Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Time to get your groove on.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific
Tonight we present: EMO-PALOOZA!
That's right -- put on your black clothes, grab a razor, and feel the angst.
Tune it in. TURN IT UP.
The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.
Hey, the
Monday, June 23, 2008
Always leave 'em laughing
I'll always remember the 7 dirty words.
And that my shit is stuff, and your stuff is shit.
I'll miss you, funny man.
Friday, June 20, 2008
It's Miller MONTY TIME!
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific
With a very special co-ho, Jack from Wander Radio!
Time to tune it in and TURN IT UP: EMPIRE RADIO (or click Listen Here)
The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.
Hey, the
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Family Ties
ME: "I think she's trying to hook up with as many people as possible."
MOM: "Hook up, like in the biblical sense?"
**This portion of the post has been redacted on account of my sister throwing a fit about it. So I'll correct any misapprehension:
My sister is the most beautiful person ever. She is generous and loving and always cares about everyone else first. She is so kind that she would never even swat a fly or squash an ant.
Except for the little comment tantrum.
There. Although she did call me a big fat liar, so...
When a family member misprounounces a word, do you make fun of them so much about it that the mispronunciation becomes the WAY YOU SAY the word?
Like in my family, we say "kraut'ns" instead of "croutons". And "fatty-guys" for "fatigues". And "Cowsy-wowsy" for "Quasimodo" (yeah, thank my brother for that one).
TELL ME YOURS. Or are we the only stupid family?
My dad likes to make shit up. I mean, like this totally bogus BS and of course then we all make fun of him behind his back.
I'm pretty sure he knows.
It probably isn't as funny to anyone else, but we still laugh ourselves breathless over it.
Like one summer my dad was using muffin tins to make ice cubes...and he kept breaking glasses.
He said the glass was weak because they were old and had been washed in hot water so many times.... he didn't seem to think that trying to stuff muffin-sized ice cubes into the glass had ANYTHING to do with it.
So now whenever someone breaks a glass, we say that it must have been washed in hot water too many times.
And the time he was outside using the water hose to spray down the brick on the corner of their house (the corner which was my sister's bedroom at the time).
He said that wetting the brick would help keep my sister's room cooler.
The rest of us decided that perhaps she (sister) should run and turn off the ceiling fan in her room before icicles started forming on the ceiling.
Now, whenever we walk into a cool room in the summer, someone always says that Dad must've been outside watering the brick.
Oh, there is so much, much more.
Shit, I just realized that my family is totally insane.
I have PMS.
Do you think I can manage to lose 25lbs before BlogHer, short of liposuction?
So. How's your week been so far?
Entertain me. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENTERTAIN ME.
That is all.
Have a day.
MOM: "Hook up, like in the biblical sense?"
**This portion of the post has been redacted on account of my sister throwing a fit about it. So I'll correct any misapprehension:
My sister is the most beautiful person ever. She is generous and loving and always cares about everyone else first. She is so kind that she would never even swat a fly or squash an ant.
Except for the little comment tantrum.
There. Although she did call me a big fat liar, so...
When a family member misprounounces a word, do you make fun of them so much about it that the mispronunciation becomes the WAY YOU SAY the word?
Like in my family, we say "kraut'ns" instead of "croutons". And "fatty-guys" for "fatigues". And "Cowsy-wowsy" for "Quasimodo" (yeah, thank my brother for that one).
TELL ME YOURS. Or are we the only stupid family?
My dad likes to make shit up. I mean, like this totally bogus BS and of course then we all make fun of him behind his back.
I'm pretty sure he knows.
It probably isn't as funny to anyone else, but we still laugh ourselves breathless over it.
Like one summer my dad was using muffin tins to make ice cubes...and he kept breaking glasses.
He said the glass was weak because they were old and had been washed in hot water so many times.... he didn't seem to think that trying to stuff muffin-sized ice cubes into the glass had ANYTHING to do with it.
