B. Count out the cash.
I also am embarrassed when I'm out with people who under-tip. I frequently go back to the table in order to leave some extra $$, especially if the service has been outstanding.
I've been known to tip $2 for a $1.50 cup of coffee.
Can you tell that I've been a waitress and lived off tips?
Because I have. I spent many years doing that very thing. I generally leave at least 20%, sometimes more for most excellent service. I ALWAYS leave something, even for horrible service, especially when it isn't the server's fault.
But that doesn't explain my weirdness on dates.
I can find within myself no rational explanation for this behavior.
Perhaps I should ask the Doctors what they think...
Proving that the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing...
On The Early Show this morning, some lady who's name I forget was being interviewed regarding the jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial. The subject here was a 70-something white woman with a nephew who has been convicted of child molestation.
This is paraphrased, as my memory is not what it once was.
'On one hand, being a woman, the defense likes her because she's likely to be more compassionate. On the OTHER hand, being older, the prosecution likes her because she's probably more willing to hand down a conviction.
On the OTHER hand, having a relative who's been convicted of the same crime...'
Just how many hands does this lady have? I think she ought to get that checked out. Could be serious. Of course she may be a lawyer, so that third hand will come in handy...one hand to shake, one hand to clap you on the back with, while the third dips into your pocket...
***My apologies to my attorney friends, I couldn't resist the obvious joke at your expense. I HAVE actually known some lovely people who just happened to be lawyers.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Ego Strokin'
First order of business today...I would like to give a BIG OL' OKIE THANK YOU (which may involve a nice smooch) to Cam Edwards for the absolutely fabulous (and completely unexpected!) COMPLIMENT he gave me, for no apparent reason. :) Thanks Cam!
INCREDIBLY STUPID PRODUCT OF THE WEEK:
Iam's Savory Sauce.
What the hell? It's sauce...that you put on your dog's dry food. For crap's sake.
I love my doggies, but gimme a break. Just when I thought I'd seen everything...I found out I was wrong.
Entertainment News...
I saw an advertisement last night for some movie called "The Curse" or "The Cursed" or something like that...Christina Ricci still looks like Wednesday Addams. I'd've hoped she'd have grown out of that by now.
For some reason that I cannot fathom, I actually watched the "One Day At A Time Reunion" show last night.
What was I thinking?
What, ME talk about politics?
I'm the first to admit that I am...somewhat a-political. Or to call a spade a spade, I'm completely ignorant when it comes to politics. However, once in awhile something catches my eye that I feel rather strongly about. So NATURALLY my first thought is to share it with all of you, my friends!
Here's a couple of small excerpts from an article by Ruben Navarette Jr. in today's The Daily Oklahoman:
"Maybe I'm getting to the age when I'm starting to be senile or nostalgic or both, but people are so angry now," Clint Eastwood said. "You used to be able to disagree with people and still be friends. Now you hear these talk shows, and everyone who believes differently from you is a moron and an idiot--both on the right and on the left."
Ruben goes on to say:
These days, when they talk politics, a lot of Americans tend to demonize, dismiss, and demand. They demonize anyone who disagrees with them. They dismiss anything their opponents have to say. And they demand that even those who agree with them do so 100% of the time.
...You can be proud of someone for accomplishing something significant, and still critical of him for positions on which you disagree. To maintain otherwise is to make people out to be less complicated than they really are, and politics a lot less interesting than it ought to be.
See, now that makes sense to me.
INCREDIBLY STUPID PRODUCT OF THE WEEK:
Iam's Savory Sauce.
What the hell? It's sauce...that you put on your dog's dry food. For crap's sake.
I love my doggies, but gimme a break. Just when I thought I'd seen everything...I found out I was wrong.
Entertainment News...
I saw an advertisement last night for some movie called "The Curse" or "The Cursed" or something like that...Christina Ricci still looks like Wednesday Addams. I'd've hoped she'd have grown out of that by now.
For some reason that I cannot fathom, I actually watched the "One Day At A Time Reunion" show last night.
What was I thinking?
What, ME talk about politics?
I'm the first to admit that I am...somewhat a-political. Or to call a spade a spade, I'm completely ignorant when it comes to politics. However, once in awhile something catches my eye that I feel rather strongly about. So NATURALLY my first thought is to share it with all of you, my friends!
Here's a couple of small excerpts from an article by Ruben Navarette Jr. in today's The Daily Oklahoman:
"Maybe I'm getting to the age when I'm starting to be senile or nostalgic or both, but people are so angry now," Clint Eastwood said. "You used to be able to disagree with people and still be friends. Now you hear these talk shows, and everyone who believes differently from you is a moron and an idiot--both on the right and on the left."
Ruben goes on to say:
These days, when they talk politics, a lot of Americans tend to demonize, dismiss, and demand. They demonize anyone who disagrees with them. They dismiss anything their opponents have to say. And they demand that even those who agree with them do so 100% of the time.
...You can be proud of someone for accomplishing something significant, and still critical of him for positions on which you disagree. To maintain otherwise is to make people out to be less complicated than they really are, and politics a lot less interesting than it ought to be.
See, now that makes sense to me.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Foggy-Bottom Blues
I do love the fog. Woke up this morning to find visibility at about 1/8 of a mile. YIPPEE! My favorite fog is in the evening time, when it's so thick that you can barely see your hand in front of your face, and everything sounds as muffled as if it were wrapped in cotton.
I wish it were a season.
So, anyway, the Sperm Donor called last night. *sigh*
(For those of you who don't know, he's an X-Ray tech~~yeah, I put him through school before we split up, thanks a pant-load, jackass~~and he contracts out to various hospitals throughout the country. He's been in Ohio for the last 6 months.)
Okay.
Evidently his contract is up this week, and he'll be 'blazing through OKLA' on his way to visit his new wife's kids. Don't get me wrong, I like New Wife. She's an okay gal, as far as that goes, even if she is considerably older than he. And has kids ranging in age from near 30 to 8 (and even a grandkid). No problemo, she's perfectly nice. PLUS she ensures that I get my teensy tinsy bit of child support~bless her pointed little head!
But she does have a disturbing tendency to forget that she's not the only parent with absentee children that need a-visitin'.
I sincerely hope that she doesn't make it necessary for me to remind her.
So Sperm Donor says he'll be in town possibly Saturday, but maybe not until Sunday...depends on how things go. He'd like to get the kids overnight.
Gee, do you mean one whole night? Are you quite certain that you can spare the time?
And get real, freak...don't act like you're going to be taking our son along on the overnight visit~you never do. Because in your very own words.."He's a handful to get around."
No shit, Sherlock? What was your first effing clue?
I do it every day. It's really not that big of a deal.
Is it really too much for me to ask that you take BOTH children (they ARE both yours, you know!) for a visit? Since it's only going to be overnight, anyway?
DOESN'T MOMMY DESERVE SOME FREE TIME TOO!?
I wish it were a season.
So, anyway, the Sperm Donor called last night. *sigh*
(For those of you who don't know, he's an X-Ray tech~~yeah, I put him through school before we split up, thanks a pant-load, jackass~~and he contracts out to various hospitals throughout the country. He's been in Ohio for the last 6 months.)
Okay.
Evidently his contract is up this week, and he'll be 'blazing through OKLA' on his way to visit his new wife's kids. Don't get me wrong, I like New Wife. She's an okay gal, as far as that goes, even if she is considerably older than he. And has kids ranging in age from near 30 to 8 (and even a grandkid). No problemo, she's perfectly nice. PLUS she ensures that I get my teensy tinsy bit of child support~bless her pointed little head!
But she does have a disturbing tendency to forget that she's not the only parent with absentee children that need a-visitin'.
I sincerely hope that she doesn't make it necessary for me to remind her.
