sweet relief

It was sort of like lancing a boil.
If I'd ever had a boil, I mean.
Yeah.

Bloggers do it with FLAIR

"You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair like your pretty boy Brian over there, why don't you make the MINIMUM 37 pieces of flair?" ~~Joanna, Office Space

Hey, I might not have the recommended 37 pieces of BlogHer flair, but I think this is enough to get me a job at TGIFriday's, don't you?

One of my finest moments.

Well, one of many, many such moments.

When I was a hotel GM I got to go to New Orleans for the first time to help open a new property.
I'm good at that kind of crap.
ANYWAY.

About 15 of us went for dinner at a little hole-in-the-wall cafe that my local counterparts had recommended.

Waitress: "Today's special, y'all got balled shrimp."

Me:: thinking-- did she say balled shrimp? or BALD shrimp? And what the fuck is that anyway?

Me: "Excuse me, does that mean shrimp balls?"

A moment of shocked silence at the table. All eyes turned toward me. Then the roof raised with the sound of laughter.

Then the waitress made it even better when she said (after wiping the tears from her eyes) "No hon, it's where we put the shrimp in a pot and ball it."

OH. BOILED.

Good times.
I am made of Teh Coolness.

---

---

some days I feel invisible.
Even when I'm not trying to use my superpower.

---

---

Scrub-a Scrub-A Scrub-A

THE BATHROOM IS MY NEMESIS.
Okay, I'm really lazy not much on housecleaning, but I do like a clean bathroom. Because otherwise? Ew.
So I was happy to be included in Mom Central's Scrubbing Bubbles blog tour.

For years and years (following Mommie Dearest's my mom's tradition) I've scrubbed the bathroom with powdered cleanser (Comet). It's always nice & sparkly & fresh when I'm finished, but O! The rinsing! And the tiny bit of grit in the tub that I always seem to somehow miss.

THEN! I got a chance to try the Scrubbing Bubbles Action Scrubber. I made let my daughter give it a shot first on the bathtub - and she actually did a really good job. Fair is fair, so I tried it too and let me tell you it's SO MUCH EASIER than my normal powder-and-rag scrubbing. Got the tub just as clean - and GRIT FREE!.

Simple to use, no icky stuff that you have to touch. Just attach a scrubbing pad to the (very comfortable to use!) handle, and VOILA! Nice. Especially when you're...housekeeping challenged, like me.
And just to sweeten the deal, if you head over to the Scrubbing Bubbles site, THERE ARE COUPONS for the Action Scrubber (along with some of their other awesome products)!!

I'm sold. I've quit the powder cold-turkey. Once you go Action Scrubber, you'll never go back.
Is all I'm saying.

OH and PS: My podcast makes EXCELLENT background noise by which to clean. Or so I've heard.

---

and now for something completely different...

I need to give a HUGE shout-out and THANK YOU SO MUCH to the wonderfully generous and fine folks at Six Apart Media (the people of Movable Type and Typepad).
I had the incredibly good fortune to meet some of the behind-the-scenes people at a fun (and SO CROWDED!) cocktail party whilst at BlogHer last week. They ROCK! When I decide to give in to peer pressure and move away from blogger.com, I'm definitely going to join their family.

AND THE BEST PART???

They drew my name to win an iPhone 3G!!!
It was the only thing I won in San Francisco - and it was one of the very best prizes EVER.

Thank you, Six Apart!!

I like Pokemon. Shut up.

WOO! I have to say that this has to be on my Top Favorite Things To Review List.
If I had a list, I mean.

I like to review the variety of things that Mom Central sends my way -- but I won't promote a product or service that I wouldn't stand behind.

So let me just say, for the record... GAME STOP KICKS ASS!

I went in to check them out & it was like a little slice of gamer heaven. Games for all sorts of systems, and MOVIES GALORE! The used - excuse me, previously viewed movies were hard to resist because they were so inexpensive.

GameStop has new AND used games, game systems, BLING, accessories (and PS my daughter has the cutest little backpack made to hold all her Nintendo DS stuff now), and just cool goodies that I wanted to buy. For myself.

AND. Did you know that you can trade in your old GameBoy & use that toward the purchase of a new Nintendo DS?
I've a pretty pink one all picked out.
Again, for myself.

I wonder if my daughter would notice that her Gameboy was missing.
I wonder if I could lie convincingly about the Gameboy's whereabouts.
I wonder if she'd notice if I had a pretty pink new DS.

