Brain Soup du Jour: Confessional Stew

Sometimes it's just waaaaaaaay too much trouble to speak--naturally, that's when everyone I know wants to talk to me--and I can't even bring myself to part my lips and instead answer everyone in grunts and grumbles.

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Sometimes I pretend to be interested in something when in truth I couldn't care less.

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Sometimes I worry that pretending like that makes me a really bad person.

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Sometimes I hate the fact that my brain forces me to be honest with myself, when it would be so much easier (and more fun!) to be delusional suffer a little self-delusion from time to time.

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Sometimes I burst into tears for no apparent reason.

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Sometimes I think I've answered an email, then two months (or so) passes before I realize that I really didn't answer it after all, except in my head.

**Speaking of which, when is it really too late to answer an email?? Because I might still be in the grace period. But I doubt it.

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Sometimes I really, really, really want to tell everyone what they're doing wrong in their lives, because that gives me a...rationalization...as to why I can leave my own untended.

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Sometimes I really, really, really want to tell everyone what they're doing wrong in their lives, just because I know everything anyways and people should just do us all a favor and take my advice.

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Sometimes I'm facetious. (NO! Really?)

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Sometimes I eat the whole pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting.

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I believe...

...in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

...that just because you can say whatever you want, doesn't necessarily mean that you should.

...that sometimes people get so caught up in fighting for their rights and civil liberties that they forget how to use them.

...creating 'designer babies' in a lab is morally wrong and should be punishable by life imprisonment.

...that my friends are the best ones of all. (yeah, that means you)

MIXM-M-M-MANIA!!

Okay, so Jim, the MIXMASTER of all MIXES, the MAESTRO of MUSIC, tells me that I have to fess up to my MIXMANIA THEME.

This month was a....Make Your Own theme. Now, I was thinking about this, and if I confess my theme then my recipient will know exactly from whom they received their mix because it is glaringly obvious.

I will say that I actually have two themes.
The first one came to me right away, and I must say that I thought it was quite clever.
However.
Finding the songs to match the theme was a-whole-nother story.
So.

I looked into my playlist and found a theme staring right at me, cake and pie (piece of, easy as). But I couldn't forget my original theme.

So, I cannot tell you, exactly, what my themes are.
I will give you this clue--both themes can be found under the umbrella title:
Reading Rainbow

Puzzle that one out, if you can. :)

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I have talked myself into believing that my gray hairs are not actually gray hairs, they're platinum blond.
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

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That is all.
Have a day.

Sometimes you just have to laugh...

If I don't get into a diet and exercise routine very soon, I'm going to be legally required to have "Hindenberg" embroidered across the ass of all my pants.
Seriously, the beeping when I back up is annoying enough already.

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The bad thing about
A. Being less than...vigilant...about cleaning the microwave
and
2. Often popping things into the microwave without a plate

is that you can sometimes get some unusual textures and flavors.

Or...so I've heard.

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Calling all my beloved computer geeks!
So, my computer crapped out last night. In a normal world, this would probably fall on the large end of the minor annoyance scale.
However, since I do 75% of my job on my home computer, it's just short of disastrous.

Here's what: Right in the middle of working, my monitor went blank. I looked at the processor (a Dell), which has two little green lights on the front, one of which blinks whilst working.
Only this time, one of the lights was out and the other was slowly blinking yellow.

I have no idea if it's a virus or something...mechanical.
I had to actually cut the power to the damn thing to get it to turn off...waited a bit, then tried again. Started up just fine, no problems...then after about 15 minutes it happened again. And then again. And then again this morning.
I tried to run a virus scan and the thing went blank & gave me the yellow light right in the middle. Same thing when I tried to run a computer checkup.

I'm out of ideas.

To my local friends:
Are any of you sufficiently geeky to say things like, "Hey, let me jes' take a look-see at that fer ya"? And then perform exploratory surgery to see what's the problem?

I admit to indulging in a brief moment of self-pity in which I thought why me?, but quickly recovered with a why NOT me? What makes me so extra-special that I should be excused from troubles?
So I sat down to figure out what I could do.

Well, obviously I'm going to have to change my work schedule and work at the Studio instead of home--at least until I can afford to have the computer fixed (or until a beloved computer geek decides to help me out of pure love and the goodness of his/her heart).

My radio show will have to be on temporary hiatus.
This blog will have to be on temporary hiatus, except if I can sneak some time whilst at work.

Nothing earth-shattering. I can handle this. Right?

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The lotto is over 60 million for Wednesday's drawing.
I wasted invested five bucks for a chance to win.
Wish me luck.

