Stuff I thought about today:
I think some people are scared to believe in heaven simply because then they'd have to believe in hell.
I hate it when Taco Bell puts my CrunchWrap in the box upside down.
I wish I had a cigarette.
How can I best annoy my sister today at work?
I hate it when Taco Bell gives me Pepsi when I ordered Dr. Pepper.
I hate it that I had to order Dr. Pepper because they don't have plain ol' iced tea.
Can you guess what I had for lunch today?
My horoscope for today said that my selfless side would be tested today.
To that I say that my selfless side is tested every day, because I'm terribly selfish.
Twice I've heard people (once on TV, once on the radio) use the phrase "scantily clad clothing."
I want to know...who dresses their clothes, for crap's sake?
How can CLOTHING be scantily clad?
I need a massage.
No, not the 'hey baby, I'll massage you *wink wink*'...but a real massage by a Swedish woman named Helga with big strong man-hands and a bad temper.
My back and shoulders feel like a clenched fist.
I wish I had a cigarette.
And coffee.
People, stop cutting the fabric tags out of your clothes. Makes my job harder.
I've accomplished very little in the way of work so far today.
Seems I lack motivation.
Since I write 'blurbs', or listings, every day and get paid for it...does that mean I can consider myself a writer by profession?
I'm really, really good at writing 'blurbs', or listings.
Some days (but only very rarely) I dislike some of my blogfriends for one reason or another.
Like when I see that they've removed me from their blogroll, for example.
Then I get over it, because it's stupid.
Sometimes I don't like for people to tell me "Have a nice day".
I want to say, "You're not the boss of me."
But I never do.
Sometimes I act like that weird, space-age-artsy-fartsy couple on Saturday Night Live...you know, the couple both named Nuni...and pretend to have trouble pronouncing the simplest words.
This makes people crazy.
This makes my day.
I wish I had a cigarette.
And a coffee.
And a cookie.
Have a nice day.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Stuff & Nonsense
**Go visit my tenant. And tell him I sent you. (Ladies, for every 10 2 people who comment, he'll remove an article of clothing. For reals.)
Quote Of The Day:
"The great thing about schizophrenia is that I always have each other." ~~aka_monty
"You want answers?"
"I want the truth!"
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
We'll just see about that...
The answers you've been waiting for:
**Update: Mary tells me that the audio cuts off right near the beginning. Anyone else having trouble with it? Let me know, please and thank you.
You can all just give "thanks" tomy pretend boyfriend Bob Gentry (whose music I love, so I forgive him) for the following MEME:
"My Perfect Partner..."
In no particular order:
1 Loves kids. Because I have a couple of 'em.
2 Is tolerant (of my many, many quirks) and patient.
3 Is reliable and honest.
4 Will think of me when I'm not around (but not in that weird stalkery way).
5 Not only has common interests, but offers what I lack.
6 Is organized (since I’m not) (This was actually Bob's answer, but it suits me as well. I'm terribly organized at work...but that's it)
7 Is neither a slacker nor a workaholic~aren't there any in-betweeners left??
8 Is faithful.
9 Is smart. Brains are such a turn-on.
10 Doesn't mind that occasionally I'm needy, and occasionally I vahnt to be alone.
I know there're more...but these are some of the biggies.
I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect....I'm just looking for Mr. Perfect-for-me.
Now, I'm not tagging anyone, as it tends to bring on stoning and poking with 10-foot-poles.
However, feel free to tag thyself, and drop me a comment so that I can come admire your work.
That is all.
Quote Of The Day:
"The great thing about schizophrenia is that I always have each other." ~~aka_monty
"You want answers?"
"I want the truth!"
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
We'll just see about that...
The answers you've been waiting for:
**Update: Mary tells me that the audio cuts off right near the beginning. Anyone else having trouble with it? Let me know, please and thank you.
You can all just give "thanks" to
In no particular order:
1 Loves kids. Because I have a couple of 'em.
2 Is tolerant (of my many, many quirks) and patient.
3 Is reliable and honest.
4 Will think of me when I'm not around (but not in that weird stalkery way).
5 Not only has common interests, but offers what I lack.
6 Is organized (since I’m not) (This was actually Bob's answer, but it suits me as well. I'm terribly organized at work...but that's it)
7 Is neither a slacker nor a workaholic~aren't there any in-betweeners left??
8 Is faithful.
9 Is smart. Brains are such a turn-on.
10 Doesn't mind that occasionally I'm needy, and occasionally I vahnt to be alone.
I know there're more...but these are some of the biggies.
I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect....I'm just looking for Mr. Perfect-for-me.
Now, I'm not tagging anyone, as it tends to bring on stoning and poking with 10-foot-poles.
However, feel free to tag thyself, and drop me a comment so that I can come admire your work.
That is all.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Just to narrow it down...
...a little bit. Number Two on the list is, in fact, true.
Sorry, MommaK.
Yes, I know it appears backwards...that's how I tell time. :)
Hmmm....what other three things are true?
Thanks for all the great music suggestions~I actually hadn't even heard of quite a few of those people. But I'm getting some really great music thanks to you!
**HEY, I'VE GOT A BOY TENANT this time! Ladies, I'm sure we'll catch him coming out of the shower sooner or later, so CLICKIT, won't you?
Dig around there~Jeremy is completely twisted and makes me laugh, laugh, laugh.
I'm a little bit in ♥
Ready?
GO!
"You will have Monty for the rest of the day" actually sounds pretty good to me. So eat some bananas, will you? We'll have to be quick, between the lightning flashes.
Sorry, MommaK.
Yes, I know it appears backwards...that's how I tell time. :)
Hmmm....what other three things are true?
Thanks for all the great music suggestions~I actually hadn't even heard of quite a few of those people. But I'm getting some really great music thanks to you!
**HEY, I'VE GOT A BOY TENANT this time! Ladies, I'm sure we'll catch him coming out of the shower sooner or later, so CLICKIT, won't you?
Dig around there~Jeremy is completely twisted and makes me laugh, laugh, laugh.
I'm a little bit in ♥
Ready?
GO!
Ten Top Trivia Tips about Monty!
- When Monty is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
- Owls cannot move their eyes, because their eyeballs are shaped like Monty.
- A thimbleful of Monty would weigh over 100 million tons.
- Research indicates that Monty will be attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas!
- Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of Monty in a day.
- Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Monty supply.
- If you don't get out of bed on the same side you got in, you will have Monty for the rest of the day!
- Lightning strikes Monty over seven times every hour.
- During severe windstorms, Monty may sway several feet to either side.
- Monty can sleep for three and a half years.
"You will have Monty for the rest of the day" actually sounds pretty good to me. So eat some bananas, will you? We'll have to be quick, between the lightning flashes.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
True Confessions, Part I
but first...
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"I can't be doing this thinking things through, it takes far too long." ~~Rocky Hardcastle, As Time Goes By
I'm totally on board with that.
My daughter and I were going to race from my house, across the yard and driveway to my mom's house next door, but by the time I got to the bottom...
.....of my porch steps, I was winded.
;)
I was working on my FAREWELL POST (see the one entitled 'There's a hole in my heart...') and it was so awesome that I made myself cry.
You guys are totally going to bawl when you read it.
Provided you outlive me, that is.
Quick question: Would it be in poor taste to eulogize myself with an audio post (pre-prepared, naturally)?