So Sperm Donor says he'll be in town possibly Saturday, but maybe not until Sunday...depends on how things go. He'd like to get the kids overnight.
Gee, do you mean one whole night? Are you quite certain that you can spare the time?
And get real, freak...don't act like you're going to be taking our son along on the overnight visit~you never do. Because in your very own words.."He's a handful to get around."
No shit, Sherlock? What was your first effing clue?
I do it every day. It's really not that big of a deal.
Is it really too much for me to ask that you take BOTH children (they ARE both yours, you know!) for a visit? Since it's only going to be overnight, anyway?
DOESN'T MOMMY DESERVE SOME FREE TIME TOO!?
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Gidget Goes To Heaven
Anyone who has ever seen Tammy Tell Me True has fallen in love with the ponytailed innocence and angelic features of Sandra Dee and her bee-stung lips.
The cutest girl that ever was, the utmost cheerleader before there were cheerleaders, must now be mourned.
Oh, how gorgeous she was. I hope she's found The Summer Place.
It seems that we are losing a whole generation of celebrities at once.
Ride that last big wave in, Gidge. We'll tell Moondoggie you'll meet him on the beach.
The cutest girl that ever was, the utmost cheerleader before there were cheerleaders, must now be mourned.
Oh, how gorgeous she was. I hope she's found The Summer Place.
It seems that we are losing a whole generation of celebrities at once.
Ride that last big wave in, Gidge. We'll tell Moondoggie you'll meet him on the beach.
For crap's sake.
If you're one of those many zillions of people who don't know much about me...let me fill you in.
Okay, so I'm single. Many single women nowadays are looking to online dating.
I'm pretty specific in what I want. And what I'll settle for.
So I'm putting out the word to all the guys at Hot or Not who want to Meet Me...
KEYWORDS I WILL AVOID LIKE THE BLACK PLAGUE:
Beer
Partying
Sex
Makin out (yes, someone had actually used that)
hot chicks
clubbin
drinkin
jack daniels
getting high
booze
anime porn (oh ICK)
riding harley's (riding harley's WHAT?)
Milatery (You're in it and you don't know how to spell it?)
And here's another tip: 35-45 age group limit is NOT just a suggestion, nor is it negotiable.
So in case you can't count very well...23 does NOT fall into that age group. Neither does 56.
and on another note...
When do I have to officially give up my self-delusions and start calling my "laugh-lines" what they really are~~wrinkles and crow's feet?
Does it make me a bad person that I worked up this post during church? Only during the hymns, though.
Okay, so I'm single. Many single women nowadays are looking to online dating.
I'm pretty specific in what I want. And what I'll settle for.
So I'm putting out the word to all the guys at Hot or Not who want to Meet Me...
KEYWORDS I WILL AVOID LIKE THE BLACK PLAGUE:
Beer
Partying
Sex
Makin out (yes, someone had actually used that)
hot chicks
clubbin
drinkin
jack daniels
getting high
booze
anime porn (oh ICK)
riding harley's (riding harley's WHAT?)
Milatery (You're in it and you don't know how to spell it?)
And here's another tip: 35-45 age group limit is NOT just a suggestion, nor is it negotiable.
So in case you can't count very well...23 does NOT fall into that age group. Neither does 56.
and on another note...
When do I have to officially give up my self-delusions and start calling my "laugh-lines" what they really are~~wrinkles and crow's feet?
Does it make me a bad person that I worked up this post during church? Only during the hymns, though.
Good Morning, all and sundry!
A quick note to say...
Why not head on over to Michele's Place for the Sunday Meet & Greet?
It's a great way to find some fabulous reads. And even some twisted minds, and dysfunctional soul-mates. :D
(of course I don't mean that you're dysfunctional, I meant that other guy)
Why not head on over to Michele's Place for the Sunday Meet & Greet?
It's a great way to find some fabulous reads. And even some twisted minds, and dysfunctional soul-mates. :D
(of course I don't mean that you're dysfunctional, I meant that other guy)
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Please. Somebody stop me. This can't be healthy.
"I told yous to hold still when I goes to smush yous!"~~Blotch,Kermit's Swamp Years
I'm sick, I tell you. Sick sick sick sick sick.
I have just sat through a MARATHON of the kid's TV show, Endurance: Hawaii.
It is sort of like Survivor for kids, only they play in teams of two.
Part of my excuse is that hey, it teaches kids to get along with others, all
types of kids from all over the country, and they spend a couple months learning
some independence. PLUS No TV, no radio, no PS2/gameboy/Xbox etc.
Really though, if I'm being honest, *she says with a horrible Simon Cowell accent*
I'm just feeding my addiction.
There is something seriously wrong with me.
I'm sick, I tell you. Sick sick sick sick sick.
I have just sat through a MARATHON of the kid's TV show, Endurance: Hawaii.
It is sort of like Survivor for kids, only they play in teams of two.
Part of my excuse is that hey, it teaches kids to get along with others, all
types of kids from all over the country, and they spend a couple months learning
some independence. PLUS No TV, no radio, no PS2/gameboy/Xbox etc.
Really though, if I'm being honest, *she says with a horrible Simon Cowell accent*
I'm just feeding my addiction.
There is something seriously wrong with me.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Now is your chance~~LABEL ME!
Quote of the day, as stolen from Scheiss Weekly:
"Yes, I used to be a hippie. Now, I'm just hippy."
I can totally relate.
But first...
My new pal (who, thankfully, does NOT consider me to be an idiot) over at The Idiot Next To Me is in search of new idiots for blogging purposes.
Here's one for the case files...true story.
The 16 year old daughter of a neighbor came by one evening. She wanted to borrow the food "prosser" so her mom could "pross" some coleslaw.
Yum yum.
Pross that food, baby.
Okay, on to the labeling...
So I was on a site the other day that asked me to classify or categorize
my blog.
This gave me pause for a moment.
What am I? Who am I? Now I must label myself, and therefore my blog?
I rarely write about politics.
I even more rarely write about religion.
I don't write about sports...the exception being the recent post re:
the NHL.
I can't say this blog is about nothing, because it is usually about anything and sometimes even about something. I would never have the audacity to claim that it's interesting, or more than mildly entertaining.
Personal diary? Maybe. But I think of a personal diary as having my innermost secrets and intimacies...and I save all that for my LJ. Because over there I can keep some things private.
Although I do sometimes write about my children, I wouldn't consider this a Mommy Blog, judging by the contents of the real Mommy Blogs out there.
So what am I all about?
You tell me.
I do occasionally rant, infrequently rave, and once in awhile I can bring myself to muse.
I even tend to go off on a tangent. Which is sort of like a scooter.
Speaking of alternative transportation, I have to say that it is fun sometimes to be in a high dudgeon. This is sort of a horse-drawn carriage, much like the one Cinderella rode off to happily-ever-after in. Great for short journeys. I usually have a good time being in a tizzy...that one is reminiscent of a small wooden rowboat. But you should always have a sextant and know how to use it when you're in a tizzy, otherwise you could get lost on the open sea.
One must also be careful when going off in a huff, because no matter how comfortable it is at first, those wooden wheels eventually will bounce you around & chap your ass.
If only there was a category for Insanity. Or perhaps just Nonsense.
Then I could be sure of where I stand in the great & powerful world of blogging.
So hit me with your best shot~~after all, how many times in your life do you think someone will actually request a label?
And if you don't do it...I may have to climb upon my high horse
and gallop away.
"Yes, I used to be a hippie. Now, I'm just hippy."
I can totally relate.
But first...
My new pal (who, thankfully, does NOT consider me to be an idiot) over at The Idiot Next To Me is in search of new idiots for blogging purposes.
Here's one for the case files...true story.
The 16 year old daughter of a neighbor came by one evening. She wanted to borrow the food "prosser" so her mom could "pross" some coleslaw.
Yum yum.