If I win, you're all coming to Vegas with me for a weekend of debauchery.
I've never been there--first one to debauch me wins a bonus prize. *winky smile*

I'd like to thank...

the podcasting gods who made this award possible
GOLFWIDOW and ANDY.




Now I truly am one of the cool kids.

Brain Soup du Jour

**I'm taping tonight! So CALL ME! 206-66-MOJO-1

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Okay, not so much an ode as a...limerick.
Hey, I know my limitations.

Webmiztris, with talent and taste
Face-lifted my blog with due haste
Made it fresher and clean
Using purple and green
Then she said, "NOW PAY UP OR GET MACED!"

(*teehee*, I made that last part up. But the rest is true)

Now, please do me a favor and toddle on over to Dawn's place and tell her how fabulous she is for doing such a wonderful job here.

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I was watching a trailer for Blood & Chocolate, and even though it's a lycan movie and not a vampire movie, it made me think that if I were a vampire, I would force my victims to eat like about 5 pounds of chocolate before I sucked their blood.
I think they would taste more delicious that way.

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Sometimes I take a step back from my life and think, "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing."

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in the same vein...
Sometimes I look at my kids and think, "I have no idea how to be a mother."
Or sometimes
"How bad have I screwed them up already?"
And once in a while
"My daughter is going to need years of intensive therapy to undo the damage."

Then I just keep winging it.

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I really, really hate it when people try to make me feel guilty for choices I've made.
Even if they were really bad choices.

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That is all.
Have a day.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty...

Yeah, how do you like me now??

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I do love my old template--but did you know? Every time I got a critique on this site, the main complaint was the color. I personally thought it looked great, but whatever.

Anyway, I decided that for spring and summer I needed something a little lighter, a little brighter...and thanks to the incredibly talented DAWN, that's exactly what I've got.

I'm composing an ode to her right now.

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So, what do you think?

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OH and PS: I hope you all had a great VD, and I mean that in the nastiest nicest way possible.

I was in bed with the flu.
But there was chocolate. So it wasn't so bad.

Happy Birthday Babies ooooh I love you so!

***This is a re-post from last year, with the proper updates. And it swells my heart just as much this year, just as much as it does every year.

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Quote of the Day:
"Parents who do not have Internet should have their children taken away." ~~Peggy Hill

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Happy Birthday, my darlings! You are 12 years old today!

Did you know that my due date was June 4?
But my impatient children arrived February 13, 1995.

24 hours of labor, which the doctors tried to stop.
My son came first, in the usual way. (in this picture he was actually one month and one day old)


As they were wheeling me to recovery, my daughter's heart rate dropped to zero, and she was removed by emergency C-section fifty-six minutes after her brother was delivered. (and she is one month and one day old here)


I was stapled from head to toe, practically. Or at least that's how I felt.
And I fell in love with morphine.

In recovery I heard my mom & stepmom talking about the children~I told everyone to shut up shut up shut up because I didn't want to hear that they had died.

But they hadn't. Thank you, God.
They struggled for every single breath. They fought to live.

And so they did.
Thank you, God.

For this little miracle....(my girl at about 2 months)



and this little miracle...(my boy at about 3 or 4 months)


The doctors gave them less than a 50% chance of survival.
We fooled 'em good, din't we?
About a pound each, about a foot long...
My girl here is about a year old, this is one of my favorite pictures of her~she looks so pensive.


And here is my sister with two skinny little year-and-a-half(ish) babies:


One morning I discovered that my daughter knew how to climb into her brother's crib..


And she always....


...always has loved him best.

(yes, her mouth is blue...she was putting eye shadow on. On her lips. Yep. You should have seen what she did to me earlier that day with lipstick...whilst I was catnapping on the couch.)

When she was about two, this is what "Go get ready for bed" meant:



Already trying to fill mommy's shoes, trailing that damned oxygen hose behind her (that I tripped on a thousand and one times):


Here's my little guy at about 6 or 7 months old, not too long after he finally got to come home from the hospital...


He had the softest, wispiest hair so I let it grow and grow...he's about two-ish here:


And second grade...


And last year (4th grade)....




And TODAY.





How could I not believe in a higher power? In miracles?

I love you, my babies. I'm thankful for every breath that you take, every blink of your eyes, every morning that you wake. I love you.
If all the world was a beach, I would love you more than all the grains of sand added together. Times ten thousand.

Happy, happy birthday.

Do I need to draw you a picture?

You know the drill.
And if you don't, you should. You're a multi-tasker, right? So you can listen and work at the SAME TIME. How exciting!

**BONUS: Special dedication to all my pretend boyfriends.

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I was wondering how many times a day you want to smack someone and say, "Seriously? It's time to get over yourself."

I'd tell you how many times it is for me, but I really don't think I can count that high.

