...aka my bedroom.
I wanted to add this entry earlier, but the feeling has only just now returned to my fingers.
THE TIME: 10:13am
THE DATE: Friday, Dec 31
THE MISSION: Get dressed & go to the grocery store (They do tend to rather strictly enforce that 'no clothes, no service' rule)
Seemed a simple enough task. I was flippant enough to LAUGH at its simplicity. C'mon, give me a real mission, why doncha?
Socks-check. Underwear-check. Grubby t-shirt-check. Jeans-ch...OH CHIT.
That's where the trouble began. I slid my jeans up, no worries. I reached for the button...sucked in my tum-tum, struggled a moment, but got the button buttoned.
THEN CAME THE ZIPPER. O dear Lord. I couldn't zip my pants. There was this strange bulge of (could it be fat?!) something in the way. I looked around for help..but unfortunately I was the only one in the room. Figures.
What's a girl to do?
Luckily I can think on my feet, so I fell back on the time-honored pants-zipping method used by teenage girls everywhere (if you remember back that far, when we actually wanted our jeans to fit like a second skin)...and lay myself down on the bed.
Five minutes and a bruised finger later, I triumphed over the evil zipper.
"AHA! VICTORY IS MINE!" I wanted to shout, but I couldn't draw breath enough to even wheeze it out.
As I lay there panting, I tried to figure out what had happened. Obviously, my jeans had shrunk in the wash, or something.
SURELY it couldn't have anything to do with the 47lbs. of fudge I've consumed over the past week or so, nor with the 23 Reese's Peanut butter trees, endless bags of M&Ms, two boxes of cordial cherries, cookies of every kind, or the entire box of Ferrero Rocher truffles.
SURELY not. Everyone knows that holiday calories don't even count~those are burned up in ADVANCE, what with the shopping and the wrapping and the decorating. It's a proven fact. Well, I THINK I read that somewhere, anyhow.
Then I had to stop wondering about it, because little black dots appeared before my eyes from the lack of oxygen. My fingers were going numb, and I couldn't feel my toes.
I HAD to get up from the bed. I flailed my arms & legs about, looking somewhat (at least in my imagination) like a turtle who'd gotten turned on it's shell.
I couldn't get up.
I started to hyperventilate, and of course there were no convenient paper bags lying around. OH if I could only make it to the kitchen!
I decided to roll back & forth to build up some momentum. Eventually, just when I though I would faint, something (I think it was the ghost who lives in my house, but that's another story for another day) gave me enough of a nudge that I rolled off the bed and onto the floor. Luckily I landed on my hands & knees so that I could push myself up to my feet.
Unfortunately, I still couldn't breathe. Nor really walk. And to make matters worse, NOW I couldn't even reach the button of my jeans, as a huge roll of that same substance that inhibited my zipper was now hanging over the waistband of my jeans and covering the button.
*sigh* Back to the bed.
Luckily the jeans decided to cooperate during the UNbuttoning and UNzipping phase of this operation...and I reached into the closet for a pair of sweatpants.
AH, SWEET BREATH O' LIFE.
I had to come up with a plan, and fast. I mean really, a girl can't wear sweatpants every day, can she? It's just a sad thing this happened today of all days...as by law I can't start a new diet until tomorrow. The FIRST of January. That's when all New Year's Resolutions are allowed to take place, and not a minute before!
So, my dearest darling readers, I am depending upon you to help me keep on the straight and narrow, slap my hand when it should reach for a potato chip or a bit of chocolate. It is now YOUR responsibility, and you must step up to the plate. Don't let me down, now.
Starting tomorrow.
First thing after brunch. Or dinner. Yeah, that's probably better. In fact, we should probably just wait until the SECOND of January, just to avoid any conflict with the 'GOOD LUCK' stuff you're supposed to eat on the first day of the year. Some of my 'GOOD LUCK' foods include cake and ice cream. So yeah, the SECOND. That'll work.
The good news is, I burned my pizza whilst I was stuck on the bed. So now I'll have to eat something else. Maybe I'll find a nice, healthy bag o' popcorn in the cabinet. Now make yourself useful and hand me the butter.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Yawners, and then some
Sometimes, when I begin to feel that my little corner of the Internet here is, well, boring, to say the least...I just hop on to BlogExplosion! Don't get me wrong-I love BE. I love the feeling of finding a gem hidden away in the giant pile of...dung.
I've discovered that no matter how boring or uninteresting I think me own blog is, there is always a blog out there with something less interesting to say.
Totally sports blogs.
Political ravings.
Cooking & recipes (I'm no slouch in the kitchen, but really)
Knitting (no clue how to do it, no interest in reading about it)
Crocheting & other needlework (I can do these, but again...I don't want to read about it)
The ever-angsty teenagers (that was so long ago for me)
The malcontents who just hate everything and everyone (oh wait, some days that category includes me)
And of course we musn't forget the "I ordered take out last night, watched some TV, and chilled" blogs.
Not to say that they aren't special in their own way...just not interesting in my way. Make no mistake~~I'm speaking ONLY for meself here.
So THANK YOU, O YAWNERS!
And a big SHOUT OUT to all of you (and you know who you are! *wink wink*) who dawdled here for at least a whole minute, doubling the obligatory 30 second pitstop. I, and my blog, thank you.
Makes me feel like I might be halfway interesting, after all.
I've discovered that no matter how boring or uninteresting I think me own blog is, there is always a blog out there with something less interesting to say.
Totally sports blogs.
Political ravings.
Cooking & recipes (I'm no slouch in the kitchen, but really)
Knitting (no clue how to do it, no interest in reading about it)
Crocheting & other needlework (I can do these, but again...I don't want to read about it)
The ever-angsty teenagers (that was so long ago for me)
The malcontents who just hate everything and everyone (oh wait, some days that category includes me)
And of course we musn't forget the "I ordered take out last night, watched some TV, and chilled" blogs.
Not to say that they aren't special in their own way...just not interesting in my way. Make no mistake~~I'm speaking ONLY for meself here.
So THANK YOU, O YAWNERS!
And a big SHOUT OUT to all of you (and you know who you are! *wink wink*) who dawdled here for at least a whole minute, doubling the obligatory 30 second pitstop. I, and my blog, thank you.
Makes me feel like I might be halfway interesting, after all.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Diner Divas~~tales from behind the counter
**Background: my family opened a small restaurant a few years ago, and in the essence of being a better mom (ie: being able to actually spend time with my kids), I left a lucrative career as a hotel GM to go work with my family. *sigh*
Anyhow, I was reading some archives from my LiveJournal and ran across this one. It's one of my favorites. Enjoy.
Nov. 20, 2004
Okay. Some people don't go to restaurants because they wonder what could happen in the kitchen. And some people don't complain until AFTER they've finished their meal, because they are afraid that the kitchen staff might 'do' something to their food.
Now, I've never served someone a sneezer, but I can't deny that I've been sorely tempted. :) Some of my favorite customers (yes, those are few and far between) I can tease...sometimes if they're giving me a hard time I'll give a big theatrical sneeze or cough and then yell "EYEEEW, GROSS!! Oh well. Hey, sorry 'bout that (insert name here)". Tho' I must admit that only a select few can take that kind of humor.
Eh, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
ANYWAY, Thursday was slow, so we (my mom, my sister & I) started passing around a pad of paper, each writing a couple of lines about things we really, really detest. REALLY. Did I say really? Some of them may seem petty to you; insignificant really...and they usually are. However, faced with these same trivial demands day in and day out from the same people for several years, they grow to enormous proportions.
So here, in no particular order, is what we wrote:
Lauren (my sister): This is about all of the annoying people who eat at LuLu's. We, the staff, dislike most of our customers.
ME: Especially annoying are the people who order everything on the side. For example, our taco salad is made thusly: tortilla chips, homemade chili, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes. We have one bitc...I mean customer, who orders a 'taco salad, no chips, chili on the side'. *sigh* Sometimes she orders chili nachos with the cheese and the chili on the side. One lady orders it with the lettuce on the side. Why can't they just freaking eat it how we fix it????
And the people who order extra extra everything...but don't want to pay the extra extra price.
Lauren: One time a man wanted us to actually crunch up his tortilla chips for him when we made his taco salad. DUMBASSHOLE!!!! Did he want us to feed it to him, too? But I crunched 'em up all right...oh boy, I demolished them. He hasn't made that request again.
ME: Peoople expect for us to GIVE them the moon. But we are going for more of an 'anti-burger king' theme...we want to REFUSE to do it their way.
MOM: I like most everyone who shows me the money. I don't like the ones that tell me that they will pay me later.
Lauren: Dad used to make everyone laugh by joking around with them. Now he doesn't even care. Once we tried to sell this hell-hole, but mom blew it. (just kiddin, mom)
MOM: People who want to know the contents of their weenies are a pain in the weenie. We don't keep a list of ingredients. Assholes & elbows is what I always want to say. And what difference does it make what brand we use? If you're that concerned, order something else.
Lauren: People who want to know things that are none of their business also suck ass. Like during the summer we don't make veg. beef stew, so we covered it up on our big menu. One lady actually had the nerve to ask, "What do you have covered up there that I can't see?" If we HAD it, it wouldn't be covered up, would it?? Since it IS covered...what difference could it possibly make to you? GGGAAAAAAAAHHHH.
And who in their right mind would make us put CHILI on top of CHICKEN SALAD. Or STEW on top of their SIDE SALAD. That's just nasty.
ME: You know who's really annoying? People who come in and start smacking their hands down hard on our counter. OVER AND OVER AND OVER....Yeah, we see you, asshole. Now we're just ignoring you because you're so stupid.
MOM: People who smile at me with their horsey-faced smiles make me want to puke and I would love to throw their large taco salad with no chips, no lettuce, no cheese and no meat in their horsey-assed faces.
(good one, mom! lol)
Lauren: Clown-faces also scare us. Lady, ever heard of makeup moderation? *shudder* Women who laugh like men are also scary. Huh huh huh huh. But the make-up mask faces and women with trimmed mustaches are especially frightening.
ME: More things we loathe...people who go out of their way to stare back at us in the kitchen (we put up curtains to discourage this, but you'd be amazed at the fools people make of themselves, contorting their heads & necks to try & watch us)...they try to watch our every move...Also we hate the people who come in 5 minutes AFTER closing time & then look hurt when we don't want to fix them any food~~usually everything is put away & washed. After all...we're FUCKING CLOSED.
Lauren: I don't know why this bothers me so much, but the people who eat WAY too much just piss me off. A new one just came in, a lady who wants us to put her chips in a separate container from her sandwich (chips come free w/the sammitch). GOD I HATE PEOPLE. And she is a Petunia Pig bitch. (okay, Lauren, tell us how you REALLY feel! lol)
ME: Things customers should be jailed for: ordering a ham & cheese sandwich with cheese only on HALF the sandwich...mayo on the OTHER half, and tomatoes on the half with no cheese. Keep in mind that these are REGULAR sammiches on regular bread. This ain't freakin' subway, morons.
Also deserving of serious jail time: Rude Guy and Stupid Guy. STupid Guy came in one day, ordered a coke, then sat down in OUR deli and started eating food he bought SOMEWHERE ELSE. OMG!!! Outrageous. I wanted to stick my big sharp knife right in his eye. In fact, EVERYONE who brings food in that they bought somewhere else should be locked up. Seriously. I mean, do you go into McDonald's to get a drink whilst carrying a bucket o' chicken from KFC?
Rude Guy...yeah, I can thing of some things I'd LOVE to do to his food. We were really busy, the phone was ringing (and that is our very LAST priority when we're busy)...and Lauren was trying to take Rude Guy's money...he propped his elbows on the counter, refused to acknowledge her, and simply stared at the phone.
WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Evidently he thought he should run things at our place. Fucker. Loser. Asswipe.
