Saturday, September 30, 2006




are coming to town!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone wanna take an old fat broad to a concert?

I (blank) on the first date, you know.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

un poco de todo

or "Stuff you couldn't possibly care less about"

Sobe NO FEAR GOLD energy drink tastes like liquid ass.

According to a recent poll I have been wearing my "Are you a fucking IDIOT??!?" face all week.
I believe it became lodged there on Monday after nearly getting sideswiped three times in one day, because apparently I'm now driving an invisible car.

I think Tate Donovan is you-gee-ell-why.

Instead of a bobble-head doll, I think I should have a bobble-butt doll of me made.
Like a hula doll, only chubbier. And blonde.
Hey, there could be a market for those.
Perhaps in some tiny foreign country.
Or somewhere.

I get very sad and discouraged when you don't download Monty Does Mojo.

I get even more sad and discouraged when you don't listen to Monty Does Mojo on Sunday night at 8pm, and when you don't come and chat, and when you don't email me:

that is all.
have a day.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I think maybe I'm too picky.

I have a question to put to my dearly beloved friends who are educators.

Now, don't eat me, okay?
I know it's only fifth grade.
I know people make mistakes and typos and errors in sentence structure.
I do it all the time.

But if you're going to give a child a writing assignment as punishment, shouldn't it be error free?

Or am I picking nits?
I think maybe I just jumped right on the defensive because it was my kid.
Probably that's it.

Here's what my daughter brought home today, and she is supposed to copy it.

This is exactly as it appears:

Since I enjoy using the left hemisphere of my brain to talk and am not using the right spatial side of my brain for listening and learning, I have earned this writing assignment. Because I have demonstrated to Mrs. T******* that I have difficulty using self control where my mouth is concerned, and I continue to talk after numerous times of being asked by Mrs. T******* to be quite. I have trouble concentrating on my assignment or the lesson Mrs. T is trying to present. Instead of opening my mouth and insisting on talking out of turn I could concentrate on closing my mouth, learn to become a good and active listener, in order that I might gain a higher educational level. By learning at a higher level I assure myself that I will become a better citizen, get a better job, and have a brighter future in general. When I am asked by Mrs. T to be quiet I do not have trouble understanding what she is teaching or maybe assigning as class work. Yet, because I am making a conscious choice to not be quiet I have this writing assignment to remind me why I need to be a good and active listener while I am in Mrs. T's class. If this writing assignment does not get my attention that when Mrs. T asks for quiet and I refuse to give it to her I can expect that my parent(s) will be called. If my parents can't get my attention about my talking out of turn and it persists in Mrs. Thompson's room; then I will be sent to the principal's office where I will be given proper punishment for ignoring Mrs. T's instructions to be quiet, this writing assignment, and my parent's instructions. In order to complete this writing assignment I acknowledge that my parent(s), along with myself, have to sign and date this paper and that it is due no later than the day after it has been assigned. If I fail to bring this assignment back the day after it has been assigned and complete with parent(s) signature then my parent(s) will be called.

THAT is exactly how it appears (with the exception of the teacher's name, which I took out).
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to make her do it until it is typo-free, correctly punctuated, with sentence structure that can be understood.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Okay, my friends, you can let me have it. I can take it. It's okay.
I know I should not be fostering a disregard for an assignment.
Maybe I just don't like her teacher.
Maybe I'm just an asshole.
Probably that's it.

(and OH YEAH don't think the kid is getting off scot-free for talking too much in class. She's got trouble, the kind that has an M on both ends and and O in the middle)

U R $0 CRAY Z!!!111

Okay, so I had this bizarre dream the other night that I was standing around at a cocktail party or something with a big bunch of you and EVERYONE WAS USING CHATSPEAK.

You may wonder how, if we were having spoken conversation, I knew that they were using the loathed and reviled chatspeak.

Because everyone had FLUFFY WHITE SPEECH BALLOONS drifting out of their mouths and I could see the chatspeak.

It was awful.