Because that would be cool.
True Confessions.
Four Truths And A Lie
Do you know which is which?
1. I have been arrested.
2. I wear a Popeye watch.
3. I threw my panties on stage at the Russell Crowe (TOFOG) concert.
4. I have dangled upside down, in mid-air, from a helicopter.
5. I have an IQ of 145.
What I am thankful for today...
The morning double-look-back-wave-kiss-blow as she walked off to school.
That is all.
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"I can't be doing this thinking things through, it takes far too long." ~~Rocky Hardcastle, As Time Goes By
I'm totally on board with that.
My daughter and I were going to race from my house, across the yard and driveway to my mom's house next door, but by the time I got to the bottom...
.....of my porch steps, I was winded.
;)
I was working on my FAREWELL POST (see the one entitled 'There's a hole in my heart...') and it was so awesome that I made myself cry.
You guys are totally going to bawl when you read it.
Provided you outlive me, that is.
Quick question: Would it be in poor taste to eulogize myself with an audio post (pre-prepared, naturally)?
Because that would be cool.
True Confessions.
Four Truths And A Lie
Do you know which is which?
1. I have been arrested.
2. I wear a Popeye watch.
3. I threw my panties on stage at the Russell Crowe (TOFOG) concert.
4. I have dangled upside down, in mid-air, from a helicopter.
5. I have an IQ of 145.
What I am thankful for today...
The morning double-look-back-wave-kiss-blow as she walked off to school.
That is all.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Be my muse-ic
**Don't forget to visit GIDGET, my tenant over there on the sidebar. You do know how to clickit, don't you? You just put your finger on the mouse and...push.
Okay, so recently I was given an iTunes gift card. (and thanks EVER SO, you know who you are and I love you!)
I immediately spent a good portion of it on two personal favorites: Bob and TOFOG . Yeaaaaaahhhhh.
Now, I need to spend the rest, as it is burning a hole in my...computer.
Give me your best recommendations.
Bear in mind that I have very eclectic musical tastes, with jazz being my least favorite. Though some of it I enjoy. I like oldies, classic rock, some c&w, folk music...
Anything with those slutty pop music girls is out. I've already got Genie In A Bottle. That's all I can take.
But other than that...give me your best suggestions. Chances are I'll already have some of them downloaded. If not, then I will trust your excellent musical taste.
Okay, so recently I was given an iTunes gift card. (and thanks EVER SO, you know who you are and I love you!)
I immediately spent a good portion of it on two personal favorites: Bob and TOFOG . Yeaaaaaahhhhh.
Now, I need to spend the rest, as it is burning a hole in my...computer.
Give me your best recommendations.
Bear in mind that I have very eclectic musical tastes, with jazz being my least favorite. Though some of it I enjoy. I like oldies, classic rock, some c&w, folk music...
Anything with those slutty pop music girls is out. I've already got Genie In A Bottle. That's all I can take.
But other than that...give me your best suggestions. Chances are I'll already have some of them downloaded. If not, then I will trust your excellent musical taste.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
And me without my muff...
What? I'm in the spotlight?
Here I sit in my bathrobe, with my hair all uncombed...and no speech prepared or anything.
So I shall just say "Welcome, friends of FTS! Thanks for coming!"
And thanks FTS, I'm honored to be site of the week.
Do come in and have a cuppa, won't you?
I was just saying to Meg yesterday that I tend to get too emotionally involved.
With everything.
I do. My emotions rule me sometimes.
A large portion of the time.
I can't help it.
That all really has nothing to do with anything.
I'm just sayin'.
Is it weird that I think about you guys sometimes?
Because I do.
During my everyday life, I mean.
I guess that's where I was going with the whole 'emotionally involved' thingy.
Sometimes I'll be at work thinking "I hope Raehan has a post about her kids today, because I love those" or "I wonder what Mags is going to say that will make me laugh today".
Sometimes I think about you personally, like "I hope Michele's ankle is getting better" and "I wonder how Brandie's classes are going" and "I need to ask Sleeping Mommy & J&JsMom if their kids are over their illnesses". "Has Nancy given birth to the Alien yet? Is the bag FINALLY packed?"
I might be at a restaurant and think "MommaK would LOVE this Mexican food!" or "Too bad FTS isn't here to taste this ultra-super-dee-duper hotter-than-hell HOT SAUCE".
When I'm at the book store I think "Oh, I wonder if Megan has read this yet!" and "Kat writes SO much better than this!" or "I can't wait for Thumper to publish another book!"
I saw a really high tech fancy-schmancy capuccino/espresso maker the other day and wondered (aloud) if Steph had gotten one for Christmas. Whenever I pass Rose State (every day)(twice) I wave and shout "HI!", because Amanda works there.
Whenever I'm looking through an Avon catalogue, I long for Birdie to be my sales rep. I want to buy her stuff while she tells me more of her adventures.
When I'm going to the drugstore, I hope that Jessica might be behind the counter.
Almost every day I wish that Mamacita was my next door neighbor so I could pop in and visit and ask for advice. On everything. She knows stuff.
Even grocery shopping I remember what Ivy said about not knowing who around you might be a fellow blogger...so when I see someone that resembles what YOU look like in my head, or looks enough like that picture of you that I've seen, I smile at them. And wonder.
Is it you?
Someday, it just might be.
Do you ever think about your online friends in the course of your normal day?
Or is that just me?
And does it mean that I'm truly pathetic and need to get a life?
I gave my daughter chocolate chip cookies for breakfast today.
Here I sit in my bathrobe, with my hair all uncombed...and no speech prepared or anything.
So I shall just say "Welcome, friends of FTS! Thanks for coming!"
And thanks FTS, I'm honored to be site of the week.
Do come in and have a cuppa, won't you?
I was just saying to Meg yesterday that I tend to get too emotionally involved.
With everything.
I do. My emotions rule me sometimes.
A large portion of the time.
I can't help it.
That all really has nothing to do with anything.
I'm just sayin'.
Is it weird that I think about you guys sometimes?
Because I do.
During my everyday life, I mean.
I guess that's where I was going with the whole 'emotionally involved' thingy.
Sometimes I'll be at work thinking "I hope Raehan has a post about her kids today, because I love those" or "I wonder what Mags is going to say that will make me laugh today".
Sometimes I think about you personally, like "I hope Michele's ankle is getting better" and "I wonder how Brandie's classes are going" and "I need to ask Sleeping Mommy & J&JsMom if their kids are over their illnesses". "Has Nancy given birth to the Alien yet? Is the bag FINALLY packed?"
I might be at a restaurant and think "MommaK would LOVE this Mexican food!" or "Too bad FTS isn't here to taste this ultra-super-dee-duper hotter-than-hell HOT SAUCE".
When I'm at the book store I think "Oh, I wonder if Megan has read this yet!" and "Kat writes SO much better than this!" or "I can't wait for Thumper to publish another book!"
I saw a really high tech fancy-schmancy capuccino/espresso maker the other day and wondered (aloud) if Steph had gotten one for Christmas. Whenever I pass Rose State (every day)(twice) I wave and shout "HI!", because Amanda works there.
Whenever I'm looking through an Avon catalogue, I long for Birdie to be my sales rep. I want to buy her stuff while she tells me more of her adventures.
When I'm going to the drugstore, I hope that Jessica might be behind the counter.