MOM: One of the most trying persons is the one who wants to "borrow" a fork or a spoon. Are they going to wash it up and return it? Yeah, we REALLY want it back after your nasty mouth has been on it. AND they're usually wanting to 'borrow' it because they got food somewhere else & forgot to get eating utensils. Use your fingers, idiot. Also, when someone orders a drink and the person behind them yells out "Hey, get me a medium coke while you're over there." Then they want to pay for this 75cent item with a $50. And then they leave their empty straw wrapper on the counter, while there is a trash can in plain view, right by the door.
ME: And speaking of unreasonable demands...we have a customer who always requests that we make her salad in the LID of the container, so the cheese gets mixed in. WTF???? Is she too incompetent to turn the box upside down HERSELF? I think we all know the answer to that question...the scary thing is that MOST of these people work in the medical profession. There's NO WAY IN HELL I would go to any of the doctors or nurses in our building. Scary.
MOM: Or how about the lady who plays 'hide the meat'. *GAG*
(yeah, you guys really don't want to know THIS story)
ME: Extremely annoying are the people who order "CHILI CHEESE NACHOS"...and when you say "Okay, chili nachos? anything else?" They say "I want chili CHEEEEESE nachos". Dummies. Nachos without CHEESE are just...chips in a box.
MOM: The lady who talks with food in her mouth...I especially like to see her come in. :(
ME: Another favorite is the person who comes in & says (every bloody day) "Whatcha got that's good?" Ummm, yeah, nothing. That's how we stay in business, by serving a bunch of crap. How stupid ARE you?
MOM: I dislike the people who want me to recommend something to eat. I recommend McDonald's.
(ooh, nice one mom!)
ME: And let us not forget the woman who wanted a hotdog on a BUN, but we were out of buns, it was the end of the day...but she couldn't eat the weenie on white bread because "white bread binds her up". OMG. *sigh* AND the lady who finds it necessary to smoke right in front of our door so that the other customers have to walk right through her big cloud of smoke. Oh yeah, Dad sometimes does that too. *coff coff*
MOM: And when I say we don't have something, and someone says "Are you sure?" Gee, no, I'll just check in the back.
ME: Fun are the ones who, when we're out of something, say, "Well, you just need to make more next time." Yeah, like we've never heard THAT before. And you NEED to shut the hell up. Oh, aand I dearly love the ones who interpret "How are you today?" as "Please tell me your whole life story. Really. Every little teeny detail."
MOM: The lady in the wheelchair always leaves a lasting impression...especially when she runs over people's feet and knocks them over. And without fail spills either her drink or her chips all over the place. And then has to borrow our phone 4 or 5 times to call a cab. And asks us EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE COMES in if we have cappucino. Once she asked us that 3 times in the same day.
ME: One of our favorites we call the Horse Whisperer. He tries to talk to us in a very low soft voice, somehow expecting to be heard over the clanking of the ice machine, the loud humming of the refrigerators and coolers, and the radio. And is not deterred when we have to say "WHAT??" over & over. Every time. We ARE becoming excellent lip-readers.
MOM: Oh yeah, he's the one who always asks Lauren (a non-math person) about his college math courses (and he's 15 years older than she is). We just smile and nod a lot. To everyone.
ME: I wonder if people REALLY think they can hurt our feelings? Like when they come in and want lunch at 9:45 am (we don't start serving lunch until 11am)...and when we say we don't have lunch stuff prepared yet, they say "Well, I guess you've pushed me to have to go somewhere else." Our reaction? GOOD. Don't come back.
MOM: "Is there something wrong with your phone? I've been trying to call for 2 hours!" Yeah, it's off the hook for EXACTLY that reason! We don't have the time when you want to call in the middle of the lunch rush to order your $1.50 small salad & a small cup of ice. Walk your fat lazy ass down the flight of stairs (hell, take the elevator!) and stand in line like everyone else, instead of wasting 2 hours on the phone. Don't you have WORK to do??
Oh, and don't forget to stick your finger in the chili and yell out "this is COLD!" in a room full of customers...when you had ordered it to be ready at 12:00, but didn't bother to show up to pick it up until 12:40. Bitch.
ME: We must include the people who order several things...one at a time. Large coke? Okay. And when you hand it to them..."Oh, and a bagel with cream cheese" (these take awhile to toast). When you hand them THAT, then..."I'd better go ahead & get some toast & jelly for so & so". Fixed that..."and a small ice, I forgot"...10 minutes and 6 items later...Anything else? "Yeah, I need some chips. And gum."
MOM: NAPKIN STEALERS!! They come in and spend 50cents for a small coke...and take about 30 napkins. THAT'LL BE $1.00 EXTRA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And the ones who take about 2lbs worth of pepper packets, and empty our bin of them EVERY DAY.
ME: Yeah, we don't really care that you won't be ordering chili or a ham sandwich today because of your religion. Order a damn salad & save your explanation for someone who gives a shit.
Lauren: I hate people who get something they don't order...OUR mistake...but don't even bother to bring it back. When they're in the same building. But then call the next day to say they didn't eat it.
OH WELL. You're NOT getting your money back now. Dumbass.
Gee, does it sound like we really don't like people? It does? Good, then I got the tone just right. :D
The first year was okay....but after that it's all downhill.
Okay, those are the high (low?)lights...we started making a list of people we REALLY dislike but it grew so large that we ran out of paper...so we decided to make a list of the regulars that we DO like. I think there's less than 10 names on there.
Owning your own business isn't all it's cracked up to be sometimes. LOL
So I guess if you ever want to come & eat at our place...you might want to rethink that decision.
Anyhow, I was reading some archives from my LiveJournal and ran across this one. It's one of my favorites. Enjoy.
Nov. 20, 2004
Okay. Some people don't go to restaurants because they wonder what could happen in the kitchen. And some people don't complain until AFTER they've finished their meal, because they are afraid that the kitchen staff might 'do' something to their food.
Now, I've never served someone a sneezer, but I can't deny that I've been sorely tempted. :) Some of my favorite customers (yes, those are few and far between) I can tease...sometimes if they're giving me a hard time I'll give a big theatrical sneeze or cough and then yell "EYEEEW, GROSS!! Oh well. Hey, sorry 'bout that (insert name here)". Tho' I must admit that only a select few can take that kind of humor.
Eh, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
ANYWAY, Thursday was slow, so we (my mom, my sister & I) started passing around a pad of paper, each writing a couple of lines about things we really, really detest. REALLY. Did I say really? Some of them may seem petty to you; insignificant really...and they usually are. However, faced with these same trivial demands day in and day out from the same people for several years, they grow to enormous proportions.
So here, in no particular order, is what we wrote:
Lauren (my sister): This is about all of the annoying people who eat at LuLu's. We, the staff, dislike most of our customers.
ME: Especially annoying are the people who order everything on the side. For example, our taco salad is made thusly: tortilla chips, homemade chili, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes. We have one bitc...I mean customer, who orders a 'taco salad, no chips, chili on the side'. *sigh* Sometimes she orders chili nachos with the cheese and the chili on the side. One lady orders it with the lettuce on the side. Why can't they just freaking eat it how we fix it????
And the people who order extra extra everything...but don't want to pay the extra extra price.
Lauren: One time a man wanted us to actually crunch up his tortilla chips for him when we made his taco salad. DUMBASSHOLE!!!! Did he want us to feed it to him, too? But I crunched 'em up all right...oh boy, I demolished them. He hasn't made that request again.
ME: Peoople expect for us to GIVE them the moon. But we are going for more of an 'anti-burger king' theme...we want to REFUSE to do it their way.
MOM: I like most everyone who shows me the money. I don't like the ones that tell me that they will pay me later.
Lauren: Dad used to make everyone laugh by joking around with them. Now he doesn't even care. Once we tried to sell this hell-hole, but mom blew it. (just kiddin, mom)
MOM: People who want to know the contents of their weenies are a pain in the weenie. We don't keep a list of ingredients. Assholes & elbows is what I always want to say. And what difference does it make what brand we use? If you're that concerned, order something else.
Lauren: People who want to know things that are none of their business also suck ass. Like during the summer we don't make veg. beef stew, so we covered it up on our big menu. One lady actually had the nerve to ask, "What do you have covered up there that I can't see?" If we HAD it, it wouldn't be covered up, would it?? Since it IS covered...what difference could it possibly make to you? GGGAAAAAAAAHHHH.
And who in their right mind would make us put CHILI on top of CHICKEN SALAD. Or STEW on top of their SIDE SALAD. That's just nasty.
ME: You know who's really annoying? People who come in and start smacking their hands down hard on our counter. OVER AND OVER AND OVER....Yeah, we see you, asshole. Now we're just ignoring you because you're so stupid.
MOM: People who smile at me with their horsey-faced smiles make me want to puke and I would love to throw their large taco salad with no chips, no lettuce, no cheese and no meat in their horsey-assed faces.
(good one, mom! lol)
Lauren: Clown-faces also scare us. Lady, ever heard of makeup moderation? *shudder* Women who laugh like men are also scary. Huh huh huh huh. But the make-up mask faces and women with trimmed mustaches are especially frightening.
ME: More things we loathe...people who go out of their way to stare back at us in the kitchen (we put up curtains to discourage this, but you'd be amazed at the fools people make of themselves, contorting their heads & necks to try & watch us)...they try to watch our every move...Also we hate the people who come in 5 minutes AFTER closing time & then look hurt when we don't want to fix them any food~~usually everything is put away & washed. After all...we're FUCKING CLOSED.
Lauren: I don't know why this bothers me so much, but the people who eat WAY too much just piss me off. A new one just came in, a lady who wants us to put her chips in a separate container from her sandwich (chips come free w/the sammitch). GOD I HATE PEOPLE. And she is a Petunia Pig bitch. (okay, Lauren, tell us how you REALLY feel! lol)
ME: Things customers should be jailed for: ordering a ham & cheese sandwich with cheese only on HALF the sandwich...mayo on the OTHER half, and tomatoes on the half with no cheese. Keep in mind that these are REGULAR sammiches on regular bread. This ain't freakin' subway, morons.
Also deserving of serious jail time: Rude Guy and Stupid Guy. STupid Guy came in one day, ordered a coke, then sat down in OUR deli and started eating food he bought SOMEWHERE ELSE. OMG!!! Outrageous. I wanted to stick my big sharp knife right in his eye. In fact, EVERYONE who brings food in that they bought somewhere else should be locked up. Seriously. I mean, do you go into McDonald's to get a drink whilst carrying a bucket o' chicken from KFC?
Rude Guy...yeah, I can thing of some things I'd LOVE to do to his food. We were really busy, the phone was ringing (and that is our very LAST priority when we're busy)...and Lauren was trying to take Rude Guy's money...he propped his elbows on the counter, refused to acknowledge her, and simply stared at the phone.
WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Evidently he thought he should run things at our place. Fucker. Loser. Asswipe.
MOM: One of the most trying persons is the one who wants to "borrow" a fork or a spoon. Are they going to wash it up and return it? Yeah, we REALLY want it back after your nasty mouth has been on it. AND they're usually wanting to 'borrow' it because they got food somewhere else & forgot to get eating utensils. Use your fingers, idiot. Also, when someone orders a drink and the person behind them yells out "Hey, get me a medium coke while you're over there." Then they want to pay for this 75cent item with a $50. And then they leave their empty straw wrapper on the counter, while there is a trash can in plain view, right by the door.
ME: And speaking of unreasonable demands...we have a customer who always requests that we make her salad in the LID of the container, so the cheese gets mixed in. WTF???? Is she too incompetent to turn the box upside down HERSELF? I think we all know the answer to that question...the scary thing is that MOST of these people work in the medical profession. There's NO WAY IN HELL I would go to any of the doctors or nurses in our building. Scary.
