Friday, March 30, 2007

Despite the weather...

...my worst nightmare the Spring Fling must go on!

Yes, yes, the day I've been dreading is here. No matter that there are tornado watches and warnings, with circulations and sirens and the usual OkieLand spring stuff, the date night is here. Bleh.


There is an assload of pictures coming up. I couldn't help myself.


Now, I know all your kids are incredibly beautiful, but come on.
Looka this:

becca1

And then take a gander at THIS supermodel(please ignore what I couldn't crop out of her messy room):

superstarBecca

Have you EVER in your life seen a cuter face than this???

becca2

She's just learned that boys are frequently late (but we gave him a break due to the weather and the fact that his mom was driving)(note the big ass cup from The Crack House *Sonic* on the floor--right now I'm wishing it was brim-full of booze):

Waiting

And her cute little painted toesies in the shoes that she picked out:

beccasToes

And striking another pose:

beccasBack

And finally, with The Boy (ick)(**note the addition of the corsage!)(dude needs to get his hands off my daughter)(but I forgot to have the shotgun out)

beccaThomas



Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go and cry for a little while.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

See, now THAT'S funny

**UPDATE!**
Everybody drink, because Gary just said "Deer Creek" about five times.
There is a big circulation there, and possible touchdown.
DRINK!
AND
The Tinker AFB sirens just started screaming at the same time my lights flickered.
Which is weird, because there's no tornadic activity in this area at the moment.

Now I must go stare at the radar screens for awhile.

**UPDATE 2** So far: Oklahoma County, Canadian County, Logan County, Grant County, & Kingfisher County. I'm so going to be drunk before dinnertime.



My horoscope for today:
"It's okay to let down your guard and show all your honest emotions today. When other people have a positive impact on your life, you should let them know. Be prepared to communicate how other people make you feel today, because you will be surrounded by big personalities and bigger acts of generosity. You will experience a wonderful mixture of intimidation, excitement and gratitude. Let these feelings inspire you, and you will be unstoppable."

Time to head down cellar

If faced with a choice between two people you love, you choose the one who needs you most.


It's a little bit scary to get a glimpse of what lives in my head, isn't it?
It's a little bit scary for me to let you see it.


I am nothing if not contradictory in nature.
I make no apology for that.


Today is a better day.
Why?
Because it is TORNADO SEASON.
And we've got severe weather headed this way.
There's something almost...sexually exciting...about the charged atmosphere during this time of year here in OkieLand. The weather makes my heart pound and my spirits soar. The black clouds that boil up almost out of nowhere ... driving down the road during a thunderstorm that makes you feel as though you're trapped in an overturned bowl of lightning ... seeing the dark clouds before you and slowly dimming sunshine in the rearview mirror--the contrast amazes me every single time. That spectacular quality of the light when a stray shaft of sunlight beams down with all the black, menacing clouds filling the sky all the way to the horizon and beyond as the backdrop ... it's surreal.


Since Tornado Season has arrived (you should see some of the footage from last night's storms! Awe-inspiring!), it is now time to break out...
The Gary England Drinking Game


Originally posted April 27, 2006

I can sit for HOURS mesmerized by the changing screens of the Doppler radar and NORAD, hypnotized by the weatherman's voice, listening and watching and watching and listening.

There's something about the weathermen that make me feel safe and soothed...because they know JUST what is going to happen, JUST when and JUST where.
I love them with a deep and abiding passion.

I suddenly have a strong need to go hug a weather dude.

So, I stole this from Sleeping Mommy, and if you have ever lived in Oklahoma this game will make perfect sense to you.
Hell, if you've ever visited Oklahoma in the spring or summer, it will make perfect sense to you.

Have fun!
GARY ENGLAND DRINKING GAME

(I left SleepingMommy's comments in parentheses because they made me giggle)(and I strongly suggest that you stock the liquor cabinet or invest in a keg before starting the game)

*Pregame


*1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Castor.
(Monty sez: I choose Hank when I just want a little buzz. He doesn't get as much action)
(Val lives in Stillwater and Gary talks to him CONSTANTLY.)
Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser.
Take four drinks if your storm chaser says “tornado on the ground.”

