Happy New Year or Whatever.

It's 2010. (well, in Australia. We still have a few more hours of CrapFest '09 left here in the You Ess of Ayyyyyyyyy)

Hip hip hooray.

My New Year SUGGESTIONS:

1. I am going to be way less tolerant of bullshit.

2. Yeah, that's it. That's all I've got.

---

UPDATE:

I am adding two suggestions that I have stolen from Finn and Domestic Spaz:

3. "My resolution? To change. Something. Doesn't have to be a positive change, just a change. Maybe my underwear." (see, now THAT I can do. Or I could if I wore underwear)

4. "My resolution is to drink more and clean less." (THAT is what I'm talkin' about, sister! Real change, reachable goals. KUDOS)

---

Really, who says resolutions have to be about a bunch of improvement crap?
Because let's face it, I'm 41 years old and it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that I am going to change after all this time.
I'd much rather be reasonable and create attainable goals.
I do not WANT to be all perky and trilly and full of "positivity" (which, BY THE WAY, is a really stupid word) all the time. IT ISN'T NATURAL.
Some of us were put on the earth to balance out you weirdo freaks.
Like me.
So, you know, fuck off and stuff.

---

Truthfully 2009 was a fairly well-balanced year for me... a LOT of bad (and by "bad" I mean HIGHLY INCONVENIENT and sometimes PAINFUL and BULLSHITTY) stuff happened in 2009... my dryer went out and my car gave up the ghost and for awhile it was one drama after another...

But that yin was yanged by TRUE FRIENDS who were not only emotionally supportive (and enabling, THANK GOD! because I need to be enabled), they put their little pointed heads together and helped me get a new dryer and new car and new-to-me furniture and a million other little things.
They helped me get to BlogHer and I got to spend a weekend with four of my very best people in the world.
Two of my very best people came across the country AND INTERNATIONALLY to spend the weekend AT MY HOUSE.

So I guess 2009 wasn't a total disaster. It had many moments of true greatness.
2010 has a lot to live up to.

---

I was going to do one of those self-serving, narcissistic "My Favorite Posts Of 2009" but really none of them were that great AND the last 4 or 5 months I've hardly blogged at ALL except for product reviews.

So instead, I will post one of those self-serving, narcissistic "My Favorite Tweets Of 2009" lists, but FYI these are not just MY favorites, they are Other People's Favorites too.
You can also find them (and a lot more) HERE and HERE.

YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

---

My Favorite Favorited Tweets of 2009:

Being a REAL "Power Mom" has zero to do with the internet. Or marketing. Or monetizing. Or being legendary in your own mind.

I am offering large cups of Shut The Fuck Up with free unlimited refills.

I tried to love my neighbor as I love myself but he really didn't like The Rabbit.

Bring chips and chocolate when visiting a woman with PMS or menopause. The life you save may be your own.

I wish tears tasted like chocolate so that at least I could ENJOY the incessant peri-menopausal crying.

I think I've gone from a 36C to a 36Long.

One person's hero is another person's douchebag.

And from the #fakeinspirationalcrap series...

"I try to always focus on the positive; like, You're positively a douchebag." #fakeinspirationalcrap

"To allow love to blossom is to invite someone to pick it, stick it in a jar, and watch it die." #fakeinspirationalcrap

"Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but it's also likely to get you stabbed in the head." #fakeinspirationalcrap

"It's okay to be a failure, as long as nobody sees it." #fakeinspirationalcrap

---

That is all.
Have a Day Year.

Out with the old and in with new. RIGHT.

OOOOH, it's already starting.
I've heard talk. I've read blurbs and tweets and many a thing...
NEW YEAR'S EVE is almost here.
And with that... The Coming Of The Resolutions.

I have to say that in a way it's my favorite time of year, mostly because I get to read all the things you are SIMPLY RESOLVED to do this year ABSOLUTELY, FOR SURE UH HUH THIS TIME I RILLY MEAN IT.

And I giggle a lot.

Because I go look at your LAST year's list of resolutions, and the year before that, and the year before that....

You know that when I'm talking about myself I prefer to call them "Suggestions".
Because really, I don't feel at all bad about ignoring suggestions.

Here are YOUR Top 10 Broken Resolutions from the last few years... how many will you have yet AGAIN this year?
I think if you've had a thing on your Resolutions list more than two years with a chance at a third... it's time to accept the fact that it's not gonna happen. EVER.

Go ahead & write your list. It makes me laugh. I'm laughing WITH YOU, of course.

1. "I'm going to start blogging every day/more often!" (RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT)

2. "I'm going to take up exercising... just as soon as I get the right shoes!" (seriously, HOW many years does it take to find the right shoes? I only went back 5 years in your blog but STILL.HASN'T.HAPPENED)

3. "I'm going to diet and eat healthier!" (hahahahahahahaha! have another cookie. Also that would totally be on my list, and I would break it within a week. Or hour.)

4. "I'm going to spend more time with my kids and family - I'm missing all the growing up parts!" (all I have to do is look at my twitter timeline and see all the mommybloggers flying hither and thither every other week to this conference or that conference...all sans kids)

5. "I'm going to quit drinking/smoking!" (why give up the only things that truly give you pleasure?)

