For crap's sake.

but first...
It is impossible NOT to eat candy when there is a big ass bag of it in the living room and your kids are asleep.

---

"I feel like a defective typewriter. I skipped a period."~~Rizzo, Grease

I hear you, Riz.
I think I must be going through 'the change' early or something.
All the PMS...but that was it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiit.

And no, I'm not pregnant.
Not unless some wires got crossed somewhere and I got the Immaculate Conception.

But I'm pretty sure God and I are close enough that he knows I'm not a viable candidate.

---

Now, I'm wondering if ol' Albert was the best choice in campaign managers...

---

Perhaps I should stick with my original choice. He seems to carry more weight with the majority.

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN

...to all you creepy freakish wonderful people!

MOMS & DADS: Don't forget to pick all the good stuff out of the candy bags first, on the pretext of "checking it for safety reasons".

Checklist:
Toilet Paper
Rotten Eggs
Flour in a sock (with pennies added for you bullies out there)
Soap
Shoe Polish
Shaving Cream
(does anyone still collect for UNICEF on Hallowe'en anymore?)

All you need for a lovely night out. ;)

---

TOP 10 SIGNS that you're TOO OLD to Trick-or-Treat:

10. You get winded from knocking
on the door.

9. You have to have another kid
chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy
only.

7. When someone drops a candy
bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick
or ...." and can't remember the rest.


4. By the end of the night, you have
a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a
costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in
the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one sign that you're too old to Trick-or-Treat...

1. You keep having to go home to pee

---

Have a safe and happy Hallowe'en!

All dressed up and nowhere to go...but trick-or-treating

But first...
Am I the only person who buys toilet paper every single time I go into the grocery store, whether I need it or not?
Am I some kind of TP hoarder?

---

...and then...
Don't forget about Time Travel...that one time each year when we get a real live do-over. At least, we can do over the hour between 1am & 2am. So if you're going to screw up big, do it then, so you can pull a Groundhog Day.
I'm just sayin'.

---

I'm sick, I tell you...I spent HALF of my cigarette money on LOTTERY TICKETS.
Okay, so it was only $2, but still.

---

In honor of the upcoming holiday of Hallowe'en, I will now begin our Horror Feature presentation, entitled "Faces of Monty".
Graphics not for the faint of heart. If you have a heart condition or are in poor health, please exit the theater immediately.
Please turn off all cell-phones and pagers.
Thank you
~~The Management

---

Okay, this costume got a lot of wear. Dance recital, my Hallowe'en costume...and once we even dressed my brother up in it for Hallowe'en. He has, however, forbidden me to post that particular picture. Sorry.

---

My one and only "bought" costume. Man, that plastic face totally creeps me out. *shudder*

---

Hey Mr. KotTER!
My family says this picture makes me look like Gabe Kaplan. And my brother was actually a hockey player (Go Blazers!), not Jason Voorhees.
Funny story...
I went to my Grandma's house in this costume, and my uncle was handing out candy. He dropped the candy in my bag without a flicker of recognition. I returned to my mom (a few houses away) and told her the story. She sent me back to grandma's to try again. My uncle said, "Say, weren't you just here?"
Like a good little soldier, I kept my mouth shut.
My uncle turned away, so I opened the door and went inside. My uncle said, "What are you doing? You shouldn't walk into stranger's houses."
I managed, somehow, to control my giggles and kept a straight face.
I walked into the kitchen and heard my uncle telling my grandma that "This kid just followed me in and won't leave."
My beloved grandma proceeded to give me a stern lecture on the dangers of walking into people's houses, and told me that I must leave IMMEDIATELY, because my parents were probably worried.
Then I started laughing, and the jig was up.
Okay, so it's a funny story to me. Shut up.

---

"The Clumsy Custard Horror Show"
I just added these in for fun and because I already had the scanner on.

From Princess....


...to scullery maid.
Story of my life.

---

That concludes today's special Horror Feature. Please deposit all trash into the receptacles located near each exit door.
Thank you
~~The Management

Getting my comeuppance.

Tomorrow...the Halloween Costume Post...

---

ME: Daughter, you are going to have to learn to BE QUIET in class! You have a B- in conduct. Your teacher says that you need to be more organized and turn your work in on time...and yesterday morning I pulled THREE pieces of unfinished homework out of your bag. You 'forgot' to turn them in today, even though they were in your backpack. Now they're two days late. What can I do to help you remember your responsibilities?