2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County.
(Because we are always hearing about Pottawatomie County.)
Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink.
Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county.
Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your county.

*One drink


*1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:
“Hook echo” | “Updraft” | “Metro” | “Doppler radar” | “Wall cloud” |”Ranger 9″ | “Underground” | “Mobile home”
2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list.
(Oklahoma has 77 counties but somehow they all get mentioned at some point.)
3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program.
Take one drink if Gary says “You’re not missing any of [program name].” (This is a major concern damnit!)
Take one drink when Gary says “We’ll keep you advised.” (Like we had any doubt that you wouldn’t.)

*Two drinks


*1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:
“Baseball-sized hail” | “Waterloo Road” | “Pottawatomie County” | “Deer Creek High School” (How many times has that high school been hit anyway?!?)
2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:
Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici |Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah (The only one that is even slightly big is Altus.)
3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Castor. (Now we are gonna get really drunk!)

*Three drinks


*1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Castor.
2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.
3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:
“Immediate tornado precautions” | “National Weather Service” | “Mesocyclone” | “Portable Radio” | “Take shelter” | “Tornado warning in effect until …”

*Four drinks


*1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel. (Notice it doesn’t say when it lands to take cover, we don’t land our aircraft in a tornado around here, we fly AROUND them.)
2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized by the NWS (He’s a renegade that way) or says the following:
“Will someone please answer that phone?” (He takes this stuff seriously damn it, answer the phone.) or “Do you see the power flashes?”
3. Take four drinks if a shirt-less tornado victim is interviewed. (Redneck land, yo. There is a reason I get dressed and put on shoes when a storm is in the vicinity.)

*Finish your drink


*1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary mentions the cross streets nearest to you.
2. If Gary says “We’ve lost Val,” pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink. (Poor Val…)


If THAT won't get you drunk, it can't be done.



Now I've got to go move all the crap that lives on top of my cellar door, which for some odd reason (although I'm grateful!) is set into the floor of my bedroom.


OH and PS: I'd like to thank all you smartasses who sent email with "Were you talking to ME?" messages. And yes, you're absolutely correct--you DO know me well enough to know that it would make me laugh.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Brain Soup Gumbo

That we care is both our blessing and our curse.


Unburdening.
Because it wouldn't fall into a cohesive form, no matter how I tried.

I do not like the fact that I have begun to censor myself/because there are people who don't get it/this place/this space/is for me/and me/and me/what I think/what I feel/my opinions/my take/my everything/and I don't care if you agree/or have the same opinion as I do/and I don't always expect you to/even though, naturally, it's much more pleasant when you do/but still/this is my selfish space/and I do not understand why there are still those one or two or three peole who do not get it/who try to take my words and make it about themselves/when there are things I would say/or share/that those few would take as a personal affront/when in all likelyhood it had nothing whatever to do with them/and I can't decide if those people are incredibly conceited/or suffer from a more enormous guilt complex than I have myself/but it doesn't seem right that I must continually stroke/stroke/stroke/soothe/soothe/soothe/hurt feelings when no hurt was intended/it is not/can NOT be/my responsibility as to how they feel/and if a person feels bad because of something I have written/it is not my fault/unless of course I call you by name, in which case I'm totally willing to take the blame/I have decided that it is NOT necessary to submit myself for approval/so I would appreciate it if those people would think of this place like a strip joint/if you don't like what we show here, don't come/I think that's fair enough/and in other news/I do not like hurting those I care for/but I have managed to hurt a few lately/and there are others who are going to be hurt/because of my actions-or inactions/and that makes me very sad/even though I've been told it's unavoidable/and I so desperately want to avoid it anyway/and I've tried to come up with solutions/but evidently those solutions that seem relatively reasonable for me/even though it's a half-ass compromise/are not agreeable/and once someone chased me with a junebug/and I locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour/and it wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now/and if you taunt people with their strongest fears you're not only cruel, you're a bully/and somewhat of an asshat/and OH NO now I know that there are those who will take THAT personally/even though it's something that has been in my drafts for about a year/and has to do only with me being chased by a cruel bully asshat/so I've decided that the next time someone wants to know if something I've written was directed toward them/I'm simply going to say "yes". Even if that's a lie.