Pross that food, baby.
Okay, on to the labeling...
So I was on a site the other day that asked me to classify or categorize
my blog.
This gave me pause for a moment.
What am I? Who am I? Now I must label myself, and therefore my blog?
I rarely write about politics.
I even more rarely write about religion.
I don't write about sports...the exception being the recent post re:
the NHL.
I can't say this blog is about nothing, because it is usually about anything and sometimes even about something. I would never have the audacity to claim that it's interesting, or more than mildly entertaining.
Personal diary? Maybe. But I think of a personal diary as having my innermost secrets and intimacies...and I save all that for my LJ. Because over there I can keep some things private.
Although I do sometimes write about my children, I wouldn't consider this a Mommy Blog, judging by the contents of the real Mommy Blogs out there.
So what am I all about?
You tell me.
I do occasionally rant, infrequently rave, and once in awhile I can bring myself to muse.
I even tend to go off on a tangent. Which is sort of like a scooter.
Speaking of alternative transportation, I have to say that it is fun sometimes to be in a high dudgeon. This is sort of a horse-drawn carriage, much like the one Cinderella rode off to happily-ever-after in. Great for short journeys. I usually have a good time being in a tizzy...that one is reminiscent of a small wooden rowboat. But you should always have a sextant and know how to use it when you're in a tizzy, otherwise you could get lost on the open sea.
One must also be careful when going off in a huff, because no matter how comfortable it is at first, those wooden wheels eventually will bounce you around & chap your ass.
If only there was a category for Insanity. Or perhaps just Nonsense.
Then I could be sure of where I stand in the great & powerful world of blogging.
So hit me with your best shot~~after all, how many times in your life do you think someone will actually request a label?
And if you don't do it...I may have to climb upon my high horse
and gallop away.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Okieland News
Okay, I meant to post this yestidday, but in one of my frequent moments of madness, I forgot.
So forgive the outdated info.
Coming up on The Early Show, the hidden dangers of...escalators. Do you
know where to stand?
Now really. How much brain power does it take to stand on an escalator?
What about the creedo that we all lived by during childhood, "Step on a
crack, break your mother's back?" Putting aside all the times we were
really angry with our mothers and jumped up & down on EVERY crack we saw,
doesn't anyone follow those rules anymore? :)
Seriously, what's next? "An expert's guide to walking up stairs?"
...and in other absurd news:
Pope Michael Jackson the I was hospitalized today with flu-like symptoms.
The adoring public is hoping to receive a wave from the window to ease
their minds.
Call me a tough ol' broad, but I've never been hospitalized for the flu.
Constitution of steel, that's me.
**Update: Pope Michael has since been released from the hospital...and he DID give a wave to his sycophants, after all. What a nice guy, that Pope Michael!
...in sports news:
Here's my personal opinion regarding the NHL fiasco...I feel most sorry for the vendors and other businesses that cancelling the NHL season has damaged. For example, a bar near one of the sports centers that USED to employ 20 bartenders to cope with all the pre- and post-game traffic had to downsize to just FOUR bartenders. FOUR. And what about all the stores selling NHL jerseys, mugs, coasters, coozies, shotglasses, pucks, sticks, etc etc etc? Why, their business has fallen off to nearly nothing. Some of them are going under.
I also have some sympathy for the just-drafted rookies. They never even had a chance.
What's this going to do to the June draft?
Here in Okieland, we've got the CHL (GOOOOOO BLAZERS!). Here's what Blazer's captain Tyler Fleck had to say:
"I think what's going on is really hurting the game, and the game is in a very poor state right now. It's unfortunate for the fans. Small-market (NHL) teams are having trouble surviving, keeping up with the payroll. It's time for the players to put the GAME back in the game. It shouldn't be about dollars and cents."
Alternate captain Bryan Forslund said: "As a player, you naturally want to take the player's side, but there is some greed involved, and hockey players have obviously been paid very well in the past."
The Blazers (according to the Daily Oklahoman) who make between $300 and $700 a week plus houseing, find it tough to side with fellow hockey players at the NHL level, whose average salary last season was $1.83 million.
And I thought our guys were overpaid. ;)
...and the wrap up:
BEST IN SHOW. Wow, now that's a title we should all aspire to.
What exactly would you do with a title like that?
I guess the lucky
dog will be off on tour now...I imagine she'll be speaking at schools
about education, promoting world peace, publishing a book, posing for a
couple Playboy pics (for which she'll probably have her crown revoked)...The world is her dog biscuit.
So forgive the outdated info.
Coming up on The Early Show, the hidden dangers of...escalators. Do you
know where to stand?
Now really. How much brain power does it take to stand on an escalator?
What about the creedo that we all lived by during childhood, "Step on a
crack, break your mother's back?" Putting aside all the times we were
really angry with our mothers and jumped up & down on EVERY crack we saw,
doesn't anyone follow those rules anymore? :)
Seriously, what's next? "An expert's guide to walking up stairs?"
...and in other absurd news:
Pope Michael Jackson the I was hospitalized today with flu-like symptoms.
The adoring public is hoping to receive a wave from the window to ease
their minds.
Call me a tough ol' broad, but I've never been hospitalized for the flu.
Constitution of steel, that's me.
**Update: Pope Michael has since been released from the hospital...and he DID give a wave to his sycophants, after all. What a nice guy, that Pope Michael!
...in sports news:
Here's my personal opinion regarding the NHL fiasco...I feel most sorry for the vendors and other businesses that cancelling the NHL season has damaged. For example, a bar near one of the sports centers that USED to employ 20 bartenders to cope with all the pre- and post-game traffic had to downsize to just FOUR bartenders. FOUR. And what about all the stores selling NHL jerseys, mugs, coasters, coozies, shotglasses, pucks, sticks, etc etc etc? Why, their business has fallen off to nearly nothing. Some of them are going under.
I also have some sympathy for the just-drafted rookies. They never even had a chance.
What's this going to do to the June draft?
Here in Okieland, we've got the CHL (GOOOOOO BLAZERS!). Here's what Blazer's captain Tyler Fleck had to say:
"I think what's going on is really hurting the game, and the game is in a very poor state right now. It's unfortunate for the fans. Small-market (NHL) teams are having trouble surviving, keeping up with the payroll. It's time for the players to put the GAME back in the game. It shouldn't be about dollars and cents."
Alternate captain Bryan Forslund said: "As a player, you naturally want to take the player's side, but there is some greed involved, and hockey players have obviously been paid very well in the past."
The Blazers (according to the Daily Oklahoman) who make between $300 and $700 a week plus houseing, find it tough to side with fellow hockey players at the NHL level, whose average salary last season was $1.83 million.
And I thought our guys were overpaid. ;)
...and the wrap up:
BEST IN SHOW. Wow, now that's a title we should all aspire to.
What exactly would you do with a title like that?
I guess the lucky
dog will be off on tour now...I imagine she'll be speaking at schools
about education, promoting world peace, publishing a book, posing for a
couple Playboy pics (for which she'll probably have her crown revoked)...The world is her dog biscuit.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Dr. Phil plays Pin The Tail on the Jackass.
Our Top Story...
I found a really nifty Meme over at Mimi's place, better than most. So for those of you who might be interested, I posted it in my LiveJournal. Go on, you KNOW you're curious about me.
Feature:
Our delightfully de-lovely couple from the Amazing Race, Jonathan &
Victoria, get a dose from Dr. Phil.
Jonathan: abusive in all ways~physically, mentally, emotionally.
A real bully. Someone should open up the economy-sized can o' WhoopAss on him, if you ask me.
All smarmy fake-charm when he's trying to impress, a snake-oil salesman
of the first water, he comes off like exactly what he is~~a big, fat,
nasty LOSER.
Victoria: Whiny, weak, allowing herself to be victimized, an enabler.
