Sunday, February 27, 2005

A Tale Re-Told

I find myself completely uninspired today ("TODAY?!" you exclaim incredulously. "What about every other day?") and with a serious case o' the blahs. It's one of those days where I'm exhibiting what I like to call "Deer In The Headlights Syndrome". I suffer from this malady infrequently, thank goodness...but all the things I've been neglecting are so piled up and intimidating that I am frozen in place, unable to begin. Makes me wonder why the hell I stopped taking Zoloft.
*insert heavy sigh*
So to that end, today will be a re-publication. Some of you may have seen it before.
My reasons are two-fold:
1. To accomodate my DITHS
and
B. *snicker* Because I almost have enough material for a VOLUME II of this particular piece, which will be forthcoming in a few days. You may somehow come away with the impression that we don't like people much. You may be right. But just the same, take it all with a grain or two of salt.
Ah, the joys of being a (very) small business owner.

As consumers, many of you may find yourselves offended, and take the other POV. Hey, that's okay with me. Just don't come into our place for lunch. :)

With any luck, VOL. III will rear its head before May. We'll see.
So, on with the show! (My apologies to those of you who have to now sit through this twice)



DINER DIVAS: Tales From Behind The Counter

Okay. Some people don't go to restaurants because they wonder what could happen in the kitchen. And some people don't complain until AFTER they've finished their meal, because they are afraid that the kitchen staff might 'do' something to their food.
Now, I've never served someone a sneezer, but I can't deny that I've been sorely tempted. :) Some of my favorite customers (yes, those are few and far between) I can joke with...sometimes if they're giving me a hard time I'll give a big theatrical sneeze or cough and then yell "EYEEEW, GROSS!! Oh well. Hey, sorry 'bout that (insert name here)". Tho' I must admit that only a select few can take that kind of humor.
Eh, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

ANYWAY, Thursday was slow, so we (my mom, my sister & I) started passing around a pad of paper, each writing a couple of lines about things we really, really detest. REALLY. Some of them may seem petty to you; insignificant really...and they usually are. However, faced with these same trivial demands day in and day out from the same people for several years, they grow to enormous proportions.
So here, in no particular order, is what we wrote:

Lauren (my sister): This is about all of the annoying people who eat at LuLu's. We, the staff, dislike most of our customers.

ME: Especially annoying are the people who order everything on the side. For example, our taco salad is made thusly: tortilla chips, homemade chili, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes. We have one bitc...I mean customer, who orders a 'taco salad, no chips, chili on the side'. *sigh* Sometimes she orders chili nachos with the cheese and the chili on the side. One lady orders it with the lettuce on the side. Why can't they just freaking eat it how we fix it????
And the people who order extra extra everything...but don't want to pay the extra extra price.

Lauren: One time a man wanted us to actually crunch up his tortilla chips for him when we made his taco salad. DUMBASSHOLE!!!! Did he want us to feed it to him, too? But I crunched 'em up all right...oh boy, I demolished them. He hasn't made that request again.

ME: Peoople expect for us to GIVE them the moon. But we are going for more of an 'anti-burger king' theme...we want to REFUSE to do it their way.

MOM: I like most everyone who shows me the money. I don't like the ones that tell me that they will pay me later.

Lauren: Dad used to make everyone laugh by joking around with them. Now he doesn't even care. Once we tried to sell this hell-hole, but mom blew it. (just kiddin, mom)

MOM: People who want to know the contents of their weenies are a pain in the weenie. We don't keep a list of ingredients. Assholes & elbows is what I always want to say. And what difference does it make what brand we use? If you're that concerned, order something else.

Lauren: People who want to know things that are none of their business also suck ass. Like during the summer we don't make veg. beef stew, so we covered it up on our big menu. One lady actually had the nerve to ask, "What do you have covered up there that I can't see?" If we HAD it, it wouldn't be covered up, would it?? Since it IS covered...what difference could it possibly make to you? GGGAAAAAAAAHHHH.
And who in their right mind would make us put CHILI on top of CHICKEN SALAD. Or STEW on top of their SIDE SALAD. That's just nasty.

