Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New Year's Post...what?

I just sat here staring at this page for FORTY-FIVE minutes just thinking of how to START.
I'm all "I HAVE NO OPENING LINE!"
I guess blogging really isn't like riding a bicycle and you CAN forget how. I've been writing posts in my head and then just letting them slide away because I can't be bothered to do that much typing.
And frankly, the posts probably weren't that great to begin with.

So the holidays are over (AT LAST) and the new year has begun (and hasn't TOTALLY started sucking yet) and I stayed away long enough for everyone to get all those "New Year Resolutions" out of their systems.

We all know that I prefer to make suggestions rather than resolutions, because why set myself up for certain failure?
I mean, I can't even remember what "suggestions" I offered for myself last year, so I have no idea if I even stuck to any of them. If I did I'm sure it was completely accidental.

2008 was a red-hot mess of a year for me. You may know some of the reasons; some I haven't shared with ANYONE on the planet, some of it was just LIFE.
Not that '08 wasn't without it's supahigh peaks: I got to speak on a panel at BlogHer and I got to go to BosUP '08 - and was tickled to meet some of my very favorite twitterers and bloggers.
DEFINITELY TIP TOP in 2008.
But the rest of it? Meh. Let's just put it behind us, shall we?

Plus I've been having a really good time lurking about and reading YOUR resolutions...and not to be mean or anything but it makes me laugh when I read your 2009 resolutions and then go back to see what they were for 2008 and 2007.
THEY ARE THE SAME and STILL NOT DONE. hahahahahaha!
It's actually quite comforting to know that I'm not the only slacker, and that for the past few years your jogging/exercise/fitness program that you RESOLVE to begin every year is STILL un-begun (I don't think that's a real word, but I like it so SHUT IT) because you need the proper shoes (STILL) or the proper exercise equipment or you STILL have not found the right gym or blahblablah.

You've resolved (for the past 3 or 4 years) to start blogging more regularly... and your resolution to blog daily in 2009 is the LAST thing you posted.

HEY, I'm not judging. I'm just pointing out that THAT is the reason why I don't make resolutions. Plus also, you guys just keep it up so I can compare 2010's resolutions and laugh at you some more.


ANOTHER thing I wanted to avoid is the dreaded "Best Of..." post. I tried that one year and really? do you really click all those links of "My Top 10 Best Posts According To Me"? I will secretly tell you that I don't click 'em on YOUR blogs.
No offense, but I probably already read it the first time, plus I just don't have time.

Instead (and also in the interest of The Art Of The Quickie), I give you my Top 10 Favorite Tweets of 2008 (and yes, you've probably read them all before but HEY, there's no clicking and it'll only take a sec anyway unless you're a really, really slow reader in which case you got bored with this post 10 minutes ago and aren't reading this right now anyway).

I heard someone was ACTUALLY TRULY writing a book called Twitter for Dummies, so I decided that I'd beat them to it:
TWITTER FOR DUMMIES: Be interesting. Say stuff. Engage in conversation. Keep it under 140 characters. THE END.

Because it's just plain truth: I should come with a warning label that reads: "Not Safe For People".

Again, truth: Was going to go as a bitch for halloween, but my constume is tattered from wearing it every day.

Because it made me laugh when it first popped into my head: A gynecologist's computer = a Paptop

I feel this way about people who are bigger attention whores than me: I'm sorry, I don't have time to masturbate your ego today.

This is going on my list of Death Instructions: I think I'd like for my obituary to start with: If you had my name in today's Dead Pool, CONGRATULATIONS! U R A WINNER!

This really gives an insight into what it's like to be ME: In the great Paragraph Of Life, I am usually out of context.

Apparently I am fascinated with gynocological exams: The best way to be remembered by your gyno is to ALWAYS carry a strand of pearls to drape artfully across your vajayjay during the exam.

HEY, this one is a FACT: Booze actually makes you smarter because it hunts and kills off the weak and dying brain cells, leaving the healthy ones to get stronger.

And my all time favorite, my personal take on TWITTER DATING:

Twitter Dating: A series. Tweet #1: "OMG @--- is even cuter than his mangatar! I need a tictac."



Twitter Dating #2: "@--- & I are at the movies watching Dark Knight. He "accidentally" touched my boob! Also he is hogging the popcorn."



Twitter Dating #3: "At dinner with @---. He has spinach in his teeth. SO GROSS but FUNNY, so I'm not going to tell him. DO NOT TWEET HIM!"



Twitter Dating #4: "OMG I'm totally DOING IT with @--- RIGHT NOW! After all, he DID spring for dinner & movie & you should see size of his c
(ed. note: Aw, too bad! That one must have been over 140 characters)



Twitter Dating #5: oaifhjkajsadhjuiwhrjh



Twitter Dating #6 (the next morning): "Hm. Daylight changes things. & now he knows where I live. I might have to move."



Twitter Dating #7: "Unfollowing/blocking @---."

The end.




So long, 2008. I do not miss you at all.

Hello 2009 - Bring it, bitch. I'm ready for you.
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