Almost every day I wish that Mamacita was my next door neighbor so I could pop in and visit and ask for advice. On everything. She knows stuff.
Even grocery shopping I remember what Ivy said about not knowing who around you might be a fellow blogger...so when I see someone that resembles what YOU look like in my head, or looks enough like that picture of you that I've seen, I smile at them. And wonder.
Is it you?
Someday, it just might be.
Do you ever think about your online friends in the course of your normal day?
Or is that just me?
And does it mean that I'm truly pathetic and need to get a life?
I gave my daughter chocolate chip cookies for breakfast today.
I got nothin'. Yet.
**Look over there on the sidebar~~see where it says "No Thumbnail Available"? No, it isn't just a clever gimmick~although it could be.
Clickit. She's my new tenant and I find that she is just as O/C as the rest of us!
Go give her a lovely welcome from her landlady, won't you please?
I have a story I want to tell you...but it's about something that still pisses me off even though it happened a few months ago and I need to work it out in my head.
The other people involved in this little drama I have to tell you about are in the midst of another drama right now~~spewing the usual hatred and bile whilst loudly proclaiming how little they care about what other people think.
I seriously doubt that last bit is true, otherwise why bother?
My blood pressure rises every time I think about it.
Two of you already know this story, and unfortunately you had to hear about it from me whilst it was still fresh and I was enraged. So if I haven't thanked you properly, consider this a big THANKS for listening to me and gettin' my back.
I have been back & forth over whether or not to post about it or just let it go...
I have been back & forth over whether or not to post the links to the vile creatures...
...I don't want to give them any traffic, AND I don't want to stir up yet more anger and ugliness.
When I work it all out, you'll be the first to know.
Until then, I leave you with this:
That is all.
Clickit. She's my new tenant and I find that she is just as O/C as the rest of us!
Go give her a lovely welcome from her landlady, won't you please?
I have a story I want to tell you...but it's about something that still pisses me off even though it happened a few months ago and I need to work it out in my head.
The other people involved in this little drama I have to tell you about are in the midst of another drama right now~~spewing the usual hatred and bile whilst loudly proclaiming how little they care about what other people think.
I seriously doubt that last bit is true, otherwise why bother?
My blood pressure rises every time I think about it.
Two of you already know this story, and unfortunately you had to hear about it from me whilst it was still fresh and I was enraged. So if I haven't thanked you properly, consider this a big THANKS for listening to me and gettin' my back.
I have been back & forth over whether or not to post about it or just let it go...
I have been back & forth over whether or not to post the links to the vile creatures...
...I don't want to give them any traffic, AND I don't want to stir up yet more anger and ugliness.
When I work it all out, you'll be the first to know.
Until then, I leave you with this:
That is all.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Oh hell.
You can all just go "thank" MISS CORI for today's post. :)
Mango, Norman, stop right there. I know how much you hate memes.
1. Hum a jingle to which you know all the words.
Why do I have to hum it if I know all the words?
I'll sing it.
HOT DOGS! ARMOUR HOT DOGS! What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks!
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox
love HOT DOGS! ARMOUR HOT DOGS!
The DOGS! KIDS! LOVE! TO! BIIIIIITE!
2. As a kid, you played a board game over and over. And you cheated you little bastard. What was the game?
Me, cheat? Are you kidding?
Oh, okay. Any game I played with my brother, I cheated.
EVERY game.
And I always pushed to play Monopoly, because he was 5 years younger than me and didn't understand the concept of money. I ended up owning everything. And then some.
3. What is the name of the song that you have been singing the incorrect words all these years? What were you singing? What should you have been singing?
Growing up there were two songs in particular that I sang the wrong lyrics to, and they still play that way in my head.
Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, my way:
"Wastin' away again in my Gareetaville...searchin' for my lost jigger saw..."
The correct lyrics:
"Wastin' away again in Margaritaville, searchin' for my lost shaker of salt..."
Don't ask me what I thought a Gareetaville was. I have no idea. I thought it was just one of those grown-up things I didn't understand.
Jet Airliner by Steve Miller, my way:
"Ohohoh big old Chad and Lionel, don't carry me too far away..."
This was always accompanied by the mental picture of two big bruiser types dragging some suit-clad guy away by the arms, ostensibly to beat his ass.
The correct lyrics:
"Ohohoh big ol' jet airliner, don't carry me too far away..."
My way is more fun.
4. What is the most embarrassing childhood story that your parents drag out just to fuck with you for their own private amusement?
Oh, there are so many...
I guess one of the most embarrassing is the story of Monty's First Auto Accident.
I grew up out in the country, with lots of acreage and dirt & gravel roads.
One day I was out "practicing" my driving in my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car and a jackrabbit hopped across the road in front of me. I was on loose gravel. I was startled, tromped the brakes, yanked the wheel...
....and slid sideways into a ditch, crushing in the side of my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car.
My punishment was having to drive my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car to SCHOOL for a whole year. Squealing brakes and all. It looked sort of like this, only vomit green.
To a 15/16 year old girl, you can imagine what that did for my social life.
Luckily, I was cute.
I am so cool, you're lucky to know me.
That is all.
Mango, Norman, stop right there. I know how much you hate memes.
1. Hum a jingle to which you know all the words.
Why do I have to hum it if I know all the words?
I'll sing it.
HOT DOGS! ARMOUR HOT DOGS! What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks!
Tough kids, sissy kids, even kids with chicken pox
love HOT DOGS! ARMOUR HOT DOGS!
The DOGS! KIDS! LOVE! TO! BIIIIIITE!
2. As a kid, you played a board game over and over. And you cheated you little bastard. What was the game?
Me, cheat? Are you kidding?
Oh, okay. Any game I played with my brother, I cheated.
EVERY game.
And I always pushed to play Monopoly, because he was 5 years younger than me and didn't understand the concept of money. I ended up owning everything. And then some.
3. What is the name of the song that you have been singing the incorrect words all these years? What were you singing? What should you have been singing?
Growing up there were two songs in particular that I sang the wrong lyrics to, and they still play that way in my head.
Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, my way:
"Wastin' away again in my Gareetaville...searchin' for my lost jigger saw..."
The correct lyrics:
"Wastin' away again in Margaritaville, searchin' for my lost shaker of salt..."
Don't ask me what I thought a Gareetaville was. I have no idea. I thought it was just one of those grown-up things I didn't understand.
Jet Airliner by Steve Miller, my way:
"Ohohoh big old Chad and Lionel, don't carry me too far away..."
This was always accompanied by the mental picture of two big bruiser types dragging some suit-clad guy away by the arms, ostensibly to beat his ass.
The correct lyrics:
"Ohohoh big ol' jet airliner, don't carry me too far away..."
My way is more fun.
4. What is the most embarrassing childhood story that your parents drag out just to fuck with you for their own private amusement?
Oh, there are so many...
I guess one of the most embarrassing is the story of Monty's First Auto Accident.
I grew up out in the country, with lots of acreage and dirt & gravel roads.
One day I was out "practicing" my driving in my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car and a jackrabbit hopped across the road in front of me. I was on loose gravel. I was startled, tromped the brakes, yanked the wheel...
....and slid sideways into a ditch, crushing in the side of my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car.