MOM: Or how about the lady who plays 'hide the meat'. *GAG*
(yeah, you guys really don't want to know THIS story)
ME: Extremely annoying are the people who order "CHILI CHEESE NACHOS"...and when you say "Okay, chili nachos? anything else?" They say "I want chili CHEEEEESE nachos". Dummies. Nachos without CHEESE are just...chips in a box.
MOM: The lady who talks with food in her mouth...I especially like to see her come in. :(
ME: Another favorite is the person who comes in & says (every bloody day) "Whatcha got that's good?" Ummm, yeah, nothing. That's how we stay in business, by serving a bunch of crap. How stupid ARE you?
MOM: I dislike the people who want me to recommend something to eat. I recommend McDonald's.
(ooh, nice one mom!)
ME: And let us not forget the woman who wanted a hotdog on a BUN, but we were out of buns, it was the end of the day...but she couldn't eat the weenie on white bread because "white bread binds her up". OMG. *sigh* AND the lady who finds it necessary to smoke right in front of our door so that the other customers have to walk right through her big cloud of smoke. Oh yeah, Dad sometimes does that too. *coff coff*
MOM: And when I say we don't have something, and someone says "Are you sure?" Gee, no, I'll just check in the back.
ME: Fun are the ones who, when we're out of something, say, "Well, you just need to make more next time." Yeah, like we've never heard THAT before. And you NEED to shut the hell up. Oh, aand I dearly love the ones who interpret "How are you today?" as "Please tell me your whole life story. Really. Every little teeny detail."
MOM: The lady in the wheelchair always leaves a lasting impression...especially when she runs over people's feet and knocks them over. And without fail spills either her drink or her chips all over the place. And then has to borrow our phone 4 or 5 times to call a cab. And asks us EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE COMES in if we have cappucino. Once she asked us that 3 times in the same day.
ME: One of our favorites we call the Horse Whisperer. He tries to talk to us in a very low soft voice, somehow expecting to be heard over the clanking of the ice machine, the loud humming of the refrigerators and coolers, and the radio. And is not deterred when we have to say "WHAT??" over & over. Every time. We ARE becoming excellent lip-readers.
MOM: Oh yeah, he's the one who always asks Lauren (a non-math person) about his college math courses (and he's 15 years older than she is). We just smile and nod a lot. To everyone.
ME: I wonder if people REALLY think they can hurt our feelings? Like when they come in and want lunch at 9:45 am (we don't start serving lunch until 11am)...and when we say we don't have lunch stuff prepared yet, they say "Well, I guess you've pushed me to have to go somewhere else." Our reaction? GOOD. Don't come back.
MOM: "Is there something wrong with your phone? I've been trying to call for 2 hours!" Yeah, it's off the hook for EXACTLY that reason! We don't have the time when you want to call in the middle of the lunch rush to order your $1.50 small salad & a small cup of ice. Walk your fat lazy ass down the flight of stairs (hell, take the elevator!) and stand in line like everyone else, instead of wasting 2 hours on the phone. Don't you have WORK to do??
Oh, and don't forget to stick your finger in the chili and yell out "this is COLD!" in a room full of customers...when you had ordered it to be ready at 12:00, but didn't bother to show up to pick it up until 12:40. Bitch.
ME: We must include the people who order several things...one at a time. Large coke? Okay. And when you hand it to them..."Oh, and a bagel with cream cheese" (these take awhile to toast). When you hand them THAT, then..."I'd better go ahead & get some toast & jelly for so & so". Fixed that..."and a small ice, I forgot"...10 minutes and 6 items later...Anything else? "Yeah, I need some chips. And gum."
MOM: NAPKIN STEALERS!! They come in and spend 50cents for a small coke...and take about 30 napkins. THAT'LL BE $1.00 EXTRA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! And the ones who take about 2lbs worth of pepper packets, and empty our bin of them EVERY DAY.
ME: Yeah, we don't really care that you won't be ordering chili or a ham sandwich today because of your religion. Order a damn salad & save your explanation for someone who gives a shit.
Lauren: I hate people who get something they don't order...OUR mistake...but don't even bother to bring it back. When they're in the same building. But then call the next day to say they didn't eat it.
OH WELL. You're NOT getting your money back now. Dumbass.
Gee, does it sound like we really don't like people? It does? Good, then I got the tone just right. :D
The first year was okay....but after that it's all downhill.
Okay, those are the high (low?)lights...we started making a list of people we REALLY dislike but it grew so large that we ran out of paper...so we decided to make a list of the regulars that we DO like. I think there's less than 10 names on there.
Owning your own business isn't all it's cracked up to be sometimes. LOL
So I guess if you ever want to come & eat at our place...you might want to rethink that decision.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
I'm not one to brag...okay, so that's a lie.
Thanks to Michele and her wonderful questions :D, I decided to put up a picture of my puppies here instead of using up her blog comment space. XD
These are my sweeties. Oh, I mean my doggie sweeties, not my kids. Wanna know the funny thing? All three are from the same litter. The father of these pups is part wolf, part American Eskimo, and the mother is part malamute, part husky. This is the result of their procreation.
The blonde one is Forrest Gump (he's a bit slow)...and if you're wondering about his eyes-one is brown with a fleck of blue in the corner and one is blue. Reno, the middle doggie, is my only girl. She's got a brown eye & a blue eye too (the mother has blue eyes, the father has gold). Roly-Poly, on the right, has green eyes & an outrageous amount of fur.
Aren't they cute?!
Fun Factoid: Men withOUT hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men WITH hair. Hmmm, I wonder what's the correlation?
These are my sweeties. Oh, I mean my doggie sweeties, not my kids. Wanna know the funny thing? All three are from the same litter. The father of these pups is part wolf, part American Eskimo, and the mother is part malamute, part husky. This is the result of their procreation.
The blonde one is Forrest Gump (he's a bit slow)...and if you're wondering about his eyes-one is brown with a fleck of blue in the corner and one is blue. Reno, the middle doggie, is my only girl. She's got a brown eye & a blue eye too (the mother has blue eyes, the father has gold). Roly-Poly, on the right, has green eyes & an outrageous amount of fur.
Aren't they cute?!
Fun Factoid: Men withOUT hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men WITH hair. Hmmm, I wonder what's the correlation?
My 3 cents worth (inflation, doncha know!)
Hey, as I was typing that title, a thought occurred to me: Why is it that when someone asks what you're thinking, your thoughts are worth only a penny...but when you want to offer your thoughts without being asked, they're worth 2 cents? Hm. Have to think on that.
ANYWAY. Those of you who really know me, know that I'm not really all that political. I don't lean toward any particular discipline...I have my own opinions which are sort of a conglomeration of different things from each 'party' (tho' why they're called "parties" I'll never know...I can't think of anything less jolly and fun than politics!). And while 'blogsurfing' I run across so very many political blogs...leftwingrightwingdemocratconservativeliberalrepublicanindepentents are everywhere you look, ad infinitum. Ad nauseum. And some of them are...well, the word rabid springs to mind...in their views. And O WOE be to the unlucky soul who dares give voice to a dissenting opinion! They are publicly flogged, flayed, clapped in irons, set into the stocks, and frequently even drawn and quartered. Frightening, really.
In my opinion, they've all got strong points and weak (sometimes ridiculous and nonsensical) points. I take what I like from each of 'em & move right along. :)
So when I came across this article whilst reading the newspaper this morning, it made good sense to me. I thought I'd share parts of it with those who might be open-minded enough to care.
(not to worry, boys & girls, this will most likely be my first & last political-type post. It's a little long, so sit back, freshen yer drink, and smoke 'em if you got 'em.)
FROM THE DAILY OKLAHOMAN, article by Leonard Pitts Jr:
A question for my Republican friends: Would you still love George W. if he were Bill Clinton? If it were Clinton who had invaded Iraq based on erroneous intelligence, Clinton whose decisions had lead to the deaths of so many troops, would you be foursquare behind him the way you are Bush?
And for my Democratic friends: Would you have felt the same about Clinton had he been Bush? Had it been Bush who had an affair, Bush who looked the nation in the eye & lied about it, would you have been so willing to forgive?
In other words, are you guilty of double standards and outright bias?
I'll save you the trouble: Yes. For most of us, we are perfectly willing to ignore any fact that contradicts what we believe.
Maybe you already knew this intuitively. Now you can know it to a scientific certainty.
Drew Westen (professor of psychology at Emory University) is the author of a new & still-unpublished study testing whether people make decisions based on fact or bias. Bias won hands down.
In a key scenario, respondents were led to believe a soldier was accused of torturing people at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. The fictional soldier claimed to have been following orders from superiors who told him the Geneva Convention had been suspended. He supposedly wanted to subpoena Bush and Rumsfeld to prove his case. Respondents were asked if he should have that right.
Some were presented with strong "evidence" corroborating the soldier's story. Others had only the soldier's word to go on.
But the strenght or weakness of the evidence turned out to be immaterial. Researchers were able to predict people's opinion over 80% of the time based simply on their opinions of the Bush administration, the GOP, the military & human rights groups. Those who had less affection for the president sided with the 'soldier' even when the evidence was weak. And fans of the president tended to side with him even when the evidence was overwhelming.
We believe what we want, facts be damned.
"The scary thing," says Westen, "is the extent to which you can imagine this influencing jury decisions, boardroom decisions, political decisions..."
I'm reminded of a colleague of mine who says we Americans increasingly seem to embrace separate "truths," reflecting NOT objective reality, but political orientation. Some of us even get our news EXCLUSIVELY from those sources that affirm our 'truths'. He calls it living in alternate realities.
It's because of that separateness that there often seems to be no moral center or intellectual coherence to much of what passes for public discourse these days. OUr principles are situational, our willingness to marshal critical thought goes off & on like a light switch. We'll believe--or NOT believe--whatever it takes to win the argument. Winning it is all that matters.
And never mind that it's perfectly possible to win the argument and still be wrong.
I SAY: Forget what you WANT to believe. Seek the truth and have the courage to believe that.
I have to agree with this guy. Get your rabies shots & start taking a good hard look for the truth. It's out there, somewhere.
Now, let the flogging begin!
**NOTE: Any typos & misspellings are solely the responsibility of aka_monty, as she didn't want to take the time to spellcheck. As per usual.
ANYWAY. Those of you who really know me, know that I'm not really all that political. I don't lean toward any particular discipline...I have my own opinions which are sort of a conglomeration of different things from each 'party' (tho' why they're called "parties" I'll never know...I can't think of anything less jolly and fun than politics!). And while 'blogsurfing' I run across so very many political blogs...leftwingrightwingdemocratconservativeliberalrepublicanindepentents are everywhere you look, ad infinitum. Ad nauseum. And some of them are...well, the word rabid springs to mind...in their views. And O WOE be to the unlucky soul who dares give voice to a dissenting opinion! They are publicly flogged, flayed, clapped in irons, set into the stocks, and frequently even drawn and quartered. Frightening, really.
In my opinion, they've all got strong points and weak (sometimes ridiculous and nonsensical) points. I take what I like from each of 'em & move right along. :)
So when I came across this article whilst reading the newspaper this morning, it made good sense to me. I thought I'd share parts of it with those who might be open-minded enough to care.
(not to worry, boys & girls, this will most likely be my first & last political-type post. It's a little long, so sit back, freshen yer drink, and smoke 'em if you got 'em.)
FROM THE DAILY OKLAHOMAN, article by Leonard Pitts Jr:
A question for my Republican friends: Would you still love George W. if he were Bill Clinton? If it were Clinton who had invaded Iraq based on erroneous intelligence, Clinton whose decisions had lead to the deaths of so many troops, would you be foursquare behind him the way you are Bush?
And for my Democratic friends: Would you have felt the same about Clinton had he been Bush? Had it been Bush who had an affair, Bush who looked the nation in the eye & lied about it, would you have been so willing to forgive?
In other words, are you guilty of double standards and outright bias?