See, this silvery white blob would drift out of your mouths, and then fill wi+# r3d L3++3rz 0f c#4+ 5p3aK.

I was entranced by the speech bubbles and until I deciphered what you were trying to say by reading it, I couldn't understand what you were speaking.

It was all...gobbledygook.


Whoever threw that party? Please do not ever invite me again.
Thank you.
That is all.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Can there be a warmer, fuzzier feeling than walking into a room and being greeted with hugs and kisses by people who know you, even though you've not met before?
Because I can tell you it feels just fine.
Being with people who know not only the best of you, but the worst of you...and they (appear to) like you anyway.

Such was the Okie Blogger Round Up.
I got to meet a true blogging icon (and a personal favorite of mine), Chaz. And Mike, who was responsible for most of the hard work in putting the event together.

There were so many wonderful bloggers there, and I was thrilled out of my shoes to finally meet STEPH and NETTL. We've been online friends for a long time, and I truly adore them both.
And then we got to meet, and I fell in love with them. They're FABULOUS.
Steph gave me a huge compliment when she said, "I knew you'd be just like this."

I yam what I yam, sez I. What you read is what you get.
I, naturally, was at the loud & boisterous table.
I can't decide if it was loud & boisterous because I was there, or if I was simply drawn to it because of the laughter and noise.

Okay, I'm totally lying.
I am very loud and obnoxious, so that's the real reason. I hope I didn't embarrass the rest of my table too much.
If I did...screw you.

I was also overjoyed to spend time with one of my favorite favorite people (that I have met before), BRIAN from Audience Of One.
It's always a wonderful, wonderful treat to spend time with him. He's one of those nice, kind people who is truly nice and kind.
AND I got the added Super Bonus of meeting Terri, Brian's Mystery Girl. (you may envy me now)
She's everything he described and more, she's gorgeous and smart, funny, and just a nice lady. They make a stunning couple, and I sincerely hope a Happily Ever After for those two.

OH and PLUS I won an award! Yes, yes I did.
Best Audio Blog.
Evidently my terrible singing of silly songs for the Blogathon has paid off in more ways that one. GO ME!
For a complete list of weiners, go see The Danz Family.

Then my Rubber Duck trophy(being mine and immediately taking on the attributes of its owner) promptly seduced Brian's trophy, buying him drinks and getting him drunk...then they got Chaz's Rubber Ducky to join in for a drunken threesome.
Those rubber ducks simply have no shame whatsoever.

I hope to have a picture post of the whole debacle, but here's a hint of how things were going...


There is no controlling drunken duckies. Am I right, or am I right, Brando Ducky Dear? (and is weird that I thought of you whilst the Rubber Ducks cavorted? Because I did)

There were many other bloggers there that I was so happy to finally meet, and I'm hoping to have more time later to share the link love.

It was the best time I've had in ages.

P.S. In case you missed the show last night (shame on you!):

Click here to get your own player.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Aw, you know what time it is...

8PM 7:30PM CST ('cause I talked so much I ran over my time slot).

Be there if you wanna hang with the cool kids.

TUNE IT IN HERE or maybe even HERE.

COME CHAT WITH US HERE during the show.

Please SEND ME MAIL for next week.

Thank you.
That is all. For the moment. Until I collect my thoughts.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

this is an audio post - click to play


There were friends, well-met.
There was wine.
There was laughter.
There was wine.
There was an award for me!
There was wine.
There was drunken duck porn.
There was wine.
There may be pictures, but I forgot my camera so I'm relying on Steph & Brian for those. Of the duck porn, I mean.
Did I mention the wine?



Friday, September 22, 2006

Just a quick warning..

If you think that you may see me at the OKIE BLOGGER ROUND-UP tomorrow, keep this in mind: since I quit smoking I have gained a LO-HOOOT of weight.
Yes, I have bypassed voluptuosity (I don't even think that's a real word, but so what) and moved into Fatty McFatterson territory. My ass has assumed EPIC PROPORTIONS and I don't want anyone pointing and laughing (or blogging) about it.