My punishment was having to drive my mom's (vomit green VALIANT *shudder*) car to SCHOOL for a whole year. Squealing brakes and all. It looked sort of like this, only vomit green.
To a 15/16 year old girl, you can imagine what that did for my social life.
Luckily, I was cute.
I am so cool, you're lucky to know me.
That is all.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
S-Words for $200, Alex
but first...
**Don't miss this opportunity to go catch my tenant doing something naughty! Hurry, before you miss all the fun!
DAUGHTER: "I have to tell you something, it has a bad word in it. The 'S' word."
ME: Okay...
DAUGHTER: "Me and Sarah saw the dogs doing the ess-eee-ex on each other. We just turned our heads and didn't watch."
(**both our dogs are boys)
*sigh*
And thus came our first real opportunity to talk about the S-E-X.
I should probably read up on it.
Sex, I mean.
It doesn't count as a Meme if you don't get tagged.
Or if you just make it up because you had nothing better to say.
5 Movie Quotes That Are OVERused By Me:
Okay, the first isn't a movie quote, it's from an episode of Friends...
1. "You don't KNOW! You weren't THERE!"
For every injury suffered...
2. "It's just a flesh wound!" (If this needs explanation, then there's no hope for you)
Whenever the opportunity arises, just because I like it...
3. "I just hate you and I hate your ass face!" (Waiting For Guffman)
When I get interrupted...
4. "So anyway, back to me." (The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert)
When someone gets the better of me (as if THAT ever happens) and I can't think of a good comeback...
5. "Well...DOUBLE DUMBASS ON YOU!" (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home)
(no, I do not say the naughty ones to my children)(but I do think them)(simply out ofbad habit)
5 Things I Do To Annoy People On Purpose:
1. Correct their grammar. Especially the incorrect use of I.
2. Use words (sometimes nonsensical ones that I make up) that I know they won't understand
3. Snap my gum loudly between my back teeth
4. Try to move my lips in sync with someone who is talking to me. (this is the most fun thing to do, plus it's the most annoying)
5. Deliberately misunderstand people and make them repeat themselves over & over.
I told you it wasn't a Meme.
That means you are not tagged.
That is all.
**Don't miss this opportunity to go catch my tenant doing something naughty! Hurry, before you miss all the fun!
DAUGHTER: "I have to tell you something, it has a bad word in it. The 'S' word."
ME: Okay...
DAUGHTER: "Me and Sarah saw the dogs doing the ess-eee-ex on each other. We just turned our heads and didn't watch."
(**both our dogs are boys)
*sigh*
And thus came our first real opportunity to talk about the S-E-X.
I should probably read up on it.
Sex, I mean.
It doesn't count as a Meme if you don't get tagged.
Or if you just make it up because you had nothing better to say.
5 Movie Quotes That Are OVERused By Me:
Okay, the first isn't a movie quote, it's from an episode of Friends...
1. "You don't KNOW! You weren't THERE!"
For every injury suffered...
2. "It's just a flesh wound!" (If this needs explanation, then there's no hope for you)
Whenever the opportunity arises, just because I like it...
3. "I just hate you and I hate your ass face!" (Waiting For Guffman)
When I get interrupted...
4. "So anyway, back to me." (The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert)
When someone gets the better of me (as if THAT ever happens) and I can't think of a good comeback...
5. "Well...DOUBLE DUMBASS ON YOU!" (Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home)
(no, I do not say the naughty ones to my children)(but I do think them)(simply out of
5 Things I Do To Annoy People On Purpose:
1. Correct their grammar. Especially the incorrect use of I.
2. Use words (sometimes nonsensical ones that I make up) that I know they won't understand
3. Snap my gum loudly between my back teeth
4. Try to move my lips in sync with someone who is talking to me. (this is the most fun thing to do, plus it's the most annoying)
5. Deliberately misunderstand people and make them repeat themselves over & over.
I told you it wasn't a Meme.
That means you are not tagged.
That is all.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Voices, I hear voices...part II
Do you ever spend any time imagining what your blog-friend's voices sound like?
Or is that just me?
Now Brian and Jules sound exactly like I imagined them. FTS sounds close, only I supposed he'd have a big Texas drawl, which, in fact, he does not.
I know what my darling MommaK sounds like, from a brief blip of voicemail. Someday we'll actually catch up and have a real conversation.
And Megan sounds as beautiful to my ears as her writing appears to my eyes and heart.
I have spent much time listening tomy pretend boyfriend Bob Gentry sing just to me...(seriously, buy some of his music. He's AWESOME! Upside Down is my favorite so far)
At some point or another, I have thought about, wondered, what you sound like.
Just for example...
I imagine that Mikey sounds like he paaaaaahks caaaaaaaahs in the Haaaaaahvaaahd yaaaaaahd.
And maybe this is just name association, but every time my kids watch the movie Hercules and I hear Meg speak, I imagine that's what my Meg sounds like.
The Doctors could confirm or deny this, but in my mind Michele's voice is like warm whiskey wrapped in silk.
And J&JsMom? I know what she looks like, and the matching voice in my head is what a swift, cool breeze on a sunny day would sound like if it could speak.
I imagine that my tenant Angie has a voice full of bubbling laughter.
I imagine Brando has a dreamy, husky voice with just a hint of an accent.
I think Tommy has a clipped, commanding voice, except when he's being appropriately meek at home with Peaches.
I imagine Lu's voice to be as sweet and smooth as honey-soaked velvet.
Those are just a very few random examples.
I've wondered about ALL of you.
Every.
Single.
One. *she says in her best William Shatner impersonation*
Now, close your eyes for a minute....
What do you think I sound like?
Now, see how close you are:
I had trouble with that~it was sort of like talking to an answering machine~you know, your tongue gets tangled and your brain freezes up and you completely lose all ability to speak.
This may be a first-and-last time thing for me.
But you should try it. Fo' reals yo.
My daughter was helping to fold the laundry last evening...
She came into the living room holding a pair of my jeans and said, "These can't be mine or Bubba's, they're TOTALLY HUGE!"
She is so grounded.
Saturday night I watched The Magnificent Seven.
I've said it before and it bears repeating...
Yul Brynner is the reason I find bald guys completely hot.
Or is that just me?
Now Brian and Jules sound exactly like I imagined them. FTS sounds close, only I supposed he'd have a big Texas drawl, which, in fact, he does not.
I know what my darling MommaK sounds like, from a brief blip of voicemail. Someday we'll actually catch up and have a real conversation.
And Megan sounds as beautiful to my ears as her writing appears to my eyes and heart.
I have spent much time listening to
At some point or another, I have thought about, wondered, what you sound like.
Just for example...
I imagine that Mikey sounds like he paaaaaahks caaaaaaaahs in the Haaaaaahvaaahd yaaaaaahd.
And maybe this is just name association, but every time my kids watch the movie Hercules and I hear Meg speak, I imagine that's what my Meg sounds like.
The Doctors could confirm or deny this, but in my mind Michele's voice is like warm whiskey wrapped in silk.
And J&JsMom? I know what she looks like, and the matching voice in my head is what a swift, cool breeze on a sunny day would sound like if it could speak.
I imagine that my tenant Angie has a voice full of bubbling laughter.
I imagine Brando has a dreamy, husky voice with just a hint of an accent.
I think Tommy has a clipped, commanding voice, except when he's being appropriately meek at home with Peaches.