So now whenever someone breaks a glass, we say that it must have been washed in hot water too many times.
And the time he was outside using the water hose to spray down the brick on the corner of their house (the corner which was my sister's bedroom at the time).
He said that wetting the brick would help keep my sister's room cooler.
The rest of us decided that perhaps she (sister) should run and turn off the ceiling fan in her room before icicles started forming on the ceiling.
Now, whenever we walk into a cool room in the summer, someone always says that Dad must've been outside watering the brick.
Oh, there is so much, much more.
Shit, I just realized that my family is totally insane.
I have PMS.
Do you think I can manage to lose 25lbs before BlogHer, short of liposuction?
So. How's your week been so far?
Entertain me. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENTERTAIN ME.
That is all.
Have a day.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Sphincter Clenching Fear
So you may have already heard that 
!!
As over-the-moon excited as I am about going, I'm filled almost equally with ever-mounting anxiety.
I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought What the hell have I gotten myself into?
It will be fine. I know it will. I'm SURE of it.
But see, the panel on which I'm sitting is about introversion, blogging, and blogher.
There's a reason that I'm on that panel.
I'm shy.
I've TOLD you that before. Whenever I do one of those "Tell Me X Things About Yourself" memes, I tell you I'm shy. You never believe me.
But it's the solid truth.
Meeting new people?? UH UH. Not good.
I can do it - I was a hotel GM and I had to do grand openings and sales blitzes and introduce myself and be chatty and personable and OH EM GEE I CAN'T HANDLE IT...but I do - although it's a struggle.
The most frightening thing about BlogHer, I think, is going to be meeting you guys.
I KNOW, I know, that's what I WANT to do.
But see, here's the thing: it's not often that you meet new people who ALREADY KNOW YOUR INSIDES.
See?
You people already know most of my deepest fears, my failings and failures, my most embarrassing moments, my meanest thoughts, my worst actions.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
And have offered your opinions on them.
How could I possibly expect you to take me seriously, in the flesh?
You will all know FAR more about me than 3 days acquaintance would normally allow.
How am I supposed to look you in the face when you know how angry and resentful I've been? When I've confessed that I made a lesbian joke at my great-grandma's funeral?
How can I meet your eyes when I have told you I BURNT OUT THE MOTOR IN MY VIBRATOR?
I feel a little sick just now. Woozy, even.
I mean, it's not like meeting someone in person at like...a three day retreat and walking up and saying "Hi. I'm a single mom and my son's really, really disabled and sometimes I hate my life and sometimes I think other people should really not complain about all the wonderful things they have and sometimes I can't imagine making it through the day, let alone the next week, and sometimes I say things and people laugh and that's good, especially when I wasn't even trying to be funny and OH YEAH, I'm really poor and make lousy money but I love my job, and I worry about things all the time and I worry about people all the time and I'm fat and self-conscious and I really love to voice my opinions but only online where I don't have to see people and I do this radio show which is fun but again, I don't have to see anyone and my car is a piece of shit and......."
You guys already know that and SO.MUCH.MORE.
In here, buried in the internets, I can say just what I want, whenever I want, with few repercussions. The worst that could possibly happen is that someone could unfollow me on twitter, or UNblogroll me, or I could get the occasional troll or heated email.
Plus also? Here, if I tell a joke and it falls flat I don't have to see you trying not to roll your eyes. If I say something without thinking (OH DEAR GOD EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE), I don't have to watch your nose crinkle in distaste or a sneer curl the corner of your mouth. I don't have to read your body language to see that I may have crossed a line or gone too far or made you uncomfortable.
So yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to unclench until I'm safely back home again...or unless you guys can get me really, really drunk.
!!As over-the-moon excited as I am about going, I'm filled almost equally with ever-mounting anxiety.
I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought What the hell have I gotten myself into?
It will be fine. I know it will. I'm SURE of it.
But see, the panel on which I'm sitting is about introversion, blogging, and blogher.
There's a reason that I'm on that panel.