In fact, I had almost decided not to attend, but my eagerness to mix with my fellow local bloggers shunted aside my vanity and so I will go.

I'm guessing it's going to be FANTASTICALLY FUN.
See you there.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Fake Thursday SomethingTeen

Okay, so I was going to do the Thursday Thirteen thingy, but there were too many rules to read about joining and something about comments being off or on and quite frankly I'm already so far behind in my work that I didn't have time to read it.
Perhaps next time.
If I meet the criteria (see, that's part of what I didn't have time to read through)(somehow I thought it would be much simpler)(but we all know I'm technologically challenged anyway and don't understand stuff).
If I was smart enough to figure out all the stuff going to play, here's what my list would be:

"Thirteen Handy-Dandy Hints For Everyone Thinking Of Auditioning For Survivor"

1. Learn to make fire, using just wood and coconut fluff-stuff. Practice, practice, practice making fire.

2. Learn to make fire, using a flint and knife. Practice, practice, practice making fire.
(seriously, have you never watched the show? For crap's sake)

3. Read some books on building simple shelter with bamboo and palm leaves. There is almost always bamboo and palm leaves.

4. PRACTICE building simple shelters. Practice, practice, practice.

5. Learn to fish. Part of learning to fish is learning to clean 'em & cook 'em up on the fire that you built out of just wood and coconut fluff-stuff.

6. Ladies, wax the pits & legs. A professional job would be best.

7. A bikini wax would not be amiss.

8. Men, wax the backs. This is actually good advice whether or not you decide to audition for Survivor. It should be part of your regular routine. Because ew.

9. When you find out you get picked, WEAR.APPROPRIATE.UNDERGARMENTS. The heavy duty kind might not be a bad idea. Leave the lacys at home.

10. Read some books on recognizing edible tropical plants. And bugs. Some of them might be tasty and packed full of protein. You never know.

11. Tone up a little. There will be a number of rigorous challenges. (Seriously, I ask you again--have you never watched the show?)

12. LEARN.TO.SWIM. Need I say more?

13. Read "101 Ways To Cook Coconut". It just makes good sense.

Please forgive me for the dearth of commenting lately. I am a terrible blog-friend.
And I've become a lurker, somehow.
I do, however, have a plan to correct this behavior. I'll tell you about it later.

That is all.
Have a day.

In which there is silliness

Part III of me and Buffy.
Actually, this is me and Spike. Give 'er a listen. BONUS TRACK: Bob Gentry!

Click here to get your own player.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Yesterday was National Talk Like A Pirate Day.
And I missed it. Boo.

Otherwise I would have said AVAST ye landlubbers! and AHOY there mateys! and But..WHERE'S THE RUM?!

(and where IS the rum, by the way? Because I need a drink)

This parrot has ceased to be.

Please go and wish a very, very happy birthday to my dear friend Nancy and her darling baby Alien of Now You Listen Here!
Nancy is 492 months old today!
The Alien is 7 months old today!


My "." came home! The prodigal "." is finally home, after going missing for a month and a half past curfew. Shame, shame.

At last I can properly punctuate again!
What a frockin' relief.

So, our GREAT STATE FAIR is here...and we own the dubious honor of hosting the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship.

I hoped thought it was a joke.
For crap's sake.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Am I Evil?

but first...
Got my MIXMANIA cd on Saturday...I love it! BIG THANKS to my match. I'd come thank you personally, but the list of players has disappeared.

Sometimes a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing...
especially in the wrong hands.

For example...
You know, I never check my stats. Okay, not never, but rarely. Say...once every 4-5-6-7 months. Or so.

But a week or so ago? I was just fart-assing around and decided to have a little look-see.
All the visitors that spent longer than a couple minutes here that day...well, I looked you up.
Sorry 'bout that.
I didn't mean to invade your privacy.