I imagine Lu's voice to be as sweet and smooth as honey-soaked velvet.
Those are just a very few random examples.
I've wondered about ALL of you.
Every.
Single.
One. *she says in her best William Shatner impersonation*
Now, close your eyes for a minute....
What do you think I sound like?
Now, see how close you are:
I had trouble with that~it was sort of like talking to an answering machine~you know, your tongue gets tangled and your brain freezes up and you completely lose all ability to speak.
This may be a first-and-last time thing for me.
But you should try it. Fo' reals yo.
My daughter was helping to fold the laundry last evening...
She came into the living room holding a pair of my jeans and said, "These can't be mine or Bubba's, they're TOTALLY HUGE!"
She is so grounded.
Saturday night I watched The Magnificent Seven.
I've said it before and it bears repeating...
Yul Brynner is the reason I find bald guys completely hot.
Sunday and me
**Run over to my tenant's place and sing her this song:
"Angie baby, you're a special lady...livin' in a world of make believe..well, maybe..."
She loves that.
And am I the only person who remembers Helen Reddy?
SUNDAY A & Q TIME!
I give the answer, you tell me the question. You should know this by now.
"No, it is NOT meant to stretch that far."
So okay, I got three nice new books for Christmas. I did my best (though it was a struggle) not to gobble them up all at once. Then the other day I realized that I was three-quarters through with my very last book.
It was like...looking in the Oreo package and seeing only one broken piece of cookie left.
Naturally I did what any sensible person would do, I ran to the store for a new book.
Thank you, 24-hour Walgreen's!
Anyway, one of my favorite authors, J.A. Jance had a new book out, Edge Of Evil.
I would have bought it because I enjoy that author, but was quite interested to read on the blurb that a large portion of the story dealt with blogging.
I wanted to see if she did her research~so many people have pre-conceived notions of what blogging and bloggers are all about.
I'll be sure to let you know. OR you could read it yourself. But don't tell me how it turns out, mmmkay? I've never, ever been one to read the end of the book first~the anticipation and build-up in getting to the end is half the fun.
Sort of like with sex.
If I'm remembering it correctly.
"Angie baby, you're a special lady...livin' in a world of make believe..well, maybe..."
She loves that.
And am I the only person who remembers Helen Reddy?
SUNDAY A & Q TIME!
I give the answer, you tell me the question. You should know this by now.
"No, it is NOT meant to stretch that far."
So okay, I got three nice new books for Christmas. I did my best (though it was a struggle) not to gobble them up all at once. Then the other day I realized that I was three-quarters through with my very last book.
It was like...looking in the Oreo package and seeing only one broken piece of cookie left.
Naturally I did what any sensible person would do, I ran to the store for a new book.
Thank you, 24-hour Walgreen's!
Anyway, one of my favorite authors, J.A. Jance had a new book out, Edge Of Evil.
I would have bought it because I enjoy that author, but was quite interested to read on the blurb that a large portion of the story dealt with blogging.
I wanted to see if she did her research~so many people have pre-conceived notions of what blogging and bloggers are all about.
I'll be sure to let you know. OR you could read it yourself. But don't tell me how it turns out, mmmkay? I've never, ever been one to read the end of the book first~the anticipation and build-up in getting to the end is half the fun.
Sort of like with sex.
If I'm remembering it correctly.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Voices, I hear voices..
**Just because my tenants move out every week does not mean I'm a bad slumlord landlady.
Please go visit my newest tenant (and a long time favorite), that Queen of the 80's, that Leader of the Housewife Mafia....ANGIE from FICKEN CHINGERS!
Do it.
You know you want to.
An overheard conversation in my head:
ME: I need a cigarette.
SELF: No, you really don't.
ME: I DO. Just one.
SELF: No, you really don't. Why throw away all your hard work?
ME: Bitch. I said JUST ONE.
SELF: First one, then two...then you're back to a pack a day.
ME: HA! Liar. I never smoked a pack a day. Maybe...three quarters of a pack.
SELF: *sigh* Close enough. Think of how many people, especially your daughter, who would be so disappointed.
ME: I can have just one. I'll mooch one from C at work.
SELF: So mom just wasted that money getting you the patch that YOU requested for Christmas.
ME: Bite my ass. Bitch. I can do whatever I damn well want. It's my money.
SELF: No, actually its my money. I earned it.
ME: How do you figure?
SELF: Umm, gee, because MY section of the brain knows how to read and type...
ME: (fuck you...)
SELF: ...while YOUR section of the brain just wants cigarettes and chocolate.
ME: (...and the horse you rode in on)
SELF: So NO cigarettes. And that's final.
ME: I hate you.
this is actually a daily conversation.
Please go visit my newest tenant (and a long time favorite), that Queen of the 80's, that Leader of the Housewife Mafia....ANGIE from FICKEN CHINGERS!
Do it.
You know you want to.
An overheard conversation in my head:
ME: I need a cigarette.
SELF: No, you really don't.
ME: I DO. Just one.
SELF: No, you really don't. Why throw away all your hard work?
ME: Bitch. I said JUST ONE.
SELF: First one, then two...then you're back to a pack a day.
ME: HA! Liar. I never smoked a pack a day. Maybe...three quarters of a pack.
SELF: *sigh* Close enough. Think of how many people, especially your daughter, who would be so disappointed.
ME: I can have just one. I'll mooch one from C at work.
SELF: So mom just wasted that money getting you the patch that YOU requested for Christmas.
ME: Bite my ass. Bitch. I can do whatever I damn well want. It's my money.
SELF: No, actually its my money. I earned it.
ME: How do you figure?
SELF: Umm, gee, because MY section of the brain knows how to read and type...
ME: (fuck you...)
SELF: ...while YOUR section of the brain just wants cigarettes and chocolate.
ME: (...and the horse you rode in on)
SELF: So NO cigarettes. And that's final.
ME: I hate you.
this is actually a daily conversation.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I had no idea...
....that it was National De-Lurking Week!
You know what to do.
You know those IcyHot patch thingies that you put on achy muscles?
I was wondering if someone could make me a shirt out of those.
You know what to do.
You know those IcyHot patch thingies that you put on achy muscles?
I was wondering if someone could make me a shirt out of those.
Monday, January 09, 2006
*yaaawn*
HURRY! Click my tenant over there on the left sidebar, Soapbox.SUPERSTAR~~**the first 50 visitors get an autographed picture of her in the nude!
Verbal Intelligence Test Results
Sir Francis Galton, the cousin of Charles Darwin, first popularized the notion of measurable intelligence in the late 1800s. Charles Spearman later discovered that all mental abilities tend to correlate together when statistically analyzed. He called this G. Modern researchers tend to agree that there are two kinds of intelligence, crystallized intelligence (learned knowledge) and fluid intelligence (abstract processing ability). Verbal tests tend to measure crystallized intelligence more. While fluid intelligence peaks between the ages of 18-21, dropping after that, crystallized intelligence can increase as you get older and does not degrade (usually) until fairly late in life. According to a number of studies, the correlation between vocabulary and general iq is around .8 (a very high correlation).
Your overall percentile is 85% which means you scored higher than 85% of the people who have taken this test. The internet population tends to be more intelligent so your percentile might be higher if the test taking sample was perfectly random. Keep in mind, taking this test more than once will render your percentile score inaccurate because the percentile scoring assumes these questions were fresh to the test taker.