I'll save you the trouble: Yes. For most of us, we are perfectly willing to ignore any fact that contradicts what we believe.
Maybe you already knew this intuitively. Now you can know it to a scientific certainty.
Drew Westen (professor of psychology at Emory University) is the author of a new & still-unpublished study testing whether people make decisions based on fact or bias. Bias won hands down.
In a key scenario, respondents were led to believe a soldier was accused of torturing people at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. The fictional soldier claimed to have been following orders from superiors who told him the Geneva Convention had been suspended. He supposedly wanted to subpoena Bush and Rumsfeld to prove his case. Respondents were asked if he should have that right.
Some were presented with strong "evidence" corroborating the soldier's story. Others had only the soldier's word to go on.
But the strenght or weakness of the evidence turned out to be immaterial. Researchers were able to predict people's opinion over 80% of the time based simply on their opinions of the Bush administration, the GOP, the military & human rights groups. Those who had less affection for the president sided with the 'soldier' even when the evidence was weak. And fans of the president tended to side with him even when the evidence was overwhelming.
We believe what we want, facts be damned.
"The scary thing," says Westen, "is the extent to which you can imagine this influencing jury decisions, boardroom decisions, political decisions..."
I'm reminded of a colleague of mine who says we Americans increasingly seem to embrace separate "truths," reflecting NOT objective reality, but political orientation. Some of us even get our news EXCLUSIVELY from those sources that affirm our 'truths'. He calls it living in alternate realities.
It's because of that separateness that there often seems to be no moral center or intellectual coherence to much of what passes for public discourse these days. OUr principles are situational, our willingness to marshal critical thought goes off & on like a light switch. We'll believe--or NOT believe--whatever it takes to win the argument. Winning it is all that matters.
And never mind that it's perfectly possible to win the argument and still be wrong.
I SAY: Forget what you WANT to believe. Seek the truth and have the courage to believe that.
I have to agree with this guy. Get your rabies shots & start taking a good hard look for the truth. It's out there, somewhere.
Now, let the flogging begin!
**NOTE: Any typos & misspellings are solely the responsibility of aka_monty, as she didn't want to take the time to spellcheck. As per usual.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
A few of 'me thinks'
Sometimes when I'm doing a chore which requires very little actual brain-power (such as sweeping, or chopping vegetables, or driving a car..;) ), my mind tends to meander. In case you were wondering (which I'm quite certain you weren't), here are the thinks that I...think.
EVER WONDER...
...why 'deceit' rhymes with 'receipt'? What's that P all about, anyway??
...why 'tow' sounds like 'toe' but not 'cow' or 'how'? Or 'sow' and 'sow' rhyme with 'now' and 'hoe'....
...who thought up the names for colors? Like blue. What if the sky were chartreuse? Tho' it would seem normal if that was the way of things, wouldn't it?
...why men (and women) give names to penises? After all, my breasts don't have names...
...why puppies have such yummy breath, but kittens don't?
...why we can put a man on the moon but we can't seem to make a stapler that doesn't jam up?
...why some of the people who emigrate to the US from foreign countries are the first ones to bad-mouth us?
...why orange peels taste nasty to eat, yet they are used in many delicious recipies?
...why the advent of women's lib did nothing for some women except make them lazy?
...who first thought of boiling tea leaves? And why?
...how microchips really work?
...how IMAGES can be transmitted via telephone lines...blows my mind to try & wrap my brain around the concept of how a fax works.
...if Adam & Eve were the first 2 people...are we all inbred? How exactly did that work? They had three sons and no daughters...
...how you could learn to read minds? COOL, huh?
...if you can do self-hypnosis...how do you bring yourself OUT of it if you're hypnotized?
...whoever thought that putting peanut butter & jelly together would be such a delicious treat?
...who thought up the concept of a toothbrush?
...who was the first person who saw cow teats and thought "YUM OH! DELICIOUS DRINK!"?
...what you'd do if you won the lottery? (one of my favorite fantasies, by the way)
EVER WONDER...
...why 'deceit' rhymes with 'receipt'? What's that P all about, anyway??
...why 'tow' sounds like 'toe' but not 'cow' or 'how'? Or 'sow' and 'sow' rhyme with 'now' and 'hoe'....
...who thought up the names for colors? Like blue. What if the sky were chartreuse? Tho' it would seem normal if that was the way of things, wouldn't it?
...why men (and women) give names to penises? After all, my breasts don't have names...
...why puppies have such yummy breath, but kittens don't?
...why we can put a man on the moon but we can't seem to make a stapler that doesn't jam up?
...why some of the people who emigrate to the US from foreign countries are the first ones to bad-mouth us?
...why orange peels taste nasty to eat, yet they are used in many delicious recipies?
...why the advent of women's lib did nothing for some women except make them lazy?
...who first thought of boiling tea leaves? And why?
...how microchips really work?
...how IMAGES can be transmitted via telephone lines...blows my mind to try & wrap my brain around the concept of how a fax works.
...if Adam & Eve were the first 2 people...are we all inbred? How exactly did that work? They had three sons and no daughters...
...how you could learn to read minds? COOL, huh?
...if you can do self-hypnosis...how do you bring yourself OUT of it if you're hypnotized?
...whoever thought that putting peanut butter & jelly together would be such a delicious treat?
...who thought up the concept of a toothbrush?
...who was the first person who saw cow teats and thought "YUM OH! DELICIOUS DRINK!"?
...what you'd do if you won the lottery? (one of my favorite fantasies, by the way)
Monday, December 27, 2004
*drumroll* THE TOP 5 REASONS....
...to be happy that I'm rid of the last persistent sweetheart-wannabe (BESIDES the fact that he was tap-dancin' along my last good nerve):
5. Now it doesn't matter that I'll be crampy, cranky, & bloated beginning the day before New Year's Eve.
4. I can burp REALLY loud any time I want. And believe you me, I can work up a good'un (I'm from Oklahoma, y'know)
3. I don't have to take a second shower in the evening.
2. I can get into my jammies as soon as I get home from work.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO BE HAPPY THAT I'M RID OF THAT GUY...
1. I don't have to shave my legs or under my arms unless I really, really, really want to...or until it starts to become a health hazard.
Now goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrie ;)
5. Now it doesn't matter that I'll be crampy, cranky, & bloated beginning the day before New Year's Eve.
4. I can burp REALLY loud any time I want. And believe you me, I can work up a good'un (I'm from Oklahoma, y'know)
3. I don't have to take a second shower in the evening.
2. I can get into my jammies as soon as I get home from work.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON TO BE HAPPY THAT I'M RID OF THAT GUY...
1. I don't have to shave my legs or under my arms unless I really, really, really want to...or until it starts to become a health hazard.
Now goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrie ;)
Now THAT'S one I can get behind.
|
You Are a Snarky Blogger! |
 You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can! |
Finally, a true quiz result. :) I believe I actually POSTED about SNARKINESS earlier this month...SNARKY is one of my favorite words ever. And we don't use it nearly enough here in the US. I frequently feel snarky, I usually speak 'snarkily'...I love love love it. So thank you, o quizmaster, for the vindicating result.
On to another thing.
When you're surfing blogexplosion, do you find yourself frequently glaring balefully at the timer count-down, with your cursor aimed & at the ready, finger twitching on the mouse? Then when you see the magic "GO"...do you sigh with relief and think, "Well, that's 30 seconds of my life I'll never see again!" ?
Today was one of those days for me. SO many political blogs...too much time. Bleurgh.
So solly, Cholly, I'm not political (much).
(although I do think Michael Moore is a self-aggrandizing bastard, who's now been joined by Chevy Chase on my 'List of People to Avoid if I Ever See Them On The Street'.)
But here's a pet peeve: those who clamor for attention, loudly proclaiming their opinions (no, that's not what burns me, EVERYONE is entitled to their opinion!)...but if you should dare post a comment that happens to disagree with them, even partially, they blow a fucking gasket and inundate YOUR blog with threatening and/or insulting comments.
Well.
A word to you insane hypocritical freaks: If you didn't want the attention or the comments, why post such vituperative posts? We read your opinions, sure, but aren't we entitled to our own as well? Why must you take a disagreement with your opinion so damn personally? My goodness.
I feel like it's third grade some times. "You said something I don't like, now you can't be my friend."
What on God's green earth made you think, even for a tiny second, that I was looking to be your friend? I choose mine more carefully than that, thank you very much.
Specifically speaking (typing), there was a blog I ran across from some gal named Jin
The post in question began: "DEAR BLOGEXPLOSION ASSHOLES" (or words to that effect~~but DEFINITELY assholes was the term used.
WOW.
So someone has some strong feelings about that. No worries~she's entitled.
So I posted a comment.
Evidently she didn't like it, tho' I saw nothing rude about what I said.
So she came allllllll the way over here to MY blog to post a reply. Again, no worries...I just laughed at it when I saw it.
I find it more amusing than insulting.
Still, I don't understand why people get their panties all in a bunch when people disagree with that person's viewpoints.
Just to clarify: I disagree with LOTS of people's opinions, views, and otherwise...you should take it as a mark of honor that I stopped in long enough to disagree. And I DID try to make it as gentle as possible, unlike the person who ALSO commented in Jin's blog "FUCK YOU BITCH".
*sigh*
Least I got a giggle out of it. :) I do tend to rub a certain type of person the wrong way, without even really trying.
*stirs the pot*
ATTENTION ALL AND SUNDRY: You're warmly welcomed to post your opinions here on anything I might have to say. I don't have to like it. I may spit on you, or perhaps chase you with a meat cleaver. But I won't delete your comment. ;) Or say "FUCK YOU BITCH".
Fun Factoid: People who drink coffee are less likely to commit suicide than people who don't. (thank goodness for my addiction. I think this fact may be because our hands are too shaky to hold the gun still)
Friday, December 24, 2004
Quips and Quotes
"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"~~Lewis Carroll
"If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll be the only one not laughing."~~aka_monty
Happy Holidays, boys & girls! As you know, for some the holidays mean loneliness and sadness. I have a friend who works for a casket manufacturing company, and he tells me that this is their busiest time of the year. (that's sad, isn't it? But a little bit funny)
SO, in the interest of spreading a little holiday cheer, I've decided to share some of my favorite giggle-makers.
**DISCLAIMER: Any mistakes and/or misquotes are solely the fault of this author, for being too damn lazy to look them up properly.
YEAH, WRIGHT! (Stephen Wright is one of my favorites)
"I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property."
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."
CARLINISMS
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, DIShonesty is the second-best policy."
"A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, 'He was a loner.' Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with."
"I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it."
RODNEY DANGERFIELD, ANYONE?
"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN
In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
At a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." (well hell, and I was SO looking forward to giving birth on a barstool)
In a Laundry in Rhodes: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." (Count me IN!)
On a Viennese restaurant menu: Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep." (gee, wonder what they've got for DESSERT?)
A doctor's office in Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases." (I wonder if anyone has taken a cleaver to that guy yet?)
In a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." (I wonder how you smuggle a country through customs?)
At a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." (I don't know about you, but I don't really know that many women covered in fur)
LOONY LAWS~~that (sadly) are REAL.
In Macomb, Illinois, it's illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf.
It's illegal in Hartford, Connecticut to kiss your wife on a Sunday.
It's against the law in Kentucky to remarry the same man four times.
In Tennessee, it's against the law to shoot game other than whales from a moving car. (well hell, there go MY vacation plans)
It's illegal in Fairbanks, Alaska, for two moose to have sex on city sidewalks. (hey, I wonder what kind of fine that brings...and how they collect on it?)