ME: Your grades are down. You are not finishing your work in a timely manner, because you are wasting time. And 'messing around', as you put it.
How can we fix this?

---

telephone rings
ME: Yeah?

MY MOTHER: Hey, I was just looking through some stuff today, and I came across your 5th grade report card.
The teacher wrote that you needed to pay more attention in class, and be more concerned with your OWN work than your neighbor's. Oh, and you needed to stop talking out of turn.
And you got a C in conduct. And penmanship.
Just thought you might want to know.

ME: *sigh*

---

ME: Daughter, I'm sorry.

Flashback Thursday Time!

Bet you thought I forgot, dincha?

No such luck.

---

But first...
My family members can make me laugh so hard I nearly pee my pants.
They're just like me, only worse. (or better, depending on where you're standing)
So far, being the boss of my sister has been pretty fun.
She knows I'll tell mom if she gives me any shit. ;)

---

On this day in history...
Evidently I used to spend a lot of time posting my creepy, weird dreams.
Evidently I have a lot of creepy, weird dreams.

So here you go:

---

I wanted to post what I can remember of my nightmare last night.
Spooky.
Kept me awake for a bit.

I don't remember large parts of it...but I guess it was Halloween. I was dressed in some kind of costume with a skirt (that incidentally kept getting caught up in the back of my tights every time I went to the bathroom)(which is a fear of mine in real life)
I was taking my daughter to drop her off at a halloween party at church...and during this time I kept feeling deja vu...and 'remembering' doing the same thing LAST halloween...and being afraid that the thing that chased me last year would come after me again this year.
So I dropped her off at the church, got lost trying to EXIT the church (same as 'last year')...on my way out there was a group of people talking, one girl was saying "This is fucking boring" or something. I was aghast that she'd say that in a church, especially since she said it really loud.
I finally make my way out, to my car...and I'm sitting in my car in the dark parking lot, waiting.
And it came.
Whatever chased me 'last year'.
And it was sort of a guy, with big sharp teeth. All vampire-y.
So I was afraid, but I remembered how far he got last year before I was able to elude him.
So I try the same things again.
And at one point I'm driving fast on the highway, and he's FLYING in front of me, like a bullet almost, and things (rocks? pebbles? I dunno) keep hitting my car like hailstones...
And I remember thinking wow, this is going a lot further than last year.
Eventually he catches up to me, he's on the ground crouched over a body, he's got blood all over his mouth and he casually picks up the hand of the body and crunches on a finger while saying something to me (I don't remember what)...then I think he sort of crawls over to me and says something, I feel faint and he's about to sink his teeth into my stomach, and I said, "What was that? I didn't hear you"...then I dreamed that I woke up, and I clearly remember thinking "That's the last time I read Stephen King before bed" (which in reality I hadn't done") and then the living room lamp went out, and there was something blinking red on top of my refrigerator (which I can see from my bedroom), and I remember thinking "Oh, that's just the light I got from the halloween party..."

Then I woke up for real.
I dunno if I dreamed that (or parts of that) before...I HAVE had recurring dreams in my life. But I feel like I did dream some of that before.
It is so scary to dream that you wake up...especially when you can REMEMBER blinking your eyes, and having specific thoughts.
*shudder*
Weird.

---

Now I laugh every time I think of that guy just crunchin' on that finger like it was a candy bar...
*giggle*
And I can completely see myself asking "What was that? I didn't hear you" to someone about to kill me.
I'm excellent with the stall tactics. ;)

An Ode To You...

Quote Of The Day:

"A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature."~~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I totally agree.

"You enrich my life and restore peace to my soul with your beauty." ~~aka_monty

---

Now I'm going to hang you all on my wall with hooks.
;)

The Searing Answers...

I know, I know, the moment you've been waiting for.
Fo' reals yo.

---

Tyra wants to know:
"Are you an organized person or a fly by your pants kind of person?"
Depends. I like to be organized at work~otherwise I can't think straight. At home...not so much. As for the rest, I like some spontanaeity, but mostly I prefer to have a plan. Even if it's a bad plan.

Kurt snuck in more than one question:
"Are you a morning or night person? both? depends on the kids? When was your last date?"
I used to be a total night owl, and still be able to wake up with a smile. So both. Now I'm more of a middle-of-the-day person...I hit my stride around 9am & then poop out at about 10pm. I'm gettin' old.
My daughter is very responsible AND thoughtful...she lets me sleep in on the weekends. She takes care of her brother until I wake up (sleeping in for me is about 8:30am). Man, I love my kids. :)
My last REAL date..sheesh, I'm having to really think about that...probably around February. This year. Crap, I'm totally overdue. No wonder I'm so cranky.