ME: You know who's really annoying? People who come in and start smacking their hands down hard on our counter. OVER AND OVER AND OVER....Yeah, we see you, asshole. Now we're just ignoring you because you're so stupid.

MOM: People who smile at me with their horsey-faced smiles make me want to puke and I would love to throw their large taco salad with no chips, no lettuce, no cheese and no meat in their horsey-assed faces.
(good one, mom! lol)

Lauren: Clown-faces also scare us. Lady, ever heard of makeup moderation? *shudder* Women who laugh like men are also scary. Huh huh huh huh. But the make-up mask faces and women with trimmed mustaches are especially frightening.

ME: More things we loathe...people who go out of their way to stare back at us in the kitchen (we put up curtains to discourage this, but you'd be amazed at the fools people make of themselves, contorting their heads & necks to try & watch us)...they try to watch our every move...Also we hate the people who come in 5 minutes AFTER closing time & then look hurt when we don't want to fix them any food~~usually everything is put away & washed. After all...we're FUCKING CLOSED.

Lauren: I don't know why this bothers me so much, but the people who eat WAY too much just piss me off. A new one just came in, a lady who wants us to put her chips in a separate container from her sandwich (chips come free w/the sammitch). GOD I HATE PEOPLE. And she is a Petunia Pig bitch. (okay, Lauren, tell us how you REALLY feel! lol)

ME: Things customers should be jailed for: ordering a ham & cheese sandwich with cheese only on HALF the sandwich...mayo on the OTHER half, and tomatoes on the half with no cheese. Keep in mind that these are REGULAR sammiches on regular bread. This ain't freakin' subway, morons.
Also deserving of serious jail time: Rude Guy and Stupid Guy. STupid Guy came in one day, ordered a coke, then sat down in OUR deli and started eating food he bought SOMEWHERE ELSE. OMG!!! Outrageous. I wanted to stick my big sharp knife right in his eye. In fact, EVERYONE who brings food in that they bought somewhere else should be locked up. Seriously. I mean, do you go into McDonald's to get a drink whilst carrying a bucket o' chicken from KFC?)
Rude Guy...yeah, I can thing of some things I'd LOVE to do to his food. We were really busy, the phone was ringing (and that is our very LAST priority when we're busy)...and Lauren was trying to take Rude Guy's money...he propped his elbows on the counter, refused to acknowledge her, and simply stared at the phone.
WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Evidently he thought he should run things at our place. Fucker. Loser. Asswipe.

MOM: One of the most trying persons is the one who wants to "borrow" a fork or a spoon. Are they going to wash it up and return it? Yeah, we REALLY want it back after your nasty mouth has been on it. AND they're usually wanting to 'borrow' it because they got food somewhere else & forgot to get eating utensils. Use your fingers, idiot. Also, when someone orders a drink and the person behind them yells out "Hey, get me a medium coke while you're over there." Then they want to pay for this 75cent item with a $50. And then they leave their empty straw wrapper on the counter, while there is a trash can in plain view, right by the door.

ME: And speaking of unreasonable demands...we have a customer who always requests that we make her salad in the LID of the container, so the cheese gets mixed in. WTF???? Is she too incompetent to turn the box upside down HERSELF? I think we all know the answer to that question...the scary thing is that MOST of these people work in the medical profession. There's NO WAY IN HELL I would go to any of the doctors or nurses in our building. Scary.

MOM: Or how about the lady who plays 'hide the meat'. *GAG*
(yeah, you guys really don't want to know THIS story)

ME: Extremely annoying are the people who order "CHILI CHEESE NACHOS"...and when you say "Okay, chili nachos? anything else?" They say "I want chili CHEEEEESE nachos". Dummies. Nachos without CHEESE are just...chips in a box.

MOM: The lady who talks with food in her mouth...I especially like to see her come in. :(

ME: Another favorite is the person who comes in & says (every bloody day) "Whatcha got that's good?" Ummm, yeah, nothing. That's how we stay in business, by serving a bunch of crap. How stupid ARE you?