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF "BABES" (supermodel commentary)
"I don't have to fake dumb. I AM dumb."~~Jerry Hall
I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."~~Linda Evangelista
"Blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired of talking about myself."~~Elle Macpherson
"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like 3 Mercedes.' Then I understood."~~Brooke Shields
"I don't think I was born beautiful. I just think I was born me."~~Naomi Campbell
"I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am."~~Samantha Fox
"I look at modeling as something I'm doing for black people in general."~~Naomi Campbell
""I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."~~Linda Evangelista
A FEW BUMPER STICKERS...
I doubt, therefore I might be
Dyslexics Have More Fnu
The Gene Pool Could Use a Little Chlorine
Your Kid May Be an Honor Student but You're Still an Idiot
We Have Enough Youth, How About a Fountain of "Smart"?
The More You Complain, The Longer God Lets You Live
I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Out of Bed
Things to do today:
Live, love, and laugh
(Fun Factoid: In Venice, Venetian blinds are known as 'Persian blinds')
"If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll be the only one not laughing."~~aka_monty
Happy Holidays, boys & girls! As you know, for some the holidays mean loneliness and sadness. I have a friend who works for a casket manufacturing company, and he tells me that this is their busiest time of the year. (that's sad, isn't it? But a little bit funny)
SO, in the interest of spreading a little holiday cheer, I've decided to share some of my favorite giggle-makers.
**DISCLAIMER: Any mistakes and/or misquotes are solely the fault of this author, for being too damn lazy to look them up properly.
YEAH, WRIGHT! (Stephen Wright is one of my favorites)
"I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property."
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."
CARLINISMS
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, DIShonesty is the second-best policy."
"A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, 'He was a loner.' Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with."
"I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it."
RODNEY DANGERFIELD, ANYONE?
"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN
In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
At a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." (well hell, and I was SO looking forward to giving birth on a barstool)
In a Laundry in Rhodes: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." (Count me IN!)
On a Viennese restaurant menu: Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep." (gee, wonder what they've got for DESSERT?)
A doctor's office in Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases." (I wonder if anyone has taken a cleaver to that guy yet?)
In a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." (I wonder how you smuggle a country through customs?)
At a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." (I don't know about you, but I don't really know that many women covered in fur)
LOONY LAWS~~that (sadly) are REAL.
In Macomb, Illinois, it's illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf.
It's illegal in Hartford, Connecticut to kiss your wife on a Sunday.
It's against the law in Kentucky to remarry the same man four times.
In Tennessee, it's against the law to shoot game other than whales from a moving car. (well hell, there go MY vacation plans)
It's illegal in Fairbanks, Alaska, for two moose to have sex on city sidewalks. (hey, I wonder what kind of fine that brings...and how they collect on it?)
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF "BABES" (supermodel commentary)
"I don't have to fake dumb. I AM dumb."~~Jerry Hall
I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."~~Linda Evangelista
"Blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired of talking about myself."~~Elle Macpherson
"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like 3 Mercedes.' Then I understood."~~Brooke Shields
"I don't think I was born beautiful. I just think I was born me."~~Naomi Campbell
"I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am."~~Samantha Fox
"I look at modeling as something I'm doing for black people in general."~~Naomi Campbell
""I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."~~Linda Evangelista
A FEW BUMPER STICKERS...
I doubt, therefore I might be
Dyslexics Have More Fnu
The Gene Pool Could Use a Little Chlorine
Your Kid May Be an Honor Student but You're Still an Idiot
We Have Enough Youth, How About a Fountain of "Smart"?
The More You Complain, The Longer God Lets You Live
I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Out of Bed
Things to do today:
Live, love, and laugh
(Fun Factoid: In Venice, Venetian blinds are known as 'Persian blinds')
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Story with a Spin
This morning began like any other: I crawled woozily out of bed, turned off my nice warm snuggly electric blanket, & headed for the kitchen to switch on the coffee pot. Then off to the shower...no problemo. Showered, dressed, logged on to the computer for a few minutes whilst I drank coffee & smoked.
BUT THEN...
DUN DUN DUN!
I went into the bathroom, grabbed my Crest Spinbrush, and flicked the switch...
NOTHING.
"WHAT?!" I cried, "how can this be?"
I stared in stupefaction at the unmoving spinbrush.
I began to panic.
I raced through the house, searching frantically for batteries.
Well of course, this close to the holidays, not a battery was to be found anywhere. Even in my 'private' stash. *wink wink* (girls, you know what I'm talkin' about here)
I returned to the bathroom to sit on the closed toilet lid and think. (the bathroom IS where most of the deep thinking is done, after all)
I tried to determine a course of action. First, I decided to go on strike, and just stop brushing until the damn thing decided to give in. That lasted all of 5 minutes, as I'd already had 3 cups of coffee and 2 cigarettes. Bleurgh.
Then I thought I'd stage a sit-in, in protest, until the battery fairy did her stinkin' job.
Okay, that got boring REALLY quickly.
I settled for glaring at the evil spinbrush, hoping to frighten it into doing it's job. The slacker.
Didn't work.
Finally, with a deep sigh, I grabbed the SpinBrush, gave it a good shake, and proceeded to brush while making "hnnnnnnnn hnnnnnnn hnnnnnnn" sounds in the back of my throat.
Mission accomplished.
I have lost the battle, but I still hope to win the war.
The good news is, the blow dryer was intimidated into perfect behaviour.
BUT THEN...
DUN DUN DUN!
I went into the bathroom, grabbed my Crest Spinbrush, and flicked the switch...
NOTHING.
"WHAT?!" I cried, "how can this be?"
I stared in stupefaction at the unmoving spinbrush.
I began to panic.
I raced through the house, searching frantically for batteries.
Well of course, this close to the holidays, not a battery was to be found anywhere. Even in my 'private' stash. *wink wink* (girls, you know what I'm talkin' about here)
I returned to the bathroom to sit on the closed toilet lid and think. (the bathroom IS where most of the deep thinking is done, after all)
I tried to determine a course of action. First, I decided to go on strike, and just stop brushing until the damn thing decided to give in. That lasted all of 5 minutes, as I'd already had 3 cups of coffee and 2 cigarettes. Bleurgh.
Then I thought I'd stage a sit-in, in protest, until the battery fairy did her stinkin' job.
Okay, that got boring REALLY quickly.
I settled for glaring at the evil spinbrush, hoping to frighten it into doing it's job. The slacker.
Didn't work.
Finally, with a deep sigh, I grabbed the SpinBrush, gave it a good shake, and proceeded to brush while making "hnnnnnnnn hnnnnnnn hnnnnnnn" sounds in the back of my throat.
Mission accomplished.
I have lost the battle, but I still hope to win the war.
The good news is, the blow dryer was intimidated into perfect behaviour.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Devil or Angel?
So my daughter is off to spend the night at a friend's house tonight...she's very excited about it.
I was picking her and her brother up from my mom's today after work, and mom has this big box of leftover bubbles from my sister's wedding.
My daughter asked grandma for some bubbles and said, "Do you think bubbles would be a nice thank-you gift for Sarah's mom for letting me spend the night?"
My first thought: AAAAWWWWWWWWW! My heart swelled near to burstin' with pride. What a lovely, thoughtful, special little girl I have! I had to pause and wipe a tear from my eye. LOL ;)
My second thought as my ever-present cynicism reared it's ugly head: Mmmm, maybe I should've named her Rhoda. Anyone ever see or read "The Bad Seed"??? LOL!!!! I wonder could my own sweetheart be that devious...that thought was helped along by me own mum as she muttered "brown-noser" under her breath with a chuckle.
Seriously, my little gal is the tops, the absolute tops. I KNOW, without a doubt, that at 9 years old it would never have occurred to me to take a thank you gift to my hostess. Hell, it rarely occurs to me now at the ripe age of 36!
My daughter could teach me a thing or two about proper behavior.
OH, almost forgot something I wanted to share. I heard a couple of jokes this morning from a favorite mysogynistic radio DJ...and even tho' I AM a woman, I found them amusing. Then again, I'm easily amused.
Why is it called PMS?
Because the name 'Mad-Cow Disease' was already taken.
What's the difference between a woman and a sack of shit?
The sack
Oh BOOOO ON YOU, Lumpy! Bad, bad man!
Why does it take FIVE women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
IT JUST DOES, OKAY??!!!??
Thank you and goodnight!
I was picking her and her brother up from my mom's today after work, and mom has this big box of leftover bubbles from my sister's wedding.
My daughter asked grandma for some bubbles and said, "Do you think bubbles would be a nice thank-you gift for Sarah's mom for letting me spend the night?"
My first thought: AAAAWWWWWWWWW! My heart swelled near to burstin' with pride. What a lovely, thoughtful, special little girl I have! I had to pause and wipe a tear from my eye. LOL ;)
My second thought as my ever-present cynicism reared it's ugly head: Mmmm, maybe I should've named her Rhoda. Anyone ever see or read "The Bad Seed"??? LOL!!!! I wonder could my own sweetheart be that devious...that thought was helped along by me own mum as she muttered "brown-noser" under her breath with a chuckle.
Seriously, my little gal is the tops, the absolute tops. I KNOW, without a doubt, that at 9 years old it would never have occurred to me to take a thank you gift to my hostess. Hell, it rarely occurs to me now at the ripe age of 36!
My daughter could teach me a thing or two about proper behavior.
OH, almost forgot something I wanted to share. I heard a couple of jokes this morning from a favorite mysogynistic radio DJ...and even tho' I AM a woman, I found them amusing. Then again, I'm easily amused.
Why is it called PMS?
Because the name 'Mad-Cow Disease' was already taken.
What's the difference between a woman and a sack of shit?
The sack
Oh BOOOO ON YOU, Lumpy! Bad, bad man!
Why does it take FIVE women with PMS to change a lightbulb?
IT JUST DOES, OKAY??!!!??
Thank you and goodnight!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Bah Humbuggery and other craptastic thoughts.
I have two Christmas trees. One teeny-tiny tabletop tree (let's hear it for alliteration!), and one six foot tree. Both artificial, of course.
I FINALLY dragged the....teeny one down from the attic today, along with my children's stockings.
What is UP with me this year? No decorations up, a tiny tree, no enthusiasm. *sigh*
I have a roomful of gifts yet to wrap, and can muster up no energy to even sort through them.
I've GOT to get over it.
Just dumped the guy I've been dating recently (because he was becoming an annoyance~you can go here to read all about THAT particular situation...), so that may have something to do with it. I'm just feeling unhappy. I know, I know, BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO!! lol
In the words of Dr. Laura (and I, for one, find this the ONLY intelligent thing she's ever had to say) "QUIT WHINING!"
Good dose of my own medicine.
Random thought:
D'you know when I compose my BEST blog posts? Usually around 11pm or so...when I'm lying in bed, the house is still and quiet except for the occasional WHOOOMPH of the pilot light and the soft humming of the central heat unit. I close my eyes and think of all the things I want to say, and they always sound so perfectly perfect in my head.
Damn shame I can't remember them when I wake up the next morning.
XD
*sings* "I saw Mama boinking Santa Claus, underneath the Christmas tree last night..."
*giggle*
I FINALLY dragged the....teeny one down from the attic today, along with my children's stockings.
What is UP with me this year? No decorations up, a tiny tree, no enthusiasm. *sigh*
I have a roomful of gifts yet to wrap, and can muster up no energy to even sort through them.
I've GOT to get over it.
Just dumped the guy I've been dating recently (because he was becoming an annoyance~you can go here to read all about THAT particular situation...), so that may have something to do with it. I'm just feeling unhappy. I know, I know, BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO!! lol
In the words of Dr. Laura (and I, for one, find this the ONLY intelligent thing she's ever had to say) "QUIT WHINING!"
Good dose of my own medicine.
Random thought:
D'you know when I compose my BEST blog posts? Usually around 11pm or so...when I'm lying in bed, the house is still and quiet except for the occasional WHOOOMPH of the pilot light and the soft humming of the central heat unit. I close my eyes and think of all the things I want to say, and they always sound so perfectly perfect in my head.