There were a few of you who spent your valuable work time here (naughty naughty!)...and sometimes, did you know? your work IP address takes me right to the company website!
And also did you know? that depending on where that company is located in this country, I can make a good guess (or at least narrow it down) as to whom the visitor was.
And did you know? that some of your company websites have employee lists, so that if I recognize any name on that list I might now be in possession of a phone number for you.

But you know me.
I would never take advantage of the situation. I would truthfully never share that information with anyone.
I wouldn't call you (without an invitation!), unless you totally piss me off on purpose or something.
So don't.
Piss me off, I mean.
Otherwise someone might call and ask if you have frog-legs and if so, do you have a hard time finding trousers that fit.

No, I guess I'm not evil. Dammit.

Oh, and if you got a lot of hang-up calls this week, or heavy breathing...
it so was not me.
Uh uh.
For reals. It wasn't.

In case you missed the show last night, you can make it up to me by downloading MONTY DOES MOJO right here from this handy-dandy podcatcher:

Click here to get your own player.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


8PM Central Standard time.

Be there if you wanna hang with the cool kids.
Plus there's some great music and dedications from me.

TUNE IT IN HERE or maybe even HERE.

COME CHAT WITH US HERE during the show.

Please SEND ME MAIL for next week, because I made a really cool mail intro out of sound clips and I want to play it.

Thank you.
That is all.
Enjoy the show. Even if it sucks.
Hey, I'm new.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

More True Confessions. Ain't that swell?

but first...
My pal JAMES just got his short story, The New Kid, published in SpineTingler Magazine.

How exciting is that????
Go give him a pat on the back, won't you???

I am addicted to pimiento cheese.
I eat it like dip.

With Wheat Thins.
Or sometimes Baked Lays Potato Chips.

I love Baked Lays Potato Chips.

Which may be one of the many, many, many reasons I joined Tan & Tone.

And not to tan, because I don't want any more wrinkles than I've already got.

I also love tuna.

Right now I'm wondering if tuna and pimiento cheese would be tasty together, because it sounds like it could be a delicious snack.

And I still don't get the Dewey Decimal System.

Have a day.
That is all.

I smoked a cigarette today. Bad toad.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Because it just makes good sense.

"If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” ~ Maya Angelou

Thank you, Mamacita. :)
Thank you, Jules. :)

DO I REALLY need to remind you to tune into KMRL for all your music needs?
Great music.
Great shows.
Great DJs (especially me, on Sunday at 8pm Central) (so be there)(or else Ima be mad)


Now, who wrote this?? And why would you consider it??

How To Dissuade Yourself From Becoming A Blogger

Hmph. Obviously NOT written by anyone who blogs.

Have a day.
That is all.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


You're really pissing me off today, world.

Something is out of balance, karmically...
Normally I'm cheerful. And for real cheerful, not just fake happy.

People whom I speak to regularly often tell me that my voice always sounds as though I'm laughing; usually, because I am.

Something is wrong.
I'm not cheerful. I'm not feeling it. I don't know why.

EVERYTHING is pissing me off.
I'm taking everything UTTERLY PERSONALLY.

I have already left three comments on three friend's blogs when I would have been better served by just clicking the "X". Did I? Noooooo, because I'm not that bright.

I'm sick of people throwing around words like "retard" and "cunt" everywhere in the blogosphere that I go.
My son is mentally retarded in addition to the CP, so it makes me sad that people (and CHILDREN) are throwing the word "retard" around it's okay.
I know I shouldn't be offended by it, it's just a "figure of speech" (or so I've been informed)...but today, I am offended.
I'm tired of women using the word "cunt" to describe other women. It's a nasty, gross-sounding word, and yes you're free to use any language that you choose, but to me it just shows ignorance that you can't use the English language any better than that to express your point.

Something is wrong. I need to figure out what it is.

It is entirely conceivable that I could alienate each and every one of my friends today. Evidently I've already made a good start on that.
I'm out of control.

So I will go crouch in the corner and rock, and disturb no-one further today.

