Brain Gumbo. Hungry?

...but first...
TONIGHT. 9pm CST, 10pm EST, 7pm PST
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE WITH MONTY!
Featuring: PRINCE-A-PALOOZA!
Fun and frolic.
Music and me.
And stuff.

Only on Empire Radio!
Tune in HERE or HERE.
Chat room will be open.

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My mind is often like gumbo, just a big mess of all sorts of stuff, some of it (like boiled okra) quite unappetizing.

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Mostly I blog just random, unconnected bites of gumbo: a little shrimp here, a little andouille there, some chunks of this or that.
Served over rice.

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The problem with twitter.com (and I've mentioned this before) is that all my random thoughts are going on there, then I feel silly putting them here, because then a few of you have to sit through them twice.

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Oh well. Some of them are tasty enough for a second helping.
Or maybe I just have delusions of grandeur.

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Sometimes when I say I wish I had some Baked Lays, I might mean that I wish I had some stoned sex.
Or maybe I just want potato chips.

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Whenever I click the "Tools" button, I have the irrational thought that I'll see a list of specific names, starting with my ex-husband.

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I read that some actors don't watch their own movies, because they don't like seeing themselves be someone else and they can't enjoy the movie because they're too busy critiquing themselves.
Writers, do you read your own books for pleasure? Or at all?
Or do you get too caught up in "I should've phrased it this way" or "Why did I even put that part in?!" ?

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Dear All Women In Public Places:

If you have any breasts at all, please wear a bra. Or at least stop wearing tank tops.

*shudder*

Thank you.

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My week in review:
I slid down an icy wheelchair ramp on my ass, to the great amusement of passersby. AGAIN.
I got clotheslined by a tree branch when I walked next door in the dark.
The near-beheading by the branch made me trip and fall over a birdbath. AGAIN.
I blew up a lamp. There were flames, sparks, and charred bits floating in the air. Very scary.
I have PMS and everybody sucks but me.

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Sometimes all that stands between me and highway-sniping is chocolate.

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That is all.
Have a day.

So what?

"It's been buildin' up inside of me for, oh I don't know how long..."

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PMS brings out the darkest of the dark side in me.

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Okay, so sometimes I complain blog about how much I hate having to struggle.
How I hate being POOR.
How...challenging it is to still be feeding and diapering and carrying my boy on my hip after nearly thirteen years (God willing, I'll be doing it for the rest of my life).
How sometimes I just don't think I handle not one more single second of my life.
How my heart hurts and my back aches and my head pounds and oh-for-the-love-of-the-sweet-baby-Jesus how tired I am. Right down to the bone.

So what?

Things aren't all sunshine & lollipops & puppy kisses, I'm not cut out to be chipper, and I have a tendency toward depression and anxiety (thank you ZOLOFT for my functionality!).

So what?

Here's what: Don't you ever, ever send me another email accusing me of "overplaying the sympathy card".

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, partner.

I don't care how well-intentioned you think you are, and what "nice" terms in which you try to couch it.
What's it to you? Why does it matter?

Even though it's no business of yours what my motivations are, I'll tell you anyway.
I don't do it to get sympathy. Nor pity, thankyouverymuch. Keep your pity & shove it up where the sun don't shine.
I'm not trying to be inspiring--I'm not cut out for that. Wouldn't even know where to start.

If there's any point I would want to make, it would simply be that I'm not the bravest, strongest, or brightest...but if I can somehow manage, then you can manage your challenges (the REAL problems, I mean...not taking votes on what color to paint your widdle toesies and if you should go underwire or whether you should serve the caviar or lobster).
It's hard work, but the only way you can fail is if you quit.
Period.

And quite frankly, I just have to cut the beast loose now and again, otherwise it will devour me.

Once again, for those who just can't seem to understand: If you don't like what we serve here, go eat somewhere else.

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That is all.
Have a day.

Mother Talk - BODY DRAMA!