I've got all my fingers crossed that the PMS will be over soon.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Love That Monday

"Everybody hates me!"
"Don't be ridiculous. Everybody hasn't met you yet."



Did you miss the SEASON FINALE??
Never fear -- download it HERE!


Sometimes it's tough to weigh the advantages of speaking your mind against not hurting a person's feelings, because the person would take offense whether you meant it for them or not.


Sometimes when I glance at the word Shiitake, my eyes read ShitCake.
I have no idea why this is so.


I have managed to entangle myself in a sticky situation, from which I have no idea how to extricate myself.


Why is it that some people say, "I have to be honest..." but when you try to be honest right back, they get bent?


I could totally go for some Ben & Jerry's right now.


I am really, really sick and tired of appeasing people simply because they're either completely paranoid or so puffed up with self-importance that they think my every waking thought is consumed by them.

NEWSFLASH: My every thought is NOT about YOU. (well, maybe one or two of you, but those are really dirty thoughts so that doesn't count)


I admire people when they have an...epiphany, or revelation, or self-realization.
I'm all GO YOU! That's GREAT! *support support support*
Except when they have the exact same revelation every few months and still haven't done anything about it.
Seriously? It's not news anymore.
Exactly how many times can you say the 'zact same thing over & over? I'm guessing I'll find out.


When exactly did I turn into Crabby McCrabberson?


I'd become a hermit, but that would be like shutting the barn door after the cow's already out.


Tuesday, please hurry.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Busted

schoolcartoon


This past weekend the kids and I went to my friend's house for dinner, and my friend mentioned reading about my daughter's upcoming Spring Fling thingy.
She mentioned that she read it here.

My daughter gave me A Look and said, "MOOOOOM! You posted about my date on your BLOOOOOOG??"

Whoops.


Last week as I was driving down the highway I saw one of my favorite ex-boyfriends.
Or rather, he saw me.
Or rather, he cut me off and waved to get my attention, then pulled into the next lane and slowed down until we were...window to window.
And grinned at me.

He still makes all the spit in my mouth dry up.

Monday, March 19, 2007

In case...

...you weren't listening last night. Here's your second chance.
Oh, and CALL ME! 206-66-MOJO-1
You know you want to.


Click here to get your own player.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Friday Thoughts

If I were forced to marry tomorrow and I could choose any celebrity I wanted...
I'd marry Craig Ferguson.
I love him.
Love.Love.LOVE HIM.

He makes me laugh a lot.


If I were ever in his audience on the Late Late Show, I would throw my panties on the stage.


Of course, he'd most probably be terrified at the piece of white cotton approximately the size of a mainsail hurtling toward him.

So maybe that's not such a good idea after all.


Helpful Hints

A few suggestions for parents who are concerned about leaving their child/children home alone for the first time (they've worked out for me so far, and I gave some of them to MommaK recently and since she didn't post about her house burning down or anything, I guess they worked out okay for her too):

1. Show the children where the fire extinguisher is kept, in case they start a fire while playing with matches.

2. Teach them how to tie a proper tourniquet in case they cut themselves (or each other) while playing with knives.

3. Point out the proper dosage of Pepto Bismol to take after they've eaten 27 Fudgsicles for dinner.

4. Show them how to hide the evidence of keggers.

5. Teach them how to delete the cookies & temp files on the computer so you won't know they've been surfing porn sites.

6. Leave the medicated ointment available in case they burn themselves messing with the stove.

7. 911. 'Nuff said.