Jen wants to know:
"I guess from reading some of your blog and your challenging life with your kids.. would you ever want more kids?
Oooh, tough question. My own kids suffered so much at birth, I'm terrified to think of putting any more babies through what they went through, being born three and a half months early. PLUS I'm getting closer and closer to 40 with no romantic committment in sight, so I'll have to say no (reserving the option to change my mind, of course) :)

Krissy wonders:
"Would you be willing to tattoo my name on your ass?"
Actually, that's on my to-do list for next weekend. I figure that if ever a man gets to see my naked ass again, I could make up some totally hot stories about it...

Norman wondered:
"So your blog is worth a 100 G's, what are your breasts worth?"
Hey, these babies are hand-raised and all natural. So they're priceless, of course. Wanna see?

Janet asks:
"I would like to know, once and for all, just how much wood WOULD a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Rumor has it that a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could IF a woodchuck could chuck wood. I have it on good authority.

David wants to know:
"have you ever had a personal experience with a supernatural being?"
Excellent question, David! And the answer is yes~~my house is haunted. Look at this picture, from a couple years ago.

Megan asked:
"Do you think any of your blogfriends could be your friends in "real" life? What would you do if you discovered that they weren't the same as you thought they'd be?"
There has been much debate around the blogosphere (and even the odd question or two here) about whether the personality of the person behind the blog leaks through...I think it does. I also would like to think that most of us are at least pretty close to how we seem here.
I think most of my blogfriends would be my most treasured real-life friends as well..the few I've had the pleasure of meeting have been EXACTLY as they are on their blogs...only better. :) If that turned out to not be the case, I'd probably still read them.

Mike is curious to know:
"Hmmm, if we were to have breakfast someday, would I call you or nudge you?"
Well, Mike, the bad news is...I don't eat breakfast. But you keep on dishing out those fabulous compliments, well...maybe you could bring me my morning coffee. I take it hot and strong...like my men. ;)

Nancy wants to know:
"Q1 – if God is love, and love is blind, is Ray Charles god?
Q2 – I think you said you use to work in the hospitality industry. For what franchise or management company did you work?"
A1 - No, but I think Stevie Wonder might be.
A2 - I have worked for several hotels, but the two I was General Manager of were Studio 6 (an ACCOR hotel, just like Motel 6) and La Quinta Inns & Suites. And you're SO right, Nance~~OH, the stories we could tell about those days! :)

Lu asks:
"...since you left A-D-S, how many times have you fallen in love and have you considered giving it (marriage) another go?"
I have been in love twice since then...and both times marriage was the topic of conversation at some point during the relationship. Obviously, for one reason or another, it never came to fruition (for which I am eternally grateful). I love being in a committed relationship, but...so far, it hasn't been just right. At this point, the thought of someone sharing my living space makes me break into a cold sweat.

Jules wondered:
"What is your son's disability? Oh and by the way....what is YOUR disability?"
My son has Cerebral Palsy, and parts of his brain were damaged from a grade IV head bleed when he was born. So he's got tons of personality...but no motor control or speech. He does love to laugh...just like Mommy.
My disability? Hmmm...I'm sorry, this is only a half hour show. I actually think I have more inabilities than disabilities. :)

Angie would like for me to:
"Tell a story entitled, "Seemed like a good idea at the time." "
Please see the entry for Saturday, October 22. A picture's worth a thousand words, yes?

And last but most definitely not least, MommaK asks a tough one:
"If you could go on a romantic date with any blogger, who would it be? AND...where would you go?"
I had to save this one for last because I had to spend some time thinking about it. AND I had to carefully consider my answer, because I wouldn't want any jealous wives or girlfriends coming to kick my ass.
I've had my secret blog-crush for ages, but he doesn't usually give me the time of day. Even when I peek through his windows and watch him blog naked.
Oh hell, I guess that's not a secret anymore.
I've been privileged enough to spend time with Brian on a couple of occasions, and you've heard about my red-hot meeting with FTS, but those were not romantic dates, although they were so very much more fun than some of my 'real' dates have been.
Of course, I'd go on a date with YOU, MommaK~~I know we'd have so much fun...but in the end, you just don't have those bits & pieces I'm so fond of. PLUS you're married.
OH, I just can't choose! Can't I just go on romantic dates with all of the unattached ones? (the man-type ones, that is)(no offense ladies)
Although I suppose I really should wait until someone asks me out. *sigh*
Where would we go? Ahh, my favorite restaurant, The Haunted House. Then perhaps to Junior's for a drink and dancing at the piano bar.
After that? Hmm...


