Sunday, December 28, 2008

PHD - Post Holiday Depression

Sometimes I feel like I don't matter.

I don't say that so that everyone will go OOOH, OF COURSE YOU DO! and give me some validation.
Okay, maybe it is a LITTLE bit.
Sometimes I need validation as much as the next guy...if the next guy is incredibly needy and sometimes wallows in a bottomless pit of zero self-esteem.
It's the holidays and the wintertime getting me down. The upside is that the holiday hoopla is almost over and I can relax a little bit.

Sometimes I feel left out.

No, it's NOTHING that you've done/not done that makes me feel this way.
Yes, I have issues about not being good enough or smart enough or well-read enough or pretty enough or (fill in the blank) enough.

I'm not the only one, though, right?
Seriously. You can admit it to me. I won't tell anyone.

Which brings me to another issue...I apologize if I've ever made you feel as though you don't matter to me, because you definitely do.

See, a lot of people think that because I don't ask questions and dig and pry into their lives, it means I don't care.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I WANT to know. I want to know the details. I want to be involved, I want to comfort you, and sometimes I just want to know the good gossip.

Some of my friends are quite comfortable with butting in and nosing around and digging into the root of someone else's problems or issues or troubles; I'm just not built that way.

I've always thought that if you WANT to tell me, you will. Also? I don't want to put someone in the position of having to lie to me if they simply do not want me to know something.

NOW I find out that guess what? You WANT to be asked. You WANT me to nag to get at the truth, because it shows that I truly care.

So, I'm sorry that I haven't asked and probed and gotten all up in your bizness.
What's weird is that I've never felt like it was my place to do that to YOU, but I've never minded someone doing it to ME.

But I will step outside my comfort zone and be nosier, because I want you to know that I care and that YOU MATTER TO ME.

Your friendships are the strong, colorful threads that weave the beautiful tapestry of my life.
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