If you follow these suggestions, you should be able to feel comfortable leaving your children at home. And with luck, your house will still be standing upon your return.

No need to thank me. Really.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

You know...

...if I were a different kind of person, I would say things like

If you know what steps you need to take to make the change, if you have the ability and means to take those steps, and you say you REALLY REALLY want to make the change, how stupid do you have to be not to at least put a toe over the line? Take a baby step?

and

Fo' reals yo, dawg, grow up. Get over yourself. You makin' me tired.

**I neglected to mention that I would also be saying these very things to myself.
***No, this was not directed at you.



Whilst in the middle of daydreaming heavy thinking on the way to work today, I (once again) took the wrong exit.

This seems to happen to me with amazing regularity.


I suffer from an overwhelming fear of being crushed whenever I happen to be exactly between two semi trucks on the highway.
It's the only thing that's ever made me claustrophobic.


NOW there's dinner at the boy's house before the Spring Fling.
This does not bode well. For me, I mean.


Say, you forgot to call me! 206-66-MOJO-1.
What is ya, chicken??!??


That is all.
Have a day.

And stop stealing my stuff.
You know who you are.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Mothers and daughters

My daughter was in the kitchen rummaging for an after-school snack and I asked her a question...
and she answered me with a belch.
I mean she did the belch-talk thing.

On purpose.

I had to wipe a proud tear from my eye.


Yesterday she came home from school bubbling over about the Spring Fling dance.
I told her she could probably go, if she didn't get in my bad books & get grounded before then.
Then.
She said.
A.
Boy.
ASKED HER TO GO.
WITH HIM.
To the dance.

A stinky nasty disgusting dirty boy, for crap's sake.


I'm SO not ready for that.


WhywhyWHY didn't I send her to the convent like I planned?


I think I'm having a panic attack.


P.S. Where can I get a shotgun?


P.P.S. I don't need ammunition, I just want to look threatening.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

HURRY!!

It's almost time...

...to GET YOUR MOJO WORKIN'!

Tonight: No theme, just fab music with lots of 70's hits (no, not disco hits. The OTHER 70's music)

PLUS!
Reality TV UPDATE: Survivor, American Idol, Amazing Race
Your horoscope
More fun than one person can handle

Tonight. 8pm CENTRAL

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.



See you there.
Or else.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Good news!

Last week I discovered that I am, in fact, Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.

Not that there was ever really any doubt.

Much.


Help me out here, because I may be overreacting as usual.

Since beginning work in fractions, my daughter has been doing very poorly in math. Every week I have to sign several papers for the teacher-everything under a 70%.
I sent a note to the teacher--quite politely--and said that since Becca apparently doesn't understand the fraction thing very well, perhaps she could take a little time to go over it with her and give her a little extra attention in this area.

Two days later I get a note that says, "I've spoken to Mrs. K and she has a tutoring spot available."

To the tune of $10 for 30 minutes.
To teach Becca something she's already being paid to teach her.

Now before you eat me, I'm all for tutoring if needed. And I know that many educators are seriously underpaid (and, if you ask me--which you didn't--a few of them are seriously OVERpaid for what they do).


Maybe it's just because I loathe my daughter's school, and that's coloring my view, but to a poor gal like me that's an excessive amount.
I'm willing to admit that I could be wrong, and I just don't like my daughter's teachers.

Like two weeks ago, when my daughter missed Thursday & Friday because she had the flu.
She went back on Monday last week, and went around to her teachers getting her make-up assignments.

The language teacher said, "Don't ask me right now, I'll get it for you during your class time."
During class time, "I'll have to look it up & get it to you before class is over."
Near the end of class, "SIT DOWN."
At the end of class, "IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SCREAM."

And Becca came home withOUT the language assignment.

Now, it seems to me that my daughter was just trying to be responsible and get all her homework (mostly so she wouldn't get into trouble with me).
And the teacher, the adult, did NOT hold up her end of the responsibility bar.

