EVERY moment could be a Hallmark moment

The other day on Twitter we were thinking up greeting cards that really ARE for every occasion.

Here are a few of my favorites that I came up with.

If you follow me on Twitter, feel free to skip this because you've probably already seen it.

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You treat me like a Queen!
But for the last time, I swear I AM STRAIGHT.

I don't know what I'd do without you!
But I'd like to give it a six-month try.

I'm so sorry...
That on our recent trip to Mexico I drank the water...and shit my pants.

I'm sorry...
That I got so drunk on our date that I killed your fish when I puked in your aquarium.

I fell in love with you in cyberspace/But then we met and I saw your face/Now that's a memory I long to erase.

If I had a quarter for every time I thought of you...
I could pay the parking meter for a whole hour.

I smile when I think about you every morning...
Because I'm plotting your death.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I bought you this very expensive gift so you'd feel guilty about missing MY birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY from all of us!
Because none of us likes you well enough to spring for a card individually.

So...how many can I put you down for?

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TONIGHT - 9pm Central/10pm Eastern/7pm Pacific
for
FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE!
Tonight's show: MOOD MUSIC

And we all know I'm a woman of many, many moods.

Tune it in. TURN IT UP.

Join the true insanity in the Chat Room.

I LOVE CLOROX.

Tell you what, thanks to the ladies at Mom Central I've discovered tons of products that I might not otherwise have tried.

You may remember that I LOVE CLOROX. I have always loved the bleach; it's one of the few products to which I am totally brand-loyal.

This time I got to try another Clorox product, the Anywhere Anti-Allergen Spray. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was excited about this product before I ever got it.

1. My house is really old. The seals around the doors & some of the windows is... not good. There is always dust in my house. Even if I were a GOOD housekeeper (or mediocre, for that matter, which we all know that I am NOT, because we all ALSO know that I am full of lazy), I couldn't stay on top of all the stuff that floats in here and nests.

2. My kids - never in the very best of health - have big problems with allergies. My son is especially susceptible to dust and mold and pollen and ragweed and grass and whatever. At night he gets so clogged and he SNORES and WHEEZES and makes a variety of other obnoxious sounds.

First thing I did was spray down my son's mattress pad and pillow. The Anti-Allergen Spray says it's unscented, but it actually has a faint bleachy smell - which is not at ALL offensive to my nose. I love the smell of bleach, it just reminds me of CLEAN.

Guess what? I use it once a week and there is far LESS snoring and wheezing and snot on the pillow.
He's sleeping more comfortably, which means MOMMY can sleep more comfortably.
And without earplugs.

Tried it on the couch and curtains and so far, it seems like there hasn't been much sneezing or coughing from ANY of us, which is a definite bonus.

I don't have any indoor pets at present (my boy's allergic, BIG SURPRISE), but according to the website this stuff will work on pet dander as well! If you've got a problem with pet allergies & you try some of this anti-allergen spray, let me know how it works -- it might make the difference in whether or not we get another inside dog or cat.

I can't wait 'til summer, because that's really the worst on my boy and this time, I'm prepared.
Try some Anywhere Anti-Allergen Spray from Clorox.
You can thank me later, by sending cash and jewelry. Booze would also not be found amiss.
Is all I'm saying.

I'm your huckleberry

If I was rich, I'd totally be someone's Sugar Mama.
For real.

See, I've been doing the single mom thing for about 11 years now, and I'm mostly content with it.

Except for sometimes.

If I was a Sugar Mama, it'd be perfect.
If I wanted to dress up and go out of an evening, My Beck-and-Call Boy would be available to dance attendance upon me.
If I wanted him to sleep over, he would.
If I wanted someone to come over at 11pm and snuggle me on a cold winter's night, all I'd have to do is call.
Bonus if he's handy at fixing stuff and/or computer savvy.

I wonder if he'd do the grocery shopping sometimes...

Of course he'd have to have a really superior ass.

And then I wouldn't have to share the remote, or add another person to take care of, another person after whom I'd have to pick up, or make conversation when I (frequently) don't feel like talking.
The toilet seat wouldn't be left up. There wouldn't be any extra laundry to do.
A relationship-less relationship.

This is a GREAT idea.
Now if only I could find a Beck-And-Call Boy to work for $20 a week, I could get started RIGHT NOW.

Golly, doesn't that make you just want to apply for the position?

Thursday...on steroids.

I actually had to look at the calendar to make sure this wasn't a Manic Monday.

So the kids are on Fall Break and I was excited that I could sleep in a little.
Then I totally WAY overslept.

Got up, rushed around to get everything and everybody ready...and something weird happens with the coffee pot and coffee starts leaking all over the counter, dripping into the silverware drawer...
and I'm cleaning it up in the dark, because of course the kitchen light bulb burned out and naturally I happened to be out of light bulbs for the first time in forever.

And I was out of delicious amaretto coffee creamer.

I get the kids packed off to grandma's and head off to the studio.
So far, so good.
But my gas gauge sort of floats and I'm never quite sure EXACTLY how much gas I have in the car, and then I realized I haven't stopped to fill up all week.
Head to the Conoco - and I should mention I'm about a quarter of the way to the studio now - and realize I've left my cell phone at home.
You may not think that's a big deal and probably it isn't, but the first time I ever forgot my cell phone & decided not to go back for it was the day my car broke down on the side of the highway.
Yeah.
So I fill up the car and then head BACK home to get the phone. When I walk in the house (now I'm running about an hour later than usual), I say to myself, "Self, maybe we should just call it a wash and stay home".
Then the pseudo-angel on my shoulder said, "NO! We must be good and responsible and PLUS we can't afford to not work today. WE HAVE A BUDGET, you know!".