Damn shame I can't remember them when I wake up the next morning.
XD
*sings* "I saw Mama boinking Santa Claus, underneath the Christmas tree last night..."
*giggle*
Monday, December 20, 2004
Case en pointe
Sweet smell of validation.
I was surfing through BLOGEXPLOSION, when what to my wondering eyes did appear but the blog of that selfsame person who dared call me an ass during my Tirade Against Teachers.
So this was an entry I read:
Screwed
This morning I was told that after teaching four classes, I had a meeting during period 5 and a class coverage period 6. Essentially I was supposed to be on duty from 8.40 this morning until 2.00 this afternoon with no time to eat, drink or use the bathroom in between. I burst into tears and emailed the union rep. Some time in the middle of second period, the vice-principal came to my room and told me that the meeting was cancelled. Not because of my situation, but because another teacher is absent today. It was such a relief to learn that I'd have a break that I got all teary again.
A few minutes ago, as I was enjoying my much needed duty free lunch, my vice-principal returned to explain the coverage situation. My worst fears have been realized. When it comes to babysitting other people's classes I'm screwed. Because I only teach four periods a day, I don't get paid for coverage. I'm their bitch. After I told him that my covering classes just means that I won't be able to test students and write reports in a timely manner, my vice-principal thanked me for being so understanding and easy to work with.
Huh? I tell him that I can't do half of my job and he thanks me. What a fucked-up place. Where are their priorities? Hire a fucking substitute. I have eight kids to test and I'm behind in reports. Instead of giving me the time to do what I'm supposed to be paid for, I'm covering a music class this afternoon. No wonder these kids are so far behind.
*gasp* You mean 8 WHOLE children?? My goodness. And working 5 WHOLE hours without a break?! O dear Lord, there oughta be a law!
*sneer*
You actually called your union rep?
Cry-baby suck-tit.
Oh yes yes yes, I know I'm harsh and vicious. Meanie-weanie jelly-beanie. I know I'll offend many, many people. Now ask me if I care... :D
Don't get me wrong, I'm not tarring all teachers with the same brush. I've never believed that "those who can, DO..those who can't, TEACH". But those (and you kow who you are!) who moan, groan, cry, complain, and whine about how BADLY they've got it...
I want to stick a fork in their eyes.
Or maybe mine.
Again I say ADD UP HOW MANY SCHOOL DAYS YOU ACTUALLY WORK before you complain about low pay.
Then come & live in the real world with the rest of us who ALSO think we're underpaid, AND work 5-7 days a week, EVERY week.
If you can't handle it...try getting a full-time job, with NO union, 1-2 weeks of vacation PER YEAR (if that!), and sometimes 16 or more hours of work per day.
Do you have ANY idea how many times the rest of us may have worked more than 5 hours without a break to even BREATHE? And how many times we may have worked straight through lunch? And weekends? And holidays?
I can't say this enough: GET OVER YOURSELVES. Those of us who are parents really DO know how hard it is to reach children. To make them behave. To TEACH them. But you're pretty well compensated for that.
YOU chose it.
So shut the fuck up, already.
I was surfing through BLOGEXPLOSION, when what to my wondering eyes did appear but the blog of that selfsame person who dared call me an ass during my Tirade Against Teachers.
So this was an entry I read:
Screwed
This morning I was told that after teaching four classes, I had a meeting during period 5 and a class coverage period 6. Essentially I was supposed to be on duty from 8.40 this morning until 2.00 this afternoon with no time to eat, drink or use the bathroom in between. I burst into tears and emailed the union rep. Some time in the middle of second period, the vice-principal came to my room and told me that the meeting was cancelled. Not because of my situation, but because another teacher is absent today. It was such a relief to learn that I'd have a break that I got all teary again.
A few minutes ago, as I was enjoying my much needed duty free lunch, my vice-principal returned to explain the coverage situation. My worst fears have been realized. When it comes to babysitting other people's classes I'm screwed. Because I only teach four periods a day, I don't get paid for coverage. I'm their bitch. After I told him that my covering classes just means that I won't be able to test students and write reports in a timely manner, my vice-principal thanked me for being so understanding and easy to work with.
Huh? I tell him that I can't do half of my job and he thanks me. What a fucked-up place. Where are their priorities? Hire a fucking substitute. I have eight kids to test and I'm behind in reports. Instead of giving me the time to do what I'm supposed to be paid for, I'm covering a music class this afternoon. No wonder these kids are so far behind.
*gasp* You mean 8 WHOLE children?? My goodness. And working 5 WHOLE hours without a break?! O dear Lord, there oughta be a law!
*sneer*
You actually called your union rep?
Cry-baby suck-tit.
Oh yes yes yes, I know I'm harsh and vicious. Meanie-weanie jelly-beanie. I know I'll offend many, many people. Now ask me if I care... :D
Don't get me wrong, I'm not tarring all teachers with the same brush. I've never believed that "those who can, DO..those who can't, TEACH". But those (and you kow who you are!) who moan, groan, cry, complain, and whine about how BADLY they've got it...
I want to stick a fork in their eyes.
Or maybe mine.
Again I say ADD UP HOW MANY SCHOOL DAYS YOU ACTUALLY WORK before you complain about low pay.
Then come & live in the real world with the rest of us who ALSO think we're underpaid, AND work 5-7 days a week, EVERY week.
If you can't handle it...try getting a full-time job, with NO union, 1-2 weeks of vacation PER YEAR (if that!), and sometimes 16 or more hours of work per day.
Do you have ANY idea how many times the rest of us may have worked more than 5 hours without a break to even BREATHE? And how many times we may have worked straight through lunch? And weekends? And holidays?
I can't say this enough: GET OVER YOURSELVES. Those of us who are parents really DO know how hard it is to reach children. To make them behave. To TEACH them. But you're pretty well compensated for that.
YOU chose it.
So shut the fuck up, already.
"...if you're swimming with sharks and you start to bleed, you ought to get the hell out of the water."
Good advice, that.
And another couple of good lines from some books I've recently read:
"Sometimes it's hard to tell whether it's love or whether it's only indigestion."
K: "I said it with a smile."
P: "I've seen you cut open bodies with a smile."
K: "Never. I always use a scalpel."
Oh, here's today's definition of ironic: Pop-up ads advertising software to kill...pop-up ads.
*sigh*
And another couple of good lines from some books I've recently read:
"Sometimes it's hard to tell whether it's love or whether it's only indigestion."
K: "I said it with a smile."
P: "I've seen you cut open bodies with a smile."
K: "Never. I always use a scalpel."
Oh, here's today's definition of ironic: Pop-up ads advertising software to kill...pop-up ads.
*sigh*
Sunday, December 19, 2004
A message to my soon-to-be-ex aunt in-law
Sheila,
Y'know, if you and my uncle are unhappy in your marriage, none of us would have faulted you for wanting to leave. After all, I've known him my whole life and our family is fully aware that he's not always the nicest person, nor the easiest to get along with.
But really.
You don't have to whore yourself out. You don't have to sneak off, and lie, and snuggle up to other men while you're out of town.
You don't have to disrespect him in front of your children. You don't have to say, right in front of him, "Oh, you don't have to listen to what your dad says."
That's sort of against the parenting rules.
I'm going to call you a tramp...because after all, that's what you've become. And treating your 14 year old daughter like a confidant? What the FUCK is wrong with you? You're 48, not 28. Why don't you try acting like an adult, and a halfway decent mother for a change.
Let me tell you a little somethin' about single-motherhood, to help dispell whatever asisinie, imbecilic ideas you've got squirming around in your tiny little mostly-unused brain.
Being a single mother doesn't mean PAR-TAY. It means being mom AND dad to your children. It means self-sacrifice. It means being involved in your children's actual LIVES, not just buying them everything they ever wanted (which frankly, your rotten little brats don't appreciate anyway). It means spending time with the kids. It means telling them "NO" once in awhile. It means putting your foot down, and meaning it. It means loneliness. It means no-one to go to the grocery store for you, or start the car & get it warmed up on cold days. It means doing EVERYTHING yourself. It means no-one to snuggle with at night (unless you've now become so much of a skanky slut that you'll bring your men into the house overnight, while your kids are there). It means not much social life. It means working your ass off every day, and coming home and working your ass off some more. It means no-one to lean on when you're tired. It means putting YOUR needs/wants LAST ON THE LIST. It means LEADING BY EXAMPLE...that is to say, being a good example for your children. A role model.
Personally, I don't think you're up for that. I didn't like you much 17 years ago when you first started dating my uncle...you with your saccharine smile and your sweet-voiced condescension. I didn't think you were smart enough for him. But I swallowed all that and more, and welcomed you into the family. You were so sweet and nice to my grandma and great-grandma...but now that grams has alzheimer's and grandma has moved in to take care of her...where are YOU? Nowhere to be found. OH, wait...you can be found at the bar cuddled up to some random guy you just met.
Whore.
Slut.
Tramp.
Skank.
Am I being harsh? Tough shit.
You've turned your back on your marriage vows. If you want to be divorced, fine & dandy...but don't start giving out your body to any (every?) Tom, Dick, and Harry until you actually GET the divorce.
Oh, and it's not cool to smoke pot with your 16 year old son.
And last Christmas he was stoned...we all saw that except for perhaps his dad and my grandma.
And it was REALLY CREEPY when you had him sit on your lap. Ugh. FREAK.
You try to buy off your children with whatever they want, whatever they ask for, and offer no discipline, rules, or boundaries. I pray to God that my children don't turn out to be the sort of selfish, self-serving, spoiled brats that you've turned your children into.
I could see that coming a mile away. Didn't you think it was strange when your daughter always wanted to wear her brother's clothes, right down to his underwear? And how she never grew out of saying that she was a boy? Didn't you realize that you were perpetuating that with the bowl-haircuts and boy's clothes that you gave in to?
And your son...less said on that, the better.
Yeah, you've done a bang-up job with those poor kids. They don't stand a chance.
You've systematically turned them against their father by bad-mouthing him to the kids' faces, by undoing any punishments he may have doled out, and just by being a generally selfish bitch. I can't even really blame the kids~I blame you. AND my uncle must take some of the responsibility...maybe if he hadn't tried to be SO strict you wouldn't have felt the need to undermine him. But I doubt it.
Don't you realize that the only friends you have left are the couple of divorced women that you've started hanging out with? What, do they make it sound really GRAND to be single? Boy, they've surely got you snowed. And really, aren't you a little old to be getting a tattoo NOW?
Haven't you got any self-respect?
You'll see. You just wait. When you end up used up, lonely, perhaps with any luck disease-ridden, I'll be the one pointing at you and laughing.
Hell, I'm certainly a million miles from being a perfect person, or a perfect mother, or a perfect anything (except for perhaps a perfect bitch)...but people who cheat on their spouses and abuse drugs are quite simply among the dregs of humanity.
I surely wish I could say all these things to your face, because you know I would. And if you continue to screw my uncle over, you can bet I will. I'm only biting my tongue in half right now in the interest of family peace, as my grandmother is forgiving and loving...things that I'm not so good at.
I loathe you.
You're leading your children right on the path to hell along with you.
Save your whoring around for AFTER the divorce, you tight-assed bitch.
Try putting your children first, for a change.
Try to be a semi-decent human being, if it's not too late for you. But I'm pretty sure it is.
Don't call me. Unless, of course, you want my honest opinion.
Whew. Got that off my chest. DAMN if I'm not pissed.
ON a lighter note...
I was a well-oiled shopping machine today. :) I slithered into spaces between carts like a shadow. I dodged grandmothers and families of 12 with ease. I sped up and down the aisles like a jet-fueled engine.
AND finished all my Christmas shopping, from A to Zed.
Santa ain't got nothin' on me. =)
Y'know, if you and my uncle are unhappy in your marriage, none of us would have faulted you for wanting to leave. After all, I've known him my whole life and our family is fully aware that he's not always the nicest person, nor the easiest to get along with.