But see, I'm on the defensive every time I have to deal with her school, just because they've got a pantload of teachers who...don't seem to care about the students and instead have designated times for "active teaching" (THEIR term), and the rest is seatwork. And busywork. It took Becca a full week (plus weekend) to make up all the work that she missed those two days--because of the daily homework load.
Sorry, but in fifth grade I think the time is long past for coloring by numbers.

But I could be wrong. Maybe I don't get it.

Monday, March 05, 2007

2 days late and 2 dollars short

Forgive me, I was unavailable this weekend (and no, unfortunately I wasn't doing anything exciting and/or naughty. More's the pity).
I was supposed to REVEAL ALL on Saturday for MIXMANIA...I know that you're all panting in antici.....................................................

.............................................................pation, so here we go!


If you'll recall, I mentioned that I used TWO themes and put them under the umbrella title of Reading Rainbow.

One theme came to me easily...at least, the concept did. But I was having trouble finding songs to go with it without being dreadfully obscure.

So I chose another (and easier!)(and obvious!) theme and kept the original as a "bonus".

Without further ado....


Theme 1: Color My World
This one was easy as I'd just used the same theme on my radio show.

Disc 1:
123 Red Light - 1910 Fruitgum Company
Bad Bad Leroy Brown - Jim Croce
Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
Black Horse & Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall
Blue Monday - New Order
Scarlet Fever - Kenny Rogers
Forever In Blue Jeans - Neil Diamond
Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mac
Goodbye Blue Sky - Pink Floyd
Green Onions - Booker T & The MGs
Hooray For Hazel - Tommy Roe
Mellow Yellow - Donovan
Pink - Aerosmith
Blue Skies - Ella Fitzgerald
Red Rubber Ball - Cyrkle
Silver Blue & Gold - Bad Company
Roses Are Red (My Love) - Bobby Vinton
Suite Madam Blue - Styx
Paint It Black - Rolling Stones
Blue Eyes Cryin' In The Rain - Willie Nelson

DISC 2:
Whiter Shade Of Pale - Annie Lennox
Babysitting Blues - Elisabeth Shue, Adv. In Babysitting
Turquoise Boy - Sonic Youth
Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
Black Betty - Ram Jam
Blue Eyes - Elton John
Something In Red - Lorrie Morgan
Blue Morning, Blue Day - Foreigner
Purple People Eater - Sheb Wooley
Green Eyed Lady - Sugarloaf
Little Red Riding Hood - Sam The Sham & The Pharoahs
Bluer Than Blue - Michael Johnson
Nights In White Satin - Moody Blues
Purple Rain - Prince
Ride The White Horse - Laid Back
Ruby - Kenny Rogers
Coat Of Many Colors - Dolly Parton

(I actually have many more "color" songs, but that would have been yet another disc and four seems a little excessive, even to me)


Theme 2 ("BONUS" Theme): BY THE BOOK
My original idea...songs about/featuring works of (or characters in) literature.
Well, I thought it was clever.

BONUS DISC 3:
Tom Sawyer - Rush (The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain)
Rocket Man - Elton John (The Rocket Man short story in The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury)
1984 - David Bowie (1984 by George Orwell)
Wuthering Heights - Pat Benetar (Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte)
Godzilla - Blue Oyster Cult (okay, this one doesn't technically qualify, but it's a favorite song of mine)
Just Like Romeo & Juliet - The Reflections (do I really need to explain this one?)
A Picture Of Dorian Gray - The Futureheads (The Picture Of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde)
Lolita - Elefant (Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov)
Who Wrote Holden Caulfield? - Green Day (The Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger)
My Antonia - Emmylou Harris & Dave Matthews (My Antonia by Willa Cather)
Rime Of The Ancient Mariner - Iron Maiden (Rime Of The Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
Love Song For A Vampire - Annie Lennox (Dracula by Bram Stoker)


Happy Freakin' Monday.
That is all.