The shoulder-devil and I sighed and got back in the car & headed on in to work.
Did you know my daily commute is 35 minutes (or so) each way? Not really a big deal... except when you're late and have made part of the trip ONCE already.

Get to the studio.
Boot up my computer.
Get error message: Blahblahblah Cannot Open Windows because windows/config/blahblah/system File Is Missing Or Corrupt.

THE FUCK?

Reboot. Twice. Three times. Unplug. Re-plug. Try a variety of other stupid things that I know have nothing to do with the problem.

Still the same message.
Text the boss lady... she never calls/texts back. Then I find out she's heading for Dallas.

FABULOUS.

Can't get into my computer, there are no extra computers for me to use...
decide that these things are all definite signs that I should've stayed home and should NOT TRY TO WORK today.

On the way home I drive through McDonald's to get a big-ass iced tea.
I'm almost home before I manage to get the paper off the straw - because apparently even THIS is much too complicated for me today - and take a loooong suck of tea.

IT.IS.SWEET.

Sweet tea makes me gag, especially hypersweetened McDonald's tea.

That's a dollar I'll never get back.

So please don't take it personally when I say FUCK THIS, FUCK THAT, FUCK YOU.

ASSCLAMS.

I'm going to bed.
And it is only noon.

That is all.
Have a day.

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on a completely unrelated note...

This is post number ONE THOUSAND.
Yay. Go me.

Join the Qlubb!

Now THIS was a fun thing to review! Mom Central sent me to QLUBB, which is one of the coolest sites I've seen that helps keep things organized.

Do you coach a sports team? Are you a homeroom parent? Setting up the annual family reunion? Organizing a FANTABULOUS EVENT like BOSup '08 (which I will HOPEFULLY be attending! woo!)?

Check out Qlubb. You can set up your own group, whatever name & type you want, then add a calendar & keep everyone informed about what's happening.
You can add photos, send group emails (because people HATE to feel like they're out of the loop if you accidentally leave them off your group email - trust me on this), get automatic reminders, even share the To-Do list.

It's user-friendly - probably even grandma can figure out whether she's supposed to bring potato salad or apple pie to the Big Family Picnic.

Okay, maybe not MY grandma. Or my mom. I don't think either of them knows how to turn the computer on, even.

But YOUR grandma could most likely do it.

I know with the social media set there are ALWAYS tweet-ups and meetings and events...GET ORGANIZED all in one place! Just make your group & send everyone to "http://yourgroup.qlubb.com". Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

You can thank me later. With chocolates.

This blogram brought to you in part by...

THE COMMERCIAL EDITION.

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I really, really love it when the fabulous ladies of Mom Central let me test out some really great products.

Being a fan of WD 40 (shut up, pervert), I was REALLY jazzed to get to try out the WD 40 SPOT SHOT Carpet Stain Remover & Odor Eliminator.

It was GREAT, because along with the sample they sent a piece of carpet, a tiny bottle of chocolate and a bottle of ammonia and two little brushes so you could test the product & not worry about the colorfastness of your own carpet!
Plus also my daughter thought it was really cool, so I let her take it to my mom's house to try out.

When I went to pick up my daughter, I noticed mom's area rug in the living room smelled really good and fresh, AND the spot where my 1 1/2 year old niece had spilled juice was gone.

SCORE!

I didn't really think I was going to get a chance to test this product, since my mother liked it so well she took it over to my sister's house (who has several dogs AND a toddler AND light-colored carpet) without even letting me try it ONCE.
My sister was very happy with it.

I had to throw a little fit to get my Spot Shot back just to test it. They were all, "Can't you just say that we loved it and it works really well?"

Um, NO.

Most of my floors are hardwood - due to the fact that the previous tenants could've seriously used this product, as they had dogs that stayed inside all day & when I moved in, the burgundy (ugly) carpet was stinky and bleached out in many spots and I pulled it all up when I moved in. I do have a couple of rooms that are still carpeted, though.

As many of you know, my son is in diapers and in a wheelchair, and frequently the diapers are leaky & then the wheelchair smells like pee.

NOT.ANYMORE.


This stuff kicks Febreze's ASS in the odor elimination department.
I haven't even tried it on any carpet spots yet...I'm saving it for the pee.

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If you missed the live show on Friday night...well, you missed a whole hell of a lot of fun. And some drunkenness (not mine). And of course, all the excellent music.

GET THE PODCAST.

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Winter is coming (and so are Christmas and Hanukah and other delightful gift-giving days!)....
So it's time for you to BUY, BUY, BUY!

Why?

Because The BossLady is having a BIG SALE, with all sorts of big name designers - tons of which are NEW WITH THE TAGS! - at 70%, 80%, and even 90% OFF the retail price!

SHOES, like Marni and Alberta Ferretti.
Cashmere sweaters. Coats. Jackets. Also skirts, suits, jeans, purses, belts, and a ton of true vintage wear.

CHECK IT OUT.

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And now back to your regularly scheduled program.