6. "I'm going to read more!" (great idea in theory, but Playboy and Hustler don't count. Neither does Martha Stewart Living)

7. "I am going to GET ORGANIZED!" (but will you STAY organized? I WILL BE CHECKING)

8. "I'm going to stop TALKING about stuff and just DO IT!" (okay, yeah, that would involve GETTING UP FROM THE COMPUTER. Good luck with that.)

9. "I'm going to work less!" (For some of you, I just don't see how that's even POSSIBLE #lazyasses)

10."I'm going to take up a new hobby!" (Five bucks says your new hobby has something to do with being online)

---

So.... what else you got?

OMJ SERIOUSLY.

I celebrate the "Christ" part of Christmas, so don't YOU trample on MY rights and beliefs by telling me I shouldn't say "Merry Christmas".

I mean seriously, feel free to wish ME a Happy Hannukah or Kwaanza or Festivus or Molepeople Day or even Creepy Scientology Day.

Why do you care how I celebrate, or care what my Reason For The Season is? I ain't tryin' to get all up in your holiday bizness.

WHY would I complain about any of that when there are so many other things to complain about?

Also if I was a total Grinchy McScrooge I would wish you a Merry Christmas RIGHT NOW just to piss you off. OH WAIT....

FML.

You ever think you feel something crawling in your pants leg and you try to ignore it because probably it's just a piece of hair or something but then the more you try not to think about the more you become convinced that it's a spider and then you run to the bathroom a little screamy whilst ripping your clothes off and jumping up and down on them in case there IS a spider in there?

Oh.

Me neither.

I was just asking.

HOLIDAY GIVEAWAYS! Gift ideas!

See, this is the time EVERY year when I start to panic.
I mean CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE FOR CRAP'S SAKE AND I HAVE BOUGHT NOTHING.

Well, not NOTHING -- my kids are pretty easy at the moment... my 14 year old daughter is NUTSO CRAZY for Bon Jovi.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
I have raised her correctly, OBVIOUSLY. She loves the 80s, just like mom.
MY mom calls it "brainwashing" but whatever.

My son? Well, he likes videos. DONE.

But everyone else? NO. IDEA.
I'm so lame at the whole gift buying thingie. Zero imagination.

So THANK GOODNESS, once again, for Mom Central's Gift Guide!
Plus also -- GIVEAWAYS! FREE STUFF!
Who does NOT love free stuff, especially at this time of year? Only someone much dumber than me.

Head on over to Mom Central and check out the reviews and the sponsors for the giveaways -- if you can't get some excellent gift ideas from all of that, then you're beyond hope.
There is TONS of cool stuff.
Just log in and win!

Now excuse me, I must SHOP. Which I HATE. I would like to marry the creator of ONLINE SHOPPING because it is the only way to go.
Only I don't get to yell at people, but hey, that's a small sacrifice.

---

---

OH YEAH HERE'S THAT ONE THING I HAVE TO ADD BECAUSE OF THE CHEATERS:
"I wrote this review while participating in a blog campaign by Mom Central. Mom Central entered my name in a random drawing to win a gift to thank me for taking the time to participate."

Doing my part to save the forests.

I KNOW how you sit by your mailbox every year just WAITING for...
that Christmas card from me.

Many of you know (from personal experience) that typically at Christmas time I send out about a fafillion Christmas (not holiday!) cards, hand addressed and each with a personal hand-written note JUST FOR YOU inside.
I know it's not much -- you may think it's nothing.
But in some tiny way, to me it represents how much I care for you that I would
A. Take time away from work AND the computer
B. Actually HAND WRITE a personal note (every year I have to remind myself how to actually write in cursive)
C. Get writers cramp and also that weird bump that you get on your middle finger, you know? Where it's sore? With an indentation? Yeah that thing.
4. Actually GO INTO THE POST OFFICE and STAND IN LINE and BUY STAMPS. You KNOW how I hate to get out of the house.

So really, there's more involved than you think. No pre-printed "Happy Holidays! akaMonty and Family" messages. No picture thingies printed out out Walgreen's.
NOT THAT THERE IS A SINGLE THING WRONG WITH THAT -- I DEARLY LOVE TO RECEIVE THEM FROM YOU. It means you're thinking of me, and I love you for that.

But I have so little to give that I like to make it special and just for each of you alone. It's like...okay, if you laugh or make fun of me I will stab your eyes out some night in your sleep when you least expect it...like a warm little hug from me to you each year.

SHUT UP I KNOW IT IS CORNY BUT KISS MY ASS.

ANYWAY.

Having said ALL that, I didn't want you to be sitting there endlessly, waiting and waiting this year. I don't want your feelings to be hurt when the post(wo)man doesn't bring you a card from me.

Frankly, this year has been a real struggle for me and the kids; we've had lots of extra challenges and road bumps and DESPITE the fact that I have some fabulously generous people in my life who've helped me more than I can say... well, I'm just not up to it this year.
I'm very sorry.

So here's your hug and your kiss and your Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Happy Chaka Khan. ♥♥♥♥

Celebrate it by doing something unexpected this year.