The point of this test is to challenge you and show you how you compare to other test takers on a set of novel questions. Consequently, the answers need to be kept secret to protect the integrity of the test.
Take the test yourself.
I underlined that little bit...YOU are my peers. Aren't you happy to know you're more intelligent than, say...non-bloggers? ;)
Sister: "I would never be able to make a good prostitute, being on my knees is too uncomfortable." (she was on the floor taking pictures of some shoes, perv)
ME: "Oh, don't sell yourself short!"
Aren't I a nice sister?
TWO WEEKS AND TWO DAYS SMOKE FREE.
I think I'm going to die.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement!!
Speaking of this whole Rent My Blog thing...did you know I've been DENIED every single time I've bid?
I'm starting to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, when she tried to go shopping and no one would help her.
I'm taking it personally, yes I am.
**i totally made that part up
Sir Francis Galton, the cousin of Charles Darwin, first popularized the notion of measurable intelligence in the late 1800s. Charles Spearman later discovered that all mental abilities tend to correlate together when statistically analyzed. He called this G. Modern researchers tend to agree that there are two kinds of intelligence, crystallized intelligence (learned knowledge) and fluid intelligence (abstract processing ability). Verbal tests tend to measure crystallized intelligence more. While fluid intelligence peaks between the ages of 18-21, dropping after that, crystallized intelligence can increase as you get older and does not degrade (usually) until fairly late in life. According to a number of studies, the correlation between vocabulary and general iq is around .8 (a very high correlation).
Your overall percentile is 85% which means you scored higher than 85% of the people who have taken this test. The internet population tends to be more intelligent so your percentile might be higher if the test taking sample was perfectly random. Keep in mind, taking this test more than once will render your percentile score inaccurate because the percentile scoring assumes these questions were fresh to the test taker.
The point of this test is to challenge you and show you how you compare to other test takers on a set of novel questions. Consequently, the answers need to be kept secret to protect the integrity of the test.
Take the test yourself.
I underlined that little bit...YOU are my peers. Aren't you happy to know you're more intelligent than, say...non-bloggers? ;)
Sister: "I would never be able to make a good prostitute, being on my knees is too uncomfortable." (she was on the floor taking pictures of some shoes, perv)
ME: "Oh, don't sell yourself short!"
Aren't I a nice sister?
TWO WEEKS AND TWO DAYS SMOKE FREE.
I think I'm going to die.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement!!
Speaking of this whole Rent My Blog thing...did you know I've been DENIED every single time I've bid?
I'm starting to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, when she tried to go shopping and no one would help her.
I'm taking it personally, yes I am.
**i totally made that part up
Sunday, January 08, 2006
What's in a name, anyway?
"...so I called him a mother-fucker. Which...which...is linguistically correct, because I'm a mother and he....used to..." ~~Goldie Hawn, Wildcats
So I've never thought of myself as a "Mommy Blogger". I never really thought anyone else did, until I somehow found myself saddled with that label at the Thunderdome. I have no idea why. I don't write about my kids all that often...do I? I don't post a lot of pictures of them...do I?
So I wondered how I got the 'dreaded' Mommy Blog tag.
Luckily, I wasn't one to get my knickers in a twist, my panties in a bunch, whatever, over something like that.
I don't find "Mommy Blog" an offensive term.
I don't know why some people, even those who are actually Mommies, do find it offensive.
WHY is it offensive?
My pal MommaK posted that very question when I was embroiled in the Thunderdome contest.
Seriously, you can actually hear the sneer when someone mentions "Mommy Blog".
How did the connotations become so negative?
Do those people truly hate their own mothers so much?
Do they have no respect for the woman who gave them life?
When did it become fashionable to deny your motherhood? Do you dislike being a mother so much that you must protest Mommy Blogdom in your loudest voice and vilest language?
Niiiice example you're setting for that kid.
I look forward to seeing you all on Jerry Springer someday.
Mommy. Blogger.
Are you a Mommy?
Do you blog?
Why do the two words combined in a linguistically correct term drive people into such a frothing frenzy?
I'm guessing that those people might not be very good at either thing.
But what do I know?
I'm just a Mommy.Blogger.
I feel pretty good about that.
So I've never thought of myself as a "Mommy Blogger". I never really thought anyone else did, until I somehow found myself saddled with that label at the Thunderdome. I have no idea why. I don't write about my kids all that often...do I? I don't post a lot of pictures of them...do I?
So I wondered how I got the 'dreaded' Mommy Blog tag.
Luckily, I wasn't one to get my knickers in a twist, my panties in a bunch, whatever, over something like that.
I don't find "Mommy Blog" an offensive term.
I don't know why some people, even those who are actually Mommies, do find it offensive.
WHY is it offensive?
My pal MommaK posted that very question when I was embroiled in the Thunderdome contest.
Seriously, you can actually hear the sneer when someone mentions "Mommy Blog".
How did the connotations become so negative?
Do those people truly hate their own mothers so much?
Do they have no respect for the woman who gave them life?
When did it become fashionable to deny your motherhood? Do you dislike being a mother so much that you must protest Mommy Blogdom in your loudest voice and vilest language?
Niiiice example you're setting for that kid.
I look forward to seeing you all on Jerry Springer someday.
Mommy. Blogger.
Are you a Mommy?
Do you blog?
Why do the two words combined in a linguistically correct term drive people into such a frothing frenzy?
I'm guessing that those people might not be very good at either thing.
But what do I know?
I'm just a Mommy.Blogger.
I feel pretty good about that.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Blah Blah Blahde Blah
@@@@@@@@@@YOU ARE GETTING SLEEEEEEEPY@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Very sleeeeeeeeepy....
Sleeeeeeeepy...
Now you are completely under my control.
Go CLICKIT on my TENANT.
Once you leave a comment, you will awake refreshed with no memory of how you got there.
Something is weird with my home computer...I can't get into my gmail. The page won't load. So for those of you who have sent me something via GMAIL since Friday, I didn't get it. I'll have to check it Monday whilst at work. Feel free to send it to my yahoo email if it's something important~~and I'm sure it is!
Is it strange that I'm totally excited about the STEAK N SHAKE we just got in my town?
Am I the only one who does not keep the shower curtain shut?
I want to be able to see who's hiding behind it when I come home from work.
If I had a professional chef deliver healthy, low-fat low-carb low-calorie meals to my house, and a personal trainer come to my home and bully me every day...
I would so be thin.
When do I stop thinking about cigarettes?
Now, does anyone know where I can pick up a nice, inexpensive...
boyfriend, before Valentine's Day?
Used is okay.
That is all.
Very sleeeeeeeeepy....
Sleeeeeeeepy...
Now you are completely under my control.
Go CLICKIT on my TENANT.
Once you leave a comment, you will awake refreshed with no memory of how you got there.
Something is weird with my home computer...I can't get into my gmail. The page won't load. So for those of you who have sent me something via GMAIL since Friday, I didn't get it. I'll have to check it Monday whilst at work. Feel free to send it to my yahoo email if it's something important~~and I'm sure it is!
Is it strange that I'm totally excited about the STEAK N SHAKE we just got in my town?
Am I the only one who does not keep the shower curtain shut?
I want to be able to see who's hiding behind it when I come home from work.