However, having allowed myself that same option once upon a time, I
would defend her to the unwashed masses. I think she's traded on her
beauty for her whole life, and doesn't think for herself. Jonathan's
got her upside down & inside out. I'll lay dollars to donuts that he's
told her, "you're too stupid to get anyone else, you're lucky to have
me" so many times that she's come to believe it.
Whenever Dr. Phil was talking to Victoria, somehow Jonathan managed to
wrangle his way into their conversation, and turn it back to his
favorite subject. Jonathan.
If you ask me (which again, apparently no one has), Dr. Phil wasn't nearly
hard enough on them. But that's just me.
Now enough about the Amazing Race...BRING ON SURVIVOR!
and in completely unrelated news...
My dogs are playing WWF Wrestling on the back porch.
I still think it's fixed.
I found a really nifty Meme over at Mimi's place, better than most. So for those of you who might be interested, I posted it in my LiveJournal. Go on, you KNOW you're curious about me.
Feature:
Our delightfully de-lovely couple from the Amazing Race, Jonathan &
Victoria, get a dose from Dr. Phil.
Jonathan: abusive in all ways~physically, mentally, emotionally.
A real bully. Someone should open up the economy-sized can o' WhoopAss on him, if you ask me.
All smarmy fake-charm when he's trying to impress, a snake-oil salesman
of the first water, he comes off like exactly what he is~~a big, fat,
nasty LOSER.
Victoria: Whiny, weak, allowing herself to be victimized, an enabler.
However, having allowed myself that same option once upon a time, I
would defend her to the unwashed masses. I think she's traded on her
beauty for her whole life, and doesn't think for herself. Jonathan's
got her upside down & inside out. I'll lay dollars to donuts that he's
told her, "you're too stupid to get anyone else, you're lucky to have
me" so many times that she's come to believe it.
Whenever Dr. Phil was talking to Victoria, somehow Jonathan managed to
wrangle his way into their conversation, and turn it back to his
favorite subject. Jonathan.
If you ask me (which again, apparently no one has), Dr. Phil wasn't nearly
hard enough on them. But that's just me.
Now enough about the Amazing Race...BRING ON SURVIVOR!
and in completely unrelated news...
My dogs are playing WWF Wrestling on the back porch.
I still think it's fixed.
Life's simple pleasures.
The stage has been set...
The soft music of Seal murmurs dreamily in the background
The lights are dimmed
The candles are flickering, dancing their patterns on the walls
The fragrance of Ysatis (my favorite) perfumes the air
The ringers are off
The wine is poured
At last, that long-awaited moment is here.
Only one thing remains to carry the scene to completion.
I slip into a.....
....steaming tub frothing over with bubbles.
Bathtime for Mommy.
AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
The soft music of Seal murmurs dreamily in the background
The lights are dimmed
The candles are flickering, dancing their patterns on the walls
The fragrance of Ysatis (my favorite) perfumes the air
The ringers are off
The wine is poured
At last, that long-awaited moment is here.
Only one thing remains to carry the scene to completion.
I slip into a.....
....steaming tub frothing over with bubbles.
AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Blog-Love II
Love will find you when you least expect it; you know, when you haven't
brushed your teeth or hair, you're hungover, and last night's mascara
has given you 'raccoon eyes'. ~aka_monty
I'm quite certain that's how it will be for me. Typical.
Now that the V-Day furor has (somewhat) died down, I will share with
you an excerpt from my favorite piece of romantic poetry. I read it in Erich Segal's book
The Class some years ago, and it has stuck with me ever since:
"Star of my life, to the stars your face is turned;
Would I were the heavens, looking back at you with ten thousand eyes."~~Plato
*sigh*
What's your favorite piece of romantic poetry?
I was wondering...
Is it really possible to be truly happy with someone, to have a deep
and meaningful relationship with someone, if he uses Crest
gel and you use Colgate baking soda & peroxide, with whitening power?
Can this relationship ever work? I shudder to think.
Newsflashes...
Newsflashes...
...Blogging was actually on the news this morning. And YIPPEE...
and Okieland blogger was actually interviewed. Ima go check him out at dustbury.com.
Join me?
If you're a political type (and much to my everlasting shame, I am not), I think you'll enjoy it.
...I hate it when the morning news makes me cry. This morning there was
a whooooooooole hall full of people who were awaiting their brave soldiers
to return from the war. The 353rd unit. Watching the soldiers walk in
and be showered with love from their families...well..*sniffle*
Now I have to re-do my makeup.
brushed your teeth or hair, you're hungover, and last night's mascara
has given you 'raccoon eyes'. ~aka_monty
I'm quite certain that's how it will be for me. Typical.
Now that the V-Day furor has (somewhat) died down, I will share with
you an excerpt from my favorite piece of romantic poetry. I read it in Erich Segal's book
The Class some years ago, and it has stuck with me ever since:
"Star of my life, to the stars your face is turned;
Would I were the heavens, looking back at you with ten thousand eyes."~~Plato
*sigh*
What's your favorite piece of romantic poetry?
I was wondering...
Is it really possible to be truly happy with someone, to have a deep
and meaningful relationship with someone, if he uses Crest
gel and you use Colgate baking soda & peroxide, with whitening power?
Can this relationship ever work? I shudder to think.
Newsflashes...
Newsflashes...
...Blogging was actually on the news this morning. And YIPPEE...
and Okieland blogger was actually interviewed. Ima go check him out at dustbury.com.
Join me?
If you're a political type (and much to my everlasting shame, I am not), I think you'll enjoy it.
...I hate it when the morning news makes me cry. This morning there was
a whooooooooole hall full of people who were awaiting their brave soldiers
to return from the war. The 353rd unit. Watching the soldiers walk in
and be showered with love from their families...well..*sniffle*
Now I have to re-do my makeup.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Blog-love?
I was just now thinking...would it be weird for me to decide not to date a guy unless he blogs? Because quite frankly, none of the guys I know 'round these heah parts has a blog. I doubt some of 'em even know what a blog is. And some of them are not-so-literate ("hi sweaty, what u doing tommorrow nite cuz we shud go do somthing")...
Oh, I'm sure that here in Okieland there are some men who blog, I'm just saying that I don't personally know any of 'em. And I know a lot of guys. (you can take that last statement however you want)
On the flip side...how much do I really want to learn about the man in advance? I tend to lean toward delayed gratification in these cases, and uncover the 'man inside' a little at a time, as we go on. So do I really want to know all his innermost thoughts beforehand?
Hmmm.
Of course, it could save a lot of time...
Hmmm.
Of course, I could read something about myself that I may or may not like...
Hmmm.
Oh hell, as long as he can read, I guess that's okay.
See Dick run.
Oh, I'm sure that here in Okieland there are some men who blog, I'm just saying that I don't personally know any of 'em. And I know a lot of guys. (you can take that last statement however you want)
On the flip side...how much do I really want to learn about the man in advance? I tend to lean toward delayed gratification in these cases, and uncover the 'man inside' a little at a time, as we go on. So do I really want to know all his innermost thoughts beforehand?
Hmmm.
Of course, it could save a lot of time...
Hmmm.
Of course, I could read something about myself that I may or may not like...
Hmmm.
Oh hell, as long as he can read, I guess that's okay.
See Dick run.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Thought Process
Okay, let's play a game! I know it won't be nearly as much fun as Michele's or Janet's, but then again, I'm not as creative as they are.
Anyway.
You can touch-type, yes? With your eyes closed? Good. Don't worry, we won't hold those typos against you...today.
I'm interested in how people's minds work.
So we're going to play the "Stream-of-Consciousness" game.
Sit back, close your eyes, and think of one specific thing. Type it (either in the comments here-GOOD, or on your own blog-ALSO good, but let me know so I can come & see)...then let your mind drift, and see where that thought takes you. Type as you go.
