Thursday, February 01, 2007

Composure

"Aren't you ready then, Piglet?"
"Y-y-yes Pooh, I'm not!"



Dear Diary,

This week has been a shit sandwich and I hadda eat every bite.
First, I managed to piss off my whole fam damily. See, my sister's baby shower was supposed to be a couple weeks ago, and that was when we had the big ugly ice storm that closed the schools & such for a whole week, so naturally it was rescheduled.
Actually, the absolute last thing I heard about it was:
MOM: The shower tomorrow has been rescheduled, obviously, because of the weather.

That was it. Until this past SATURDAY NIGHT at about 7PM when I heard this:

MOM: If you want to ride with me and your grandma, we're leaving about two-ish.
Me: Huh?
MOM: You know how she likes to be EARLY for everything.
Me: Huh?
MOM: The shower tomorrow.
Me: Huh? What are you talking about?
MOM: Your sister's shower? Remember it had to be rescheduled for the 28th?
Me: You never told me when it was rescheduled for.
SISTER: Well, I left it to mom to tell you.
MOM: I thought I did. Why did you think I was going shopping for baby gifts today?
Me: You never said. Either of you. I thought you were going shopping for baby gifts because you're about to be a grandma again. Lauren was here most of the day, I had no idea that the shower was tomorrow.
Thing is, I have a lot of work to do.

So things deteriorated from there...and firstly, I don't really like babies. I don't really like showers of the baby or wedding sort. But truthfully, I really really really had a lot of work to do.

MOM: It's only a couple of hours. Be spontaneous. (she's getting pissed off at this point)

Well, here's the thing: it takes a couple of hours just to get all three of us ready to go. Then there's the fact that the place they were having the shower is a half hour away from me.
So no, it's not just a couple of hours. And I, for one, can't afford to have my paycheck shorted by $60 or so.
But according to the family, I didn't go because I was pouting or something.
Well...maybe I was. But only a little. I can't control how I feel...I can control how I express the feelings, but not the feelings themselves.
And yeah, I was feeling left out. And put-upon, because apparently it was MY responsibility to actively find out to whence the shower was moved.
maybe it was.

Should I have forgotten about working and just gone to the shower? Yeah, maybe.
But I didn't.
And now I'm the big asshole because I didn't go.

And then? Monday, my car died Again. Pep Boys charged me about a hundred bucks just to tell me that it was an electrical problem and they don't do electrical. So I'm still carless, for the moment.

And then? Instead of going to my regular grocery store, I went to a store over by my work. And the thing that I always say I WILL NOT let get to me, got to me.
I have yet to perfect the avoidance.
I've told you about it before.

Checker (as she starts scanning the diapers and the myriad jars of baby fruit):
You got a baby?
No, I just have eccentric eating habits and a diaper fetish, never mind that one diaper wouldn't cover half my left ass cheek.
ME: Mmmmm.
Checker: Got any pictures?
ME: No.
Checker: Really? I can't believe that. You must be the only mother doesn't have pictures of her kids. You need to get some pictures.
Me: Mmmm.
Checker: How old your baby is?
ME (trying to deflect): I have twins.
Checker: Really? Boys? Girls?
ME (hoping like hell she'll hurry up): One of each.
Checker (returning to the earlier question): So how old?
ME: Young.
Checker: Young, huh? They young? How young?
Shut up shut up SHUTUP WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I wonder, at this point, if I should've just lied & said 6 months old or something.
I always wonder, when it gets to that point. But then I wonder what MORE questions will come up.
And then I get pissed because I canNOT believe that people, who in all likelyhood are just trying to be friendly, WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE, cannot read my body language.
I have tried lying. I have tried evading. I have tried just telling it like it is up front. I've tried saying that I prefer not to discuss it.
I don't know why it STILL gets to me, I don't know how to stop it.
Can someone please tell me what to say? Because I don't know what to say.

Next time I go anywhere other than my familiar little Buy For Less two blocks away, I'm pretending to be mute. That's the only thing I can come up with.

And then? I took a shower.
Wondered when was the last time I shaved under my arms. Couldn't remember.
Decided I was too afraid to look.

It's Thursday now, and I'm totally traumatized.

So I think I'll pass on seconds of the shit sandwich. I'm all full up.
Full up to here.

Love,
Me


Sometimes when I talk to myself out loud, I use accents.

Hey, don't act like you've never done it.
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