*sigh* I think GameStop is a bad influence on me. Sort of like my friends. And the men I date.
I'm sensing a pattern here.

OH YEAH. If you have one of those really geeky kids who likes to beat the game as fast as possible... GAMESTOP will take trade-ins. And they have a really excellent selection to choose from.

So feed your inner gamer and head out to GameStop. Trust me. Would I steer you wrong?
And PS: I really need JewelQuest. Just in case you want to send a "HEY, THANKS FOR RECOMMENDING THIS GREAT STORE!" gift.
Is all I'm saying.

A little bit beginning, a little bit end.

I don't plan to do a total BlogHer 08 recap - mostly because large portions are just a big blur.

NO, not because I was drunk or anything.
For the most part.

You remember my T-shirt for BlogHer, right?

I'm glad I had it! Because I was spotted by none other than the deliciously cute Schmutzie - and we were both traveling alone up until that point. Then we clung together like two shipwrecked souls on a single lifesaver (pep0mint flavor).
That was the beginning part.

Later that same day...
I touched Hilly's boobs several times.
It was truly an awesome experience.

I went out back with Kimberly. You know, lookin' for trouble and stuff.

I slept with Mamacita. Don't hate me because I'm slutty. You're just jealous.

And remind me to tell you later how I made out with Karl many, many times. Yeah, baby.

Plus also some other things. With other people.

---

And now, some pictures.
I know, it's like going to someone's house and having to sit through their vacation slides.
Shut it, you haven't even seen 'em yet. And plus mine are better anyways. (sorry for that 's' on the end, Mamacita! heeeheee)

So I went here on Sunday...



...because I heard that there were docks and I was hoping to pick up a sailor or two.
Unfortunately the fleet must've been out because they only had a few fishermen who didn't have a full set of teeth even added all together.

BUT! I found some EDUCATIONAL movies to watch:







Beats the hell out of PBS, I can tell you.

And since we can't afford even a state-run nursing home for Grandma, I found a way for Grandma to earn her keep, stop her from wandering off, AND provide housing for her!



I KNOW. Cool.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
If you behave yourselves, I MIGHT let you watch some more of my vacation slides later.

That's every pair of shoes in the store, except for...

...THE CRUEL SHOES.


Yes, my favorite flipflops are grungy (but cute! pink with Blow Pops - yeah, I know, how appropriate, right?) and dirty and a little stinky, so I couldn't take them to BlogHer.
Okay, I could have, but...ew.
So I bought some new ones, with sparklies!

MIS.TAKE.

They really are The Cruel Shoes.

See?



And you know once they've had a taste of blood, there's no way to keep them from killing again. Mostly you have to put them down.

*sigh*



On the upside, at least one person of the male persuasion thought my polished toesies were hot.



"Monty Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.
'I LIKE THEM!'
I She paid Carlo & crawled out the door and into the street..."

It's almost time to go!

...and I think I might vomit.
I am skeered.

SOMEONE BETTER HUG ME.

Okay, handshaking is okay too, if you want to be that way about it.
I've got to head to the airport in about 2 1/2 hours...

If you see me in the SF airport, want to share a shuttle to the hotel? Because I don't want to go in by myself.

I KNOW, I'M A BIG BABY. Shut it.

I don't have a laptop, so I probably won't be able to let you know what's going on unless you follow me on Twitter.

Of course, I'm not smart enough to set it up so that I can twitter by phone, but I CAN use utterz.com & leave a voice-tweet.

Hold me. I'm frightened.

A Summer Affair - Hubba Hubba!

Hooray! It's been awhile since I've been able to do a book review for MotherTalk, so I was happy to be included on this tour.

Since the title sort of gives it away, I don't think it's a spoiler when I tell you that A Summer Affair by NY Times bestselling author Elin Hilderbrand is about exactly that very thing.

I'm actually of two minds about this book - and keep in mind this is ALL ABOUT MY PERSONAL TASTES. 'Kay?

Claire is really the central figure - a professional & renown glassblower who's sort of given up her career for her family - she didn't want to miss anything in her kids' growing up years. Her husband is successful (but sort of a jerk - like the boys in high school used to act), they have a relatively happy and secure family unit. Claire's best friend is married to her (Claire's, that is) brother-in-law, they have a nice life on Nantucket Island.

There is drama. There is romance. There is hot steamy sex (on tables, even!). There is -you guessed it - a summer affair.
Yeah, baby.

