Thursday, September 07, 2006

In which there is crazy talk.

So okay.
Some days single parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Wait.
Let me re-phrase that, because I don't think it's cracked up to be all that great. I don't remember thinking, as a child, "When I grow up I want to be a princess or a veterinarian or a single mom!"
Nope.

Nearly every time I start writing a post about things of this nature they end up disappearing with a click of the DELETE button because they sound all whiny and complain-y to my eyes.
And MAN that shit gets on my nerves.

Mostly I'm happy (or at least content) with my lot in life, but some days this whole motherhood gig starts getting a little ragged around the edges.
Especially when there's no backup person. You know?
Somedays I just want to call for backup.

Today was one of those rare days when I wished that I was 16 again and my biggest problems were how high to style my hair (I had a 'poodle' perm, so HIGH), what shade of shimmery blue eyeshadow to wear (frosted midnight blue), whether or not I'd got the lead in that semester's play (yes), and if my boyfriend John H. was going to pick me up after school so we could go "drive around" (read: make out) before I had to go to work.

I did not get my wish.

So I present to you "Monty's Terrible, Awful, Very Bad Day"

This is what happens in your brain right before it short-circuits.



I woke up feeling ick, not really bad, just ick, you know? and to top that off I woke up late as well and crampy even though I skipped a period and it STILL hasn't shown up but my back hurt too and then I had NO COFFEE IN THE HOUSE and had to stumble to the shower with NO COFFEE and try to rush around and get dressed with half-open eyes and wake my daughter up so SHE could get dressed and she totally crawled out on the wrong side of the bed because she was rotten rotten rotten and every time I said anything to her, mostly "HURRY UP WE'RE RUNNING LATE", she gave me A LOOK like I had two heads or something and after a minute THAT LOOK was really starting to piss me off and I yelled something like "IMA BLISTER YOUR ASS if you don't get in gear!" because it had already taken more than 15 minutes to get two socks and ONLY ONE SHOE on because she fart-asses around and messes with her socks until I want to shake her and then she did THE LOOK at me again so I smacked her on top of the head when I went by and told her she'd better watch her Ps and Qs, Missy and then I'm still trying to get my SON awake and bathed...because I can't bathe him at night because he sweats and is stinky by morning anyway plus he wears a diaper so I can't send him to school smelling like pee, can I? and so HE is cranky too and he screeched and tried to bite me when I was taking his PJs off so he could go in the tub and he stiffened up so I couldn't get his shirt off and so I YELLED yes I YELLED at him to STOP IT because he was MAKING MOMMY VERY MAD and then I finally got him bathed and dressed and went to mix up his food and discovered that I was out of several of the veggies I needed (and yes I know I should have done it the night before but for once I didn't so shut your cakehole) and I didn't have time to go to the store before the bus came and MEANWHILE my daughter STILL DID NOT HAVE HER OTHER FUCKING SHOE ON so I yelled again and told her NO GAMEBOY or TV today and then I was rushing to get my shoes when I stubbed my toe and RIPPED THE TOENAIL OFF MY BABY TOE and unleashed a long string of cursewords that are best not repeated even if I COULD duplicate it all which I can't and so I hopped around trying not to cry and hollering nonsensical cursewords while my children stared at me, round eyed, and then the bus came and my son went to school without breakfast because I SUCK as a mother and DHS should probably come take my kids away anyhow and then I sent my daughter a-walkin' to school and she evidently forgave my bad behavior because she did our ritual look-back-wave-kiss-blow when she got a little down the street and so that made me feel better but then I had to rush to the grocery store to get the missing veggies (and I FORGOT TO GET COFFEE WHILE I WAS THERE) and then make up Bubby's food and drive it to his school, so I was late for work anyway, and then I had to TURN AROUND AND GO BACK HOME because I'd left my work there and needed to take it to the studio so then I was really late for work and guess what I STILL HAD NO COFFEE and didn't want to take the time to stop which was actually sort of stupid since I was already late but I didn't want to be any later and then my head was hurting and I still felt ick and wanted to go back to bed but then I got to work and I think some other bad stuff happened that I didn't write down here but there was just so much of it that it got lost.

The end.

Thank God there are only 24 hours in a day
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