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To Brag...

The Junior High music teachers visited my little pixie's school last week...let the 5th graders play with some of the instruments and then they took some sort of music aptitude test wherein they watched a video and then answered questions.

First, let me say that I'm so not musically inclined.
I mean, I am when it comes to feeling music, listening to it and enjoying it...but I never played an instrument.
I can't even read music. Although I DID teach myself to play the opening bit of "Greensleeves" by ear.
Anyway.

My daughter had told me that the music teacher was impressed with the way she played the--of all things--slide trombone. And the clarinet. And the viola.
THEN last night the jr. high music teacher called me at home to tell me that Becca had scored very high on the aptitude test and hoped that I'd let her take band.

Guess I'm going to have to go get a clarinet. Or slide trombone. She decided to pass on the viola...but sort of likes the cello.
I hope she passes on the cello too, since it's about 2 feet taller than she is.

When she was about 3 years old, she'd take her little keyboard and sit in front of the television and try to play along with the theme songs and commercial jingles...rhythmically, she was actually pretty good.

And then the drum set.
Oy.

I'm not quite sure how I'll be able to handle the practice sessions...

but damn if I'm not proud of the little brat.

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The Time Draweth Nigh

Yes, yes, it's that time once again where I nag you mercilessly...

Monty Does Mojo--PLAY BY NUMBERS
Sunday Night. 8PM Central Time

Tune in RIGHT HERE.

Your horoscope!
American Idol update!
ME! ME! ME!
Most excellent music of all kinds!
Did I mention ME! ME! ME! ?

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NOW AVAILABLE! NOW AVAILABLE! NOW AVAILABLE!

MOJO MERCHANDISE!
Monty's Mojo Merchandise Coming Soon....

How do you spell relief?

"What are you thankful for, Pooh Bear?"
"Oh, nothing short of EVERYTHING!"

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Okay, so I went to Pep Boys last week to pay for the diagnostic on my car...and as you know, it still wasn't running because it was some sort of electrical problem and they don't do electrical.

I looked at the bill (and nearly swallowed my tongue, because it seemed like a lot of money for telling me they couldn't/wouldn't fix it)...and I noticed a "Miscellaneous Tools" charge for about $5.

What? Is that like a tip or something for the mechanic?
Because the mechanic wasn't there when I went to pay, and the manager couldn't explain to me what that charge was for.

Hey, in my world, five bucks is five bucks.

So they took that charge off my bill. (Go me!)
And THEN, perhaps because I was such a...girl about it (it's a role that I can play when I choose, although it doesn't suit me to be that way all the time)-or maybe he was just embarrassed to have been caught trying to rip me off-the guy gave me an additional 10% off the total. (again, Go Me!)

Then my dad & brother got my car to another place, and they fixed it right up.
So yay, transportation again.

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My show on Sunday is going to be really good, so you should make sure to listen.
Or at least download it later. I'm flexible.
(very flexible)(but I'm not bragging)(much)

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Shitty Blog Survivor.
Many will enter. One will survive.

Remember how much fun I had with the tasks last year? I had to write & sing a little ditty about Shitty Blog Survivor. I did the scavenger hunt. I shamelessly bribed the judges with nudie pics (well, I PROMISED them nudie pics, but I didn't deliver. Such is the nature of being a Shitty Blogger).
And most importantly....I Won. I was the Sole Survivor.

Care to challenge me? Yellow-belly.

Now for the GOOD ones.

Remember those Bloggy awards a few weeks ago? Yeah, once again all the "Biggies" (dooce-ick, Waiter Rant, PostSecret, et al) swept the finals of those...only ONE of the blogs I nominated (Holtie's House) made the finals.

But now.
The GOOD awards, that cater to us small-timers, the little 'uns...
that's right, time for

The BoB Awards!!

Go forth and nominate.
Peace be unto you.
Even if you don't nominate me.

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Want to have a spot on my radio show?
CALL ME!
206-66-MOJO-1

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That is all.
Have a day.

blah blah blah

It is belief in love and hope for Mr. Right that keeps us shaving our legs.

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I feel boring. I have nothing to say. I don't even have any interesting thoughts...well, except the one about the stranger in the elevator and...
you don't need to know about that.

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I think the thing with the nosy checker boils down to the fact that I really, really don't like answering questions.

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Did I mention?
I.AM. SHITTY BLOG OF THE YEAR!
Don't hate me because I'm shitty.
I'd like to thank all the little shitheads I had to step on and destroy to get where I am today.

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UPDATE!! UPDATE!! UPDATE!! UPDATE!!
****Want to be part of the show? Got somethin' to say?
CALL IT IN! LEAVE A MESSAGE!
206-66-MOJO-1

In case you missed it (and I know you did), you can listen any old time right here:

Click here to get your own player.