If I had a professional chef deliver healthy, low-fat low-carb low-calorie meals to my house, and a personal trainer come to my home and bully me every day...
I would so be thin.
When do I stop thinking about cigarettes?
Now, does anyone know where I can pick up a nice, inexpensive...
boyfriend, before Valentine's Day?
Used is okay.
That is all.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Mundanities
**Please do me a huge favor and go visit my newest tenant, soapbox.SUPERSTAR. You'll be ever so glad you did. She is a long-time favorite of mine, and I'm happy that she's renting from me this week. Smart, funny, and a hottie too! Go see her and tell her the landlady sent you. You'll be back for more. Trust me on this.
I wonder if I can get addicted to The Patch? I have this vision of me running to Walgreen's in the middle of the night to get my Patch fix. I'd come home and plaster them all over myself like clear little band-aids...
...which would suck because they're way more expensive than cigarettes.
Tip Of The Day
If you've already got two or three blogs that no-one reads (because they're completely boring and so filled with mistakes that it needs translating), don't start a couple more. Guess what? Law of averages says that no-one will read those either.
I'm just sayin'.
Thoroughly shameless plug for the BossLady
We just got an ass-load of brand new (with tags!) CASHMERE SWEATERS and DESIGNER STUFF.
(I can tell you that those new sweaters from Oscar de la Renta are the softest things I've ever felt)
Go shop!
I was watching TV last night and I saw an auto insurance commercial that said that there was a car wreck every five seconds.
So I've decided to only drive four seconds at a time.
Takes a lot longer to get to work, but I feel so much safer.
I still hate ONG. We really should band together and do something about the gas companies who are screwing us without even giving us a kiss first.
That is all.
I wonder if I can get addicted to The Patch? I have this vision of me running to Walgreen's in the middle of the night to get my Patch fix. I'd come home and plaster them all over myself like clear little band-aids...
...which would suck because they're way more expensive than cigarettes.
Tip Of The Day
If you've already got two or three blogs that no-one reads (because they're completely boring and so filled with mistakes that it needs translating), don't start a couple more. Guess what? Law of averages says that no-one will read those either.
I'm just sayin'.
Thoroughly shameless plug for the BossLady
We just got an ass-load of brand new (with tags!) CASHMERE SWEATERS and DESIGNER STUFF.
(I can tell you that those new sweaters from Oscar de la Renta are the softest things I've ever felt)
Go shop!
I was watching TV last night and I saw an auto insurance commercial that said that there was a car wreck every five seconds.
So I've decided to only drive four seconds at a time.
Takes a lot longer to get to work, but I feel so much safer.
I still hate ONG. We really should band together and do something about the gas companies who are screwing us without even giving us a kiss first.
That is all.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Profanities Ahead. Fuckin' A.
Dear Oklahoma Natural Gas company (aka Dirty Fucking Scum-sucking GREEDY BASTARD PIG DOGS):
I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I hope you all rot in the deepest pits of hell, joined by those vile, nasty, disgusting hate-filled creatures that never, ever stop bitching and who viciously slandered my name on the internet over a case of mistaken identity. (remind me to tell you that story some time, although I will be far kinder and more generous in NOT mentioning their names or blogs~though why I would be that nice is frankly beyond me)
I realize that we must pay for our natural gas. I further realize that having a gas powered central heating system costs a lot of money.
However, I turn my heater down to 55º every morning at 8:30 when I leave for work, and I do not turn it back up (to only 68º) until I return home at approximately 8:00 PM. As I rarely cook, my (gas) stove and oven have not been used.
So please explain to me how you can live with yourselves when you sent me a gas bill for THREE HUNDRED AND SEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS!!!
I'd sure as hell like to know where all that gas went. THREE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS.
For ONE MONTH.
I can't even comprehend that.
You suck, and if I were a serial killer, rest assured that your office would be first on my list.
I hate you all. A pox on you and your houses.
Sincerely,
A dissatisfied customer.
I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I hope you all rot in the deepest pits of hell, joined by those vile, nasty, disgusting hate-filled creatures that never, ever stop bitching and who viciously slandered my name on the internet over a case of mistaken identity. (remind me to tell you that story some time, although I will be far kinder and more generous in NOT mentioning their names or blogs~though why I would be that nice is frankly beyond me)
I realize that we must pay for our natural gas. I further realize that having a gas powered central heating system costs a lot of money.
However, I turn my heater down to 55º every morning at 8:30 when I leave for work, and I do not turn it back up (to only 68º) until I return home at approximately 8:00 PM. As I rarely cook, my (gas) stove and oven have not been used.
So please explain to me how you can live with yourselves when you sent me a gas bill for THREE HUNDRED AND SEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS!!!
I'd sure as hell like to know where all that gas went. THREE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS.
For ONE MONTH.
I can't even comprehend that.
You suck, and if I were a serial killer, rest assured that your office would be first on my list.
I hate you all. A pox on you and your houses.
Sincerely,
A dissatisfied customer.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
It's 2006!
**Please go and wish my tenant a Happy New Year as well! Thanks!
HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!
I had sincerely planned to come and wish you all HNY individually, but alas! my plans changed and I have been away all weekend. In fact, I have yet to get home to my very own computer that knows me so well. (No, I'm not in rehab, but thanks for asking)
I'm sorry that I've been unable to visit this weekend, but I do want to share with you a couple of things from a treasured book from a treasured friend:
"My friends have made the story of my life."~~Helen Keller
"My only sketch, profile, of Heaven is a large blue sky...
larger than the biggest I have seen in June--
and in it are my friends--every one of them."~~Emily Dickinson
"Tell me whom you frequent, and I will tell you who you are."~~French Proverb
My 2005 was made better by you. I don't expect 2006 to be any different.
Now, as I find myself in a nearly identical predicament, I offer you a post from New Year's Eve, 2004.
The Panic Room
...aka my bedroom.
I wanted to add this entry earlier, but the feeling has only just now returned to my fingers.
THE TIME: 10:13am
THE DATE: Friday, Dec 31
THE MISSION: Get dressed & go to the grocery store (They do tend to rather strictly enforce that 'no clothes, no service' rule)
Seemed a simple enough task. I was flippant enough to LAUGH at its simplicity. C'mon, give me a real mission, why doncha?
Socks-check. Underwear-check. Grubby t-shirt-check. Jeans-ch...OH CHIT.
That's where the trouble began. I slid my jeans up, no worries. I reached for the button...sucked in my tum-tum, struggled a moment, but got the button buttoned.
THEN CAME THE ZIPPER. O dear Lord. I couldn't zip my pants. There was this strange bulge of (could it be fat?!) something in the way. I looked around for help..but unfortunately I was the only one in the room. Figures.
What's a girl to do?
Luckily I can think on my feet, so I fell back on the time-honored pants-zipping method used by teenage girls everywhere (if you remember back that far, when we actually wanted our jeans to fit like a second skin)...and lay myself down on the bed.
Five minutes and a bruised finger later, I triumphed over the evil zipper.
"AHA! VICTORY IS MINE!" I wanted to shout, but I couldn't draw breath enough to even wheeze it out.
As I lay there panting, I tried to figure out what had happened. Obviously, my jeans had shrunk in the wash, or something.