A Summer Affair is well written and engaging... I won't say I couldn't put it down -- but it was definitely entertaining.

The problem I had was that to me, none of the characters were really very likeable. What I mean is that Claire seemed weak and easily swayed, and in my eyes she seemed to be portrayed as a ...victim. Or martyr, maybe. You know, giving up the successful & lucrative career to be with the kids, being unappreciated, boo hoo.
I guess she is a little like me: I tend to feel guilty over things all the time, whether the things were really my fault or not, like Claire's guilt over not doing ENOUGH to keep a friend from driving drunk resulted in an accident - for which Claire feels responsible.

And her best friend? DID.NOT.LIKE. She was a judgmental hypocrite & something of a control freak, I think.

The husband? Every guy I dated in college.

If those were the impressions that I was meant to get - then the author was completely successful in portraying her characters! I guess I just prefer a stronger central figure. JUST MY TASTE, OKAY?
I know that many people will strongly identify with the characters - it's a real-life situation with some real-life issues and problems.



And just because I didn't find the characters likeable doesn't mean that I didn't like the book.
It's PERFECT for a day at the beach.

Wanna know who has the affair? If they fall in love, run away and live happily ever after? Or not?
Go get your own copy, because everyone knows that I'll lend you my toothbrush, my kids, even my underpants...but never my books.

Leavin' on a jet plane

Oh. Em. Gee.

It's Sunday. I leave for BlogHer on THURSDAY. THURSDAY! I haven't got anything accomplished yet - except for a sassy new haircut (and an eyebrow wax - second one EVER - but we won't talk about that. Except BEAUTY TIP: Do NOT get your waxing done at SuperCuts. Is all I'm saying).

I've been feeling pretty nervous about the whole shebang, then I read THIS from Mamacita awhile ago and now I'm terrified.
Everything she said is exactly what I thought.

Did I mention that I'm lucky enough to room with Mamacita? And I was totally counting on her to talk me down off the ledge...

Plus also I know that a three or four of the "popular" Okie girls (okay, they don't follow me on twitter nor read my blog - I'm SO not the cool one) are going to be at BlogHer speaking on panels as well...and they intimidate me.
What if I see one of them in the airport? What if they pretend not to notice me?

More importantly... what if I recognize everyone and when I go try to speak to them, I get a bunch of blank looks?
What if NO ONE KNOWS ME?
I'm frightened.
Hold me.

If you want, you can all send me your flight itineraries - maybe some of you are ALSO connecting in Denver. Failing that, I just want to say one more thing:

If you are at an airport (or ANYWHERE ELSE, for that matter) and you see a woman looking utterly lost, dazed, terrified, and WEARING THIS SHIRT, come and give me a hug, won't you? Pretend like you know me.

---

and now for something completely different...

Guess what? My podcast finally broke into the Top 500 on podomatic.com, THANKS TO YOU! Check it out!

Also, the PODCAST of Friday Night Live featuring special guests (Podcast Beefcake)Tee Morris and Sex-Kitten/Librarian Philippa Ballantine is up and ready for your consumption!

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Going Green with the Pearly Whites!

I just have to say that I LOVE it when Mom Central gives me practical, needful things to try!
PLUS I get to save the environment. Because, you know, that's what we superheroes do nowadays.
Crap. I've just given away my secret identity.

So I got to check out this cool deal from Recycline Preserve in the form of - RECYCLED (and recyclable!!!) toothbrushes.

I was glad to be included on this blog tour because EVERYONE needs toothbrushes - and let me just say that some people I know need to develop more than a nodding acquaintance with one, because EW - and these are made from recycled yogurt cups.
Totally worth setting aside the spin brush - these toothbrushes have BACK-curved handles which were actually easier to use on the back teeth than those 45º front-angled ones.

Here's the best part: when you're done, send the toothbrush in its box (hahahaha! I just typoed "bocks" right there!) back to Preserve.
Your plaque-y, disgusting toothbrush gets recycled into plastic lumber for picnic tables and the like.

Important stuff to know: Target stores carry the Recycline Preserve toothbrushes for only $2.04. And if you go to the Preserve website you can print COUPONS as well as the mailing labels you'll need to send in your brush when you're done.


So my teeth are clean and sparkly AND I'm helping to use fewer natural resources.
And DON'T LET THE WATER RUN while you're brushing.
Is all I'm saying.