Peace and love.



Horoscope For Aries:

"It's hard to keep your mouth shut today and this could lead to trouble. Perhaps you have already stirred up a bit of a conflict and if you aren't careful, you could make matters worse than you intend. You don't have to fight your way to success. Instead, take some time to enjoy yourself away from the hectic pace of your life."

I told you something was wrong.
How bizarre is that????

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


Lightning fast.
A tin with some gorgeous DISPLAY TEAS plus several samples of white, black, and green tea.

Go visit KASORA TEA and sign up for link rewards! Now I must go make a cuppa.

If you missed the show on Sunday night...

Click here to get your own player.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Mixed MIXMANIA Emotions

As my very wise friend Chaz of DUSTBURY.COM said:
"This isn't a day to point fingers: this is a day to bow heads."

Our MIXMANIA task for this month is all about MIXING our emotions regarding this day five short years ago.
JIM says our mix should be "Music that reflects your fear, your sadness, your rage, your confusion, your sympathy for the victims and their families, your sense of what the fuck or what the fuck is it now?"
For me, none of the emotions have faded.
They are still so deep and entangled that I am unable to articulate them well, even now, even with music.

I was/am enraged. Horrified. Shocked. Sad. Distraught. Pro-war. Anti-war. Everything all rolled up into one ME.

The emotions that loom largest are grief, the sense of tragedy and senselessness of the act; so many of my choices are ones that make me weepy or are just...senseless (ie Scream Thy Last Scream).
I ended up with a lot of Peter Gabriel & Pink Floyd, for some reason.

Of course, after I sent it, I thought of about 3 more songs I should've added.
Hope you enjoy it-or at least maybe relate to it, if you got mine.

Disc 1

1. Amazing Grace ~ Boyz II Men
2. One Tin Soldier ~ Coven
3. A Flight And A Crash ~ Hot Water Music
4. Bittersweet Symphony ~ The Verve
5. My Hand, My Heart ~ Russell Crowe
6. I Grieve ~ Peter Gabriel
7. Wish You Were Here ~ Pink Floyd
8. Forever Young ~ Joan Baez
9. Imagine (Acoustic Guitar) ~ John Lennon
10. Games Without Frontiers ~ Peter Gabriel
11. Full Of Grace ~ Sara McLachlan
12. Scream Thy Last Scream ~ Syd Barrett (w/Pink Floyd)
13. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me ~ George Michael (w/Elton John)
14. Killing In The Name Of... ~ Rage Against The Machine
15. The Fightin' Side Of Me ~ Merle Haggard
16. Adagio For Strings ~ Samuel Barber


1. Every Time We Say Goodbye ~ Nina Simone
2. War Again ~ Oingo Boingo
3. Dead Bodies Everywhere ~ KoRn
4. Goodbye Blue Sky ~ Pink Floyd
5. All Along The Watchtower ~ Jimi Hendrix
6. Winds Of Change ~ Scorpions
7. Nemo ~ Nightwish
8. Suite Madame Blue ~ Styx
9. God Bless The USA ~ Lee Greenwood

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Tonight's the night we'll make HIIIISTORY...

...Honey you and I
And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of time
And stay with you here tonight...

**Here's what my horoscope today reads:
"Today is the day to introduce your craziest ideas to the world."
Hmmm...but is the world really ready for that?

8PM Central Standard time.

Be there if you wanna hang with the cool kids.

TUNE IT IN HERE or maybe even HERE.

COME CHAT WITH US HERE during the show.

Please SEND ME MAIL for next week, because I made a really cool mail intro out of sound clips and I want to play it.

Thank you.
That is all.
Enjoy the show.

OH and P.S. THANKS TO MY SWEET PAL MIKEY for all the publicity. I ♥ you.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Dig it, baby.

SUNDAY. 8PM Central Time.
(that's 6pm California time, 9pm on the New York side)


(tune in 24 hours/day for the best music!)

Say, then you can brag to all your friends in the locker room how you spent the night with Monty.