Bowling. Definitely bowling.

---

---

Because I always try to put myself in someone else's shoes...(hyuk hyuk hyuk)

---

---

The Burning Question Game

But first...

I stole this from Ang at Ficken Chingers...

My blog is worth $109,520.76.
How much is your blog worth?

And here I thought it was only worth my two cents. :)

---

and now...

The Burning Question
**UPDATE** The answers to your questions will be posted on Tuesday.

(I should add that this idea is blatantly stolen from the likes of Michele, MommaK, Megan, and a whole host of others that I've forgotten right now. Please forgive me if I didn't credit you~I don't have the memory or breasts of a 25 year old anymore.)

Okay, so the breast thing doesn't really have anything to do with anything.
I was just sayin'.

Many people know me so very well~almost as well as I know myself (although perhaps not quite as...intimately).

But maybe there's something you've been dying to know but were afraid to ask(presuming you have the least bit of curiosity about la Monty at all)...

This is your golden opportunity. If you've ever wondered, now is the time to find out.
My life is an open book~~although somewhat tattered and dog-eared.

So tell me, what is your Burning Question for me?

Special Edition *Flashback Saturday*

On this date in history...

Let us travel back in time...back...back...back..

Saturday, October 22, 1988

To have and to hold, from this day forward...
Yes, the day Monty Got Married.

Luckily divorce was invented before then so that "'Til Death Us Do Part" wasn't put to the test.
It would've been a toss up as to who 'parted' from the other one first.


I had the incredible bad taste to marry an abusive-drunk-slacker
(the asshole groom)
Oh, did I mention that he got drunker'n Cooter Brown the night before and actually passed out when the preacherman said "You may kiss the bride"?
Good times. Actually that was probably the highlight of the day. :)


But my bridesmaid's dresses weren't all that ugly


And once upon a time I sure knew how to fill out a wedding dress


A kodak moment...


And finally, Bridezilla. I'm sure I was bitching about something or 'nuther.


I had planned to have more, but most of my wedding pictures have somewhat mysteriously vanished over time, and I can't seem to locate them.

I really don't mind.
I could tell you some stories that would curl your hair...but I will spare you. I'm okay with it now. This day every year doesn't even remind me of all the bad times, not anymore...but rather serves as a reminder of what I have come through, lived through, and that I'm doin' okay.

I lived in hell for about six years...but in retrospect it was worth it, to a degree, because it has a lot to do with who I am now.
And most of the time, I like me just fine.

---

My apologies for turning this into a sort of photo-blog of late...I promise, no more pictures.
Until next weekend. :)

---

And that concludes our Wedding Nightmare Story.
Thank you, and goodnight!

Oh geez...

I WON! I WON! I....won?
Worst Photo Contest
So, what do I win, MommaK, what do I win?




I'm not sure if I should say "Thank you" or send hate mail. :)
I think I only won because I voted for myself...I couldn't in good conscience suggest that anyone else looked worse than I did.

Here is my second-choice submission...that year in 8th grade that I was evidently attempting to win the "Poodle" category at the AKC Championships...


*shudder*
Who in the hell was in charge of picking out my glasses?!?
For crap's sake.
Believe it or don't, I actually had a boyfriend at that time...I can only say that love must truly be blind.

And I am eternally grateful that God decided to give me smarts.

---

In other news...

I have to say that it has been a virtual love-fest 'round The Daily Bitch this past week.
I've been called a hottie, one of the 'cool' kids, adorable, and cute. I'm positively blushing.
Of course, all the lovely ego-stroking has resulted in my becoming quite insufferably arrogant. Rest assured that when people start to complain about that little fact, I will be naming names and pointing fingers at those of you who did this to me. :)

So I offer a big HUG and SMOOCH to all of you...I might even slip you a little tongue. Have a Tic-Tac.

I ♥ you.

Some semi-important announcements...

Quote of the Day:

"I have PMS and a blog.
Any questions?" ~~aka_monty

True story.

---

The Flashback Thursday feature will be cancelled this week for a couple of reasons...

1. On that date in history, I didn't write one single word.
and
B. Tune in Saturday for a special edition Flashback.

---

Two bottles of drain cleaner later, and now I don't have to stand in rising water when I shower.

All of the [liquid] Plumr, none of the butt-crack.