SURELY it couldn't have anything to do with the 47lbs. of fudge I've consumed over the past week or so, nor with the 23 Reese's Peanut butter trees, endless bags of M&Ms, two boxes of cordial cherries, cookies of every kind, or the entire box of Ferrero Rocher truffles.
SURELY not. Everyone knows that holiday calories don't even count~those are burned up in ADVANCE, what with the shopping and the wrapping and the decorating. It's a proven fact. I think I read that somewhere.
Then I had to stop wondering about it, because little black dots appeared before my eyes from the lack of oxygen. My fingers were going numb, and I couldn't feel my toes.
I HAD to get up from the bed. I flailed my arms & legs about, looking somewhat (at least in my imagination) like a turtle who'd gotten turned on it's shell.
I couldn't get up.
I started to hyperventilate, and of course there were no convenient paper bags lying around. OH if I could only make it to the kitchen!
I decided to roll back & forth to build up some momentum. Eventually, just when I though I would faint, something (I think it was the ghost who lives in my house, but that's another story for another day) gave me enough of a nudge that I rolled off the bed and onto the floor. Luckily I landed on my hands & knees so that I couldcrawl push myself up to my feet.
Unfortunately, I still couldn't breathe. Nor really walk. And to make matters worse, NOW I couldn't even reach the button of my jeans, as a huge roll of that same oogy substance that inhibited my zipper was now hanging over the waistband of my jeans and covering the button.
*sigh* Back to the bed.
Luckily the jeans decided to cooperate during the UNbuttoning and UNzipping phase of this operation...and I reached into the closet for a pair of sweatpants.
AH, SWEET BREATH O' LIFE.
I had to come up with a plan, and fast. I mean really, a girl can't wear sweatpants every day, can she? It's just a sad thing this happened today of all days...as by law I can't start a new diet until tomorrow. The FIRST of January. That's when all New Year's Resolutions are allowed to take place, and not a minute before!
So I am depending upon you to help me keep on the straight and narrow, slap my hand when it should reach for a potato chip or a bit of chocolate. It is now YOUR responsibility, and you must step up to the plate. Don't let me down, now.
Starting tomorrow.
First thing after brunch. Or dinner. Yeah, that's probably better. In fact, we should probably just wait until the SECOND of January, just to avoid any conflict with the 'GOOD LUCK' stuff you're supposed to eat on the first day of the year. Some of my 'GOOD LUCK' foods include cake and ice cream. So yeah, the SECOND. That'll work.
The good news is, I burned my pizza whilst I was stuck on the bed. So now I'll have to eat something else. Maybe I'll find a nice, healthy bag o' popcorn in the cabinet. Now make yourself useful and hand me the butter.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!
I had sincerely planned to come and wish you all HNY individually, but alas! my plans changed and I have been away all weekend. In fact, I have yet to get home to my very own computer that knows me so well. (No, I'm not in rehab, but thanks for asking)
I'm sorry that I've been unable to visit this weekend, but I do want to share with you a couple of things from a treasured book from a treasured friend:
"My friends have made the story of my life."~~Helen Keller
"My only sketch, profile, of Heaven is a large blue sky...
larger than the biggest I have seen in June--
and in it are my friends--every one of them."~~Emily Dickinson
"Tell me whom you frequent, and I will tell you who you are."~~French Proverb
My 2005 was made better by you. I don't expect 2006 to be any different.
Now, as I find myself in a nearly identical predicament, I offer you a post from New Year's Eve, 2004.
...aka my bedroom.
I wanted to add this entry earlier, but the feeling has only just now returned to my fingers.
THE TIME: 10:13am
THE DATE: Friday, Dec 31
THE MISSION: Get dressed & go to the grocery store (They do tend to rather strictly enforce that 'no clothes, no service' rule)
Seemed a simple enough task. I was flippant enough to LAUGH at its simplicity. C'mon, give me a real mission, why doncha?
Socks-check. Underwear-check. Grubby t-shirt-check. Jeans-ch...OH CHIT.
That's where the trouble began. I slid my jeans up, no worries. I reached for the button...sucked in my tum-tum, struggled a moment, but got the button buttoned.
THEN CAME THE ZIPPER. O dear Lord. I couldn't zip my pants. There was this strange bulge of (could it be fat?!) something in the way. I looked around for help..but unfortunately I was the only one in the room. Figures.
What's a girl to do?
Luckily I can think on my feet, so I fell back on the time-honored pants-zipping method used by teenage girls everywhere (if you remember back that far, when we actually wanted our jeans to fit like a second skin)...and lay myself down on the bed.
Five minutes and a bruised finger later, I triumphed over the evil zipper.
"AHA! VICTORY IS MINE!" I wanted to shout, but I couldn't draw breath enough to even wheeze it out.
As I lay there panting, I tried to figure out what had happened. Obviously, my jeans had shrunk in the wash, or something.
SURELY it couldn't have anything to do with the 47lbs. of fudge I've consumed over the past week or so, nor with the 23 Reese's Peanut butter trees, endless bags of M&Ms, two boxes of cordial cherries, cookies of every kind, or the entire box of Ferrero Rocher truffles.
SURELY not. Everyone knows that holiday calories don't even count~those are burned up in ADVANCE, what with the shopping and the wrapping and the decorating. It's a proven fact. I think I read that somewhere.
Then I had to stop wondering about it, because little black dots appeared before my eyes from the lack of oxygen. My fingers were going numb, and I couldn't feel my toes.
I HAD to get up from the bed. I flailed my arms & legs about, looking somewhat (at least in my imagination) like a turtle who'd gotten turned on it's shell.
I couldn't get up.
I started to hyperventilate, and of course there were no convenient paper bags lying around. OH if I could only make it to the kitchen!
I decided to roll back & forth to build up some momentum. Eventually, just when I though I would faint, something (I think it was the ghost who lives in my house, but that's another story for another day) gave me enough of a nudge that I rolled off the bed and onto the floor. Luckily I landed on my hands & knees so that I could
Unfortunately, I still couldn't breathe. Nor really walk. And to make matters worse, NOW I couldn't even reach the button of my jeans, as a huge roll of that same oogy substance that inhibited my zipper was now hanging over the waistband of my jeans and covering the button.
*sigh* Back to the bed.
Luckily the jeans decided to cooperate during the UNbuttoning and UNzipping phase of this operation...and I reached into the closet for a pair of sweatpants.
AH, SWEET BREATH O' LIFE.
I had to come up with a plan, and fast. I mean really, a girl can't wear sweatpants every day, can she? It's just a sad thing this happened today of all days...as by law I can't start a new diet until tomorrow. The FIRST of January. That's when all New Year's Resolutions are allowed to take place, and not a minute before!
So I am depending upon you to help me keep on the straight and narrow, slap my hand when it should reach for a potato chip or a bit of chocolate. It is now YOUR responsibility, and you must step up to the plate. Don't let me down, now.
Starting tomorrow.
First thing after brunch. Or dinner. Yeah, that's probably better. In fact, we should probably just wait until the SECOND of January, just to avoid any conflict with the 'GOOD LUCK' stuff you're supposed to eat on the first day of the year. Some of my 'GOOD LUCK' foods include cake and ice cream. So yeah, the SECOND. That'll work.
The good news is, I burned my pizza whilst I was stuck on the bed. So now I'll have to eat something else. Maybe I'll find a nice, healthy bag o' popcorn in the cabinet. Now make yourself useful and hand me the butter.
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