Send requests, dedications, picks and pans, blog ads, whatev, TO THIS PLACE RIGHT HERE.

Come and join us IN THE FORUM. Sometimes funny things happen on the way there (hyuk hyuk).

**Angie, Janet, I've got a whole chunk of 80's just for you.


Thanks to the lovely GOLFWIDOW I discovered the luscious looking Free Tea! offer from KASORA.
They look lovely, and as much as I love coffee I do loves me some Green Tea in the evenings.

You should try it!
I'm looking forward to trying some new teas, you should try it too!

And don't these display teas look gorgeous?

Go visit KASORA.
That is all.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

In which there is crazy talk.

So okay.
Some days single parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Let me re-phrase that, because I don't think it's cracked up to be all that great. I don't remember thinking, as a child, "When I grow up I want to be a princess or a veterinarian or a single mom!"

Nearly every time I start writing a post about things of this nature they end up disappearing with a click of the DELETE button because they sound all whiny and complain-y to my eyes.
And MAN that shit gets on my nerves.

Mostly I'm happy (or at least content) with my lot in life, but some days this whole motherhood gig starts getting a little ragged around the edges.
Especially when there's no backup person. You know?
Somedays I just want to call for backup.

Today was one of those rare days when I wished that I was 16 again and my biggest problems were how high to style my hair (I had a 'poodle' perm, so HIGH), what shade of shimmery blue eyeshadow to wear (frosted midnight blue), whether or not I'd got the lead in that semester's play (yes), and if my boyfriend John H. was going to pick me up after school so we could go "drive around" (read: make out) before I had to go to work.

I did not get my wish.

So I present to you "Monty's Terrible, Awful, Very Bad Day"

This is what happens in your brain right before it short-circuits.

I woke up feeling ick, not really bad, just ick, you know? and to top that off I woke up late as well and crampy even though I skipped a period and it STILL hasn't shown up but my back hurt too and then I had NO COFFEE IN THE HOUSE and had to stumble to the shower with NO COFFEE and try to rush around and get dressed with half-open eyes and wake my daughter up so SHE could get dressed and she totally crawled out on the wrong side of the bed because she was rotten rotten rotten and every time I said anything to her, mostly "HURRY UP WE'RE RUNNING LATE", she gave me A LOOK like I had two heads or something and after a minute THAT LOOK was really starting to piss me off and I yelled something like "IMA BLISTER YOUR ASS if you don't get in gear!" because it had already taken more than 15 minutes to get two socks and ONLY ONE SHOE on because she fart-asses around and messes with her socks until I want to shake her and then she did THE LOOK at me again so I smacked her on top of the head when I went by and told her she'd better watch her Ps and Qs, Missy and then I'm still trying to get my SON awake and bathed...because I can't bathe him at night because he sweats and is stinky by morning anyway plus he wears a diaper so I can't send him to school smelling like pee, can I? and so HE is cranky too and he screeched and tried to bite me when I was taking his PJs off so he could go in the tub and he stiffened up so I couldn't get his shirt off and so I YELLED yes I YELLED at him to STOP IT because he was MAKING MOMMY VERY MAD and then I finally got him bathed and dressed and went to mix up his food and discovered that I was out of several of the veggies I needed (and yes I know I should have done it the night before but for once I didn't so shut your cakehole) and I didn't have time to go to the store before the bus came and MEANWHILE my daughter STILL DID NOT HAVE HER OTHER FUCKING SHOE ON so I yelled again and told her NO GAMEBOY or TV today and then I was rushing to get my shoes when I stubbed my toe and RIPPED THE TOENAIL OFF MY BABY TOE and unleashed a long string of cursewords that are best not repeated even if I COULD duplicate it all which I can't and so I hopped around trying not to cry and hollering nonsensical cursewords while my children stared at me, round eyed, and then the bus came and my son went to school without breakfast because I SUCK as a mother and DHS should probably come take my kids away anyhow and then I sent my daughter a-walkin' to school and she evidently forgave my bad behavior because she did our ritual look-back-wave-kiss-blow when she got a little down the street and so that made me feel better but then I had to rush to the grocery store to get the missing veggies (and I FORGOT TO GET COFFEE WHILE I WAS THERE) and then make up Bubby's food and drive it to his school, so I was late for work anyway, and then I had to TURN AROUND AND GO BACK HOME because I'd left my work there and needed to take it to the studio so then I was really late for work and guess what I STILL HAD NO COFFEE and didn't want to take the time to stop which was actually sort of stupid since I was already late but I didn't want to be any later and then my head was hurting and I still felt ick and wanted to go back to bed but then I got to work and I think some other bad stuff happened that I didn't write down here but there was just so much of it that it got lost.