I'm shy.
I've TOLD you that before. Whenever I do one of those "Tell Me X Things About Yourself" memes, I tell you I'm shy. You never believe me.
But it's the solid truth.
Meeting new people?? UH UH. Not good.
I can do it - I was a hotel GM and I had to do grand openings and sales blitzes and introduce myself and be chatty and personable and OH EM GEE I CAN'T HANDLE IT...but I do - although it's a struggle.
The most frightening thing about BlogHer, I think, is going to be meeting you guys.
I KNOW, I know, that's what I WANT to do.
But see, here's the thing: it's not often that you meet new people who ALREADY KNOW YOUR INSIDES.
See?
You people already know most of my deepest fears, my failings and failures, my most embarrassing moments, my meanest thoughts, my worst actions.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
And have offered your opinions on them.
How could I possibly expect you to take me seriously, in the flesh?
You will all know FAR more about me than 3 days acquaintance would normally allow.
How am I supposed to look you in the face when you know how angry and resentful I've been? When I've confessed that I made a lesbian joke at my great-grandma's funeral?
How can I meet your eyes when I have told you I BURNT OUT THE MOTOR IN MY VIBRATOR?
I feel a little sick just now. Woozy, even.
I mean, it's not like meeting someone in person at like...a three day retreat and walking up and saying "Hi. I'm a single mom and my son's really, really disabled and sometimes I hate my life and sometimes I think other people should really not complain about all the wonderful things they have and sometimes I can't imagine making it through the day, let alone the next week, and sometimes I say things and people laugh and that's good, especially when I wasn't even trying to be funny and OH YEAH, I'm really poor and make lousy money but I love my job, and I worry about things all the time and I worry about people all the time and I'm fat and self-conscious and I really love to voice my opinions but only online where I don't have to see people and I do this radio show which is fun but again, I don't have to see anyone and my car is a piece of shit and......."
You guys already know that and SO.MUCH.MORE.
In here, buried in the internets, I can say just what I want, whenever I want, with few repercussions. The worst that could possibly happen is that someone could unfollow me on twitter, or UNblogroll me, or I could get the occasional troll or heated email.
Plus also? Here, if I tell a joke and it falls flat I don't have to see you trying not to roll your eyes. If I say something without thinking (OH DEAR GOD EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE), I don't have to watch your nose crinkle in distaste or a sneer curl the corner of your mouth. I don't have to read your body language to see that I may have crossed a line or gone too far or made you uncomfortable.
So yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to unclench until I'm safely back home again...or unless you guys can get me really, really drunk.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Why I don't read so many blogs anymore
I hope nobody takes it personally (although I know you will), because these are completely MY issues & shouldn't take anything away from you.
Why I may have stopped reading your blog:
1. I didn't stop reading it at all, I just use a feed reader & don't have time to comment very often - but I still love to read it!
2. Your "voice" has changed and I no longer feel like I have anything in common with you.
3. You have three or more posts whining about how nobody loves you anymore (because you got only 20 comments for a couple of days instead of the usual 40 or so).
4. You choose to curry favor with the "popular" bloggers.
5. You refer to yourself as a "popular" blogger or "blogebrity" or any of those other ridiculous terms.
6. You no longer entertain me.
7. I'm sorry, WHEN did I last see a comment from YOU or even your IP address in my stats?
8. Maybe I just found out about the "real" you, and I don't like you anymore because you're a total fake and possibly even a liar.
9. You regurgitate the same three posts over and over again, just changing the wording.
10. You've had 37 "epiphanies" or "self-realizations" over the last two or three years, but you've yet to do a single thing about ANY of them - although you keep saying that you're going to. YAWN.
11. Your blog is filled with videos and no real content. Plus also, all those videos take way too long to load and I have a short attention span.
I'm sure some people will choose to misunderstand - but I'll say it again anyway: there's nothing WRONG with any of those things on the list. I'm not trying to tell you how to use your blog. Whatever works for you is what you should absolutely do.