C'mon, all the cool kids are doing it.
I'm going to multi-task and try to smoke my death-tube whilst my eyes are closed and I type & think at the same time. Now THAT'S a challenge.
MY computer is home!/I love my computer/I missed it/computers/computer science/I really need to work on html/learn css/maybe take a class/I need a new job/get resume together/monster.com/monsters.inc/children's laughter/I love my daughter's laugh/sounds like a chipmunk/my son's is a deep belly-laugh/makes me laugh/need to go work outside since it's sunny/fill in the holes the dogs have dug/my sweet doggies/smelly, need a bath/its hard to find the ashtray when your eyes are closed/but a perfect time to fantasize/Norman/valentine's day/urgh, now I feel lonely/no valentine this year/I miss Underdog/maybe..../but probably not/but he might call again/let go & let God/should've gone to church this morning/lazyass/need to put the laundry in the dryer/wash dishes/my arse is numb from sitting at the computer/need to decorate the birthday cake/screw dieting/but I've lost an inch in my waist & hips so far/go ME!/celebrate with cake/tomorrow IS anothah day/bleurgh, work tomorrow/customers/dipshits/ooo, Friday school is out so I'll get an extra day off work/THREE DAY WEEKEND!/WHERE is that effin' ashtray?/I think I just dumped ashes into my coffee cup/oh well, it was cold/blogblogblog/I love blogging/reading people's lives/nosy? yes, definitely/sounds like a magic 8-ball answer/lovelife? nonexistant/hope? ask again later
Now that, my friends, is brain soup.
Anyway.
You can touch-type, yes? With your eyes closed? Good. Don't worry, we won't hold those typos against you...today.
I'm interested in how people's minds work.
So we're going to play the "Stream-of-Consciousness" game.
Sit back, close your eyes, and think of one specific thing. Type it (either in the comments here-GOOD, or on your own blog-ALSO good, but let me know so I can come & see)...then let your mind drift, and see where that thought takes you. Type as you go.
C'mon, all the cool kids are doing it.
I'm going to multi-task and try to smoke my death-tube whilst my eyes are closed and I type & think at the same time. Now THAT'S a challenge.
MY computer is home!/I love my computer/I missed it/computers/computer science/I really need to work on html/learn css/maybe take a class/I need a new job/get resume together/monster.com/monsters.inc/children's laughter/I love my daughter's laugh/sounds like a chipmunk/my son's is a deep belly-laugh/makes me laugh/need to go work outside since it's sunny/fill in the holes the dogs have dug/my sweet doggies/smelly, need a bath/its hard to find the ashtray when your eyes are closed/but a perfect time to fantasize/Norman/valentine's day/urgh, now I feel lonely/no valentine this year/I miss Underdog/maybe..../but probably not/but he might call again/let go & let God/should've gone to church this morning/lazyass/need to put the laundry in the dryer/wash dishes/my arse is numb from sitting at the computer/need to decorate the birthday cake/screw dieting/but I've lost an inch in my waist & hips so far/go ME!/celebrate with cake/tomorrow IS anothah day/bleurgh, work tomorrow/customers/dipshits/ooo, Friday school is out so I'll get an extra day off work/THREE DAY WEEKEND!/WHERE is that effin' ashtray?/I think I just dumped ashes into my coffee cup/oh well, it was cold/blogblogblog/I love blogging/reading people's lives/nosy? yes, definitely/sounds like a magic 8-ball answer/lovelife? nonexistant/hope? ask again later
Now that, my friends, is brain soup.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Today my sweet babies are 10 years old.
Where O where has the time flown to? Especially as I'm not a day over 18. ;) (okay, x2)
Aaaaaaaaaah, would that I had a fainting couch, upon which I could fling myself with an attack of the vapors.
(what exactly are 'the vapors'? As a lass I read WAY too much historical~note the finger quotes~romance, and it seems the ladies always had smelling salts to ward off this evil condition)
Our Girl Scout cookies are in...so my day today will be spent sorting 145 boxes of cookies into piles for their intended recipients...and I can't find my post-it notes.
Maybe I'll just make a big pile & let everyone grab their own. If only people were still honorable about using the honor system.
Now gimme the money.
Where O where has the time flown to? Especially as I'm not a day over 18. ;) (okay, x2)
Aaaaaaaaaah, would that I had a fainting couch, upon which I could fling myself with an attack of the vapors.
(what exactly are 'the vapors'? As a lass I read WAY too much historical~note the finger quotes~romance, and it seems the ladies always had smelling salts to ward off this evil condition)
Our Girl Scout cookies are in...so my day today will be spent sorting 145 boxes of cookies into piles for their intended recipients...and I can't find my post-it notes.
Maybe I'll just make a big pile & let everyone grab their own. If only people were still honorable about using the honor system.
Now gimme the money.
And editorial by...the editor of this publication.
So a week or so ago I stayed up past my normal 10pm bedtime (most probably because of the 2-hour nap I'd taken), and ended up watching Letterman. Letterman won out because I was already in bed and the TV was on channel 9 and I couldn't find the remote.
Anyway.
'Twas a tribute to Johnny Carson. One of the guests was Peter Lesally (sp?), who'd worked with Johnny most all those years.
Dave asked Peter if Johnny ever just got really irritated at a guest and just lost it...Peter said, "Once Johnny was interviewing one of the 'Charlie's Angels' ladies...not one of the original four, but one of the girls who came later. I don't wish to be mean, but she was dumb. She babbled on & on, and I watched Johnny's eyes glaze over. I looked at him and thought that he'd be losing it soon if she didn't stop, and prayed that he wouldn't say anything. After she went on for some time, Johnny leaned over and said, 'Have you ever read any books?"
I'd sure be interested in knowing which one it was.
Speaking of dumbass celebrities...I was reminded of an episode of Leno a couple years ago (or so). Claire Danes was on. They were making a big deal out of the fact that she was able to make movies and attend HARVARD. When Jay asked what she intended to focus on, study-wise, she replied that she was taking a "POT-pure-ee" of subjects.
I can only assume she meant potpourri (POH-pur-ee).
Harvard?
Are celebs buying their way into Ivy League schools, perhaps squeezing out some truly deserving candidate?
Why was I not informed of this practice?
I should've at least gotten a memo.
Anyway.
'Twas a tribute to Johnny Carson. One of the guests was Peter Lesally (sp?), who'd worked with Johnny most all those years.
Dave asked Peter if Johnny ever just got really irritated at a guest and just lost it...Peter said, "Once Johnny was interviewing one of the 'Charlie's Angels' ladies...not one of the original four, but one of the girls who came later. I don't wish to be mean, but she was dumb. She babbled on & on, and I watched Johnny's eyes glaze over. I looked at him and thought that he'd be losing it soon if she didn't stop, and prayed that he wouldn't say anything. After she went on for some time, Johnny leaned over and said, 'Have you ever read any books?"
I'd sure be interested in knowing which one it was.
Speaking of dumbass celebrities...I was reminded of an episode of Leno a couple years ago (or so). Claire Danes was on. They were making a big deal out of the fact that she was able to make movies and attend HARVARD. When Jay asked what she intended to focus on, study-wise, she replied that she was taking a "POT-pure-ee" of subjects.
I can only assume she meant potpourri (POH-pur-ee).
Harvard?
Are celebs buying their way into Ivy League schools, perhaps squeezing out some truly deserving candidate?
Why was I not informed of this practice?
I should've at least gotten a memo.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Death of a Salesman
Rest In Peace, Arthur Miller. Hope you met up with Marilyn as soon as you got where you were goin'.
G'nite, Willie Lomax.
G'nite, Willie Lomax.
Friday, February 11, 2005
"I woke up in love this morning..."