The end.

Thank God there are only 24 hours in a day

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


My pretend boyfriend WAI is here today!
He's got something to vent, and since he doesn't blog (O! The Horror!), he asked if he could borrow my place today.

Obviously I said yes.
In case you were wondering.

**Note: I have never been to New Jersey, so I cannot verify the accuracy of the following statements. However, if you substitute OKLAHOMA or TEXAS for every New Jersey, then yeah. It's spot on.

by Wai

"I really can’t stand New Jersey drivers. A NHTSA survey has shown that they
are, by far, THE worst fucking drivers in this country.

Driving home this weekend (and every time I’m driving) on the New Jersey
Turnpike, I lost count of how many times one of these fuckheads came zooming
up my ass and then cutting over into the lane on my left or on my right at
the last second. Let me say it again. They come zooming up my ass and then
pass me on either side at the last possible second. WHEN THERE’S NO-ONE IN
THE EITHER LANE from the time I see them in my rearview mirror 100 yards
back to the time they pass me.

That’s because I’ve discovered that MOST of New Jersey’s drivers do not look
more than 50 feet in front of their cars, even though they’re traveling at
80 miles per hour. Eighty fucking miles per hour, and they’re only looking
50 feet in front of their cars.

Then there’s times when I’m passing in the left lane and some fuckhead
tailgates me until I move back over to let him pass, and the stupid asshole
just fucking sits there next to me in the left lane. And as I’m approaching
the car in front of me, I step on the gas to move to pass and the stupid
mother-fucker speeds up and blocks me from passing - almost.

And my personal favorite - I just fucking love when I’m cruising in the left
lane (because some stretches of road allows that) and some fuckwad zooms
right up my ass, I move over to let him pass, and the stupid mother-fucker
passes me, gets into my lane 20 feet in front of me and fucking slows down.
The stupid mother-fucker actually fucking slows down. And when I move to
pass, the mother-fucker speeds up. WTF??

And oh yeah, here’s a public service message to these stupid fucksticks: THE
given you some valuable knowledge, but I doubt you’ll be smart enough to do
anything with it.

You know, I could have written this in a humorous light, but these assholes
are putting other people’s lives at risk and there is definitely no humor in

Now learn to fucking drive."

Considering I nearly got sideswiped TWICE today, I can only offer enthusiastic applause.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I'm IT. Goody.

TAGGED! by Life Through My eyes. (She's relatively new to me but I already love her. Go say hello, won't you?)

Four Jobs I’ve Had:
1. Waitress (considering how little I like people, this was actually a favorite job)
2. Telemarketer (shut up, I was a young bride and needed the $$)
3. General Manager for Studio 6 and La Quinta Inns. (I do NOT miss it)
4. Writer/Photographer for an internet-based company. (yeah, it sounds fancy, doesn't it? It's really not)

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over:
1. Waiting For Guffman
2. Any Monty Python movie
3. Sense & Sensibility
4. Con Air (the most delicious Nicholas Cage ever)
(and four is really not a sufficient length for this particular topic)

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. Oklahoma City, OK
2. North Carolina (I was very young, I'm a little vague on the deets)
3. Luther, OK
4. Edmond, OK (do you see a pattern here???)