These are my issues only - don't try to make it all about you. This time, it's about me.
...because bad should always be balanced by good...
A Short Round-Up
(randomly selected by the tried and true "close your eyes and point" method)
A Top 10 list of "Daddages" can be found over at Golfwidow's place. Winston writes a naked haiku. WOO!
DeeJay shares a list of highlights from her SAHM years - I strongly suggest you look through the posts and check out her beautiful baby granddaughter as well. Brian writes a beautiful tribute with his usual eloquence (and also, yesterday was his birthday, so stop by & give him some love!).
Trollbaby talks about putting frogs on fishhooks and shooting tin cans. I think you better not get on her wrong side. :) Hilly seems to be feeling partly cloudy today.
My grandpa liked buttermilk with cornbread in it, just like Miss Anne - and like me, she likes the idea of sensory deprivation. My soulmate Mike Doe is hanging out with big-bosomed model-types (as usual) whilst taking a bite out of the Big Apple.
Neil goes back to his roots and discovers that people really ARE crazy there. PS You should visit him often - he's one of my favorite storytellers. And last but not least, my pal DawnieMom created this site, which is absolutely perfect for getting things off your chest when you don't want anyone to know it's YOU.
That is all.
Have a day.
Why I may have stopped reading your blog:
1. I didn't stop reading it at all, I just use a feed reader & don't have time to comment very often - but I still love to read it!
2. Your "voice" has changed and I no longer feel like I have anything in common with you.
3. You have three or more posts whining about how nobody loves you anymore (because you got only 20 comments for a couple of days instead of the usual 40 or so).
4. You choose to curry favor with the "popular" bloggers.
5. You refer to yourself as a "popular" blogger or "blogebrity" or any of those other ridiculous terms.
6. You no longer entertain me.
7. I'm sorry, WHEN did I last see a comment from YOU or even your IP address in my stats?
8. Maybe I just found out about the "real" you, and I don't like you anymore because you're a total fake and possibly even a liar.
9. You regurgitate the same three posts over and over again, just changing the wording.
10. You've had 37 "epiphanies" or "self-realizations" over the last two or three years, but you've yet to do a single thing about ANY of them - although you keep saying that you're going to. YAWN.
11. Your blog is filled with videos and no real content. Plus also, all those videos take way too long to load and I have a short attention span.
I'm sure some people will choose to misunderstand - but I'll say it again anyway: there's nothing WRONG with any of those things on the list. I'm not trying to tell you how to use your blog. Whatever works for you is what you should absolutely do.
These are my issues only - don't try to make it all about you. This time, it's about me.
...because bad should always be balanced by good...
A Short Round-Up
(randomly selected by the tried and true "close your eyes and point" method)
A Top 10 list of "Daddages" can be found over at Golfwidow's place. Winston writes a naked haiku. WOO!
DeeJay shares a list of highlights from her SAHM years - I strongly suggest you look through the posts and check out her beautiful baby granddaughter as well. Brian writes a beautiful tribute with his usual eloquence (and also, yesterday was his birthday, so stop by & give him some love!).
Trollbaby talks about putting frogs on fishhooks and shooting tin cans. I think you better not get on her wrong side. :) Hilly seems to be feeling partly cloudy today.
My grandpa liked buttermilk with cornbread in it, just like Miss Anne - and like me, she likes the idea of sensory deprivation. My soulmate Mike Doe is hanging out with big-bosomed model-types (as usual) whilst taking a bite out of the Big Apple.
Neil goes back to his roots and discovers that people really ARE crazy there. PS You should visit him often - he's one of my favorite storytellers. And last but not least, my pal DawnieMom created this site, which is absolutely perfect for getting things off your chest when you don't want anyone to know it's YOU.
That is all.
Have a day.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
What's good for the gander is good for a the goose.
I'll tell all you fellas the same thing I told the gals on Mommy's Day...