The three little words that every man longs to hear on Valentine's Day..."I'm not pregnant."~~aka_monty
Should I be embarrassed that I own not only a David Cassidy CD, but a Partridge Family CD as well?
And I'm currently listening to one of them?
But I've got a little bit of the blues tonight...so I shall now listen to my most favored favorite 'I've got the blues' CD...
The Best of Laura Branigan.
*sigh*
Ti Amo
Should I be embarrassed that I own not only a David Cassidy CD, but a Partridge Family CD as well?
And I'm currently listening to one of them?
But I've got a little bit of the blues tonight...so I shall now listen to my most favored favorite 'I've got the blues' CD...
The Best of Laura Branigan.
*sigh*
Ti Amo
On that sugar high...
My horoscope for today:
ARIES
Testy? Cranky? Who, you? Just because the planet in charge of your sign just so happens to be Mars, the ancient god of war? No way. It's not that you're irritable. It's just that 'the opponents' -- those of us who happen to inhabit the extra space in your world -- are just so darned uncooperative. Don't take any guff from these intruders. Put 'em right in their place.
See, I KNEW there was a reason that I was getting annoyed with people for breathing my valuable oxygen today
in other news...
What a lovely Friday~my daughter has just arrived home from school...and...yes, it was VALENTINE'S DAY PARTY DAY! Tho' why they had it today when V-Day is Monday is somewhat beyond me. Oh well.
NOW I have the ever-so-pleasurable task of going through the goodie bag. YIPPEE! It's almost like Christmas time.
Naturally, I pick out all the good stuff first. Becca can have all the Nerds she wants, BUT THE HERSHEY'S KISSES ARE SOOOO MINE.
Hello, Twinkie, you're looking marvellously yummy today.
I wonder what my son will have in his goodie bag? The anticipation is almost too much to bear.
Another interesting newsie item today...
It appears that even monkeys will pay for porno. In a study, it turns out that a large portion of apes willingly gave up their reward of juice in exchange for the opportunity to ogle pictures of female ape bottoms.
Who funds these studies, anyway?
ARIES
Testy? Cranky? Who, you? Just because the planet in charge of your sign just so happens to be Mars, the ancient god of war? No way. It's not that you're irritable. It's just that 'the opponents' -- those of us who happen to inhabit the extra space in your world -- are just so darned uncooperative. Don't take any guff from these intruders. Put 'em right in their place.
See, I KNEW there was a reason that I was getting annoyed with people for breathing my valuable oxygen today
in other news...
What a lovely Friday~my daughter has just arrived home from school...and...yes, it was VALENTINE'S DAY PARTY DAY! Tho' why they had it today when V-Day is Monday is somewhat beyond me. Oh well.
NOW I have the ever-so-pleasurable task of going through the goodie bag. YIPPEE! It's almost like Christmas time.
Naturally, I pick out all the good stuff first. Becca can have all the Nerds she wants, BUT THE HERSHEY'S KISSES ARE SOOOO MINE.
Hello, Twinkie, you're looking marvellously yummy today.
I wonder what my son will have in his goodie bag? The anticipation is almost too much to bear.
Another interesting newsie item today...
It appears that even monkeys will pay for porno. In a study, it turns out that a large portion of apes willingly gave up their reward of juice in exchange for the opportunity to ogle pictures of female ape bottoms.
Who funds these studies, anyway?
Thursday, February 10, 2005
I am the quiz-ho', koo koo kajoo
But I'm only a-ho'ing for me own little quizzes. Go on & take 'em, you KNOW you were just looking for something to do anyhow.
And in the spirit of ho'ing...make sure you don't forget to rate them when you're done. I can take it. Really. No, I won't come after you with long, pointy knives...that was just a vicious rumor.
Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the Hungarian! You just HAD to buy that
CHEAPO Hungarian-to-English phrasebook...
What Monty Python Sketch Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are COREY, the good girl. Except for your
'speedy' little secret! Talk about your
over-achievers...lose the pills & take the guy.
Really.
Open 'Til Midnight. The BEST Empire Records Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
And in the spirit of ho'ing...make sure you don't forget to rate them when you're done. I can take it. Really. No, I won't come after you with long, pointy knives...that was just a vicious rumor.
Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the Hungarian! You just HAD to buy that
CHEAPO Hungarian-to-English phrasebook...
What Monty Python Sketch Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are COREY, the good girl. Except for your
'speedy' little secret! Talk about your
over-achievers...lose the pills & take the guy.
Really.
Open 'Til Midnight. The BEST Empire Records Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
For your entertainment...
Okay, so lately I've found the news to be more amusing than anything else. Just this morning I was watching a snippet of a 'special report' that will be aired on tonight's newscast...a police officer, during the interview, said this:
"We've had people killed at this intersection."
This just struck me as funny, as I took it completely out of context. I thought WHAT? You have people killed there? Did you just hire some Mafioso-types to stand around on the corner and pick off the wrongdoers? Is this some new form of public execution? *snicker*
And then there was this:
In a small town here in Okieland, there is a murderer going on trial for...well, murder. They called the jury in for the jury selection, and noticed that one of the jury members (that had been randomly chosen by driver's license number) did not appear. Turns out...
the absentee juror happens to be the victim of the alleged murderer.
I bet I know how he would've voted.
Now I must type like like this for awhile, as a particular piece of my personal punctuation has gone missing I don't know why, I haven't been exposed to any 'infections' of a certain type lately (five long months, to be exact)~the kind commonly considered to cause that condition~so it remains a mystery
As I'm getting older now, I should probably take things like missing punctuation more seriously, but as I'm also a procrastinator, I will probably put it off to see whether my punctuation decides to return to me next month
"We've had people killed at this intersection."
This just struck me as funny, as I took it completely out of context. I thought WHAT? You have people killed there? Did you just hire some Mafioso-types to stand around on the corner and pick off the wrongdoers? Is this some new form of public execution? *snicker*
And then there was this:
In a small town here in Okieland, there is a murderer going on trial for...well, murder. They called the jury in for the jury selection, and noticed that one of the jury members (that had been randomly chosen by driver's license number) did not appear. Turns out...
the absentee juror happens to be the victim of the alleged murderer.
I bet I know how he would've voted.
Now I must type like like this for awhile, as a particular piece of my personal punctuation has gone missing I don't know why, I haven't been exposed to any 'infections' of a certain type lately (five long months, to be exact)~the kind commonly considered to cause that condition~so it remains a mystery
As I'm getting older now, I should probably take things like missing punctuation more seriously, but as I'm also a procrastinator, I will probably put it off to see whether my punctuation decides to return to me next month
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
O SWEET DAY OF DELIVERANCE!!!
HE'S HOME! HE'S HOME! He's come back to me at last! Oh how my heart is rejoicing! My dearest one has returned, in fine fettle. I have hugged him and kissed him and stroked him and loved him and he is performing in his finest capacity ever. I'm so happy to have him back with me! I was beginning to wonder if we would ever lay eyes upon each other again...and if we did, would things be the same? How could they be, after such a long absence? But things are better than before, with more understanding and love between us than came before. We know each other's weaknesses now, we will be careful not to tread on each other's feelings unduly. We will work together as one to make this a happy home.
My darling, my dearest, my computer is home.
With a whole new outlook (not to mention a whole new hard-drive).
And a whole new set of Windows to peer through, no more 98 for us! Uh-uh, no way. It's XP all the way now. We're movin' on up.
Increased memory too! I'm glad he's been taking his ginko biloba.
So welcome home, my love. I'm glad to be re-connected with you.
Now, amid much consternation of the simple folk, I...AM....BACK.
And bettah than evah.
My darling, my dearest, my computer is home.
With a whole new outlook (not to mention a whole new hard-drive).
And a whole new set of Windows to peer through, no more 98 for us! Uh-uh, no way. It's XP all the way now. We're movin' on up.