But really.
You don't have to whore yourself out. You don't have to sneak off, and lie, and snuggle up to other men while you're out of town.
You don't have to disrespect him in front of your children. You don't have to say, right in front of him, "Oh, you don't have to listen to what your dad says."
That's sort of against the parenting rules.
I'm going to call you a tramp...because after all, that's what you've become. And treating your 14 year old daughter like a confidant? What the FUCK is wrong with you? You're 48, not 28. Why don't you try acting like an adult, and a halfway decent mother for a change.
Let me tell you a little somethin' about single-motherhood, to help dispell whatever asisinie, imbecilic ideas you've got squirming around in your tiny little mostly-unused brain.
Being a single mother doesn't mean PAR-TAY. It means being mom AND dad to your children. It means self-sacrifice. It means being involved in your children's actual LIVES, not just buying them everything they ever wanted (which frankly, your rotten little brats don't appreciate anyway). It means spending time with the kids. It means telling them "NO" once in awhile. It means putting your foot down, and meaning it. It means loneliness. It means no-one to go to the grocery store for you, or start the car & get it warmed up on cold days. It means doing EVERYTHING yourself. It means no-one to snuggle with at night (unless you've now become so much of a skanky slut that you'll bring your men into the house overnight, while your kids are there). It means not much social life. It means working your ass off every day, and coming home and working your ass off some more. It means no-one to lean on when you're tired. It means putting YOUR needs/wants LAST ON THE LIST. It means LEADING BY EXAMPLE...that is to say, being a good example for your children. A role model.
Personally, I don't think you're up for that. I didn't like you much 17 years ago when you first started dating my uncle...you with your saccharine smile and your sweet-voiced condescension. I didn't think you were smart enough for him. But I swallowed all that and more, and welcomed you into the family. You were so sweet and nice to my grandma and great-grandma...but now that grams has alzheimer's and grandma has moved in to take care of her...where are YOU? Nowhere to be found. OH, wait...you can be found at the bar cuddled up to some random guy you just met.
Whore.
Slut.
Tramp.
Skank.
Am I being harsh? Tough shit.
You've turned your back on your marriage vows. If you want to be divorced, fine & dandy...but don't start giving out your body to any (every?) Tom, Dick, and Harry until you actually GET the divorce.
Oh, and it's not cool to smoke pot with your 16 year old son.
And last Christmas he was stoned...we all saw that except for perhaps his dad and my grandma.
And it was REALLY CREEPY when you had him sit on your lap. Ugh. FREAK.
You try to buy off your children with whatever they want, whatever they ask for, and offer no discipline, rules, or boundaries. I pray to God that my children don't turn out to be the sort of selfish, self-serving, spoiled brats that you've turned your children into.
I could see that coming a mile away. Didn't you think it was strange when your daughter always wanted to wear her brother's clothes, right down to his underwear? And how she never grew out of saying that she was a boy? Didn't you realize that you were perpetuating that with the bowl-haircuts and boy's clothes that you gave in to?
And your son...less said on that, the better.
Yeah, you've done a bang-up job with those poor kids. They don't stand a chance.
You've systematically turned them against their father by bad-mouthing him to the kids' faces, by undoing any punishments he may have doled out, and just by being a generally selfish bitch. I can't even really blame the kids~I blame you. AND my uncle must take some of the responsibility...maybe if he hadn't tried to be SO strict you wouldn't have felt the need to undermine him. But I doubt it.
Don't you realize that the only friends you have left are the couple of divorced women that you've started hanging out with? What, do they make it sound really GRAND to be single? Boy, they've surely got you snowed. And really, aren't you a little old to be getting a tattoo NOW?
Haven't you got any self-respect?
You'll see. You just wait. When you end up used up, lonely, perhaps with any luck disease-ridden, I'll be the one pointing at you and laughing.
Hell, I'm certainly a million miles from being a perfect person, or a perfect mother, or a perfect anything (except for perhaps a perfect bitch)...but people who cheat on their spouses and abuse drugs are quite simply among the dregs of humanity.
I surely wish I could say all these things to your face, because you know I would. And if you continue to screw my uncle over, you can bet I will. I'm only biting my tongue in half right now in the interest of family peace, as my grandmother is forgiving and loving...things that I'm not so good at.
I loathe you.
You're leading your children right on the path to hell along with you.
Save your whoring around for AFTER the divorce, you tight-assed bitch.
Try putting your children first, for a change.
Try to be a semi-decent human being, if it's not too late for you. But I'm pretty sure it is.
Don't call me. Unless, of course, you want my honest opinion.
Whew. Got that off my chest. DAMN if I'm not pissed.
ON a lighter note...
I was a well-oiled shopping machine today. :) I slithered into spaces between carts like a shadow. I dodged grandmothers and families of 12 with ease. I sped up and down the aisles like a jet-fueled engine.
AND finished all my Christmas shopping, from A to Zed.
Santa ain't got nothin' on me. =)
Saturday, December 18, 2004
An ass by any other name...
Guess what? Someone has called me an ass, ostensibly because that person did not like my opinions. I say HEY, thanks for noticing! =) I have opinions on, oh, just about everything~~and frequently they are unpopular and/or in the minority. Just part & parcel of the entity that is ME.
Respectfully I say to all my constant blogreaders that you are quite entitled to offer your OWN opinions here as well as YOUR OWN blog...I'm not required to agree with you. So all you will do by offering me insults is make me giggle and point at you.
I COULD stoop down and admit that I read this person's blog and quite frankly say that I found it both puerile and boring...but I won't. Wait....DAMN. I just did it anyway. So much for good intentions. I'm sure paving the road to hell.
So, reciprocating in the spirit in which the intended insult was given:
"I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah."
So there.
*snicker*
Name calling is just silly...there have to be better ways to communicate your opinion. Say what you like: offer your opinions, agree/disagree with mine, but try to at least ACT like a semi-adult and hold the name-calling to a minimum, mmmkay? Be forthright, be opinionated...those I can respect.
So UP THE ASSES of the world! Let your voice be heard!
And as they say in Hollyweird~~ANY publicity is GOOD publicity.
So keep 'em comin', folks.
Respectfully I say to all my constant blogreaders that you are quite entitled to offer your OWN opinions here as well as YOUR OWN blog...I'm not required to agree with you. So all you will do by offering me insults is make me giggle and point at you.
I COULD stoop down and admit that I read this person's blog and quite frankly say that I found it both puerile and boring...but I won't. Wait....DAMN. I just did it anyway. So much for good intentions. I'm sure paving the road to hell.
So, reciprocating in the spirit in which the intended insult was given:
"I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah."
So there.
*snicker*
Name calling is just silly...there have to be better ways to communicate your opinion. Say what you like: offer your opinions, agree/disagree with mine, but try to at least ACT like a semi-adult and hold the name-calling to a minimum, mmmkay? Be forthright, be opinionated...those I can respect.
So UP THE ASSES of the world! Let your voice be heard!
And as they say in Hollyweird~~ANY publicity is GOOD publicity.
So keep 'em comin', folks.
Friday, December 17, 2004
*Insert Title Here*
*hums* These are a few of my favorite things...
The sound of my children's breathing whilst they lay sleeping
The scent of jasmine
Rainfall or snowfall on a sunny day
The smell of coffee brewing
Puppy breath
Long, hot bubble baths
A good book
My friends
My 9 year-old daughter's Christmas list:
Batteries
Flashlight
Fishing pole
Bait
Sailboat
O what a practical little soul she is!
The sound of my children's breathing whilst they lay sleeping
The scent of jasmine
Rainfall or snowfall on a sunny day
The smell of coffee brewing
Puppy breath
Long, hot bubble baths
A good book
My friends
My 9 year-old daughter's Christmas list:
Batteries
Flashlight
Fishing pole
Bait
Sailboat
O what a practical little soul she is!
Thursday, December 16, 2004
I talk to myself because...
For the first time in Monty history...this post has been temporarily disabled and moved into the Witness Protection Program to avoid snipers.
I do not mind getting opposing opinions.
I don't even mind stirring things up.
But the rudeness and mean-spiritedness, just for the sake of being shitty, has worn through my very last nerve.
No fear, the post will be back at a later date in all it's former glory.
I am not ashamed, nor will I apologize, for having strong feelings on any particular subject.
So until then, I encourage you all to keep two old adages in mind:
Blog in haste, repent at leisure.
If you can't say something nice...go screw yourself.
That is all.
I do not mind getting opposing opinions.
I don't even mind stirring things up.
But the rudeness and mean-spiritedness, just for the sake of being shitty, has worn through my very last nerve.
No fear, the post will be back at a later date in all it's former glory.
I am not ashamed, nor will I apologize, for having strong feelings on any particular subject.
So until then, I encourage you all to keep two old adages in mind:
Blog in haste, repent at leisure.
If you can't say something nice...go screw yourself.
That is all.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Rambling à la Monty
aka_monty does livejournal...in case you want a bit of background on me. Hey, it'll keep you off the streets for a couple hours.
Today I'm feeling a bit snarky.
Mmmm...snarky. Isn't that a lovely word? We don't use it nearly enough here in the ol' U.S. of A.
We're more likely to "open up a can o' whoopass" or tell you "how the cow ate the cabbage" here in OkieLand.
But as my heritage includes English, Irish, German (and a teeny bit of Italian thrown in just for spice)...I feel I'm entitled to be snarky upon occasion.
So there.
For those of you who are new here (as am I, to blogger.com, anyway), you may be interested to know about an experiment I'm anxious to try.
So maybe I'll tell you about it...tomorrow. Or the next day. When I feel like it.
Couple random thoughts...
As someone who has swum the murky waters of online dating for awhile now, I've discovered two unerring consistencies:
Men lie about their height.
Women lie about their weight.
Now I ask you, blogreader divine, what's the point here? If the two someones in question decide to meet...won't that put paid to any misrepresentation? And then you have one or more very disappointed someones...and no hope for the future. Because first of all you're a big fat liar, and second of all you're probably not exactly what the other was looking for anyway.
READING BETWEEN THE LINES: If a man is, in reality, under 6ft. tall...just deduct two inches from what he says his height is. For example, I myself am 5ft 6 inches tall...fairly average for a woman. And I'm nothing if not average. ANYWAY. A man contacted me, sounded nice, looked nice, and his profile showed his height at 5'7. A little on the short side of what I prefer...but what the hell (I thought at the time). I meet him...he's shorter than I am.
One of the gentlemen I'm CURRENTLY dating purports himself as 5'10...but we stand eye to eye. So he went a little beyond the normal 2 inch addition. *sigh*
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Did they think I wouldn't notice?
And the women...most often, if their profile says "average", you can bet they could stand to drop about 15lbs. And if they say they have "a few extra pounds"...WHOO BOY! There's a full-figured girl just a-waitin' in the wings.
Don't get me wrong...I am a full-figured woman. Curvaceous. Voluptuous, perhaps. I could stand to lose some weight. But I've got curves in all the right places. And no lack of available suitors.
**Note to self: JLo called, she wants her ass back.
Then again, that's something that's right up for everyone to see before they even contact me.
So I can feel good about that. I figure the really skinny girls are the only ones telling the truth.
And a message to all the rat-faced corporate drones at UPS:
YOU ARE DIRTY BASTARDS.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Today I'm feeling a bit snarky.
Mmmm...snarky. Isn't that a lovely word? We don't use it nearly enough here in the ol' U.S. of A.
We're more likely to "open up a can o' whoopass" or tell you "how the cow ate the cabbage" here in OkieLand.
But as my heritage includes English, Irish, German (and a teeny bit of Italian thrown in just for spice)...I feel I'm entitled to be snarky upon occasion.
So there.