---

Be sure to visit MommaK tomorrow and VOTE on the "Worst School Picture".

I'm pretty sure I'm a lock.

---

Cranky but still cute. I'm pretending that you all agree with me.
I still wear the exact same expression every single morning.
(and yes, we had color pictures back then. Ha ha ha.)

A thank you...

...to Mike of It Occurred To Me for the lovely compliment.

Mike said, "Her site, The Daily Bitch, is written in a style that has you thinking she is talking in person to you."

See, he gets me. :)

Didn't you all know that you're my (free) therapists?

Can you come out to play?

Bring your ball.
Otherwise you can't play with us.

Oh, okay, I guess you can come anyway.
Join me (and some other creepy fun people and play Lu's Loaded Questions.

It's more information than you ever wanted to know. :)
That's the fun of it.

---

on another note...

My daughter is getting hair under her arms.

I'm completely traumatized.

Random Brain Dump. I need the room in there.

Sight(s) of the Day:

Nothing like driving down the highway behind a new Pilot and getting to watch the porn on their video screen.

Good times.

Now forgive me if the next one seems judgmental...but it is.
Right or wrong, I have firm opinions on appropriate dress. Many of you will disagree with me, but you're wrong that's okay.

I watched a little kindergarten girl walk into the school with her mother, and she was wearing...
A short black leather skirt
A black leather vest
Tall black leather boots.

Mom, wait until she turns 18 to turn her out, mmmkay?

---

A half-dozen (more) things about me...(what am I up to now on my 100 things? Oh, yeah. 13.)

13. I frequently have to make a conscious effort to relax my jaws, as I tend to clench them and grit my teeth.
14. I have yet to learn how to curb my tongue and control my temper.
15. I am so not one o' those nurturing types.
16. People who do absolutely nothing productive with their lives (including work) but constantly brag about how much better they could do something drive me into an absolute frenzy. **ed. note: Being a SAHM is definitely work, so don't think that I'm including you in that statement)
17. I like to eat celery stuffed with peanut butter.
18. I do not like the taste of beer.

---

Some of my most post-worthy thoughts happen on the drive to and from work. Of course, by the time I get to a computer, I've forgotten most of them.

---

Once, when I was about 13, I was wearing a pretty pink shirt and my uncle told me in astonishment, "Your cheeks are exactly the same shade as your shirt!"

I said, "You must be colorblind. My blouse is plaid."

---

I wonder how long it will be before the PC A-Holes decide to take the song "What Makes The Red Man Red" out of the movie Peter Pan

---

I do not try to be funny. Sometimes stuff comes out that way. Even when it isn't meant to.

---

So, I got my sister a job, working with me.
I feel an evil laugh bubbling up inside me right now.

I gave her her first ever job, at my hotel when I was a GM. We worked together just fine.
But when she and I worked with our mom & dad when we owned a restaurant, we fought quite nastily sometimes. Of course, all of us fought. Sometimes it was three of us against one, but usually we ended up divided 2-2. Well, sometimes I took the opposite side just to be spiteful.
But for the most part we get along just fine as paint.

Now once again she will be working under my 'command'.
The balance of nature is restored.
All is right with the world.

Not only do I have something to hold over her, but (more importantly) I am officially the boss of her.

Wow. That made me tingle in all my secret spots.
I think I'd like to say it again.

I am the boss of her.
I can feel the power coursing through my veins even as I type...

She starts Monday. Pray for her.

That's right kiddies, it's flashback thursday!

But first...

Quote Of The Day

"The one day you decide to go commando is the day you rip the seat of your pants." ~aka_monty

---

Okay, on this day in history...
I actually had three posts. On one day.
Two of them were Memes.
I chose the third.
You can thank me later. :)

---

"I was thinking about it today...
It's funny, and a little sad...
But this breakup with Underdog is not going to have much impact on my life, really.

After all, I haven't seen him in several weeks anyway, so it's not going to be any great change to have him out of my life.
The only thing that is really going to be different is that now I won't be getting once or twice-a-week phone calls from him.

That doesn't say much about how our relationship has been going lately, does it?
Hmmm.
So enough already.

As Julia Roberts says in the movie Pretty Woman:
"I want the fairy tale."

However unrealistic that is.

NOW TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR PRINCE CHARMING.
Line forms to the right.

So there.
Step up to the plate, boys. No shoving or you'll have to move to the back of the line.

---

The line formed was much too long, so I just closed the ticket window. Temporarily.

The current Meme going around...

But first...