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Keep up the good work.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Keep up the good work.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
And PS Kathy Griffin started the whole SUCK IT thing a long time ago.
I removed my earlier post because after visiting some blogs I realized that eerily, my post could be taken in the completely wrong context by people I'd never knowingly hurt.
Probably I'll put it back up at a time when several people won't think "BITCH IS TALKING ABOUT ME!", because most likely I wasn't. Or at least, not entirely.
I'm known for my excellentill timing, of course.
And PS If you people would JUST TELL ME EVERYTHING, that wouldn't happen. Quite so often, anyway.
I would just like to remind everyone (including myself) that just because you read a post (here, there, or anywhere) that tweaks your (or my) conscience, it doesn't necessarily mean that the author had you (or me) in mind when it was written.
I've deleted several emails before I could send them, several tweets before I could post them, several posts before I could publish them.
Apparently I'm having a love affair with Delete today.
That never happens to me.
Sometimes there is more than one villain in a story.
We'd do well to remember the innocents.
"Make no promises when seized by joy; write no letters when seized by anger.” -Chinese Proverb
Which is why Delete and I just became such good friends.
We all have opinions on damn near everything; that's the beauty of blogging.
Sometimes, however, discretion is the better part of valor.
And sometimes offering my opinions is due more to a selfish need to be heard rather than any constructive reason.
Because as much as I'd like to believe otherwise, it's really NOT all about me.
Although it damn well should be.
Is all I'm saying.
Sometimes minding my own business is underrated.
Sometimes being able to vent my spleen confidentially to good friends -rather than here- makes all the difference in the world.
It becalms my mind, eases my heart, and refreshes my soul.
Plus also lets me think about things from different perspectives - and more rationally than I may have done on my own.
So, you know, thanks for that. <3
Condescension, patronization, attempting to make others feel small or ashamed and always having to get the last word in are very, very unattractive qualities in a person.
Hence some of my twitter unfollows.
Seriously, I'm an attention whore, but there are those who make me look like a rank amateur.
Hence even more of my twitter unfollows.
and now for the bad news...
Sorry, there will be no Friday Night Live Show tonight.
Feel free to weep, wail, keen, gnash your teeth, tear at your hair and tell me how much you will miss me.
I have to meet The Sperm Donor at the buttcrack of dawn in Ardmore, which is two hours from my house and about halfway between our respective homes.
So I've got a ton of shit still to accomplish, and I've got to get to bed at a decent hour.
With gas prices so high, it'll cost about the same if I stay in a cheap motel rather than driving back & forth, so I'll have no internet this weekend.
Which sucks for me, but may be a ray of sunshine in the dark for YOU.
Make sure you tune in to Friday Night Live next week, because I'll have a special co-host!'
OH and PS: If any of you are going to be around Ardmore this weekend, holla. Let's have a drink.
And also - since I will have no internet, please text and/or call so that I will be entertained. Kthx.
That is all.
Have a day.
Probably I'll put it back up at a time when several people won't think "BITCH IS TALKING ABOUT ME!", because most likely I wasn't. Or at least, not entirely.
I'm known for my excellent
And PS If you people would JUST TELL ME EVERYTHING, that wouldn't happen. Quite so often, anyway.
I would just like to remind everyone (including myself) that just because you read a post (here, there, or anywhere) that tweaks your (or my) conscience, it doesn't necessarily mean that the author had you (or me) in mind when it was written.
I've deleted several emails before I could send them, several tweets before I could post them, several posts before I could publish them.
Apparently I'm having a love affair with Delete today.
That never happens to me.
Sometimes there is more than one villain in a story.
We'd do well to remember the innocents.
"Make no promises when seized by joy; write no letters when seized by anger.” -Chinese Proverb
Which is why Delete and I just became such good friends.
We all have opinions on damn near everything; that's the beauty of blogging.
Sometimes, however, discretion is the better part of valor.
And sometimes offering my opinions is due more to a selfish need to be heard rather than any constructive reason.