(OH and PS: Recycline Preserve has OTHER STUFF TOO, like razors, flavored toothpicks, even kitchenware and plates & cutlery!)

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Let's all take a moment to remember what this day means to each of us.

---

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

Tonight we present: HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME!

Having a 4th of July party? I'll play you some music that'll heat things up. Hook up the BIG speakers to your computer and...

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Get it while I'm hot!

Time to get your groove on.

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE! Only on EMPIRE Radio.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

Tonight we present: EMO-PALOOZA!
That's right -- put on your black clothes, grab a razor, and feel the angst.

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.


The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Hey, the cool other people do it.

Always leave 'em laughing

R.I.P., George Carlin.

I'll always remember the 7 dirty words.
And that my shit is stuff, and your stuff is shit.

I'll miss you, funny man.

It's Miller MONTY TIME!

TONIGHT! FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific

With a very special co-ho, Jack from Wander Radio!

Time to tune it in and TURN IT UP: EMPIRE RADIO (or click Listen Here)

The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.

Hey, the cool people do it.

Family Ties

ME: "I think she's trying to hook up with as many people as possible."
MOM: "Hook up, like in the biblical sense?"

---

**This portion of the post has been redacted on account of my sister throwing a fit about it. So I'll correct any misapprehension:
My sister is the most beautiful person ever. She is generous and loving and always cares about everyone else first. She is so kind that she would never even swat a fly or squash an ant.
Except for the little comment tantrum.
There. Although she did call me a big fat liar, so...

---

When a family member misprounounces a word, do you make fun of them so much about it that the mispronunciation becomes the WAY YOU SAY the word?

Like in my family, we say "kraut'ns" instead of "croutons". And "fatty-guys" for "fatigues". And "Cowsy-wowsy" for "Quasimodo" (yeah, thank my brother for that one).
TELL ME YOURS. Or are we the only stupid family?

---

My dad likes to make shit up. I mean, like this totally bogus BS and of course then we all make fun of him behind his back.
I'm pretty sure he knows.

It probably isn't as funny to anyone else, but we still laugh ourselves breathless over it.

Like one summer my dad was using muffin tins to make ice cubes...and he kept breaking glasses.
He said the glass was weak because they were old and had been washed in hot water so many times.... he didn't seem to think that trying to stuff muffin-sized ice cubes into the glass had ANYTHING to do with it.
So now whenever someone breaks a glass, we say that it must have been washed in hot water too many times.

And the time he was outside using the water hose to spray down the brick on the corner of their house (the corner which was my sister's bedroom at the time).
He said that wetting the brick would help keep my sister's room cooler.

The rest of us decided that perhaps she (sister) should run and turn off the ceiling fan in her room before icicles started forming on the ceiling.

Now, whenever we walk into a cool room in the summer, someone always says that Dad must've been outside watering the brick.

Oh, there is so much, much more.

---

Shit, I just realized that my family is totally insane.

---

I have PMS.

---

Do you think I can manage to lose 25lbs before BlogHer, short of liposuction?

---

So. How's your week been so far?
Entertain me. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENTERTAIN ME.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

Sphincter Clenching Fear

So you may have already heard that !!

As over-the-moon excited as I am about going, I'm filled almost equally with ever-mounting anxiety.
I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought What the hell have I gotten myself into?

It will be fine. I know it will. I'm SURE of it.

But see, the panel on which I'm sitting is about introversion, blogging, and blogher.
There's a reason that I'm on that panel.

I'm shy.

I've TOLD you that before. Whenever I do one of those "Tell Me X Things About Yourself" memes, I tell you I'm shy. You never believe me.
But it's the solid truth.
Meeting new people?? UH UH. Not good.
I can do it - I was a hotel GM and I had to do grand openings and sales blitzes and introduce myself and be chatty and personable and OH EM GEE I CAN'T HANDLE IT...but I do - although it's a struggle.

The most frightening thing about BlogHer, I think, is going to be meeting you guys.
I KNOW, I know, that's what I WANT to do.
But see, here's the thing: it's not often that you meet new people who ALREADY KNOW YOUR INSIDES.

See?
You people already know most of my deepest fears, my failings and failures, my most embarrassing moments, my meanest thoughts, my worst actions.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
And have offered your opinions on them.
How could I possibly expect you to take me seriously, in the flesh?
You will all know FAR more about me than 3 days acquaintance would normally allow.