I have been called Monty for so long that I almost introduced myself that way the other day.
No, it is not my real name. Not even close. :)

---

Quote Of The Day

"A day without music is a day wasted."

---

And now....The Meme.

The 5th sentence from my 23rd post (I went all the way back to my REAL 23rd post, on LJ)

"I'm not superstitious, so I don't want to blame it on Friday the 13th...but I can tell you that if Jason Voorhees showed up at my door today, I wouldn't bat an eye~~I'd invite him in for coffee and a nice chat."

Luckily Jason didn't put it to the test. He was a no-show.
It was a pretty good day, all things considered.

SUNDAY A & Q

But first...

I love to watch Antiques Roadshow on PBS. All the cool things that people find at garage sales, estate sales, in their attics...

Sometimes the object isn't worth very much, and sometimes I expect the person to have a heart attack right there in front of the camera. I wonder if that's ever happened?

ANYWAY. I was watching it recently and a guy had brought in some rug that he'd bought years & years ago, I think he'd paid about $300 for it.

How much is it worth now? About $100,000.
For crap's sake.

If that would've been mine, I would have done a big happy dance, let out a scream, and the greed would have been plainly shining from my eyes. I most likely would be on the phone first thing, contacting someone to help me sell it at an auction.

Sometimes, most of the time, the people say, "Oh, it has sentimental value. We'll keep it in the family. I just wanted to know more about it."

Seriously?
I always wonder if they're secretly thinking how much more it could be worth in another 10, 20 years.

So what about you? If you were on Antiques Roadshow, and you took in some crappy lamp or ugly vase that great-grandma gave you and had been in the family for generations, or painting that you really, really loved that you bought at a garage sale for $25 and were told that it was worth thousands and thousands of dollars...

...what would win? Sentiment, or greed?
I think you know what my answer is.

---

THE A & Q

In case you don't know the rules, I will give you the answer, you will put the question in the comments. Easy peasy.

The Answer Is: "Yes, because I like the way it moves."

it's a a jungle out there, folks.

Why I Hate To Mow My Lawn
A photo-essay by Monty
(please ignore the date on the photos, it is incorrect)

---

Note the abundance of trees...


And more trees...



and bushes...


and shrubberies...


Not to mention the 12,985,741 sticker bushes and the piles of these things...


and these guys...and their little brothers and sisters who invariably shoot out from under the lawnmower and stab me in the legs...


I won't even mention the bumper crop of acorns from all the oak trees...suffice it to say that not a squirrel in a tri-county area ever goes hungry.

Next year I plan to offer sexual favors in return for lawncare, so you boys just be turning that over in your minds throughout the cold, lonely winter...

Flashback Thursday

but first...
The Theory of De-volution

I was told recently that if I were to devolve into my 'root' creature...I would become a chameleon.

I thought about that.
I took it as a compliment.

---

On This Day In History...

From "The Year Of The Zoloft"
No worries, I'm not playing the poor pitiful me card.
What I was thinking exactly one year ago today.

---

I woke up this morning feeling somewhat...challenged. Inadequate. Incompetent. Incapable.
I guess what brought it on was the other night, my girlfriend was ribbing me about the inside of my microwave. Hey, it was clean...but last time she was over it wasn't. I'd had a little...explosion...and had neglected to clean it up before they got there.
ANYHOO...I'd said something to her about being tired of always having to do everything all by myself...I wasn't really complaining, mind you...I was just sayin'.
And I do get tired of it. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the getting the kids up & bathed & dressed & fed & off to school every morning, the minor home repairs, the squashing of the spiders *shudder*, the car maintenance, the lawn mowing, and the myriad other little things that crop up on a daily basis.
Those are the bad days...the ones where I actually miss having a husband. Or live-in partner. Or even just a roommate. (especially for the whole 'spider' thing)
Those are the days when I wish for a moment that I would come home from work to a nicely kept house that I didn't clean. That the laundry would be folded & put away. That dinner would be a-cookin'. Or even that someone would volunteer to stay with my kids for a few hours so that I could go to Border's or Barnes & Noble, read a book in relative peace & quiet whilst sipping a latte.
Aaaah, what a lovely little fantasy.
As mom always said: "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride..."
Oh well.

Luckily, those days are few & far between. Most generally I don't mind shouldering my responsibilities. I even enjoy them most of the time.

But this morning...ugh. First thought of the day was I don't wanna get up. I wanna pull the covers over my head. Pretend I'm invisible.
Yeah, that didn't happen.
I was seen.