As the mother of an almost-teenage-girl, I was VERY glad to be able to get on this blog-tour for Mother Talk! If you've got a daughter--even a little one, because she's going to grow up eventually whether you want her to or not--you need to check out this book: BODY DRAMA, by Nancy Redd.

At first, I'd heard that some of the mothers found this book a bit too intense--and it IS intense, in many ways. There are NAKED PICTURES! OF BREASTS! ALL SIZES OF BOOBIES! AND VULVAS! ALL SHAPES OF VAJAYJAYS!

Sure, I felt a little weird when I first took a peek--but seriously, how many of you haven't wondered what other women looked like under their clothes?
OH COME ON.
Don't act like you never thought can her boobs POSSIBLY be that perky or is she just wearing a really great bra? or how does her ass MOVE like that and not jiggle?
YOU HAVE. Admit it.

So yeah, lots of pictures.
But here's the great thing: if you're not comfortable handing the book over to your daughter to read alone, it IS completely necessary for YOU to read this because it will serve as a guidebook when your girl starts asking you questions. Or when she starts feeling bad and uncomfortable and so not confident about her body.

AND SHE WILL. You did, didn't you?

Don't you want to be able to help your kid through her hormonally charged, angsty, ugly-duckling teenage years? If the words don't come easy to you, this book will help you through it. READ IT TOGETHER.

Body Drama covers stinky sweat, bacne, zits, piercings that aren't healing, periods, uneven breasts, toenail fungus, skidmarks and less than "perfect" bodies.
It helps girls (AND WOMEN, because I sure took away a greater appreciation for my own body too) learn to love what they've got, because underneath our skin we're all just girls who want to feel good about ourselves.

The language of the book, the style, is geared for young women/teenagers--not a lot of technical two-dollar hard to understand & pronounce words. It offers sidebar information like WHAT could be causing the discharge or HOW to make a face scrub out of...ASPIRIN! Body scrub out of COFFEE GROUNDS!

And so, so much more.
Read Body Drama for yourself.
Then read it with your daughter.
She's not ready for all the information just yet?
Do what I did...go through the sections pertinent to your immediate needs, TOGETHER.

I'm lucky, I guess...as a single mom, we're VERY casual about nudity around here.
I have not been in the bathroom alone since my daughter learned to walk. Maybe that made it a little easier for me to discuss some of the issues with her, about pubic hair and shaving your pits & legs and WHY HER SWEAT SMELLS SO FREAKING BAD when she forgets deodorant (and MAN OH MAN! *GAK*). We're comfortable seeing each other in the nude.
Granted, if this were a two-parent family, things might be different. But in this particular situation, I'm glad that we're able to be easy with each other on body issues.

IT. IS. IMPORTANT.


With all the girls thinking anorexia and/or bulimia is SO COOL or necessary--websites devoted on "how to do it correctly"--let's make our girls comfortable with WHO THEY ARE, no matter what the package looks like.

Srsly. That's just window dressing, anyway.
Everyone knows the good stuff is INSIDE the package.

Are you freakin' psycho??

So I was reading this book (no, I'm not tellin' which one, because I know some of you have this book & I don't want you to go look it up) and one of the characters says, "The psychopath's test. It's supposed to tell you if you have the mind of a psycho. IF you get it right, you do."

The story goes like this:

At her mother's funeral, a woman met this guy and fell instantly in love. But she never got his name, number, or ANYTHING about him. A few days later, the woman killed her sister.

And now, THE TEST! Why did she kill the sister?
If you answer correctly, then you think like a psychopath.

Now, I thought long and hard and I did NOT come up with the correct answer.

I don't know if that means I don't have the mind of a psycho...or if I just don't have a very creative one.

What's your answer?

(I'll post the answer tomorrow evening)

Word Picture Sunday

but first...
If you missed the live version on Friday night, you can get the podcast right here. See that you do so soonest. There may be a quiz.

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And now...