Because as much as I'd like to believe otherwise, it's really NOT all about me.
Although it damn well should be.
Is all I'm saying.
Sometimes minding my own business is underrated.
Sometimes being able to vent my spleen confidentially to good friends -rather than here- makes all the difference in the world.
It becalms my mind, eases my heart, and refreshes my soul.
Plus also lets me think about things from different perspectives - and more rationally than I may have done on my own.
So, you know, thanks for that. <3
Condescension, patronization, attempting to make others feel small or ashamed and always having to get the last word in are very, very unattractive qualities in a person.
Hence some of my twitter unfollows.
Seriously, I'm an attention whore, but there are those who make me look like a rank amateur.
Hence even more of my twitter unfollows.
and now for the bad news...
Sorry, there will be no Friday Night Live Show tonight.
Feel free to weep, wail, keen, gnash your teeth, tear at your hair and tell me how much you will miss me.
I have to meet The Sperm Donor at the buttcrack of dawn in Ardmore, which is two hours from my house and about halfway between our respective homes.
So I've got a ton of shit still to accomplish, and I've got to get to bed at a decent hour.
With gas prices so high, it'll cost about the same if I stay in a cheap motel rather than driving back & forth, so I'll have no internet this weekend.
Which sucks for me, but may be a ray of sunshine in the dark for YOU.
Make sure you tune in to Friday Night Live next week, because I'll have a special co-host!'
OH and PS: If any of you are going to be around Ardmore this weekend, holla. Let's have a drink.
And also - since I will have no internet, please text and/or call so that I will be entertained. Kthx.
That is all.
Have a day.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Because if you don't listen, you might be a douchebag.
9pm Central, 10pm Eastern, 7pm Pacific
It's PETTY-PALOOZA!!
Tom Petty, that is. And maybe some Heartbreakers.
Time to tune it in and TURN IT UP: EMPIRE RADIO (or click Listen Here)
The Mosh Pit will be open!
Come and bring me a live request.
Hey, some of the other reasonably cool kids are doin' it.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Sometimes...all I need is the air that I breathe...
Summer is upon us, grass is growing, trees and flowers are blooming...mold and pollen counts are UP.
You know, I never had problems with allergies until I had kids. I never had problems with my teeth and never even had a coldsore until I was pregnant.
Kids just suck the life out of you. :)
Wait. That's a-whole-nother post.
Anyway, allergies.
My son's are TERRIBLE. He's allergic to so many things - his dairy allergy is so severe that if even kiss him right after I've eaten ice cream it makes his skin break out in welts.
ALL times of the year are hard on him, the tree & grass & pollen and mold counts cause him endless stuffy/runny noses, achy heads, coughs. We can't have an indoor pet. There is no smoking allowed in my house.
But my house is VERY old and of course lots of dust and allergens from the outside filter in around the cracks of the windows and doors. It's a BITCH to keep these hardwood floors clean, I can tell you.
So, thanks to Mom Central, I got to check out the website for American Standar Air's AccuClean Air Filtration System.
It's got a nifty feature where you put in your zip code and it'll help you choose a system that's typical - and works best- for your area. You can choose the heating/cooling system that you already have, whether it's electric or gas, and American Standard Air will show you your best options.
Apparently it's an air filtration system of components that works best with your heating & cooling system to filter out an amazing 99.98% of unwanted particles & allergens from your filtered air, throughout your entire home.
And if you've got kids like mine who suffer from poor health due to prematurity, who are susceptible to SO many illnesses, you might be interested to know that a Harvard-led study recently proved that American Standard AccuClean™ removes over 99% of the common flu from the filtered air in your home.
Unfortunately I don't actually get to try it out (damn shame, it is), I suggest that you check out the site yourself, especially if you're thinking of replacing or upgrading your current heating/cooling system.
I would. And you know that right in the middle of summer, on the hottest day of the year, is when your a/c unit is going to go all wonky - so at least take a look now so you'll be prepared.
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