There's football music.
And horoscopes.
And American Idol updates (with re-enactments!)
Plus good music. And me, naturally.

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Shitty Blog Survivor.
You know you want my title. If you think you can handle it.
Bring it.

Composure

"Aren't you ready then, Piglet?"
"Y-y-yes Pooh, I'm not!"

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Dear Diary,

This week has been a shit sandwich and I hadda eat every bite.
First, I managed to piss off my whole fam damily. See, my sister's baby shower was supposed to be a couple weeks ago, and that was when we had the big ugly ice storm that closed the schools & such for a whole week, so naturally it was rescheduled.
Actually, the absolute last thing I heard about it was:
MOM: The shower tomorrow has been rescheduled, obviously, because of the weather.

That was it. Until this past SATURDAY NIGHT at about 7PM when I heard this:

MOM: If you want to ride with me and your grandma, we're leaving about two-ish.
Me: Huh?
MOM: You know how she likes to be EARLY for everything.
Me: Huh?
MOM: The shower tomorrow.
Me: Huh? What are you talking about?
MOM: Your sister's shower? Remember it had to be rescheduled for the 28th?
Me: You never told me when it was rescheduled for.
SISTER: Well, I left it to mom to tell you.
MOM: I thought I did. Why did you think I was going shopping for baby gifts today?
Me: You never said. Either of you. I thought you were going shopping for baby gifts because you're about to be a grandma again. Lauren was here most of the day, I had no idea that the shower was tomorrow.
Thing is, I have a lot of work to do.

So things deteriorated from there...and firstly, I don't really like babies. I don't really like showers of the baby or wedding sort. But truthfully, I really really really had a lot of work to do.

MOM: It's only a couple of hours. Be spontaneous. (she's getting pissed off at this point)

Well, here's the thing: it takes a couple of hours just to get all three of us ready to go. Then there's the fact that the place they were having the shower is a half hour away from me.
So no, it's not just a couple of hours. And I, for one, can't afford to have my paycheck shorted by $60 or so.
But according to the family, I didn't go because I was pouting or something.
Well...maybe I was. But only a little. I can't control how I feel...I can control how I express the feelings, but not the feelings themselves.
And yeah, I was feeling left out. And put-upon, because apparently it was MY responsibility to actively find out to whence the shower was moved.
maybe it was.

Should I have forgotten about working and just gone to the shower? Yeah, maybe.
But I didn't.
And now I'm the big asshole because I didn't go.

And then? Monday, my car died Again. Pep Boys charged me about a hundred bucks just to tell me that it was an electrical problem and they don't do electrical. So I'm still carless, for the moment.

And then? Instead of going to my regular grocery store, I went to a store over by my work. And the thing that I always say I WILL NOT let get to me, got to me.
I have yet to perfect the avoidance.
I've told you about it before.

Checker (as she starts scanning the diapers and the myriad jars of baby fruit):
You got a baby?
No, I just have eccentric eating habits and a diaper fetish, never mind that one diaper wouldn't cover half my left ass cheek.
ME: Mmmmm.
Checker: Got any pictures?
ME: No.
Checker: Really? I can't believe that. You must be the only mother doesn't have pictures of her kids. You need to get some pictures.
Me: Mmmm.
Checker: How old your baby is?
ME (trying to deflect): I have twins.
Checker: Really? Boys? Girls?
ME (hoping like hell she'll hurry up): One of each.
Checker (returning to the earlier question): So how old?
ME: Young.
Checker: Young, huh? They young? How young?
Shut up shut up SHUTUP WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I wonder, at this point, if I should've just lied & said 6 months old or something.
I always wonder, when it gets to that point. But then I wonder what MORE questions will come up.
And then I get pissed because I canNOT believe that people, who in all likelyhood are just trying to be friendly, WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE, cannot read my body language.
I have tried lying. I have tried evading. I have tried just telling it like it is up front. I've tried saying that I prefer not to discuss it.
I don't know why it STILL gets to me, I don't know how to stop it.
Can someone please tell me what to say? Because I don't know what to say.

Next time I go anywhere other than my familiar little Buy For Less two blocks away, I'm pretending to be mute. That's the only thing I can come up with.

And then? I took a shower.
Wondered when was the last time I shaved under my arms. Couldn't remember.
Decided I was too afraid to look.

It's Thursday now, and I'm totally traumatized.

So I think I'll pass on seconds of the shit sandwich. I'm all full up.
Full up to here.

Love,
Me

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Sometimes when I talk to myself out loud, I use accents.

Hey, don't act like you've never done it.