Well shit, I've just now remembered that I have a friend who's birthday was yesterday. DAMMIT. Guess I'd better fire off a quick e-card, and a follow up phone call tomorrow at first opportunity...

---

*=Not her real name.
And I've just realized that I've forgotten the EXACT same friend's birthday...*sigh*
Off to make a phone call.

A music Meme that ain't too bad

...that I stole from A True Jersey Girl, one of my favorite Jersey ladies.

Rules of the Meme...

Go HERE, scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, and click on the year of your high school graduation.

BOLD the songs you liked (back then), ITALICIZE the ones you hated, RED the ones you don't remember, and leave the rest alone.

C'mon, it's not that complicated. Really.

---

1986 (shaddap, I know I'm old. And this explains a lot of my musical tastes)

1. That's What Friends Are For, Dionne Warwick, Elton John, and Gladys Knight
2. Say You, Say Me, Lionel Richie
3. I Miss You, Klymaxx
4. On My Own , Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald
5. Broken Wings, Mr. Mister
6. How Will I Know, Whitney Houston
7. Party All The Time, Eddie Murphy
8. Burning Heart, Survivor
9. Kyrie, Mr. Mister
10. Addicted To Love, Robert Palmer
11. Greatest Love Of All, Whitney Houston
12. Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr
13. Friends And Lovers, Carl Anderson and Gloria Loring
14. Glory Of Love, Peter Cetera
15. West End Girls, Pet Shop Boys
16. There'll Be Sad Songs, Billy Ocean
17. Alive And Kicking, Simple Minds
18. Never, Heart
19. Kiss, Prince and The Revolution
20. Higher Love, Steve Winwood
21. Stuck With You, Huey Lewis and The News
22. Holding Back The Years, Simply Red
23. Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel
24. Sara, Starship
25. Human, Human League
26. I Can't Wait, Nu Shooz
27. Take My Breath Away, Berlin
28. Rock Me Amadeus, Falco
29. Papa Don't Preach, Madonna
30. You Give Love A Bad Name, Bon Jovi
31. When The Going Gets Tough, Billy Ocean
32. When I Think Of You, Janet Jackson
33. These Dreams, Heart
34. Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone), Glass Tiger
35. Live To Tell, Madonna
36. Mad About You, Belinda Carlisle
37. Something About You, Level 42
38. Venus, Bananarama
39. Dancing On The Ceiling, Lionel Richie
40. Conga, Miami Sound Machine
41. True Colors, Cyndi Lauper
42. Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins
43. What Have You Done For Me Lately, Janet Jackson
44. No One Is To Blame, Howard Jones
45. Let's Go All The Way, Sly Fox
46. I Didn't Mean To Turn You On, Robert Palmer
47. Words Get In The Way, Miami Sound Machine
48. Manic Monday, Bangles
49. Walk Of Life, Dire Straits
50. Amanda, Boston
51. Two Of Hearts, Stacey Q
52. Crush On You, Jets
53. If You Leave, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
54. Invisible Touch, Genesis
55. The Sweetest Taboo, Sade
56. What You Need, INXS
57. Talk To Me, Stevie Nicks
58. Nasty, Janet Jackson
59. Take Me Home Tonight, Eddie Money
60. We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off, Jermaine Stewart
61. All Cried Out, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam With Full Force
62. Your Love, Outfield
63. I'm Your Man, Wham!
64. Perfect Way, Scritti Politti
65. Living In America, James Brown
66. R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A., John Cougar Mellencamp
67. Who's Johnny, El Debarge
68. Word Up, Cameo
69. Why Can't This Be Love, Van Halen (van hagar?) bleh.
70. Silent Running, Mike and The Mechanics
71. Typical Male, Tina Turner
72. Small Town, John Cougar Mellencamp
73. Tarzan Boy, Baltimora
74. All I Need Is A Miracle, Mike and The Mechanics
75. Sweet Freedom, Michael McDonald
76. True Blue, Madonna
77. Rumors, Timex Social Club
78. Life In A Northern Town, Dream Academy
79. Bad Boy, Miami Sound Machine
80. Sleeping Bag, ZZ Top
81. Tonight She Comes, Cars
82. Love Touch, Rod Stewart
83. A Love Bizarre, Sheila E.
84. Throwing It All Away, Genesis
85. Baby Love, Regina
86. Election Day, Arcadia
87. Nikita, Elton John
88. Take Me Home, Phil Collins
89. Walk This Way, Run-D.M.C.
90. Sweet Love, Anita Baker
91. Your Wildest Dreams, Moody Blues
92. Spies Like Us, Paul McCartney
93. Object Of My Desire, Starpoint
94. Dreamtime, Daryl Hall
95. Tender Love, Force M.D.'s
96. King For A Day, Thompson Twins
97. Love Will Conquer All, Lionel Richie
98. A Different Corner, George Michael
99. I'll Be Over You, Toto
100. Go Home, Stevie Wonder

---

Oh dear. I remember almost all of them. And I'm betting if I heard some of the ones I marked in red, I'd remember those as well...