For those of you who are new here (as am I, to blogger.com, anyway), you may be interested to know about an experiment I'm anxious to try.
So maybe I'll tell you about it...tomorrow. Or the next day. When I feel like it.
Couple random thoughts...
As someone who has swum the murky waters of online dating for awhile now, I've discovered two unerring consistencies:
Men lie about their height.
Women lie about their weight.
Now I ask you, blogreader divine, what's the point here? If the two someones in question decide to meet...won't that put paid to any misrepresentation? And then you have one or more very disappointed someones...and no hope for the future. Because first of all you're a big fat liar, and second of all you're probably not exactly what the other was looking for anyway.
READING BETWEEN THE LINES: If a man is, in reality, under 6ft. tall...just deduct two inches from what he says his height is. For example, I myself am 5ft 6 inches tall...fairly average for a woman. And I'm nothing if not average. ANYWAY. A man contacted me, sounded nice, looked nice, and his profile showed his height at 5'7. A little on the short side of what I prefer...but what the hell (I thought at the time). I meet him...he's shorter than I am.
One of the gentlemen I'm CURRENTLY dating purports himself as 5'10...but we stand eye to eye. So he went a little beyond the normal 2 inch addition. *sigh*
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Did they think I wouldn't notice?
And the women...most often, if their profile says "average", you can bet they could stand to drop about 15lbs. And if they say they have "a few extra pounds"...WHOO BOY! There's a full-figured girl just a-waitin' in the wings.
Don't get me wrong...I am a full-figured woman. Curvaceous. Voluptuous, perhaps. I could stand to lose some weight. But I've got curves in all the right places. And no lack of available suitors.
**Note to self: JLo called, she wants her ass back.
Then again, that's something that's right up for everyone to see before they even contact me.
So I can feel good about that. I figure the really skinny girls are the only ones telling the truth.
And a message to all the rat-faced corporate drones at UPS:
YOU ARE DIRTY BASTARDS.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Monday, December 13, 2004
A red-letter day in Okie radio history (/sarcasm)
News from RadioBizarro.
Do you have a favorite radio show that you listen to regularly? I do. It's Lisa & Ron...they're on every weekday morning from 6am to 9:30am.
I've listened to them for, oh, I'd say about 5 years or so. I've even changed radio stations with them when they moved. Evidently, there have been a lot of strange things going on behind the scenes.
This morning, the alarm went off at about 6:15am as usual, and the radio was set to KQOB (also as usual). I reached over to hit the snooze, when I heard Lisa...and she sounded drunk off her ass. And tired, very very tired. No Ron. Hm. I hesitated before hitting the snooze button...and I heard Lisa say, "I wish Ron would come in here right now so I could tell him what a DICK I think he is, right to his face."
Well now. That was certainly an eye-opener. I no longer needed the snooze button. So I lay in bed a few minutes, listening in growing horror. I felt as though I were witnessing it with my own eyes, and I was just sick sick sick. It was the saddest, most pathetic, most awful, pitiful thing I've ever heard. I was embarrassed for Lisa. AND Ron.
Here is a little more of what she had to say:
"Y'know, I've found out that Ron has tried to get me fired and/or replaced at least three times for certain. And he wants to get rid of Toof (the producer of their show) as well. I picked him to be my cohost 7 years ago, while sitting at a Waffle House restaurant. NOT ONCE has he ever even thanked me. So he wants me gone. Y'know, I wish I'd never left the old place (insert~Lisa & Ron had the #1 radio morning show at KRXO for the last few years, then last year about this time they moved to KQOB for reasons that have not been made clear to the public. Ron convinced Lisa to make the move...they had much more freedom & less censorship at the old station). If Ron would have complained about me missing work at the old place, the boss would've just said, 'Deal with it' and that would've been the end of it. Now that coward won't even come in here to face me in the studio.
(in the background right about then, the news lady, Shawn, said, "This is embarrassing" in a dead sort of voice. I had to agree, I was embarrassed for them as well.)
Ron, why don't you have the balls to come in here? You can't face me? I cannot work with such a snake ever again. This is such sh...crap. All you ever do is think about how to get more girls on your arm and add to your 'pussy pool'. That's all you ever talk about. I've been faking this thing for a good three years, being 'close' to you. You're nothing but a snake and a coward. So, Oklahoma City, I love you. This is my last day on the radio. You know, I've been through three of the most stressful events in the last year...moving, divorce, and changing jobs. And I haven't talked much about it on the air but one of the reasons for the divorce was that I got beat up & he broke my nose. And all I ever hear is "Shake it off, shake it off". How am I supposed to shake that off? When I was hospitalized with pneumonia, did Ron come and visit? Or send a card? No. Some of you think he's such a great guy...he's not. All he did was cry about having to do the show by himself.
I see you standing out there, Ron, come on in here and take over. I just want to go home. I want to go home if ANYONE will come in here and take over. I'm waiting for the police to come and drag me out of here, which I'm sure will happen at any time. But I can't abandon the studio. WHY won't someone come in here and actually WORK?"
Wow.
She kept on in the same vein for quite some time. Each time she'd go to commercial, I was completely surprised to hear her come back on the air. I figured they'd have pulled the plug LONG before they did. But someone~the engineers, other producers, whatever, whomoever~just let her keep going. I don't know if she came to work drunk & that's why they were going to fire her, or if she was sick & on medications & called in & they threatened her with her job...or if she was drunk because she KNEW that she was going to be fired, or what.
Eventually, she played a song...and at the end of the song there was 30 minutes of dead air on that station. Amazing. Made me wonder about that station...the company owns several other radio stations...why couldn't someone come in and cover? Took 'em nearly a half-hour just to put on some music. Dead Air=Death Knell.
Needless to say, there was no morning show today. Ron never even came on the air.
All I can say is that I was HORRIFIED. And very sad for her. It was a real-life drama unlike anything I'd ever heard before. I STILL don't know what to make of it...it was simply awful. I'm going to go check the station's website to see if the PR department has issued a statement or anything.
Oh, and a side note~I've met RON BENTON. Lisa had the right of it...he IS sort of a dickhead. I certainly wasn't impressed with him...he used to come into where I used to work every Friday or so with a group of his friends and hangers-on...he's a Jerky Boy if ever there was one.
Do you have a favorite radio show that you listen to regularly? I do. It's Lisa & Ron...they're on every weekday morning from 6am to 9:30am.
I've listened to them for, oh, I'd say about 5 years or so. I've even changed radio stations with them when they moved. Evidently, there have been a lot of strange things going on behind the scenes.
This morning, the alarm went off at about 6:15am as usual, and the radio was set to KQOB (also as usual). I reached over to hit the snooze, when I heard Lisa...and she sounded drunk off her ass. And tired, very very tired. No Ron. Hm. I hesitated before hitting the snooze button...and I heard Lisa say, "I wish Ron would come in here right now so I could tell him what a DICK I think he is, right to his face."
Well now. That was certainly an eye-opener. I no longer needed the snooze button. So I lay in bed a few minutes, listening in growing horror. I felt as though I were witnessing it with my own eyes, and I was just sick sick sick. It was the saddest, most pathetic, most awful, pitiful thing I've ever heard. I was embarrassed for Lisa. AND Ron.
Here is a little more of what she had to say:
"Y'know, I've found out that Ron has tried to get me fired and/or replaced at least three times for certain. And he wants to get rid of Toof (the producer of their show) as well. I picked him to be my cohost 7 years ago, while sitting at a Waffle House restaurant. NOT ONCE has he ever even thanked me. So he wants me gone. Y'know, I wish I'd never left the old place (insert~Lisa & Ron had the #1 radio morning show at KRXO for the last few years, then last year about this time they moved to KQOB for reasons that have not been made clear to the public. Ron convinced Lisa to make the move...they had much more freedom & less censorship at the old station). If Ron would have complained about me missing work at the old place, the boss would've just said, 'Deal with it' and that would've been the end of it. Now that coward won't even come in here to face me in the studio.
(in the background right about then, the news lady, Shawn, said, "This is embarrassing" in a dead sort of voice. I had to agree, I was embarrassed for them as well.)
Ron, why don't you have the balls to come in here? You can't face me? I cannot work with such a snake ever again. This is such sh...crap. All you ever do is think about how to get more girls on your arm and add to your 'pussy pool'. That's all you ever talk about. I've been faking this thing for a good three years, being 'close' to you. You're nothing but a snake and a coward. So, Oklahoma City, I love you. This is my last day on the radio. You know, I've been through three of the most stressful events in the last year...moving, divorce, and changing jobs. And I haven't talked much about it on the air but one of the reasons for the divorce was that I got beat up & he broke my nose. And all I ever hear is "Shake it off, shake it off". How am I supposed to shake that off? When I was hospitalized with pneumonia, did Ron come and visit? Or send a card? No. Some of you think he's such a great guy...he's not. All he did was cry about having to do the show by himself.
I see you standing out there, Ron, come on in here and take over. I just want to go home. I want to go home if ANYONE will come in here and take over. I'm waiting for the police to come and drag me out of here, which I'm sure will happen at any time. But I can't abandon the studio. WHY won't someone come in here and actually WORK?"
Wow.
She kept on in the same vein for quite some time. Each time she'd go to commercial, I was completely surprised to hear her come back on the air. I figured they'd have pulled the plug LONG before they did. But someone~the engineers, other producers, whatever, whomoever~just let her keep going. I don't know if she came to work drunk & that's why they were going to fire her, or if she was sick & on medications & called in & they threatened her with her job...or if she was drunk because she KNEW that she was going to be fired, or what.
Eventually, she played a song...and at the end of the song there was 30 minutes of dead air on that station. Amazing. Made me wonder about that station...the company owns several other radio stations...why couldn't someone come in and cover? Took 'em nearly a half-hour just to put on some music. Dead Air=Death Knell.
Needless to say, there was no morning show today. Ron never even came on the air.
All I can say is that I was HORRIFIED. And very sad for her. It was a real-life drama unlike anything I'd ever heard before. I STILL don't know what to make of it...it was simply awful. I'm going to go check the station's website to see if the PR department has issued a statement or anything.
Oh, and a side note~I've met RON BENTON. Lisa had the right of it...he IS sort of a dickhead. I certainly wasn't impressed with him...he used to come into where I used to work every Friday or so with a group of his friends and hangers-on...he's a Jerky Boy if ever there was one.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
And then there were two...
Hello, and welcome to the newest addition to my blog collection.
"Why on earth," you may exclaim, "do you need yet another blog?"
Simple answer: because BLOGGER is coooooool. I likee. Oh, and of course, the fact that I frequently need the validation of fresh perspectives from readers like yourself.
You won't always understand me...therein lies my mystery.
*snortle*
Yeah, right.
ANYWAY.
The BLOGGER blogs are the bloggiest blogs...and I want mine to look pretty. So there.
So some of the entries you'll be seeing will be real-time, true-time, prime-time...and some will be transfers of my favourites from my "other" blog.
So hello, welcome, aloha, etc etc etc...come back soon. I promise to have (interesting? maddening? annoying? fresh?) things to say. Sometimes. Upon occasion, anyway. FOR SURE at least once in awhile.
"Why on earth," you may exclaim, "do you need yet another blog?"
Simple answer: because BLOGGER is coooooool. I likee. Oh, and of course, the fact that I frequently need the validation of fresh perspectives from readers like yourself.
You won't always understand me...therein lies my mystery.
*snortle*
Yeah, right.
ANYWAY.
The BLOGGER blogs are the bloggiest blogs...and I want mine to look pretty. So there.
So some of the entries you'll be seeing will be real-time, true-time, prime-time...and some will be transfers of my favourites from my "other" blog.
So hello, welcome, aloha, etc etc etc...come back soon. I promise to have (interesting? maddening? annoying? fresh?) things to say. Sometimes. Upon occasion, anyway. FOR SURE at least once in awhile.
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