MOM: I dislike the people who want me to recommend something to eat. I recommend McDonald's.

ME: And let us not forget the woman who wanted a hotdog on a BUN, but we were out of buns, it was the end of the day...but she couldn't eat the weenie on white bread because "white bread binds her up". OMG. *sigh* AND the lady who finds it necessary to smoke right in front of our door so that the other customers have to walk right through her big cloud of smoke. Oh yeah, Dad sometimes does that too. *coff coff*

MOM: And when I say we don't ahve something, and someone says "Are you sure?" Gee, no, I'll just check in the back.

ME: Fun are the ones who, when we're out of something, say, "Well, you just need to make more next time." Yeah, like we've never heard THAT before. And you NEED to shut the hell up. Oh, aand I dearly love the ones who interpret "How are you today?" as "Please tell me your whole life story. Really. Every little teeny detail."

MOM: The lady in the wheelchair always leaves a lasting impression...especially when she runs over people's feet and knocks them over. And without fail spills either her drink or her chips all over the place. And then has to borrow our phone 4 or 5 times to call a cab. And asks us EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE COMES in if we have cappucino. Once she asked us that 3 times in the same day.

ME: One of our favorites we call the Horse Whisperer. He tries to talk to us in a very low soft voice, somehow expecting to be heard over the clanking of the ice machine, the loud humming of the refrigerators, and the radio. And is not deterred when we have to say "WHAT??" over & over. Every time. We ARE becoming excellent lip-readers.

ME: I wonder if people REALLY think they can hurt our feelings? Like when they come in and want lunch at 9:45 am (we don't start serving lunch until 11am)...and when we say we don't have lunch stuff prepared yet, they say "Well, I guess you've pushed me to have to go somewhere else." Our reaction? GOOD. Don't come back.

MOM: "Is there something wrong with your phone? I've been trying to call for 2 hours!" Yeah, it's off the hook for EXACTLY that reason! We don't have the time when you want to call in the middle of the lunch rush to order your $1.50 small salad & an ice. Walk your fat lazy ass down the flight of stairs (hell, take the elevator!) and stand in line like everyone else, instead of wasting 2 hours on the phone. Don't you have WORK to do??
Oh, and don't forget to stick your finger in the chili and yell out "this is COLD!" in a room full of customers...when you had ordered it to be ready at 12:00, but didn't bother to show up to pick it up until 12:40. Bitch.

ME: We must include the people who order several things...one at a time. Large coke? Okay. And when you hand it to them..."Oh, and a bagel with cream cheese" (these take awhile to toast) When you hand them THAT, then..."I'd better go ahead & get some toast & jelly for so & so". Fixed that..."and a small ice, I forgot"...10 minutes and 6 items later...Anything else? "Yeah, I need some chips. And gum."

MOM: NAPKIN STEALERS!! They come in and spend 50cents for a small coke...and take about 30 napkins. THAT'LL BE $1.00 EXTRA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And the ones who take about 2lbs worth of pepper packets, and empty our bin of them EVERY DAY.

ME: Yeah, we don't really care that you won't be ordering chili or a ham sandwich today because of your religion. Order a damn salad & save your explanation for someone who gives a shit.

Lauren: I hate people who get something they don't order...OUR mistake...but don't even bother to bring it back. When they're in the same building. But then call the next day to say they didn't eat it.
OH WELL. You're NOT getting your money back. Dumbass.

ME: And one final thing for today...if you walk OUT the door and drop your soda/sour cream/sandwich/ranch dressing/whatever...WHEN DID IT BECOME OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO REPLACE IT FREE OF CHARGE? Why do you look at us with those hurt and soulful eyes when we tell you the price of replacement? For crap's sake, people.



Okay, those are the high (low?)lights...we started making a list of people we REALLY dislike but it grew so large that we ran out of paper...so we decided to make a list of the regulars that we DO like. I think there're less than 10 names on there.

So I guess if you ever come to eat at our place...you'll probably change your mind before you come in. :D And if any of my fellow Okies have been in and think any of this points to you...of course not! It was somebody else. For real. Truly.
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