And I'm hesitant to admit that most of the ones I liked then, I still like unto this day. Which appears to be nearly all the songs on the list.
And I still know the words to most of 'em. *sigh*

I've read 32 of the 100 most challenged books.

I got this from Easy over at Glory Road. I'm also adding some of his post, as he says what I would say, only better.

---

Easy says...

Banning books is one thing, but to then burn them? Is this something that we really do in the United States of America in the year 2005?

So I got to thinking--always a dangerous proposition--and I went to the ALA site where there is a list of the 100 most challenged books. So I decided that I wanted to pass these titles on, and the best way is to make a meme. I will make the ones I've read italic. (**Ed. Note: Easy also bolded the ones he highly recommends, but I'm too lazy. Most of the ones I've read I recommend~even to my children. My daughter, 10, has already read several on this list and I hope she reads many, many more)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

100 Most Challenged Books

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz

Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling

Forever by Judy Blume

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman

My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

The Giver by Lois Lowry

It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris

Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine

A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

Sex by Madonna

Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel

The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous

Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers

In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak

The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard

The Witches by Roald Dahl

The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein

Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry

The Goats by Brock Cole

Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane

Blubber by Judy Blume

Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan

Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam

We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier

Final Exit by Derek Humphry

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by
Lynda Madaras

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Beloved by Toni Morrison

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

The Pigman by Paul Zindel

Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard

Deenie by Judy Blume

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden

The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar

Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz

A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)

Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole

Cujo by Stephen King

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell

Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy

Ordinary People by Judith Guest

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis

What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda
Madaras

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume

Crazy Lady by Jane Conly

Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher

Fade by Robert Cormier

Guess What? by Mem Fox

The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende

The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Native Son by Richard Wright

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday

Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen

Jack by A.M. Homes

Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya

Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle

Carrie by Stephen King

Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume

On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer

Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge

Family Secrets by Norma Klein

Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole

The Dead Zone by Stephen King

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison

Always Running by Luis Rodriguez

Private Parts by Howard Stern

Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford

Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene

Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman

Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett

Running Loose by Chris Crutcher

Sex Education by Jenny Davis

The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene

Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy

How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell

View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts

The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney

Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier



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Many of these are childrens books, which further boggles my mind, but that's why I haven't read several of them. I'm tagging everyone who reads this blog with this meme, and if you see something here that I haven't read that you recommend, by all means tell me so. When you do the meme, leave me a comment letting me know, and title the entry like I titled this one.

Fighting censorship is important to me, so I really hope you'll join me and help spread this meme.


~Easy

---

Yeah. What he said.
Seriously. "How To Eat Fried Worms"???? That was one of my favorites when I was young. And no, it did not entice me to eat worms, or even try to make my brother eat them (except maybe that once)(and I probably would've tried that anyway).
And I should add that when I was in Jr.High and High School, many of these books were REQUIRED reading. The Outsiders, To Kill A Mockingbird, Lord Of The Flies.
What's next on the list? "The Diary Of Anne Frank"? "Superfudge"?

Hell in a handbasket, people.

Beer Goggles

But first...
A big shout-out to Meg over at Blog Cabin. I swear that she's one of the most positive, upbeat people I've ever had the pleasure to 'know'. A most excellent writer, she's funny, she has the best stories, and is a person that I wish I knew in real life.
She has a post up that you should read HERE.
She's all about spreadin' the love. (and not the nasty, slutty way that I like to 'spread the love')
Thank you, Meg, for the lovely things you say. :) I heart you.

---

Now, I stole this from Amanda...
Thought I'd post it as a Public Service Announcement.
Boys, you can thank me later. I'll be spreading the love. And I've got a 12-pack. ;)

Police today warned all men who frequent yacht clubs and dock parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women.

Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men.

This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere.

"Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them.

Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.

After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women.

Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache,and a vague feeling that something bad happened.

Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship."

In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.

If you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "GolfCourses."