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Gilmore Girls
3. Boston Legal
4. CSI: (I prefer the original, but I'll watch any of them)

Four Places I Have Been on Vacation:
1. Daytona Beach, FL (and Disneyworld)
2. Wasco, CA (and Disneyland)
3. Irmo, SC (for OkraStrut!)
4. Dallas, TX (and Six Flags! And the West End! and...)

Four Websites I Visit Every Day:
1. BLOGLINES (to read all of you, natch)
2. My Yahoo
4. GMail

Four Favorite Foods:
1. Mom's Homemade Caesar Salad
2. Butterfly Shrimp from King Wah
3. Italian Chicken a la Monty
4. Cheddar Peppers from The Crack House

Four Places I’d Like to be Right Now:
1. Any beach where there is hot sand and the scent of ocean
2. On a Caribbean cruise.
3. Visiting one of you guys.
4. All of the above, with all of you.

Four People I’m Tagging:
No, no no nononono.
Feel free to play along, and leave me a comment if you do so that I can admire your work.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Just out of curiosity...

Have you ever pretended to be talking on your cell phone in order to avoid conversation with someone...

....and then been totally busted when the phone actually rang?


Yeah no, me neither.
I was just wondering.
Mmmm hmmm.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

For the Pod People. You're weird.

but first...

Mmmm...are we the only state that has a hash pipe on our emblem?

Is all I'm wondering.

and then...
When I was a young lassie, I had a huge crush on BILLY BATSON (Michael Gray)
Shazam, baby. Mmmm.

More Pod. Just what you wanted, yes?

Click here to get your own player.

Saturday, September 02, 2006


I'm always, always shocked at the sound of my voice when I hear it on the podcast.
It is so annoying and...and nasally. And a little whiny, if you ask me.

See, in my head, my voice is

Apparently in reality "husky" only applies to my thighs and ass.

It is time once again to cast your votes (ONLY OKIES are ELIGIBLE TO VOTE, sorry!):

And thank you, to whomever nominated me. Thank you very much.

If you will visit the other nominees, you will see that I am completely sincere when I say it is an honor to be named alongside them.

Thanks, lovies. I mean that.
Now go vote. And you don't even have to vote for me.

OH and PS: I opened this page in IE and none of the pictures show up. Anyone else having this problem, or should I just take a page from Miss Cellania's book and shoot my computer?

Friday, September 01, 2006

September ALREADY??

A Perfect Post

I always have a difficult time deciding on the post to which I'd like to award this..award.
There are so many wonderful posts from so many wonderful people that touch me in so many wonderful ways.
In the end, I usually narrow it down to 3 or 4 of my favorite favorites for that month, close my eyes, and pick one.

This award, however, is for a post that caught my eye and my heart the first time I read it.
It is poignant and chilling, it made my heart and soul ache for the child in that story.

In fact, the author of this post (originally called I'd like you to write about living on a boat and if you ever took solace in watching manatees swim through the water) is KAT.

She is one of the most talented writers that it has ever been my incredible good fortune to run across. In fact, she was one of the first people I read regularly when I first entered the blogosphere (and had I any aspirations toward being a writer-which I definitely do not-I would have been quite intimidated and given up before I got started).

Me love her loooooooong time.

Her writing is prose, are transported directly into every story where you can stand aside and watch as though you're separated from the scene by only the thinnest membrane of reality.
Are the stories true?
I can't tell. And that's one of the best parts~I'm always left wondering.

Kat has given me goosebumps, heartaches, tears, and much laughter. She seems mysterious to me, and I enjoy that about her.
She knows how to be silly and abstract and surreal, and I enjoy that about her too.

Plus I've seen pictures, and she's gorgeous. A total package.

You are truly, truly missing something very special if you don't visit Kat.
And read THIS POST.

(OH and do yourself a favor and read the Alpha-Bits post too)

in other news...

I'm going to have lunch with my darling pal ROSE today.
This makes Monty very happy.