How am I supposed to look you in the face when you know how angry and resentful I've been? When I've confessed that I made a lesbian joke at my great-grandma's funeral?

How can I meet your eyes when I have told you I BURNT OUT THE MOTOR IN MY VIBRATOR?

I feel a little sick just now. Woozy, even.

I mean, it's not like meeting someone in person at like...a three day retreat and walking up and saying "Hi. I'm a single mom and my son's really, really disabled and sometimes I hate my life and sometimes I think other people should really not complain about all the wonderful things they have and sometimes I can't imagine making it through the day, let alone the next week, and sometimes I say things and people laugh and that's good, especially when I wasn't even trying to be funny and OH YEAH, I'm really poor and make lousy money but I love my job, and I worry about things all the time and I worry about people all the time and I'm fat and self-conscious and I really love to voice my opinions but only online where I don't have to see people and I do this radio show which is fun but again, I don't have to see anyone and my car is a piece of shit and......."

You guys already know that and SO.MUCH.MORE.

In here, buried in the internets, I can say just what I want, whenever I want, with few repercussions. The worst that could possibly happen is that someone could unfollow me on twitter, or UNblogroll me, or I could get the occasional troll or heated email.
Plus also? Here, if I tell a joke and it falls flat I don't have to see you trying not to roll your eyes. If I say something without thinking (OH DEAR GOD EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE), I don't have to watch your nose crinkle in distaste or a sneer curl the corner of your mouth. I don't have to read your body language to see that I may have crossed a line or gone too far or made you uncomfortable.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to unclench until I'm safely back home again...or unless you guys can get me really, really drunk.

Why I don't read so many blogs anymore

I hope nobody takes it personally (although I know you will), because these are completely MY issues & shouldn't take anything away from you.

---

Why I may have stopped reading your blog:

1. I didn't stop reading it at all, I just use a feed reader & don't have time to comment very often - but I still love to read it!

2. Your "voice" has changed and I no longer feel like I have anything in common with you.

3. You have three or more posts whining about how nobody loves you anymore (because you got only 20 comments for a couple of days instead of the usual 40 or so).

4. You choose to curry favor with the "popular" bloggers.

5. You refer to yourself as a "popular" blogger or "blogebrity" or any of those other ridiculous terms.

6. You no longer entertain me.

7. I'm sorry, WHEN did I last see a comment from YOU or even your IP address in my stats?

8. Maybe I just found out about the "real" you, and I don't like you anymore because you're a total fake and possibly even a liar.

9. You regurgitate the same three posts over and over again, just changing the wording.

10. You've had 37 "epiphanies" or "self-realizations" over the last two or three years, but you've yet to do a single thing about ANY of them - although you keep saying that you're going to. YAWN.

11. Your blog is filled with videos and no real content. Plus also, all those videos take way too long to load and I have a short attention span.

---

I'm sure some people will choose to misunderstand - but I'll say it again anyway: there's nothing WRONG with any of those things on the list. I'm not trying to tell you how to use your blog. Whatever works for you is what you should absolutely do.
These are my issues only - don't try to make it all about you. This time, it's about me.

---

...because bad should always be balanced by good...

A Short Round-Up
(randomly selected by the tried and true "close your eyes and point" method)

A Top 10 list of "Daddages" can be found over at Golfwidow's place. Winston writes a naked haiku. WOO!

DeeJay shares a list of highlights from her SAHM years - I strongly suggest you look through the posts and check out her beautiful baby granddaughter as well. Brian writes a beautiful tribute with his usual eloquence (and also, yesterday was his birthday, so stop by & give him some love!).

Trollbaby talks about putting frogs on fishhooks and shooting tin cans. I think you better not get on her wrong side. :) Hilly seems to be feeling partly cloudy today.

My grandpa liked buttermilk with cornbread in it, just like Miss Anne - and like me, she likes the idea of sensory deprivation. My soulmate Mike Doe is hanging out with big-bosomed model-types (as usual) whilst taking a bite out of the Big Apple.

Neil goes back to his roots and discovers that people really ARE crazy there. PS You should visit him often - he's one of my favorite storytellers. And last but not least, my pal DawnieMom created this site, which is absolutely perfect for getting things off your chest when you don't want anyone to know it's YOU.

---

That is all.
Have a day.

What's good for the gander is good for a the goose.

I'll tell all you fellas the same thing I told the gals on Mommy's Day...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Keep up the good work.