"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"~~Lewis Carroll
"If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll be the only one not laughing."~~aka_monty
Happy Holidays, boys & girls! As you know, for some the holidays mean loneliness and sadness. I have a friend who works for a casket manufacturing company, and he tells me that this is their busiest time of the year. (that's sad, isn't it? But a little bit funny)
SO, in the interest of spreading a little holiday cheer, I've decided to share some of my favorite giggle-makers.
**DISCLAIMER: Any mistakes and/or misquotes are solely the fault of this author, for being too damn lazy to look them up properly.
YEAH, WRIGHT! (Stephen Wright is one of my favorites)
"I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"I bought some land. It was kind of cheap. It was on somebody else's property."
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
"I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, DIShonesty is the second-best policy."
"A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, 'He was a loner.' Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with."
"I think we should attack Russia now. They'd never expect it."
RODNEY DANGERFIELD, ANYONE?
"A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
SIGN, SIGN, EVERYWHERE A SIGN
In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
At a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." (well hell, and I was SO looking forward to giving birth on a barstool)
In a Laundry in Rhodes: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." (Count me IN!)
On a Viennese restaurant menu: Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep." (gee, wonder what they've got for DESSERT?)
A doctor's office in Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases." (I wonder if anyone has taken a cleaver to that guy yet?)
In a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." (I wonder how you smuggle a country through customs?)
At a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." (I don't know about you, but I don't really know that many women covered in fur)
LOONY LAWS~~that (sadly) are REAL.
In Macomb, Illinois, it's illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf.
It's illegal in Hartford, Connecticut to kiss your wife on a Sunday.
It's against the law in Kentucky to remarry the same man four times.
In Tennessee, it's against the law to shoot game other than whales from a moving car. (well hell, there go MY vacation plans)
It's illegal in Fairbanks, Alaska, for two moose to have sex on city sidewalks. (hey, I wonder what kind of fine that brings...and how they collect on it?)
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF "BABES" (supermodel commentary)
"I don't have to fake dumb. I AM dumb."~~Jerry Hall
I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."~~Linda Evangelista
"Blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired of talking about myself."~~Elle Macpherson
"I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like 3 Mercedes.' Then I understood."~~Brooke Shields
"I don't think I was born beautiful. I just think I was born me."~~Naomi Campbell
"I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am."~~Samantha Fox
"I look at modeling as something I'm doing for black people in general."~~Naomi Campbell
""I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."~~Linda Evangelista
A FEW BUMPER STICKERS...
I doubt, therefore I might be
Dyslexics Have More Fnu
The Gene Pool Could Use a Little Chlorine
Your Kid May Be an Honor Student but You're Still an Idiot
We Have Enough Youth, How About a Fountain of "Smart"?
The More You Complain, The Longer God Lets You Live
I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Out of Bed
Things to do today:
Live, love, and laugh
(Fun Factoid: In Venice, Venetian blinds are known as 'Persian blinds')