Increased memory too! I'm glad he's been taking his ginko biloba.
So welcome home, my love. I'm glad to be re-connected with you.
Now, amid much consternation of the simple folk, I...AM....BACK.
And bettah than evah.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Frivolity, anyone?
Couple of snippets of news that I've heard over the last week or so...
Seems some large (hehe) body of people is trying to sue McDonalds, saying that their advertising is MISLEADING and McDonalds is responsible for their children's obesity.
I ask...where did the children get the money to BUY McDonald's food products to get obese? Is that the only place that the kids ever eat? Who takes the kids to McDonalds, anyhow? And who exactly is being misled by the advertisements? Is there a subliminal message running through the TV ads that I've somehow missed? Has my subconscious gone on vacation?
WHAT the FUCK?
And in other news...
There's a guy in a wheelchair. He goes around to restaurants and if there is any violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act, he sues the restaurant.
He does not bring the violations to the restaurant's manager or owner, he simply files a lawsuit against them.
My own son is in a wheelchair...but for crap's sake.
There was a guy who had just bought a franchise of Taco Mayo (I think). Seems the help-yourself fountain drink machine was 3 inches too high, in accordince with the ADA. So rather than say, "Hey, Manager, you've got to lower this to comply with the ADA regulations", the wheelchair-bound man filed a lawsuit. The new restaurant owner said that he wasn't aware of any violation, the inspectors who'd been out prior to his purchase of the franchise hadn't informed him of any violation, but had he known, he would certainly have spent the 1k or so it would've taken to bring the machine to the correct code specifications. Now he's already up to 19k in debt for lawyers & such.
What's the friggin' point of the lawsuits? IF you're that torqued about the violations, why not give them a chance to fix it?
Evidently there is now a piece of legislation in the works that would allow restaurant (and other business) owners 90 days in which to correct any violations of the ADA regs.
I personally think that's fair. And I've got a kid in a wheelchair.
The lawsuit-happy wheelchair-bound vigilante, however, is violently opposed to that legislation. He'd rather just file suit against them, without ever giving them a chance.
Yeah, especially since you've got 25 lawsuits already filed.
He said, "Hey, I just don't want us to have to wait 30 more years to get our "whites only" signs taken down, so to speak. No other minority would have to put up with this."
Oh, really? Is that what you think? Ever read any history?
Get a grip on reality. If you were doing it for the good of ALL wheelchair bound people, wouldn't you let someone know what they were doing wrong, and give 'em at least a teeny opportunity to actually correct it? After all, city inspectors are supposed to help keep track of that. At least they are here, as when my hotel was being re-built from the ground up they kept a close eye on ADA regs for us.
So why don't you sue them, as well?
Again, I just have to say...What the FUCK?
Seems some large (hehe) body of people is trying to sue McDonalds, saying that their advertising is MISLEADING and McDonalds is responsible for their children's obesity.
I ask...where did the children get the money to BUY McDonald's food products to get obese? Is that the only place that the kids ever eat? Who takes the kids to McDonalds, anyhow? And who exactly is being misled by the advertisements? Is there a subliminal message running through the TV ads that I've somehow missed? Has my subconscious gone on vacation?
WHAT the FUCK?
And in other news...
There's a guy in a wheelchair. He goes around to restaurants and if there is any violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act, he sues the restaurant.
He does not bring the violations to the restaurant's manager or owner, he simply files a lawsuit against them.
My own son is in a wheelchair...but for crap's sake.
There was a guy who had just bought a franchise of Taco Mayo (I think). Seems the help-yourself fountain drink machine was 3 inches too high, in accordince with the ADA. So rather than say, "Hey, Manager, you've got to lower this to comply with the ADA regulations", the wheelchair-bound man filed a lawsuit. The new restaurant owner said that he wasn't aware of any violation, the inspectors who'd been out prior to his purchase of the franchise hadn't informed him of any violation, but had he known, he would certainly have spent the 1k or so it would've taken to bring the machine to the correct code specifications. Now he's already up to 19k in debt for lawyers & such.
What's the friggin' point of the lawsuits? IF you're that torqued about the violations, why not give them a chance to fix it?
Evidently there is now a piece of legislation in the works that would allow restaurant (and other business) owners 90 days in which to correct any violations of the ADA regs.
I personally think that's fair. And I've got a kid in a wheelchair.
The lawsuit-happy wheelchair-bound vigilante, however, is violently opposed to that legislation. He'd rather just file suit against them, without ever giving them a chance.
Yeah, especially since you've got 25 lawsuits already filed.
He said, "Hey, I just don't want us to have to wait 30 more years to get our "whites only" signs taken down, so to speak. No other minority would have to put up with this."
Oh, really? Is that what you think? Ever read any history?
Get a grip on reality. If you were doing it for the good of ALL wheelchair bound people, wouldn't you let someone know what they were doing wrong, and give 'em at least a teeny opportunity to actually correct it? After all, city inspectors are supposed to help keep track of that. At least they are here, as when my hotel was being re-built from the ground up they kept a close eye on ADA regs for us.
So why don't you sue them, as well?
Again, I just have to say...What the FUCK?
Friday, February 04, 2005
Fridays just aren't as much fun as they used to be.
Ever feel like you've just won the Lottery? I do!
The Shirley Jackson-type Lottery, I mean.
It's not so bad, really...after the first 8 or 10 stones they don't hurt so much. But I sure wish I'd've gotten liquored up before the drawing.
I guess now I can't say I never win anything, eh? ;)
*sigh*
So, my kids' birthday is next week~~they'll be 10 years old. Well, a week from this coming Sunday. Where o where has the time gone!
At this time of year I always think about the circumstances of their birth...I won't bore you with the whole long tale...but sometimes when I say they were borth 3 1/2 months early, people just don't comprehend that. Or they think I meant to say WEEKS, not months.
Putting it into perspective a bit...my kids were BORN on February 13. (yes, I had a lovely Valentine's Day in the hospital). They were DUE on June 4th. That's a looooooong stretch. I just remember that every year, and then I thank God for the
miracles that are my kids.
One thing is certain: I am NOT, repeat NOT having another damned ol' birthday party at my house this year.
Last year I had 8 kids plus my two, and it took 5 adults to keep them entertained (and OUT of stuff~like mischief). I did thank my lucky stars that only ONE of the kids was a real brat, y'know, the kind that never ever ever listens? If I'd have been his mom, there were a couple times I'd've yanked him up & swatted his ass.
(yeah, I'm a spanker, so what?)
The kids all had fun, anyway, so I guess the party was a success.
Goodie bags for everyone, they got to pop balloons with their little bottoms to win prizes (took FOREVER to get those little slips of paper in 'em)...we played a cool Fear Factor game in which I made them all eat gummy worms without using their hands, chocolate covered raisins that I told them were chocolate covered boogers, and they had to chase all that with a shake (bananas, apples, raisins, strawberries, grapes and vanilla ice cream) that I told them was rabbit poop and animal guts...
I also had a litter of 10 2-month-old puppies in my backyard that we brought in to have puppy races with.
They loved it, not surprisingly.
But Mommy was well-worn and exhausted by the end of the evening. PLUS we had 4 girls sleeping over.
I think I must've been possessed to allow that to happen.
But it did teach me a valuable lesson, and I will NOT repeat that mistake. Parties should ALWAYS be held ELSEWHERE, especially since their birthday is in FREAKING FEBRUARY and I can't send the little heathens outside.
Poo.
This year...I'll send some cupcakes to school, I think...and allow JUST TWO girls to come sleepover. THAT IS IT. No party. No games (except maybe Twister). No fuss, no muss.
Call me a mean ol' Mommy if you like...I say I just know my limitations.
Speaking of my kids...
Sometimes being a single mother with a disabled kid is very...challenging. I think I'm going to have to start doing some weight-training. My son is only 42 lbs, but DAMN if it isn't getting tough to get the little creep out of the bathtub. He's heavy.