Unroll your blogroll and grab a thesaurus--it's time for
WORD PICTURE SUNDAY!

The rules are quite simple:
1. Pick a name from your blogroll
2. Think of a single word that you feel describes that person
3. Open an IMAGE SEARCH engine, type in the word, and find the picture that fits.
4. Post the blog, word, and picture.

See how easy? Many of our blogrolls have lots of the same names, so I'll be very interested to see what words YOU come up with for those people.

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I have a blog-friend whom I've been lucky enough to meet in person. Well, I have several of those, actually, but today I'm only talking about one in particular: Steph of Incurable Insomniac. Steph is the BEST: Best in offering unquestioning support, accomplished in writing, creating music, and being a completely interesting person. Steph is alive and quirky and generous and wonderful.
That's why I chose the word

CONSUMMATE
(no, not THAT definition, the OTHER one) :)



Now it's YOUR turn! If you play along, leave your link in the Mr. Linky box so that we may come and admire your work!

FRRRRRIDAY! You know what that means...

That's right, the event you await ever so anxiously every week:

FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE (with MONTY!)
9pm CST, 10pm EST, 7pm PST
Only on Empire Radio!

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll throw up a little in your mouth.

Tonight: By request, ABBA-PALOOZA!
Plus! your horoscope, reality TV update, obscure 70s music, and other stuff I like.

Tune in RIGHT HERE.
Chat room will be open!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

I like the look of my hands.
They're not pretty, dainty, or elegant.
They're not smooth and soft.
The nails are unmanicured and unpolished.
They are, however, strong and capable.

Now I've seen (damn near) EVERYTHING.

Dear Joaquin,

Umm....what?



Dude, whatever you're smoking that makes you misspell your own name...I'll have some of that.

Hoping that you retain your sanity,
Monty

Remove with alcohol.

Wouldn't it be cool if makeup worked like temporary tattoos?
Just pick one that said "Evening", "First Date", "Work", "Casual"...
Slap it on your face, wet the back, and peel off the paper.

VOILA!

I would so buy that.

Word Picture Sunday

I know, you missed WPS, dintchoo?
...but first...
GO ME! TUNE IN TO MR. FAB'S show on Blog Talk Radio, because I ROCK SO MUCH I GET TO BE ON WITH HIM!

woooo!

It's TONIGHT (Sunday) at 6pm CST, 7pm EST, raht heah.
Be there or else you are full of suck.

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The "Honesty" post, for those of you who emailed or commented wondering what happened to it, is buried in a shallow grave in an undisclosed location.
Police are investigating, but have no real leads at this time.

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If you missed MY live show on Friday (QUEENAPALOOZA!), you can get the podcast now!

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And now.

Unroll your blogroll and grab a thesaurus--it's time for
WORD PICTURE SUNDAY!

The rules are quite simple:
1. Pick a name from your blogroll
2. Think of a single word that you feel describes that person
3. Open an IMAGE SEARCH engine, type in the word, and find the picture that fits.
4. Post the blog, word, and picture.

See how easy? Many of our blogrolls have lots of the same names, so I'll be very interested to see what words YOU come up with for those people.

This week I picked a dear friend who's been around for a long time--she's been through a few different blogs now (all of them fantastic, but OH SO VARIED!!)...she's a hell of a writer and contributes to group blogs. Prolific and honest and REAL and many other adjectives is this gorgeous lady, SQUARE1 from Fanciful Muse.
To me, she is completely

CAPTIVATING



Play along, and don't forget to leave your link in the Mr. Linky box so that I may come and admire your choice!

You thought I forgot, dintcha?

NO.SUCH.LUCK.

Friday Night Live with Monty!
Tonight. 9pm CST, 10pm EST, 7pm PST
Tune in right here OR right here.

Playing all the music you forgot you liked.
PLUS!
Reality TV update
Your fo' reals horoscope
Fun fun fun
and
Me.

Chat room will be open!