I'm just grateful that he's so small for now.
Now I really MUST go shave my legs, as I think dreadlocks have begun to form. I'm worried that soon I won't be able to get my pants on over them.
The Shirley Jackson-type Lottery, I mean.
It's not so bad, really...after the first 8 or 10 stones they don't hurt so much. But I sure wish I'd've gotten liquored up before the drawing.
I guess now I can't say I never win anything, eh? ;)
*sigh*
So, my kids' birthday is next week~~they'll be 10 years old. Well, a week from this coming Sunday. Where o where has the time gone!
At this time of year I always think about the circumstances of their birth...I won't bore you with the whole long tale...but sometimes when I say they were borth 3 1/2 months early, people just don't comprehend that. Or they think I meant to say WEEKS, not months.
Putting it into perspective a bit...my kids were BORN on February 13. (yes, I had a lovely Valentine's Day in the hospital). They were DUE on June 4th. That's a looooooong stretch. I just remember that every year, and then I thank God for the
miracles that are my kids.
One thing is certain: I am NOT, repeat NOT having another damned ol' birthday party at my house this year.
Last year I had 8 kids plus my two, and it took 5 adults to keep them entertained (and OUT of stuff~like mischief). I did thank my lucky stars that only ONE of the kids was a real brat, y'know, the kind that never ever ever listens? If I'd have been his mom, there were a couple times I'd've yanked him up & swatted his ass.
(yeah, I'm a spanker, so what?)
The kids all had fun, anyway, so I guess the party was a success.
Goodie bags for everyone, they got to pop balloons with their little bottoms to win prizes (took FOREVER to get those little slips of paper in 'em)...we played a cool Fear Factor game in which I made them all eat gummy worms without using their hands, chocolate covered raisins that I told them were chocolate covered boogers, and they had to chase all that with a shake (bananas, apples, raisins, strawberries, grapes and vanilla ice cream) that I told them was rabbit poop and animal guts...
I also had a litter of 10 2-month-old puppies in my backyard that we brought in to have puppy races with.
They loved it, not surprisingly.
But Mommy was well-worn and exhausted by the end of the evening. PLUS we had 4 girls sleeping over.
I think I must've been possessed to allow that to happen.
But it did teach me a valuable lesson, and I will NOT repeat that mistake. Parties should ALWAYS be held ELSEWHERE, especially since their birthday is in FREAKING FEBRUARY and I can't send the little heathens outside.
Poo.
This year...I'll send some cupcakes to school, I think...and allow JUST TWO girls to come sleepover. THAT IS IT. No party. No games (except maybe Twister). No fuss, no muss.
Call me a mean ol' Mommy if you like...I say I just know my limitations.
Speaking of my kids...
Sometimes being a single mother with a disabled kid is very...challenging. I think I'm going to have to start doing some weight-training. My son is only 42 lbs, but DAMN if it isn't getting tough to get the little creep out of the bathtub. He's heavy.
I'm just grateful that he's so small for now.
Now I really MUST go shave my legs, as I think dreadlocks have begun to form. I'm worried that soon I won't be able to get my pants on over them.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
A blog by any other name...
If I don't get my computer back soon, Ima have to change the name to the TWICE WEEKLY BITCH. *sigh*
Quick Question: Okay, so I sort of admire Kirstie Alley for making light of her situation (the weight gain over the last few years)...but REALLY! Why does the media treat her as though she's the only woman to ever get fat, fah crap's sake?!?
I find her whiny voice WAY more annoying than anything else, even when she was thin~ much like Cameron Diaz's voice, which always makes my ears feel as though someone has just scratched their fingernails on a blackboard.
Hell's bells, Jenny Craig should hire me to do commercials...I'll bet I work a lot cheaper.
NOW THEN.
I must offer my apologies to my dearest Janet, as I'm sort of playing Devil's Advocate regarding one of her most loathed pseudo-celebs, Joe Rogan & Fear Factor.
I do understand Janet's general disenchantment with Ol' Joe...but in his defense I simply have to say that despite the fact that he's packed on some poundage of his own since the show's inception, he's managed to learn how to serve up a little 'tude of his own. His snarkiness level is definitely on the rise.
On a recent 'BEST FRIENDS' Fear Factor, he really gave one team of girls a bad time (which they richly deserved), telling them that they were the worst contestants in the history of Fear Factor. Ol' Joe poked fun at them, harangued them, tried to shame them...and they still wouldn't complete the stunt.
They really were bad.
AND on the currently running "COUPLES" Fear Factor, it is nice to see Ol' Joe take shots at the contestants, when they start complaining, or whining. Perhaps he's finally growing a personality.
Now, in theory I agree with Janet about the whole concept of the show. The aspect I personally enjoy is...well, purely motivated by the voyeur in me. And a healthy dose of malicious delight in watching people make utter fools of themselves.
It amuses to me to see exactly what people will do, and put themselves (and sometimes Significant Others!) through for the princely sum of $50k.
Not me, no way, nuh-uh!
NOw for a MILLION bucks...
Hmmmm...
Maybe.
That puts me in mind of that old joke...oh, you know the one:
Guy sits down next to a pretty lady at the bar, buys her a drink, & says, "Would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
She blushes prettily and breathlessly replies, "Why...yes."
The guy comes back with, "Okay, would you go to bed with me for $10?"
Incensed, the lady stands up and says, "Of COURSE not!! What kind of woman do you think I AM!!"
The man replies, "I though we'd already established that, now we're just settling on a price."
Quick Question: Okay, so I sort of admire Kirstie Alley for making light of her situation (the weight gain over the last few years)...but REALLY! Why does the media treat her as though she's the only woman to ever get fat, fah crap's sake?!?
I find her whiny voice WAY more annoying than anything else, even when she was thin~ much like Cameron Diaz's voice, which always makes my ears feel as though someone has just scratched their fingernails on a blackboard.
Hell's bells, Jenny Craig should hire me to do commercials...I'll bet I work a lot cheaper.
NOW THEN.
I must offer my apologies to my dearest Janet, as I'm sort of playing Devil's Advocate regarding one of her most loathed pseudo-celebs, Joe Rogan & Fear Factor.
I do understand Janet's general disenchantment with Ol' Joe...but in his defense I simply have to say that despite the fact that he's packed on some poundage of his own since the show's inception, he's managed to learn how to serve up a little 'tude of his own. His snarkiness level is definitely on the rise.
On a recent 'BEST FRIENDS' Fear Factor, he really gave one team of girls a bad time (which they richly deserved), telling them that they were the worst contestants in the history of Fear Factor. Ol' Joe poked fun at them, harangued them, tried to shame them...and they still wouldn't complete the stunt.
They really were bad.
AND on the currently running "COUPLES" Fear Factor, it is nice to see Ol' Joe take shots at the contestants, when they start complaining, or whining. Perhaps he's finally growing a personality.
Now, in theory I agree with Janet about the whole concept of the show. The aspect I personally enjoy is...well, purely motivated by the voyeur in me. And a healthy dose of malicious delight in watching people make utter fools of themselves.
It amuses to me to see exactly what people will do, and put themselves (and sometimes Significant Others!) through for the princely sum of $50k.
Not me, no way, nuh-uh!
NOw for a MILLION bucks...
Hmmmm...
Maybe.
That puts me in mind of that old joke...oh, you know the one:
Guy sits down next to a pretty lady at the bar, buys her a drink, & says, "Would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
She blushes prettily and breathlessly replies, "Why...yes."
The guy comes back with, "Okay, would you go to bed with me for $10?"
Incensed, the lady stands up and says, "Of COURSE not!! What kind of woman do you think I AM!!"
The man replies, "I though we'd already established that, now we're just settling on a price."
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